121. When “Staying Friends” Costs Your Self-Respect: Trauma Bonds, Avoidant Partners & Letting Go

In this episode
I answer a listener Q from “Maddie,” who’s in post-breakup limbo with an avoidant ex. I unpack blurred boundaries after a breakup, why “staying friends” can quietly erode self-respect, how trauma bonds differ from schema-triggered dynamics, and what it really takes to let go when your abandonment schema is pulling you back. You’ll also get a simple Relationship Review exercise to spot your patterns so you can date with clearer self-trust next time.

What we cover

• The self-respect signal: why “staying friends” sometimes keeps you stuck
• Love-bombing vs. real intimacy (and why early declarations are a red flag)
• Trauma bonding 101: replication, familiarity and unmet needs
• Avoidant–anxious dynamics and why they feel magnetic but unstable
• “Hard work” vs. “healthy work” in relationships - a practical litmus test
• How to let go: grief, no-contact, and naming your modes without self-criticism
• The Relationship Review: a step-by-step way to map your patterns

Try this (listener worksheet prompts)

• “Where did I override red flags because of fear, guilt or hope?”
• “Which parts/modes showed up in me (e.g., Pleaser, Angry Protector, Vulnerable Child)?”
• “How did I actually feel most of the time in that relationship?”
• “What does ‘emotionally available’ need to look like for me, specifically?”

Resources mentioned

• Episode 104: The Good, the Bad and the Bond (trauma bonding explainer)
• Free guide: Dating With Insight: A Tune-In After Every Date (reflective prompts to help you notice how you felt in their presence)
• Free live masterclass: The Psychology of Attraction - why chemistry isn’t random and how schema chemistry pulls you toward the wrong partners
  • Live: Wednesday 10 September, 7:00pm AEST
  • Replay available to all who register

Is Love Wisely for you?
If you’re a self-aware woman with a history of emotionally unavailable or narcissistic partners AND you’re ready to rewrite your Love Template™ the next 12-week Love Wisely group starts late September. Warm, structured and practical.