92. Beauty Beyond the Shame with Tonya Bailey Jones

This week on Disrupting Burnout, I’m joined by Tonya Bailey Jones, a Woman Who Defines Disruption by helping women find a life of beauty beyond shame. 

Tonya Bailey Jones is a wife, mother, grand-mother, coach, transformational speaker and a retired Naval Officer. After years of trepidation, apprehension and self-discovery, Tonya turned decades of darkness, depression and despair into obedience and walking in God's calling for her life. 

As the creator and host of "Beauty Beyond the Ashes Podcast with Tonya B. Jones", Tonya encourages women of faith to live beyond the guilt, shame and regret of their past choices and live in the fullness of who God created them to be. 

03:00 - Tonya’s Story

09:30 - Finding The Courage to Overcome Shame 

13:25 - UNMASK Yourself

21:15 - Go Back & Do The Work

29:45 - God Will Use Your Story  

Beauty Beyond the Shame Takeaways
●      “It was a mistake that I had made, but that mistake became me.” - Tonya Bailey Jones

●      “Until I address the thing that is hurting me most, I wouldn't move to that next step.” - Tonya Bailey Jones 

●      “The emotion that separated us from God from the very beginning is shame.” - Dr. PBJ

●      “The lie of the devil that keeps us separated from God.” - Tonya Bailey Jones

●      “What my purpose is to help to disrupt the lie of the enemy.” - Tonya Bailey Jones 

●      “There is nothing you can do to separate yourself from the love of God.” - Dr. PBJ 

●      “You can not judge the 17 year old Tonya by your 50 year old knowledge.” - Tonya Bailey Jones 

●      “It might be hard but it’s going to be worth it.” - Tonya Bailey Jones 

●      “You have to go back and do the work where the injury happened.” - Tonya Bailey Jones 

●      “God is using the very thing that the devil meant to break me.” - Tonya Bailey Jones  

Connect With Tonya:
Website: https://tonyabjones.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/blessed1_t2w/

Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/thetonyabjones

Beauty Beyond The Ashes Podcast: https://www.tonyabjones.com/podcast

Connect with Dr. PBJ
●               To connect with Dr. PBJ, go topatricebucknerjackson.com

●               Follow Dr. PBJ on IG@drpatricebucknerjackson for#aspoonfulofpbj.

●               Need a dynamic transformational speaker?  Dr. PBJ is ready to serve.  Check outDr. PBJ Speaks | https://www.patricebucknerjackson.com/speaking

●               Support The Show |https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/lovepbj?locale.x=en_US 

Transcript

0:00

If you can put that in your mind what God said about you, and meditate that and get that all into your heart, then you can really disrupt Hey friends, welcome to another episode in our series called women who define disruption. Listen, I need to hear from you all you need to say something in the comments. You need to leave a review something to let me know that these stories are blessing your life. I know they are. I know. These women are a blessing. But I want to hear from you. I want these women to hear from you. I want other listeners to hear from you of how these episodes are impacting your life. So you be sure to share this episode, but also leave a comment and let us know what you think. Listen today. Today, today, I am introducing you all to a powerhouse of a woman. Listen, when I think about her I think about a quiet storm. That's what I get yourself ready. Get yourself ready. Tonya Bailey Jones is one of my sisters. She is a retired naval officer. She's a wife. She's a mom. She's a grandmother with her fly sail. She's also a transformational speaker. She created her podcast beauty beyond the acids. She's the host of her past. Listen, this is a bad woman you hear me? But Oh, does she have a story to tell? So I am so honored to introduce you all to my sister. My friend, Tonya Bailey Jones, welcome to disrupting burnout, Tonya, oh, my goodness, thank you so much. First of all that introduction. I have to try to live up to that now. You created that introduction. You already live in that system. Oh my god, I'm so happy to be here. And I'm honored that you would allow me to take up space with your your audience. I know you have a story. And you have shared with me. We have walked together through something. So the fact that you're willing to share with us today. I definitely want I'm honored. I'm honored. I will before we get started, I want to give a trigger warning. For anyone who has been through abortion or has experienced it in any way or been connected to someone. I just wanted want folks to take care of themselves. I want folks to take care of themselves. But I want you to tell your story sister in the way that you always do. So tell us who you are telling you Bailey Jones. What are you you've spent such a mouthful already. I am a retired naval officer. I retired back in 2015. And it was actually then that I began to go on a search to figure out who taught me what, because I had lost my identity. In the military, the military defined me it. It gave me purpose. And so when I retired, I felt who am I? What am I doing what's what's my purpose? So I tried to do all kinds of stuff. I became the pastor's assistant at my church. I was in in school with Dallas Theological Seminary because I wanted to teach. Then I became a real estate agent. And then God began to poke me. Things things needed to change. I found myself just just struggling trying to figure out what my purpose was in life and sitting in bed one night, with my husband fast asleep at my side. And all of these thoughts were rolling through my head, what is your purpose? Why are you even here? Like these worthless thoughts, and I'm crying in bed and I'm looking at the hawk and it's it's moving so quickly. I can actually hear the tick of the clock even though the clock was a digital clock. That's how loud my thoughts were to me. And I reached over and awakened my husband and he was wondering what was wrong with me? Why was I crying so much? What I couldn't even speak and tell him what was going on. And it was in that moment, I really thought I was losing my mind. I was having a nervous breakdown simply because the thoughts that were in my head, and the lack of purpose in my life. Were just overwhelming to me. And it was that night, I promised my husband that I would seek help. And you have always said that we needed three things. community counseling, and cold coaching. Yeah, yeah, counseling and coaching. And I began with counseling. And one of the things that my counselor told me is, we don't do superficial, we go deep. And I knew that I had to go deep, I knew that there was something there that was blocking me from going to that next step. And as I began coaching, counseling, I started in coaching programs and, and you became my mindset coach. And I knew that my abortion at 17 had totally disrupted my life, it had changed who I was it it actually began to define who I was, it was a mistake I had made, but that mistake became me. And I looked at myself as the problem, the bad thing. So I began to wear a mask, I put on a mask, and then being in the military, oh, I could wear that mask very well. I became commander Bailey. That's who I was. And I wore that masks very well. And as I was trying to get to who I was, you helped me to define things in my life that had happened, and that it was okay to go back and really address those things. And that one thing that had been nagging me was my abortion at 17. And from that abortion at 17, I began to make so many different choices that were not good for me. I went on, even in the military, I was a Christian. I knew God. I loved God, I wanted to walk his ways, but I continued to make decisions that hurt me. And those decisions, I had another abortion. And I think I had a third one, my memory is not there of it, I just have flashes of something that makes me think I had that. So here I am at the age of 50. Having that partial nervous breakdown in the bed, wondering, what is my life come to Why have I made these decisions? Why? What's going on? And God worked with me through you and the other ladies that were in our group and with Patrice, and I began to understand that, that the abortion really it really tore me in a way from God that I couldn't, I couldn't explain and until I addressed how I felt, there was always a block in between God and me, no matter how, how many classes I took, how many Bible courses I was in, no, no matter how many women's retreat I went to, until I address the thing that was hurting me most. I wouldn't move to that next step. Oh, my gosh, okay, I just want to let me step in here for a minute. And first of all, just thank you. Thank you for sharing your story, not just here, but on your podcast on stages. I've heard you, Tanya minister, to women who wear this mask, especially women in the church, we've got to act like we got it all together. We've got to act like we've never been through anything, that we've never done anything that our house is perfect. Our family is perfect. Our children are perfect. And I have heard you minister to say that we are loved. And we are significant, regardless of what we have been through. So thank you for allowing your story to give us permission to tell our story. I also want to talk a little bit about the shame that you mentioned and that you have described. I noticed something the other day that I've never seen before Tanya I was I was reading I think it's in Genesis three right where Adam and Eve had bitten the fruit. And you know, they recognized that they were naked and they made coverings for themselves and they started hiding. And in this particular translation of the Bible is said they felt shame. And it hit me like a ton of bricks in that moment, because I never put it together that the first negative emotion. That man Phil was saying, Wow, I never saw it that way before. I don't know if I've read that verse in that translation before. But I didn't. I think it was new living, I could be wrong. But it specifically said, they felt shame. me like, wow, the emotion that separated us from God, from the very beginning, is saying, yes. And this, and I want to say this to any woman who has experienced abortion or whatever you've been through, keep listening. And I want you to hear because you are not condemned here. You are supported here. You are loved here. But I want you to also know that the emotions that we feel, from the trauma that we have been through those emotions can separate us from God. Because you described how what you've been what you went through, started to define you, and you lost who you were, because you begin to identify yourself by your trauma. That's right. But then that that rock bottom that you hit that moment, in your mental health in your soul, that soul breaking moment that you hit, it caused you to make the decision to face those emotions. Yes. And that's not an easy thing to do, Tanya. So where did you find the courage to face those emotions. Finding the courage was in in my community, my community came around me. And I remember one day, you must have felt something in me because you stopped the entire class and you pray for me. You prayed for me. And it was those moments that gave me the courage. And I'm so glad you brought up about Adam and Eve, and how Shane was that first emotion, because it's, it's the lie of the devil. It is the lie of the devil that keeps us separated from God. And I love that you talk about disruption. Because what I do, and what my purpose is, is to help to disrupt the lie of the enemy. to women, especially women of faith, as you describe, who allow the devil to keep them in this shackled to the shame of of mistakes they've made in the past, which you can't be all God called you to be if you're believing the devil's of the lie, and living shackled to shame. And he will keep you there, he will isolate you, he will continue to pump these lies into your mind. So until you bring yourself if you need counseling, get it, bring yourself into community and have someone coach you through these emotions. And one of the things that I do is a method called unmask and that's removing all this stuff. In each each category un ma s k has something that you do. And I'm going to tell you about the first to the U is to untangle all these weeds that we have in our head. And that's where we're disrupting we're going to disrupt what the devil has told us we're going to disrupt and remove all of these lies, we have to separate the facts and our feelings from the feelings that we've we had during that mistake and mine was that I couldn't be all that I could be. If I had a child at that age. Mine was there. My mom wouldn't love me anymore if I had a baby at 17. So I did I made the choice because I believe the lies of Satan, I wasn't able to disrupt those lies. So now it's my job to go back and untangle those lies to take the truth and want on one side and those lies on the other. Then we have to define shame from guilt. Okay. Guilt means that I feel bad about what I did. When that guilt gets out of control. Then we have shame. We live in shame that saying I am what I did. Not that I made a bad choice. No, I am a bad choice. That's we have to untangle all of that. And then for the end, we have to narrate your story and tell your truth. This is again disrupting the lies. Because if we tell our own truth, tell our ourselves the truth, then we can begin to disrupt with it what Satan had us believing and walk into what God has said for us. So I made the choice of abortion, I have to, I have to live up to the choice that I made, and accept that truth. Sit in that truth, that's not easy to do by yourself, is not easy to do by yourself. And that's why coaching and community are so important. And if like me, you had some depression, you had some anxiety, you're going to need some counseling in that as well. But when you can take all of this, and put it together, oh, how you can disrupt the lives of Satan. You can do what you can, you can understand who you are in God. And in the Met, the unmask the human, the end, we talked about that. But that em, meditate on God's word. That's where your truth is. That's where the enemy cannot. If you can put that in your mind what God said about you, and meditate that and get that all into your heart, then you can really disrupt disruption will happen. Yes. Listen, I know, it's been a while since I came to you in this way. But I got something to share with you, you all know that I'm in the process of writing this book. And as I'm doing this, there are strategies and ideas and, and thoughts that are coming to me that I've never had, and I'm so full, I can't wait to get it to you. And the book is coming this year. But I can't wait until then I'm seeing the evidence in my life. And in the lives of folks that I'm coaching one on one. And God has laid it on my heart to create something for folks who may be interested in one on one coaching, but you can't afford it. It doesn't fit into your budget. Or maybe you're curious about coaching, but you've never had that experience before. This is for folks who feel like you're marching in place. Like you're putting in all the effort, but you're not moving forward, you feel buried, and you're ready to move into brilliance, I'm ready to share out. I've got some strategies, I've got some things to work through with you. Listen, friends, this is not going to be fancy. There's no fancy sales page. There's no course platform, this is going to be us meeting once a month through zoom, for me to pour out to you what I have and to support you in your journey. That's it. That's it. This is 40, not 40. This is 3030 bucks a month. And there has to be some kind of investment. Or I've learned that people don't show up, right. But at that level, you deserve $30 a month, you can find $30 A month. So if you have wanted to work with me, but just couldn't find it in your budget. If you've been curious about coaching and just not sure if it was a good fit for you jump in on the HEartwork Academy 2023 I have an even if we work together before a friend, you ain't seen this yet. You haven't seen this yet. I am so ready. I'm so thankful. And I'm ready to share with you and I'm ready to support you. Okay, so listen, if you're interested, join with the link here. Fill out the form, join us in the HEartwork Academy will kick off in May. We'll meet once a month on Zoom. And we're gonna walk this thing out together. Nothing fancy, but let's just get it done. It's time for you to live in brilliance. You need to know what it means to show up in practice every day. And I'm ready to help you. All right. I can't wait to hear from you. And I'm excited to serve you. I'll see you soon. Bye ah so let's talk about just for a moment, the lies because I want whoever is listening, and maybe your story is not abortion, maybe you've been through something else. Maybe you've done something else or maybe you've been traumatized in some way. Here's the truth. You are loved. Absolutely. blank, period. End of story. You are loved. There is nothing that you can do to separate yourself from the love of God. Nothing, nothing. There's nothing. So I just need to declare that and have somebody here that garlis of your own thoughts the enemy starts what others have said to you or about you. You are loved. That's One of the reasons why in every podcast, you are powerful, you are significant, and you are loved. And that may sound strange to some people. But why would you say you love somebody you've never met because I do. And because I know your heavenly Father loves you. And we don't hear it often enough. So I want you to know that you are powerful, you're significant, and you are loved. And you can turn your pain into purpose, telling you the other thing that I want to honor you for. So because you just told us, okay, you are a grown woman, with the whole family, married, retired, have done wonderful things in your life. And you made the decision to go back and love on 17 year old telling you can we talk about that for a minute, because there are women who have passed that phase of life have passed that season of life, and they are moving on, and people around them might not even know, people might not even know what they've been through, maybe they went through it alone, that is over and may have pushed it into the past, wipe my hands that I'm done. What made you go back and love on 17 year old. I'm gonna tell you what my counselor told me. He told me you cannot judge the 17 year old Tanya, by your 50 year old knowledge. When he said that I rejected that. I didn't hear that. I didn't. Because of where I was, I had to grow into understanding that thought. And I know you talk a lot about hard work. My first two podcasts are called Hard work is hard work. Part One and Part Two. That's I have to make a two part on that. Because it is hard work. But it's so worth it. And being able to, to go back is a decision. It is it is a decision. That's not an easy decision to make. But being in community, being in prayer, and having the understanding that it might be hard, but it's going to be worth it in this person is going to hold my hand through it. I can do it. And that's how I felt. That's when he told me that. And I came to you guys. In the beginning I only told you guys about one abortion. So shame. I was so I was trying to get over the fat and say the word abortion. And except that this was my plight, this was the thing that I had to fight now. Right? So I had to go back and think about what was going on at the time. And when my counselor saying we don't do superficial work, this is what he meant. You have to go back and do do that work where the injury happened. The injury happened when I was 17 years old. And 33 years later, I was doing it was a month but it was September 2020. And I was turning 50 in October 2012. And in where I was what I was feeling, I wanted to feel when people would say, Oh, God spoke to me and who got this I was to meet him that way. Why can't I feel him? I want to feel him lightning is not just saying that all this time God wasn't using me because he was is not to say God was with me because he was. But in that moment, I knew that I didn't have something with God. And I wanted it so badly. I was willing to go through anything to get that connection. And it was a shame. It was a shame that I allowed to tell myself that you're not worried. You're not loved that you're not lovable. And I want the audience to know this is not an audible thing you say to yourself, you don't sit and say, Oh, I'm unlovable. Oh, no, it's a feeling that it's the lies at the enemy that goes into your head and then meditates down into your heart. The same way in order to disrupt those thoughts. You have to say, the truth of God and when had meditated to your heart. Oh, that's good. That's good. You just gave us a tool, you just gave us a tool. Because what you taught us is, what we meditate on is what's going to manifest. So if I continue, and the word meditate literally means to roll around in your mind, or to mutter, to say it over and over and over. So whatever I say, I'm going to have the thing that I say over and over and over, and if I say, I'm not significant, if I say I'm not good enough, if I say I'm bad, then that is what's going to be in my heart. That's what I'm going to believe. And that is what's going to manifest in my action. But if I begin, that's why we don't just read the Word of God. That's why we don't just listen to a sermon, but you have to say it, you have to meditate, you have to mutter it, you need to say it, because whatever you say, over and over, it transports from your head to your heart. And once it gets in your heart, it's going to manifest in your hands, it's going to manifest in your behavior. You reminded me of something I heard, Pastor Darius Daniels recently preaching, and he was talking about how when he was a young man, he I think it was his father, he and his dad were playing basketball. And his father jammed his finger, didn't go get medical attention, just okay, no big deal, whatever. So now, his father has a bent finger. And he went recently to see if there was anything to be done with it. And the doctor said, I can fix it, but I have to break it. I can fix it. But I have to break it. If he had gone to get attention to the injury, when it happened, then he would not be in the bent state today. But because he did not get attention to the injury when it happened. It created a bent state. And so many of us are operating. We're working. We're serving, we're ministering. We're getting married. We're having children. We're doing all the things, but we're in a bad state. That was me. Yes, ma'am. We're in a bit state and what you did what 50 year old Tonya decided to do for 17 year old Tonya is even though it might break me, I'm gonna go back and he'll go, I'm gonna have to revisit this injury that has long healed, but healed and correctly. That has a scar. What let me rephrase. It has a scar, but it didn't heal. Yeah, it has a scar, just because it has a scar doesn't mean it's healed. So I'm gonna have to go back and allow somebody to dig around in that painful place. Physically, that's your surgeon, but psychologically, that's your counselor. You see what I'm saying? And let me just say this, this is not work that you do alone. No, hear us. Know, hear us. This is not the kind of work that you do alone. This is not the kind of work that you let the wrong people do for you or with you. You need people who are equipped. And I'm not just talking about your pastor, I'm talking about the Word of God. But I'm also talking about counseling therapists, you need people who are experienced skilled and equipped to walk you through this type of healing journey. So please be wise. Please be wise. But I had to identify that Tonya because you could have kept going and people around you may not have known but your soul knew your soul your mind your wheeling your emotions, your soul knew. That's what that breaking was. That long night was that's what that I feel like I'm losing my mind was your soul saying, Hey, we are injured, and this has never healed. This has never healed. So talk to me, Tonya about now that you have and continue to do the work. Yes, because I know you do you share that with me. You continue to do the work. So now that you are on your healing journey. How has God used your journey to allow you to bless other women? Oh my god. Dr. PDGA. I am astonished at how God has used me that long Anything that I had that people would talk about, like hearing from God and, and discernment from God, and he shows me like daily, how, just saying yes to Him surrendering to Him, and allowing him to use me in the, in the place that hurt me the most is what he's using in the world as my purpose. And I will tell you my main why I use I use this young lady, she was at my first keynote speech, she came to it, and she was pregnant at the time. This sweet young lady came to a center that I work at, it's a pregnancy center. And she This was her third child, and she was contemplating abortion. And when when we're in that moment, we're confused. We're scared. We're listening to the last Satan as he's going to do. So we think the best thing is to have an abortion. I was able to be there, they called me, I came in, and I sat with her, I took her out to the lake for two hours. And we just sat and we talked. And I shared my story with her. I shared how I felt a share what decisions I wish had I had made. And I also shared the truth of my situation. I thought I couldn't do it, but I could have, I thought my parents will be disappointed, but they will be okay. And that was her big thing. My mom is going to disown me, my family has already said if I bring another baby, they're not going to you know, do this or they're not going to do that. I'm so excited to say that my soon to be God's son, she has asked me to be the God parent of her son is one month. Anytime that I doubt that, what God has brought me through all the pain all the way back from 17. Anytime I doubted, I look at that. I'm looking at just that one thing, because he's shown me many things. I've had many people call me and say different things. One, a very close friend of mine who was at my keynote, I didn't know she had an abortion before. But she told me she and her husband had had an abortion. And they never talked about it. Since that night, after she heard my keynote, she went home and her husband and her had a conversation about that for the very first time. For the very first time in 12 years, telling me that's not healing in a marriage. Just those things, just let me know that God is using the very thing that the devil meant to break me. This was building me up and God's kingdom because he can use us folly, when we come out of hiding when we remove the mask, and we do the work to uncover and disrupt the lies of Satan. Oh my goodness. Tanya, I'm so grateful for you. And I'm so grateful for the way you turn your pain into purpose. And that you are allowing other women into your journey and supporting them through this. Yes, I celebrate you. Thank you. Oh, honor, and praise to God. And I thank him for bringing you into my life. I do because it was it was a mindset work. It was it was what I was telling myself the fear and you helped me to disrupt the field. Is My honor is my honor is my honor to work with you to love you. to journey with you. It is my honor. Such God work is in that's what it is like you help me then I help the next person, the next person. That's how God works. That's how his kingdom works. That's exactly yes. I know that there are people who need to hear more. I know recently on your podcast, you told your whole story. So please let people know how can they hear more from you? How can they connect with you? How can they work with you please let them Oh, well I have my podcast, of course is beauty beyond the ashes with Tanya V. Jones, and it's on all of the listening platforms. If you're not sure where to find that, I use Buzzsprout. So you will be able to go to Buzzsprout and find that. My website is Tanya B jones.com. I have my program on there. I have my story on there. I have my contact information on there. Facebook, Tonya Bailey Jones, and Instagram is blessed. The number one, underscore t two w yes for Titus two woman, because that's what I'm here for. Help the last one. I love it. I love it. We will have all of Tonya's information in the show notes. So make sure you scroll down and get all of that information. Follow her listen to the podcast, reach out. If you are on your own healing journey, reach out. And we were unmasking you and come on reveal your true beauty and God. Absolutely. Oh, I'm so proud of you. I love it. I love you. I love you. Listen, friends, thank you for sharing with us. Thank you for listening. Share this with somebody who needs to hear it. Somebody needs to know that they're loved. Somebody needs to know that the shame is a lie. And they are powerful, and there's purpose in their pain. So you'll be sure to share this. And as always, Tonya and I want you to know that you are powerful. You are significant. And you are loved. Love always PBJ See y'all later