Welcome to Disrupting Burnout - a podcast where we beat burnout so that you can love your career again!
In this week’s episode of Disrupting Burnout, I’m sharing the importance of admitting disappointment and the healing that can come from it. I share my personal struggle with infertility and how admitting my own disappointments to God helped me find freedom.
If you've ever felt disappointed in life and are looking for ways to release it, I encourage you to confess your disappointments and ask God for healing.
It’s Time To Disrupt Burnout:
01:10 - Be Honest About Your Disappointments
04:00 - My Fight With Infertility
10:35 - Hope Deferred
18:00 - A Prayer For Healing
25:25 - Admit The Disappointment
The Remedy For Disappointment Takeaways
● “Being disappointed doesn’t mean you’re not grateful.” - Dr. PBJ
● "If you are not connected to your brilliance, and connected to the God who gave you the brilliance, there's always going to be emptiness." - Dr. PBJ
● “Above everything, I am called to be a mother.” - Dr. PBJ
● "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." - Dr. PBJ
● “Gratefulness and disappointment can exist in the same space.” - Dr. PBJ
● “Even with tears in my eyes, I am okay with what God decides.” - Dr. PBJ
● "The way to move through the disappointment and to release the disappointment is to admit it." - Dr. PBJ
● "There's too much that God wants me to do. This is not the only part of my life. There's more for me." - Dr. PBJ
● "You can be honest with God." - Dr. PBJ
This episode is brought to you by HeartWork Academy! If you’ve ever felt like you're marching in place, putting in all of the effort, but not moving forward, this program is for you. If you feel buried and you’re ready to move into brilliance, it’s time to join a community of disruptors who understand and who genuinely want to support you and hold you accountable as you show up in purpose everyday. To join the Heartwork Academy, visit: http://heartworkacademy.com.
● To connect with Dr. PBJ, go topatricebucknerjackson.com
I came for you today. Because I want you to know in that press in that push for one more thing, if I get one more degree, if I get one more promotion, and we have one more baby, if I finally get married, if we buy the house, if I start a business, I'm going to be fulfilled, I want you to know that if you are not connected to your brilliance, and connect it to the God who gave you the brilliance, there's always going to be emptiness. I want you to know that it's okay for you to admit that you're disappointed. Hey, friends, I am Dr. Patrice Buckner Jackson, but you can call me PBJ Welcome to another episode of Disrupting Burnout podcast. And again, friends are a series of interviews with phenomenal women will come back in a few weeks, but they're just some things on my mind that I need to share with you. And today, I've come to encourage the woman who is disappointed. I've come to encourage you, if you feel like you've done all the things, you've been a good person, you go to church, you have the career, you've gotten the degrees, you gotten married, you're taking care of your children, you have the house, and the fence and all the things that people told you you're supposed to do. And you find yourself in a place where you look at your life. And if you're honest, you're disappointed. Because doing all the things you were promised that things would be great, and you would have peace and you would have joy. And you you have a hard time admitting it because your life is good. And you're grateful. being disappointed doesn't mean you're not grateful. More than one thing can be true. And this is the space where you can be honest, I know that there are a lot of people who don't understand this. And then not a lot of spaces where you can say this because it really feels and seems ungrateful. But this is the space that you can say PBJ I've done all the things. And if I'm honest, my heart is broke. And I'm disappointed. I feel hoodwinked. I feel misled. I feel bamboozled. Because I did the things. I did all the things that I've been taught I was supposed to do, and something is still missing in my heart. For now, I came for you. I came for you today. Because I want you to know in that press in that push for one more thing, if I get one more degree, if I get one more promotion, and we have one more baby, if I finally get married, if we buy the house, if I start a business, I'm going to be fulfilled, I want you to know that if you are not connected to your brilliance, and connect it to the God who gave you the brilliance, there's always going to be emptiness. I want you to know that it's okay for you to admit that you're disappointed in the book that I'm writing, and y'all can't wait for this book to come out for you all to enjoy it. For you to receive it. I've been pouring my heart out. One of the things I share with you in my book is my fight with infertility. And I'm watching my language. I'm very careful about what I say. But for those of you who may not know and I don't talk about this often, and I didn't mean to talk about it in this book or on this podcast. But as I was writing it just began to pour out. And as I was preparing myself today, I feel led that I need to save this for somebody. If you knew me growing up, growing up if you are a family member, you know that I was the kid who carried around this baby doll. His name was Billy now look Don't trip. I told you. I'm from Crockett Ville, South Carolina. I don't know why I named him Billy. I have no but his name was Billy. And he was a little brown skinned baby doll and he was a heartbeat baby doll. So when I pressed his chest there was a little little button his heart would be and when I tell you I took his baby doll everywhere except school because my mom would not let me take Billy to school. Billy had a diaper bag Billy had diapers, bottles, clothes, a car seat, a stroller at ability to church. I took Billy to the store. I took Billy everywhere. Hear that she allowed me to take that baby, I took that baby because all I wanted to be was somebody's mommy. I've always wanted to be somebody's mommy. And when I got too big to carry belly or embarrassed to carry my doll doll around, I still carry this dream. So when I got married, I just knew like now's the time. Finally, finally, I'm going to be somebody's mommy. And some of you know, I do have my baby girl. She is my daughter from my husband's prior relationship. And she is my miracle baby. If you've ever seen us together, she looks just like me. And I'm honored that she loves me. I'm honored that her mom honors our relationship. She is a miracle baby. But she's not a replacement. She is her own miracle in herself. But she's not a replacement for my desire and my dream, to carry, to conceive, to carry to bear to raise a child of my own flesh. She was never meant to be a replacement. She is my miracle. And I'm grateful for her. And I have fought with infertility. Even before getting married, I remember sitting my then boyfriend down and I said, Listen, sir, if you don't want children, then I am not the wife for you. I was very clear. And you know, at that point, my husband had baby girl. He had been through marriage before he wasn't sure. And I told him, You need to spend some time and be sure. Because if you're not sure, I am not your wife. Because above everything, I'm called to be a mother. That's what I told him. I said above everything. And I had a career by that time. You know, we got married, I was in my 30s. So I had to establish some things. But I told him, I am called to be a mother. And if you don't want more children, I am not your wife. That's how serious I was. And, you know, he said, Okay, I got it. I got it. I'm with you. We got married. And I just knew. I just knew I just knew that this little baby was coming. I just knew that this little baby was coming in one year. Two years, three years, four years. Five years. No baby. I remember taking a pregnancy test. Every month. I am diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome, PCOS. And because of PCOS, I've never had a regular Well, I won't say never, I normally do not have a regular period. And in that phase of life, and that season, I could go months a year without having a period at all. So that was never a good indicator for me of if I was pregnant or not. So I just took pregnancy tests every month, in secret in the bathroom by myself. Because I didn't want to drive him crazy. I didn't want to look crazy to other people. But I was holding on to faith. So I took them every month. And they were negative every month. We had these little booties, these little blue booties with our with the mascot of the school that I was serving at in the school that I got my doctorate. We both love that place. So my husband in faith, found these little booties in a Cracker Barrel when Sunday. And he came out of store. And he handed them to me. And he said this is this is for faith. And we prayed over those booties. We prayed over those booties and I kept them in a spot that I could see them and I kept believing and year six, and years. At some point, we thought okay, maybe we're called to foster or adopt. Because my husband's parents fostered children for many years and he grew up in a household of foster sisters and brothers and that okay, God maybe that's what you've called us to me. You maybe you've called us to foster and adopt and we started the process and just praying like God, we we don't want to be outside of your we'll just lead us and we got to the point of the home visit. And I'll never forget the woman was in our home. She was sitting down with us walking us through some things and she had begin to walk through our home and I just got incredibly uneasy See, incredibly, I mean, to the point that I was shaking, I was crying. I had to walk away, I went in the bathroom, I tried to get myself together. And I knew in my spirit that it just wasn't right for us. I can't explain it. I don't have an explanation to this day. But I just knew, I knew that it wasn't right for us. And I went back out and not told us I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. But this is not this is not right for us right now. I can't do this right now. And so we stopped that process. And we never revisited that process. And yours continued to go back. And at some point, I decided that the faith was too heavy to continue to carry. I had lost my hope the Bible says Hope deferred makes the heart sick. And I had longed for it for so long, and had been disappointed for so long, that I felt a bitterness in my heart. And I refuse so I can't, I can't be bitter. I can't let this happen. There's too much that God wants me to do. This is not the only part of my life, there's more for me. So I've resigned myself to say God, I release it. Release the desire, I released the longing I released the hope, whatever you want, for me, I want and apparently, this is not what you have for me. So I need to let this go is what I said, I need to let this go. I need to release it. I can't keep checking every month, I can't keep looking at these booties I can't keep. So I put the baby booties away. I still have them. I never got rid of them. But I put them away where I could not see them every day. I have not taken a pregnancy test. Since then. I had to I had to let that go. Because it was destroying me. I had to let it go. And when I let it go. It the pressure got better. Right? Before that point. It was several days a month where I just had to fight to breathe. Because my heart was grieving so much. And when I decided to let it go, it was not as frequent. Every now and then a wave of grief with calm or, you know, Mother's Day, Mother's Day was definitely a hard day continues to be up until this point has continued to be a hard day. But other than Mother's Day and just a moment here or there or when I'm talking about it. I'm okay. I'm okay. And I'm grateful. Keep in mind, I said gratefulness and disappointment can exist in the same space. I'm grateful for my baby girl, y'all, she looks just like me. And I'm grateful for the opportunity to love her. And I'm grateful that she loves me. So this is not about her. This is not about her. And let me say this before y'all leave the comments. Before y'all email me before you DM me, don't give up on God. It's not too late. Chill, Everybody calm down. Take a breath. Take a breath. I am okay with what God decides. Even with tears in my eyes, I am okay with what God decides. Because at this point, the story is not the story that I held in my heart. Even if God performed a miracle today. First of all, if I get pregnant today, y'all know if you've been praying for no newborn at this point in my life. If I were to get pregnant right now, or anytime after this, y'all know the Lord has spoken. Because I know I'm gonna need and even any time I would have needed the Lord, but I'm gonna really meet him he decided at 42 that I will need a newborn and everybody's story is different. I know women who have birth their babies after 40 Even after 50. Right? And if you are still believing, I believe with you, I believe with you. I'm talking about me. And my story. I gotta tell it like it is right. So before y'all before y'all rise up and and say all the things that church people say, I'm good. I'm good. I'm okay. All right. I've heard all the things over the years when we first got married is when you're gonna keep praying. When you're gonna have a baby. We're waiting on the baby. And then after a while when we didn't have a baby. I guess she just likes her career. She's a career one I'm gonna show me no baby, y'all stay out of people's uterus, stay out of people's business, you don't know, you have no idea. You have no idea. You see the fruit. But you know, understand the process isn't I know, it's been a while since I came to you in this way. But I've got something to share with you, you all know that I'm in the process of writing this book. And as I'm doing this, there are strategies and ideas and, and thoughts that are coming to me that I've never had, and I'm so full. I can't wait to get it to you. And the book is coming this year. But I can't wait until then I'm seeing the evidence in my life. And in the lives of folks that I'm coaching one on one, and God has laid it on my heart to create something for folks who may be interested in one on one coaching, but you can't afford it doesn't fit into your budget. Or maybe you're curious about coaching, but you've never had that experience before. This is for folks who feel like you're marching in place. Like you're putting in all the effort, but you're not moving forward, you feel buried, and you're ready to move into brilliance, I'm ready to share out, I've got some strategies, I've got some things to work through with you. Listen, friends, this is not gonna be fancy. There's no fancy sales page. There's no course platform, this is going to be us meeting once a month through zoom, for me to pour out to you what I have and to support you and your journey. That's it. That's it. This is 40, not 40. This is 3030 bucks a month. And there has to be some kind of investment. Or I've learned that people don't show up, right. But at that level, you deserve $30 a month, you can find $30 A month. So if you have wanted to work with me, but just couldn't find it in your budget. If you've been curious about coaching and just not sure if it was a good fit for you jump in on the HEartwork Academy 2023 I have an even if we work together before a friend, you ain't seen this yet. You haven't seen this yet. I am so ready. I'm so thankful. And I'm ready to share with you and I'm ready to support you. Okay, so listen, if you're interested, join with the link here. Fill out the form, join us in the heart work Academy, we'll kick off in May, we'll meet once a month on Zoom. And we're gonna walk this thing out together. Nothing fancy, but let's just get it done. It's time for you to live in brilliance. You need to know what it means to show up in purpose every day. And I'm ready to help you. All right, I can't wait to hear from you. And I'm excited to serve you. I'll see you soon. Bye, y'all. But I let it go. I say God, I gotta let it go. I can't keep carrying this. I can't keep carrying this. Like I let it go. So I let it go. I released it. And then things got better. As far as the way that I feel. Like I said, I still have moments but I was okay. In writing this book, and particularly in writing, I was writing a section about who do you need to forgive? And what do you need to release? And Holy Spirit brought to my mind? He said, you are disappointed in me. And I had to listen again. He say you were disappointed in me. And I don't say this lightly because I would never be disrespectful to God right? So even when I heard it, like, I can't be disappointed in God, I can't have bitterness in my heart towards God. Like, that is not okay, guys, like you can admit it. You can say it. You're disappointed that I never gave you a baby. Your heart is broken, that you never carried a birth a child. And you can say that you need to say you need to say it. So I began to say it. I said it to God. I said it to my husband. I'm I said I need to say out loud that I'm disappointed. I need to say out loud that my heart is broken. And not in a blaming way but just in an honest way. I need to identify. I need to confess it. I need to say that there is bitterness in my heart. Because I've never birth a child And in saying it. I feel freedom. And this is recently this is in the last couple of weeks that I wrote, this was not ever any thought in my mind that I would ever say much less right. But I had to in that moment, and I have to in this moment. So I begin to say, God, my heart is disappointed. Will you heal? Will you heal? God, my heart is broken. Because I've never had a child would you? Would you heal? This past weekend, I attended the permission conference with Dr. Jackie Greene. So powerful women's confidence, if you've never heard of it, you need to follow her and get her book call permission to live free. And there was a moment in the service. I don't remember who was speaking. But there was a moment in the service where they said, you know, you need to pray for your neighbor, right? And then they said, Look at your neighbor and ask them what they need prayer for. And there was something in me like, like, sisters, don't ask like, don't ask me just pray. Like, don't don't ask me to say this right now. Just Just pray, right. And of course, the lady on my right, looks over at me and says, What can I pray for? And I just said, I said, I'm disappointed that I never had a baby. And I need to pray for that. So she began to pray. She began to pray. And after that moment, immediately after that moment, Dr. Jackie Greene takes the microphone and she starts talking about women battling with infertility. And I'm like, Oh, God, like, I knew. I just knew when she started talking about it, that she was going to call folks to come to the altar, and knew it. And I knew I had to go. So she said, you know, if you're battling with infertility. Now, I remember it was a testimony, one of the women on on stage told the testimony that she was actually processing a miscarriage. A missed miscarriage at that moment. And following that. Testimony is when Dr. Dr. Jackie Greene said, comes out. So I went, I was like, Okay, God, because I mean, in that atmosphere, I was not willing to miss anything that God wanted to do. I wasn't willing to take anything back home with me, that he didn't want me to have, like, it was that kind of atmosphere where Heaven touches Earth, you know, and I wasn't willing to I don't care, embarrassment, work for frustration, whatever. I'm not willing to miss this moment. It was really a moment. So I went to the altar, and I laid on my face. I laid on my face. And I felt a couple of people come and pray over me. I don't know who they were. But I just cried and I screamed, and I just asked God, I said, God, I heal me. I release it. I release it. I released the disappointment. Heal me. I didn't ask God to give me a baby. Honestly, that is not my prayer. At this point. I asked God to heal me of the disappointment. That's what I desire. God heal me that disappointment. And after that moment, I felt free. And even in this moment, I feel free. You know, Mother's Day is coming in. Mother's Day is normally a day that I dread like, weeks heading into Mother's Day. And then the day of I just want to normally before before this moment, I wouldn't want to just be by myself and be left alone. Like, just let me let me because I know that grief is a part of the process. And I've accepted that. But not this Mother's Day is not going to be the same this year. I'm gonna celebrate. I'm gonna celebrate the blessing of baby girl. And even if there's a moment of grief, if there's a moment of sadness, I'm going to allow that and I'm going to admit it, but I'm not going to stay in my room with the covers over my head. I'm not going to isolate myself. I am not going to refuse to celebrate. And people have told me over the years Oh God has allowed you to mother 1000s of students and he's giving you you know your baby girl. your stepdaughter, and I'm grateful, I'm grateful. Absolutely, he has, he has maybe motherhood is not going to look the way that you want it. And that might be true. But that doesn't mean that I don't grieve over the desire that I had in my heart. It doesn't mean that I don't grieve over the story that I was carrying, right. So your disappointment may not be infertility, you may not even know the source of your disappointment, disappointment, you may not even realize you were disappointed. Before this moment, maybe you just didn't know why you felt frustrated, maybe you didn't understand why you feel. You feel like things are not in order, you feel like something is missing. Friend, if you've done all the things, and you still feel like there's more, you may be disappointed. You may feel frustrated that doing all the things has not produced, what you desired, or what you thought would happen. And in this space, I want you to know that the way to move through the disappointment, and to release the disappointment is to admit it. You need to confess it. You need to say I am disappointed. And you can say it to God. He's strong enough to handle your feelings, your emotions, your heart, your disappointment, your frustration, he can handle it. He's not so sensitive in that way. That he can't he knows anyway. He knows anyway, he's just waiting for you to hand it to him. He's waiting on you to release it. He's waiting on you to admit it. Father, I am disappointed. Father, my heart is broken. I feel like I have done all the things. And I am not where I feel like I should be. And I don't know how to get rid of this disappointment. Father, there's bitterness in my heart. I don't understand why things are worked out the way they work. I don't understand why things didn't work. I don't understand why the marriage didn't work. I don't understand why my baby was stillborn. I don't understand why I haven't been able to conceive. I don't understand why I lost that person that I love so much. I don't understand how why the business didn't work. I don't understand God. I don't understand. And I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed that it feels like you didn't come through for me. You can say it. God, my heart is broken. I feel like you didn't come through for me. I know you're good. But this don't feel good right now. I know you're good. But this don't feel good right now, Father, I believe but Help my unbelief. You can be honest with the Father. You can be honest with God, and to move through your disappointment you need to be you need to be honest. You need to confess it. You need to say it to him. Don't bury it. Don't push it into a closet. Don't push it into a corner and throw something over it to hide it. Reveal. Confess. Share with the father what you're going through what you're feeling. He knows but he needs you to admit it. And when you admit it, ask him to he'll ask him to heal it. And he will. He will. He will. If you are battling with disappoint. And you need support. You need a midwife you need a community you need folks to help you walk through it. People who understand you are welcomed to join us in the heart work Academy. Go to heart work academy.com heart, work academy.com Join us. This is the place where we do the heart work, which is the hard work. But is the word the work is the work that is going to release you to do everything and be everything that God created you to be nothing else will set is fine. Nothing else will satisfy, except being full of him and being everything that He created you to be. And it's time. So you need to come on in and join us. I pray that your heart is released today. I pray that you receive permission to admit to confess the disappointment in your heart. And I pray right now in the name of Jesus that as you confess that He will heal and know he will because he's doing it for me. I know he will. As always you are powerful. You are significant. And you are love always PPG come join us