What I Learned About Myself When Everything Fell Apart: Amie M - The moment that everything changed

In this powerful and emotionally raw episode of The Moment When Everything Changed, our host shares the intimate truth of what it really looks like to heal from betrayal, rebuild trust, and move forward after everything falls apart. This is not just a story of heartbreak — it’s a story of rediscovery, deep emotional work, and finding strength in the most unexpected of places.

After an incident that shook the foundation of her relationship, she found herself spiraling — emotionally exhausted, overwhelmed by mixed emotions, and uncertain about her future. The early days of her pregnancy were marked by emotional chaos: living apart from her partner, struggling with deep resentment, and feeling trapped in a cycle of anger, confusion, and hopelessness.

It wasn’t until she stumbled across a YouTube video on betrayal trauma that she began to understand the symptoms she was experiencing — not just mentally, but physically. Intrusive thoughts, emotional flashbacks, and somatic memories made it feel like she was reliving the trauma daily. That realization became a turning point. She referred herself for therapy and advocated to receive EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) — a powerful trauma therapy known to help reprocess emotional pain stuck in the body.

Despite the emotional risks during pregnancy, and with the guidance of healthcare professionals, she completed eight intensive EMDR sessions — finishing the final one just five days before giving birth.

She reflects on the power of EMDR, hypnotherapy, and tapping (EFT) to access healing beyond traditional talk therapy — helping her reframe what happened, understand her emotional reactions, and finally begin to release the guilt, confusion, and shame.

This episode also dives into the emotional toll of unsupportive friendships, the pain of losing a bridesmaid, and the isolation that comes when others can’t accept your choices. But despite the judgment and emotional strain, she held her ground, embraced the messiness of healing, and found purpose in her journey — including the unexpected joy of becoming a mother.

She now anchors herself in the powerful reminder: “I did my best.” And in doing so, she found clarity, compassion, and the courage to keep going.

What You'll Hear in This Episode:

• What betrayal trauma really feels like — emotionally and physically
• The impact of pregnancy on emotional clarity and subconscious healing
• Living through relationship uncertainty while expecting a child
• How EMDR therapy works and why it’s so powerful for trauma
• Tapping (EFT), hypnotherapy, and somatic healing techniques
• The limitations of talk therapy and why deeper healing often requires body-based approaches
• Losing friendships and setting boundaries when others don’t support your

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

What was that one big clear insight moment for you where things just kind of went, this is it, this is the moment?

SPEAKER_01 0:07

I think finding out I was pregnant. And I knew before I took the test. I just knew. I think that moment for me was the moment where I was like, okay, there is another person that's going to be involved in all of this. You know, an innocent person with all of this. So I think that was the moment that I knew kind of, okay, this is like a sign that things are going to be, you know, changing and moving forward. And...

SPEAKER_00 0:39

Welcome to Eternal Paradigm, human experience for the conscious explorer. Welcome to Eternal Paradigm. Hello, Amy, tell me. How are you? And can you introduce yourself for the listeners, please?

SPEAKER_01 1:23

Yes, of course. So my name's Amy. I am 26 years old, turning 27 in a few weeks' time. I met you via a teaching course that we were in together for a few weeks, February 2020, wasn't it?

SPEAKER_00 1:42

Yeah.

UNKNOWN 1:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:43

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was, it was.

SPEAKER_01 1:45

So I guess the last kind of normality we had.

SPEAKER_00 1:49

Yes, it really was, right? That those, it was the Saturdays. Did we do Saturday and Sunday? I've totally forgotten.

SPEAKER_02 1:58

Just Saturdays.

SPEAKER_00 1:59

It was just Saturdays. And it was where we were all coming in, kind of all like moaning about the trains. Yeah. The weather and all sorts. Yeah. And that was quite an interesting course, an amazing group as well. So, Amy, we're talking today. So what has kind of from that point when we kind of were on the course to now, what's been happening?

SPEAKER_01 2:28

So I obviously lockdown happened. I was followed for a few weeks, which was actually really, really nice. A lot had been happening actually leading up to lockdown. lockdown like personal stuff as well not much to do I guess with the big topic that we're going to talk about today but just some family things and some deaths in the family and um just sorting out some big things to do with that family member's death and and supporting like vulnerable family members and things like that so it was a I was quite actually relieved for lockdown when it came I was actually obviously we did the teacher's course I was working a lot I was traveling a lot for work and then lockdown came and yeah I was kind of it was so nice to have those few weeks off in the sunshine then I went back to work but I was working remotely from home all throughout the summer wedding got cancelled because of lockdown. So that was quite heartbreaking. I'm sure lots of people had to cancel things and postpone things and things like that. And that was quite hard. having to rearrange the wedding and try and get a new day and try and move all of the suppliers over that we wanted to work with, like our florist and our band and photographer and all those kind of people that you work with. And then I fell pregnant in August. So again, another big change. I don't think we were in lockdown then, the lockdown had just kind of ended when I fell pregnant, still working from home until I went back into work for a month between October and November and then lockdown happened again and then I was back working from home until I went on maternity leave and also in the September time August September time just after I found out I was pregnant I also completed my assessor's qualification as well so we did the teaching course together and then I did my assessor's qualification remotely as well over a few months I did that while pregnant too so that's really and then obviously I had my baby in April and then just been in mum mode I guess since then for these last few months that he's been alive

SPEAKER_00 4:54

that is incredible so it's like I'm really sorry to hear about about the family member passed away so that is never easy but what I want to ask you about your wedding because when we were on the training course together yeah you the presentation that you did was all about leaf preservation and flower preservation and the reason I bring this up is because you were actually planning, you were doing this, you'd been foraging leaves for how long and what happened? Yeah

SPEAKER_01 5:29

so we started foraging in early autumn a year before because we needed to forage, we needed to preserve to have them before the wedding and we wouldn't have had time to start foraging and preserving because the wedding was in October. So we just wouldn't have had the time before. So we had to do it a year prior. Then we found out, obviously we need to postpone for a year. So now the leaves are two years old that we foraged and preserved. I last got them out last year. We did some like decorating for like autumn at home. And we put them out on our mantel with some gourds and some pumpkins and stuff. And they still looked fine. I haven't checked them since then. Been too busy. But I just think if they're not perfect, then I just need to... not use them because there's no time now to do foraging and preserving again beforehand but yeah I love

SPEAKER_00 6:31

that I love that because after that obviously I came home and that's exactly what we did I did that with the kids for like every week brilliant absolutely brilliant and it's such an added personal touch right

SPEAKER_01 6:44

I know it would be really sad if we can't use it because it was like a really creative thing that we got like to add in but you know just have to roll with it if we can't use them for the decoration

SPEAKER_00 6:54

yeah yeah I hear you I hear you and so so obviously like you said you know the wedding having to kind of not happen at that point moving things around what what is happening now because the wedding didn't happen but you ended up with another amazing surprise

SPEAKER_01 7:13

yeah exactly so instead of getting married we had a baby instead yeah of course and and now our baby will be at our wedding which is just crazy to think like when we were planning because we've been in we would have been engaged two years before we got married and so from the engagement to the wedding you know it was two years planning and like when we started planning planning after the engagement I would never would have thought that we'd have like our baby at the wedding um you know you think you see that kind of like years and years down the road so yeah it's um it's worked out obviously how it was meant to work out so he was meant to be there with us so I'm really looking forward to having him there on day start having to think about different logistical things who's going to have him in the evening how am I going to breastfeed him who's going to you know be looking after him in the day when we're busy and So, yeah, we need to think about how to navigate a wedding with a seven month old baby as well.

SPEAKER_00 8:13

Oh, but yes, obviously he wants to know that he's arrived. So he's definitely letting you know. So let's kind of move on to what we are really talking about, which is which I'm going to come to in a minute, actually, because I think it's it's really important for me to say when we were actually on the course that we did together. I remember distinctly that when we both gave our presentations, the feedback that we got from the group was that we were both incredibly calm and collected at the way that we delivered. And just generally how we are as people, as who we are, we're very, you know, you're so calm. I remember meeting you and you were just like, so with it, so together. And it's interesting because that has actually kind of, it's the opposite of what we're actually talking about today.

SPEAKER_02 9:06

And

SPEAKER_00 9:07

it's something that we have our own kind of story to tell about. So we are talking about body trauma and trauma in the context of your lived experience of it. And you've just kind of rounded up all the things that have happened in the past kind of since we started. met at the beginning of 2020 to where we are now and there have been lots of pivots and turns and changes and lots of things have happened but while that whole process has been happening you've still had to come back to address and readdress body trauma and if you're if you would basically be open to share

SPEAKER_01 9:52

yeah

SPEAKER_00 9:53

what happened obviously you know feeling totally comfortable yeah go for it

SPEAKER_01 9:59

yeah So obviously, I've given you the synopsis of, I guess, what's happened since we last saw each other. But there is another big, huge thing that did happen in that year that was, I guess, the reason for the trauma. And of course, like it is involving other people. So I can't go into too many details and things like that. But I know also this is how we conceived our son as well um because of this I don't think that we would have had our baby if all of this hadn't have happened which I think I like to look at it it is that kind of angle as well so in lockdown I think it was around July time just before I got pregnant me so obviously we'd spend the wedding wedding wasn't going ahead things like that and the Sorry, in July time. It's okay, take your time, take your

SPEAKER_00 10:55

time. It's

SPEAKER_01 10:56

absolutely fine. My fiancé was going through quite a hard time for many different reasons, current situations, job losses. But also I think, you know, new chapter of life that was about to start that then wasn't happening and self-esteem issues and trauma from childhood that hadn't been dealt with and lots of different things. And basically self-sabotaged our relationship and basically cheated on me. And I found out straight away, I actually caught it happening, which was a huge trauma in itself. being in that situation and witnessing it and then of course having that feedback loop in your mind you know remembering that happening so of course we needed to work out what we were going to do were we going to move forward with the wedding we know we knew we were postponing it anyway because of lockdown but you know what were we going to do we were going to move forward what we're going to break up he immediately was saying that he was going to go into therapy work through the issues that he had reassured me that it was nothing you know to do with our relationship or me and that this was like an issue that he has um and of course he just went about you know self-sabotaging and jeopardizing our relationship in the worst way that he could have done because he didn't feel like he was worthy of having that and which I think a lot of people can relate to maybe not specifically that but in other areas of their life when they self-sabotage whether it's a job interview or a family relationship or a romantic relationship or things like that. So I also agreed that I needed to do some therapy because I was harboring a lot of anger and my self-esteem was extremely low. I just thought, you know, I need to talk to someone to see if I can move past this as well. And I was in, I did some open-ended talk therapy for about eight sessions straight after this happened as well. Of course, you're reconnecting and trying to figure things out, you know, your head's all over the place. That's when we actually conceived our baby so thrown into the mix our relationship is up in the air then I find out I'm pregnant and instinctively I knew that I was going to keep my baby I didn't want to not have my baby even though it wasn't the ideal situation and I didn't know what the future held for me and him I knew that I was going to keep the baby so whether I was going to be doing it alone or with him So that was another huge kind of weight that was on my shoulders. And just lots and lots of things, I guess, to think about and try and work through. So my therapist that I had for the eight sessions, the talking therapist, she was actually the first person that I told that I was pregnant to. I hadn't told anybody. And unfortunately, I didn't have the best therapist-client relationship with her. I found her quite judgmental. She... I don't know, I just didn't gel with her and I didn't really feel like I was getting the support that I needed. Again, it's so hard to know whether it was hormones raging from my body or if it was both, if it was hormones raging from my body and all this trauma that I was harbouring that I hadn't been able to get rid of and deal with. And I was basically just spiralling worse and worse with this trauma. Our relationship wasn't moving forward in a positive way. He was doing his work, but I wasn't doing the work that I needed to do to help us move forward. So I... Can

SPEAKER_00 14:48

I just ask you, because I'm listening to what you're saying and you said just a little while ago how there were so many different things that you almost like... Did you understand immediately that your fiancé was... acting out because of unresolved things okay so that in itself has been a process because now you're also talking about understanding that you had to do the work because he was doing the work because that's a big kind of to understand that is quite big you know and so but yeah sorry carry on you're saying so

SPEAKER_01 15:29

Yeah, I was spiraling worse and worse and I was feeling worse and worse about myself. And I was feeling worse and worse about our future, our relationship. I was giving him mixed signals. I was being hot and cold. I was, one day I was, you know, being really positive about us moving forward together. The next day I would be, you know, basically saying this is never going to work. And, you know, I know we're having a baby together, but basically I don't think that I'm ever going to be able to trust you or move forward with you or, you know, be... happy with you again I guess and um for the first month of my pregnancy we weren't living together he had moved out um after and the incident happened before I fell pregnant then he still wasn't we weren't living together for the first month of the pregnancy then we started living together again and I think when you're just harboring so much resentment towards someone and so much anger just living in a small space with them obviously he wasn't working and because of lockdown and I was working from home. So we were constantly on top of each other as well. So I just feel like there was just lots and lots of things brewing and it was just, yeah, it was just really, really tough and I wasn't handling it in a positive way at all. I YouTubed just kind of what I was feeling like. I guess I've just tried to search for some videos out there And I came across a video that was basically all about betrayal trauma and all of the symptoms that you're suffering with if you are experiencing betrayal trauma. And I was experiencing all of them. And we're talking about physical trauma in the body because you do feel those physical emotions in your body as if you were actually there. So all of the sensations I felt when I was there, when I was there, shocked by, you know, what I had uncovered. It was like those emotions and those feelings hadn't left my body. So I was constantly kind of trapped in that cycle. And then, of course, they were in my mind. I was thinking about it every day, reliving details of it, just kind of like playing it back as if I was in that same situation every single day. And then I referred myself to Mind Matters in Surrey. My first therapy was through private healthcare for my work. And then my second time having more therapy was through NHS. So I referred myself through Mind Matters to the NHS and through like learning about betrayal trauma, I learned that the best type of therapy is the EMDR therapy. And I had no clue what it was, but I knew it was similar to the emotional freedom technique with the tapping, which I had done before. Just like by myself, not through a therapist or anything, just discovered tapping along the way a few years ago and would just like incorporate it sometimes when feeling anxious about certain things so I said to the lady on the phone who was doing my consultation I really want to try out this EMDR therapy told her everything that had happened all the details how I was feeling she went through like the scale of like unlikely, very likely with me about how I'm feeling about different situations. And she agreed that I was like suffering with like some mild PTSD and other types of trauma. And she said that there is very few therapists on the NHS who do the EMDR. And of course, I was newly pregnant as well. So she said she'd had the therapist have to talk to me about it. Therapist spoke to me about it and basically said, because I was having a low risk pregnancy, she was happy to go ahead, but I needed to inform my midwife. So I had to tell my midwife what therapy I was going through. I had to tell my health worker what therapy I was going through so they could just know because it is quite, it brings up trauma. So that's what you tap into that trauma that you've experienced. So, you know, everything that you had been feeling like, you feel like that for your therapy. And of course it's a high stress therapy. And when you're pregnant, you want to be avoiding stress and not getting yourself in those stressful situations. But with the therapy, you're putting yourself back in that stressful situation. So I did, I think around eight sessions. And I said to you, I did my last session on the Tuesday and then I gave birth on the Sunday. And so I just finished my last session and then and then, yeah, gave birth.

SPEAKER_00 20:06

Wow. That is incredible. And it's so, you know, the other thing that is so interesting is when you talk about the EMDR being, you know, like a high stress form of therapy. And it's actually quite interesting because obviously I, like I said to you before, I'm looking at this from the point of hypnotherapy and where EMDR is important. is brilliant. And many of my colleagues use hypnotherapy and EMDR, and I use tapping EFT and hypnotherapy in addition to other tools. But one of the things, one of the reasons why these therapies are so effective is partly because of the fact that they actually do what our bodies are designed to do, which is process the emotion there and then. to allow it to be released. Whereas the challenge people often find with talk therapy is what you were saying, is you have to build a connection. You have to feel that you're in a space where you're not being judged. You have to be able to have all of these cognitive feelings. So things that almost like sit in the first layer of our being in order to be able to access all of the deeper levels. Whereas things like EMDR and hypnotherapy and tapping kind of allow you to have a better mind-body connection to help you reframe those events, to help you really kind of feel more connected. And I don't like using the word empowered but almost empowered to understand it better. I wonder if that's how you felt, really, if any of these things that I'm saying resonate with you. Yeah,

SPEAKER_01 21:45

definitely. I think I didn't know it at the time, but you explaining that makes a lot of sense of how I couldn't get through processing the emotion just by talking because I knew what happened. It was easy to talk about, but... there was a much deeper level to it that I didn't understand how it was still affecting me. It was, you know, kind of get it off my chest, talk to about someone, you know, try and figure out rationally what I want to do. But there's nothing like rational about it. And when like these deep, deep traumas happen to you because also it's not like you've put yourself in a situation where like I've made a mistake I've done wrong like he did what do I need to figure out in my mind moving forward it was very much like I was not I don't want to play the victim but there was that kind of victim mentality to it or it was like this has been something that's been happening done to me and you're gonna have trauma when something is directly done to you that you didn't want to happen um and that you had no control over happening and I feel like that's the hardest the hardest thing about it it's kind of like just processing that and almost understanding not why it happened but I guess how it's made you feel um and then how you can like move on from how that's made you feel in the future because you know there's it's gonna it's always going to come up you know there's still there's still moments there's still days where you know feelings and thoughts come up for me now and I don't know how long it will take before it doesn't anymore but I feel like it's going to be a long time and I feel like you know our relationship is gonna you know still be like growing and evolving over a long time as well and you know I feel like marriage is something that's going to really solidify it um and for me um you know making that commitment to each other and that promise to each other and of course not having a family together I feel like Like there is just many different things that I feel like are slowly kind of healing that relationship again for us.

SPEAKER_00 23:49

Absolutely. And I think it's so incredible because of the fact that you're talking about it. I mean, seriously, I take my hat off to you because it's not, you know, this is something that's still very recent. If we look at timelines, you kind of linear timelines, whereas, you know, whereas for me, it took me almost 40 years to really understand come to terms with and talk, actually be in a space of being able to talk. So I really do have to say that is incredible. So for all the different things that you've kind of identified, you say, obviously, you know, feelings do still come up, thoughts, ideas, they're still there because there is a memory imprint. But how do you kind of see yourself now in terms of what you've learned about what's happened?

SPEAKER_01 24:38

So in my therapy experience, This is something that we really focused on was kind of, you know, if you could go back to that moment and say something to yourself, what would you like say to yourself in that moment to, you know, help you move forward? And my thing that I would say to myself was that I did my best because there's always a part of blame that you put on yourself. You know, could I have done this different? Could I have done that different? Could I have not noticed that this person was crying out for help in this way? Or, you know, how could I be so stupid to not know this or not not see that or you know these kind of things where you just kind of put yourself down about it happening and so I think for me something that I really needed to focus on was I did my best and there was nothing else that I could do so even in those moments where I am having you know thoughts I don't want to have or feelings that I don't want to have and pushing me kind of back into that place I kind of just you know remind myself you know I did my best and I'm doing my best with the cards that have been dealt and moving forward in a positive way. And of course, my baby makes it so much easier because I know that I wouldn't have him if that didn't happen to me. We wouldn't have conceived our baby if... that whole mess didn't happen and me and him weren't in this crazy emotional turmoil together and, you know, had a surprise baby out of it. Those kind of things wouldn't have happened if we weren't put in that situation. So he is the gift, I think, from, you know, going through all of that together that we now have him.

SPEAKER_00 26:17

Yeah, and what an incredible thing because, you know, I firmly believe that children are our biggest teachers. And it feels like as I'm hearing you speak that, you know, he's come along to show you that actually you have a lot to learn about you and that he's here to kind of help you kickstart all of that.

SPEAKER_01 26:39

And I think, I mean, for anybody that has, for any woman that has been pregnant, I don't know if this is everyone's experience, but when I was pregnant, I had so many realizations. Like my brain, on a different frequency like i could just i could just kind of reflect on a lot of things that had happened over the years that maybe i hadn't even thought about and again i don't know if that's because of the therapy because my therapist did say Before the therapy started, I want you to write down every single trauma that has ever happened to you in your life. And even for me, that was something that I'd never thought about. You don't sit there and think about all the traumas that have ever happened to you from childhood. You don't write them all down. And she wanted me to rate them out of one to 10, how they affect me now as an adult. And that's just something that you don't do. And even doing that exercise was so difficult and made me really emotional afterwards. And because she said, when we're doing this therapy, there's going to be other things that come up and you might not know that they're going to come up and you might not understand them, but they will come up and It could have been that things were just coming up in my subconscious that I didn't even think of. And my brain was just like working things out and processing things. And I was having just these realizations of, ah, that's how I felt in that situation. And I didn't need to feel like that. Moving forward, I'm going to do this next time. And I don't know if that was being pregnant and just feeling kind of more like spiritual like spiritually connected with everything and um you know feeling like that or if it was the process of the therapy um just you know working in the background of lots of different things because I was I was just thinking about just things would pop into my mind about people just seeing people in their true light or realizing things that happened a long long time ago and just having a completely different perspective on it and just feeling like more empowered and more strong um about loads of different things that had previously happened

SPEAKER_00 28:44

wow and yeah I hear what you're saying and it sounds like this whole and it could well be the combination of the therapy and where you are yeah

SPEAKER_01 28:54

um

SPEAKER_00 28:55

But what I'm also hearing from you is usually when you're pregnant and you may have gone through this as well. So kind of let me let me know what happened. You know, being pregnant, you end up being so focused on the physical body changes, you know, and the pressures of being or looking a certain way. But it sounds like what you were going through was so deep and so kind of almost fifth dimensional connection, like an openness that you almost were using this time to really kind of almost like create clarity into what's happening in your world.

SPEAKER_01 29:37

yeah very much like and kind of like um i feel like the curtains were kind of opened on a lot of different things

SPEAKER_00 29:46

yeah i can we can hear baby in the background he is obviously he's obviously you know this is his appearance his debut yeah um yeah and oh gosh it's just so fascinating listening to you and when you're able to reflect on so many different things and see them exactly like you say like the curtains are opening the truth is there and then you come to this recognition and this realization of where you stand with it all that is truly amazing and what an incredible time to actually have all of this happen as well

SPEAKER_01 30:26

yeah I know. I feel like maybe a lot of people have had that this year for different reasons. I think, you know, the world and lockdown and a lot of things are coming to light. And a lot of people have talked about this, how a lot of things that were in the shadows are coming to light, you know, in many different ways. Lots of different theories that are out there and lots of different spiritual things or, you know, people out there, especially in the public eye and things like that. And I don't know, I just feel like maybe something was there for everyone that you just needed to like tap into a little bit and because it wasn't just for me in that kind of personal sense I know that a lot of people out there are saying you know lots of things have come to light this year particularly or last year particularly and that no one really expected I guess.

SPEAKER_00 31:16

definitely definitely it has been it's there's you know a significant shift and you know for me it's it's this whole recognition of the fact that we are all part of a collective consciousness and so everyone has their almost like their part to play in this and some people will kind of be open to it on a different level to to what you've experienced and that's okay

SPEAKER_01 31:44

yeah and then Throughout that whole process of everything that was happening, obviously I'm talking to you about it and whoever else is listening to this, but there are still some people in my circle, in my close circle, in my family that don't know that any of this happened. And I didn't want to tell everybody because I know that when you tell someone something, you can't take it back and they will never be able to forget that that happened. Even if I've moved past it, We've moved past it. I know that for other people, they will never be able to do that. So I was very deliberate with who I told. And yeah, a lot of them, my family, well, none of my family know that any of this happened. A few of my friends know. And I feel like a few of my friends' relationships have also been jeopardized because they didn't agree with my... my kind of choices to stay in and work through things and move forward

SPEAKER_00 32:52

yeah and this is this is actually quite significant actually and and in fact this was actually what I was going to ask you next is what has what has that been like and and so in terms of you know relationships you know you're saying that a lot of kind of family relationships don't know, but friends have actually said they don't agree with the way that you're doing things. Do they? And obviously, you know, you can understand why, right? Because when you see someone you love get hurt immediately, you just kind of want to stop it. But if we were to kind of turn that on its head, have the choice that you've made to actually go through this process and learn more about yourself and help yourself find this kind of stronger, steadier ground for you. How have they kind of seen that for you? Or is it still very much that they just see you as a victim, as someone who has been hurt and wronged?

SPEAKER_01 33:52

Yeah, I think some people were seeing me like that initially or seeing a situation like that initially. And now they're kind of like maybe a little bit happy. I don't know. I guess they're happy that it has worked out, but maybe they're still like, skeptical but I know for others that they just don't want anything to do with kind of like supporting like our family you know supporting kind of us as a couple and A really, really close friend that I've been friends with since I was really young, who was my bridesmaid when I told her everything that had happened and that we were moving forward and the wedding was going to go ahead. She basically said, well, I'm not going to be your bridesmaid. And I said, well, you know, you're my bridesmaid for me. That's, you know, you're there to support me. And you're not, obviously, you know, it's not really anything to do with you know, him, you're there to support me. And she was basically saying, well, I just can't stand up there and support you two getting married. And that really hurt because, you know, you can only do what you think is right for you. You can't pander to everyone else's opinions. And I didn't, I just said, okay, that's fine. If that's what you want to do, then that's what you want to do. And I didn't kind of like beg or say, oh no, please, please, what can I do to make it better? Or how, you know, I just said, okay, that's your choice. That's what you want to do. And I just left it. And then a few months passed and I think she kind of came to her senses and I saw that she was being quite selfish and basically kind of just acted like she never said it and was just kind of talking about being a bridesmaid again. And, you know, it does piss me off that she said that. And it does make me see her in a different light, I guess. But she's being bridesmaid again. But I feel like our relationship is definitely strained because of all this, because she feels like, I don't know, she, I guess, thinks that her opinion matters or that she's right and I'm wrong or that, you know, she's foreseeing something that is going to happen and that she just doesn't agree with, you know, what we're doing, I guess. and even the sense of you know having a baby the baby was obviously not planned it was a surprise a gift a blessing and even you know us having the baby she's very much like you know well how does he feel about it I know that you two weren't planning on having a baby like now you know I know you wanted to wait like a good few years you know kind of like I guess I don't know if it's If it's good intentions or, again, sceptical of, you know, how we're really feeling about having a baby together. And yeah, just all of these things that I'm still navigating through at the minute, kind of relationships that I feel like have been affected because of it. And I don't know if they ever will not be, but it just makes me happy. again so much more happy with the choices that I made last year to not tell my whole family what had happened and kind of not keep it a secret but just kind of like put that barrier in place and that boundary in place to be like let me figure things out first and then if x or y does happen I will then need to share but when I'm still working things out I feel like this doesn't need to be um you know the story of the year for everybody that isn't directly affected with it because obviously I did I did confined in close friends for support and unfortunately now I don't have that same support because I didn't make the choices that they that they would have taken I guess.

SPEAKER_00 37:41

Wow that's so so that's incredibly difficult it's incredibly difficult because I It sounds like all you were asking for at that time is someone to hold space for you while you worked this out. And that's hard. And the challenge in friendships is our kind of conditioned ideas and programming of friendship are not really about holding space for another person while they go through their stuff. And that's really, really tough. But at the same time, you were incredibly resourceful and were able to identify things that you needed to help you get through this. Because you said that you had a very clear decision, which was you knew you wanted your baby. And that sounds like it was the driver for everything else. And there were certain things here where it may not make sense to everybody, but you were okay with that while you were working out whether it made sense to you or not.

SPEAKER_01 38:40

Yeah. And I think, you know, the stereotypical person would have either said, well maybe not stereotypical but I guess their opinions would have been you know you've done me wrong my ego's hurt my pride's hurt how could you do this to me I'm never trusting you again and you know I'm walking away from my future that I have built with you and what I've known and what I've you know committed to I'm walking away from it and um and then of course when we fell pregnant maybe some people would have been like you know this is not happening I'm not keeping this baby you know and I just knew that he came along for a reason you know and I feel like he was definitely a driving factor in the fact of he deserves way more than to have a um hostile environment and people that aren't happy and people that haven't worked things out and I definitely knew before I gave birth to him that I really really wanted to try and work through as much of the trauma as I could have um because I knew that he didn't deserve to like be around me when I was in that my headspace I guess

SPEAKER_00 39:56

I understand that I totally understand and Amy also sounds like you know you're very the fact that you're very open it's you've accepted it sounds like that this is a journey it's a process it's not like it's done and dusted it's not you know it it's ongoing

SPEAKER_01 40:12

and I feel like that's something that my friends like have struggled to understand as well they seem to think like oh the baby's here and the wedding's back on so you know we're forgetting everything that's ever happened and that's not it at all like you're still

SPEAKER_00 40:28

moving forward hey how is the little man he sounds like he's he's had enough of this now

SPEAKER_01 40:36

I know. Well, I think I've just distracted him. Or maybe not. He's teething. Oh,

SPEAKER_00 40:44

he's absolutely gorgeous. So I'd like to round off, Amy, if that's okay. And what I'd really kind of like is what was that one big clear insight moment for you where things just kind of went, no, this is it. This is the moment.

SPEAKER_01 41:05

I think finding out I was pregnant.

SPEAKER_00 41:06

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 41:08

And I knew before I took the test. I just knew. So yeah, I think that moment for me was the moment where I was like, okay, there is another person that's going to be involved in all of this, an innocent person with all of this. So I think that was the moment that I knew kind of, okay, this is like a sign that things are going to be changing and moving forward and I mean, it's taken a lot of manifestation of, you know, how I want to be, how I want his life to be right now and how I want to move forward. And it's, you know, it's been a choice to move forward in a positive way. It's been a choice to bring him into the world, a choice to move forward in a positive way, a choice to like work on our relationship and ourselves and like commit to, you know, And I'm grateful that like, It did happen because I know that if it didn't happen, then I wouldn't have him. Like it's so easy to say, oh, I just wish I could turn back the clock and none of this would have happened. But then again, I think, well, I wouldn't have had him if none of this had happened. So it just doesn't make sense. Like it had to happen for me to have him. Of

SPEAKER_00 42:33

course. Yeah, no, I fully understand that. And you said the most kind of powerful thing is that you've recognised that that you have a choice and that is the most important thing. Thank you so much, Amy, for joining me.

UNKNOWN 42:54

Thank you.