The Courage to Shine

In this episode of Pearls of Wisdom, I explore one of the greatest gifts that we can offer ourselves and one another - the freedom to be exactly who we are!

So much of our suffering comes from comparison, from believing we should be different, or from expecting others to think, behave, or experience life in the same way that we do.

But what our differences are not obstacles to connection!
They are the very thing that makes connection possible?

In this episode, I explore:

• Why celebrating our uniqueness creates deeper relationships
• How comparison disconnects us from ourselves
• The importance of developing a healthy inner narrative of self-acceptance
• Why waiting for validation from others keeps us searching outside ourselves
• Using personality systems as tools for self-understanding rather than labels or limitations
• The wonderful paradox of knowing yourself deeply while becoming less attached to your identity
• Discovering the awareness beneath the personality

When we stop trying to become someone else, we naturally begin to appreciate both ourselves and the uniqueness of those around us.

Because true connection is not created through sameness.

It is created by honouring our differences while recognising the awareness that unites us all.

Transcript

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And how that leads to us having the complete freedom to be ourselves and giving one another permission to be ourselves. Welcome to another episode of Pearls of Wisdom. Today I'm going to talk about validating difference and how that leads to us having the complete freedom to be ourselves and giving one another permission to be ourselves or be themselves because we weren't meant to be the same and we're not the same. We're all so unique, it's just awesome. And I've always seen, I've seen this time and time again in my work with people, that the biggest gift we give another is to validate their uniqueness. And when I've worked with people who are wanting to know one another better, having difficulties in their relationship, and I practice intentional dialogue with them, so that means essentially holding the space safe between them so that each person properly, properly listens to the other, really stretches to cross the bridge into the world of the other and validate the difference, then incredible connection occurs. And I'm also always reminded of Mariana Williamson's quote about that we're all meant to shine, and that our deepest fear is not that we're inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we're powerful beyond measure. So we are born to shine, and we shine by being ourself, and that is so so vital to remember that it's being our true self and that we don't need to compare to other people because again, I see that so often that people just keep comparing to other people and kind of worrying they're showing up or not showing up in the way that they feel they ought to. They feel that they worry whether they're not good enough or successful enough or clever enough or many enough, lots and lots of things. And of course, it limits and debilitates, and you know, we're not we're not here to try and imitate one another, we're here to shine as ourselves. And I I as I say, I'm privileged to have worked closely with people over many, many, many years, and I see how debilitating comparison is, how much it they say it's the thief of joy, don't they? Because we're all unique, we're all different, and I've always said this that out in nature you don't see animals comparing themselves with one another and flowers comparing, they all shine beautifully in the in the in the gardens and the forests and the you know the the nature natural way. So how do we how do we shine? How do we validate our difference? How do we really you know shine in the world and enjoy our unique expression? And I think it as always it begins with self-acceptance, and it's very vital, that's where the intentional dialogue really works, that we, if we're properly, properly listening to other people and we're validating them and we're accepting them and stretching and moving into their world, really, we need to begin to be able to do that, to really, really be able to accept other people, to really be able to celebrate them and you know want them to shine. We have to self-accept, we have to be in a place of self-love, and we have to be really, really conscious of what we're saying, what our internal dialogue is, what our you know, how we're speaking to ourselves, what what we're speaking about ourselves, because often people tell stories about themselves and they are get very familiar with stories that aren't particularly celebratory, and sometimes that's a way to um protect, but it isn't it isn't actually protecting because it's very debilitating. And you know, the stories we're telling, the internal dialogue, they're all so so so important that we start to be mindful and really come from a position of I am who I am and it's enough, and always coming back to that. You are who you are, it's enough. You there's only one you, there's only one you in the whole world. And if you're not fully expressing you, the world's missing out, and so often, so often, people are waiting for validation from other people. It's and unfortunately, again, I see it in um in with the kind of social media and all of those things, which obviously I see it is a place where people can share and people can connect, and it can be a very lovely expression, but it also has a dark side where people are looking for validation through it, they're looking for validation from you know the likes they get, friends, you know, what friends say about things, what their colleagues, what their employer says, what society's saying, and really, really, it's so important to stop waiting for external validation. It it never quite works if you haven't got an inner sense of self and an inner sense of self-love. It can be lovely, it's obviously fabulous to be celebrated and you know, recognized, and all those things are lovely. But they, unless if if there's a place inside you where you're not recognizing yourself, not accepting yourself, wondering whether you measure up, are you good enough, are you smart enough, all those things, then it goes into a kind of black hole. So, really stop waiting, stop waiting for external validation. Um, it is an inner process. And how how do we get to really know ourselves and love ourselves? Well, I think that um self-awareness is absolutely key and becoming curious about ourselves. And there are many, many areas where we can become curious. We can become curious about ourselves from a you know, astrology gives people ideas about themselves and numerology. There are lots of personality tests, the Myers-Briggs test, the Enneogram, lots of things that can lead us into an understanding of our personality and the way we work, also how our brain works. We've all got different, different brain makeups, and when we understand ourselves more, it's very interesting. And I know my husband, Anarja, and I have completely different brains, and I'm making connections all the time, and I've got an incredible, got a superpower as a memory. I seem to remember things, but you know, I just remember detail, I've got a picture memory. But I know that if we're having a conversation and I suddenly jump in with something that happened yesterday and I mention a thing, unless I give the backstory, he won't know what I'm talking about. And those things are important for us to know our own brain and start to be interested in each other's brains. So becoming curious that can be really helpful in communication, it can be helpful in in enjoying ourselves, enjoying life, and enjoying one another. However, all these things are just maps, they're not actually who we are. So I do think it's useful knowing ourselves better, knowing the way our brain makeup, our astrological makeup, our numerology, whatever interests you, it's it's helpful and it helps us understand ourselves. I'm always saying again to my clients, why should other people understand us if we don't understand ourselves? So, first, if we're understanding ourselves, then we can we get much, much clearer, we get much more at ease within ourselves, then we're going to be in a position to be interested and curious about understanding other people. So, first and foremost, these these areas, all sorts of areas where we can find out about ourselves through therapy, through reading, through um, yeah, many, many ways, but they are only to help us understand ourselves and to help us manage ourselves. Because if we know ourselves and we know what we're likely to do, and we know our patterns and we know the ways we we like to do things, they help us manage ourselves in life. But we should never never use them as a wall to separate us because we don't want to get so identified with things that we think that we're different, and therefore that separates us, or make it an excuse to stop growing. Because if we find out we're a certain, you know, we might have a diagnosis, we might have something for the way we are, that can be really, really helpful for us to understand ourselves, but we don't want it to be a way for us to then stop growing and help know how to manage ourselves, how to be in the world, how to orientate ourselves, how to how to know that we how we need to do something perhaps differently to the way it's other people do them. So we don't want it to, as anything, as an excuse to stop growing, because that's you know, that's the wonderful opportunity we have on this human journey. So this sounds like a contradiction, but really we have to let go of who we think we are, and ironically or contradictorily, the better we know our personality, then we don't get trapped by it. So that's why I'm totally for um investigation on you know all manner of areas of our life, because I think it's fabulous and fascinating to know our know our the ways that we organize ourselves in the world, what things suit us, you know, what works for us, how our brain works, how our whole being is. But that the better we know our personality, we don't get trapped by it. So does that make sense? Because you see, beneath every label and every every personality type and every role and every yeah, every everything, every astrological kind of um chart play out of our life, every numerology um map between beneath every one of those labels is awareness and the witnesser, the true I. So it is the I below the identity. And the thing is, when we get attached to um our identities, then we lose ourselves really. But if we free ourselves from that and know that we don't need to get trapped by these labels, and they are just things that are useful, they're just arrows pointing us to how to manage and understand ourselves, then when we're not attached to these identities, then we're free to express and play on the field of or the stage of life, because life is a stage, I mean it really is, it's a stage, anyway, only here for a very short time, and we might as well be yeah, really enjoying it. And we play so many roles, we'll play roles of all the professions we might have of teacher, accountant, anything else that you can think of. Um, we play the role of being a parent, a partner, a you know, a friend, a leader, uh an employer, a student with so many roles. And of course, if we know we're playing, if we know we're playing these roles, then we can play them wholeheartedly, but actually know we're playing and know the the eye below the identity. Because when we stop when we stop needing other people to validate us, when we s when we stop needing people to like us, when we when we're more willing to just be ourselves, then we become curious about other people. So we're curious about people rather than judging them. And then we celebrate people rather than comparing, and we find that you know this this connection happens, and the same when we're curious, curious about ourselves and don't judge ourselves, when we celebrate ourselves and don't compare ourselves, then this leads to connection deep to ourselves, but also then we're not competing with other people, we're not comparing with other people, we're not judging other people. And it's the yeah, it's the same. I've I've often used the ocean analogy that you know, consciousness, if we're all part of consciousness experiencing itself, expressing itself, then if we see the ocean as consciousness, and we are we're waves, uh individual uh points of consciousness, but we're all waves on the sea of consciousness. And uh when we see waves on the ocean, they're not trying to be like other waves, and that's the same as us if we stop, if we recognise that we all belong to the same consciousness, the same ocean. And I think that when we uh you know feel that we're different, that's really about personality, whereas connection is more about presence, more about awareness, more about stillness. And it is really when we give ourselves permission to shine brightly. When we give ourselves permission to, you know, be true to ourselves, to when we've worked out you know, our personality, we worked out how to manage ourselves, how to understand ourselves, how to navigate. But we're not trapped by that when we we know who we truly are. Below all of that, we've managed to let go of the of the identity or the you know attachment to the identities. Then we're free to be ourselves and finish again with Marianna Williamson's quote that as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people the permission to do the same.