54. I'm Every Woman

Friend, when was the last time you allowed your superhero cape to provide shelter for YOU? Yes, you are the superhero, but when was the last time you took the time to care for and save YOU?

" When we allow that fortified wall to be weak, then any and everything can have access to us, our spirits, our souls and our minds. Then our bodies are left uncovered and unprotected."

Join Dr. Patrice Jackson as she tells us why we cannot be every woman to every body and how doing so hurts us in the process.  

To connect with Dr. PBJ, go to www.aspoonfulofpbj.com

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Follow Dr. PBJ on IG @drpatricebucknerjackson for #aspoonfulofpbj every Monday.

Transcript

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Hey, friends. I'm Dr. Patrice Buckner Jackson. But you can call me PBJ. Welcome to another episode of Heart Work Academy with PBJ where we are disrupting cycles of burnout and compassion fatigue for people who give their everything to serve every body. Friends before we get into this episode, I need you to know that it is time to consider if you're going to join the Heart Work Academy in this next cohort. I know you've been waiting, and we are so excited to serve you. Now's the time to get your name on the waitlist. Now is the time to register. Registration opens in April. So you need to make sure that you are signed up. Go to www.heartworkacademy.com. Again, www.heartworkacademy.com So that you can get on the waitlist. Get registered. Get signed up. We cannot wait to serve this next cohort. We're going to disrupt the cycles of compassion fatigue, so that we can serve from the heart without giving up everything. Alright, friends, I'm excited about this episode. So let's get into it. Alright, so as you know, for the last couple of weeks, we've been talking about perspectives that lead us to compassion, fatigue. And as I was thinking through this topic this week, the song from my girl, the one and only the incomparable Whitney Houston came to my mind. Y'all know the song, I'm every woman. Yes, sorry. I had to sing it. I can't just say it. I have to sing it, right? Whitney said that I'm every woman. It's all in me. Anything that you want them baby. I do it naturally. Sis, friend, let me tell you. We got limitations. And Whitney had it wrong. I love Whitney, all due respect. But Whitney had it wrong. We are not every woman. We are not anything you want done, We are human. We're human. On Instagram the other day, I saw a post from Sherry Riley and she was talking about the Superwoman cape that we wear and how Yes, we show up in the room and we change the atmosphere and we make change happen. And we are changing the world and doing all our things. But sometimes that superhero cape also needs to be a blanket to shield me. And to hold me close. Sometimes that superhero cape can be a shield for me so that I can go cry. So that I can have a moment, that cape, even though you wear it and you do a doggone good job, you need to recognize that sometimes that cape needs to be your shelter. So friend, one of the perspectives that leads us to burnout is that we can and should do all the things for all the people. And I know you know what I'm talking about. Because if you are a follower of this podcast, that tells me that you are probably one of the people who feel responsible for doing all the things for all the people. And today I've got to disrupt that. And I've got to apply some truth, so that you can start to heal, because you are not all things to all people. And you may have taught some people that and they may believe you, but it's not the truth. You can't maintain it. It's not fair. It's not sustainable, its not human, its not realistic. I've told you all over and over and over about my burnout story. And the day that you know, it all just fell apart. And I just could not do it anymore. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't show up anymore. In that moment, I needed help. I needed to call somebody to come get me. And I was so worried about just opening my door. I was worried about opening the door to the office because I knew somebody would be standing on the other side who needed me and I had nothing more to give. And that came from not enforcing boundaries in my life. So you all know the hard work journey is Check Your Baggage, Build Your Boundaries and Discover Your Brilliance. Friend, and I know we're talking a lot about boundaries these days. And I love that I'm glad that we're talking Self Care boundaries, and all these things. But I don't want us to just talk about boundaries, I want you to have a boundary that sticks, I want you to have a boundary that protects you. I always describe boundaries, like the walls of a fortified city. And the walls of the city was not built to keep everybody out, right, there was always a watchman on the wall. And they could put the draw down to let people in who were supposed to be there. And they close things off. When things when people were not supposed to come in, it was protection. It was protection, and your boundaries, friend, your boundaries are protection for you. They are protection. And when we allow our walls to be down. When we allow that fortified wall to be weak, then any everything can have access to us, and our spirits, and our souls and our minds, and our bodies are left uncovered and unprotected. I was talking to a friend the other day and they said, you know, lack of boundaries is like not having a fence in your front yard. And then you get mad because people are walking through your yard. They're walking the dog through your yard. They are parking their cars in your yard, but you got no boundary. You have no boundaries. So how do they know where the line is? We have to, we have to first know where the line is, before we can communicate it to other people. In many cases, we don't even know where our own minds are. We don't even think we're supposed to have a lot. We think we're supposed to show up. Anytime everybody needs us. And we're supposed to be there for everybody in our lives. We don't even think. You don't even think that you are allowed to have a boundary. So let's start with that. Friend, not only are you allowed, but it is mandatory. It is necessary. It is for survival. You need boundaries. You need boundaries. You need boundaries for strangers, and you need boundaries for people that you know and love. You need boundaries in your life, so that you can be protected in your spirit in your soul in your mind in your body. So you need those boundaries. Here are some signs. Here's some signs that you need boundaries in your life. If you ever have the thought of what are they going to do without me, If I don't show up? What are they going to do without me whoever your "they" is. whoever your they is, if you think if you don't show up? Or if you don't help? Or if you don't rescue? Or if you don't answer the question. They can't figure it out for themselves. Friend you need boundaries. I remember thinking that I can't take a day off. I can't take a vacation. I can't step away because what am I? What am students gonna do? What are they gonna do without me? Friend, when I burned out, my students kept on living. They kept on breathing, they had the nerve to graduate. I mean, they, they got actual degrees, without me being there. Imagine that. Imagine that, that they kept living, and they figured it out. And I'm not saying you're not important to the people in your life? Of course you are. I'm not saying you're not significant to the people that you are called to you absolutely are. But what I am saying is one, you may not be called to everybody you're connected to. Maybe you just didn't know where your know was you're in Oh, you didn't know where your know was your no line was, you're not necessarily called to everybody in your life. That's number one. Number two, for those you are called to, they still need boundaries. Oh my friend, listen, when you serve from the heart, you get deep.You get deep into somebody's situation, into somebody life we serve from a very deep place. And the danger of that when you don't know where the line is, is you step over and take personal responsibility for somebody else's journey. That's not your journey. That's not your trip. That's not your baggage. So we've got to learn how to set up boundaries so that we can serve to the level that we're supposed to serve to, but no further, no further so that we give people the honor of their own journey. We give people the respect of their own journey, their choices, their decisions. And I know it's hard when you love someone, and you feel like they're not making the best decisions, that's tough, especially for nurturers. Might I say controllers like us, just saying, friend, it's just us talking. Don't worry about nobody else heard that. For us, it's really hard for us to let go, and let people make mistakes, or even let them make decisions that we think might be mistakes. But I'm here to tell you that every person has their own journey. And we have to respect that journey. And we have to serve to the level that we're called to serve, and no more, because then you become a stumbling block. Your help, has now turned into hinderance and it is such a faint line. And we can step over into hindrance so quickly without even realizing we have. So if you've ever thought, what are they gonna do without me? That's a sign that you need some boundaries. Here's another sign that you need some boundaries. Who else is going to do it? Nobody else is going to do it. If I don't do it, nobody else will. Friend, nobody? Nobody's gonna do it. If you don't? Whatever it is, maybe they won't do it. Maybe they'll do something else. Or maybe they'll do it, but they just won't do it the way you do it. Whatever the it is. But if you are telling yourself if I don't do it, no body else will. That is a sign that you need some boundaries. You need some boundaries, friend. And here's the truth. Here's the truth. Hey, look, I'm not talking about nobody, I'm just talking about what I'm talking about. The world don't revolve around you. Or me. It doesn't. You are important to all the people and all the things that you do. But the world does not revolve around you. If you don't do it, whatever the it is, maybe you'll make room for somebody else to step up. Sometimes we feel overwhelmed, doing all the things. But because we keep doing all the things, we don't leave room for anybody else to do any of the things. In my household, I'm telling you all, especially when we first got married, I felt like I'm the only one cooking. I'm the only one cleaning. I'm only one taking care of this house. I'm only one. And I was and you know why? Because I did it all. And I made it look good. So they didn't think I needed help. They didn't think I wanted help. My family did not think I wanted them to help me. Because I just jumped up and did it all. All the things. And it wore me out and it made me frustrated. And I was getting more and more angry. And they had no idea. They had no idea until it came boiling out of me one day, and I just couldn't hold it anymore. And my husband and my daughter were looking at me with wide eyes like where the heck did this come from? What is going on? We're in the Twilight Zone. They had no idea. And their answer was, you make it look so good. We didn't know you needed help. We didn't know you wanted help. Watch this. Because anytime they would help, I would critique it or do it over. Come on somebody. I know I'm not the only one. I would critique it or do it over. So that communicated to them that I didn't want help. And what I wanted was for them to do it like I would do it. So I had to decide that what I want above all is peace. What I want above all is rest. So if that means the dishes are not done and put away in the way that I think they should be done or in the way that I would have done it or if the floor is not mopped there, or dusted the way that I think it should be done. Guess what? It got done. And even if it didn't get done, we'll do it another day. I had to prioritize rest and peace and decide that there are some things that are not quite as important as I thought they were and to decide if somebody is willing to help me, instead of telling them how to do it, or critiquing how they did it, I'm just going to say thank you. I'm just going to say thank you, because I want peace. And I want rest. So if you are telling yourself, if I don't do it, nobody else is going to do it. Friend, you need boundaries, you need boundaries. So I'm here to tell you this idea of I'm every woman. It's all in me. I can do all the things I can serve all the people, I can take. No, you can't. No, you can't. You can do the things that you have been called to do. You can do the things that you have been created to do, you can do the things that are in your hands to do. And even some of those things in your hands, you need help. You need help. Just because they're your responsibility doesn't mean you have to be the person actually doing it. You have people all around you who want to help you, all around you who want to help you. All you have to do is say it, what they don't, they don't act like they want to help because you act like you got it all together, you make it look so good. And you do it so well. That you've convinced everybody around you that you don't need help. Friend, everybody needs help. We all need help. And we all need people. So I'm here to tell you, let's let go these unrealistic expectations. Let's lay it down. You don't have to have the cleanest house, the children with the top grades, the best project at work, the most satisfied husband. Whatever your thing is, you don't have to have all the things all the time. Sometimes we just get a couple of the things. And then maybe later, you can get one more of the things. And that is how this works. And that doesn't mean you are less of a woman less of a person, less of a professional, it doesn't mean any of that it means you are human. You are flesh and blood, and you have limitations. So I have a challenge for you friend. And this is something that we'll be working through in the Heart Work Vommunity. I encourage you identify what's most important to you. What are your values? What are the things that you're not willing to lose? Is it your family or clean house? Is it peace? Or being right? Is it rest? Or being acknowledged? What are the things that are most important to you? What are the things in life that you're not willing to lose? Because I'm here to tell you friend, until you identify the things that you're unwilling to lose, you'll never be able to stick to a boundary. So you can write it in your journal. You can do whatever you can put it on the wall, write it in lipstick on the mirror. Itt doesn't matter. If you don't know what your why your boundaries are, what they are, and what your boundaries are built on what your values are, you will never stick to a boundary. So that's it friend. Listen, if you got some unrealistic expectations, that perspective will lead you straight to compassion fatigue and straight to burnout. And it is time to change. Alright, as always, you know, you are powerful. You are significant. You are loved. And you are human. And we celebrate that. You can't be all things to all people. So let's stop teaching them that that's what you can be. Alright friends, I'll see you next time. Bye