Have you ever felt like your world is spinning too fast and you're on the brink of losing everything that matters to you? That's precisely where I found myself in 2012—a year that should have been filled with joy but instead brought me to the edge of burnout. Join me as I recount the transformative journey of that pivotal year, when the absence of personal boundaries nearly cost me my relationships, health, and faith. It's a tale of triumph and caution, as I learned to erect the walls necessary to protect my inner citadel. By sharing my experience, I hope you'll gain insights into how to fortify your own life against the relentless demands that threaten to breach your limits.
This episode isn't just my story—it's a blueprint for anyone looking to reclaim control over their life. We'll chart a course through the CIA method, an invaluable strategy for decluttering your mental landscape and focusing on what truly matters. I'll walk you through conducting your very own energy audit and show you how to sort through life's endless to-dos by categorizing them into what you can control, influence, and simply need to accept. It's about small, consistent steps toward a harmonious balance where your values shine like beacons, guiding you away from the chaos of burnout and towards the serenity of well-guarded boundaries. So come along, and let's embark on this journey of self-preservation and purposeful living.
Have you ever felt like your world is spinning too fast and you're on the brink of losing everything that matters to you? That's precisely where I found myself in 2012—a year that should have been filled with joy but instead brought me to the edge of burnout. Join me as I recount the transformative journey of that pivotal year, when the absence of personal boundaries nearly cost me my relationships, health, and faith. It's a tale of triumph and caution, as I learned to erect the walls necessary to protect my inner citadel. By sharing my experience, I hope you'll gain insights into how to fortify your own life against the relentless demands that threaten to breach your limits.
This episode isn't just my story—it's a blueprint for anyone looking to reclaim control over their life. We'll chart a course through the CIA method, an invaluable strategy for decluttering your mental landscape and focusing on what truly matters. I'll walk you through conducting your very own energy audit and show you how to sort through life's endless to-dos by categorizing them into what you can control, influence, and simply need to accept. It's about small, consistent steps toward a harmonious balance where your values shine like beacons, guiding you away from the chaos of burnout and towards the serenity of well-guarded boundaries. So come along, and let's embark on this journey of self-preservation and purposeful living.
Chapter 8. Build your Boundaries. The year 2012 was my year, I'm telling you. The heavens opened and everything I desired at that point poured into my life. In the preceding years, I'd felt like I was drowning in a waiting place. You know that place where you're doing everything you know to do but it seems nothing you desire comes your way. I was single, childless and frustrated. I was going the extra mile at work and taking all the extra assignments. I was doing all the things we've been taught a good woman should do. Despite all that, I was just waiting. I was grinding, working and serving, but none of that effort seemed fruitful. Was there something wrong with me? Was God angry with me? I just didn't understand why it was taking so long. I wondered if I had done something wrong to make me ineligible for the blessings I desired.
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Then came 2012. That year, I met God, engaged to and married the love of my life. Oh yeah, we don't waste time around here. By marrying Edward, I became Mama, patrice to Baby Girl. I completed my coursework towards my doctoral degree. The only thing left to do was to write my dissertation. I was also promoted to Dean of Students at work.
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As you can see, it was all about me in 2012. I received everything I desired in my life in a matter of months. I was no longer walking on the ground, I was floating through life. It was my year, until it wasn't, by October 2012,. I was in tears much of the time, overwhelmed. I didn't know how to carry all my blessings. I quickly realized everything I had longed for, prayed for and waited for came with new responsibilities. And what was I to do? Was I to go to my new husband, for whom I had waited all my life, and explained that if he just showed me some grace, I'd grind it out at my new job and come back later to be a good wife? Or was I to explain to my new daughter how I was so grateful she wanted to be a part of my life, but I had school and work going on and if she would just give me a little grace then I could come back and build a relationship? Or was I to go to my new boss and explain that I had this wonderful new family and if she would just let me get away with the bare minimum for a little while, I would come back later and do everything I could to do a good job?
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None of that was an option. What was I willing to let fall? What was I willing to give up? None of it. I had to find a way to make it all work. I didn't know how to handle competing priorities without hurting myself and the ones I love. I tried time management tactics which allowed me to be more productive at times, but none of them protected me or my family from the consequences of burnout. After all that waiting to have a family, I almost lost them. I tried to make it work for years.
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The day I left my job in 2019, I was hanging on by a thread because I had no limits. I felt like I had no protection. That day, when it all fell apart, I needed help. I needed to call somebody to come get me, but I couldn't even open the office door. I was worried because I knew somebody would be standing on the other side of the door who needed me. I was empty and broken. Failure to set and enforce boundaries in my life left me vulnerable to the cycle of burnout.
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To disrupt the cycle and protect everything and everyone who means most to you, you must build boundaries that protect your soul. Building boundaries is the second hard work strategy we need to discuss Boundaries are safety. Think of your boundaries as the walls of an ancient city. Ancient cities were fortified by a stone wall several feet high and several feet deep. The wall surrounded a city, not for isolation but for protection. Watchmen on the wall controlled access to the city. They had the authority to let down the drawbridge to allow allies to enter or to welcome citizens back home. The watchmen also had authority to protect the wall from a breach of any kind.
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You are responsible for watching over your boundaries. As they watch over those city walls. You determine who or what may gain access to your soul. If you do not have boundary walls, your soul is vulnerable, exposed and trapped in the cycle of burnout. If you do not honor your walls, you might as well not have them. When your walls are weak, you lose control over access to your soul. When you fail to honor your walls, you allow everything and every person to have access to you.
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Here are some signs. You need more or stronger boundaries. You find yourself resentful in helping others. You say yes, but you become frustrated when you need to carry out the yes. You have trouble saying no. You have a strong desire to isolate yourself, so no one else asks you for anything. You fail to connect with others because you're afraid they will need something from you. Working, serving and giving are in conflict in your heart. You feel responsible for rescuing others. You feel misused and abused. Don't take advantage of your kindness. You often think what will they do without me?
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Adopting someone else's boundary that catches your attention on social media is not enough. My friend, dr Ramota Lawrence, calls this boundary borrowing imposter boundaries. Imposter boundaries will be more of a hindrance than help to you, because the boundaries of another person will not fit for your needs. Just observing a list of rules for your life isn't the answer here. Boundaries go beyond a cute social media post or a scribble in your new journal. Boundaries that work must be based on your values, the precious aspects of your life that you're unwilling to lose. Boundaries protect what means most to you. Boundaries give you control. It's a mistake to think your boundaries will control any other person. Your boundaries should focus on your own behavior. Psychologist, professor and the host of the Mind your Mental Podcast, dr Raquel Martin, offers an example of a boundary on her Instagram post called Boundaries vs Rules when you raise your voice, I will not engage. This boundary allows the other person to raise their voice if they desire. But the woman with the boundaries has decided how she will or will not respond.
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Boundary work is very specific. You need to make sure your energy is being spent in the most productive ways. When I say energy, I'm referring to your time, effort, emotions and attention. You have a limited supply of energy, so you must be a good steward of it. You cannot fix all the things, and some things are not yours to fix. To be effective in building boundaries, you need to establish your line of ownership. I call this your no line. Think of the no line like a property line in your soul. To build a fence in your yard, you must first identify where your neighbor's property ends and yours begins. Where is the property line for what physically, mentally and spiritually belongs to you? Where is the line between the action you need to take and the work that belongs to another person in your life? Building boundaries is about controlling what you need to control and releasing what does not belong to you.
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As I coach clients, I find many women cannot differentiate between their own responsibilities and the responsibilities of others. They submerge themselves in the ideas, opinions and traumas of others so often that they cannot tell the difference between their baggage and the baggage of another person. Their compassion drives them to dive deeply into other people's worlds. The damage of that compassionate drive, when they haven't identified their no line, is they take personal responsibility for someone else's journey. Whose bags are you carrying? Does it belong to your spouse, child, parents, coworker or boss? Whose bags have you picked up because you failed to realize you'd crossed your own no line? You must learn how to set boundaries that allow you to serve to the level you're called to serve, while giving your people the honor of their own journey, choices and decisions. If not, your help turns into a hindrance for the people you care so much about and you become a stumbling block for the people you desire to help.
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In the critically reflective practitioner, sue and Neil Thompson present the CIA framework, which stands for control, influence and accept, as a guideline for working through challenges in leadership. Many practitioners use this model as a tool for stress management, but it's also exceptionally powerful in helping you build your boundaries. Allow me to add a little spoonful of PBJ to the CIA model. Let's walk through it to determine how you can make the best use of your energy. Let's start with the most difficult part Accept. If you are a fixer, this phase will be challenging. Here you begin to release things that are not in your control. Specifically, if you don't have knowledge, skills, ability, experience, access and authority to make progress in a specific area, you need to release it. This is the no line. Accepting doesn't mean you don't care, nor does acceptance mean you're not directly impacted. Acceptance means you realize you are not in position to make change or progress in that area, so you decide to stop putting your energy there.
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During the pandemic of 2020, I could not control political decisions or COVID mandates. I was directly impacted by many decisions concerning my job, but I had no access or authority to do anything about them. I had to redirect my time, attention, emotions and efforts to areas where I could make some progress, like protecting my own health, caring for my family and responding to the needs of my students. I found there was plenty I could accomplish within my own control without wasting energy in areas I could not control. Continuing to toil in areas where you need to accept will make you feel like a hamster on a wheel, exhausted and making no progress. A lack of progress fuels frustration, and lingering frustration is a portal directly into the cycle of burnout.
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Here's the tricky part about acceptance. You may very well have knowledge, skills, ability and experience in the area, you may even have the right answer, but, friend, if you don't have access and authority, you're not in position to make progress there. Accepting does not mean you will never give energy in this area. It just means, at the current moment, accepting is the most productive thing for you to do. You can revisit and make a different decision if circumstances change in the future. Consider all the challenges taking up mental real estate in your heart right now Challenges at work, family members. You're concerned for the state of the world. Are you equipped and positioned to make a difference in those areas? If so, make a plan and take action. If not, you need to release it. Release it in prayer, release it through journaling. Do whatever you need to do to let go so you can make the most productive use of your energy.
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Now let's move on to influence. You need to put some energy where you have influence, but not most of your energy. Influence means you have access. You may have the ear of the decision maker or a seat at the table or some other way to make a positive impact, but complete authority does not belong to you. With influence, either the full decision is up to someone else or you need to collaborate to make the decision. In your areas of influence, you have some knowledge, skills, ability, experience and access, but the authority lies with another person or involves another person.
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My baby girl is in her early 20s and I accept I do not control her life. Honestly, I didn't control her when she was 12. The authority was always her own. Edward and I have major influence in her life through the ways we love her, support her, teach her and model for her, but the decisions about her life are hers. We're fortunate that her decisions often align with our family values, but we don't take credit for that, like we don't take responsibility when her decisions fail to align with our values. The authority, decisions and consequences all belong to baby girl. I honor my influence in her life and intentionally decide how I need to apply that influence, but I always respect her authority to decide.
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Where do you have influence and how do you want to use it. Who else is involved or impacted? Who has authority in each area? What access to or influence on people involved do you have? How do you want to use that influence. Let's look at some influential actions to consider.
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Say something. Share your thoughts, opinions, concerns and ideas. Be empowered to share, even when your opinion deviates from the majority's thought on the matter. Determine when you feel safe enough to speak up. Your voice matters and you have something to say. Show up. Do not underestimate the power of your presence. Sometimes just being in the room has an impact. Show up at school events for your children. Be seen at extra work events. Show up at the town hall meeting. Be present even when you have nothing to say. Your presence brings influence.
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Choose silence. Sometimes, the most powerful thing we can do is be silent. Our culture is uncomfortable with silence. We feel pressure to fill the air with knowledge and solutions. However, there are times when our solutions are not helpful. It's amazing how people can figure things out when we don't automatically swoop in to save the day. Make space for folks to use their own minds. Allow your silence to provoke your people to problem solve for themselves.
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Now let's talk about control. If you have knowledge, skills, ability, experience, access and authority, you have control. Friend, these are the areas in your life where you will see the most progress. These are the areas where you should invest your time, attention, efforts and emotion. The ball is in your court. What is in your control? Concerning my health I don't control my DNA, but I do control how I move my body and what I eat. Concerning my family I don't control the actions of my husband or my daughter, but I do control how I love them and how I share my own needs and boundaries with them. Concerning my faith I don't control God. I cannot manipulate him to do what I want him to do, but I do control my own spiritual disciplines. I have full authority on how I express my faith and how I grow in faith through my dedication to disciplines like prayer, reading, worship and giving. By focusing on what you control, you will see the most progress in the areas that mean most to you. What do you control, friend? What actions have you identified that are completely within your authority? Your boundaries are about your own control. Change your boundaries. Building boundaries that work starts with determining your values.
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This is not about philosophical ideas of integrity. Instead, consider the aspects of life that mean the most to you. Simply put, what are you unwilling to lose? Remember, burnout is a thief. It comes to steal everything that means most to you. When I was burned out. My health, my most significant relationships and my faith were all in jeopardy. I didn't take care of my body. My child felt like she needed an appointment to spend time with me while I was available for everyone else's children, and my spiritual disciplines were all lacking. I was a mess. I left everything that meant the most to me vulnerable in the name of doing good for others. I had no walls. Look around you. Is there anything significant to you that's damaged right now? Are your body, mind, heart or relationships screaming out to you for change? What means most to you in the whole wide world? If you were forced to give it all up, what would hurt you most to release? I am unwilling to lose my time, my family, my health and my faith. Your turn, what are you unwilling to lose? Put your list in your disrupting burnout journal.
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The next step of building boundaries is to establish your anchor. Your why is your anchor? Because the power is always in the why. Why are you unwilling to lose those pieces of your life? It's one thing to declare your health is important to you, but it doesn't become personal until you know why. Without the why, you may resort to what culture or other people have determined should be important to you instead of what matters to your own soul. After you make a list of what you are unwilling to lose, write why that part of your life is so important to you. Document your anchor for each core value why are you unwilling to lose each valued element of your life? Make sure the why is your own and not what you feel you need to say. Let's look at my value of time, for example. Time is the only resource I cannot make, buy or find more of. We all have the same limited amount of time as long as we wake up and breathe. It is my responsibility to maximize this valuable resource freely given to me by God. Your turn. Why is each value so precious to you? Write your why for each value in your disrupting burnout journal.
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Now that you've established your values and you know why each is important to you, imagine a new normal in each area. What do you want to see? What do you want to experience? What do you want your life to look like? Be specific, friend. Write the vision and release the outcome. Write exactly what you would love to see, with no pressure to produce exactly what you wrote. Don't limit your vision to just what you believe you can produce. This is an opportunity to give God something to bless, as my coach, patrice Washington, encourages us to do. Make room for his super to be added to your natural Dream friend.
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Write the vision for each value. Here's an example of my vision for my time. I envision productive days with extra time to do nothing whenever I desire. I only want to work Monday to Thursday, 10am to 4am, unless I am on a work trip. I desire time to explore the cities as I travel and not just work time. I want evenings and weekends free for family time and quarterly alone time just for PBJ. Each month I want to take some time away for prayer, rest and thinking. I desire more time with family and friends through phone calls and in person. These calls will be to catch up, laugh and encourage each other, not just to resolve crises. I will visit my mama at least once per quarter and spend quality time with my nieces and nephews. What is your vision for each value listed? Write it as you want to see it. Write it in your disrupting burnout journal.
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Next, you need to establish your no line. Refer to the CIA model and determine what you control, where you have influence and what you need to accept concerning each value. Accept, influence, control. I control the time I wake up. I influence how we spend family time in the evenings and on weekends. I control my work schedule on days I'm not speaking or training. I have influence on my speaking and training schedule. I control the number of appointments I take each week. I control the amount of time I preserve between meetings. I accept that sometimes projects take longer than I expected. I accept that I cannot control how others feel about my time boundaries.
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What do you accept, influence and control with respect to each of your values? Finally, it's time to decide what you're willing to do to protect your values. Friend, this is where you begin to draw a line in the sand. What needs to change? What action can you take to preserve the values in your life? This doesn't always have to be a complete overhaul. It's amazing how small, simple, seemingly insignificant steps can transform your life. Before you jump into action, let's have a little chat about effective action.
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Nothing derails belief faster than attempting gigantic change and failing. Often, when achievers think about action, your mind immediately goes to big leaps. You want to conquer, to win and to be the best. You also want to minimize discomfort and the time it takes to complete the task as much as possible. You look at a big goal and attempt to accomplish it in the smallest possible amount of time, which often leads to abandoning the goal. The truth is, big goals are only accomplished one small step at a time.
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In my podcast interview with Leah Valencia Key, who I'll share more about in Chapter 9, leah describes what she calls one millimeter movement. As a jewelry designer, one millimeter is the smallest measurement on her ruler, but it makes a tremendous difference in the outcome of a piece of jewelry. One millimeter seems so insignificant when most of us look at the project, but Leah explains how it's possible to have two extraordinarily different products by adding or subtracting just one millimeter. She encourages people to consider the power of one millimeter movement towards your goals. What is one small change you can make today that could have a powerful impact months from now?
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My friend Morgan Davis shared a similar thought while speaking to a group of college students about physical wellness. Morgan is a coordinator of a wellness program at a university and a personal trainer. At this college event, a student asked Morgan her thoughts on how to stay consistent when creating healthy habits. Morgan shared that fitness professionals often encourage their clients to be 1% better each day. Just 1%. If you know you need to drink more water, don't start with tackling a whole gallon. Add one more bottle each day this week, or 20 more ounces than yesterday. Instead of going from junk food to vegan, maybe consider adding more greens as a side to your pizza. Or have one more serving of fruits and vegetables each day. Instead of going from sedentary to running a marathon, consider adding 30 minutes of movement you enjoy to each day.
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Morgan shared how, as your body experiences the benefits of incorporating small, healthy actions, you'll begin to crave them and, as a result, those new healthy actions will eventually become habits. Instead of shocking your body with a tremendous, unsustainable change, consider how you might be 1% better than yesterday. Allow small actions to create a consistency that brings transformation. Friend, I know honoring small steps is unpopular In Western society. We like fast food, microwave meals and quick change, but it's important to know the human body does not respond well to quick, tremendous change.
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Gaby Ruth, creator and host of the Pain to Passion Live podcast, encourages us to work with our bodies to accomplish our goals instead of working against them. Gaby teaches her community how the body naturally responds to change, and how to show compassion for your normal functions in order to stretch out of a comfort zone. According to Gaby, your vagus nerve scans your environment for danger and alerts the brain when danger is detected. Change is processed as danger in your brain. As a result, the brain activates your fight, flight or freeze responses without your knowledge or permission. When the vagus nerve senses danger, your brain reacts in the same way it would if you were being chased by a lion. This is a natural, automatic process that occurs in a healthy body. This is what your nervous system was created to do. Learning to work with this process places you in position to succeed with your goals without being halted by your natural responses to threat.
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In an interview on the Disrupting Burnout podcast on an episode called Show Yourself Compassion, gaby shares that to stretch yourself into new habits, you need to keep one foot in your comfort zone and one foot slightly outside of your comfort zone. She explains that when you keep one foot in your comfort zone and stretch one foot out of that comfort zone and use regulating actions to remind your brain that you're safe, you begin to stretch your comfort zone into new areas. As you become comfortable with a new spot, you may decide to step out again to make that comfort zone even wider. Remember this action should be taken step by step, pausing at each step to allow your brain time to adjust and acclimate to the new action or new environment. Practice self-compassion by understanding the natural processes of your body and working in collaboration with those processes to experience lasting transformation. Make one millimeter movements. Be one percent better.
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Now is the time for action. What are you willing to do to protect your values? The goal of this question is not to force you into any specific action. The goal here is for you to declare the action you're willing to take to establish your boundaries. Change doesn't happen without action. In this step, you'll choose an action that will lead to your new vision. Friend, do not get stuck here. Make a choice. There's always an opportunity to revisit and revise. This is not about perfection. We're looking for progress.
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Here's an example based on my value of time. I will prioritize time with God by waking up at 5 am each weekday morning. I will create time just to think, vision and problem solve by setting weekly think appointments on my calendar. These appointments will be at least one hour, three days per week. I will not accept unscheduled business calls. I am no longer on call. All business communication must be scheduled at least two days in advance. I will keep my phone on. Do not disturb during work hours, devotion time and family time to preserve my focus and energy. Here's a spoonful of PBJ, friends.
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Since I wrote this manuscript, there's one change that I've made. So I read 10x is easier than 2x by Dan Sullivan and Dr Benjamin Hardy. It was powerful for me. One of the changes I made was in my weekly schedule. Instead of chunking my days up in hours, I've now dedicated full days to different types of activities. For example, monday is now my Sabbath. Monday is my day with the Lord. Monday is my day of rest. Monday is my day of revival and renewal. No work on Mondays. Tuesday is my think day. So instead of having an hour of think time every day, I have dedicated a day to think time.
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The problem with chunking it up in hours is it's just not enough time and you're switching your brain from one kind of activity to another. It just makes it difficult to get anything accomplished. I found that assigning a full day gives me time and freedom to be really productive and do deep work and deep thinking so Tuesday is think day, wednesday and Thursday are dedicated to meetings, and it's a big sacrifice for me to only take meetings on Wednesdays and Thursdays. That means my Wednesdays and Thursdays are full, but it gives me Monday and Tuesday for what I need it to be. And then Friday is a catch-up day. If I'm done and good, then I play on Fridays. If I have to get some administrative work done, then I get it done on Friday morning, but the goal every Friday is to be done with work by noon so I can have the rest of the day to play.
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So I just wanted to give you that update to let you know that even since writing this manuscript, I have revised my standards and my boundaries concerning my time, and you can do that too. Try something, and if it doesn't work, you can revise it at any time and try something new. So just wanted to share that with you. Here we go Grab your disrupting burnout journal and write the actions you're willing to take to protect each of your values. These are your values, these are your boundaries. Do the hard work.
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Let's practice using the CIA method for a different purpose. Do you ever find yourself with more to-do list than time? How do you identify the priorities of the priorities? This activity allows you to practice an alternative use of the method Complete an energy audit. This audit should be focused on tasks, decisions and ideas cluttering your mind right now. The focus of the energy audit is to assist you in choosing priorities when everything seems urgent and important. How do you intentionally decide where to invest your time, effort, attention and emotions? Take the following steps to declutter your to-do list. Number one list five people, problems, concerns, decisions or responsibilities taking up space in your mind right now. In which areas are you lacking access and authority? Review the list to determine what you need to accept. Where do you have influence and how do you want to use your influence to make a positive impact? Where do you have control and what do you want to do about it? Download the Disrupting Burnout Journal for a fillable copy of this activity at patricebuttnerjaxsoncom.