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" So those first few months to years, I spent a lot of time being thrown into the ocean of grief. And the waves come and I've never been taught to surf. So I'm surfing the wave of grief and the next thing you know, it knocks me down. I'm trying to grasp and come up for air and catch my breath, but I feel like I'm drowning. I'm suffocating. I'm going down, down, down, down. And luckily, you know, because of Christ, there's like this little floaty that comes along and I'm able to catch it and come back up for air. But as time progresses, I'm learning to surf the wave. That's like anything. You learn to navigate it. I learn to see those waves coming. I'm learning to surf it better. " ~Jonquette Sanders-White
Join Dr. Patrice Buckner Jackson and Jonquette Sanders-White (@jonquettewhite) as they discuss, Navigating the Waves of Life!
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Hey, hey, hey friends,I am Dr. Patrice Buckner Jackson, but you can call me PBJ. Welcome to another episode of Heart Work with PBJ, where we are disrupting cycles of burnout for people who serve from the heart. And when I tell you, I'm excited about our conversation today. I'm so excited. But before I do that, I need to let you know I need to let you know that it is time to get registered for the Heart Work Academy. Friends you already know. You already know what this is about. You already know what we're doing. I need you to go to www.heartworkacademy.com get registered today. Waitlist gets the first opportunity and listen, even as I'm saying this to you, I hope there are seats still open. Okay, because this is recorded earlier, I hope that there are seats still open because there's only 25 so that we can serve well. We're gonna be doing deep work. Alright, so we got to keep it limited. You need to go check it out www.heartworkacademy.com. Go get your seat if this podcast speaks to your heart, and you know that you need to work to disrupt those cycles of burnout and compassion fatigue. Come on in so we can do that together. You don't have to do this work alone. So come join us. Okay,y'all hang in there. Because I have the opportunity to introduce a member of the heart work community to you today. And I cannot wait. I'm so excited,y'all. Let's get into this episode.Friends, listen, listen, listen.This is a first, this is a Heart Work with PBJ. First, we've never had a guest come on twice.So we're making history today.Because Jonquette Sanders White has been a guest on the podcast before she joined our panel of Millennial Leaders a while ago now talking about all the things that she was doing in her life and how she was moving forward as a leader in the millennial generation. But y'all today, she is coming as a member of the Heart Work Community. And not just a member, but a person that helps me push forward this vision and, and this message.And I'm just, I'm excited. I'm excited. Joe, thanks so much for being here with us. Yeah, thank you for having me. I'm super excited.Oh, goodness, I love we're just gonna get into it. I could just talk to you all day, you know that, but the people don't have all day. So we're gonna get into it. The first thing I'm going to ask you to do is just introduce yourself, tell them who you are.For time's sake, I'll say I am Jonquette Sanders White, Jo,Jo-Jo, Jonquette whatever you want to call me, I am first a child of God. I'm second a wife.I'm a mama to three amazing little boys. I'm a sister, a daughter, a friend. I'm me.That's who I am. I have many different hats and titles that I wear from Marketer to consultant, working on a book,so an author. But the titles aren't really important underneath all of that. I'm me.I love that. I love that. And that's exactly why I asked you that question. How often do we label ourselves and keep ourselves in the box of our titles or our work or our business? And we lose who we are, who we are. And all of that is great. We love all of the accomplishments, you have many.You have many accomplishments and we celebrate all of those professional and career accomplishments. But that's just a fraction, just a fraction of who we are. So with all of those hats that you wear on quit all of those roles that you play all of those responsibilities that you have. How do you do it?How do I do it? Okay, now listen, even though I do have lots of accomplishments As people would label me as pretty successful, right? I'm still learning. That is the truth as life changes as I evolve into who God has called me to be. I'm just learning, it's as simple as what's the most pressing priority. At the time. What worked yesterday may not work today. So I'm just learning to,to give myself grace, as each day passes by. And I don't want to sound too deep. But that's the reality of it. You know,there is no formula to how do you balance mom and wife and work and self, right, there is no formula. So it's, it's a learning process. And I think this is probably going to be something that I'm going to learn to the very end. So again,I would say if I could make this little practical, it's the most pressing priority at the moment.And you know, there's something we talk about in the heart, work a community, choose the priority of the moment, and then give you a grace, give yourself grace to do that. Give yourself grace to do that. You know, I remember when I was dean of students at a university and newly married and when I got married, my husband had a preteen. So I became mom and Patrice all at the same time. And I remember trying to care for a student who may have been homeless or food insecure,or had any number of challenges,but at the same time trying to keep in my head, okay, baby girl needs a pink shirt, I got to pick this up for dinner, we need trash bags at the house. And it felt like I was never in the right place to do the thing that I needed to do. Because I was trying to carry all of my things the same time. And I had to learn exactly what you're teaching us today, choose the priority of the moment. So even in this moment, you are still wife, you are still mama, you are still Sister, you are still CEO, you are still all of these things in this very moment, that we're sitting here having this conversation, but you have dedicated and chosen to be here with the heart work community,and to serve here. And it doesn't mean that everything else in your life is not important, because it is, but you give yourself the grace to be present in this moment. And guess what, when this is done,you close this chapter, let it go for whatever it was, and then you go be the next thing that you need to be in that moment.And you don't feel guilty about it. You don't feel guilty about it.Yeah. Not at all. And again, you know, over switching back and forth between these different roles. And, you know, I think it's important how you stated that we do need to learn to close the chapter. And, you know, when we think about chapter, we're thinking, Oh, the current season, but no, it's the assignment again, at in that moment, you have multiple assignments without, you know,throughout the day. And just learning to, to not only just just grace and giving yourself that grace, but to to move smoothly. From from Mama mode to both mode or to wife mode. And most importantly, self mode.That That, to me, is is vital is learning to do that, in a way that doesn't cause too much stress. And, and again, Being Okay, and knowing that I do have multiple titles. So sometimes,you know, maybe mama, but sometimes my babies have to, you know, sit here and say, Okay,let mama work, because this is how Mama's going to care for you. And sometimes my husband,he'll come home and he'll take care of the babies. And he allows me to be a wife. So I'm doing more homemaking, you know,while he's in the mode of daddy.So again, it's a process and something that I'm learning to do.Yeah, you've mentioned self a couple of times and that priority of self. And I'm so excited that we're having more conversations about self care. I think it's long overdue. But I'm convinced that we are still not sure how to do that yet. We're still figuring out what that means and how to make it happen,practically. So what does that caring for yourself that priority that you mentioned?What does that look like for you?Well, for me, it's a first off identifying self. So who has God created me to be? That's one who Yvonne perfect To be when I know my purpose when I know who I am,then I can peel back those layers that life and society,rather be through grief,hardships, disappointments,rejection, shame. And even some of the things that have probably made us feel good, but wasn't good for us, all of these different layers that come from life, we learn to pull those back, because we get back to who we truly are, you know, there's this sense of people say I'm finding out who I am, you do not have to find out who you are,you are who you are already, you are who you are, it may just have been life has had a way to,to mask that. So for me, one way that I do that is I say, okay,when God created me, He created me with a purpose and with a plan. And one thing we know is that when something is created,there's some type of manual or there are principles that that go with that creation. And so one thing that I do is I can consult God and I say, Okay,God, who am I, who have you created me to be, and I open my word, right? There are principles in there things that I must follow in order for me to operate correctly. Right?Meaning that I need to be kind,I need to love my neighbor as myself, I need to take care of my temple, you know, these are just basic principles that if we do not apply, we malfunction.You know, so I'm, I'm learning to get back to the core of who I am through God. And again, that may not be for everybody, not understanding, I respect it. But for me, that is the way I do it,because He is the Creator. And the only way to understand the creation is to go to the Creator. And also, you know, if I was to put put this in some type of practical feasible, you know, I'm very practical. So I like to paint this picture for people, or have simple things that they can actually do today that they can take with them,right. So one way that I've been getting back to self is again,of course, getting my work spending time with God. But figuring out what sparks joy. I had a moment where I woke up about two o'clock 2am In the morning, and I said what makes me happy? What is What do I feel like I need to incorporate in my life to make my life your beautiful? What is and that's what we're looking for, right?You know, we think we're looking for success, right? I want to be we tie who we are into our titles, as we just mentioned before, or to what we call success. But in all reality,none of us truly know what success looks like. Because we get to a place where we taught herself in our identity in to the word success. We all get lost, or written, never satisfied or never fulfilled. So I've learned to take myself out of okay, this is what people paint success because as I said,I'm 27 years old, I built my first home at 26. I built it, I didn't just buy a custom design,oh, this is somebody who's slipping the same bit with their mama up until 12th grade. This is somebody who, from even though I was the most popular girl in school, right, I was still choosing between lights and water. I didn't get my first band until college. And the only reason I went into college is because I plot myself and earn scholarships to pay for it. This is somebody who I'm telling you that people would label as successful. I have five figure months. Easy. Come on, while working from home and taking care of my babies. So it's successful, right? That's what people are striving for anything I want PBJ I can get it. But I've learned that even in this space that I find myself unhappy. Of a lonely at times. I find myself still searching Okay, who am I? And I've learned that the remedy for self isn't success. That's not the remedy.Just listening to you, Joe is filling my heart. Because as you're talking, I'm thinking back through your journey. And the journey that I'm aware of. I mean, we've been walking this out for a long time we we've been connected before the first Heartwork Academy we were connected before the podcast, we were connected before education and all the things that I've been doing, just walking through life together. So I I know your successes, but I also know your valleys and the things that You have had to face and the things that you have had to endure along the way, and how you continue. And that's what I want to ask you. Because I don't want people to see this bright light,like they're gonna see how awesome you are. And they're going to feel the warmth of this bright light and hear about your successes, and they're going to assume people always make assumptions. You know, you have a beautiful family, beautiful babies, y'all these babies.These babies are absolutely gorgeous. And and not just physically, but they're just beautiful human beings and, and your marriage and your home and your business and all the checkboxes, right? But there have been some things, there have been some things that you've traversed through, even in the midst of all of this success. So how do you manage?How do you manage grief? How do you manage the dark times and the low places? Wow, your life is moving forward?Well, one, I think we have to take it for what it is. At the moment we we are we are honest with ourselves, and we come to the realization that this is what I have in my hand, then we can figure out what to do with it. I learned that with something with grief. Just a side note to all of you who are listening. I lost my mama about four years ago, three months before my wedding, she had a dress picked out she had helped me plan the wedding. And she passed away. Three months before my wedding, I had to have my stepdad walk down the aisle with a picture of my mama. Yeah. So a lot of my loan is that I do feel, you know, or, in a sense,the unsatisfactory that I sort of feel that unfulfilled is that void of with my mom, I feel like my mom should have been I believe that she should have been here to help me with my kids, she should have been present for my wedding. You know, all of these things. This is a perfectly healthy 52 year old. That passed away. Right.And so with her passing, I've learned to deal with the grief.By accepting it for what it is,I've learned there's no streamline of what grief should look like grief looks different.In different stages, the best way that I could describe grief would be like a wave. So those first few months, two years, I spent a lot of time being thrown into the ocean of grief. And the waves come and I've never been taught to surf. And so I'm surfing the wave of grief. And next thing you know it, it knocks me down. And I'm trying to grasp my for come up for air and catch my breath. And I feel like I'm drowning, I'm suffocating. I'm going down,down, down, down. And luckily,you know, because of, of Christ,there's like this little floaty that comes along and I'm able to catch it and come back up for air. But as time progresses, I'm learning to surf the way that's like anything you you, you learn to, to navigate it. And so I'm getting better when I feel or see those waves coming. I'm learning to surf it better.Because I know what I know what to expect, right? But here's the thing there are we don't, we can't anticipate when that wave is coming. But we can prepare ourselves. And sometimes if you prepared if you don't prepare yourself, right, and you do get knocked under, you learn how to swim. So I learned to surf the waves I've learned to even if I feel like I'm drowning, I've learned to swim out of it to come out of that darkness or that overwhelm that I may feel.So it's a learning process and,and learning to see it for what it is.Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. To face it head on not to avoid it.Absolutely. To go through the feelings to surround yourself with support and with love and to acknowledge where you are.I'm hurting right now. I need a moment or I can't breathe right now. And to have those trusted around you that connect with you and help you navigate through it but ultimately it comes down to you. That's it comes down to you What has and I'm going to change direction a little bit. What has the heart work community meant to you just along your journey in any way?Well, for sure. We know that the definition of compassion fatigue, which the heart work,community, and the journey in itself, addresses just means that the cost of caring has become too expensive. And as I told, you know, you and everyone listening out there a multitude of hats. And what I've learned is that, throughout, you know,learning about compassion,fatigue, and learning the symptoms and how to address it,I'm learning that you can be healed. You can, and believe it or not, it's it's a matter of a decision. And that's why I do encourage everybody, you know,if you are thinking about joining the heart, work Academy,do it, do it, you deserve this,you deserve it, I deserve to recover from camphor and everybody else and not taking care of myself. I deserve it myself deserves it. And what I've learned is while I'm trying to juggle all my responsibilities, everything that calls for my attention, and I'm trying to keep it up and that I'm tiring myself out. And eventually if I don't stop, it all comes down crashing anyways,all these balls that I'm trying to juggle, they eventually fall.And I'm learning to, you know,as I work through the hardware journey, and learning more about who I am, what are those gifts that God has given me? I'm learning to take things off my plate. I'm learning to set some boundaries. I'm learning just so much about what should have been taught anyways. But it's not we live in a hostile code culture,right? We do. That's why you don't have your midlife crisis anymore. We have quarterlife crisis, right? Because it started early, this hustle, just always keep going. And one thing we must realize is that if you are the wheel, most time, most times women are the wheel, we're the will of the family, I'm the will of my in the white house hold the wheel, meaning that everybody comes to me to drink it rather it's my husband, my babies, believe it or not my family, my friends, I am the go to. And what we don't realize is that a wheel works. And it pumps some of the best water if your country like me, and you probably can't tell my accent.I'm pretty country, pretty southern Jordan, Georgia. from down south. The water is good.So I know what I produce is good. And it'll be nourishment to your soul. But the things about well is that if you do not maintain it, if you don't keep it clean, if you don't tend to it, do monthly yearly maintenance. It dries up, come on. And if the wheel dries up,that means that everybody who came to the will, is thirsty. So you do yourself and everybody else that does justice. When you don't take care of self, when you don't maintain the will maintain that hardware journey has taught me maintain you so that you can be efficient in the work and the purpose that you call to do.Maintain the well listen. And so I need to go back for a moment and what you said because you said to heal, that the heart work Academy is an opportunity to heal. And so often, we don't realize we're walking around wounded. Because if we have,let's say you have a pain in your back or pain in your knee,your body automatically begins to overcompensate for that pain.So if you shift the way you walk, you shift the way you stand. You shift the way you sit, so that you can have that in injury but not feel it. It's so especially especially I'm talking to I'm talking to everybody but can I talk to professional women for a minute,especially for professional women who have been in these atmospheres where we have to prove ourselves and we have to navigate through the judgment and we have to swim through the ideas of others and through the ways that people hold us down and presses down, and all of the challenges that come with being in a professional environment.You know, I watched the confirmation hearings this week.And I watched how our judge has sat there and grace and breed,and at times, just tears in her eyes. And as much as we are applauding her right now, when I see that I know that pain. I know that pain. And what we don't recognize is, that's trauma. That's impact that is a hit to your spirit, that's a hit to your soul, that is a hit to your heart. And we walk around,and we've collected all of these hits all of these impacts over the years. And we just keep adjusting ourselves and contorting ourselves, so that we can hold on to the pain but keep moving forward. It's time to heal. It's time to heal, it's time to heal, it's time to acknowledge the trauma, and it's time to heal. It is time for us to breathe, this trauma literally knocks the breath out of you. And you continue to exist. And you're moving through these environments, holding your breath, because you're waiting on the next hit to come. It is time to heal for real. And we can't wait or expect our institutions or organizations or our companies to do it for us.We're doing this for ourselves.We're doing this for sales.We're doing this for ourselves.So I love that you identify that this is an opportunity and a time to heal. But also the maintaining the well.Acknowledging that you are the well, you are the well, our partners and our children and our family members. And all the people who depend on us are coming to us because there's brilliance, this shine, that's fresh water, there's a spring in US where they are filled. But we can't keep doing that if we don't maintain well. In our last episode, last week, when we were talking about powerful community, or maybe a couple of weeks ago, I was saying that if you are in a community that you're constantly giving, and giving, and giving and giving,and there's no restoration, and there's no investment, you're in the wrong community. You need powerful community, where there's reciprocity where there's give and take, there's give and take, I'm gonna be a part of this community, also into this community. But I'm also getting what I need back.Oh, you we got to maintain Well,we got to maintain the well as,as we've been walking through,just life together, just live.And it's just been an honor for me to be any part of your life.And to walk paths with you and to take steps with you.I see this new vision. I see this new assignment, this new passion. But the purpose isn't new. I see it evolving. And something brand new is coming forth. Talk to us a little bit about the season that you're stepping into and what is that?What does it mean?This new season I am excited. I am absolutely elated. But I'm also a little nervous. Because God is asking me to leave my comfort zone. Right? I can mark it I can grow your business hands down. Easy, I do it my eyes closed, right. But God is asking me to finally do the things that I know I was called and created to do. I help people but in the capacity or the assignment that I usually do it in God is asking me to now switch and this new season. God is calling me or I feel led to to do more of the hands on helping people get down in the dirt, right and we build from the ground up. So I am in a season now where I'm going back to speaking I'm doing more of the writing. Do Over the conferences, those things that I ultimately believe or not enjoy.But it's not the safety net that my current career offers me. But I do believe that God is one that if he tells you to decrease is not to get rid of it, God only multiplies. So if we can expect that if we plant the seed out of obedience, that the seed has to come to fruition. And the good thing about feed is that it's not just the seed, it's not just the plan, because inside that plant or that tree, you have more seeds that have more trees, and ultimately, in one seed, you have a forest, come on. So God is asking me in this current season to plant seeds of where I'm helping other women specifically, identify their purpose. I want to my goal is to show you show ordinary people how to live extraordinary lives.And how do you do that, by maximizing your potential by learning who you are by doing the inner and outer work to become all that you're meant to be? What that is, is during this next season, I have an amazing event coming up through cancel purpose. It's based off of the Scripture, Proverbs 16:3 &Proverbs 16:
9, where if you dedicate all or if you give all of your plans to God, you'll be successful, you're bound hfor successs because what happens is, instead of writing a pin,like I do a lot, and I'm learning life is teaching you that you can't ride a fan.Because when you write in pen you set yourself up for for failure, because your expectations of something that may not happen. And so I'm learning to write in pencil means that I am planning out my life, I am planning my next steps. But when I write in pencil, I give God the room to go in and write what he point and race, what I may have put down.I love it. I love Oh, I'm so excited about Penciled Purpose.I'm so excited because we talk about how the expression of the purpose may change the purpose never changes. Your purpose is your purpose, what you were created to do. But the expression of our purpose changes even you, even you have seen you you taught in the classroom, you are your own CEO,you done this marketing and it propelled businesses. And now you're walking into Penciled Purpose, where you are helping and here's what I see, Joe,here's what I see, you almost say two things. The first thing that just came to my heart is you bring manifestation to the hidden thing. I have shared pieces of Heart Work with you,the Academy and the community,and through the bits and pieces that I could articulate and put words to you have expressed it through video through my social media, through marketing, you have expressed Heartwork in a way that when I look at what you create, it brings me to tears,because I feel like I couldn't even say that. I couldn't even articulate that. But somehow you caught it. You got it. And you You made it real, you made it manifest. So you have a gift of manifesting the hidden thing.Years and years ago, I told you that you saved the hero in one of my very overwhelmed seasons,and one of the spaces that I was headed towards burnout. I remember you coming into my office. And I remember you encouraging my spirit. And I said to you who saves the hero who can look at the leader, the heart worker, the compassionate person and say, I see you see you and you have that gift. So I believe through Penciled Purpose, what you're going to do is pull out the hidden thing,and help that thing be manifest for all the people who participate in the conference and who participate in pencil purpose. But also these are people who are hard workers who are givers who nurture who care for other people. And through walking this path with you. I believe they are going to be rescued themselves. Because that's what you do. That's what you do. So I'm so excited.Listen, we got to close but you got to give the details of the pencil purpose conference. When is this happening? Where's it happening? And how can people get connected Absolutely. So I am hosting the pencil purpose conference, it'd be more summit phone form, I have a panel of women there. And I am going to keep this a little more intimate. I do still have seats available. It'll be in Augusta, Georgia on Saturday,May the 21st. from nine to 5pm.We're working. We're learning we're growing. We're networking,we're evolving. I have professional photographers,they're doing their jobs where the women, you will get the opportunity to network with different women will have branches, just an amazing time to sit down and talk purpose to talk plans to talk potential.And again, that's May 21. in Augusta, Georgia, you can go and purchase your ticket at www.penciledpurposesummit.com.Again, that is www.penciledpurposesummit.com,where you can go in and register. And again, it's a more intimate event. So you know,we'll get down to you have the opportunity to share, to talk to learn. So I'm super excited. And I would love for you to join us.I'm so excited. Listen, I wouldn't miss it. I'm going to be there. So I encourage you all to join us, we will make sure that link is in the show notes,so that you can just click the link and go get registered for the pencil purpose Summit.Friends, I am just so grateful.Shaun, quit, I'm grateful. I'm grateful for our connection. I'm grateful for your gift, and for your purpose. And I am grateful that we get to do life together.Thank you for spending this time with me and with the Heart Work community. Absolutely. Thank you guys for having me.Yes, listen, friends, I know that your heart is encouraged.And I hope you heard that it's time to heal. And it's time to maintain the well. This is not the space that you have to come in and introduce yourself by your title. And list all the things that you have done, we know that we know who you are,we know how powerful you are.This is the place where you come to heal. And as you've learned from Jonquette's story, all the things can be true at the same time. You can be in success for however that's defined, but still have those waves crashing and you need to find a community and become a part of a place that you can be healed and you can be supported as you navigate all that. So listen friends, you are powerful. You are significant. And you are loved.Love always PBJ