Would You Want to Be Married to You? (Most Men Never Ask This) #640

Even the most successful men can feel like strangers in their own home.

They’ve provided everything — except their presence.

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High-performing men are silently drifting in their relationships.

You’re doing it all “for them”… but they feel disconnected from you.

This video explores why providing isn’t enough and how to reconnect as a leader, not just a partner.

You’ll learn why emotional absence is just as destructive as physical absence and what to do if you’re already starting to rust.

Because true leadership doesn’t stop at the office door. It starts at home.

Chapters

• 0:00 Would You Want to Be Married to You?
• 1:49 The Stranger in Your Own Home
• 3:57 Breaking Through the Provider Trap
• 6:51 Partnership vs. Providing
• 9:22 Start Honest, Not Over
• 10:52 Your Relationship Needs Watering Too

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Would you want to be married to you. Most men don't destroy their marriage by cheating. They destroy it by drifting. Not one big betrayal, a thousand small ones, choosing work over presence, and it's something that I was super guilty of in the beginning Silence over honesty, performance over connection and, the worst part, you don't even notice that it is happening. You're doing it for them, right? That's belief, where you're the provider. You have to make these sacrifices. You have to do this in order to get the promotion. You have to do this so you don't lose your job. I get it, I have been there, but it's not until you look up one day and you realize that you're not in a relationship anymore. You're living with a roommate, someone who you once loved, and actually you know what you do still love, but the connection is gone. The passion is gone. This video is for the man who's done everything right but still feels like something is wrong. If we haven't met yet, I'm Lachlan Stewart.

Speaker 1: 1:01

I ran 58 marathons in 58 days across all 50 US states and all eight states and territories of Australia, which was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But the hardest marathon I've ever run was learning how to lead from home. Through my coaching, the podcasts that you're watching and events, I help high-performing men stop performing for others and start becoming the man they actually want to be. So I've coached hundreds of men who looked like they've done it. They've had the booming business, they've had the goals crushed. Their life looks polished and perfect, but when the door closes they're emotionally zapped, gone. Their partner's done, waiting, their kids barely notice when they come home and deep down they know I built this life but I don't feel part of it. It's not burnout, it's self-betrayal. One moment that really hit me recently that made me want to do this one was I was on a coaching call with a client and he'd built an empire, bought the house, created the life, but he looked me in the eye and we're doing this over Zoom right. So when you're just looking at the screen of this bloke who is flat, he's frustrated and he's looking at me with his eyes hollow and he said I feel like a stranger in my own home. That hit me because I have never felt like that. But it is something that I've heard multiple times from multiple men and I know the backstory of these people that I'm working with and the backstory of the life that you're living.

Speaker 1: 2:34

Many of us not all of us, unfortunately, but many of us have good intention behind the things that we're doing. Especially when you're in a marriage or you're in a long-term relationship, part of you, as a man, feels like and adopts this belief that you need to provide, and, unfortunately, providing is not just financially, it's not even, unfortunately, so that's not the right words. There. It has become more than needing to provide financially. Not only do you need to be there and be able to support a family, and that's the role that I choose to do. Everyone's relationship and your relationship may be different, but have you had those conversations? But I also want to be there emotionally. I want to be there physically. I want to have time around my wife and my family, and that is something that we need to build. And every time we face a challenge in our life, blo said to me the other day. He said I'm finding it hard. How do you have the time, how do you have the money, how do you have the energy to be there for your family while still building a business? And I said initially it's hard. And look, I'm not sitting here saying, oh, my life's perfect, I've got things that I'm working on for sure, but every time I identify a roadblock or an opportunity for me to use something as an excuse, I know that excuse is something that I have to break through. I have to make sure that it is not a problem anymore. So if you're finding I want to use this other example and we'll come back If you're finding yourself in a position where you're struggling to earn money and have time and energy to be the dad that you want to be or the husband that you want to be, you need to figure out which one is the biggest roadblock.

Speaker 1: 4:11

First, are you trapped by money? Because if it is, then you need to start thinking about how can you get more leverage? How can you either one, earn the same amount of money you're earning and get time and energy back? Or, two, how can you increase your earnings so that you once again can get time and energy back? And it may mean job changes. It may mean you need to go out and start work for yourself. It may mean that you have to start a bloody side hustle. That's how I began back in the day. Mean that you have to start a bloody side hustle. That's how I began back in the day Because you want to be in control of your finances. My story the first thing that I needed to fix or I felt I needed to fix was my financial situation. I didn't have breathing room because of the financial pressure. So if you find yourself in that position, sort that out, but also understand that when you are working so hard on removing financial pressure, you will more than likely be creating other problems in your life that you'll have to address at some point.

Speaker 1: 5:03

For me, I sacrificed my relationship for a long while until my wife kept saying hey, lockie, is this relationship actually important to you? Because it doesn't feel like it is. And when you start hearing that it is, that's why I'm doing the work. However, relationships and connections are more than just a paycheck, and that's something that's super important to consider and super important to think about. So I want to go back to that conversation I had with a client. He said he was feeling like there's two people under one roof no warmth, no connection, just quiet resentment. And you don't want to get yourself to that point.

Speaker 1: 5:40

And the reason why it hit so hard was because I had seen glimpses of it in myself staying late just to finish something, coming home flat reactive withdrawal, not giving my best self because I'd given my best self to other people. I just started checking myself on that and it is so hard well, at least for me, I found it hard to admit that I wasn't being the best version of myself. I found it so hard that I was using these excuses that I thought were warranted, when in fact they were just complete BS around why I wasn't stepping in and trying to grow. So it's important to continually check in on the relationship. And what do I want? And a great question that I opened this up with was would I want to be married to me right now? You've got to answer a yes or no to that, and you need to be honest.

Speaker 1: 6:28

Most men think that being provider is the goal, but what if I told you that providing without presence is just a polished form of abandonment, right? Thinking that you can buy gifts and fancy things to bring back the connection is complete crap. It's why divorce rates are so high. So many people are in resentful relationships. You just got to look around you to realize that that's not the case.

Speaker 1: 6:51

Let me break this down to, I guess, with a simple reframe the provider trap versus the partnership. One providing equals money, which is more important. Partnering equals emotional safety. Which one do you want? Number two partnering equals building with them. Number three providing equals sacrificing. Partnering equals shared purpose.

Speaker 1: 7:19

One thing that Amy and I do really well and I'm so grateful for our marriage for this is we partner. We have a shared purpose, one where we're building a life together, but we also have separate goals that we want to support each other to achieve as well. The other thing is we're building with them, side by side. We're talking about our financial situations, what we're investing in, what holidays we want to have, and just doing small, consistent daily deposits daily, like having dinner together. I bring her a coffee in the morning. She does nice things for me, but we're building together and we have the emotional safety. I do feel like I can talk to her about everything.

Speaker 1: 7:53

It hasn't always been that way, but I started by just developing my communication skills and being honest with myself. What am I struggling with? I was carrying so much financial pressure years ago and I never wanted to put that on her because I didn't want to burden her, but what I realized was that it was changing who I was. That stress was just making me come home resentful and I felt like I was alone in it. So the moment that I opened up and shared that, she was able to, one, understand what I was experiencing, but, two, we could work together to shift our lifestyle to get back in a better financial position, and that changed a lot of things. So I want you to think about that.

Speaker 1: 8:32

A marriage isn't something you build for someone, right? You don't build a good marriage for your wife. You build a good marriage together by getting clear on what it is that you want, setting boundaries, understanding that you are both going to grow and evolve. And if you're continuing to grow and if your partner or wife is continuing to grow, you need to check in and you need to continue getting to know them, because when you're growing, your priorities shift, your interests shift. So make sure you stay on top of that so that you don't find yourself where you're feeling unfulfilled or you don't feel yourself where you're feeling sorry. You don't find yourself where you feel resentful.

Speaker 1: 9:08

Extremely important to think about that. So we talk about pressure, we plan our future as teammates, we invest in each other's growth, not just our own, because success without connection it's just a fancy form of loneliness, and most men don't crash. They rust right. It's a slow process to getting there. So if this is hitting a little close to home, that is a good thing. You don't need to start over, you need to start there. So if this is hitting a little close to home, that is a good thing. You don't need to start over. You need to start honest. That's why I created the 15-Day man that Can Starter Kit. It's helped myself and so many men.

Speaker 1: 9:42

When I went to build it, I was like what's a free resource that I can give to you guys that's going to help you daily? Now look, you'll get an email daily how it works, and my recommendation is you read it and you follow the prompt. The prompt is to get you thinking so that you can get an understanding and awareness around how you can improve these areas of your life. If you just read the email and you don't do it, I would say you're not going to be any better off. So make sure that you slow down enough to do it if you really want to make some change. All I'm going to ask for in exchange is an email address and hopefully, if you get value from the 15-day course, you'll get value from my emails that are going to help give you perspectives, insights like this that can help you improve your quality of life and you can become a better version of yourself. So all you need to do in the comments or on my social media is just comment the word 15.

Speaker 1: 10:33

Here's the truth. Your partner doesn't care how many other plants you're growing. So whether you're growing your finances, whether you're growing your lifestyle, whether you're growing your health or your hobbies, if they're the ones wiltering in the corner, they don't give a shit. If you don't want to water it, it dies. So ask yourself would I want to be in a relationship with me? And if the answer is not a full body yes, then this is your wake-up call. Not time to give up your ambition, but to stop making them chase it from behind. Your life doesn't change by watching another video. It changes when you stop performing and you start becoming, so hit the subscribe button. If this has helped, and if you want tools to start leading yourself again, make sure you check out the 15-Day Starter Kit. My name is Lachlan Stewart. No-transcript.