Communication: Learning to Speak Each Other's Language

We are constantly told that good relationships depend on communication.

But the problem is that most of us have never really been taught how to communicate!

In this episode of Pearls of Wisdom, I explore why two people can be talking constantly and still feel completely unheard, misunderstood or disconnected.

We all have different ways of processing and communicating our experience. 

Some of us naturally communicate through facts, concepts and concise information, while others communicate through emotion, story, context and relationship.

Neither is right. Neither is wrong.

The difficulty arises when we assume that our way of communicating is the right way, and become frustrated, dismissive or defensive when someone communicates differently.

I explore the importance of the inner work that comes before communication - becoming aware of our attachment to our own opinions, learning to pause when we react, and becoming genuinely curious about another person's map of reality.

Drawing on my work with individuals and relationships, I also explore the idea of the "connected knower" and "separate knower", and how expanding our ability to move between heart and mind can help us communicate more effectively.

I also explore intentional dialogue: listening to understand rather than preparing our response, reflecting back what we've heard, validating another person's experience without necessarily agreeing with it, and becoming willing to step into their world.

Because communication isn't ultimately about getting somebody to see things our way.

Communication is about meeting.

And when two people stop trying to be right and become genuinely interested in understanding one another, communication becomes connection.

Transcript

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It is about us learning to speak each other's language. Welcome to another episode of Pearls of Wisdom. Today I am going to explore communication. Because people are constantly told to communicate. It's because it is about us learning to speak each other's language, or he just needs to communicate, or she needs to communicate. But people are rarely taught how to communicate. Because it isn't actually just about you know making ourselves understood, which is often what it's what it's perceived to be. It's like, oh, they just don't understand me. I want them to understand me. I wish they understood me. No one understands me. But really, if we start from the position of really, really, really being willing to understand, because it is about us learning to speak each other's language, and that's the key. Because often I'm in my work with people, um, they've said a situation, and but this person, you know, won't do this, won't do that, won't understand me, won't listen, all these things, and I'll say, yes, but what you're asking of this person is almost like asking me to understand German or asking me to play a grade eight piano piece because they don't know how. It isn't necessarily that people aren't willing, but it's actually that people don't know how. So it's about learning to speak another person's language, and you know what does that actually mean? Because two people can be communicating all the time, they're constantly, you know, talking, constantly thinking they're saying what they they mean, saying what they need to have done, saying all those different things, but actually they're not connecting at all because really and truly it is about meeting two worlds. It's the same as when people to get together in a relationship, they're bringing two different worlds together, they're bringing, you know, lots of different history, all the map of reality, as I always say, um, it's you know, our paradigm is our map, our map of how we've made up our beliefs, how we've all our history, our personal history, all of the conditioning we've had from from birth, of from our family conditioning, our cultural conditioning, our spiritual, religious, um, where we're born, everything, everything. It's in a it's our experiences, our beliefs, um, our emotional landscape, basically, a way of how we process information. So, really and truly, again, when people are communicating, it isn't just an exchange of words. They're bringing together two completely different maps of reality into a conversation, and people don't often realize that. This is why I always think inner work's a good idea, just even to investigate our map, investigate why we think the way we do, where did we get that belief? Where did we first think that thought? Why do we think that thought? And get curious about it. We don't even have to, you know, be in a in going into therapy, but just getting curious about your own map because a lot of people don't investigate it, but then they will think that their map's the truth. And if they think their map's the truth, of course they're not going to be really listening. What they're going to be doing is waiting for their turn to talk, um, waiting for their turn to say their their view, um, and often just really waiting to explain why they're right. And I think people are often just saying, right, I'm waiting, I'm waiting for my turn, not always waiting, sometimes people interrupt, but they're waiting to get you to see the world exactly as they see it, or you're waiting your turn to get the other person to see the world exactly as you see it, because if you believe your way of seeing the world is the truth, then there isn't the room for listening to another person's experience of the world. So you're not really communicating with somebody, you're communicating at them, and it's really, really important to press pause and investigate whether that's going on, because this is where the inner work, as I would call it, or the deeper work comes in. Because before we can really, really communicate with another, we really do need to become aware of ourselves and know ourselves more deeply and be prepared to investigate ourselves and be curious about you know what are we really really attached to our opinion? And can we hear something different? So can we hear can someone disagree with us and without immediately feeling we need to defend ourselves, because if we are go immediately to defense, then we can't listen because we're we're we're feeling that our opinion is kind of who we are, or we're feeling it is who we are, because if we're really attached to that, then if somebody sees something completely differently, we can't really listen. Whereas the more you know you're aware, you're aware where your beliefs are from, where your opinions are, and you know you're not your opinion, they may be very important to you, they may be something that you've thought out and really investigated, and it's something that for you is true. But when you know yourself more deeply and recognize that that's your way of seeing the world, and you're less attached to it being right and it being the way the world is, then you're more available to understanding to another. And if you are triggered, I've always said this, but if somebody says something and you react, then you can't possibly be really communicating because you're reacting, and therefore you're not in the present moment. Because when you react, you're reacting to something in the past, and so you may well have even heard something different, entirely different. Somebody may say something if you've if you have a reaction, you feel um angry, really strongly vehemently against it, any of those things, then you're not present with this person. What's happening is you're reacting to someone in the past, whether that's a parent or a friend or somebody. So, as you know, if you react, press pause, press pause, and know that if you speak out of that reaction, you you can't possibly be um properly listening to the person. Also, they're not going to listen to you because generally people start to close down if somebody acts out of a reactive place. So breathe deeply, come back to presence, and then see if you can listen, see if you can just keep the space between you and the other safe enough enough to really listen. Because, of course, there are different communication styles too, which is where things can often go quite awry, because you get people who are much more keen on delivering facts, concepts, concise information, and they often you know like to get to the point and they like to use fewer words, and they want some clarity and they want to focus on it the thing being said succinctly, clearly, focus on solutions, and they separate emotion from an issue, and they'd really prefer to get succinct points, bullet points really, rather than a long story. And then there are people who who like stories, they tell stories, that's how they communicate, they use many, many more words, they like to explore feelings and they want to understand the landscape. Both they'll want to understand the landscape of the other person, they like to get into that story themselves, or they like to paint a picture with their words, and they like emotional connection with another before moving forwards to a solution, and they experience communication as part of the relationship itself, and that is you know, I I've worked with people for so many words and uh words, so many years, well, so many words too, so many years, and that kind of um pattern comes up repeatedly and comes up repeatedly in when there's difficulty in relationship because each person is not necessarily feeling um connected to the other and not really feeling heard, and and of course, neither is right or wrong, and that's the that's the thing to really really understand. Nothing is right or wrong, or neither is right or wrong, and they're just different ways of processing and different ways of expressing experience. And um, I I love the work of Harville Hendricks and Helen La Kelly Hunt, and they've written a lot of books, they've written um Getting the Love You Want, Receiving Love, Um, Giving the Love. Giving the Love. I can't remember the name of the title. But anyway, they're all about relationship and they're great, their work is wonderful, and they talk about a separate knower and a connected knower. And they're different, these are different ways of knowing and relating. And some people, and I've kind of described it in the previous bit I was chatting about, but some people naturally move towards more separation in the way they like to communicate clarity, facts, analysis, you know, distinction, independence. It's all much more um much more succinct, and other others move naturally more towards connection. So they like emotion, they like a story, interdependence, relationship, there's lots of context to what they're talking about, and it doesn't matter which your preference is. The problem always is believing that your preference is the only way to communicate, and if the other person isn't communicating like that, that they're somehow wrong, they're somehow not uh getting you, or they're not properly communicating, or you know, something like that. So it's it's the problem's the translation of it, of how you translate it, because if somebody just says, you know, can you just tell me what the problem is? And that's somebody who would be more the separate knower, and if they're talking with a more connected knower, the other one might be kind of feeling, but you I don't understand how I'm feeling, and that often is what I witness goes on in in relationships where things are, you know, people are finding difficulty with communication, and neither person means harm ever, but they are speaking different languages because the person who said, Can you just tell me what the problem is? Is probably just saying, you know, I need to have the information to understand, and the other person saying, But I want you to come into my world so I feel understood first, and that's that's a very that can cause a lot of you know feeling of um separation, and so it can be really useful to learn to speak all languages, really, all communication languages. So you probably might know whether you're more a brain-based kind of factual um person who likes to have the the more facts, you know, bullet points, all of that, and so therefore, it can be useful to practice moving into the kind of heart-based feeling place and ask questions like what might this person be feeling? You know, what does this mean to them? And can I stay with the emotional landscape before jumping to the solution? And if you are more naturally heart-based, can you organize what you're feeling and and kind of distill it a bit so that you can communicate, you know, the essence of it more succinctly, more clearly. Because if someone's asking for the facts, they're not necessarily rejecting your feelings, and that's the key thing, that they're not emotionally connected to you, actually, they're wanting to know. So it's it's viewing it all as expansion of the way you more naturally prefer to be rather than an abandonment of yourself, because that's what can happen is you can feel, I would just want that person to understand me or communicate like me. But we're not ever asking you someone else to not be, you know, to be somebody else, it's just asking for flexibility because you know, we're incredible, we can learn and open and use language in different ways, and you know, if you are more emotionally based, it can be quite useful to allow that feeling to kind of come up through your body and bring it into your brain, into your head, and see if you can help it become a thought and name it and make it you know, clarify what it is, structure it, so that you can then communicate it to somebody who's more that way, but it's still your feeling, but you've just got it more into a thought-based kind of energy, and the same the other way that if you're more of a thought-based person and you like the facts, kind of bring it into the feeling place, bring it into your heart. Ask yourself, what am I feeling? And you know, what does this mean to me? And what is happening under the facts? And it's it isn't to be changed from being more connected nowhere to a separate noah or the other way around. It isn't to choose kind of the way of being, it's basically to bring them together so that you can know who you are. That's why, again, the inner work's useful to know who you are, so that you can have different communication styles and speak, you know, get into the the world of another, genuinely get into the world of another, which is where intentional dialogue comes in, which I've spoken about in a podcast before. And this was also um designed by um Harville Hendricks and Helen Hunt, and it's essentially really to just make sure that we can listen properly, but get into the world of the other person, so that when somebody's speaking, you're not preparing an answer and you're not waiting for your turn, you're properly, properly listening, and you're listening and reflecting back their words, but their words as they say them, so that because the loot use of what the the words we use is very key too. When we hear hear our own words used, then it's not being interpreted by someone else, it makes a lot of difference. So you reflect back their words and say, What I've heard you say is, and and have I understood that? Is that is that what you were saying, so that you aren't interpreting it or projecting your own your own um filter or going through your filter and projecting, and and then you validate it, so you really, really cross the bridge into the world of the other person and saying, you know, given what you've told me, I understand why you would feel that way. Um because that makes sense to me, and then you're in a position to offer your perspective if if they if they want you to. Sometimes it um it's just that somebody wants to be heard, and you know, we we can understand somebody's world without having to see the world exactly as they do, so we can get into their experience, but we don't have to see the world that way, but it's it is just a validation, it's not necessarily saying, Yes, I agree with you, that's exactly it. It's going, Oh, I get that, I get why you'd think that. Given this has happened to you, I really understand that, and that really is communication in the present moment, it's um mature communication, really, because we're not coming from the wounded child, we're not coming from our own attachment to our own need for you know to be right, and really and truly often people are. I notice this again when I've worked with people, that they can be reactive to not actually the content of what's being said, but the style of it. And I've often helped people with intentional dialogue, and people hear incredible things because it's being said without the criticism or defensiveness that can go on that spoils the space of being able to relate, and often people are they're being triggered, you know, by the style of somebody's communication rather than actually what they're saying, because they are immediately feeling that they're not understood or that they're getting it wrong, or all sorts of things, and so just remembering that we're not actually always communicating reacting to what somebody says, but how they communicate, and maybe to you their tone feels too um cold, or it feels too emotional, and there's energy. I've often said when I'm working with intentional dialogue, I say just hold the energy, bring the energy back, maybe a little bit less energy there, or you know, maybe some more words there, or less words, because you can see that people are reacting to maybe the tone, or they feel the person's losing too many words and then they can't remember them, and then the other person, because it's not being remembered, feels that the person's not interested. Maybe people interrupt, or they take too long to get to the point, or they don't show enough emotion, or they show too much emotion, and immediately people can jump to, you know, they're not listening to me, they don't understand me, they don't care, and so it is really important to pause and think to yourself, you know, could I be reacting to their communication style rather than their intention? And really and truly, again, if we get to the point where we're using intention and dialogue a lot and recognizing that we're actually speaking with someone who does care about us, does want to know about us, and go from that position, then it can be incredible what what happens because you know the deeper the deeper aspect of communication really is not just to get a point across, it's not to win an argument, and it isn't really even to be understood, it's about meeting someone else, properly meeting them, properly meeting another human being, and completely being able to enter another person's world without abandoning your own, because you can mean you can remain completely yourself and become genuinely interested in another person and enter their world, but that doesn't mean abandonment of yourself, and uh it's a it's a it's a really amazing practice to again first of all come become interested and aware in yourself so that you're in a position to be a position to be willing to look at relationship like this and look at communication like that, um and and you know, as a meeting. And I think really the the greatest communication skill is being interested in other people, being really fascinated, curious, curious about ourselves, first and foremost, it's really intra important, curious about our own patterns, and and then from that position we get more um connected to ourself, then it becomes easier to be really curious about another person's experiences of the world, and also what we might be reacting to, and that that real willingness to pause, because when you can you can feel when reactivity is coming up in the body, and you kind of go, that's interesting. What could that be about? That what's going on, and really press an inner pause button, not necessarily going to pause the other person, but breathe, listen, come back to presence and meet the other. And it is it is important to know that you know good communication isn't getting someone else to see the world as you do, but that's really, really important. It is being willing to see the world through their eyes at the same time as being rooted in your own. Because you know, when two people are trying to be right, uh it it um really goes all goes wrong. Um, whereas when to when if people stop trying to be right and they become interested, properly interested in understanding, then uh communication really does become connection because it is it's it communication's not just about talking, it is about meeting, and it's and it's wonderful. And really, we have to be willing though to communicate deeply. We have to be willing to really leave the safety of our own map, our own map of the world, and them and leave our own reality and be really, really willing to visit someone else's.