Don't wait for the eulogy

In this episode of Pearls of Wisdom, I share a personal experience and it inspired me to remind of the importance of celebrating one another while we are still here.

Last year, I trained as a celebrant after several clients suggested they would like me to conduct their weddings. Around the same time, one of my oldest clients, then aged ninety, said, "Oh, you can do my funeral!”

This year, that conversation came full circle when I found myself conducting her funeral and celebrating her remarkable life.

Why do we so often wait until someone has died to tell them how much they mattered?

In this episode, I explore:

• The importance of appreciating people while they are alive
• How appreciation creates connection and strengthens relationships
• The practice of appreciative inquiry in relationships, teams, and organisations
• Why what we focus on tends to grow
• The connection between appreciating others and appreciating ourselves
• How celebration can become a way of living rather than an occasional event

Through personal stories and reflections, I explore how appreciation transforms both the giver and the receiver.

The greatest gift we can offer another person is to let them know they matter while they are still here to hear it.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

What was the quality? What's the kind of core value of when it's working? Is it friendship? Is it respect? Is it love? And really fan the flames of that and really build that. And that can be the most incredible way to empower and heal problems. Welcome to another episode of Pearls of Wisdom. Today I'm going to be talking about celebration. Celebrating all of us. Celebrating us while we're here. Because last August I trained as a celebrant. Because a couple of my couples who I work with in my work with people had said, Oh, I'd love you to marry us, for you to be the celebrant who marries us. And I was having a conversation with my nephew actually, and he said, Well, why don't you train Auntie Julia? And the next morning I signed up and I had the most amazing week. I absolutely loved the training. And the training was for funeral celebrancy and wedding celebrancy. And it was just such an enriching course, such lovely people I trained with, just an incredibly life-affirming and celebration of all of us experience. The people, the the trainers, the depth we went into to essentially love one another, because that was what what I felt was at the core of the training was a deep love for one another, and that these occasions allow us to celebrate, celebrate ourselves fully. I told Pat that I had trained or was training and did the training as a funeral and the wedding celebrant, and she went, Oh good, oh good, you can do my funeral. And I don't know that either of us realised it would be so soon. I think that she was preparing, she was preparing to leave her body, she was ready, but it was very, yeah, probably more soon than at the time. I certainly didn't realise it would be as soon as it was because this Tuesday just gone, I was a celebrant at the funeral of Pat, and it was such an incredible experience. I was so, so glad that I did the training. I was so glad that I was able to be, you know, honoured and privileged to be the person that led the led the ceremony, planned the ceremony. And in fact, we'd planned it before because she, as it got nearer to May, Pat did know that she was making her way. And so we planned everything. We planned the music, we planned the whole eulogy, we planned the lot, but it was such a celebration, such, such a celebration of a life well-lived, incredible life. All the all the um spirit of Pat was in her story. It was wonderful to feel the love in the room, the appreciation of her, the the gratitude, the wonderful stories afterwards. And I was just thinking when I was watching us all at the at the lovely celebration after the uh the service, we all went back to her home and enjoyed her her art, and her daughter-in-law had made gorgeous food. We were all just being together, and there was such an energy of yeah, appreciation, gratitude. And I thought, why? Why do we wait till people die to celebrate? Now I think of course we do celebrate each other. Of course, we are telling each other we love, we love one another, and we think we're amazing, and we think we're fabulous. We are doing that during our life, but I do feel it's something to go deeper into because also, unfortunately, there's a lot of criticisms and judgments and and disappointments and negatives, and now that doesn't mean I don't think that we need to investigate when there are things to work out within ourselves and in relationship, but they can be worked out from an appreciative inquiry. Because when one of the things when in the systemic psychotherapy training, it's very much about the systems we're in, of course, but also about when there's difficulty in a group of people, whether it's a family group, a group of people at work, a couple, friendships, whatever it might be, wherever there's a something that isn't working, the route to helping the difficulty unravel or not, is to have an appreciative inquiry. So to actually first, rather than just get problem saturated and you know looking at the problem completely, actually say, okay, that there is a time, I'm sure, when this group of people work well together, or this couple works well, or these colleagues that it's working, when is a time, even if it's only a very short space of time, even if it's only a meal out as a family that you can remember that went really well, or where a team of people made a project work, or they went and you know, even had a social time together, but there will be a time where the energy is flowing and in a couple to really excuse me, to really recognize that there will be places in the relating where it's worked, and to actually investigate what you were doing when it was working, what was the other person, what do you perceive the other person or people were doing? What was the quality? What's the kind of core value of when it's working? Is it friendship? Is it respect? Is it love? And really fan the flames of that and really build that. And that can be the most incredible way to empower and heal problems, and then be able to investigate and discover what you want, what the wishes are for that that group of people, what can be the expansion that comes from an appreciation rather than a this isn't working, that isn't working. That doesn't mean we're in denial of the things that need unraveling, but often when we focus on the the you know things that aren't working, what we focus on grows. So we focus on the things that are working, they grow. And the same with another thing that you know we we used to encourage, and I still encourage in in people who are you know couples or people who are doing anything together, projects or living together or as a family or friendships, to have appreciations, to kind of be consciously appreciating the other. So again, not not from a perspective of anything that's got a gender or or trying to do it properly or being kind of sycophantic or any of those things. It's it's coming from a position of genuine appreciation, so genuinely saying, you know, a kind of the actions, thank you for listening, thank you for bringing me a cup of coffee, thank you for that that job you've just done. It's amazing, thank you very much. And um, and obviously, in in intimate relationships or friendships or to to appreciate the looks or the clothes somebody's wearing, the way they've done their hair, genuinely um to say when you see something. I mean, again, don't don't lie because that doesn't it doesn't land. It has to be a genuine thing that you're you've noticed. Um, but actions are you know, thank you for taking me to the station the other day, thank you for lip staying and listening, thank you for taking me out for a meal, just always saying thank you, thank you for the lovely meal you made me, and kind of global appreciations like oh you're such a generous person, or you're so kind, and you're the most wonderful father to our children, or you're the most incredible partner, you know, everything you do is just awesome because those things often to be honest, when we are first meet somebody, there's often much more of that goes on because there is a lovely reflection going on because you know what we what we give out we we receive, so ultimately that can often happen at the start of any kind of relationship, whether it's an intimate one or a friendship or people working together, there can be a lovely excitement, and ultimately what we what we give we receive. So if we are giving in giving appreciations, giving celebration of another person thanking somebody, then the subconscious doesn't actually distinguish between what we give out and what we receive. And therefore, if we give an appreciation of somebody, it actually affects us positively. If we celebrate somebody, the energy just builds and doubles and multiplies, and it's the same with negative. When people are arguing or upset or shouting, they're receiving what they're saying as much as the other person, and unfortunately, that then the energy you know dives down. So it is recognising that to be able as well to really celebrate another and appreciate another, we really need to be appreciating ourselves because then it comes very naturally, it's a flow. Because what can often happen is if we're looking for appreciation outside, we're looking to be recognised. Why doesn't anyone see me? They don't value me, they don't understand me, then often that just maintains that endless cycle of you know that's I'm not being heard, I'm not being seen, and therefore that's where the inner journey, we come back to the inner journey, where we need to investigate any place where we've been hurt from childhood wounding, where we've felt not not been heard, not been seen, not valued, not appreciated, then it's all our responsibility to dive in, recognize where these wounds happened, where we are stuck in a kind of victim place, and to heal that, and to heal that. We're the only people who can heal it, we're the only ones who can go in and appreciate ourselves and see ourselves and recognize ourselves. And when that happens, inevitably what will start to happen is we will find we're getting those appreciations and celebrations reflected in the mirror coming back to us. But it is important to both look out and celebrate and appreciate others, but also dive in. And anywhere where we find there's a block and we we're feeling reactive to somebody we feel we haven't been heard, we feel we haven't been seen, we've not been valued, why doesn't anyone see me or hear me? Or then there will be an arrow to where we first internalise that when you know, whether that was at school or as children, well, we were children at school, whether it was at school or at home, where there was we were somehow, you know, missed at some point, and it can be even one event sometimes. It can be that you know, parents have a few children, they may have three children, and two are needing a lot of attention, and one on that particular day isn't getting the attention, or over a period of time, one child's needing more attention because they're not very well, or something's going on, and then they can internalise they're not important, they can internalise they're not enough, they can internalise they're never seen, and that then because it's internalised in inside, plays out. So, therefore, there's the inner work to appreciate ourselves, recognise ourselves, see ourselves, value ourselves, but also then to really celebrate others and remember yeah, what what we give affects us, what we focus on grows. So, really and truly, I think what I'm really saying is is instead of just feeling we need to be a celebrant at an event, celebrant at a wedding, because it's lovely, lovely things at weddings, lots of lovely things said about people, lots of appreciation, the same at funerals. But why not why not train to be a celebrant of everyday life? Let's celebrate, let's look to what we want to celebrate. Let's celebrate acts of kindness and effort and when we we notice things, you know. Actually, I had a funny thing happen today, just remembered it because again, what we give out or what we're expecting will often um you know what we yeah, we'll experience it, and it's a projection because I was sitting at the Duke of York Square having a coffee, and a lady came along who's a homeless lady, I see her quite often around here, and she came up to us. We were all at there was a few of us at the tables having our coffee and things, and she said um that she was homeless and that could we spare any money? And I started to I knew I had a five pound note, so I thought, because I just decide in the moment, I always decide at that moment if somebody asks me, I'll respond from what feels inside me. Anyway, so I was responding, and I was going to give her five pounds anyway. She didn't see me, and no one else did anything. So she said something which I didn't hear and disappeared. And I I looked up, and there was a couple next to me. I said, Oh, she's gone. And I said, and he said, because he said, um, now what did he say? He said some comment, I can't remember what he said actually, but I said, Oh, what did she say? Because of what he'd said, I was interested. And he said, Oh, are you going to give her some money? She wasn't patient enough, he said, because she said we were all ignorant ignoramuses. So, you know, really, unfortunately, that kind of energy, and I appreciate I don't know her circumstances, I don't know what's happened in her life, but even so, it's it's a demonstration of an expectation because actually she missed my five pound note, and so if we are celebrating each other, we're going to notice those things, and as I say, I'm I certainly don't know her situation, so I have no idea. But ultimately, we need to celebrate the ordinary moments in life too, because um there are no ordinary moments. I remember I loved the author Dan Milman and his one of his books. I went on a course of his in California, which I also loved, and years ago, over over 30 years ago, and it was in California and it was gorgeous. But he wrote a book called No Ordinary Moments, and there are no ordinary moments. If we're present and we're celebrating and we're clearing out anything within us that is blocking us appreciating and celebrating us ourselves, we'll find every moment's an extraordinary moment. Every moment, and it's a lovely book. Um, I can't remember much about it now because I read it over 30 years ago, but it it was um basically called No Ordinary Moments, and there are no ordinary moments, every moment is an extraordinary moment when we celebrate each moment, celebrate our life, celebrate those around us. So thank you, Pat. This is uh podcast dedicated to Pat. What a wonderful soul, what fun we had, lots of stories, lots of fun, and um actually it was funny because on the way to her funeral, and she'd have absolutely loved this because she loved stories and she absolutely loved all my adventures. But on my way to her funeral, and I was dressed, she wanted colour because she's very artistic and wonderful art she made, and so I was wearing a um mint coloured dress and a lovely jacket with butterflies and everything on it, and it was I was on my way and I was making my way to a taxi, and this man who's a kind of fashion-y type colourful man, said, Oh darling, you look divine, you look absolutely divine, spring colours. I said, Oh, thank you very much, and then he said, Oh, please, please let me take some photos, and so I thought Pat would just love this, she would have loved it. So I said, So I said, Yes, of course. So he got me posing, and I was having to gaze up at the station clock and put my hand on my hip and put my other hand out and then walk towards him and and breathe deeply and gaze, not at him, gaze at the the clock. Anyway, I did I did think well that was a celebration, a celebration of my spring colours, and I thought Pat would love that. And I I did feel oh, thank you, Pat. You've inspired me to record this podcast to tell people now, to thank people now, to appreciate people now, to celebrate people now. We don't have to wait till the eulogy comes, we don't have to wait for the eulogy, we can celebrate each other while we're still here.