
The Dysregulated Podcast
Follow my journey through the chaos of mental illness and the hard-fought lessons learned along the way.
Lived experience is at the heart of this podcast — every episode told through my own lens, with raw honesty and zero filter.
This is a genuine and vulnerable account of how multiple psychological disorders have shaped my past and continue to influence my future.
The Dysregulated Podcast
My Therapy Reflections #11 - When Hope Runs Out (Almost)
** Content warning: This episode discusses suicide, suicidal ideation, and severe mental health crises. Please take care while listening.
In this episode of The Dysregulated Podcast, I unpack my latest therapy session — one that left both my psychologist and I scrambling to try and understand thoughts and feelings that were much more serious than ever before. The stakes couldn't be higher; this was very much a life-or-death scenario.
These looping dark thoughts come from deep within my psyche, much deeper than the usual storm of emotion-fuelled suicidal ideation. This time, it was cold, logical, calculated… and that makes it so much harder to fight. For the first time, I had a clear plan. It felt less like an impulse and more like a grim conclusion my rational mind had come to — and that’s terrifying.
After opening up fully, my psychologist had no choice but to call the NSW mental health line right there in the room. It was confronting but also reassuring to have her there advocating for me. That call has now led to a referral to the Newcastle Community Mental Health Team, with hopes they can triage me properly and maybe even secure an extended inpatient stay to finally sort out these meds.
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Follow my journey through the chaos of mental illness and the hard-fought lessons learned along the way.
Lived experience is at the heart of this podcast — every episode told through my own lens, with raw honesty and zero filter.
This is a genuine and vulnerable account of how multiple psychological disorders have shaped my past and continue to influence my future.
You can follow me on Instagram: @elliot.t.waters, and the show on Facebook!
G'day everybody. My name is Elliot Waters and you're listening to the Dysregulated Podcast, as always. Thank you for tuning in. So today's episode is the next in the my Therapy Reflection series, and you're probably thinking I can hear you saying it right now, elliot. What's the story? Two Therapy Reflections episodes back to back? What's going on?
Speaker 1:Well, I didn't realize this, but I had another appointment booked three days after the appointment that I spoke about in the episode previous, my Therapy Reflections 10, fire and Fury. Three days later, I had another therapy session, but this one was very, very different to the Fire and Fury version. This was not the same at all and in many ways, was worse, in the sense that it was more significant and it was deeper and it was very, very sad and melancholic and there was a lot of negative emotion. All right, so just before we get into it, I do want to say just very quickly that there is a content warning for this episode particularly. I will be talking about suicidality, suicidal ideation, suicide is a big theme of this episode. So if you don't believe that, that's the sort of content you should be listening to right now, which is more than fair enough, now's maybe a time to maybe give this episode a skip for now, but I will say this, I will say this A lot of you have probably been thinking, I'd say, elliot, I'm telling you the last couple of episodes, more than that, they're all negative. This podcast is getting even more negative than we first bargained for.
Speaker 1:So I want to say this, first off, that the next episode following this one is about what's happened today. It's not a therapy reflections episode, but it's positive. Guys, I'm telling you, there's a bit of hope, there's a bit of hope again, yours truly, I've got a bit of, you know, a bit of a spring in my step. There is, there has been today a uh, and it's two days since. Okay, let's try and get this timeline going. Today is two days since the appointment I'm talking about today, which is three days since the appointment, the psychology appointment I talk about in the Fire and Fury episode. Okay, so there's been a lot going on this week, but the next episode, like I said, is positive. Trust me, it's positive, it's going to be great. So, yes, this episode is not going to be particularly positive, I'll say that right from the outset.
Speaker 1:But you know me, I stay true to the purpose of this show, which is to be the most open, honest, vulnerable and genuine fair dinkum podcast on all of the internet. This is essentially my journal in many ways, and if I'm going to do this properly and respect what I'm trying to build with this show, I've got to tell the truth. But there is one little thing that I won't specifically comment on, and that is method, or my plan. So, as you may remember, I am privileged to be on the lived experience advisory board for the Every Mind Institute. Every Mind have done great things in the mental health space, but one of the things that Every Mind has done has coordinated this program called Mindframe frame, which is all about how to approach these sorts of subjects in the media. Um, really great, world-leading sort of research, really really great stuff, and the evidence is clear that you know just about under no circumstances in media like this that's being promoted far and wide, and you'd notice this with how news articles on suicide is approached on television as well. There's no mention of methods or plans, and I'm going to be upholding that pillar of truth and of need here today.
Speaker 1:I will not be talking about any methods or plans, even though, unfortunately, that has crystallized for me recently. But everything else I'll talk about, but that stuff I can't because the evidence is clear that it doesn't do anybody any good. If it did do people good to hear those sorts of things I'd be telling you. But the evidence is clear and I've seen the papers. I've read it because I want to make sure, because obviously I want this podcast to follow those guidelines. But the research is very clear that talking about method and plans is not helpful for anybody. So I will be steering clear of that level of detail. But everything else it's game on. So, like I said, next episode is positive, this one not so much.
Speaker 1:So a little talk on suicidality and myself and how I've always sort of dealt with it and how it's manifested itself and how that's changed more recently. So you know, suicidal ideation is nothing really new to me at all. You know, in the past it's been a lot more. I don't want to say superficial, because you know this stuff is never superficial, but not as deep as what I'm about to go through, how I've been feeling the last couple of months and in particular last week or two. It is different how my thoughts around this have changed.
Speaker 1:So back in the day, like when I was in my teens, my twenties and stuff. Something would go wrong. I'd be late for uni and I couldn't find a park. Know like, I'd be late for uni and you know I couldn't find a park, so I'd be late going into class, which which means there'd be all this social anxiety and I'd be really, really down on that because, holy geez, that's going to be terrible. And I'd often think myself bad things always happen to me. What's the bloody point? I may as well just kill myself now, point. I may as well just kill myself now Now. I used to think that a lot, but the good thing was, for 95% of those thoughts that would pop in quite regularly, I would be able to push back very quickly, you know, with a logical sort of sense, saying come on, come on, elliot, it's not that bad. You know things will be fine. But again, I don't want to make this sound like.
Speaker 1:You know, during my uni days and earlier and stuff in high school it was super superficial because it wasn't. You know, when I was 20, I think it was 20, I lived in Tamworth in Northwest New South Wales on my own. I moved out for work, for my first sort of big career move, and while I was up there during my first year in Tamworth, I did make an attempt on my life Again. The way it manifested itself was different, not the same as how I've been thinking lately A lot more impulsive as well and driven by emotion. It was driven by a lot of alcohol as well.
Speaker 1:I won't go into too much detail now, but what I'm trying to say is, although maybe previously my thoughts around suicide and if it's worth living was a bit more, I think these things on a whim almost. You know something goes wrong. Automate thought kill myself straight away. Automate response to that is come on, elliot, don't be silly, let's proceed with the day Now. Look, nobody should be thinking any of those thoughts ever. It doesn't matter how superficial theoretically this was.
Speaker 1:For me these are signs from way back that things are not right. You know that my wiring is all messed up because the idea isn't that your brain cannibalizes itself and tries to ruin itself. That's not the deal. But for some people, unfortunately and there'll be a few of us nodding, I'd say, at this that's sort of what it's like. Our brains are working against ourselves and trying to do what it can to take itself out. It's crazy stuff, crazy stuff. So these warning signs were there from a young age.
Speaker 1:But what is more worrying is the way I've been thinking about this stuff the last couple of weeks, even months, last couple of months too. It's a lot deeper. It's like okay, what is the actual point of doing all this, I asked myself, and the problem is I haven't been able to answer that question with any great deal of confidence or positivity for a fair while now, because I always lean back on things and you'll hear me say I think oh yeah, sally, we know, but it's true. I'll say what the hell is the point of going through all this suffering when I don't have a partner, a wife, I don't have children, I don't have my own house, I live with mommy and daddy, I've got no money, I'm in a job that I can't stand.
Speaker 1:My physical health isn't amazing, but my mental health in particular is shot to pieces. I'm completely burned out and I don't see my reality changing all that much for the better. Moving forward, I can only see more of the same and worse. And that has been a hard sort of you know, question to try and push back against. Because unfortunately, more recently, you know, in the last 12, 18 months, maybe even longer, but as I've gotten older, in the last 12, 18 months, maybe even longer, but as I've gotten older, it's my logical side that I'm sure is biased by one to push back against the emotional stuff, the negative emotions, saying come on, there's reasons like this, this and this, to keep going, things will get better and there's evidence for this. Blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 1:The problem is, more recently, my logical side of my brain has come to the conclusion that, you know what, maybe the emotional side is actually right on a few things. It's like, yeah, there is good reason to feel pretty bad about things because life isn't going the way that we sort of planned. You know, things are shit, this is a shit life. You know, like, looking at it as logically as possible, it says to me, the wise mind, the self that's supposedly in the center of the emotional and logical mind, it says to the self, to me, the wise mind, the self that's supposedly in the center of the emotional and logical mind, it says to the self, to me, to my wise mind, it's like look, to be honest with you, old mate's got a few good arguments there. There is no wife, there is no children, blah, blah, blah, blah, and the longer that this is dragged on, for the older that I've got, the stronger these thoughts have gotten, and you'd know that from listening to the podcast.
Speaker 1:Um, you know, there there's been an uptick, especially lately, about things. Um, you know, and I've really sort of hit my limit as far as how burnt out I am and how fatigued I am, um, but also my limit to how much effort I can put into pushing back against these negative thoughts. I'm starting to come around to accepting my fate, and that's not good, because the way I believe and think of these things is this is how it's going to be. I don't want a part of it. This is just suffering for no reason. Why am I suffering? For what's the point? If I've got no hope that things will improve and I truly believe that, well then we're in big trouble. Let me tell you the last couple reason. Why am I suffering? For what's the point? If I've got no hope that things will improve and I truly believe that, well then we're in big trouble. And let me tell you the last couple of days in particular. This has been building for months, for years, but the last couple of days I've been on zero.
Speaker 1:So there was fire and fury. That was a very frustrated and angry although not aggressive in in that sense, um, but angry at the world. Um, elliot, you know imagining that that cloud and just sort of yelling and pointing fingers, giving it the finger, you know, swearing, carrying on. Um, that was a different elliot to the one that went to therapy two days ago. This version of me was not stimmed up on Vyvanse, dexamphetamine I'd had none of that, I hadn't had much caffeine at all, so I wasn't all stimmed up. I'd actually slept better, which meant I was thinking clearer, although it doesn't matter, because when I talk about fatigue and being burned out, this is the sort of stuff that sleep, a good night's sleep, doesn't fix this. This is too deep, you know. This stuff goes right to the bones. But of course having poor sleep, you know, adds to the overall load, which is what the fire and fury is about. But this one was more measured.
Speaker 1:Now I went into this therapy session and I knew it was going to be different, because I just didn't have the energy. You know I couldn't be. You know I didn't have that push back against the world saying, nah, screw you, I deserve good things, this is what's going to happen. I didn't have any of that. What I had, though, was a lot of acceptance and a lot of sadness, melancholy, you know, a lot of depression and negative emotion. There wasn't, I wasn't fired up, there was no energy. You know, I was slumped. You know, like the other day, when I walked in the therapy and sat down, I was, you know, tapping my legs, tapping my hands. You know, I couldn't stop talking. I just kept, you know, verbal diarrhea about how terrible my life is, and you know, going through those loops over and over again. You know.
Speaker 1:I walked in this time, and I said to my psychologist I said, look, this is the other side of the coin, the other end of the extreme, because I'll tell you right now, I've got nothing. I've got nothing. I said, and she goes all right, well, let's see what we can work with here. So I sat down, and there was no tapping me foot, there was no flicking fingers and stuff full of energy. Um, I was very deflated. I sank into the lounge. I even thought, you know, geez, this feels deeper today. You know the normal.
Speaker 1:It felt like I sunk in. I wasn't going to be able to get back out cause I didn't have the energy, um, you know, shoulders hunched, um, making zero eye contact, uh, a lot softer, and needing prompting to say something, whereas, obviously, fire and Fury, I was getting prompted to stop talking and still going straight through those prompts and yabbering on. So this was a very different, elliot, but this was worse because they didn't have that spark, even though it was a little bit destructive during Fire and Fury. This time there was no spark, there was just acceptance. And I'd been thinking a lot about this acceptance thing since that Fire and Fury appointment and I'd come to some pretty bad conclusions. So I spoke before about suicidality and how it was compared to now. It felt more superficial. Well, now I should probably explain the other side of that, how it feels like now.
Speaker 1:And the thing that's really worried me the last couple of days this has really got acute and this has scared me is because there's now detail around this. As I said, I'm not going through methods, I'm not going through plans, because that doesn't help anybody, but the fact is, for the first time there's been clear method and plans, very clear. I know exactly how I do it and I can see myself doing it because, obsessively, it's all I could think about for, you know, five days or whatever it was, over and over again, I was like, right, we've got the plan, we've got the plan, are we going to do it? Are we going to do it? And constantly I'm to-ing and fro-ing Are we going to go all the way, or should we give it a chance? Or what's the story? Um, so I, I went into this therapy session with that, all you know, with me, you know, going all around my head, um, and it was, it's heavy stuff, man, you know, like, seeing your own demise and knowing how it would happen, how it would all play out, that's scary.
Speaker 1:That's scary and that is as heavy as anything I've ever gone through. Um, you know, like, even the last couple of months, I've always had this vague idea of what would probably happen, but it was never as specific as what it has been the last week. Very specific, I can see it happening. I know exactly how I would do it, and that scares the crap out of me. And what scares the crap out of me more than that is the fact that my logical mind was like you know what? I don't know. I reckon this could be the way forward. What's the point of suffering so much when nothing good's going to happen.
Speaker 1:Elliot, you're not getting your wife, you're not getting your children, you're not going to get your own home, you're not even going to have a good retirement. Because one of the things I've been thinking about is withdrawing some money from my superannuation fund, which is meant to fund your retirement here in Australia, and use it because you're allowed to, under compassionate grounds, to withdraw money and use it to pay for therapy and hospitalization, stuff like this. So I've been obsessively thinking as well about how, if I do that, even if it fixes my mental health temporarily and helps, I've ruined my retirement and I'll have to work till the day I die. So I'm just thinking this sort of stuff just constantly and I'm debating with myself. I'm like well, look, I don't know, I can't push back against this.
Speaker 1:Logically, to me this seems spot on. This is the reality that I've been dealt with. This is how it's going to be. It sucks, but there's winners and there's losers and, elliot, you seem to be a loser and I don't think there's a way out of this. Yeah, you know, a decision needs to be made. We want to put up with this garbage, this pain, this turmoil, knowing that nothing good's going to happen anyway? That's a tough question to answer.
Speaker 1:When your logical mind is pushing that sort of way of thinking, you know it's one thing for your emotions to flood in, you know, and you can't you calm down and you look back. Oh, you know I was all emotional this but not when your logical brain's pushing it. That's scary. That's scary, let me tell you, and that's never happened this clearly before. Where there's a plan, there's a method, you know, there's a clear acceptance of my fate. That, I believe, is clear, that nothing good's coming my way, um, and it's.
Speaker 1:It's a terrible, terrible way of feeling constantly debating because you know, you know me OCD, these obsessive thoughts constantly. I'm, on one hand, I do all this stuff like at the same time it's unbelievable that my brain doesn't just explode. But you know like I'm having visions of, you know, some pretty, pretty scary stuff, while I'm debating whether you know I should go through with this or not, and then, at the same time, I'm worried because you know I'm in a conversation with somebody, I'm not concentrating and making eye contact. You know all the usual stuff. That's all there as well. It's all happening at the same time and you can imagine somebody who's got no energy left, completely fatigued, burnout. You know it's pretty hard, it's pretty hard.
Speaker 1:So, anyway, I went into my therapy session knowing all of this and battling all of this, and I was very defeated and I sat down in the lounge, felt like I was sinking into it and that life was just going to swallow me up. And I knew, you know, I didn't go in there with a plan. Often I'll go into therapy and I've got a bit of a plan what I want to talk about. But today there was no plan, but I knew where it would go and I was sort of just, you know, again, I was just resigned to the fact that this is going to be fun, another great therapy session, more negativity, but it's got to be done and it had to be done.
Speaker 1:So I went in there, sat down and my psychologist yeah, said how things were and I said you know, this is going to be the polar opposite of the previous therapy appointment that we've had there's no fire and fury. This time there's resignation that my life is a complete mess and it's never going to get any better and that I don't have the tools or the ability or the strength or the skill set to improve my way of living and that I'm a loser. So I was repeating that again, like I was the other couple of therapy sessions I've had lately. That keeps coming up, but I was saying it in such a defeated way. Yeah, like I said, my shoulders were rounded, I was making zero eye contact, I was talking softer and she had to ask more probing questions to get me talking. But, as I sort of expected, because I walked in there and there was this pressure, the same pressure, but just building, building, and I knew it was going to manifest itself differently this time it wasn't going to be the fire and fury, but I knew it was still going to manifest itself and I knew it wouldn't take much and it was all going to come out. And you know that's exactly what happened.
Speaker 1:You know she said how have you been since our last therapy session, a couple of days before An innocuous question, and I said I'll be honest with you, really, really bad. And I said I've been thinking some bad things about the capital S word suicidality and suicide, and I've been thinking about it a lot obsessively and I'm scared because I'm not coming up with a way to push back against this. I don't know what to do. My logical mind seems to be in agreeance with my emotional mind. This is scary. And she said have you made a plan about this sort of stuff?
Speaker 1:I said this is the other thing that scares me, because I think I said earlier in the episode, I've always had this general idea of, if I was ever to do it, what it would probably look like. But the way of thinking changed from what it would probably look like to this is how it will go. And if I do it, this is how it will be. And I said that, yeah, this was something that had developed over the last week, two weeks, maybe three weeks as well, but certainly the week that has just gone. I said this is new territory for me. Suicidal ideation is not new. These sorts of thoughts questioning whether life's worth the sacrifice and the suffering to continue, this is nothing new. But the way that I've been thinking about it from the angle of my logical mind, that's scary. And the detail I have around methods and plans, that's even scarier.
Speaker 1:I said this is I'm right at the precipice. This is it. If I can just convince that little spark of hope that I've got that there is no hope, and it may as well stuff itself out now. I said to her look, we're going ahead with this. This is scary, but that's where I'm at. This is how bad things have got Um.
Speaker 1:And then she said um, you know, and she said some great things and I sort of I wasn't emotional or anything, and that's the other thing else I was. I was very, very, um measured in how I said all these things, um, which scared her a little bit. She said there's definitely been a shift here and this is something we need to address and address. We did so. What she did was ring, on my behalf, the New South Wales Mental Health Line. So this was 15 minutes into the session because I thought, oh, we're going to ring the Mental Health Line, we'll be on hold forever. I can't afford to pay for a double appointment. How's this going to work?
Speaker 1:But I remember looking over and thinking right, we've got 45 minutes. That's pretty good, because what's the golden rules around psychotherapy and with clients and patients and full disclosure and all that sort of stuff? And it is, and I can't believe I completely forgot this. It's never occurred to me but if the client or patient says things that would suggest there are danger to themselves or to other people, the relevant authorities must be alerted. So she said, elliot, I'm just going to stop you there just quickly. I'm just letting you know that I have to let the relevant authorities know what has just been said and what's going on. I want to do this together and you know let's do this together and try and get a result here and so, which was great.
Speaker 1:But I didn't even think when I said this. I had no idea, no clue, even though I've done an honours degree in psychology and I learnt this at uni, around the ethics, around all this sort of stuff. I've done heaps of work on it. At no point did I apply it to my own situation and think, oh, if I say these things, she's going to have to act. But I'm glad that that is what happened. I'm glad that proviso, that provision, is in place and because I needed her to see everything but then also be a part of this process with the New South Wales mental health team.
Speaker 1:We know I'm at war at the moment with the health system, the mental health system here in New South Wales. I sort of said that jokingly, but I sort of not as well, I haven't been able to come up with some very good results and I've been trying. I believe pretty hard for somebody who cannot stand phone calls and isn't a very good advocate for themselves, and I've been trying. I believe pretty hard for somebody who cannot stand phone calls and isn't a very good advocate for themselves. I've been trying really hard to try and get some help and it hasn't been forthcoming. So I was happy that my psychologist was making this phone call because then she could either see firsthand how I get you know mucked around or she can say the magic words that somehow make this all happen and get the wheels turning, which is what I'm so desperately wanting to happen, which thankfully today it appears may have happened. Um, but that's for the next episode.
Speaker 1:So she rang and we went through you know all again and you know what's your name. So I said yeah, she. She rang, sorry and spoke and said I'm calling on behalf of my client, elliot Waters. I'm so-and-so psychologist. And eventually you know just some questions were said to her quickly about our conversation, how much time we had. And then it went back to me and I got frustrated at this point because you know like so what's your name? I said Elliot Waters. What's your address. I said my address, you know what's your date of birth.
Speaker 1:I was like 25th of 10th, 1990, 34 years young. And I thought, right, surely they've got all these referrals from GPs, from psychologists, all my history in the system, over a decade of being a part of this system. Surely it just pre-fills now Everything, all the forms, all the sections are pre-fills and I don't have to go through everything again. But no, what medications are you on? Or what medication are you on? I was like it's not medication, it's medications. So I went through all the seven meds or whatever there is, and then you know what diagnoses, what disorders or diagnoses have you got? And I said, well, again, it's more than one, there's seven or eight of them too.
Speaker 1:I went through that and there were general questions about how I was feeling in that moment, all this sort of stuff, and I tried to stay as level-headed and as calm as I could and I did a pretty good job of it. If this was the other day, during the fire and Fury appointment, I would have been absolutely tearing shreds off this operator, who doesn't deserve that. They're just doing their job. But I was getting very frustrated because I'm sick to death of telling the same details to the same systems that have done nothing for me. And I'm sick of telling them over and over and going through all the details again, which I don't always enjoy rehashing these things, because it's not positive stuff, you know, this is negative stuff. I don't quite like reminding myself constantly of all the different disorders I've got, because you know it's not a good thing, it's ruining my life. I don't really want to keep having to go through this. Can't they just, you know, read between the lines a little bit and do a bit of research before they get to me? But anyway, whatever, I did what I had to do. And then they said all right, elliot, we're going to refer you on to the Newcastle community mental health team, the acute care team. They'll, you know, I've referred you to them, they'll give you a call and we'll talk about the steps moving forward. And I was like I said, mate, I've been referred to the acute care team, the Newcastle community team, that many times and they don't ring me.
Speaker 1:I was at the MARTA three weeks ago. I was referred then at the emergency department. They referred me on and I've heard nothing. So I was like, look, I'm not going to hold my breath. My psychologist went in a bat for me and said you know how, in her opinion, this is getting beyond like yeah, this is high risk right now. There's no mucking around here. She's seen a sudden shift and a significant shift in the way that I'm speaking and the way that I present and she's very, very concerned. That was validating, but also scary as well, because it's like, oh geez, you know this is real and made that point very clear. And he said you know, if things get worse, of course go back to the MARTA, the emergency department, and they'll do what they do, which you know, being there, done that, I wasn't too keen on going back to the MARTA, but at this point, you know, the floodgates had opened and I'd said how bad bad things are and how difficult it is to push back and how much logic there seems to be to this way of thinking that it's not worth it and things aren't going to change.
Speaker 1:And I sort of went through a little bit about, you know, those looping thoughts again, you know, and produced this was after the phone call ended, just at the end of my session and produced that as sort of evidence as to show as to where my logical way of thinking, in my belief, has come from. And I said to my psychologist I said doesn't that sound? Doesn't that make sense? What I'm saying, like, does it make sense logically? Like you can see the logic in where I'm coming from, can't you? And her response was that at no point ever is it logical to have these thoughts about you know committing suicide and, and you know, ending things and not having hope.
Speaker 1:When we're in therapy together, and we've had hope over the last couple of weeks, it's just sort of tailed off as as as I've gone through this real rough spot. But she's like you know, you know, we know we've had some great achievements in here and and up until recently things were tracking so well and you know, you know things can turn around and but even now I couldn't really, you know, I couldn't really take that all in. I was like no, I don't know, I don't know, I reckon, I reckon what I'm thinking is bang on. But she was very firm in saying that there's no logic to what I was thinking and that did make me think. I was like geez, you know, is what I'm thinking true, or is this? You know, then, my borderline is psychotic. What's the truth, you know what's even real.
Speaker 1:But anyway, we ended the therapy session. So there was a lot of yeah, so there was a lot less talking from me. We rang the mental health line, which was great, but I presented in a very different way, but in a lot more ways, a lot more serious, um, because my, my thinking was very final, um, and I did repeat a lot that I've come to this logical conclusion that things are not going to improve and that's just the way it is and I've got to deal with it. And the way I'm going to deal with it is to potentially carry out, um, a certain idea that I've got, because I do not believe the suffering of this life, of this shit life that I've got, I don't believe it's worth it. If things aren't going to ever improve, it's not worth it. And I eventually was talked down from that spot a little bit.
Speaker 1:But even when I left that session, it was a pretty strong way of thinking that I had and our plan was that if I was to get any worse, any worse whatsoever, and the expectation was that maybe I would, that afternoon that I would go to the martyr. That was the idea, if these thoughts come back, and they were just as strong or if not a little bit stronger, and I was really buried under the weight of what these words meant and what I was suggesting to myself, which I was. I was completely buried, um and cause I'm so burnt out. You know, I didn't have the energy, um, without being on Vyvanse or Dexamphetamine, I haven't heaps of caffeine, I didn't have the energy to be able to push back Um. So the plan was I was gonna. I thought I said to her, I said I'll probably go to the martyr. This isn't going to be better today. I don't think I think I need to go up there and and you know who knows what happens. But in the end I got home. She was going to ring me at five o'clock this was about three o'clock in the afternoon. She was going to ring me to see how I was going, essentially to see if I'd gone to the martyr and to get me there. That was our plan.
Speaker 1:But I did send a sneak email because my social capacity is zero and I just could not bring myself. No way I was going to be answering this phone call. No way. I didn't care who was ringing me. There was no way I had the capacity to make that phone call and answer and come up with some sort of legible, sort of vocab or anything make sense in my thoughts. I was way too fried, way too cooked, I had no energy.
Speaker 1:So I sent an email, which I love doing I love sending emails because that's actually a lot easier for my social anxiety and I said look, I'm super tired, I need to sleep. And I was completely wrecked. I said I'm going to sleep. I think that's the best thing for me to do right now is to have a sleep, have a good night's sleep, and wake up tomorrow and try and get to work, which was a 5am start, which has been brutal again, carrying this sort of load around with 5am starts, my goodness. Anyway, I'll give myself credit, I'm a tough bastard, I'm one tough bugger. But I said to her my plan is to sleep, try and get to work tomorrow and then hopefully I can sort of work my way out of it, you know, spend some time with my work colleagues and just sort of really focus on work and maybe just straighten things out a little bit, which is pretty much what happened, although it's been hard, you know, constantly the last two, three days since that appointment. You know, it's been pretty constant and, like I said, the fact that there was a method and a plan and I could see it and I can see it and I can see how it would go, you know, like that's pretty bad. And the other thing too, which shows the severity of this situation is I, even after the fire and fury episode, when I got home I sort of calmed down a bit, but again the depression was just as strong, it was just manifesting itself in a different way.
Speaker 1:With the help of chat GPT, I actually wrote a bit of my own eulogy, which I don't know, is that the saddest thing ever or what? So I wrote parts of my own eulogy because, you know, you hear at funerals all the time and on the TV when celebrities die and stuff, and you hear this all the time in the community, you know, if only so-and-so knew how much we cared for him and how much everyone cared for him or her, you know, and how much you know we're all backing him. And I wish I could have said this. If I had my chance over, I would have said this. I could have said this If I had my chance over, I would have said this.
Speaker 1:So, you know, the last couple of days I've been in a way convincing myself that, uh, I don't know, ending it all is the way to go about things. That's the argument that's been I've been wrestling with in my mind. That started to sort of, you know, sound like the right idea. So I thought to myself that's really sad, obviously, and there's been a lot of sadness, no tears but I've been, you know, pretty blue about this stuff because, you know, feeling like I've let down my inner child and how my inner child deserved better and how me I'm a good person. I have tried to help other people. I deserve better. Why can't I love somebody and have children and blah, all that sort of stuff? So I felt pretty sad for myself, like more objectively, and so I come up with this idea, with the help of Chat Cheaper Tea, to write my own eulogy. And so I did.
Speaker 1:I wrote sort of the introduction and I wrote some bullet points of what I would say in the rest of it, and I'll probably read it out eventually when I can sort of, you know, face up to it, because it's all a bit raw at the moment, but it was pretty sad, but it was lovely as well, it's like, yeah, this, this Elliot guy, man, how tough was he to put up with that for so long and just keep on trucking. You know, you know Elliot had so much potential, you know, and, and there's a lot of, if only he got the help that he needed, you know. But so many people seem to love him and you know, and, and there's a lot of, if only he got the help that he needed, you know, but so many people seem to love him and you know he's done, he did so many great things and have has, I don't know, I guess, touched so many people in wonderful ways, I guess, and you know, he's such a passionate newcastle night supporter but had all this passion, this drive, you know, like there's no one been like him ever before and never will be. You know, and this was stuff I was writing about, how great this Elliot was. I was like whoa, you know, this is pretty heavy. You know, this is the stuff that I would love to hear and I'm doing it to myself. You know, and this is. It was a really, you know, special moment me with me. You know, and it reinforced like come on, elliot, there's got to be a really, you know, special moment me with me, you know, and it reinforced, like, come on, it's got to be a way. It's got to be a way that we can not go through with this plan and come out the other side because, you know, like this Elliot that I'm writing about, he's a pretty good bloke, he's done some great things and I'll tell you if he can just get through. There's a lot of great things coming, anyway. So that was very emotional.
Speaker 1:So I also said that to my psychologist as well and she was like you know, that's again, that's a big sign. You know, it's very typical of you, elliot, in the way you think. You know, you think so deeply about these things, you're so emotional. But also, so you know, there's there's this, this other sort of level of fixation that is a bit more, um, I guess, objective, and you know I'm able to sort of do things objectively for the self. I've always been pretty good at that and I guess writing my own eulogy is another example of that. Um. So, yeah, so I left that appointment, I was flat, I was dead, and I just went back back home and I just went to sleep. I went to sleep, wrote this email and then went to sleep.
Speaker 1:And then, yeah, the last two days since that appointment, you know I've been thinking a lot of stuff, but you know I've been, I've been trying to. It's been sunny weather which has helped, you know I've been focusing on my work, even though it's you know, I don't gain much satisfaction from it. But I've been trying. I've been trying to be as helpful and nice to customers as I can be and, I don't know, put a smile on my dial and try and fake it till I make it. But let me tell you it has been tough. These last two days have been really tough because that really deep, depressing, final way of thinking, it's constantly swirling. It's there Even if I'm not looking at it directly because I'm focusing on something at work. It is swirling and there's so much of my subconscious devoted to this should we or should we not, sort of thing? And it's really. It's getting hard, guys. It's getting really hard. But the good news is today, today, something good happened and that little flicker of hope is burning that little bit brighter. So let me tell you I needed this, I needed a win, god, I needed a win Now.
Speaker 1:I didn't think it was going to come, but the mental health community team, the Newcastle mental health team at James Fletcher where IJMU is. That's where all these sorts of psychiatrists and stuff are as well. I got a phone call from one of the mental health workers there. They actually tried to call me the last two days but I haven't been able to answer because, again, my social capacity is just on zero and I know it's an important phone call but I've just have not had the oomph to do it because I've also haven't had Vyvanse or dexamphetamine. I got that script today, so that allowed me to be able to have the social capacity to answer this phone call or make the phone call in the end.
Speaker 1:Um, cause I kept ringing during work, um, which is hard, um. But I rang him after work today, 1.30. I finished, I rang him and I said look, it's Elliot Waters here. You've been trying to ring me. I've been trying to answer, trust me, but now I'm able to talk. What have you got for me?
Speaker 1:And let me tell you, today's conversation was, oh man, it was good, it was great, it was one of the best I've ever had. It was, you know, I've got this hope is you know, don't get me wrong like where I'm still, you know battling. You know I'm about to go to sleep now. I'm about to go to bed and when I put my head on the pillow I'm going to be thinking that toing and froing, should we, should we not thing that's going to be there?
Speaker 1:But there's a lot more evidence just from today that suggests maybe we should hold on a bit longer and see how things develop, because this phone call today was very, very promising and I'm going to tell you all about it in the next episode. Very promising. This could be a turning point. Even if it's not, this is still a win, even if it's a small win and it doesn't grow from here, although I think it's going to. I not, this is still a win, even if it's a small win, um, and it doesn't grow from here, although I think it's going to. I think this is a good one, um, but I needed this so bad. I'm so glad I got it and I can't wait to tell you all about it in the next episode, because it does deserve its own episode, because this could be I'm telling you, this could be the moment, and I want to make it clear how important this was today and how it's turned my you know way of thinking, not upside down.
Speaker 1:Like I said, I'm still thinking those dark thoughts, they're swirling, but all of a sudden I've got that extra oomph, that pushback, and there's a slight spring in my step because there's a bit of hope. Maybe, just maybe, there's a bit more of this story to be written and let me tell you I'm going to tell you every detail here on the Dysregulated podcast. All right, that's enough from me. Thank you for listening everybody. I do appreciate it. You have no idea how important you guys are to me, like seriously, when I think about reasons to keep pressing on. You guys are a huge part in this podcast as well as a huge part of me pushing back against some of those negative thoughts and I cannot thank you enough for your support If you're going through some difficult times yourself.
Speaker 1:Unfortunately, what I'm finding and have found over the course of this podcast and doing my presentations for Black Dog and going around the state and presenting around the country and stuff, a lot of people seem to think similar to me, maybe not the same. My fixations get pretty defined and it's pretty unique to me, but at the same time, the fundamentals I'm telling you we're all the same and we all think the same things, or at least very similar things, and I know there'll be a few of you listening who'll be thinking while listening to this episode here today and maybe some of the other therapy reflections and some of the other episodes Holy dooly, that's me. I am so thankful, on one hand, that someone else feels like I do, but, man, it's so hard, it's so hard. All I can say is well, not all I can say. There's a lot I can say, but what I want to say now is that, if you are feeling like you're answering that question and it's not the good answer that we want, which is to press on please reach out to me on Instagram or on Facebook. So Instagram at elliotttwaters or on Facebook, search for the Dysregulated Podcast More podcast content coming soon.
Speaker 1:As you know, my social capacity is very, very limited, so if you message me, I may not reply straight away. It may be a day or two. I apologize in advance, but trust me, if you feel like there's no one to turn to, maybe you've found some comfort listening to my voice and listening to my story. By all means, reach out directly and we'll see what's going on. As I said, my social capacity is very stretched, so please don't expect too much from me. But my goodness, I'm in your corner too, 100%. And if you feel like there's no one in your corner, no one that gets it, and then you think, hang on, elliot seems to get it, I'm telling you, reach out to me. All right, I'll reply, I promise. All right.
Speaker 1:Thank you everybody. Thank you for listening. I do appreciate it again. Adhd brain. I don't know if I've done this spill yet. I'm thinking. I don't think I did. Either way, if I repeat it, whatever, it's very important. If you're enjoying the show, feel free to like, subscribe, give the show a great rating and you can share it around with your mates. And you can follow me on Instagram at elliotttwaters, and please search for the show on Facebook, the Dysregulated Podcast. All right, can't wait for the next episode. I promise it's going to be full of sunshine and rainbows. I'm feeling bubbly just thinking about it. All right, thank you guys. Have a good one and I'll see you soon. Goodbye, thank you.