66. Empty Nest Identity Crisis - Chrystina Wilson

Special Guest: Chrystina Wilson

"It's not about you wanting to be seen. It's about you having a responsibility. Somebody is waiting on you. Somebody needs to hear you. Somebody needs that Brilliance that you have. But because you're so comfortable in the background, they can't find you, and they're looking for you. So we're calling you. We're calling you into the light. It's time to do it!" 

Join Dr. Patrice Buckner Jackson & Chrystina as they talk about the Empty Nest Identity Crisis. 

To connect with Dr. PBJ, go to www.aspoonfulofpbj.com

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Website:  patricebucknerjackson.com

Transcript

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Hey, hey friends, this is Dr. Patrice Bucker Jackson. But you can call me PBJ. Welcome to another episode of Heart Work with PBJ, where we are disrupting cycles of burnout and compassion fatigue, so that you can serve from the heart. Listen, friends, I need your help, if you would subscribe and share and rate and comment. Wherever you're listening to this episode, wherever you listen to this podcast, it helps us get this message out to more people. That's how the algorithms work. So do me a favor, make sure you let us know you're listening, say something back to us subscribe, so that we can keep getting this good message out. Friends. I'm so excited about these next few episodes. So as I shared with you all, I had a plan for opening the Heart Work Academy right now. So as May 1 would have been our orientation. But I've been led to hold and wait on that as I'm doing other things. But in preparing, I had the opportunity to interview a few ladies who have been a part of the Heart Work community and Heartwork Academy. And I still want to share these episodes with you. These phenomenal women not only have they experienced transformation, but their stories are going to be a blessing to you. I believe that you're going to see yourself in their story. So I'm not going to wait to share these episodes with you. I'm going to share them now. So over the next couple of weeks, you are going to have the opportunity to meet several members of the Heart Work Academy, Heart work community and I cannot wait for you to meet them. So, huh? Y'all, okay, so I am honored, I am honored. So we are taking some time in the month of April to introduce you all to some of the members of the Heart Work community. And when I think about the Heart Work community, this powerful woman that you're gonna meet today, she is one of the first people that comes to mind from introducing the e book to introducing the podcast to the Heart Work Academy. This woman has been there, she has been a part of all of it. And not just that, but along the way she was send me a note PBJ this is how it's impacted my life. Thank you for what you're doing. And you don't know how much that means when you are doing your Heart work when you're doing something that you believe is your purpose. And for someone to come and say, oh, yeah, keep doing that. It means everything. So Chrystina, before I even introduce you, and allow you to say anything to the people, I need to say thank you to you. I need to say thank you to you. In those moments that I opened my email and there was a message from you about the ebook, or about the academy or about the podcast. And those moments I needed the most. To know that I need to keep going. So thank you for being an encourager to be encouraged. Thank you so much. And welcome to the heart work with PBJ. And thank you for having me. I'm so excited to have you I'm so let's dig in because I want the people to get to know you a little bit. So tell us who are you tell people who you are. I am Chrystina, I am a wife, a mother. And I disrupted the cycle of burnout. And I found myself in the midst of it. That's why you might have made me scream and we just got to bring it down. PBJ pull it together. Pull it together. Yes, you did disrupt the cycle of burnout. Yes, you did. Okay, before we get into that, let's back up, talk about how we know each other, and why you even connected to the message and decided to join the Academy, like where did all that come from? Okay, we know each other. We weren't at the same university for numerous years. We interacted on several topics on a few committees. And once you start talking about the heart work and talking about the disruption of the burnout, at that time in my life, I was I was going through some things I didn't know what I was going through. I have one daughter that's away in college. I have two other daughters that's currently in college, and I just didn't know where to begin. I didn't you know, you get so caught up in doing everything for everybody that you lose who you actually are. And that was that was me. So when I saw you posting about the HEartwork Academy and I started watching your podcast, I was just like, Okay, I might have to actually look into this and I did. I did. I did not know what to expect. I did not know who else was going to be in the committee. That committee I'm sorry, in the academy. All I knew was, I had taken a chance on everybody else. But everybody else I showed up for now, it was hard for me to show up for myself. I really didn't have any expectations. I didn't know what to expect. I just wanted to take a chance to say okay, Chrystina, now is your time. Oh, that's what I did. Oh, my gosh, I love that. I love that, Chrystina. And even the way you introduce yourself now. Because I remember a time when we talk about who are you? What are you looking for. And you struggle with that talk about that a little bit. I struggled with it, because I didn't know who I was, you know, you hear people talk about empty nest syndrome is definitely real. It's definitely real. I have a job at work a professional job, I work 40 hours a week, just like many of us right now. And a job is only what it is, it's a job, you know, you are an employee to a job. If you decide to leave the job, or if your job decides they don't need you anymore. Who are you. And in my case, my children were growing up, they were not mommy's babies anymore. In my mind, in my heart, they work. But once they got those driver's license, and they were on the go, so it left me just there. And it was a hard time. It was a hard time. I started trying to do other things. For other people just trying to fill that empty void in. It pretty much got me nowhere, but it was a part of my life that I had to go through. Yeah, yeah. So when you think about burnout, and compassion, fatigue, how would you explain what burnout looks like or what it what it feels like, or even how it manifested for you? For myself, burnout was, everything became a routine, you get up, you go to work, you come home, you cook dinner, or you don't cook dinner, or you grab something to eat, everything just became so routine. It wasn't anything that was you didn't have a purpose. You know, I knew I was alive. I knew God has a purpose for all of us. But at that time, I couldn't find my purpose. All I knew was, this is what I have done, day after day after day. And this is what works for different people is different. Some people burn out, is it anxiety for me? It didn't affect my anxiety. I could feel it. Sometimes. It was, it was the heaviness. You know, it's much like me, you give your story about your burnout experience and how you drove up there and you parked in your parking spot, and I was like, go here on PBJ. But you parked in your pocket spot, and all you could do was get to your office and shut your door. You don't really know what burnout is, until you realize you can't keep going in the direction that you're going. And that's what I want. I just couldn't keep going in that direction. Oh, my goodness. You share something powerful with me this week about the picture of burnout and kind of a way to describe it. And I believe that through when I heard you say that, it just hit me to my core, the grocery store now, I need you to share that because somebody somebody is listening to us who's in the midst of burnout and they don't know how to name it. They don't know what to call it. Will you share that with with the people because it was so good. Okay, um, the example I use was, let's say for instance, you're gonna cook hamburgers for them. So you know, you need hamburger meat, you need hamburger buns. And let's say you guys gonna put cheese on your burgers. That's it. And so, burnout for me was getting out the car, knowing I'm just gonna get three things hamburger buns, hamburger, me and cheese. Going into the store, I don't get a budget. I leave the budget alone and just say I'm only getting three things that's that's all I need right now. And as I'm going to get those three things I see a category means I see bananas. I see all this stuff and I'm picking up stuff. And I'm putting it underneath my chin. I'm putting under my arm carrying with me this arm and I don't have any more space but I'm still trying to grab my Three Things plus everything else for some strange reason I picked up and then I get to the checkout line and there's some line and there I am holding and everything. But all I needed was three things. So when I get to the conveyor belt, I'm slowly we're not slowly, I'm actually trying to rush to get all of this stuff off. And as I'm taking it off of me, as I'm taking the, let's just say, the bananas or the green beans, or whatever else I may have, and I put it on that belt, I feel free. Because I'm not weighed down carrying all this other stuff that it was never meant for me to get at that moment in that time in that now. And then as I'm at the register, and of course, the cashier is scanning my groceries, and she gives me a total. And that's not realize, me picking up everything else besides what I need to pick up. It cost me something. It cost? Absolutely, absolutely, it cost you something and there's somebody out there who has picked up the extra things, because it was a good idea because it was on sale, because you thought it was gonna go quick, oh, it's no big deal, I can help them with that they don't last that long. It's only one day, it's only a couple hours. It's only a couple of weeks for that project. And we go along, and we're just picking things up. That seemed like a good idea at the moment. And before we know it, our arms are full, and we're holding on to things. And what could happen, Chrystina is you could drop something while you're carrying all that stuff, if you keep piling on, you're guaranteed to drop something. And when we drop something, somebody gets hurt. Some and it could be us. It could be us. So I appreciate when I heard that I was like says you better preach this burnout medicine. Because that's exactly if feels like a heavy load. It feels like a weight and then you put it down for home. But then you find yourself paying for it. Yes. And there's a cost for it. So talk to me about your experience in the heart work Academy and maybe something that impacted you or the thing that you feel like was most impactful for you. Okay, when I joined the HEartwork Academy, it was a group of people. We didn't know who we were, we had no idea. We didn't know anything about anybody. On our first meeting, we introduced ourselves, and you told your burnout story. And to see the number of heads even though you've told that story numerous times, the see the hits that were nodding, and people that were just tuned in like it was the first time you said something I knew it was the right place for me to be that night you in that group in that Academy. You didn't ask us who we? What do we do for a living? That wasn't important to you? It was more about what is your name? And who are you? And what is it that you're looking for in the academy. And I remember you went and you just randomly pick people. And I remember you, I was listening to all these people with all these very good things to say. And I was just like, Oh, my goodness, I may have signed up for the wrong thing, because I really don't know where I am right now. I don't. I'm trying to figure out like, and while I was tempted not to see it. I felt safe. I felt as though I can be honest. Yeah. When you asked me and you and I said Well, honestly, I'm trying to figure out where I'm going. I didn't have an answer. You know. And that, to me was part of the beginning of finding who I was. Because everybody else, you know, they came from different parts of life, or they were going through what they're going through. But for me to be able to say, I don't have it figured out. I'm trying to get it together. I'm trying to overcome something right now. Really, really helped me. Yeah. Talk to me about how, because you are different Chrystina. I mean, you're the same woman, you have the same values. You have that deep purpose, but I'm looking at, I'm looking at how bright you are. I'm looking at how light you feel like you are not the same person that we started this journey on. So how have you changed or transformed? I'm probably in our second session. Maybe it was our first one. You mentioned therapy. During that time that you you weren't working. You mentioned going to therapy you said you know, all your years and student services, you always recommend therapy. Don't get therapy, you know, try to find your counselor her. And I remember thinking to myself, now she went and found her therapist, let me see what that means for me. Because growing up the way I grew up, you didn't always hear about people going to a therapist or going to a counselor. We went to church, you prayed about it, and you kept it going. Yeah. So I tried. I when I found me a therapist. And I remember when I sat down, and I met with her app, I was open with her about how I felt what I was going through. And at the very end of our session, she said, where are you? Do you feel like you're gonna come back, I said, you know, I had been praying about that before I, before I came, sat right with me. I'm not coming back. So for me, that was my very first step in actually putting in putting in work for myself. And I continue with therapy, and I still continue with therapy. And as I continue on through my process, one thing my therapist reminds me of, is, you're not the person who you are the first day I met you, when I first met you, you were heavy, you were carrying so much, and I was, but now is not so much about everybody else. I love everybody else. I love my husband, I love my children. I love my family. I love everybody. But now I'm also putting in the same work that if everybody else into myself, so I so I continue in therapy. Recently, probably since January, got me a health coach. Oh, I have health coaches, actually a couple. And one thing they stay on me about is trust the process. And they don't know anything about the HEartwork Academy. They don't know anything about my therapy, but it fits different parts of my life. And they say trust the process. So when I think about the academy, and the things I learned, and just me finding out who I am, all I can say is trust the process, because I didn't see it. You know, I didn't understand why I went through what I went through. I didn't know how to fix it. It wasn't a way for me to tell people that were close to me, this is how I feel. All I could really do is seek help and just keep praying and trusting God. Yeah, what I did. Oh, I love it. I love it. I love the way that you have surrounded yourself with support and resources. Where before you were so focused on serving everybody else and being the resource that you didn't seek resources. But now you're in a place in your life that you surrounded yourself with resources, and support. And it's a beautiful thing. It is a beautiful thing. And y'all Chrystina is right, I'm quick to tell you, I am not a therapist, okay? I am not a counselor, and I don't try to be so this academy is not counseling. As a matter of fact, I encourage you to do counseling along with the because we dig deep. And we go into because we're checking our baggage, how did we get here, we're talking about our boundaries we're looking for are discovering our purpose and our brilliance. Having a counselor or therapy alongside of that is tremendous, tremendous support. So the fact that you have gotten to the place that you're pouring into you, yes. And you see the value of pouring into you. It's just beautiful. It's beautiful. I love it. I love it because we forget where the source for so many people. But if you don't refill the cup, what you're gonna give nothing. There's nothing, there's nothing for them to come get. So we when we think about taking care of ourselves, we think it's selfish. We think it's self centered. But it's not it is critical to what you have in your hands. It's being a good steward. I can't serve this community. If I don't have a place that I'm being poured into. I wouldn't have anything to give to you all. So you can't serve your clients, your customers, your students, your your family, your children, you cannot have all of those drawing from you. And there's nothing pouring in. So So I asked, Where are you being filled up? That's what you need to think about. Where are you? Where can you go, that you're being filled up, that you are understood, that you are not judged that you don't have to wear your mask and you're being filled up? That is the question my friends. That is the question so just just come Continuing here, here is an announcement I'd like to make. And I'm so excited to make. So excited to make so not only is Chrystina loyal to the heart work community chieee, like when I say loyal, I mean, like right there. But Chrystina has accepted the invitation to serve as our community liaison for this cohort of the heart, orca cat. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. Chrystina, I'm excited because I know your heart. And I know that you are connected not just to this message, but this word. And I'm excited because you're living in the fruit of it for yourself. But I'm also excited because you're pushing yourself beyond your own comfort zone. So just talk to us a little bit about why you accepted this what you're excited about. And we talked, well, you told me I was thinking to myself, she could ask anybody. And I know, you know, a lot of people, she could ask anybody. And he said, but you have been praying about it. And I just kept coming to you coming to your mind. And you say, okay, he said, You pray about it. And I'm gonna continue to pray about it. And I continue to pray about it. And I remember it was maybe about two or three days before I reached back out to you. And in my mind, I was like, Okay, God, if I'm gonna do this, it's gonna be me. And you. Because I don't know much about social media. I know the basics. But I'm willing to take a chance on myself. When you asked me about doing this podcast as it's like, but it took me a couple of minutes. And I responded back and said, Yes, I will do it. Again, taking the chance on myself. A year ago, today, two years ago, today, three years ago, today, it would have been, no, there's no way I could do this. I don't have time I don't, I just don't, I can't fit it into my life right now. So with the Academy with counseling with me trying to realize that I have to pour into myself, have to go through this process, and find out who I am. One thing I often told my therapist was, I felt like I was in a forest, surrounded by trees. And I can get out the forest I just didn't take, I just didn't have the confidence to take a path to get out. I didn't even want to go to left, go to the right, go. I just want to just stay in my comfort zone. Now in my life, I'm able to say okay, take that chance, try to go to lift the bet, don't work out backup go another direction. And so for me right now, I am learning to trust myself to put my trust in God and for me to say, Okay, let me find out who I am, besides me and a wife, a mother, an employee, let me work on finding who I am. What serves me. And, most importantly, learning that I'm not alone. You know, a lot of times, I felt like I was the only person you know, going through this, I couldn't identify it was burnout. I didn't know what it was. But as I'm talking to different people, and you find out, you're really not alone, we all battles battle through certain things. So it's just a matter of us getting out of the battle. So for me, stepping out of my comfort zone is yes, that's what I'm trying to do right now. Oh, well, listen, we're not stepping out by yourself. You're not stepping out by yourself. Because I've seen your light. I see. And like, you know, we walked through the exercise of connect the dots. That's something we'll do in the academy. So you all will get to do that. But as we were walking through connecting your dots, and I can see, I'm like, oh, wait a minute. Can I see what's going on here? And, and there was even I think it was a text message that you sent me talking about how you live in the shadows. Yeah, you know, but now you're taking chances to come out of the shadows and taking steps to see where that brilliance is going to lead you. Because I was in the shadows holding everything together. Every everything for everybody. You're holding it together. And I was like okay. Let me try something for myself. Oh my gosh, let's talk about that for a minute because I don't want somebody to miss that. There are other people out there who are I don't need to shine, I don't need to be in the spotlight, just let me be in the background, I hold it all together, I got you. But don't put me out there I don't, I don't want to be seen you go be seen, I'll do all the work but you go missing. And what I'll say to that is I think, I think there's power and knowing you know where, where you're called to be. But if you're shying away from that spot, because of things that have been said to you, or about you in your past, or for some self esteem reason, or maybe you weren't built up or encouraged to step forward, I would encourage you to step forward, all of us have a space, and there's room for you to there's room for you to shine, all of us have a space, I don't have to be intimidated by Chrystina joining me as a matter of fact, I'm grateful. Because greatness does not grow in isolation, you need a team, you need community, you need people. So the fact that she's coming, I'm gonna make room for her to shine, because there is rooting for all of us, in our own brilliance in the thing that God is calling us to be. So if you are a person who said no, I'm good, I'm good, I don't have to be seen. I'm just stay back here behind the curtain, hope pulling all the strings. Now, you make it all happen. But you want to stay behind the curtain and not being seen. I'm calling you in, it's time for you to come forth, it's time for you to let that light shine freely, not worried about what nobody else thinks. Not worried about what they're going to say, but to be who God created you to be because you're accountable for that gift. It's not about you wanting to be seen, or saying I got to talk to somebody so much here, this is not about you wanting to be seen, it's about you having a responsibility, somebody is waiting on you. Somebody needs to hear you somebody needs that brilliance that you have. But because you're so comfortable in the background, they can find you and they're looking for you. So we're calling you and we're calling you into the light come home, it's time to do it. And you know, and you know what I've learned, the more we hold on to something that needs to get out the sicker we get. Yeah. It's almost like an overdue baby. You can hold you can hold up baby was so long. When it's time for the baby to come, the baby is going to come. And if you try to restrict it, you will harm yourself and the blessing. So I'm just so grateful. I'm so grateful for you agreeing to do this work with me. But mostly I'm grateful for your heart. Thank you Your Heart of service and your heart of understanding and no judgment. Because friends you you can't do this alone. You can't do this alone as I was thinking through and praying about what this next cohort because it's gonna be different you all for your cohort, it was kind of like a membership. So we met once a month, right. And I learned so much in that experience. And what I learned is, this is not a membership, because people can't afford to wait once a month to be free. People need to be free now. They needed this burnout now, okay, so that's why we bought eight weeks straight. We're going to eight week straight with coaching. And Chrystina is going to help she's going to be in the discussions with you all. And prompting you to have those discussions and encouraging you and y'all it's just going to be it is going to be the best experience and the most impactful transformational thing you've done for yourself in a very long time. If ever So, Chrystina, is there anything that you want to say to people who are thinking about it, or people who might just join us? Is there anything you want to say to them today? You find things out about yourself that you didn't know. You will have the encouragement, the support, and most importantly, you'll have PBJ and her being who she is. She's very I mean, your heart just shines. You know? I don't I don't take this lightly. I look at you look at the work you've did I look at how honest you are. You know, everybody's honest, everybody doesn't say, you know, I went through this. This is what I went through. But when you say it and you tell that story and I have listened to it so many times. It speaks volumes. It speaks volumes. So I think anyone that's looking for community that, like you say, doesn't judge because we never judged anyone in the community community. Sometimes, you know, during the session, somebody might say something that I might need to hear, I may say something that someone else needs to hear is, it's more about us helping each other. Then having a group that's not working together this group work together, it worked together. And you know, we were there for each other. Yes. And will continue to be, will continue to be so y'all come join us. I'm so proud of you, Chrystina. I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud of your courage. And I'm so proud of your heart and your love for other people and your willingness to serve. So this is about to be good. Let's go. There will be good. All right, friends, listen, we don't let you go today. But you can have more you can join us in the Heart Work Academy and friends. Like I said, there's 25 spots. I know it's not for everybody. So if it's not for you, God bless you keep listening to the podcast, we're gonna keep serving because this is not to cohorts, this coerce, this is an invitation. This is an invitation you know, you're drowning. You know, you're under heavy weight. You know, you're in burnout, you know, your income, compassion fatigue, where the price tag of caring has become too expensive. If you know you can hardly breathe, you better come get your breath back. And I know no doubt in my mind is gonna happen for you just like it's happened for all the other ladies that went through the process. So as always, you are powerful. You are significant. And you are loved. Chrystina and I cannot wait to serve you and to love on you. Love always PBJ