Why You're Crushing It at Work But Failing at Home (The Truth About Hard Conversations) #674

Why can you give tough feedback at work but avoid that one conversation with your partner?

Life performance coach Lachlan Stuart shares the story of the money conversation he avoided with his wife Amy for months—and what finally made him say it. Spoiler: the fear was worse than the truth.

In this episode:

- The pattern: why high-performing men are surgical at work but silent at home

- The Delay Distortion: how your brain either romanticizes or catastrophizes conversations the longer you wait

- The internal conversation that changed Lachlan's career trajectory

- A client story: the question that got a marriage back on track in 3 months

- Practical steps to have hard conversations early—before they become crises

This episode explores the Calm Mind pillar of Lachlan's Core 4 framework: Strong Body, Calm Mind, Clear Purpose, Confident Life.

Take the free Life Performance Scorecard: https://lachlanstuart.com/scorecard

Connect with Lachlan:

→ Website: https://www.lachlanstuart.com.au/

→ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lachlanstuart/

→ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@LachlanJStuart

Lachlan Stuart is a life performance coach and keynote speaker based in Brisbane who has worked with 1,200+ high-performing men. He completed 58 marathons in 58 consecutive days and hosts The Man That Can podcast.

Transcript

The Money Talk Catalyst

Lachlan Stuart 0:18

My wife and I were about to sit down, watch a movie, normal night, and then I said it. We need to talk about money. I hadn't planned to have this conversation, and it was a conversation that I had been avoiding for months, but I could not hold it in anymore. Now she's an ARIA award-winning musician, and I at the time was driving Uber. Now, what I'm suggesting there is there's probably a little bit of difference between lifestyles. And every time we went out for dinner, I dip into my savings. So I had a thousand dollar goal in savings that I was trying to achieve. And every time we go out for dinner, I kept moving further and further away from that goal. When I brought it up, her response was amazing. Thanks for letting me know. I totally support you. That's it. That mountain that I had built in my head was simply a conversation. And if you're a guy who is so focused on work, you know, you showing up as best as you possibly can, you're direct in the gym, you don't mess about there. But somehow you can't have that one conversation at home. This video is going to be for you because what you avoid long enough quietly becomes your standard. I'm Lachlan Stewart. I am a life performance coach and keynote speaker based in Brisbane, and I have worked with over 1,200 men over the last almost decade. And I'm also the guy who completed the 50 States Marathon Challenge in 50 days in winter. The first person in history to do that. And I also added on some Australian states, but we can talk about that another time. And one of the patterns that I see most consistently is men who can do hard things everywhere except for where it matters most. And family to me matters most. So that's why I'm gonna reference that for you. It may be something different. But if you're like I am, you know how important family is. They'll give critical feedback at work, they'll push through the toughest training sessions, you'll make the difficult decisions with your business. But at home, with your partners, with your children, with yourself, that's where you delay things. And I get it because I have done that too. That conversation with Amy about money, I delayed that for you know months more than I would like to admit. Not because the conversation was dangerous, but because

High Performers Avoid Home Truths

Lachlan Stuart 2:45

admitting that I needed to have it felt like I was failing. Let me break down what's actually happening when we avoid these conversations and what it is going to cost you. Here's the thing about high-performing men: you don't always avoid the hard conversations everywhere. At work, you have a budget meeting, you tell your team that, hey, we need to make a change, you'll give that different difficult performance review. In training, you don't skip the hardest set. You know that's the one where the growth happens. You track the numbers and you face what's not working. But at home, different story. You'll tell a client their strategy isn't working, but you won't face your wife, even when you're feeling disconnected. You'll hire a coach to fix your bench press, but you won't admit that you're burnt out. And you'll fire an underperformer at work, but you won't have the conversation about your sex life that's been on the list for months. Now, when this was happening, I still remember we were heading out for dinner at a restaurant called Ben's here in Brisbane. We go there quite regularly at this time, and I'd gone from a bloke who would only have or go out to dinner on like a birthday, right? Very rarely would I do it to probably going out once or twice a week at least, and that was a massive increase, right? Probably once or twice a year to 52 times a year. Pretty, pretty wild plus. And I'd been staying quiet during this period because I don't get me wrong, I enjoyed going out. It was awesome to spend time together, it was it was dating, it was new. But there was also this part in my stomach where I was like, I'm I'm moving further away from my goals, I was living week to week, and I didn't want her to think I was a bum or like a failure because I couldn't afford to do these nice things that she could, and it really put pressure on me as a man because the way that I see it when I'm in a relationship, I wanted to be able to pay for our date nights, but I couldn't do it all the time. Like, and that and that sucked. That was a hard thing to, I guess, come to terms with. And I had this goal that if I could earn a thousand dollars and have a thousand, sorry, a thousand dollars in savings, because I didn't have that at the time, I believed it would take a lot of financial pressure off me. And when I had financial no financial pressure, I could think about like my next step in my entrepreneurial journey, how I was gonna build a business and all of those things. But when I was struggling with money, worried about what if I got a fine or what if a bill, you know, unexplained bill came in, I couldn't pay it. I'm freaking out. Like I can't think about how I'm gonna build a business. I'm just like, I just gotta pay the freaking bills. And so I knew that I had to eventually do it. And the thing that pulled me through was the goal. I just, the more I believed that having that thousand dollars of savings would save me, the more it became apparent that I had to do whatever I could control in my power to get in a position to have that thousand dollars in savings, and that meant having the conversation. When

The Cost Of Silence And Fear

Lachlan Stuart 5:40

I finally had that conversation with Amy, you know what I learned? That fear was worse than the truth. I wasn't protecting her by staying quiet, I was protecting my own discomfort. And in doing that, I was setting a standard, and that standard was that my truth was optional when it felt risky. I wasn't a solid individual, I didn't stand behind any beliefs or values. And this is what I call my calm mind and the core for framework. And it's not about meditation apps or positive thinking, it's honestly about having the mental clarity to hear your own truth and the courage to say it out loud, like this is what I need, this is what I want. And if you're wondering where you actually stand right now, I've created a literal a for uh free assessment. I call it the life performance scorecard. It'll show you where you're drifting and where you're thriving, and it'll give you some actionable steps. It's so good to test to get that awareness, then you can continue improving your life. Links in the description. Now, here's the version of this that's more difficult. When I was transitioning from a carpenter and an Uber driver to a life performance coach and then eventually a keynote speaker, people questioned me constantly. Have you ever had people doubt you? Friends made jokes, even made Facebook pages. Family asked me, Hey, can you get a real job? Like, when are you gonna do this? Go go back to being a builder. And slowly I was starting to listen, not out loud, but I kept pushing forward. But internally, I was playing small, second guessing, letting their voices drown out the one that mattered. The conversation I was avoiding wasn't with them, it was with myself. I remember when I was at Carpenter and you know, I was doing the Uber driving, and I was going through this period, and very similar to another episode that I've done where I asked, like, is this all there is? Is this all I'm here for? Have you ever had that feeling in your stomach that you're here for something great, but maybe you just don't know what that is? Like I live with that daily. I still, you know, I have achieved some incredible things, and where my life is now, I just pinch myself, but I still believe I can continue building, and I think that is what happens with capacity, right? Your capacity to believe in yourself, your capacity to solve problems grows when you do do that, and then you realize that you can take on more, you can help more people, you can solve more problems, and that's what I love about life. When I was carpentry as a builder, I still remember taking this video at a job site, and I was in my yellow work shirt, and I was talking about how I just wanted to design a life that I love. I wasn't happy where I was, and I wanted to change things, and I believed that I was here for something bigger, and I was starting to put that out to the public. When you, I guess, start voicing what you believe to be true, you're gonna have critics. As I mentioned, people didn't believe in me, people made Facebook pages about me. And it's really hard to continue to stand up and show yourself in those moments because many of us want to fit in. I wanted to fit in, and so it's very easy to just play small and listen to what all the I guess commentators in my life were saying. But there was also that pull, right? It was the pull that allowed me to have the conversation with my wife. It was also the pull that allowed me to walk into the fear of the unknown, to walk into the criticism and judgment of other people that would later change my life. And I do put that down as such a pivotal moment where I really asked, like, what am I here for? And if I was going to achieve that, I would have to do something different. I could not continue to do the same thing I was doing now because that has what that was what had led me to asking that question in the first place, right? And in this season, I believe that I'm here to prove to men that they're capable of more, right? Especially to high-performing men who move from, I guess, successful but empty to genuinely fulfilled, right? It's very easy to absolutely crush it in one area of your life, but the rest of your life is burning down. I don't want men to live like that because I, as I get older, I've noticed my shift from like making money to really wanting to live a great life and have great experiences, share moments with friends and family, and the connection is what's most important to me. And I don't want

Delay Distortion Explained

Lachlan Stuart 9:55

to see, I just hate seeing men lose themselves chasing money and chasing status when at the end of the day we go full circle and we go, that never really mattered. Definitely strive for it, make as much money and get the accolades for sure, but don't sacrifice the important things along the way. And so that's how we can help you get genuine fulfillment, and that's what the core for really helps men do. It helps you get stronger in body, calmer in your mind, clearer on your purpose, and more confident in your life. So I knew in order to become more fulfilled, I wasn't going to be able to do that by listening to people who didn't like what I was doing. I had to start finding new people. And at the time, that was listening to podcasts. There was a number of podcasts, these people don't even know I exist, by the way. But I listened to them because they spoke the words that I needed to hear. They were chasing goals, they were sharing failures, and that really inspired me and it made me feel a little bit more supported, even though they did not know I existed. And I really found it important to find people who were going to pull me towards where I wanted to be, right? That was such an important thing. Rather than feeling like I'm pushing a rock uphill, I wanted to feel like people were pulling me up that hill. The conversation that I had with myself really changed everything. And not because it gave me permission, that was an important part, but because it reminded me that I already knew the answer. I'd just been avoiding to claim it. And I think you know that as well. And here's what happens when you don't when you delay the conversations. You're not protecting anyone. You're teaching everyone around you, including yourself, that truth is optional when it's uncomfortable. Just blend in, don't stand out, don't rock the boat. You're setting the standard that performance matters more than connection, that image matters more than honesty, and that comfort matters more than growth. It's bullshit. And six months from now, you'll be dealing with a bigger version of the same conversation, right? It always grows, it amplifies, it finds a way to get you to step up. So you may as well do it now. Except now, there's gonna be more history, more resentment, more evidence that this is just how we are. And I call this the delay distortion. Look, I've learned something about how my brain works. And if I leave a conversation for too long, one of two things happens. Firstly, I'm gonna romanticize it, and I'm sure you've done this before and always do it with goals, right? Outcomes. I convince myself that it could be better than it actually is, building up this perfect future version that doesn't exist. Or the second point is I spiral, I make it so much worse in my head, rehearsing every terrible outcome until the conversation feels impossible. Both of them are fucking lies. So now when you feel like something, when I feel like something's off or it costs me sleep, you know, I'm just laying there in my bed, my brain's ticking over. I know that I need to nip it in the butt immediately. Not because I'm good at the hard conversations. I hate them. I really, really hate them. They make my hands sweat, I get anxious. But I just know that the longer that I leave it, the longer that I wait, the less true I become. And think about it like an ultra endurance rate. So after I did the 58 marathons in 58 consecutive days, I can tell you this the discomfort doesn't go away by avoiding it. It compounds, right? It gets bigger and bigger. And what could have been managed by mile five becomes unbearable at you know, mile 24.

Critics, Identity, And Self-Doubt

Lachlan Stuart 13:20

Same with conversations. What could have been a 10-minute check-in becomes a relationship defined in confrontation. That's why I've built the life performance call card. Remember, it's in the link, it'll take you less than five minutes and it will show you where you're drifting and where you're thriving across all four areas: strong body, calm mind, clear purpose, and confident life. No fixing, no judgment, just awareness. Grab it in the description. Now, here's what most men get wrong about difficult conversations. And I want you to just ask yourself do you enjoy difficult conversations? Actually, better question. Do you have difficult conversations when you need to have them? Many of you men, myself included at times, think that calm strength means waiting for the right moment. You know, I'll have this conversation when. Doing it before the resentment builds, before you've rehearsed the conversation 40 bloody seven times in your head before the right time has come and gone three times over. You just gotta remove the space between stimulus and response. The right time is almost always now because delayed truth doesn't stay neutral, it compounds, it becomes the things that you cannot say, it becomes the wall between you and everyone else. And leadership starts where comfort ends. So let me guess what's on your list right now. With your partner, the conversation about money could be on there, the conversation about sex, about growing apart, about the future that you're not aligned on. What about with yourself? The admission that you're not happy, that success didn't fill that gap you thought that it would, that you need to stop listening to the voices that aren't yours. With kids, the real apology, the conversation about your own struggles, even just finding out what their interests are. Look, these conversations feel dangerous because they threaten the image, they threaten the identity, and the version of yourself that you've been maintaining. You're not listening to this because you want to maintain, you want to grow, you want to become the best version of yourself, and that's continually evolving. Who you become is so important, and you get to decide that in every action, right? Every decision you make is a vote to the person that you want to become, or it's away from the person that you don't want to be uh the person you don't want to become. Every day you delay it, you're choosing comfort over truth, and comfort over time becomes a freaking cage. So, what do you actually do? Let's give you something to do. Firstly, name the conversation that you're avoiding right now. Write it down, don't edit it, just name it. You could even literally get your voice note app on your phone and just record it, just talk to it, and then I would put it into Chat GPT or some form of AI and just say, hey, help me understand what I'm what my real problem is here, what I'm trying to get across with the point, or maybe some things that I can do to improve this. Second, watch for the delay distortion. Catch yourself before you romanticize it or before you spiral. And both of your mind's way of keeping you comfortable. And thirdly, have it bloody early, right? Even if it's not planned. My conversation with Amy wasn't scheduled, it just came out before the movie and before the dinner. Sometimes the right time is just the moment before when you can't hold it in anymore. And fourthly, start with what's true, not with what's comfortable. Back yourself to be able to explain yourself. And just if you're feeling uncomfortable with these conversations, say that. Say, hey, I'll give you an example. If I'm talking to Amy, hey Amy, I want to have a conversation with you and I'm feeling uncomfortable about it, and there is a chance I'm gonna mince up my words. I just want you to know that I'm meaning this with the goal in mind of making our relationship better. So this is what's on my mind.

From Success To Fulfillment

Lachlan Stuart 17:30

And just so you're pre-framing it, because how do you expect to be great at something, for example, like having hard conversations, if you haven't practiced it before? So pre-framing it will help you a lot there. Now, the fifth and final point here is trust that fear is almost worse than the reality itself. We all know that. Fear of judgment, fear of criticism, fear of saying the wrong things, fear of looking like a bloody fool. The conversation you're dreading isn't as relationship-ending as you think, but the delay, that's when it's gonna cost you. I want to share, I guess, uh an experience that I've seen multiple times with clients where they don't want to rock the boat at home. There is some examples of like they're not happy with their sex life, they're not happy with their relationship in general, and they'll kick the can because they don't want to rock the boat, or they're busy at work and they prioritize that. And fast forward, the resentment builds on both sides, and then their partner might have said, Hey, um, I think we need a divorce. And when a man hears that, from my experience having worked with people going through this, it breaks them. Breaks them, and it's heartbreaking to see. They then go, I'll do anything to fix this. And the unfortunate thing that I've seen happen far too often is that they should have had this realization 18 months ago because their wife hasn't just decided yesterday that they wanted a divorce, it's been slowly eroding, and this is what I talk about in another episode where I talk about the comfort trap, where things don't happen quickly like these significant things, they slowly erode, and that's what happens. So if you're worried about losing your relationship in a couple of months' time, this is why you want to have the urgency to have these conversations, it'll strengthen your relationship nine times out of ten rather than damaging it. I want to I've got a bit of a question for you as well. What conversation are you postponing in your life? Truth doesn't wait for the perfect timing, it waits for your courage. So just back yourself here. And the man who can have the hard conversation early is always the stronger man who waits than stronger man than the one who waits until a crisis, right? Until we're at rock bottom or their wife's walking out of them. The standard you're setting is built from the conversations that you're having, not the ones that you're not. No one talks about how good they are for not having conversations. If this resonates, the next step, once again, isn't doing more, it's getting clear on where you are. So take the life performance. Scorecard less than four minutes in the link below. It's free, and it may be the most honest conversation that you have with yourself this week. If you found this video helpful, subscribe to the channel, check out some other videos. We're building something here for men who want to perform at their best without burning out. And if you know another guy in your life that needs to hear this, send it to him. Let's keep building