The 3-Step Framework to Own Your Story and Change Your Life #701

You cannot become the man you want to be until you own the man you've become.

Four years ago a bloke came to me doing FIFO work, seven on, seven off. His marriage was falling apart. He was blaming his roster, his wife, his circumstances. Everything except himself.

In this episode I walk through the exact 3-step framework we used to turn that around, and why owning your story is the only thing that actually changes it.

You'll learn:
- The difference between a victim mindset and a creator mindset (and which one you're living in)
- Step 1: Own what happened — the two questions that force honest self-reflection
- Why "that happened to me" and "that happened for me" lead to completely different lives
- Step 2: Control the narrative — the two brothers story that says everything
- Why you can't control your first thought, but you can control your second
- Step 3: Write the next chapter — who are you becoming from here?
- The one choice to make this week to prove it

I also share the story of a client who was headed for divorce, how we rebuilt his story from the ground up, and where he is four years later.

Start this Free Life Performance Scorecard (under 4 minutes) → https://scorecard.lachlanstuart.com.au/

Ready to own your story and lock in the life you want? Apply to join the Locked-In Life group cohort → https://wkf.ms/4foUmo1

Transcript

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Own The Man You Are

Lachlan Stuart 0:00

You cannot become the man you want to be until you own the man that you've become.

Victim Mindset Vs Creator Mindset

Lachlan Stuart 0:04

Look, there are two kinds of blokes in life. There are those who are looking at life as the poor me, I'm the victim. And generally they're at the effect of everything that's happening in the world. News, politics, everything. They have feel like they have no control over life. The second kind is those who are the creator, those who understand that they're owning their story and what they choose to do can become their reality. And look, I have been both, and I can tell you the latter is a much better way to live because just feeling like you have a bit of control over your life and the results that are happening and what you can create is much easier to it makes it much easier to get out of bed than being, you know, expecting everything else to happen for you or against you.

Step 1 Own What Happened

Lachlan Stuart 0:50

So in this video, I want to give you a very simple framework around how and why you need to own your story and how that will be the thing that changes your life. You've definitely, you may have heard that cliche saying, change a story, change a life. This is very true, but first we must own your story. So about four years ago, Bloke approached me to work with me and he was doing FIFO, so fly in, fly out work. He had three kids at home and his wife. His marriage was falling apart, and he was blaming everyone and everything as to why that was the case. He was saying, I have to work a way to put food on the table. I am, my wife doesn't appreciate what I'm doing, my kids just don't understand, and I have no energy when I get home. He was using all these things outside of his control as to why he wasn't showing up. And don't get me wrong, they all play a part. Of course, you're going to be tired, of course it sucks to be away from your home, course it creates a bit of a wedge in the marriage. But was that actually going to save him? So when we started working together, we had to start with his whole owner story. And that, you know, we broke it down into three simple things. It's like the first thing he had to own his story, meaning he had to get clear on where he was at, what book he'd been reading or writing, and own his part in it. He was the one who was choosing to work away. He was using that to justify he was contributing to his family, doing fly in, fly out. But the thing is that financial contribution isn't the only way, or providing financially isn't a way to provide. You need to be there in other ways that matter to the family. So it could look like time, it could be emotional support, mental support. And that's what we had to get clear on. And so when he got clear on his story, he realized that there was things that he wasn't proud of, but he had to accept. There will be a little worksheet in the link below that you can go through super simply to start making some progress on this. So if you're watching this and you're driving, make sure you save it so you can get back to it later. But the first thing is we need to own what happened. Now, your story could be 35 years old like mine, or it could be 23, it could be 55, it doesn't matter. There are going to be some standout things from your story that you need to own, right? Things that are having an impact on your life that you're still outsourcing. You're saying that happened to me rather than that happened for me. Or you can blame the government, you can blame your partner, you can blame your boss, you can blame the market. But once again, that's you giving away control to do anything about it. And once again, they are all influential on results that you get. But if you choose to take control, you can then start changing the story, we can control the narrative, and then what happens next. So, two questions I want you to think about here. The first one is what happened, right? And what part of it do I need to own? So the bloke that I was working with, the first thing that we had to get clear on was his wife was so frustrated, they felt like, well, and he felt like they were roommates living under the same house, they just shared a couple of kids. I said, mate, we can be 50% of the problem, but we need to be 100% of the solution. You can't control what your wife does, but you can control how you show up and you can try and do the best that you possibly can to change the outcome here. Because you know, we can't control anyone. Think about this. If I were telling you what to do, even though I guess I am in a roundabout way, I'm just sharing stories, you don't no one likes being told what to do. I don't like being told what to do. But if you can go, I like that idea, let me test that sort of like inception. Maybe there's going to be some different actions which lead to different outcomes, and they could be favorable or unfavorable. But he had to get clear on what had happened, and it was very simple. He knew that he'd been working away for about eight years, doing seven on, seven off. So when he was away for the seven days, he didn't really check in with his family because he was working massive days, and when he got home, he was absolutely knacked. So he'd do what he found at the time was the easy thing, just shoot a text message. Love you, how you going? And that was really more lip service than anything. Then when he would get home, he needed the washing done, he wanted to catch up on sleep, but he was never really looking at what his wife was experiencing and the weight that and she was carrying on the work that she was doing, and she probably wanted the same things. So we helped him get very clear on that, and he realized, man, I've been writing the wrong story here. Of course, my wife's not gonna feel attracted to me if that's all the things that I'm making her do. So he had to own that, he had to go, man, I'm not communicating, I'm not helping, I'm not asking what she needs, and I'm definitely not making her feel valued. So that was the first thing that he did. And then the second question on this around what own what happened or own your story is what was happening beneath the surface and what can I learn? He was not working at 100% of his capacity. Being away from work, he didn't have access to good food, his fitness routine was non-existent. And I said to him, okay, well, if you're getting home and you don't feel like you have the energy to be a great dad, you know, play with the kids, to walk through the front door and win that first 15 minutes and say to my wife, hey, I got the kids, you go have a bath or do whatever you need to do to recharge, to start recharging. You've had the kids all week. We had to build his capacity and start getting his health back. And so what was happening beneath the surface was he was run down, he was building resentment, he didn't understand why his uh himself and his wife weren't on the same page. So there was a few things that we had to tick off, a few things that we had to own. And we didn't do this all at once, but we had to get very clear on what he could learn, what gaps were there, and how he and what we could do to bridge that gap. And that's when he got to the point where he's like, okay, there is only one possible outcome, and it's gonna be divorce. It's gonna mean that I'm gonna get my children part-time. I'm gonna, everything that I've been working towards financially is gonna get split. Right? So it's not worth it in the first place. So we started owning that story, which then led us go to point number two, which is we get to control the narrative, right?

Step 2 Control The Narrative

Lachlan Stuart 6:52

So the cool thing is, is there's an interesting story, and I'm gonna paraphrase this, I'll probably butcher it. But there was a dude who got life in prison, he was a bank robber, got life in prison, he had two sons, and he was up for parole, you know, 20 years later, or you know, life in prison, whatever that is. Anyway, decades later, and his kids, his two young boys were getting interviewed at the time. They'd had their um, you know, let's say their 30, and he interviewed one of them. And the first one had been in and out of prison his whole life, and they said, You know, tell us how you ended up like this when he was your father. And his response was, How could I not end up like this? They then interviewed the second brother, right? Had the same life, same father, and they said, How did you turn out the way that you did with a father like that? And he said, How could I possibly not? Same experience, two separate stories. They were controlling the narrative, and this is the power of it, right? The owning the story and understanding that there's all we all have things that we're proud of, we all have things that maybe we feel a little bit of shame around, guilt, we wish we could have a redo on. But the next thing is we got to control the narrative of what's happening next. There's either the poor me, once again, the victim, this is happening to me, or the flip side, it's like, what is this trying to teach me? This is happening for me to make me better. Son one, this happened to me. How could I not do what my father did? Son two, this happened for me. Why would I ever want to be like my dad and abandon my family and end up getting life in prison? That's where we want to control the narrative. And so, from the story in your life, you know, you've got the what happened and the what part do you need to own. You've then got what's happening beneath the surface and what can you learn. We then move to point two, which is control the narrative. So, what story have you been telling yourself about what happened? The bloke that I was working with, the story that he was telling himself initially, was and we can backtrack, I sort of covered this already, but he had to do this. It wasn't a choice, he had to do this to provide for his family, and he was working his ass off, and he wasn't really feeling appreciated, he wasn't thinking about that story. And so we had to change the narrative to go, well, you're doing this for the family, but your wife's also doing something equally as important for the family. And in order for you to close the gap when you're you've been working away for a week, we need to win the moments that you walk through the door so that we can close that gap and it doesn't feel like your roommates in the in and around the house. And you may be thinking about this in your own way, right? What's the story that you haven't owned in your life? How can you control the narrative? And the second thing is we look at that same event, right? The or the events that you're thinking about and you're using as examples, and what is a more honest and useful way to tell that story? So, once again, this individual, and I'm paraphrasing a lot of this because we started working together four years ago. But the the paraphrase was a more honest and useful way was to look at it through the lens of if you're watching yourself in third person, would you respect yourself? Would you fall in love with yourself? Would your kids look up to you? And all of those, he was just like, nah, man, I don't think I would, and I don't think they would, and I don't think my wife would. I said, Okay, so how could we tell this story or how could we see this in a different way that would make them appreciate and respect you, make you proud of yourself, and make your wife fall more in love with you? And he went to work, he started writing things down, and this was him then reframing the story. I heard this thing a number of years ago where uh it was actually a psychologist said to me around 2015, you can't always control your first thought, but you can control your second thought. And so the same thing, if you're getting a screening, right, the first image or or idea of a story, and it's not gonna bring you close to what you want or make you see the world in the way that you want to see it, you gotta scratch that and put a new film in. And in the beginning, you've got to really work hard to do that as a plane going over top here. I hope that's not too loud. But eventually it will start playing as a more regular screening, and that's what you need to think about is what is a more honest and useful way to tell the story that you're seeing.

Step 3 Write The Next Chapter

Lachlan Stuart 11:02

This brings us to point three, which is what do you want to read? Right? So, write your next chapter. We've got the story that's already been written, the narrative that you're telling yourself about that story, and it's either a good book or a bad book. How can you shift it based on how you choose to see it? And what do you want to read next? This is why I talk so much about designing a life and being in control of it. There are always going to be variables that impact things, but if you choose to design it, you can. So going on to this bloke, and once again, we got some quick wins within 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, year one, year two, year three, and now we're on year four. And the reason why we work together is because even when you overcome challenges, he wants to get one percent better and knows the work that we've done together is so powerful. And so, when we're thinking about the next chapter, this is where we look at like goal setting. Who do I need to become? What are the important things that I need to schedule in my week so that I'm creating my scrapbook or my book that when I'm 95, maybe 95, I can pick up that book, I can read it, and I can go, Wow, you can be so proud of the main character, which is you, you can be so stoked for all the people who are part of that with you, which is your wife, your children, colleagues, mates, and the stories that you get to tell, which is the experiences that you had. And this is why you cannot become the man you want to be until you own the man that you are. So if you want to make some changes, think about it like this and go back very simply. Step one, own what happened. Use those two questions that I said or get that sheet below. Step two, control the narrative, right? Tell yourself and give meaning to the story in a way that is going to improve your quality of life, not make you feel like and hold you back, ultimately define yourself. And thirdly, is you get to write the next chapter. So think about this question who am I becoming from here? Very, very simple question to come come upon. So this gentleman, he's continuing to evolve. He has and still does run some very successful business. He's slowly worked away from the seven-on-seven-off roster. He's moved towns so that he can give his kids better schooling, he can spend more time with his family and have more um support with his family around so that he can do date nights with his wife. He's back involved in the rugby league community, which he's pumped about. And so that's him thinking about who he's becoming and then building a plan to implement that.

One Choice To Prove It

Lachlan Stuart 13:26

The second question is what is one choice I will make this week to prove it? So you can be in the action item straight away, right? Rather than just sitting on the fence and going, that was interesting to think about. Do something. Every different choice or action will change something. Okay, so you can get that scorecard or comment below what you're gonna do. There is also a link to a scorecard that you can do. It's a number of questions, but it'll give you a score on the overall program that I run because owning your story is one small part of us helping you become a man. That can. If you're tuning in for the first time, my name's Lachlan Stewart. Thank you guys for being here, and I'll see you in the next episode.