I Wanted to Become a Good Man But Had No Idea What That Actually Meant - Until I Did This #689

Ask 10 men what a good man actually is, and you'll get 10 different answers. Ask most of them to live it out, and they go silent. 

We've spent more than a decade arguing about what masculinity is, picking it apart, telling men what they shouldn't be. And somewhere in the noise, we forgot to give men something to aim at.

In this episode, I walk you through the three-part framework I use with every man I coach: Define Him. Find the Gap. Vote Him Into Existence. This isn't about telling you who to be. It's about helping you figure that out for yourself — and then start closing the gap between who you are now and the man you actually respect.

You'll learn:
- Why most men are chasing better with no real target, and how to fix that
- The difference between values and standards, and why both matter
- How to audit your calendar to see what you actually value (not what you think you do)
- The four pillars: Strong Body, Calm Mind, Clear Purpose, Confident Life
- The four gaps that keep men stuck: skills, experiences, environments, and identity beliefs
- What timeline therapy is, and why it was completely transformative for me
- The three voting moments every man faces daily, and how to win them
- Why you don't become a good man at some future point. 

You become him in the next decision.

Free Life Performance Scorecard (takes less than 4 minutes) → https://scorecard.lachlanstuart.com.au/

Transcript

Why Men Need A Clear Target

Lachlan Stuart 0:00

Ask 10 men what a good man actually is, and you'll get 10 different answers. Ask most of them to live it out, and many of them are gonna go silent. We have spent probably more than the last decade, but I've been in this industry for a decade arguing about what masculine it is, picking it apart, telling men what they shouldn't be. And somewhere in the noise, we have forgot to give them something to aim at. But here's what I believe finding what a good man is matters. It's one of the most important pieces of work a man will ever do, but the definition isn't handed to you just by your culture, by your father, by the internet, or even by me. It is on you. You decide what that man stands for, and I mean the man in the mirror, what he holds himself to, how he shows up, because that version of you is the one who builds the life that you actually want, leads the family the way that you're proud of, and contributes to something real in the community around you. There's no point me telling you exactly who to be because that would just fall on deaf ears. None of us like being told who we should be, although most of us are living that way. But I'm gonna tell you this. I have very strong views on values and standards that separate the men who become someone from the men who uh sorry, someone from the men who just talk about it. And in this episode, I'm going to share them. Three parts define him, find the gap, vote him into existence. Now, boys, I'm not gonna lie, I was just reading that off an intro script because I was like, I've got to really land this point. You and I both know that if we don't grab your attention, you're not gonna listen to the value. And I believe there is a lot of value in this one. So now that you're here, let's rip into it.

Define The Man You Respect

Lachlan Stuart 1:45

The first thing that is so important around becoming a good man or how to be a good man is you gotta define that. There are men in society that you would look up to. You might admire people, you might respect them. And in those moments or when you have those people, we need to ask ourselves what is it that I admire about that individual? What is it that inspires me about that man? And rather than just going, oh, he's just an inspiring person, no, we need to get specific because if you're specific on things, you can then start looking at how you can bring that into existence in your own life. It's it's super simple, right? If you're vague with things, ultimately you can't hit what you can't see. So if we can be specific, then it's gonna be easy for you to start working on bringing those into existence. And then when you actually have to move on from defining the man, you can start becoming the man. But as I said, it's like most of the men on the planet, or anyone who's listening to podcasts like this one, they're chasing better with no real target. They just say, I want to be a better dad, I want to be a better husband, I want to be a better business owner, I want to be a better friend. But what does better mean? If you don't define that, once again, you're walking blind, you can't see. So a good man just isn't a feeling, he's a it's a standard that you can name.

Values That Act Like A Compass

Lachlan Stuart 3:10

So there's two things that I want to dive into here. The first one is values. We always hear people talk about values. You need to have your values, and to be honest, they're like a compass, right? They they give you direction around it, and the easiest way I think about it is there are things or places that you're drawn to. You know, some people where you're like, we just became best friends, or I have so much in common with that person, or you walk into a place and you go, I want to spend more time in this environment. Just like on the other side, there is the opposite of that. There's people that you meet and you go, never again, never again. Same with environments or experiences you have. You're like, nope, not for me. Because it's just something that you value or don't value. And we want to understand that it's going to be something that you stand for, it's something that you protect, and it becomes a non-negotiable. For me personally, I value family, I value health, I value adventure, I value growth, and I value integrity. I would believe that those who spend enough time around me would be able to say that about me as well because I am someone who really focuses on not only being aware of my values, but making sure that I act on them. So health is a value. You can tell I like health and fitness. Adventure, yes, family, yes. I prioritize time with those things and implementing those things rather than just going, yeah, I'm 40 kilos overweight, but I value health. It's like I disagree, right? It doesn't align with the results that you're getting. So that's what we need to look at first is the values of a man and the values of the man that you want to become.

Standards When No One Sees

Lachlan Stuart 4:52

The second thing is the standards, right? So it's how you behave when no one is watching. Ultimately, to me, the the vision is going to be uh sorry, the values are going to be the things that you want to bring into existence. It's like I'm someone who values this. The standards are the things that you do when no one's watching that will help people go, yeah, this guy clearly values health, even when he's not at 5 a.m. in the morning when people aren't watching him, he's still getting up and prioritizing his health because that's important to him. It's something that he values. So when you think about that, are you holding yourself to that daily standard or are you not? So, two things to consider. One, if you don't know what you value, well, I'm sure you do, but if you aren't living in an existence with that or in alignment with that, you need to ask yourself why and why or why not, and what has to happen in order to bring that into existence. So, a very simple thing you can do if you use a calendar, go back and see what you've been doing or how you've been spending your time for the last week and ask yourself: is that aligned with what I actually value or is it not? Very confronting. But if we can audit things, we can go, okay, well, this is where I am, and we're creating a gap. This is where I want to be, and that's what we'll talk about next in the gap.

The Four Pillars Of Alignment

Lachlan Stuart 6:04

But when we're looking at the core four that I talk about with the coaching that I do, it's like strong body, we need to think about how you treat your physical vessel, how you treat the body. The body is the vehicle. If we look at calm mind, it's like how you manage your internal world, right? This is the driver, your mind is the driver, it really drives your life. Clear purpose is the next one, and that's the values that drive your direction. If we aren't really dialed in on the standards and if we aren't really dialed in on the why behind what you're doing, you become fleeting and someone else will tell you what your purpose should be. And that is where we grow apart from ourselves. You know, you might have heard that in life, in marriage, it will be one of the most important decisions you ever make, right? If you're in a marriage or a partnership with someone and you're growing apart, you might have different values, different standards, different ideas on how things should be done. And that's not good, right? That's gonna blow shit up. If you have the opposite of that, where you're growing together, your values are aligned, then you can become unstoppable. And it's the same with yourself. So if you know what your values are, but you're living out of alignment of that, then that's where you feel this confusion or this frustration inside where you're thinking, I'm going to work and I'm doing this today, but I wish I was doing something else. Many people experience that. And if that's you, you're a very simple part is going, okay, let me just go back to thinking about what I actually value, what my day says I value, and how can I bridge that gap. It may be not an overnight change, but it's something that we want to work on, whether it's over a 12-week period or whatever that looks like. Finally, confident life. And this is something that gets overlooked and something that I am diving into so much more in my own life and with other people. But it's how you show up in your relationships, in leadership, in work and in life. It's very easy to do all of these things. You can be a person who just reads, studies, and focuses on learn, learn, learn, learn, learn. But if you don't implement anything, if you don't act on anything, then how can you become confident in life? You could be someone who sings in the shower. And I'm not going to sing for you because that'll ruin your ears. But you could be someone who sings in the shower and go, man, I'm actually pretty good at that. But you never take that outside the shower. And so if you get asked to go up on an open mic night or another opportunity rolls through, you might just go, no, I'm not confident to do that. I'm not doing it. And so, like anything in life, especially as a man, to become a good man, we need to understand the values, understand the standards, and then we need to start implementing and executing on them. Because that is when you go, okay, I'm not just a man who values health but does the complete opposite. I am a man who values health and I'm living it out in my life. I am getting up and exercising daily, you know, getting involved in community sport events. There's plenty of stuff going on, but that is how you prove to yourself and to others that hey, I'm holding that standard, I'm I'm living that, and I'm building my confidence in my ability to be a healthy person, if that's the example that we use.

Find The Gap And Face Growth

Lachlan Stuart 9:08

Now, as I touched on brief previously, briefly, sorry, just before, is like we want to create that gap, and that's point two. So, point one is we've got to define the man. Now, once we've defined the values and the standards, and you can do a lot more if you want to, but once you've defined that, you need to say, Well, am I doing that? Do I have those standards and do I live by those values or do I not? And if not, you go, okay, well, this is what I currently am proving that I value based on how I'm spending my time, what I think about, and the results that I have, and this is where I need to be. And in there is going to be a gap. The gap is what we get to close.

unknown 9:44

It's fun.

Lachlan Stuart 9:45

But here's the thing when you go to close a gap, it requires growth. You cannot grow without experiencing adversity or without experiencing pressure. So that means inherently you will be signing a contract to face adversity. And so if you don't feel like you're capable of facing adversity, maybe you're not ready to grow yet, or maybe there's a smaller next step. And one of the pillars is calm mind, right? And this is where we steady the ship. As I said, the mind manages as the calm mind focuses on managing your internal world and helping you steer the vehicle. And that's what we need to have happen during the growth period. Some people can take huge leaps in growth because they're just thrive in fear, they thrive in adversity, they thrive under pressure. And then you've got other people who are just dipping their toe in for the first time. And trust me, you can get used to it. It's just exposure, right? It's confidence, it's doing more of it. But in the beginning, you just got to go, okay, what am I capable of? And if it's not where you want to be, that's okay. You just got to drop your eyes down to your toes a little bit more and go, okay, what is that first step I can take to bridge the gap? And that is what we need to be mindful of. Many people won't take that step because they don't think it's gonna happen fast enough. I'm 35 now and life is going so quick. I remember when I started my first business, I was telling people that I was gonna earn a million dollars in 12 months. I had a lot of gaps, like I didn't know how to fucking market, I didn't know how to sell, I didn't have a reputation, I had nothing. I couldn't even communicate well, and I just skipped the whole gap part and I just thought, let's just go at it. If I talk about it enough, I'm gonna make the million dollars. Did you think I made the million dollars? I didn't, I didn't. And so this is the advice that I would give to other people. So when we go identifying these gaps, there are three main things.

Skills Environments Beliefs That Block You

Lachlan Stuart 11:46

So four main things skills. So what can that version of you, what can the good man or great version of you do that you can't yet? So for me, as I just mentioned, sales, marketing, communicate well. I had to go learn that. I've invested in coaching, I've read lots of books, I've hosted a podcast with over 700 episodes. I still do videos like this to continue getting better at it. And I'm nowhere near where I would like to be. But I'm so much further ahead than where I was. And that's because I just started. So understand that there will be skills. And when you learn a skill, once again, there's gonna be frustration moments. There's gonna be moments where you go, ah, I just don't get it. I just don't think I can get my head around this. But then you'll have a breakthrough, right? There's always this saying that it feels like you're about to have a breakdown right before you have a breakthrough. The next part is experiences. This is really important and definitely undervalued in my opinion. What have you lived through that has built you? Many of us don't talk about the experiences that we've had because the experiences honestly shape how you think, how you see the world, what you understand. So you need to ask yourself, what do you need to actually put yourself through? Like, in order for the work that I do with a lot of men, I have been through the experiences that they're trying to close, close the gap on, going from not having really any skill sets to developing a lot around establishing a great marriage and relationship, learning how to make friends and establishing friends, getting clear on setting standards that allow me to build the life that I wanted to build, setting goals, building resilience, living a great life by trying new things. And a lot has changed as a result of that. But I understand not only the frameworks, like if I follow this path, this will potentially lead to this outcome, but also what goes through your mind at the same time because those two have to align. It's very easy to say if you do this, you will get that outcome. But then your mind just holds you back. You know what I'm talking about. So that's a really important thing there with the experiences. The next one, environments. So you need to think about who's around that version of yourself. Once again, when I decided I was going to earn a million bucks, I was like, I'll just get around millionaires. That's the fastest shortcut. The problem was at that time I didn't have much value to offer millionaires, and not in that I was a wasn't worthy of anything, it was just I didn't have any skill sets or a reason for them wanting to seek me out. So I had two choices. I needed to say, am I going to just dust my hands clean and accept that I'm never going to be able to get in that circle to adopt their skills, their beliefs, and see how they function? Or do I work on myself enough to become the kind of person who gets invited into those environments? And that was what I did. And so think about the inputs that you're consuming because from an environmental standpoint, and this is one thing I work with the guys on as well, is like there's where you live, there's what you consume, and the people that you surround yourself with. There's three things that you need to consider from an environmental standpoint. And I could give you so many more examples there, but we won't do that. The the final one is identity belief. So, what does that version of you, a good man, believe about himself that you don't believe yet? And that's creating that gap. For me, some were I needed, I wasn't worthy of success. I just didn't believe that I was a good enough person to have success to earn good money. And all I needed to do then was identify those limiting beliefs, challenge them, change them, and collect enough evidence to continue supporting the new belief that I wanted to install. And we do something in the coaching with men called timeline therapy. And if you haven't ever looked into it, go check it out. It's really, really cool. And I had it done to me six to eight years ago, roughly, completely transformative. So definitely go check that out. But a very simple question you can ask yourself if I lined up the man that I want to become next to who I already am. So you're standing here, and then there's the version 2.0 of where I want to get to. What's the biggest gap? And what are you willing to do to close that gap? That's a good one for you to think about. Most men avoid this step, but naming the gap is going to be that unlock. You don't rise to your goals, you fall to the gap that you refuse to look in. Now, final part, part three, and I want to wrap this up because this has gone a little longer than I had anticipated for your drive to

Vote Him Into Existence Daily

Lachlan Stuart 16:17

work. But the final one is voting yourself and voting that good man into existence. You don't become a good man at some future point. You become him in the next decision. I'm a big believer in this. Every choice is a vote. The workout, the hard conversation, the drink you don't have, the way that you speak to your wife when you're tired, the phone you put in the drawer when your kids walk home. Think about this. There's three voting moments to watch for. Firstly, is the hard moment. When it's easy to quit, lash out, or check out. You're either going and proving to not only yourself, but to the world around you, hey, I'm the kind of guy who quits when it gets hard. I'm the kind of guy who retreats when it gets difficult. Or do you get to make a different choice and different vote and step into that fear, step into the hard moment? The next one is the unseen moment when no one would know if you've cut the corner. This is fitness, right? Or it could be making that food choice. It could be having that tough conversation with yourself when you're the only one who's like, oh nah if I don't do that today, I'll do it tomorrow. And no one knows. And you stack day on, day, day after day out with that, and you end up not ever achieving the things that you know you're capable of. And the third one is the emotional moment. When you're triggered and the old you wants the wheel, we all have experiences that we feel comfortable in. And even if they're not necessarily positive, we still feel comfortable there. When you're going through change, part of it is dusting off all the old elements of comfort until we can find comfort in the new version of ourselves, whether it's environmentally, income bracket, a new relationship. And that's uncomfortable. But we need to learn to navigate it, and that's why tying it back into developing a calm mind is so important. And it's why it's the second pillar, and it's a very important pillar in becoming a man that you're proud of, in becoming a good man. So I want to leave you with this. Stop hard asking how do I become a good man? And start asking yourself, what would a good man do right now? That collapses the gaps from years into literally seconds into that vote, and you can do that. So you're not just trying to become a man, you're trying to become him in the next decision. Do that enough time, and becoming takes care of itself. So think about it like this as we wrap up.

One Weekly Vote And The Scorecard

Lachlan Stuart 18:44

A good man isn't a destination, it's a daily decision made on purpose in the moments that most men flinch. This week, pick one area of the call for. So just a recap strong body, calm mind, clear purpose, confident life, and go back if you need a quick recap on what they are, or just head to my website, lochlandstewart.com.au, and you'll see a bit of an overview. But cast one vote for the man that you want to become in just one area. It could be I want to do continue doubling down on strong body, I want to get control of my mind, I want to get clear on my purpose, I just want to start living a better life. Define him, find the gap, vote him into exist existence. That is the whole game. And if you want to find that gap super simple, there's a link below which has the call, sorry, the life performance scorecard, which is essentially a diagnostic tool, takes less than four minutes that will help you see the gap and give you some feedback on how you can improve that. See you in the next video.