Man That Can with Lachlan Stuart
Welcome to Man That Can with Lachlan Stuart—the podcast dedicated to empowering men to break through barriers and achieve their full potential.
Hosted by Lachlan Stuart, this show dives deep into the challenges men face, offering actionable insights, real-life stories, and expert advice. Whether you're focused on fitness, business, personal growth, or fatherhood, you'll find inspiration and tools here to help you rise above any challenge and become the man that can.
New episodes drop every Monday and Thursday. Tune in, get inspired, and start living the life you’ve always wanted.
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Man That Can with Lachlan Stuart
Improving Communication and Overcoming Resentment in Relationships with Dr. Lurve #513
Ever wonder how communication styles evolve over time and affect our relationships? Brace yourself for an enlightening conversation with Australia's foremost relationship guru, Dr. Lurve. We'll uncover the crucial role of communication in different life stages, unpack the warning signals of communication breakdowns, and deliver practical advice to empower you to communicate more effectively with your partner.
Our candid chat with Dr. Lurve takes a deep dive into the murky waters of resentment, a common hurdle in many relationships. Learn how honing effective communication skills and fostering mutual respect can dissolve resentment and forge stronger bonds.
We'll peel back the layers of love languages, investigating their part in cultivating more profound connections. Also, we'll shine a spotlight on the perils of becoming a 'yes person' in a relationship and share how setting healthy boundaries and managing expectations can keep respect and balance intact in your relationships.
Finally, we'll navigate the dynamics and strategies that pave the way to successful relationships. Discover the significance of proactivity in relationships and the essential lessons that mistakes can teach us. We'll present insights on understanding attachment styles and behaviors that can lead to relationship breakdowns.
In conclusion, we'll underscore the importance of investing in relationships and highlight the transferable skills that can be applied in other life areas. Get ready for an episode brimming with priceless advice and strategies to enhance your relationships.
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Do Something Today To Be Better For Tomorrow
The man Let Cam Project podcast, a podcast empowering queer driven men to live more fulfilling lives. We are here to challenge your beliefs, redefine success and talk about the important stuff in a relatable way. Don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. My name's Lockies Stuart. Let's get into it. The topics we'll be talking around about so keep a lot of men awake at night and that's relationships. One of the biggest reasons why men unfortunately take their life by suicide is relationship breakdowns and not understanding how to navigate emotions and what can deliver a healthy relationship. So today we've got Australia's number one relationship expert, because I believe if we can learn the ins and outs and then put our walk the talk, we can do our best to have the most successful relationships going, and we want to have those relationships that stand the test of time. So, dr Love, thank you so much for joining us today.
Speaker 2:Thanks, lock, glenn, thanks for having me.
Speaker 1:It's even. You know, we were just talking off air. You've just got out of hospital. Thank you so much, for when you were telling me all the stuff that was going on, I was like, do you want to reschedule? Because there's a whole heap of stuff going on. So thank you for giving your time. You said obviously you live and breathe this, so it's even more of a privilege to have you on.
Speaker 2:Thanks for having me. I think this is my little contribution. It's been my little baby around. You don't realise the impact the relationships have on so many people. I think we just totally become complacent around the relationships we have in our lives until they break down and we realise how much they actually impact us.
Speaker 1:It's crazy. Why do you think we are so oblivious, I guess, to the weight that a relationship can hold?
Speaker 2:It's exactly that. We become very comfortable and we always take it for granted like it's always going to be there, like it's just you know a piece of furniture that's sitting there and you just expect it to be there every single time you come home and it doesn't need anything done to it. You know the chair is going to be there in the dining room the minute you get home, when you leave, and you know you can lock up. That's sort of what we think about our relationships. Unfortunately, what happens is that we get to a point in those relationships where the chair no longer standing and it needs some polishing or some looking after, and it's not until something starts to break down. We go shit. What have I done, or what haven't I done for it to be at this stage?
Speaker 1:It's one of the biggest reasons why men reach out to me is they'll come and I'll go. Man, my relationship's done. I've tried everything to get it back. I'm like well, it's not just now that the issue became a real issue. It's been the weeks, months, years in the lead up where you've neglected certain things, you haven't communicated well, All of those sorts of things. What would be some warning signs for the average person to look out for?
Speaker 2:There's a couple of things. I think. What you were saying is quite evident in some of the people that I see. So what happens is we'll go with a scenario that's very monogamous, male-female relationship. We'll just use that as an example for the episode. I'll get a woman that comes and says to me I've been telling him for the last five years is an issue. The man hasn't been listening, he's not hearing me, he's not listening.
Speaker 2:He thinks I'm being an aga. He thinks that I'm over exaggerating. Unfortunately, she's had to get to the point over five years to exaggerate how she was feeling five years prior because when she was trying to communicate there was no active listening. There was a communication breakdown.
Speaker 2:So I often see is that in relationships and I know we hear it all the time but communication like it is, it is never ending and you never, ever, ever stop learning how to communicate. You don't ever communicate the same way forever. Communication is cyclical. Like you will communicate in a particular way as a teenager going through your early 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, like it is a different form of communication and so you can't become complacent with communication because everyone changes the way they receive information in different times of their lives and I would say that is one of the things that show up continuously, whether the aftermath of having bad communication or not communicating well is infidelity not being available, all the other things that happen. And if it was there and you were listening and you were showing up for each other, some of the other stuff wouldn't happen.
Speaker 1:How do we work out what I guess, how to effectively communicate to our partner or even understand the way that we would prefer to be communicated, and especially in those different phases of life? Because one of the big challenges I personally went through was I wasn't able to articulate how I felt for a very long time and I saw that built up resentment. I also got frustrated and I would almost snap because I couldn't just say how I wanted to, or what I wanted, or what I needed or what I desired.
Speaker 2:And I find that and I think we've had quite a brief conversation around that whole alpha male, that type of man that is quite masculine, wants to have a female or a partner in their life but can't articulate how they're feeling, like I have all of these emotions. How do I translate this feeling in my body, that sits in my physiology, to words? Like it doesn't, and when you put it in words it's not supposed to sound that way. Yes, yeah, it's difficult because you've got and the reason why you guys haven't had practice like you haven't had practice in doing that. It's a new language.
Speaker 2:You guys communicated through physiology, body, you know short sentences and that got you by, until you are then with, let's say, a woman that can't get by with short sentences and just physiology, and they want to know why all the time. And they want to know the reasons and tell me more. They're curious, you know. They want to know why you're thinking like that, why you're feeling like that, because that's how they internally, they're wondering why they feel like that as well. So they want to know why, and you don't know why you feel like that, you go I don't know. I don't know why I feel like this, I just do. That's you know. It's not enough. So what happens is that with communication it's practice, but a man can't show up and communicate and practice communication if the woman doesn't allow him. And this is where the breakdown also happens. Okay, so we're very quick to say men don't communicate. We also need to stand up and say do women, give them space to communicate and make the mistake in their communication and have them practice to be better at it.
Speaker 1:That is a huge point, huge point. I'm glad you brought that up, yeah.
Speaker 2:Because, I know I hear it all the time. You know men aren't good communicators. That's bullshit, that's not true. Men haven't been given the opportunity to communicate in most instances. So when you are given, when you were showing up for a man as a woman, and when a man is showing up for a woman as a man and they create space, that partner that they're with is not going to be perfect in how they show up. Let them come imperfectly to you. Let them come imperfect in their type of communication and help them. Help them If they need to. You know, satisfy you in a form of communication style. Help them get there, because it's not in their nature and I think that's going to. That is mainly the key to having longevity in your relationships. Like, are you showing up for each other? Are you helping each other to fill each other's needs? It's not. This is your job and you must show up and be able to do it perfectly, because that's ridiculous.
Speaker 1:Do you feel that the influence of like these movies just straight away? The notebook comes to mind because it's like the OG of love movies, where you see these romantic movies where they're super passionate, they fight, but they just never really show how they fix the problem. It's just like you kiss, make up and that's it. You never see in movies where it's like, hey, let's work out how to communicate what you want and help you share how you're feeling right now.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And let's bounce off each other with that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we've grown up, you know, with a Cinderella story. We've grown up. You know Disney's run the narrative for how many years we grew up in Disney and it was just. You know, there's still an element of. It's really nice to have a sense of masculinity and femininity in a relationship and I know gender roles are quite stereotypical. But there is also some type of nature, nurture, some type of physiology that happens in a relationship that you know we come to a relationship equally, but we also come equally in our own right. There's a lot of things that you as a man can do that I don't want to do, or women can do a man can't do. But it doesn't mean we're not equal. It means we distribute equally in different ways, and I think we've been unfair to men in relationships because they've also had to catch up on how relationships shift.
Speaker 2:If we look at how our parents did relationships, you know the guy did work and he came home and the house was looked after. It's quite traditional, pretty easy, because everyone knew their roles. It was no, no, no one was confused, no one knew what they couldn't couldn't do. It was pretty easy. And so what we found is that since time, those times till now. This is where we've seen the divorce rates just go crazy, because no one really knows their place in a relationship unless they talk about it. And this is why we need to talk about our relationship, because you know you and your partner will have a relationship, lachlan, and it will look totally different to mine. But as long as they're your relationship rules and it suits you, that's okay. Well, it's 50, 60 years ago. Most relationships look the same.
Speaker 1:Yep. I still feel there is that societal pressure to have your relationship a certain way and people look in or make past comment. It's like why on earth is that happening? And I copied a lot I have over the year. Even with our move to the US, everyone's like you're going to be this stay at home husband. I'm like I run my own business and fuck off with those comments Like aiming at my relationships unique. She has her career, I have my career. We support each other with all that and it works for us.
Speaker 2:But some people don't like that and people don't like it because they don't know what, they wouldn't know how to navigate it.
Speaker 1:Hmm.
Speaker 2:We don't like what they don't know. Right, yeah, right, yeah right.
Speaker 1:And really it's not. Yeah, I think one thing that I've learned is it doesn't really matter what other people think. As long as my relationship is healthy and it's feeling like we're loving it, that's all that matters. And I really hope because, once again, coming back to the majority of the audience listening, they still are bound to those traditional styles of relationships, and we are. Things are evolving quite quickly, as we've, or you've, mentioned there. The roles in relationships are changing and every relationship is different. Every couple's individual is different. But if we don't learn to communicate what our wants are, what our expectations are, all we're going to do is grow apart.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly. And, lachlan, look at through your own experience. You said you know you went through a period where you know you wanted to communicate and you didn't, and it got all bottled up and it just came out as frustration and probably all the wrong words and could have even been taken as quite aggressive. So you're like you know, why are you getting so angry? Like, why are you such an angry person? Like, just tell me how you're feeling and you can't right. And so what happens to you? Like what? What helped you transition into being able to talk, being able to speak about what you're feeling? What was it? What was the you know, turning point for you?
Speaker 1:It was recognizing that I was about to blow the relationship up again. A guy said to me at the pub so we all have the I believe a lot of people have these like moments where we should take note but we don't. And I got kicked out of a cab in Thailand in front of Amy's family and I was like, hmm, probably need to sort this out. And then we're at a pub a couple of weeks later and this dude at the pub said to me because we're talking about I can't remember the specific conversation, but my response was that's fucking fucked.
Speaker 1:And this gentleman goes how about you just learn to tell me what you really feel, rather than using those words, cause I have no idea what you're going on about? That was the first time the penny dropped and I was like I don't communicate well, like I feel like I'm getting my point across, but I'm just using swear words or chunk words to say what I wanted to say. And then I recognized that that was happening in my relationship. I realized that you know when Amy might say, oh, you're such an angry person I would go. I'm not. I'm frustrated that I can't tell you how I feel. And rather than me projecting that.
Speaker 1:I was like I just need to learn how to tell you how I feel, and let's Google that, and that was the process, and I still.
Speaker 1:I'm so much better but, I, still have a lot of work to do and I still, you know, even we're saying to Amy, like two days ago when I was telling her about this podcast, I'm like, I'm so grateful that her and I communicate so well, to the point where we're always help. Going back to what you said, we're helping each other navigate who we are and what we want and how we want to communicate in these different phases, which is cool.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:So what happens is that when you don't communicate well and you would have found this in your past is that you're almost it's not bullying, but you're almost pushing your way through life.
Speaker 2:You're almost pushing your way through the situation rather than doing this sort of dance and making it work, and that's exhausting. It's actually exhausting for you guys. You don't realize, but you're carrying this big load of like emotions that you don't talk about or things that are just sitting there and just pulling through life. You have to do work, you've got to provide, you've got to pay the bills, you've got to do the family, you've got to still be with the boys, you've got to train and you're just rung through life. The communication there's an element of relief to that, but it does depend on the partner, where they will say that a lot. Because if your partner is not going to give you space like I know you're saying to me, like she'll show up and you'll show up and you'll work through it If your partner is not going to give you space or show up for you and hold space for you to get it wrong and then get it right, how do you make it work?
Speaker 1:Very challenging and I feel that's where I used to build up resentment with ex-partners was because I never had that space and, as you were saying, the roles that I was trying to fulfill just from what I'd adopted. It wasn't even, hey, you need to do this. I just felt I had to do that where it was. I need to provide, I need to protect. This should be done. All these expectations that I had, that I was projecting, that we never discussed. So when I would come home one.
Speaker 1:I didn't have the balls to communicate it because I didn't. I don't like conflict. I tried to avoid that because I would snap and I'd say something that I regret and then that made me bitter. I'd come home pissed off and nothing had even happened but I'm just like oh, it's good for you because you've been sitting there all day Like that's not healthy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. Well, that's the resentment. Resentment eats at relationships in every part of your relationship, like if I have couples come and see me, or if I'm working with people and they're not having sex. I know there's a resentment there for sure. Can we talk about that, yeah?
Speaker 1:I wanted to talk about that because I was really. I've read a number of your blog posts and for anyone listening I'll have the link to the blog post. You write really, really well and it's just very. I found it very easy to digest. It was like you're in my head. Essentially, it's like the roadmap for what's going on in Lockheed's head, but the sexual intimacy and the link with resentment.
Speaker 1:I know a lot of men experience resentment because they do feel they are out at work all day and their wife may be at home looking after. You know doing. Once again, no roles, better or worse, it's like they're just different.
Speaker 2:And it's a team.
Speaker 1:It's a team. You need to look at it from a teamwork perspective. But resentment builds on both sides and the sexual intimacy stops.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:And you start becoming mates.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, maybe not even you know. You know, sometimes you're not even mates.
Speaker 2:You can't even have a nice conversation. It's like, who are we? We're like two strangers living in a house, whereas before there was a point where we chose to live together because we loved each other or we were good together. But you're right, resentment breeds disconnection and it's on both parts. It's both male and female, and it comes from not communicating when, it comes from not actually listening to each other. That's where it comes from, because if you think back, coming home and being angry like and you're saying there was nothing you're really angry about. What's was really the underlying issue?
Speaker 2:The underlying issue may have been that you didn't feel good as a man in that relationship, or you didn't feel valued, or you didn't feel worthy enough, or there was all these underlying issues of resentment that happened. And that would be on the woman's part as well If she's quite resentful. You know, I don't feel valued as a woman, I don't feel like what I'm doing here at home is enough, or he doesn't notice what I'm doing. It's all about him and all this comparison stuff. Resentment can't breed when you are valuing each other and what you bring to the table. So and it doesn't matter what it is whether you go to work, you stay home and you look after the kids, or Amy's at work and she's looking, whatever it is, if you value each other as human beings, not a picture of the person you developed in your head that doesn't exist, okay.
Speaker 1:Disney movie.
Speaker 2:Disney movie, right, if you value the person as a human. If I wasn't dating this person, or if he was just someone I met or he was a friend, would I treat him this way? No, I wouldn't. So don't treat your partner that way. Just cause you're a partner, you don't get a free pass. Or treat him like shit, right, because you think they're gonna be a piece of furniture sitting at home for however long. It doesn't happen like that. You don't get a free pass through. You don't do that.
Speaker 2:You always gotta look at the relationship and say what am I not doing? So when you're coming home feeling resentful, often it's not what is an Amy doing, it's what am I. What could I do better so that Amy feels valued? So she values me, right? This is how it works. So how do I show up better for her Cause if I soften her? A woman softens when they're valued. A woman softened when they're noticed, when they're appreciated. So when you soften her as a woman, she then comes and adores you as a man. Like it just works. Not coming in and appreciating her and softening her as a woman, she's gonna grow a set of balls. What's she need you for?
Speaker 1:Exactly. It's interesting. I read a book, the Way of the Superior man, which I found very eye-opening, and once again one of those books where it's like, oh, this is inside my head and I also felt like I got an inside scoop into a female's head and I thought about that. I was like, would I wanna be intimate with me now, based off how I'm showing up in the relationship? And majority of the time I was like, fuck, no, you're lazy. You think you're adding value, yet, which, yeah, you're out working. However, in the house, you're not doing a single thing. You're not picking your weight up, you're not doing these nice things that you once did in the dating phase of the relationship. It's all expectation now. And that was a big kick up the ass from me. And then it also then allowed me to start asking what are those next questions? What would allow me to, for example, make Amy feel valued or make her feel secure or the things that she desires? And in the beginning it was like, fuck, this is more work, but the results and the-.
Speaker 2:So you're not gonna work.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the connection that we've got is just like phenomenal. I've never seen anything like it or felt anything like it from previous relationships.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's so much harder to be resentful and angry than to just put in the effort and be really happy.
Speaker 1:Yep.
Speaker 2:And people go like I do say much already. I don't wanna do that. But what are you doing? You're going to work, you're having, you're exhausted about the conversations you're having in your head because you're actually not physically doing anything, because you're not having the conversations with her. So I don't know where you're exhausted. And if you just gave that little bit that you needed to your partner, you might find that that little bit is gonna get you this much. Right, it's not much, but people don't wanna go the extra two mils. They think it's two miles. It's not that. Just go an inch, it will get you in a mile. It doesn't take much Lean in. What do they need from me? Why is she resentful? Why is she being passive, aggressive? What can I do to soften her? What is she needing from me?
Speaker 1:What would be a way to find that out, cause I found myself in situations before where I'm like what can I do to help, or do you need anything, or what's up? And the feedback no, I'm good, it's okay and I'm like okay. Or even the classic joke is like what do you want for your birthday? I'm fine, and you don't get anything. And then it's like you fucked up how do we?
Speaker 2:You never ask your girl what she wants. That's like they just don't get us something. You're always gonna say, I'm fine, it's bullshit, we always want something. It's just be honest here. Okay, we've gotta work out. Okay, let's. Why don't you go find out what each other's love languages are first? Okay, that's gonna be really important.
Speaker 2:So if her love language is access server and your love language is physical touch and you're not doing anything around the house, that is access service. So you're not putting the bins out or you're not you know make. When you think of access service, it's like what are you doing to make her life easier? Have you picked up the mail? Did you take the bins out? Did you get the kids? Did you do something around the house? Did you run an errand for work? Whatever? Did you do something that made her life easier? Do a few of those things. If that's her access service, she's gonna suffer and she's gonna feel like you're loving her without even telling her right. But what happens if you have a love language? That is, you know physical touch and you need physical touch and sexual connection to feel loved. You're not gonna get any of that because you're not doing access services. She's gonna go, he doesn't love me, he's getting nothing, and so this thing happens of you, know they?
Speaker 2:hold out on sex and the guys are like she doesn't wanna have sex. I'm gonna having sex here because she doesn't feel loved, because you didn't take the bins out. But it's only the bins. Now that's to you, it's only the bins. To her, it's a whole love language, right? So the easiest way for a bloke to work with out is just figure out what your love languages are, because it's in black and white. It's gonna tell you what to do. Don't make it hard.
Speaker 1:And it's generally the way that they give love. Like I noticed for a long time, amy would always bring me gifts and I'm like I don't care for gifts, yeah, and then like four years, in. I'm like, ah, she wants gifts.
Speaker 2:Right, because she's loving you how she wants to be loved.
Speaker 1:Yep, yep.
Speaker 2:I recognize that late when you reckon this is a good tip for the guys that haven't gone down this road yet. It's if your partner is doing things and you're like it's not really meaningful to you but it is to them it's giving you insight into. Maybe hang on a minute. That's how she wants to be loved. That's why she's doing it to me, because that's her form of connection. But the easiest way is to just go on and jump online and do the test and work out what your love languages are. And there is a book dedicated to men that is just on the love languages and it's the easiest audio book to listen to in the car or something. Just download it on Audible and listen to it when you're driving to work or coming home. I think it's only four hours and it will give you the whole rundown of the book in literally a snapshot and it's, I don't want to say dumb down, but it's menified.
Speaker 1:It is, it's menified Easy to digest the way that makes sense.
Speaker 2:It's got the important bits, don't worry about the fluff. So the point is get to cross really quickly. So I would be downloading that book if I was a bloke and I wasn't sure I'd be downloading that bloke. That's our book. I'd listen to it and then I'd work out what love language I am and what my partner's is and I'd start to love. That way I would start to give love to them the way that need to receive it, not the way that you need to receive it, because it could be totally different.
Speaker 1:And that's just the power. Like for me, it's taking responsibility about what I can control in the relationship, because I've also experienced and seen where people like no, I've tried something before, so it's her turn. It's like stop playing this tip for tap bullshit. If you want it to work, take control of it, which means continue to upskill, speak, learn the language, learn to communicate better, whatever it may be. What are your thoughts around the nice guy thing? So obviously we've spoken a lot about relationships and communication and really trying to get meant to open up and connect better. Then we've got the flip side of that, where it's almost like being too dependent and being that nice guy, where it's like they'll do everything. They're like a little puppy. That's like, yes, yes, how does that impact a relationship?
Speaker 2:It goes the opposite way actually. So it impacts the relationship. What actually ends up happening is the woman starts to lose respect for the man, but actually at the end of the when I see them coming she has no respect for him whatsoever because he hasn't got. He's not a person, he's just totally a yes person. He's a people pleaser. And so what happens with people pleaser men or women, it doesn't matter. But if you've gone down that road of being a people pleaser, people take advantage of you and you lose substance. You're really not your own person anymore. You're the person that they've created. They've molded you into something that they want, and you know what? It's just like a little toy. They get bored of you and they're on to the next thing, okay. So there's a flip side around this.
Speaker 2:A lot of the yes men, unfortunately the ones that get treated badly, and this is where that narrative comes out. You know what? The good guys finish last. So the good guys finish last. It's probably the people pleasing guys that finish last, because we see things like women being bored women. There's infidelity on the woman's behalf. They end up being married to their business or they work or they're career. There's a lack of respect, there's a power, a dynamic issue. So you know, we hear a lot of those words, usually when it's around the man. Right, there's a man, he's there's infidelity, he's there's power, dynamic. But on the flip side it's the same thing. You have a man show up that isn't true to his masculinity and he finds himself with a woman that's quite strong. She's carrying the balls in that relationship and that is like that relationship does not last. It does not last and he becomes a shell of a person.
Speaker 1:So it's really one thing I struggle with or I feel is also something big jets gone over the house or something in the moment wow but something that is challenging in society at the moment. There's a big push on men being controlling and dominating and all of that sort of stuff. So I found myself in situations and I'm very aware of it I'm like what the fuck am I doing? Where I'll be even just walking down the street and the ladies are timid, as in front, I'll cross the road sometimes because I don't wanna feel like I'm like scaring her and anything like that. And even in the relationship yeah, it's crazy.
Speaker 1:And then the same thing in relationships. In the beginning of the relationship with Amy and myself, before we worked through a lot of stuff, I found myself just been like yep, I'll support whatever you wanna do, rather than sort of enforcing some boundaries around expectations that I had, because I didn't want to be a controlling bloke. I didn't want to be that guy that where she got to her friend and say, now, lockie, doesn't let me do this. It's like.
Speaker 2:I don't care what you do.
Speaker 1:But so how do we find the line there?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, you know, when someone's into you, lockie, and they respect you, the boundaries are no problem. They're not an issue they actually want. Those boundaries are there without you even saying it. I've seen a lot of things come up online of late of men dating women that are Instagram models and are out on social media and they're quite you know, they're beautiful looking and they're doing posts and they're in bikinis and G-strings and they've got fans only, or only fans pages and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah and. But then their partner is crucified when they're looking online at other women or they like other women's posts and there's been some interviews around them saying to the woman but how can you, how is he in trouble or how is he pushing the boundaries or how is he not being respectful to you when you're also doing all of this on the other side? And it's a really, it's a really difficult dance.
Speaker 2:So if they haven't had those communicator, if they haven't put those boundaries up initially, someone's gonna get hurt because they go in with the assumption, like you went in and said I have these sort of boundaries, I'm uncomfortable with some things, but I don't wanna say it because I don't wanna hurt it. Think I'm like jealous or controlling or insecure. So I just want to say anything. Because not yet, anyway, right, not yet it's too early or I'm not sure if I'm able to say this. Like I don't know if there's a time when you actually can say that, I think early on, like if you think you're gonna be with someone, just say like this actually makes me feel uncomfortable and it's not because I'm jealous and it's not because I am insecure, it's because I love you, it's because, yeah, I do want you to myself, yeah, I honor our relationship and I wanna keep it safe for it and I don't like to share. Like it's okay to say that, you know it's okay.
Speaker 2:And I think men have finding this very difficult right now is how much can I say before I'm judged and being told that I'm insecure or you're not a man. You can't handle that? Like there's a really like fine dance. I'm like when did that conversation happen? No real man wants anyone else to be with their woman. It's that simple. No man wants women on display for everyone to just have a piece of and they get the leftovers at home. No one wants that in a relationship. I don't care how many Instagram followers you have, it's gonna create dramas in your relationship.
Speaker 2:So I think what needs to happen is that, with those conversations, lachlan, is that you have them straight up. You do have them straight up. You just say, look, these are my boundaries around relationships. Because what happens if you do this relationship six months and then tell them and they're gonna laugh at me that expectation, I don't wanna do this, and you've wasted six months? This is where values come in. This is where life goals come in. Are you guys on the same path, like, are you guys even compatible? Why are you gonna wait nine months before you have those conversations? Just have them straight up. It gets easier as you get older because you're like, yeah, I don't wanna, yeah, I don't wanna, I don't wanna. You know, when you're 2019, it's a bit different, you're still working it out Anything over 35, I reckon that you've got, then you've got a free pass to go. Hey, this is what I'm looking for.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're definitely more clear on what it is that you want. So don't waste time, just cut to the chase.
Speaker 2:Save everyone's time.
Speaker 1:But that's where it also ties into building that relationship with yourself and getting clear on what you want, as you mentioned, your values, your expectations, your goals, your life goals, all of that sort of stuff. Cause people are in relationships where they are just staying there because they don't wanna break up. It's like too hard to break up and you're like you guys are mismatching, you're holding back from the incredible life that's out there waiting for you, with the incredible relationships that are out there waiting for you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's the thought of it, the thought of breaking up, seems to be more painful than being in a relationship. That's painful Like you've gotta work it out, like you've gotta weigh it up. The pain you're in right now in this unhappy relationship doesn't far outweigh the possibility of you finding love and being happy. Where's the pain sitting? Or is it that you may leave this painful and unhappy relationship and maybe never find a relationship after that, but you could still possibly be happy on your own? Like you gotta be realistic about hang on, where am I heading?
Speaker 2:But a lot of us become co-dependent in relationships. Often and I think that's what happens in relationships there's this co-dependency and this is where people become quite dysfunctional in their pattern of the relationship. So they're relying on each other, whether one person's relying emotionally on someone, psychologically, physically. It really involves an unbalanced or unhealthy dynamic in a relationship and one becomes overly dependent on the other person and that's where we see a lot of unhealthy, sometimes toxic, relationships coming up and that's why they stay in them is because there's this co-dependency thing happening.
Speaker 1:Do you feel it's important, then, to have like weekends away with your mates, to have hobbies that don't involve your partner all the time?
Speaker 2:Absolutely, because you're still like, you still wanna be. You Like, you know you don't really wanna be in a relationship with, I mean, some people might, it doesn't work but like a mirror image of you. Because that's what happens. When you stop to hang out with the boys, when you stop going with the boys, when you stop going, you know, camping or surfing, or you don't have that bonding time with the boys, you then almost become a mirror image of your partner. You're just doing whatever they want. You're becoming a yes person. You're becoming like, just really you're gonna lose your personality. And then that's when they lose respect for you, Like you really have to have boundaries. Hey, this is important for me. This is who I am. This fills me up, it makes me happy. If your partner loves you, they would be saying babe, you need to go. Even when you say I can't be bothered, they're gonna be encouraging you. You need to go, you need to have that time. Get the hell out of the house. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:It's so true it leads into like I guess let's just call it addiction, for the easiest word to describe it, but the same with work or relationship. If you become too dependent on something and you sacrifice you know, hobbies, time with mates, your health and you do have a relationship breakdown. It's why so many men struggle Like they. People think it's the ladies that are gonna all the women that are gonna struggle most in a relationship, the men just fucking lose it.
Speaker 2:They do.
Speaker 1:Because we've many. Quite often, it's like we don't have our health in order. We don't know who the hell we are outside of the relationship. We also, on top of that, don't understand our emotions, and most of us can't articulate how we're feeling, so it's just like a blender of chaos in our head and it becomes too much.
Speaker 2:I have a soft spot for you, blokes, because I see like the struggle that you have, because you guys can be so black and white, like just so easy. You're in a relationship, that's it, there's nothing more to it. And then it's like when it's over, it's like shit, what the hell just happened? You're like sometimes oblivious to like a whole marriage. You've been there for 20 years and it's gone in like six. You think it's gone overnight. It's been diminishing for the last like five years, but overnight it's gone.
Speaker 2:And then what you don't understand is that these women have been already mourning the relationship while they're in the relationship. So they've been letting go for the last five years. Right, the sex has gone, the intimacy has gone, the lack of communication that's been happening for three, four, five years, whereas you're still thinking that you're invested in this relationship and she's just going through something and she's, I don't know, hormonal or she's having a hissy fit. She doesn't have the hissy fit for five years, guys, there's something going on. You guys aren't having sex once a week, once at a fortnight at a minimum.
Speaker 2:There's an issue If she's been tired for five years and you come home and she's like I'm tired, and that's been going on for five years. It's red flag because a woman wants to be intimate with a man that connected you. They don't not want to do that because it makes them feel like a woman. So they've been telling you for that long and then you think overnight your relationships fall on a part. You think, hang on, they've got none with their lives really quickly. Well, it hasn't. They've just been mourning the relationship while they're in it.
Speaker 1:You guys mourn after I never thought about that.
Speaker 2:You guys mourn for five years after, or four years after, or two years after, whereas then moving on to a relationship and you're thinking she mustn't have loved me, because how quickly did she move on? No, buddy, she checked out five years ago, four years ago.
Speaker 1:Never thought about it like that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so that's what happens. So you guys just do it after the relationship's ended, the woman's doing it while they're in the relationship.
Speaker 1:So that's probably an area to look out for, right. If you're not having sex once to twice, sorry, let's say once weekly or fortnightly at the worst case scenario.
Speaker 2:Whatever, your normal? Is everyone's normal different? Some is once a day and then it goes to once a week and they're like hang on a minute. You're still having sex once a day for like the last seven years and all of a sudden it's dropped to once a week. If I'm lucky, there's nothing going on.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's when you sort of go back and go how is she feeling valued? Is she feeling secure or all of whatever those things are in the love language stuff? So you'd sort of go back to that position to start.
Speaker 2:Well, what about? So as a man, you would say go hang on a minute. What's going on? What might be going on for her? What? Why is she treating me like this? Not why she being a bitch and holding out, not that? What might be going on for her? Okay, we're going to look outside the box like almost pick yourself up out of your body and look at the situation from the top and go, right, that's me, that's her. Why do? Why do I? Why might she be feeling like that? What's been going on right now? You may not be able to articulate it, but you can work it out in your head. You can go okay, this happened to the other day. I wonder if that's impacting her.
Speaker 2:We need to then approach her and say can we talk, can I? I just want to hear what's going on for you. Don't speak, let her speak. Don't try and fix it. Let her talk. She will tell you if she needs you to do something with it. But let her tell you what's going on.
Speaker 2:I don't like how you did this. Sometimes it feels like shit when someone you feel attacked. Let her tell you what you feel, why she feels like shit. Just let her tell you If you could do anything as a man is to stay there and let her and feel a little bit uncomfortable when she's telling you something that you know, maybe you don't agree with or maybe from your perspective you don't see it that way. But if you could just listen to her in that chaos moment that she's got and not react, she will start to trust you emotionally. When a woman trusts you emotionally, their body follows. Okay. When they don't trust you emotionally, shut down bodies near a person but they're so separate from their emotions in their body it's like we disassociate. It's like trust lean in Trust. If I don't trust you, we're leaning out. If I can't trust you with my emotions, I'm not trusting you with my body.
Speaker 1:Sounds so. It simplifies it right, like it gives me something to look at. Yeah, what could be going on? And then what can I do to support or help to improve your situation, which will then ultimately improve the whole relationship?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and you might think, oh God, that's ridiculous. Oh God, my God, I can't believe she thinks this whole big thing over this little transactional conversation, right, but if it's big for her, it's worth, then you know, nip it in the butt, because how many big things need to be added on to what's going on for her before you go? Oh, can I help you with that? And it's too late. She doesn't even know why she's up there.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Anymore. There's only big things that have happened that hasn't been rectified.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Closure around these things are really important. That damages the relationship is that when you have an argument, a disagreement, there's a miscommunication and it's not dealt with, it's swept on the carpet, or you just kiss and make up and haven't spoken about it. That damages relationships. The conversation you should be having. If you have an argument or something damaging has happened and it's created conflict, you should be sitting down or you should be able to have a conversation and say how can we not do that next time? What can we do different? I don't like how we were together right then. I don't like how I showed up. I was angry, aggressive. I never want to treat you like that. I don't like seeing you upset. What could we do different? That we never have to do this again. So we can learn from this, because I don't like how this felt.
Speaker 1:It's teamwork. The language that you're using, not I, it's we. It's like we're in this together.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, because I need you to help me work out what I can do different. How can I show up for you? Because, if I'm going to guess, I'm going to get it wrong every single time. That's how it feels. That's how it feels for a break. I did that, but it was wrong. I said that. I said that wrong. Just tell me how I need to show up so this never has to happen again, because I don't like how I felt. I don't like how we were disconnected. I don't like how we didn't cover last night. I don't like how we spoke to each other. I don't like how I saw you upset. How can we never do this again? And just every single time? What do we do different? How do we avoid this? How do we get better at this? It's not that you're never going to fight. You're going to fight, you're going to argue, you're going to disagree. How do you do it better next time?
Speaker 1:It's not about getting the win, because if you're trying to get the win, it's like both. You lose because you're going to hate it even more.
Speaker 2:And that's a conversation that happens all the time. Is it worth losing your relationship just because you want to be right? And some people get so staunched and so stuck in. But I'm right, but I didn't do anything wrong. But I've said that from the beginning. I've always been right. He's not right, okay, he's not right, it's fine. Maybe he's not right, but that's all he had access to. They're the resources he had at that moment.
Speaker 2:What are you going to do? Are you going to crucify him for the rest of the relationship because he was wrong? All you're going to say think about it as a child. They make a mistake. Do you crucify them? Or you say hang on a minute, don't do it that way. And I'm not saying that men are like children, but it's the learning cycle, right, you make a mistake, you learn from it. You guys are learning a new language. You're learning to be with a new person in a relationship. We both need to be soft about this and we both need to show up and go right. What is it that I need to do that's better, so that we can do this better together? Because I want to stay with you, I want to be with you. I don't want to do this again, so you can be right and be angry, or to shout together and work it out. Yeah, that's simple.
Speaker 1:It's so, it's simple. It's very easy to get lost in that and get so focused on what's in front of you rather than thinking big picture, and I think that's why it's important in all areas of life to think you know, we have these milestones or these moments in time.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:We also have a big picture, and what's the big picture and what's going to help us get there?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. Well, if you think about business, Lachlan, like how many mistakes do we make in business? I know for me I've made so many mistakes. If I know, I have to count how much money I've spent on the wrong mentors and training and just oh, it's unbelievable. I own five houses by now, I reckon. But I made a lot of mistakes in business, not just in bricks and mortar business, but the entrepreneurial business as well, like trying to navigate that space. But I have to go. Okay, that didn't work for me that time. What did I learn from it? Okay, what's my next step? I didn't just pack up and shut up and go. Oh well, you know, I made a mistake, it's done. It's not that at all.
Speaker 2:So if guys liken relationships to business, right, If you're good at business and that's where you flourish. If you think about a relationship like your business, If you don't put time, effort or investment in it, your business is going to go broke. It's that simple. And I talk about relationships. It's the business of relationships. If you don't put time, effort or investment in it, it's going to go broke. It's going to go somewhere, somewhere else, probably All right. So you've got to do the same thing you would do in your business, with your relationship. There's time, and when I say money, it's not funds. When I say investment, it's the investment of time, investment of emotion, communication, like watering your garden that type of investment, Also money helps.
Speaker 1:Yeah, definitely, let's be honest.
Speaker 2:You know time. If you had a business, you don't spend time on it, like who's going to run your business for you? How long runs it? The same as you do.
Speaker 1:And if you run it well and you're not in it?
Speaker 2:you've got some really good structures that can be repeatable, that you've learnt from mistakes and you've been able to implement them, so you know those things work right. But it's taking control and error and mistakes for you to be able to develop those strategies. When you get better at relationships and you've with your partner and you've learned and failed and learned and failed and learned and failed, then you know what strategies work and you just keep implementing them Rinse repeat, rinse repeat. It's that simple. People make it so difficult. It's actually not that difficult.
Speaker 1:For people who would love to work with you or just find out more about what you do, read your blog post, which I'll have in the link in the bio. Where are you most active and where can people reach out to you?
Speaker 2:Mainly on Instagram. I have workshops throughout the year as well that are coming up, so we'll keep an eye out for those workshops coming up. But if you DM me, send me an email, you can get me. So Instagram's drlurve, so DrLove, and email's just info at DrLovecom Website's wwwdrlovecom Anywhere there. I'm pretty good. My team and myself usually make sure that I get to my emails and my DMs and, you know, just reply back. As you can appreciate, relationships Don't discriminate, so they run across the board everywhere around the world and everyone wants to. You know, everyone wants to be loved, and loved Literally, like it doesn't matter where we're from. Everyone wants to have some type of connection that feels good.
Speaker 1:And I think it's such an important thing to work on. I'm a massive believer in you mentioned you've wasted. You know you made a mistake, but you've wasted money on certain coaches and courses. Some of the best money I've ever invested and time is being on things that are going to improve my relationship. So anything around communication, understanding, love, languages, getting people just to even look externally at my relationship, of where I'm not showing up in the way that I maybe think I am has been extremely beneficial, because I don't want to be one of those guys who fucks up a relationship where it's on me.
Speaker 1:It's the things that I could have changed.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would say, if you're a bloke and you've had maybe some past issues around relationships, like, be proactive. Like, if you do want to go into the dating or you know area, if you want to do meet, you want to meet somebody, maybe be proactive now prior to doing that. And going like what works mean what didn't work in those relationships. Like, what are my attachment styles? How was I codependent or was I even codependent? You know what behaviours did I have that created that probably contributed to the breakdown of the relationship? It takes two to tango, right? So what is it for you that was showing up that wasn't conducive to a, you know, keeping the relationship there for a long time? So being proactive is important. Whether you're single or in a relationship, like you said, you can have someone come in and go. Hey, we've got a pretty good relationship.
Speaker 2:We tend to get woodlocked around this topic how can we work through just that? Everything else is good, but there's this is one topping, and sometimes we'll see in laws or the brother or the sister, or money or finances, it could be just one area in relationship that you get rid of and you just can't work through it. Why would you allow that one area of good luck impact the rest of your relationship. When you can come and see somebody a third party, and go all right, let's look at it, let's lay on the table third party helicopter view, let's be realistic around this, remove the emotion and let's work out a strategy that's going to work for both of you and you're like yep, yep, and then you go on and then you're not gridlocked. In that what you can do is take the strategy that found you in gridlock, that worked, and use it in other areas of your relationship and you don't get good lucked anymore. Right, there's a transference of skill, so you're learning these skills and you're forever implementing in your relationship.
Speaker 2:So I would say for the guys, like just being proactive around this, I think you're becoming a lot more educated around how valuable relationships are to you as men, whereas in our history and past we've always spoken about that women need relationships and they need it. You know, when you are a man and you have a really good woman or whatever sexual orientation, you are partner on your side. Like it does wonders for you. You'll see the men that are flourishing in their relationships. They flourish in business and fitness and health and parenting. It's just they're kicking goals because they come home and they're just so comfortable, they're at peace, they're content, like men aren't really difficult creatures.
Speaker 1:They're very, very simple.
Speaker 2:And it's not hard to have you feel content and comfortable. And women also need to learn this too, because we struggle. I know there's a lot of women struggling right now working out how they need to show up in relationships because they're going to be kick ass and boss ladies and they're going to be making money and they can't have a man control them and, oh God, it's exhausting. But you know, I think we go back to traditional roles and they there's something in that, and I'm not saying they have a place right now, and I think that calls for another conversation for us offline, but it's around the traditional roles of a man and woman. What do they look like in 2023?
Speaker 1:And what?
Speaker 2:what out of that can we take and can we put in our relationships now that make it work? They worked before, yeah.
Speaker 1:Very much and it's a conversation that you're right, that does need to be.
Speaker 1:It should be happening more, but it's once again. It's there's so much fear in having that conversation. There's a lot of conversations that should need to be happening, but it's controversial. There's fear, there's people taking stuff out of context and it's like, well, debating is the only way we're going to get through this and we're never going to, I guess, have everyone agree on a one one, I guess ideal relationship. But if you can start making sense of it, see different, varying opinions and take what you feel is going to work for you, it's going to be beneficial.
Speaker 2:I think we just people need options and I think it's going to be really important that when they you know, when you're going out and you're dating or you're starting to date or you've got a partner is making sure you've got the same sort of values, like you really do think of life the same way. You don't want to be, you know, with somebody that's forever going to be a battle and every day is like you've got to. You know, bang your own drum and try and get your point across because you know it's exhausting. That's not what relationships are about. You guys want to bounce off each other. Have conversations, yeah.
Speaker 2:Debate maybe not agree on everything, but respectfully debate. You know you want that's what keeps the relationship alive, yeah, so I think we could definitely have another conversation around how men and women are showing up in 2023 and some of those roles that you know are a little bit like. You know, do you open the door for women or do you not? Do you pull a chair out still, or are you going to get, you know, told off because you can pull your own chair out? Like what's going on out there?
Speaker 1:It's daunting, it's fucking daunting, that's for sure.
Speaker 2:I had a chair out. Open the door.
Speaker 1:I got roused on this would have been six months ago for opening a door for a lady and I was like, yeah, fucking hell like righto, don't worry about it. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And you're being a gentleman like and look, and that's why it's really important that you pick the right person you're with, because someone that you do that with will appreciate you for doing that. You know you opening the door makes her feel like a woman and she's going to love you for that, and so that it's really important to be with a woman that can receive that type of attention and love rather than shut you down.
Speaker 1:Dr Love everyone. Thank you so much for coming on For those who really enjoy this episode. I've taken away so much and I really can't wait to really listen to like little segments and then start challenging it and thinking about it in my own way and creating some actionable and implementable steps to improve my own relationships. But you can engage in the Spotify link and ask questions, because I'm sure we're going to have another conversation.
Speaker 2:Yeah, shoot them too. If they've got questions, we can jump on another podcast and we can just go through them and see. You know, we'll try and answer most of them if you want.
Speaker 1:I think we just scratched the surface.
Speaker 2:We covered a lot, but I think there's a lot of Anything that we wrote down, by the way.
Speaker 1:I'm glad I didn't throw that in the intro in the beginning. Yeah, for everyone listening. I had three key areas I wanted to hit and then Dr Love said yeah, yeah, that's fine, we'll just go with it. And then we just went with it and it went out really well.
Speaker 2:Yeah, good, we'll continue that next time. It's fine.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we've got the next one sorted.
Speaker 2:Yeah, all right. Well, thanks for having me, locky. If you got any questions, any of the audience need to reach out. No problem, just do that. Dm's good.
Speaker 1:Thanks so much for your time and for everyone listening In the show notes you've got all the links so you can just click in one click and then you'll be able to check out Instagram's websites all of the fun stuff where the information is. Thanks for tuning in.
