Reclaiming Your Power Through Responsibility

In this episode of Bodhisattva Conversations, I explore a powerful and sometimes uncomfortable idea that there is no-one to blame!

Blame looks outward and backward, focusing on who or what caused our current situation, whereas responsibility always looks inward and forward. 

It asks how we meet our lives now.

Blaming others, whether our parents, partners, colleagues, or past circumstances, can feel justified. 

And of course, our experiences have shaped us... Our childhood, relationships, and life events all influence who we become.

But when we continue to blame, we subtly give our power away. As long as someone else is responsible for how we feel or how our life unfolds, our freedom depends on them changing.

Excuses can also be surprisingly subtle. They often sound like quiet identity statements:

“It’s just how I am.”
“I would, but I’m not ready.”
“When things settle down.”
“They always do this to me.”

These narratives can keep us tied to our wounds and patterns. Ironically, excuses can sometimes feel safer than freedom.

Taking full responsibility does not mean blaming ourselves. It means recognising that we are no longer unconscious or unaware. We have the capacity to observe our reactions, our patterns, and our choices.

One of the key practices is learning to stay with discomfort instead of immediately projecting blame outward. In those moments, we can begin to see what our reactions are protecting and where we are still holding onto old identities.

When we stop blaming, we reclaim the power to live differently.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Welcome to Bodhisattva Conversations. My name is Julia Carly, and this podcast explores the practice of being so that we can live with greater presence, awareness, and freedom and experience the truth of who we are. I recently ran a workshop that was called There Is No One to Blame, and then the subtitle underneath said Taking Full Responsibility, There Are No Excuses. And I thought it would be interesting to share it more widely, the concepts and the opening reflection that I shared with everybody. Because in a way, blame and responsibility can sometimes be confused, because when people are taking responsibility for something, they will often go into, well, I need to change that, that person did this, the circumstances this didn't work because of that. Now, of course, it's not saying that we don't change things or we don't ask people for changes, and all of all of those things are very valid, but actually they're not blame and responsibility aren't the same thing. Blame very much looks outward and basically says that's happened because of that, and it's therefore a kind of backward-looking thing. Whereas responsibility looks inward and goes into the position that we can make a difference by taking responsibility for whatever's going on at any given time and taking responsibility for our feelings, what we what actions we're going to take. And it certainly isn't about self-criticism or thinking we've got it all wrong or carrying any guilt or saying, oh, okay, if it's if there's no one to blame, then it's obviously all my fault. That that, of course, is exactly the same because it means that you're blaming yourself. So it isn't about that, it's actually about reclaiming your power, reclaiming our power. Because you know, blame does give power away, and it can appear in very obvious forms. We will hear people say things like, they made me so angry, or um, that that particular situation it just ruined everything, or this happened in my education, and that meant that I couldn't do, or these teachers were hopeless, and therefore that's spoiled my chances, or my parents caused this through not giving me enough, you know, listening enough, guidance, whatever. So they're very, very obvious forms we can hear, but they can be very, very subtle forms too that we can say, um, you know, basically what we're saying is that our inner state is is determined by something outside the outside yourself, and it's it can be very, very subtle. People can say things, you know, um, this is just the way I am, or I'm not ready for something, I'm not ready to do this yet, or when things settle, or there's all sorts of subtle ways of basically saying, you know, I'm this situation, it means that I'm not ready, or this situation means I'm not um, yeah, I'm not capable, and they're very subtle, and you can hear this again, consciously or unconsciously, people are doing this. Sometimes it is to kind of protect themselves, but ultimately often people aren't aware, and therefore, there's this subtle, this subtle blame going on, and essentially it's it's making other people responsible, and therefore it's it's you know, I'm I'm having a difficult time at the moment, I've got lots on my plate, things are going on, there's too much going on, um, I'm under stress at the moment. Uh, when you know I get through this bit, all of those things, they're very, very subtle, but it's actually basically making someone else responsible for how you feel. And if we're doing that, it's going, you know, I'm as long as someone else is responsible for how I feel, my freedom depends on them changing, and and it's it's such a hidden trap, and it's going on a lot. So it is important perhaps to just start listening to your own language, maybe listening to other people often. You can hear it more clearly in other people, and you can hear people just say, you know, you might give them some ideas, and they'll say, Oh no, I can't possibly do that because, or that would upset that person, or haven't got the time, or you know, my job doesn't let me, or all manner of things. But of course, you know, our childhood and our relationships and our life stake circumstances have shaped us. So I'm not certainly not. I mean, I've spent my whole life working with people, unraveling their patterns and seeing that their childhood and the things that you know, the stories and the relationships and the circumstances and all of those things, they definitely do shape us. So, you know, we've been influenced by you know the family patterns, the social environment we've grown up in, the culture, difficult experiences we've encountered, our past wounds. I'm certainly not saying that those don't happen. As I say, I've I've spent my whole life helping people explore patterns, look at patterns, and see, you know, themes in their lives. But of course, the whole point of that isn't to then go, you know, I'm like this because of my circumstances, I'm like this because of my you know, my parents, all of these things, because again, that's just going back into the blame. It's a it's an investigation to free ourselves because you know, influence, all these influences do not have to be our destiny, because we are the ones living our lives now. That is so important. There needs to be, I mean, as I say, I'm not saying there isn't a place for investigation of the patterns and the wounds and the things, the work that's needed to be done, but there needs to be at some point there is a transition from what happened to me to what I choose to do with what happened, and that is where responsibility fully begins, where we come out of the victim position where you know things have happened to us. Now, as I say, this is just a very short podcast, and that doesn't mean I'm not unaware of how deep some of people some of people's you know situations and wounds and the things that have happened, and I'm certainly not minimizing the journeys, but that's where it's often a very good idea to get some help to uncover the the unresolved hurts, to really investigate and identify the wounds and the patterns and all of the things that have gone on so that we can get to that place of going, okay, all this did happen to me, but then there comes a point of um you know at the transition, what do I choose to do now? What can I do? Because you know, excuses often are, as I said, not dramatic. They might be initially, they might be, well, that's because my parents did this, my I that happened, but then as I said before, I can re-emphasize that it can be that you hear people saying, you know, they always do this to me, or this always happens to me, or um whenever I try to do this, this happens, or it no one supports me, or I'm I'm you know, however hard I try, this happens, or um as I said, you know, it's just how I am. Sometimes people say I would, but you know, I'm not ready yet, or I would, but the circumstances don't allow, or you know, all those similar kinds of when things get less busy, when things are easier. Um, but what they do, those excuses or any excuses, the big ones and the little ones, they may maintain our identity around our wounds, and of course, people are often very, very, very identified with um you know the the wounds, the patterns, the the things that have happened that mean that that have shaped them, but then uh an identity can arise around that, so therefore, it's quite an interesting thing to just start investigating is there any of that going on where you're um caught in those kind of excuses, which means it I it keeps you identified with you know not having the inner power to propel yourself out of a of patterns of not being heard, seen, supported, having the energy to move into the next you know, step of your life. Because sometimes excuses can feel safer than freedom. They can it can feel much safer to stay in this loop of you know, if I had time, if I had money, when I'm ready, um, if this hadn't happened to me as a child, if I had better education, if I'd had more support, all of those things are become kind of often, as I as I said, safer than being free. But if we let them go, something changes because we don't have the story explaining why we can't grow. And sometimes our stories are very, very um beguiling. They keep us, again, as I say, they keep us identified with who we think we are, and as I've said before, this is a very short podcast, so I'm not saying I mean, I think these podcasts can help people take a step or it can resonate with you because you're on the journey of already letting go of excuses and taking full responsibility. But I am aware that the process of doing that can be um, you know, on one level you you can let it go now because when we let our stories go, we let it go now. So it all happens now. But in terms of how we are on this human journey, we sometimes need to take you know some time for the resolving. Because what I've noticed over the years of working with people is really people only resolve when they're ready to resolve because sometimes there is a an attachment to the identity of you know the stories and the wound. However, when we do let go and and let go completely of that story, we don't we don't have the story explaining why we cannot grow. And we move from the victim of our history to really conscious participation in our life. Um, yeah, when we when we take full responsibility, something really profound happens because we come to the place where we can't um be unaware anymore. We can't be unconscious, we've we've seen it, we've looked at it, we've seen enough of our loops, our patterns, our dialogue, and that we're you know, we know we're really capable of observing our patterns. And then when we get to that point, the transition, you know, you're ready to make that transition, you can ask the question: if there's no one to blame, who am I? Who am I now? Because as I said, the identity can be around the stories, around the history, around old patterns and circumstances. Um, but once you become conscious and aware and you let that story go, who are you now? Who are you now? It can be very, very liberating, or it should be. I mean, sometimes it can be, as I said, people can prefer the place where they're familiar with and the freedom because they can feel the fear of not knowing what's next. Whereas ironically, the patterns, even if they're not particularly um growthful, can feel very familiar. But really and truly, who am I now, if there's no one to blame, is liberating because it returns the um power to you, you become again the absolute author of your life and the creator, and you recognize that where you are now is reflecting your current level of awareness, and this isn't a judgment, it's no judgment, no judgment of yourself, no judgment from anyone else, but it just becomes clarity, a clarity. Um, and you can recognize you know, this is why where I what I say often, we recognize how we relate to discomfort and how we relate to fear and how we relate to the responsibility because ultimately often when we feel discomfort, we'll want to project it out, and the same with fear, but to kind of run away from it, and that full responsibility can feel a very, very, you know, very challenging thing to do to stay with the discomfort, to stay looking inward instead of looking outward. But it is recognizing that you know, whatever awareness we have now, you then have the awareness to make shifts and to make change. And really and truly, it is noticing when you're just and in discomfort, it's when you're feeling you know, reactive, and all of the the you know, the feelings of dis defensiveness, or you want to criticize, or you feel resentful, um, you might feel frustrated, all of these feelings that generally people want to turn outwards and and project onto minor things and big things in their lives. But before, you know, one of the main main ways to kind of start to make the shift is that before projecting outward, before going and getting cross, it whether it's just somebody who you know didn't let you out when you're driving the car or someone who pushed in front of you in a queue, or all the kind of minor rough and tumble of life, even the those small things, if you immediately press pause always, notice that discomfort before projecting it outward, you start to empower yourself. So instead of immediately saying that they, you know, this person caused this, you pause, actually press that pause button and ask the question, what is this discomfort revealing in me? What discomfort? What is this discomfort revealing in me? And at the same time, just let it be there because it's more likely to dissipate if you don't start a narrative with it, particularly if you don't project it out. Because this moment of awareness that there is discomfort in you, feeling of frustration, feeling of tension, feeling of resentment, upset, crossness, whatever it is, that when you're feeling it, you stay with it, you don't project it out. Something massive starts to happen, actually, really, really big transformation starts to happen. So responsibility does require honesty. It requires that that commitment to staying with the discomfort, the commitment to looking inward, not outward, to being absolutely honest. And when the blame rises up, so it appears because you you feel irritated, you know, cross, whatever it is, it's very important then to just ask if I project it, if I project it straight out, what am I protecting? What's the arrow that it's pointing to in me? You know, what am I avoiding feeling? And then really ask the question: what would responsibility look like now? If I'm not going to project this out and just chuck it out at that person's irritated me, that situation, and go, well, really, you know, they shouldn't do this, they should do that, they should think before they do this thing, all the things that you know people say. But each time you don't do that, and you press pause and you stay with the discomfort, you don't project it out and you ask, okay, what will responsibility look like now? Here, what am I protecting inside me? What am I avoiding feeling? Each time you do that and you see blame clearly, and you see you're about to do it, you reclaim more power, and little by little you become more and more and more empowered. You you you will discover that it's transformative, it's absolutely transformative, but also it's very, very important to remember that taking responsibility isn't then about blaming ourselves, absolutely not about blaming ourselves. It's about recognizing that our freedom begins the moment that we stop giving our power away. And if there's no one to blame, then the power to change is already in your hands. Thank you for listening to Don't Be Sat for Conversations. I hope you enjoyed this episode, and I look forward to being with you again next time.