Ep 140: Stop Performing and Start Living with Unapologetic Authenticity

What does it really mean to perform in your life?

In this episode of Real, Brave, & Unstoppable, we explore how performing often shows up in subtle ways—editing yourself, second-guessing your truth, or living by the “shoulds” to feel accepted or safe.

I share a personal dating example that highlights how performing doesn’t always come from insecurity, but from a desire for clarity, self-respect, and choice. From there, we unpack why we perform, the hidden cost of doing so, and how to begin living with unapologetic authenticity.

This episode is an invitation to stop managing how you’re perceived and start making choices that are aligned with who you really are.

 In this episode:

• What performing really is (and what it’s not)
• Why we learn to edit ourselves
• How performing shows up in dating, work, and wellness
• The hidden cost of living this way
• What unapologetic authenticity actually looks like
• Simple steps to stop performing and start living more honestly

=== Resources ===

• Wellness Wake Up: $99 Intro Coaching Session
  A one-hour session to clarify aligned, actionable goals across body, mind, and spirit.
• Free Quiz: What's Your Habit Hangup?

Chapters

• 0:00 Intro and Episode Overview
• 1:00 Understanding Performance Mode
• 2:54 Performance in Dating
• 5:08 Defining Performance and Its Implications
• 8:37 Real-Life Examples of Performance
• 14:44 The Cost of Performing
• 17:20 Embracing Unapologetic Authenticity
• 23:23 Steps to Stop Performing and Be Your True Self
• 33:27 Conclusion and Challenge for the Week

Transcript

0:51

Hello friends, and welcome back to Real Brave and Unstoppable. It's really great to have you here for episode number 140. Today I'm gonna be talking about this idea of performance. How sometimes, when we show up in our lives, we feel this need to sort of edit ourselves or be a certain type of person. Sometimes that's dependent on the context we're in, you know, we are around certain people and we feel like we have to be one way, and maybe we're with other people and we show up in a different way. There are a lot of ways this shows up. And today I wanna talk about that because it really gets in the way of living our own lives, a life that's really authentic and true for us. I really like this idea of noticing when we're performing or in performance mode. You know, when we notice that we're really kind of hooked into the"shoulds" of life. I should be doing this, I should be doing that. I need to edit myself to be more accepted here. So what I wanna talk about today is about that performance state that we can get into sometimes and some ways to really start noticing that and also ways to shift it so that we're able to make choices based on what is really true for us. And, there's a term that I sort of just, it popped into my head over the last week. The idea that I'm gonna be me and I'm not gonna apologize for it. So it's sort of that idea of like authenticity for me, it is one of my values. I always really try to use that as a compass point in, when I'm showing up in something, I ask myself that question. Am I aligned with that? Am I being me? And it's not always easy to to do that. So, you know, sometimes it's a work in progress. But today, we're gonna talk about all of that, all the different ways we perform and how to kind of stop doing that. I wanna start with something really real for my own life, which is dating. And I know that not all of you are gonna be in that place, but you can kind of transfer it to your own examples. But I've been dating someone a little bit recently and I noticed myself kind of getting into that performance place. And it wasn't really in the obvious way though. Not in a way that I felt like I had to be someone different or I was trying to impress him or anything like that. I wasn't trying to be the perfect version of me. It was a lot quieter than that. It was, a moment where I wanted to reach out and ask,"Hey, like, what's going on when communication drops off?" I started maybe reading into things, making these little things mean something that maybe they didn't mean. And, you know, in situations like this, you know, you feel yourself hesitate because early dating has this unspoken pressure to be careful not to say the wrong thing, not to come off as too much or asking too much, being too much. And yes, part of me had the thought, am I gonna ruin it if I say something? But if I'm being honest, there was another part of me that really wasn't afraid. I was just really clear. I wanted the information. I didn't wanna chase, I didn't wanna convince, I just wanted to know what was real so I could decide if I wanted to keep going or move on. And what I've loved about this is there really haven't been any games in it, which is kind of different from what I'm used to experiencing. But this person has been surprisingly real and honest and direct. And it's made it actually feel safer for me to practice not editing myself in a situation like this. To say what I mean, to be straightforward. And it made me realize something. Performing isn't always pretending to be someone you're not. Sometimes it's when you start second guessing yourself. The truth you're about to say, or the truth of what you really want. So today we're gonna talk about what it actually means to perform, why we do it, and how to start coming back to the truth of who you are in dating and relationships, in work, in health and wellness and all the things. So let's start here. What does it mean to perform? Because I think for a lot of people, the word performing can sound really dramatic. Like you're faking your whole personality or you're lying to people. And that's not what I mean here. It can mean that, but when I say performing, I mean you're editing yourself to be accepted. It's when you're not necessarily trying to be fake, you're just trying to be safe. Please hear me when I say this. Performing does not mean there's something wrong with you, and the word does not imply judgment. It usually means you learned what worked. And you've learned how to implement that consistently. It's a habit loop in our brain. You learned what got you approval, what kept the peace, what kept you from being judged or what made you feel chosen or wanted or liked. So performing is really what we call a safety behavior. It's a strategy. It's like your brain and nervous system, they quietly say,'okay, how do we need to show up right now so we don't get hurt?' And here's another thing, performing is rarely loud. It can be really subtle. Performing can look like smiling when you're actually exhausted or staying quiet when you really wanna speak up. It can look like pretending something doesn't bother you when it actually does, or being fine and easy and chill even when you're not. It can even look like being super accomplished and productive because you've learned that being impressive equals being safe. And I think this is where people get tripped up. There's a difference between showing up as your best self and betraying yourself. Like, yes, of course we wanna be kind, we wanna have emotional control, we wanna be intentional. That's healthy. But performing is different. Performing is when you start asking'what version of me is the most acceptable right now?' Instead of asking'what's actually true for me?' And one of the biggest signs you're performing is this, you're thinking more about how you're coming across. Than how you actually feel. It's like you're watching yourself from the outside. Have you ever had that, that sort of sensation of, I know I have in the past, but you're monitoring your tone, your energy, your emotions, your words. You might be thinking about it afterwards. Like, did I say too much? Should I have said that? Am I being annoying? Am I being needy? Am I being too intense? Am I being too much? So raise your hand if you've ever had any of those thoughts. I talk to people all the time who say, I don't know why I can't stop thinking about what if I said the wrong thing? And it really creates a lot of stress and anxiety. But listen, we all do this sometimes. I do it sometimes, and being human means we're going to care what people think at least a little bit. But where performing starts to be a problem is when it becomes your default, when you don't even know you're doing it anymore, and you've been doing it so long that it doesn't feel like you're performing. It just feels like who you are. And that's where it gets really sneaky. Because you can look confident on the outside and still feel disconnected from yourself on the inside, you can look like you have it all together and you still can feel like you don't know yourself anymore. You can be admired and you can still feel lonely. Because people can't really connect to the real you if they're only ever getting the edited version. So I wanna tell a story related to this. Many years ago when we first moved to Maryland, I was in a photography like Facebook group or. At the time, it was really before Facebook, but a group, photography group. And there were a bunch of local photographers that I was gonna host at my house so we could all meet in person. So, you know, I met everyone and it, it was fun. But later on I got to know two of these women a little better, and we went to a photography workshop over like a weekend in Philadelphia and we carpooled and we got to know each other even more. And we got talking and they told me that when they met me, they were like,'Ooh, she's scary'. Like, they were really intimidated by me and I thought, oh my gosh. Like, that's crazy. Like I am the least, like I can't believe anyone would be intimidated by me. But at the time, like I was really, you know, I was sort of in that perfection mode. I was really not comfortable showing vulnerability or, you know, I felt like I always had to have. My shit together, or at least have it look that way. But these people, like, they didn't really get to know the real me when I was like that. So what I've found is, especially after my divorce, I found that the more I'm able to show up as the truest version of myself and be really authentic and not worry about looking stupid or whatever I've made like the most. Real connections I've ever made. So much deeper connections than I have in the past. So I just wanted to share that story'cause it's something that I've experienced firsthand that when I present the edited version of myself, I don't really connect with people as fully. So just to keep this really simple... performing is when you trade your truth for approval. It's when you trade authenticity for safety, and it's when you trade that freedom for control. And this episode is not about creating shame around this, it's about noticing it. Once you can name it and be aware of it, you can change it. So now that we know what performing actually is, let's talk about how it shows up because it shows up everywhere. for a lot of women, this is so normalized that they don't even realize it's happening. So here I'm gonna share some examples of what performing can look like. It can look like saying yes when you wanna say no. It can look like smiling when you feel overwhelmed. Keeping the peace at your own expense, overexplaining your decisions so no one gets mad, being low maintenance because you don't wanna be a burden or too much, acting like you don't care when you actually do, pretending you're fine because you don't want to be, quote unquote a lot or too much. And I wanna call out something specific. Performing isn't always about being liked. Sometimes performing is about avoiding discomfort. So that can be avoiding conflict or rejection, judgment, or even disappointment. Dating, I mentioned that earlier... anyone who's dating knows this. Dating is a big one, in dating, performing can look like. Playing it cool, waiting to text, pretending you're not bothered by something. Acting chill when you really want clarity, hiding what you want because you don't want to scare someone off, or even just making yourself available all the time, even though the other person isn't really doing that equally. At work performing can look like always being the dependable one. Never saying you're overwhelmed, never asking for help, trying to earn worth through productivity. And in friendships, it can look like being the listener, but never sharing your own stuff. Being the strong one, always being the helper, never being the one who has needs. In health and wellness, this one is really sneaky'cause it can look like having to look disciplined, having to look like you have it together, working out even when you're exhausted and need a break, being quote unquote good all week so you can feel worthy, looking thin or put together. So if you're listening and you're like.'Oh my God, I do this.' That does not make you weak. It makes you human, but it also means you're probably ready for a new way. Let's talk about why we perform, because the moment you understand why, you stop shaming yourself, it comes and it, it makes sense from a biological standpoint. We performed because somewhere along the way we learned that being fully ourselves was risky. You might've learned that needs create conflict or emotions are inconvenient. Honesty makes people upset, or being too loud, too honest or too expressive gets you judged. Some of us learn that love is conditional, or worth is earned. A lot of us learn to be easy- easy to love, easy to manage, easy to deal with. And that might have kept you safe at some point, but what worked then might be costing you a lot right now actually. Performing is protective until it becomes your identity. When you perform for a long time, being authentic can feel very unsafe. It's vulnerable, and vulnerable is generally pretty uncomfortable and. It can feel, this all can feel really unsafe and vulnerable even when nothing is actually wrong. Your nervous system is just used to scanning for danger. So if you perform, you're not broken, like you've adapted to something that your brain senses as danger. But like I said before, like you don't have to stay adapted forever. You can change this. Let's talk about the cost of performing because it does have a pretty big cost associated with it. The thing is, performing might get you approval, but it's going to quietly steal your life. It steals your energy. It's exhausting to constantly manage how you're being perceived. I've experienced this. I talk to people all the time who experience this. It is exhausting. It is so much easier to just be ourselves if we can manage our mind around that. It can also steal your peace because your nervous system is always on alert. Similar to the exhaustion thing. You know, your nervous system is always on alert, so it just creates a lot of stress. Am I being okay? Am I showing up correctly here? It can steal your confidence because you stop trusting yourself. So you start trusting the performance instead. So if you're not able to sort of discern how you should be showing up in a certain environment. Like you question that, so much self-doubt. It can also steal your joy because joy requires presence and performance requires control, which doesn't. It means we're not always present. It can also steal your connection. As I mentioned before people can't really connect to the real you if you're always editing who you are, trying to show up how you should quote unquote. And here's the one that nobody talks about enough is you can be admired and still feel really lonely. Admiration is not the same as being known. So I experienced this.. The time, I told you the story about, I had people all the time and these people thought, oh wow, she's, she's got her shit together. She's super intimidating. And on the inside I just felt like I didn't feel that way. I did feel kind of lonely and not connected because people couldn't really figure out who the real me was. So if you've been feeling kind of numb or kind of disconnected or like you're kind of going through the motions, it might not be burnout from doing too much, and it might be, but it might actually also be burnout from not being you. That's one thing I find with people who feel stuck is that a lot of times it's just burnout from not being who they're really meant to be. So one term that I have recently created or come across, or it's really resonated with me, is this idea of unapologetic authenticity. So I wanna talk about that a little bit especially since part of the name of this podcast is real, and, and that's to me unapologetic authenticity. So what does that mean? I love this term so much. I, a few years ago I did a summit, an online summit with a colleague, and we had speakers some of you may have even attended, but we had just a couple days of speakers and we talked about, being unapologetic and showing up as who we really are. It was, there was some great great talks from that summit. But let's be real.... some people hear that phrase and picture someone being loud and blunt and saying whatever they want with no filter, not caring what anyone else thinks. And that's not really what I mean. Unapologetic authenticity doesn't mean being rude. It doesn't mean being harsh. It means being honest. Yeah, just honest about yourself. It means this is what's true for me. This doesn't work for me anymore. I need a minute, or I don't actually want that. Maybe it's, I want something different. Authenticity does not have to be dramatic. Sometimes authenticity is just not abandoning yourself, and I want you to hear this. You don't have to be more impressive, like you really don't. You have to be more honest with yourself. It doesn't matter who you impress if you are not happy with yourself. You are not really living the life you're supposed to live here on Earth. What's the point then? So where do you perform? Probably not everywhere or all the time. It can be contextual. Usually it shows up in certain rooms with certain people or in certain roles. So in order to determine this, you can kind of reflect on it, ask yourself, where do I feel like I have to be quote unquote on. Where do I edit myself the most? Or like, where am I worried about how I'm showing up or what I'm saying the most? Where do I feel the most pressure to be liked or where do I feel like I can't express my needs? That that's not okay. For some of you, it might be work. For some of you, it might be dating. For some of you it's family. And for some of you it might be friendships or something else. Sometimes it can just be with certain people or like certain environments. The goal here is not to judge it, it's just to notice it and observe it. Because once you see the pattern, you can change it. And I always say awareness is half the battle. Let's talk about body awareness. We have awareness of what we're thinking and feeling and emotion wise and stuff. But then there's also this thing called body awareness. That is something that's so important. Your body knows when you're performing. Your mind might rationalize it, but your body will tell the truth. So when you're performing, you might notice a tight chest or shallow breathing, a tense jaw, stomach, knots, feeling on edge. Overthinking what to say. This is a big one. Or even feeling drained after conversations or even overthinking after the fact. What you said, and did I say the right thing? There is so nothing wrong with this, it's just your nervous system saying'This doesn't feel safe to be fully seen right now'. So instead of asking, what should I say, just try pausing and asking what is my body telling me right now? So that means we have to be very present and very mindful to just check in and notice what we notice. What do I notice my thoughts are? What are my emotions? What do I feel physically right now? What does my gut say here? If I were just to show up as the true version of myself, like what would that look like? Okay, so here is the part that everyone wants. How do I stop performing and start being my truest self? This is not an overnight thing, just to be clear, but it can start right now. It takes a lot of practice. It's like anything that feels uncomfortable or unsafe or scary or whatever, it just takes doing it to feel more comfortable with it. So the first step. Is to tell the truth to yourself. Okay? So you can't really change what you won't admit or what you're not aware of. So we're gonna start with simple honesty, like to yourself, like, I don't actually wanna do this, or I'm saying yes outta guilt, or I'm afraid of disappointing them. And, and this is a thing you notice, you know, I notice I'm scared of being judged. I notice I'm trying to control the outcome. So there's no shame in this. There's just observation of this is what our tendency is. So the first step is that it's not doing it differently necessarily, it's just noticing it. Getting that awareness is that information is really important. It's gold. Step two is practicing micro honesty. So you don't need a dramatic makeover of your personality. You just need small moments of truth. So you can try things like, you know, somebody asks you. To come to something... just try, you know what? I can't make it or that actually doesn't work for me. Or even, you know, if somebody asks you something you're in a conversation with someone and you're not really sure what to say or, you wanna say no to something, for example, just a simple, you know what? I need some time to think. Maybe it's, I'm really not feeling up to that today. And this one can feel a little harder, but I actually feel differently, especially in these times, friends. This is a really tough time to be human. There's a lot of stuff going on right now where a lot of people aren't in agreement around things, and it can make it really difficult to have conversations about these things because it does get very emotional. So sometimes a simple, I, you know what, actually I feel differently about that. You don't need to explain yourself, but you can also share your truth. Micro honesty also builds some self trust. So related to what I said about, you don't need to explain yourself, the third step is stop over explaining. This one is big because I think that when we wanna say no to something or when we wanna share how we feel about something and it's received in a way that feels very edgy and uncomfortable, a little unsafe... we tend to overexplain. Explain ourselves, the why behind it. We want other people to understand us. We don't wanna be rejected. So over overexplaining is oftentimes performance. You're trying to make your boundary acceptable to someone. But your boundary doesn't need to be approved. This is why boundaries are hard. Because we want them to be acceptable. We want people to be okay with our boundaries, but oftentimes people are not okay with our boundaries.'cause it makes things inconvenient for them. That's not your problem. And I don't mean to be blunt about that, but like when we have boundaries, it's a boundary. It just is. That's when what we're available for or not. So we don't need approval for our boundary, but what we do need is to get really comfortable when we don't have that approval, it helps us hold the boundary so we can just say, you know what, no thank you, or I'm not available for that. The next step, step four. Is let people have their reactions. They're entitled to that. That's okay. If they interpret what we say in a way that upsets them I. That's okay. It may not be comfortable for us, and we may not like that, but that's their experience. That's how they feel about it. We're allowed to feel how we feel and they're allowed to feel how they feel. And this is really where the freedom is. You know, like I said before, when you stop performing, some people aren't gonna like that. Some people are already attached to the version of you that didn't need things. Some people really benefited from you being easy. Going with the flow, chill. So if someone reacts badly to your honesty, that doesn't automatically mean you're wrong. It might just mean the old version of you was really a lot more convenient for them. Or there was someone I, a client I was talking to was sharing with me that for a long time. She was always the fun one, but she was the fun one because she would drink a lot and be like crazy fun, fun for people. But that wasn't really her. She didn't really feel comfortable not being under the influence of alcohol. So therefore she wasn't really able to show up in a way that was true for her. She just had this, like, this I identity of being the fun one, but it was performing for her. So. You know, it was uncomfortable to not be like the fun one. And it wasn't that she wasn't fun, but she thought she wasn't fun. So, you know, some people also, if you say, well, you know what, I'm just not gonna drink anymore, for example, and all of a sudden, like, sometimes people can be really uncomfortable with that. And so, you know, you might not be the fun one anymore, but if that's not your truth, like why do you wanna be someone who you're not? So yeah, if someone reacts badly to you being in your truth, that's not a reflection on you. You're just trying to be, you, yourself, your true self. It just, like I said, it just might mean that that old version of you was more convenient for them. It was easier for them. The next step, step five, is to choose alignment over approval. So this is your new filter. Will I respect myself tomorrow if I do this today? Will my future self be proud of the choices I made or happy with the choices I made? Is this aligned with who I am and what matters most to me? This is connected to values, what matters to me in life in this moment, what matters to me? This is an example of where approval feels really good in the short term. And we do this as humans. Like we wanna feel good. And so when we get that approval, it's like, yeah, this feels good. So it has a nice short term reward. We don't have to feel uncomfortable. If we really wanna choose what's in alignment long term, sometimes we have to feel really uncomfortable. To be able to walk that path and that in the moment is really a hard thing sometimes to do. This is what we call the choice point That's where we have that fork in the road of like, there's something that we don't really wanna experience or that we're struggling with, and in order to stop struggling with it we cannot do it. You know, not feel the feeling, not do the thing. And that's that short term reward of like, yeah, we feel better. So that's, that takes the edge off, right? But if we look at what's important to me in life, that other road, that, that other, you know, probably the road less traveled as they say, is the uncomfortable one. But at the end of that road or further along that road, Are the things that we really want, and sometimes we have to work a little harder to reach those things. Step six is practice being seen. The truth is some of us don't feel safe being fully seen. Like I said before, we've learned that there's a part of us that isn't really acceptable in some way. So, you know, we might feel safe for being useful or impressive. I know that one has been my thing for a long time is I used to be very much like that was part of my identity. Like if I was impressing other people, that felt really good. But what I learned later is that some of the things I did to impress other people weren't really me. Another one is maybe we feel safer being, you know, how can we be lovable trying to be that person who's lovable? But being fully seen is how you create real connection. And I shared that story earlier, but the photography workshop. It was really through that, that I started to realize that, ooh, I need to work on being more vulnerable so I can really meet good friends and have that deeper, those deeper relationships and connections. So, here's what you can practice: share the real opinion. Say what you wanna say. Ask for clarity if you don't understand something. Letting someone know you're not okay. Being playful without having to edit yourself and also being direct without apologizing for it. The goal is not to become harsh. Remember that.You're not, you're not trying to become harsh and just to someone who doesn't care about other people. The goal is to become real. So here is a reframe I wanna leave you with. Performing is not the problem. We all do it. The problem is that we stay stuck in it. We get afraid to not perform, and then we just keep doing it. So you're performing and you, and this is really important to know your performing self. It helped you survive at one point, you know, she helped you get through. She helped you be accepted. She helped you feel safe. That's really what this is about. But that performing self doesn't have to run your life anymore. You are allowed to make the choice to retire her. She helped you out at some point in your life and she can retire now. You are not losing your edge. You're coming home to the person that you really are, and that's beautiful. So in closing, friends, if you've been performing, I am sure you have in some way because we all do. Like I said before. I want you to hear me. There's nothing wrong with you. There's no judgment in this. You've just adapted to life. You've adapted to the world, but you don't have to keep abandoning yourself to be loved, to be accepted, to show up in this world. You don't have to keep being digestible or being the easy one. Uh, you don't have to keep being impressive to be worthy. Your next chapter, It does not require a better performance, but what it does require, In order to live it to the fullest and experience that purpose and meaning and aliveness that we all want, it does require you being truthful to yourself. It requires being honest with yourself and showing up that way. So here is my challenge for you this week. Just notice one place that you perform. And choose one moment of micro honesty. Remember earlier I talked about micro honesty and that looks like just small moments of truth. Maybe try one time, yeah, I can't make it. Or you know what, that doesn't really work for me. Or, Hey, I hear you, but I really need time to think about that. Or I'm not up for that today, maybe another day. Or actually, you know what? I don't agree with that. Or actually I feel differently about that. Those are little moments of micro honesty. That's it. One moment, one true statement, one truth, and just see what happens. It might feel uncomfortable, it might also feel great. So like, just give it a try. Watch what happens. Alright, my friends, I appreciate you. Thank you for tuning into, this episode of Real, brave and Unstoppable. I appreciate you being part of my podcast community. If this episode hit home for you, please share it. Send it to a friend who needs it, and if you want support, learning how to stop performing and start living. To your truest version of yourself. This is exactly the kind of work I do with women, and that can include practicing being true to yourself in your body, you know, in choosing exercise and movement that feels good to you instead of how you should be doing it, or, you know, eating in a way that feels good to you instead of how you should be doing it. It includes working on your mindset about all of this stuff so that you can get more comfortable being you. And it also includes things like connecting to your true self and, and that deeper sense in that deeper way. So. If any of that sounds interesting to you, please reach out. We can chat about it, and I will see you next time.