125. Inside Limerence (Part 1): The psychology of the crush that won’t quit

If you’ve ever been mentally and emotionally stuck on someone—checking for “signs,” fantasising a future, and riding waves of hope and anxiety—you may have experienced limerence. In Part 1, Gemma explains what limerence is (and isn’t), why uncertainty and fantasy make it so sticky, and why the real issue isn’t the person (the “limerent object”) but your unmet emotional needs. You’ll also hear where the concept came from and why it’s often confused with attachment or “true love.”

In this episode, you’ll learn

• A plain-English definition of limerence and how it differs from attraction or love
• The two core fuels: uncertainty and intermittent reward (via fantasies and mixed signals)
• How imagery, rumination, and dopamine loops keep the crush alive
• Why limerence can last months or years—and why it often doesn’t lead to healthy, secure relationships
• The link with schemas and unmet needs (preview for Part 2)
• Gentle first steps to reduce the hijack (without shaming yourself)

Key takeaways

• Limerence is an internal state—more about your needs than about them.
• Fantasy offers temporary relief but reinforces the loop.
• Clarity ends limerence (rejection, genuine mutuality, or transferring the preoccupation)—but self-understanding is what prevents the next loop.

Try this (starter steps)

• Notice and name: “This is limerence, not reality.”
• Pause the imagery: limit cues, put boundaries around fantasising/daydreaming.
• Reality-check: list what you actually know vs what you’re imagining.
• Re-invest in life: micro-wins, movement, sleep, friend time, creative focus.
• Journal prompt: “What core need am I trying to meet through this fantasy (safety, worth, belonging, soothing)? How else can I meet it today?”

Teaser for Part 2
How schemas (abandonment, emotional deprivation, defectiveness, approval-seeking) wire us for limerence—and a step-by-step plan to unwind it, rebuild self-trust, and stop repeating the pattern.

Resources mentioned

• The early research on limerence (originating in the late 20th century)
• Attachment theory (context), schema therapy (deeper lens)