68. Reset Again

"You can reset again! Do we prefer to give a proper yes and a proper no from the beginning? Absolutely. But if you haven't and you've given too many yeses, it's okay for you to go back and say I messed up. I made a mistake. I should have said no. I should have made space for somebody else to do this, but I cannot do it. Will people feel some kind of way? They MIGHT. But will they still feel some kind of way if you can't do it well? They WILL."~ PBJ

Join Dr. Patrice Buckner Jackson as she talks about resetting again. 

To connect with Dr. PBJ, go to www.aspoonfulofpbj.com

Do you need a dynamic transformational speaker?  Dr. Patrice Buckner Jackson is ready to serve.  Check out Dr. PBJ Speaks

Follow Dr. PBJ on IG @drpatricebucknerjackson for #aspoonfulofpbj every Monday.

Website:  patricebucknerjackson.com

Transcript

Unknown: 0:00

Hey friends, this is Dr. Patrice Buckner Jackson. But you can call me PBJ. Welcome to another episode of Heart Work with PBJ, where we are disrupting cycles of burnout for people who serve from the heart. Yes, friend, that's you. This is the place that you can come where we understand your heart, we understand your struggle, and we speak your language. And It's my prayer that when you come here, before you leave, you are refreshed, you are revived, you can breathe. Again, this is specifically for you. Everything else that you do in your life is for other people. But this right here, the next few minutes that we spent together, this is for you. So my friend, listen, wherever you are watching or listening while you subscribe, download thumbs up, whatever you can do. Because that allows us to get this message out to other hard workers who are seeking some answers and some support. So help us by doing that. Listen, I know we've had lots of folks that you've met over the last few weeks. But today, it's me. I need to give you an update. I mean, tell you where I am and what's been going on and I got a confession to make. Let's get into this episode. All right, friends. So here we go. I am going to start with the confession. I'm gonna go ahead and come out with it. Okay, my name is Patrice Buckner Jackson, and I fight burnout and overwhelm, and I've allowed myself to become overwhelmed. Okay. All right, I'm okay. All is well, I'm fine. But I need to come clean with you all. But I'm also here to tell you what I'm doing about it. Because I know I'm not the only one that finds myself kind of drifting back into that cycle. Even when I know better. Your knowledge is one thing, but application is another. And it takes practice. If you've been in the same mindset for several years, and my case, for 41 years, I've been in the same mindset, it's not going to change over six months, it's not going to change over 12 months, I've got to continue to work at this and to practice this and to do better at it. So I would encourage you to do the same thing. So listen, I am here right now to confess, to confess that your girl has allowed overwhelm to sneak back in but guess what, it's not gonna stay, because it does not have permission, and I am going to do something about it. But so let me start by telling you kind of how I got here. As you know, if you've been listening to this podcast and are following my journey, I transitioned out of my traditional job in December and into full time business. So in my business, I am a transformational speaker. So I travel all over the country speaking at conferences and universities. I am an executive coach. So right now I'm coaching a group of women and they are from all over this world. And then I have some individual coaching clients as well. I also serve as a strategist for colleges, and universities. So I am coming to the end of a long term contract with the university that I've been serving as a member of the executive cabinet. And I'm a faculty member for the Center for Creative Leadership. And there's a whole lot going on, okay, there's a whole lot going on. So I transitioned out of traditional work, but the girl never stopped working. And that was never the plan. I knew I was going to work. I didn't know that I would work at this level. Okay. So I think before a person goes into entrepreneurship, we have these dreams of the freedom of the freedom that's going to come once we are outside of that traditional structure and we can make our schedules and we can make our plans and I'm not making fun. I'm laughing myself. Okay, but I just want to tell y'all the truth about this journey, right? And there is freedom, like I do control my schedule to a certain extent. Um, but what I found is a couple of things one, and entrepreneurship like, I'm the janitor. I'm the bookkeeper. I'm the secretary. I'm the speaker. I'm the talent. I'm the teacher. Like I'm the thing, right? I have a couple of folks on my team now I didn't always have them since December. But there are some folks on my team now who are helping me I'm so grateful for them, but that doesn't take all of the responsibility off of my shoulders right. Also, in this transition, you know, When I was in a traditional job, I basically had one boss, I mean, my boss, reported to other people. So there were other leadership in my life, but I had one boss, but the way that I'm doing my my business now, it's almost like I have several, because I have several clients. And I have several people that I'm working with and that I'm serving. And I need to serve them in the way that they need to be served, right, to some extent within my boundaries. So the my responsibility to people have has grown. And I will tell you, I think the thing that has impacted me most in this transition, and it's been six months, so I've been in my business full time for six months. The thing that has impacted me most is I literally traveled every week, for six months, literally. And that wasn't the plan. And I didn't see what was happening when I was saying yes, until it was happening. So I told you that I travel and I speak and and consult, give strategy at different universities, right. And I do that under the umbrella of my business, but I also contract with other organizations and do it for them. So I travel for that. And when I'm not traveling in that way, this long term situation that I have with the university, I go there, so I'm there regularly, unless I'm someplace else, right? So when I started this out, I thought, okay, you know, I made this arrangement with the university, I said, Listen, if I'm traveling otherwise, and I can't be on campus, I'll still work remotely, but I can't be on campus. And I thought that will be a good arrangement. And it's been good, don't get me wrong. But what has happened in reality is I have traveled every week either to this institution that's about an hour away an hour and a half away from where I live or flying somewhere, or driving somewhere. And that's been every week. So my obligations to my family, I still have responsibilities here, my obligations to my business, like the things that administrative things that need to get done. In order to do everything that I do that all still has to be done. So I'll tell you, I started out in January. And if you if you follow my Instagram, you'll see I was showing y'all how I was making coffee and trying different coffee methods and you know, sitting out at the lake, and oh, it was so cute. It was so cute, and it has not been my reality. For the last few months, I have been ripping and running up and down the road. And honestly, I'll be honest, I mean, my weekends again, have turned into work days because the administrative things have to be done. So I've been pretty protective of Saturdays. Because that we go to church on we go to church on Saturday evenings, and I've been pre protective about family time on Saturdays just because I'm away so much. But other than that every day is something every day is something so I say all that to say your girl has allowed herself the burnout Queen. Listen, that disrupter of burnout. And I say that in jest, but I mean it, I am a disruptive burnout. But even me, I've found myself slipping back into overwhelm. So I'm working through that now. And I'm readjusting some things, and I want to share that with you. Because I'm not gonna come on here with you on pretend that I got it out together, I'm gonna be real honest with you and let you know that sometimes you have to reset again, you have to reset again. So I want to walk you through some steps that I'm taking to reset again. So as I'm looking at the second half of this year, I'm going to do it better. I'm going to do it better. I won't say that. It's perfect, because honestly, what I've learned in this first six months has been so valuable. So I'm grateful for the lessons. I'm grateful for the lessons, because I've learned I know more now than I did in December. So I'm grateful I know more now about what my boundaries look like, and how I need to enforce those boundaries and honor those boundaries. And I don't know that I would have known that without the lessons. So I'm grateful for the lessons but you best believe I'm going to implement the lessons. you best believe that I'm going to do something about it. So a few things that I want to talk to you about if you need to reset again, if you find yourself in a place of who okay PBJ I've been trying, I've been doing my best I don't I did pretty good for a little while. But I'm definitely in a place of overwhelm where you may find yourself deeper than overwhelm, you may say, PBJ, on burnout, and burnout out right now. So there are some things that I want you to do. I want to give you some practical thoughts and things that you need to do to help yourself kind of move out of that place of overwhelm. Okay, the first thing I want you to do is recognize your tell. So I've said this to you before all of us have a tell, T E LL, it's our symptom. All of us have a symptom of overwhelm or several symptoms of overwhelm. I've told you that, you know, when I wake up with my mind racing, like I can't even open my eyes in the morning without the thoughts of the to do list, just start swirling and moving. That's a sign for me that I'm overwhelmed when I normally have a song in my heart or in my mind, it's like a constant jukebox. When I've lost my song when there's no song, it's just constant thoughts. That is a tale for me that I'm in overwhelm. My Space is a tale for me when things start stacking up are not quite in the right order. That's a tale for me that I meant overwhelmed. So what is your tell? How do you know? Because if you don't recognize your tell, that thing will get so far you'll find yourself in burnout before you can recognize anything's wrong. So the first thing we need to do is identify your tell. Are there people in your life who are saying hey, you good? Are you okay? Are we okay? Is everything all right? That could be a tell your relationship? So speaking to you, what about your body? Are you feeling a different pain or a different discomfort or some dis ease maybe in your digestive tract? Or maybe in your head a headache or tension that whatever it is, your body is speaking to you, your body is speaking to you? Or is it your mind are your emotions all over the place? Are you feeling all over the place and in your emotions, you can be happy one moment and then upset in the next or you find yourself flying from one emotional extreme to the other. Your your, your heart is speaking to you, or our Asia mind constantly racing to the point that you can't even rest because when you rest, you're not grinding physically, but you're grinding in your mind shape is talks about grinding in your mind, that is your mind speaking to you, friend. What is your tell? How do you know that you're racing into overwhelm and down to burn out. So you got to recognize your telll. And when you recognize that tell, it's time to stop for a moment just it's time to stop and put a strategy in place. So that you can get out of that loop before you find yourself too far. So let's now that you recognize your tell, what's the next thought you need to have? The next thing I want you to know is you can reset again. You can reset again. Sometimes we think we're too far gone. I have obligated myself to too many things. And I have to do all these things. Or I'll say yes, too much. And now it's overwhelming. But I gotta push through. I have to do it. Or maybe you're worried about what people will think of what they might say. Or maybe it's your own condemnation. I'll never get this right, because I haven't gotten it right. So I'm just gonna just live life the way it is. I'm not all of that stuff. We can't solve all of that. Stop it. You can reset again. You can reset again. Do we prefer to give a proper Yes. And a proper? No from the beginning? Absolutely. But if you haven't, and you've given too many yeses. It's okay for you to go back and say I missed have made a mistake. I should have said no, I should have made space for somebody else to do this. And I cannot do it. Well, you will people feel some kind of way they might. But will they still feel some kind of way? If you can't do it? Well, they will. So you sometimes you gotta go back. Sometimes you have to go back and just accept the thought that you can reset again. There's no condemnation, no judgment on yourself. Just because you weren't perfect at it doesn't mean it's not going to work for you. It takes practice. It takes practice if you've thought this way, your entire life. And now you want to do things differently. Don't expect yourself just to pick up on it and run with it. You have to relearn and unlearn, relearn, and online. And that takes time. It takes practice, it takes repetition, for you to kind of get the rhythm of it into your life, and to shift the way that you naturally fall into to do life. So you got to give yourself some grace. Give yourself some grace to learn, give yourself some grace to mess up, give yourself some grace to get off track and get right back on track, you are human. And you deserve the grace to get this thing back on track. So you can reset. Again, even if you reset before you reset two weeks ago, you reset two months ago, and it's starting to get off tracks again, reset, again, friend, reset again, this is the secret sauce. This is the secret sauce to keep bringing yourself back, keep coming back. As often as you need to, you keep coming back. And the more you come back, the more this is going to become a part of your lifestyle, because you're changing your muscle memory, and you're changing your life rhythms, to allow with your values and your boundaries. And that is worth it my friend. So you can that's the second thing I need to you to accept that you can reset again. Here's the third party, here's where I want you to do some work. Okay. I'll talk to you about this, this method or this mindset of control, influence except right. So, Neil, and I think Susan Thompson came up with this several years ago. And it's been a model that has been so helpful in many ways in my life. This time, I want to talk to you about it specifically concerning the obligations and the events and the things on your plate, right. So it's control, influence accent, I want you to picture it like a target, right, and in the middle of the target is control. And the way that we hit the target every time is to focus on the things that are within our control, in your knowledge, skills, ability, experience, access, and authority. Those are the things that you control. That's where we put the majority of our energy. That's how we continue to hit the target. by refocusing our mind on what we control. One of the things that happens when we get overwhelmed it was we start putting our our time and our attention into areas that we have to accept into areas where we influence and what happens when most of your energy goes into the area where you have to accept. It's like boxing the air, you lose using all of your energy, but you're getting nowhere. And it's so easy to get wrapped up in the set area. Because it's much easier for us to think about stuff that other people should be doing that we don't have authority access to do anything about. It is more difficult thing, more discipline thing, to focus on what I have knowledge, skills, ability, experience, access and authority to do something about. That's where the discipline comes in. I can talk about what somebody else should be doing all day long. But I know that ultimately, that doesn't fall on my shoulders. So that's why it's easy for me to focus there. But when I come to the middle of the target, and when I come to the section on control, where I control, it takes discipline for me to stay focused there. Because that's where I have to do the work. That's where I need to do the work. So I want you to take everything that you are doing right now just take five minutes and just jot down or pull out your planner, or your calendar and identify the things that are on your calendar that you've obligated yourself to or that are on your plate right now, all your things right. I want you to think about the things that you need to accept. And when I say except, I'm not saying that you have to do them. I'm talking about the things that you don't have knowledge, skill, ability, experience, access or authority to change. Put those in your except list. We'll come back and talk about what to do with except in a minute. But just put them in except some things you might have to accept is the time with your office opens, the time your workplace opens. Some things you might have to accept maybe the the time of, you know an event for your kids. That may be something you need to accept or your partner's work schedule, maybe something you need To accept that you don't have access, authority, experience, ability, any of that to change that, right? You put all of those things in your except list. Next, I want you to think about where you have influence, right. And this will be different for every person. So that's why this is such important individual work on your influence list. You think about all the things on your plate that you don't control, but you have influence over, for example, I'll use the time that your office opens again, right? In some cases, there is no change in that it is not going to change, you have to put it on the access except list. But in some cases, you may be able to speak to a supervisor and say, Hey, can I start my day at this time, and then and a little bit later, so that I can take care of some other things? Or maybe you have influence in the office to say, I think we will be more productive? If we open at a certain time closed at a certain time and took a certain break? Even if it's not your decision? Do you have access? Influences about access? Do you have access to influence that decision? Right? If you have access, even if you think the answer is going to be no, this is not about whether you get a yes or no, this is about do you have access to have influence on that decision. If you do, then put it in the influence column, put it on the influence list. Okay, so we got to accept, we've got influence, and finally control, and everything on the control list. And this is everything on your plate, everything on your calendar, everything you got going on right now. Control means you have knowledge, skills, ability, experience, access, and authority to do something about it, you can change, these are the things that your backyard, that you can do something about everything that's on your plate right now that you control, I want you to put it on the control list, because that's where the majority of your attention and your energy is going to go. Here's the magic of this, when you make these lists, it reminds you of how much you truly are in control. Often when we feel overwhelmed, if it's because we feel like we've lost control of our life, we've lost control of our schedule, we've lost control of our obligations, and we don't know how to stop the train, the train is running. And we don't know how to stop the train. I'm here to tell you when you do this exercise, it clearly shows you that you are more in control of the train than you want to admit. After you admit to yourself, of the things that you have control, that's where you go through, and you prioritize your control list based on your values based on your values. What's important to me, what am I unwilling to lose? What am I unwilling to let go of, that's how I prioritize my control list. And where I'm going to put my time, my energy and my talent, then you continue to prioritize until you get to a place that you can identify, Okay, these are my priorities this week. Everything on a list might not get attention today. Everything on the list won't get attention this week. But you can go through that control list. And you can say this is what's going to get my attention this week. And then next week, you do the same thing. Next week you do same thing. So this is a tactic, a tool that I use to remind myself of where my control is, and to prioritize where I'm focusing where I'm putting my energy so that I can breathe again. So that I can breathe again. Friday is not too late, you can always reset again. You can always reset again. You can always take this method and use it so that you can find where your priorities are and where your attention should be going. And you can find what you need to put aside. You get to identify things that are within your control things that you've said yes to, that you can either influence to change so that it works for your life. Or you may decide that that's something you need to let go of, and not allow it to continue to be on the list at all. So it's time for you to stop. It is time for you to recognize the tell. It is time and this is a good time. I know many of my listeners are educators like me. And we always say, you know, we look forward to summer. But if we're not careful, summer will pass right by us, because it goes so fast. And if you don't tell your summer, what to do, your summer is going to go without you. It will be over, it'll be time for things to be back in full swing. And I know sometimes on our campuses, it feels like it never slows down, right. It's a feeling that's even more reason for us to stop and analyze what's going on. So that we can take control in the spaces where we should have control. So do this for yourself. Don't let this summer pass you by. Don't let the season pass you by. Don't let this week pass you back and continue to push and overwhelmed when you know you need to stop. You can reset again. And that's what I'm doing. I am resetting again. I'm resetting again. I'm looking at everything on my plate and I'm going to put them in the proper category. I'm going to identify those things where I have control my identify those things that I need to set aside for this season. I'm going to reprioritize so that I can reset again. Will you join me? I think you should. Alright fine As always you are powerful. You are significant. And you are loved. Love always PBJ.