30. Compassion Fatigue, Burnout, and Boundaries...Oh My!

In this episode of the Heart Work with PBJ, Dr. Patrice Buckner Jackson had a candid conversation with Ashley James about compassion fatigue, boundaries, and burnout.  We will share only a portion of the conversation.  Follow Ashley on Instagram to hear to full conversation.

Ashley James is a purpose-chaser by nature who founded the Own Your Authenticity brand. As a registered nurse, she was constantly pouring into her patients, which brought her fulfillment, but deep down she knew she wanted more. It wasn’t until the stillness of the coronavirus pandemic which put her into a silent season, that she realized that her purpose was deeply rooted inside of her. Soon thereafter she realized that her side hustle was leading her down a path of burnout and not purpose. Her brand’s mission is to help other women step out of their own way, and on faith, so they can own their authenticity, and thrive purposefully in every season. 

Ashley's contact information:  hello@ownyourauthenticity.com OR
www.instagram.com/_ashrjames_

Purchase the eBook at www.mythofbalancedtime.com
Follow me on IG @drpatricebucknerjackson
Join the Heart Work Community here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1995109413951292/

Transcript

0:00

Hey friends, I am Dr. Patrice Buckner Jackson. But you can call me PBJ Welcome to another episode of Heart Work with PBJ where we are disrupting cycles of burnout for people who do their work from the heart. Friends, I am always so full of joy when I have an opportunity to come and share with all of you some of these lessons that I have learned. And I'm so grateful that you continue to take this journey with me. Listen, if you are not following me on Instagram, you need to get with it right now. Instagram is where you get your spoonful of PBJ every Monday, and of course a new episode of this podcast every Wednesday. So go on over to Instagram@drpatricebucknerjackson, follow me there so you will not miss an update. You will not miss a spoonful. You will not miss an episode again. Follow me on Instagram@drpatricebucknerjackson in order to keep up with everything that's going on with me. Okay, today we have a special episode. So I have the opportunity to have an Instagram Live conversation with one of my sisters, Ashley James, and I am sharing a portion of that conversation with you all today. Ashley James is a purpose chaser by nature, who founded the own your authenticity brand. As a registered nurse she was constantly pouring into her patients, which brought her fulfillment. But deep down she knew she wanted more. It wasn't until the stillness of the coronavirus pandemic, which put her into a silent season that she realized that her purpose was deeply rooted inside her. Soon thereafter, she realized that her side hustle was leading her down a path of burnout and not purpose. Ashley's brand mission is to help other women step out of their own way and on faith so that they can own their authenticity and thrive purposefully in every season. So listen, friends, I'm just gonna give you a portion of this conversation. Ashley and I had a good long hour conversation. But I'm gonna give you about 25 minutes of it today. If you want to hear the rest of the conversation going over follow Ashley on Instagram.@_ashrjames_, I'll put it in the show notes. So that you'll be sure to follow Ashley and check out the rest of the conversation. But y'all This is good, good good. From compassion, fatigue, to burnout to boundaries. We talk about it all. So let's get into it. I remember the first time I heard you speak about compassion fatigue. We were on a coaching call with Patrice and I was like, Oh, my God, like this is a real thing. Because I've never heard of it. I've you know, we go through life and it's just like, Alright, I'm just sorry, I'm just, but it's like, no, like every point you hit on. I was like, she is speaking my life. Who is she? And how do I know this? Cuz I lived this sister. I lived it. Yeah. So please tell us I know I read a whole lot just now. But I want you to tell your experience. Like, how did you come up with compassion fatigue? What made you research what made you stop and say, Okay, this is what's happening. You know, like, how? Yeah, yeah. So, first of all, thank you. I'm honored that we're here together. But I have to tell you of everything that you read all the things right. 21 years and education, just definitely a calling. But it almost cost me everything. Yeah, it almost cost me everything. I will tell you about the day. I want to say specifically, I remember driving to work through the rain. It was August 2019. I remember walking through the building to my office and of course hugging students on the way. pop my head and say hello to my staff, just doing what I do. Right. And it was literally everything I could do to get into that office and shut the door. I got into the office, I shut the door and actually I crumbled, I crumbled. I remember gripping the side of that desk, brace myself. I literally wanted to crawl under that desk, lay there in the fetal position and just cry. And the only reason why I didn't do that is because Cuz I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to pull myself out from under that desk. And I'm right there. I felt I felt trapped. You know, because I knew if I opened that door to leave, as I opened that door to get some air, somebody would need something. Yeah. Somebody would be calling my name, somebody would have a question. Somebody would have a request. See, what I did is I taught everybody that I could be all things to all people. They believed me, right? They believed me. So after giving, and I'm telling you at that point, I had sacrificed my health. I had lost significant relationships. And literally in that moment, I thought I was losing my mind. Right? I thought I was losing my mind. I walked away from my job. I walked away from higher education in a moment, less less my job, something I never thought I would do. But I, in that moment, my choice was me or everybody else. After my entire life, I finally chose me. And I literally spent the next five months learning what got me to that point. But most of all, learning how to get out of it. Yes, I'm glad you said. He basically taught everybody that you can be all things. Oh, yeah, we could be all things to everybody else. But then you neglect yourself. Yes. And when I say I'm happy that you're here, because even though this is for everybody else, this is for me. And it's it's one of those things where I was thinking about it before we got on the call. And I was like forgetting nurses, when you really think about teachers, like you have 20 years in the game over 20 years in the game, right? That, for me is a lot that, um, I've been a nurse for almost four years, and I'm like, tired. But when you say that to people, they're just like, Oh, no, but you're young, you can do all the things, this is fine. This is great. Like, no, now's the time to do it. But there comes a point where you're like, Okay, but as you said, it's me or everybody else, I can try to be on a level playing field to you know, sacrifice, some things be here, sometimes, you know, but then at a certain point, you hit a brick wall. What, but here's the thing. So we teach people how to treat us, we train people how to treat us. So in that moment, for me, it was a question of me or everybody else, but it only because I had done it out of alignment for so long. So you can do when your purpose was still doing your purpose out of alignment. You can you can be doing what you're created to do, but doing it in a way that is unhealthy and unsustainable and unfair. It could be right work right place, but you're just doing it the wrong way. So he's saying, whether you're a nurse, a teacher, a social worker, or counselor, whatever, whatever work, you do a stay at home mom, a minister, all these people struggle with compassion fatigue, one person can do that same work and be fine. But the person the way you do it, that's when I talk to hard workers. Because when I'm saying hard workers I'm talking about, we don't do it for the promotion. We don't quit for the money. We don't put for the pat on the back. But we are the people who do it because we wouldn't we know we were created to do it. It's a calling. It's a calling when you're a hard worker, and you're a nurse and you show up in that hospital, you're not just there to say I'm a nurse, you are there to serve. You take those patients home with doing your heart. Take those students home with you in your heart, and you give and give and give. and compassion fatigue is like you You literally live you live the results of what they're going through. Yes. serving a student who's struggling, if I'm not careful, I will take on the outcomes and the consequences of their life circumstances. So sometimes it's a question of what is my purpose? But other times it's a question of how do I do this purpose that asked me so much. So that doesn't cost me everything? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you always hear that nurses provide compassionate care. That's a thing across the board nurses compassionate care, that's what we do. But then, again, there are times when it's like, okay, but they're, you know, like, there's a line there's a wall, something's happening. And for me, over the years, I had to take a step back, I had to really look at the work that I do. What am I doing, who am I serving? What am I What am I instilling into others That's when I realized that for me, it had more to do with the fulfillment aspects of it than anything else. Then I think of the flip side, like, yes, there are days when I'm fulfilled, there are days when I go to work, and I feel like you know what, I've given my all, I, you know, like this is I feel proud of myself, but more proud that, okay, these people, at least they got something from me, whether it has to do with the physical care whether it has to do with a thought, or a word that I instilled in them, whatever it is, I feel fulfilled, because I did that. Right. And again, it has nothing to do with the accolades. It's just my work here is done, because I did what I was supposed to do. But on the flip side of it, and I'm sure you can talk about this, or relate or resonate, at some point, there are days when I'm just like, I am legitimately tired, I legitimately feel like I have nothing to give, as you said, like, there, there was a time when you know, you're walking down the hallway, and you know that you can't come out the room. Because if you come out the room, there's gonna be somebody who pops up to say, hey, Dr. PBJ, like, can you or I need, can you do this for me? And sometimes it's just like, I just, I just want to be here. If my little bubble alone, those days, and I'm sure there are a lot of other people who have those days, but we don't talk about it. We don't talk about it. And we don't think it's okay. Right. So I hear you talking about two things, because I always talk to my community about starting with you. So that values your energy, your motivation, your purpose, your priorities and your sacrifices. You just mentioned two things. I heard you talk about your energy, and talk about your motivation. So I'll start with the motivation. Because the motivation is the why. Yes, I do I do this, the money will only sustain you so long. Thank grateful for it don't trip now. But trust me, I always make sure the direct path happens, right? You can serve on that. Yeah, you can't keep serving just on what you make. It's got to be deeper than that, in order for us to keep doing the deep work that we do. So it goes back to your why. What is the y that will sustain you? You know, I always tell people, be careful, the Y traps, be careful, people pleasing, be careful of the competition, be careful of the tangible things, including money, because all of that stuff can change. People don't know what they want. So you can people please, you compete with people who are sent to be a blessing to you that to know what is your deep, why. Why are you called to this work on the days that you don't have the energy for it and you don't feel like it, and you need that extra boost? You got to know something, you got to know something about why you keep doing this. And what makes you keep showing up and it can't be the money. It can't be waiting on the pat on the back. Because you won't always get that it can't be the recognition as you won't always get that. It's got to be something deeper than that. So that's the why. But then I also heard you talk about your your energy. Yeah. And here's the thing, each of us first of all, we're our first advocate. And I am I am pbjs first advocate, nobody should be looking out for me more than me, right. And in order to advocate for myself, I've got to know how to refill my tank. And everybody's different. I can't expect my workplace to refill my tank. There are so many hard workers out there just given given given given a literally scraping the bottom of the barrel because you haven't stopped for a minute to go get a refill. And you've got to know what refills you because everybody's different. So I'm an introvert, right? I've been there. myself. I'm an introvert. I know I need some quiet time. Okay, I know I need some prayer. I know I need some meditation. I need some time when nobody's calling my name. So that I can refill my tank. keep giving. I was neglecting that time before. That's how I got to burn out. Because I just always had something to do and it wasn't okay to take a break. That is ridiculous. It's ridiculous. And it has to know what they may I have a daughter who's an extreme extrovert. She is an extreme extrovert. She gets her energy from connecting and being equal, and you've got to fill her tank. That way. Everybody's got to know what fills your tank. And you have to prioritize to make sure you go do it. Thank you. Thank you for saying that piece. And I honestly feel like all the teachers and nurses anybody in healthcare and it might affect it. doesn't even matter what you do, do and moms included, needs to be a part of this conversation because especially during a pandemic, and I don't know if you can relate to this, but especially during the pandemic, it was the first time in a long time where I felt at peace. As crazy as it sounds when everything and everybody else was like, Oh my god, like, we can't ever go outside. What about curfew? What about this, and I was just like, that's okay. Me too. And that's me, I like to go out, but I have a limit. I'm at a certain point, I'm not sure about what you're doing. I'm, I'm ready to go. Like you're not ready. That's mean, I like to turn up every once in a while, but it's like, Alright, now is my cutoff time because now I've been out too long. And I'm, you know, like I need to refuel. So, during the pandemic, I even when I first started the blog, I had one of my close friends and nurse friend. And I remember I think I wrote the topic on self care and burnout. And just going back to working, working, working and feeling like as you said, I neglected myself, I felt like, forget about going out and get nails done. I felt like I just wasn't feeding me. I wasn't still. And so as I said before, during the pandemic is when I felt like I had that be still time I had that me time, I had that quiet time. And that's when I refueled starting the blog. Yes, it was for other people. But it was for really for me to just like, get my thoughts I do my own thing. And so a part of the self care was, you know, like I'm writing and I'm doing all these things. And my friend said to me, she was that that blog post you wrote, she was like, I didn't realize how much I was neglecting myself. She was busy being a mom busy being a wife busy taking care of her house busy, you know, like feeding into all these things working, looking for a per diem doing all these things. And she said, I didn't realize like, to the point where she'd been collected, even her physical appearance. And so often we just go about what the cycle is, which is, which is honestly why I came up with my whole thrive theme. Because we go through the cycles, and we're just surviving, and we're just going through the motions and compassion fatigue comes up and burnout comes up. And all these things come up and we ignore them. Yeah. Can we talk about busy for a minute? You said busy. So we need to talk about busy. Because somewhere in our culture, we've been taught that you get a badge of honor for being busy. Thank you. But at some point, somebody taught us like you need to be worn out slap tie or working on long hours. No, no sleep team, no sleep. Thank you. We, we get caught in cycles of busy. And we fooled ourselves to think and understand that. That means we're getting something done. But most of the time, we're like a hamster on a wheel just running. Yep, running all of that energy out and not accomplishing the things that we were created to accomplish. Because busy leads us to burn out. But we have got to move from busy to productive. It's so interesting. So in this season of my life, I found myself producing more than I have in a very long time maybe ever producing more than I've ever produced. But I'm not nearly as busy as I was in former seasons. Because I learned how to say no. And I no longer find pride and honor and running like a chicken with my head cut off. I know better than to say yes to everything. I have learned that I don't have to be all things to all people. I have learned that it's okay for me to have a personal boundary for myself. And it's not selfish, it's wise. Its eyes. In order for me to accomplish what God created me to accomplish in this earth. I've got to understand that I am not called to serve everybody. I have specific assignments on my life. And in order to do those, well. I've got to learn to say no to the good thing. out the purpose thing. I've had enough of saying yes to everything. You know, I used to think I used to think everybody needed me. Yeah. I thought everybody needed me. I quit my job and then folks help lift. Right, folding clothes. The students didn't stop going to school. Everything kept running. They had the nerve to keep living without me. taught me, it wasn't so much that everybody needed me, it was my need to be me. It was in me, it was my need to be everything to all people. So through prayer, through counseling, through coaching, and literally really learning how to serve, I have taught myself how to serve my purpose, and what I'm supposed to do be okay with the things that are not assigned to me. So, we got to let go of busy go ahead that and so, even when you first started when we first have done you said, you have to create boundaries of what you said it took because of the simple fact that I 28 I am just learning Yeah, boundaries are important. The boundaries are applicable to any and every area of your life. Because as you said, we we we grow up in a society we go with the traditions we grow up hearing, Oh, you got to do this. And you got to say yes to everybody. All of your family calls. You got it an X y&z and 123 in a second, but but but you don't. You don't, as you said, they'll survive without you. And so I had to learn, right? Because I wouldn't say that I want to be well, I had a moment I had moments where I wanted to be everything to everyone. Right? And I I take pride in being the supportive friend. But I'm not even it doesn't have to do so much with friendships. But when it comes on to just being what's the word? I'm known for being reliable. Yeah. That's what it and so when I'm asked, like, Oh, can you do? Or can you show up at this point? Can you go out here for a minute? And, and I would also, ah, okay, maybe, alright, just give me five minutes. Um, I just woke up, but Alright, let me just get dressed real quick. And overtime. I'm just like, honestly, no, no, no, it wasn't until I kid you not. It wasn't until maybe we're in May, a month ago, two months ago, after I started therapy. And my therapist said, and I don't remember how it came up, or why it came up. And she was like, no boundaries. She said, boundaries, teach people how to treat you. And I had to take a step back. I was like, Wait, what? And she was like, yeah, boundaries, teach people how to treat you. So if you're constantly saying yes, and yes, and yes, and yes. And Okay, no problem a, okay. without questioning what is being asked of you without questioning, you know, like, without putting any thought into it, they're going to constantly come for you. And so, you'll find that over time you're being used, you're being what's the word I'm looking for? taken advantage of. And so you're wondering why you're serving all these people, you're giving all these things. And then at the end of the day, you're tired and terrifying. Listen, okay. Sorry. But like, look happy go lucky. I'm confused. Oh, my gosh. Okay. So first of all, you just said a whole word, have been the dumping ground for other people. And they leave feeling better, and we're left carrying their stuff. How many people How many of y'all listening to us are heavy right now with something that does not belong to you, thank you, you are carrying somebody else's stuff. You are the listening ear, for every body, and they come and they deliver their junk to you, and you carry it and they skip off feeling so much better, and you're left carrying the weight of it. We've got to learn how to be there for people without taking on their stuff. We've got to figure out how to serve in the way that we're supposed to serve without taking on a mantle that doesn't fit us. So that's number one. Number two, when it comes to saying no, you got to say no. So you can have better yeses. You can have it all but you just can't have it all at the same time. You got to know where the where to draw the line. And it doesn't have to be confrontational. It doesn't have to be you know, your no can be easy. You know, that sounds awesome. But I can't help you this time. Or you know what I already said yes to three other things. So I'm gonna have to give you a no, but check with me next time, or have you thought about sewing so they're really good at that. They probably be able to do it like this many ways to say no, and we got to give ourselves permission, because also we can have better Yes. And here's the other thing you said when it comes to boundaries. Think about boundaries, okay. Think about boundaries as the walls around an ancient city, right? So when we read, and you know, and I love the word of God, so I hope it's okay. But this is when we read the Word of God, and we study these cities, these cities were built with walls around them for action, right? And these walls were several feet high. So you weren't gonna just roll up in the city with your bags, like, Hey, I just came to see my cousin, you be like, you're not just coming in here like that. The watchmen on that wall, and watchman decides who to let the drawbridge down to let in and who's not coming in here. That's what our boundaries do for us. Our boundaries are protection. They protect us and give us the discretion to decide what and who we allow in and what's not welcomed into the city. But here's the key says, You can't make a boundary if you don't know what you value. Your boundaries are based on your values. Your what what is non negotiable for you that day, and what are you not willing to lose? Yeah, a lot of us fall into burnout. Because we haven't identified what we're not willing to lose. Because burnout will come and take everything that means the most to you is a thief is a thief. So we got to start with our values. Yes, no, no, what you value you can make a boundary. Yeah, you can make a boundary. So start with the values. What am I refusing to lose? When I was in my burnout state, everything that was most important to me was was going was leaving me. My hand. Even me, my faith was a mess. My relationships were a mess. And even in my family, I had lost significant relationships, and my family, because I was always busy. Yeah. So I had to decide that these are things I'm not willing to lose. And I built my boundaries based on those values. So come hell or high water, it doesn't matter everything else. I love it. I appreciate it. I honor it, but if I lose everything, faith and family ain't going nowhere for me, because that's what I'm that is my foundation. Those are my values. And then I built my boundaries from my goodness. Now I told you all that was going to be good. And oh my goodness, it was so I hope you got a whole lot out of that conversation. I had with Ashley James again. If you want to hear the full conversation, go over to Instagram and follow Ashley@_ashrjames_ it is all in the show notes. So go check it out friends. And as always, you already know you are powerful. You are significant. And you are loved. Love always PBJ