Loneliness Is as Deadly as Smoking 15 Cigarettes a Day. Here's the Fix #682

Loneliness is as dangerous as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. And more men than ever are heading there — not because they're isolated, but because the people around them aren't actually filling the void.

In this episode, Lachie Stuart shares a simple but powerful social circle audit he uses with coaching clients, and exactly how to build a circle that energises your life rather than draining it.

This episode covers:

• Why work colleagues aren't real friends — and the dangerous gap that creates
• The energiser vs drainer audit: how to map your social circle in 10 minutes
• What to do when your energisers are too busy or too far away
• How to make new friends over 30 without it being awkward
• The warm introduction method — why Lachie brought a stranger to golf
• Why the social circle you have is the ceiling of what you believe is possible
• Don't let success make you the loneliest person on the planet

Free Experience Bank PDF: https://www.lachlanstuart.com.au/experiencebank

Work with Lachie: https://www.lachlanstuart.com.au/coaching

Book Lachie for Speaking: https://www.lachlanstuart.com.au/speaking

Transcript

Loneliness And The Real Risk

Lachlan Stuart 0:00

Do you pick up your phone at the end of the day and not have a mate that you can call, someone that you can just chew the fat with, or if you're in any other country than Australia, pick up a mate that you can have a yarn with. Because if that's the case, then you're heading into deadly territory. Data shows that if you're experiencing isolation or loneliness, it can be as dangerous as chuffing back 15 cigarettes a day. Now, if you're smoking on top of that, then that's probably not a good thing. But what I want to share with you today is just something that I've observed from some men that I've been chatting with, clients that I've been working with, and give you a little insight on one, how you can work out if the work colleagues or the people that you're surrounding yourself with benefiting your life. Two, if not, how you can find different social circles and why that is important. And thirdly, how to have fun with it because a lot of people want to try new experiences, want to have different stories to tell in their life, but maybe the social circle that you're surrounding yourself with doesn't do that. Therefore, you're always wondering what life could be or how good it could really be. And that is why I created the Experience Bank PDF, which you can probably download below. But my name's Lochin Stewart, and I am a life performance coach for men based out of Brisbane. And I've worked with over 1200 blokes over the last decade, right? And I have learned so many great insights around how to be successful across different domains, but also a lot of things that are probably important for us men to look out. And so that is what you're going to get from this episode. And if you're enjoying these episodes, make sure you click the subscribe button. So the patterns that I'm starting to realize is that more and more men feel like they're not lonely because of the work colleagues that they're surrounding themselves with. But quite often the work colleagues that they're surrounded themselves with aren't adding value to their life outside of that. It's good for the transactional talk, for having a buddy to share a coffee with during the day. But when you get home at the end of the day, is there anyone you can call upon, you can talk about, you can go create experiences with? Most likely not. It can be very different for those of you who are married, or if you're really doubling down on building your career, maybe you're thinking, I don't have time for mates. But the truth is, what you don't make time for now will catch up with you in the future. And so friendship is a skill, right? And it's not just about feelings, it's about like putting in the work, the daily deposits, as I call it, the people that you truly value that energize you, that if you keep investing in those relationships, they're going to be there for you when maybe you lose a job, when you go through the most challenging periods of your life. And that is what is true friendship. So one thing that I noticed with a bloke that I was working with this morning, we were going through auditing his environment. And part of that was looking at, you know, his place of work, how his environment was at home, and what we can do to actually improve that. It then got down to a second step where I was like, all right, well, let's audit and get clear on the people that you're surrounding yourself with. Are they adding value to your life or are they draining it? And the thing, the question was just, you know, what are the people that you've spent the most time around over the last month? We wrote the people's names down, and I would encourage you to do this. Who are the people that you've spent the most time around over the last month? Have those people energized you, meaning they've just left you having a greater zest for life and really enjoying life, or have they drained you? You're like, I just don't want to spend any more time with this person. Get out of your bugger off. One or two things. What we then do is you can then go through another column and say, well, how much time am I spending around that person, weekly or monthly? Okay, and what you're gonna do is start quantifying it. Because if you're spending more hours around people who drain you, you're probably gonna spend your life feeling bloody drained. So we want to do something about that. If you're someone who wants to live a greater quality of life, an energized quality of life where you feel alive, then this is what you want to do. And here's what's gonna happen. You might look at that sheet, as this dude did this morning, and notice that most of the people were energizers, but he wasn't spending enough time with those people. And the reasons were one of them had family, you know, had a couple of kids, so it was hard to get time. The other one lived abroad, and the other one was sinking into work or something like that. And I said, okay, well, that's fine, but that is life also. Everyone is busy, everyone has priorities. So if those people aren't necessarily as available to you as much as you want, you're probably gonna gravitate to people who drain you and who give you their time more freely. And the downside with that is that you're gonna feel drained. So the next best thing we can do is start increasing your social circle, right? Making new friends. And if you're over 30, that can be bloody scary. Like you're not just gonna walk up to someone completely new, or maybe you will, but I'd be a bit interested if this is you, and you would say, Hey mate, will you be my friend? Like friendship is earned, as I said, it's a skill. But where do you find people or like-minded people? It's generally doing the things that you love. So for me, I would be at a run club or I would be traveling to new places, something active and outdoor, or maybe some family group now that I've got a son, where I would meet people who are in a similar stage of life to me and who have similar values, you know, they might value their health, they may value family, they may value adventure. And I go, Well, this person could be my new best friend. And the key with that is you want to continue building it. And I've probably been guilty of in my life saying, Hey, you don't need a heap of friends, you just need good friends. And that's true. But what if your good friends' lives get busy and you slowly start separating and you start growing apart? Who are you left with? No one. That sounds very sad, doesn't it? But that's the truth. As we get older, people die off, people grow apart, there's different interests, and that's the reality of it. So, therefore, you need to plan for that. One thing that I've started doing, you know, obviously, after you audit your social circle and not just social circle, but the people that you're spending the most time with, you can then move into, well, okay, what are the things that I would do to make new friends? We've said that. And if you're someone who goes, Well, I don't really know where to start, but you've got a couple of good friends, why not get a create a get together or a meetup where you say, Hey mate, why don't you bring someone in your life that I don't know that you reckon's a good bloke? And I'll bring someone in my life. So, one thing I've done recently, went and played a round of golf, invited one of my buddies and said, Hey, you bring someone I don't know, I'll bring someone you don't know. We'll switch it up, we'll potentially make new friends, or we might find out some of your friends are absolute losers, vice versa. Right? But that's the goal because it's art of meeting new people. And sometimes a warm introduction is a lot easier than a cold introduction, right? So that is something that you can do. So I would love you to not only think about who what's the influence of the people that you're spending your time around with, but how can you get warm connections to new people so that it's easier to make friendships with like-minded people, people that are already vetted, then that could be an interesting thing to do. And thirdly, is start creating a list of experiences that you want to have where you might meet some like-minded people, right? So for me, I'm signed up to I think I've got six or seven half marathons and marathons this year. My goal whenever I go to a new event is if I'm at the start line or if it's after the race, I just want to go meet someone, right? Find out where they're from, a little bit about them. Obviously, when you're traveling for those events, maybe you're not going to become mates because you live in different areas, right? That's okay. But the key for me is always just outside of work because work is very transactional. Work can be almost forced friendships, unless you love what you do and you're in a startup or something like that, where it is genuinely like-minded people. But if you find yourself at a job you don't like, if you find yourself going for afterwork drinks with people that maybe you don't like just because it's a social thing to do, then it might be worthwhile starting to do some of this stuff. Because you don't want to be in that position where when it matters, you know, when you're going to retire or you may go through some of the most challenging periods of your life, you don't have anyone to call on, right? And that's the I guess the reality check of life. So the social circle that you have is the ceiling, right? They show you what you believe will be possible. And if you don't like that, it's time to change it. That's it from me. Click the link below. There will be the Experience Bank PDF, which will help you create five experiences in your life. One with your partner, and if you don't have a partner, choose a family member or something. One with family, one is a challenge of something hard, one is visiting somewhere new, and the other one is doing something for yourself, right? That'll be a great little activity and exercise for yourself. What I want to leave you with is don't let success be the reason why you become the loneliest person on the planet.