Unarmored Talk

Surviving Sibling Loss: Grieving an Army Medic Brother Lost in Combat

• Dr. Dawn DiRaimondo • Episode 133

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In this episode of Unarmored Talk Podcast, Dr. Dawn DiRaimondo, a Clinical Psychologist, shares her journey through sibling loss after her brother Michael, an Army flight medic, was killed in Iraq.

Together, we explore the often-overlooked grief of surviving siblings, who are frequently overshadowed by society's focus on parental loss. Dawn reflects on how this experience reshaped her career and her insights as a therapist, as detailed in her book, Surviving Sibling Loss: The Invisible Thread that Connects Us Through Life and Death. Through personal stories and expert insights, this episode offers understanding and support for those navigating grief and cherishing loved ones amidst loss.

Whether you're navigating your path of sorrow or supporting someone who is, Dawn's empathetic approach and expert insights provide solace and guidance for those grappling with grief.

Guest Link:
https://drdawndiraimondo.com/

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Mario P. Fields:

Welcome back to Unarmored Talk Podcast. Thank you so much for listening and watching each episode and continue, please, to share with your friends and family members and colleagues, and don't forget to leave a rating or review if you feel this is an awesome show. And you can connect to all of my social media on the Parade Deck Just look in the show notes. Media on the parade deck just look in the show notes. Or you can put in the search engine Mario P Fields parade deck and get all access to my social media. Well, let's get ready to interview another guest who is willing to remove their armor to help other people. Welcome back everyone to the unarmored talk podcast. I am still your host after 5,000 years, mario P Fields, and if you are the first time listener or you're watching this on YouTube, welcome to the show. Hopefully you come back and hopefully you check out some of the previous 130 plus amazing episodes and if you are returning, thank you so much for your support and thank you for sharing, liking. You so much for your support and thank you for sharing, liking, reviewing, leaving comments and everything, because you guys know, know the deal Anytime you do anything on audio or video, it raises pennies that turns into dollars. That turns into hundreds of dollars that have been donated to still serving, incorporated my nonprofit, since 2018. Donated to Still Serving Incorporated my nonprofit since 2018. And we have been donating lots of money to the two schools in Pitt County, north Carolina. If you want to learn more about my nonprofit, go to wwwstillservinginccom. Let's make a difference in low-income communities.

Mario P. Fields:

Well, with that said, today I have an amazing guest. Low-income communities. Well, with that said, today I have an amazing guest. I say that for every guest because they are amazing, but she is just very unique because she is a clinical psychologist. Did I get that right? Yeah, and it's doctor. I wanted to say that first before I let you guys know Dr Dawn DeRomando. She's also an author and she does a lot of things in her community, and she's also tied to the military. We'll get into that topic on. How is she connected to the military. How should I address you? Dawn D Square doctor, what do you want? Dawn is great Everyone. Dawn, dawn, don please tell the listeners and viewers just a little bit about who don is who?

Dr. Dawn DiRaimondo:

who am I? Gosh? That's a good question. Um, I am a married mom of two, I have two teenagers, I'm a clinical psychologist with a practice in Sacramento, and I am a sibling. Survivor meaning or surviving sibling?

Dr. Dawn DiRaimondo:

Yeah, anyhow, I'm here to talk about something that isn't really discussed enough, which is living with the loss of a sibling, and I lost my brother, michael, when he was 22 years old, in 2004. He was a flight medic in the army. He was serving in Iraq and he had been there for almost a year and he was supposed to come home within six weeks and unfortunately that didn't happen. Unfortunately, he was on a helicopter and it was shot down and all nine people on board died instantly. So that sort of threw me into this world of grief and loss.

Dr. Dawn DiRaimondo:

I'd been a newly licensed therapist at the time and it just changed our lives. It changed my life, it changed my family. You know he was at war and I guess we knew sort of that was a possibility, but you know he was almost home and mission after mission had gone okay, and so we were still totally shocked, you know, obviously, um, and not prepared for what that would do to our lives, what that would do to our lives. But anyhow, I guess I learned through being in therapy myself and how to live with this type of loss and basically now I teach other people how to do that too.

Mario P. Fields:

Wow, I mean, before we get more into the topic, you know my I'm not going to say sorry for your loss. I think that's kind of metaphoric. If you will, I will continue to intentionally pray for understanding, and I know the grieving process never ends for you and your family. And I'm also going to do a special prayer for you, dawn. You have two teenagers, my daughter's 29 and my son's 27. And we are newly. You know we're grandparents, right? Oh, so we've survived that combat operation of teenagers seriously yeah yes, yes, so so special, everyone of you listening and watching.

Mario P. Fields:

Before we get into a very, um, emotional topic, say a prayer for dawn and her husband. Yeah, thank, thank you.

Dr. Dawn DiRaimondo:

Right, my daughter is going to take her driver's license test next month, so I have so much more respect for anyone who teaches a human being how to drive, because that alone is not for the faint of heart. We've got the magnets and everything Right, Like you know student driver and but it's still scary.

Mario P. Fields:

Wow, yeah Well, so's still scary, wow, yeah Well, so so yeah, yeah, I have a special beverage over here we can Uber it virtually.

Mario P. Fields:

That way you guys can have a good night's sleep, but let's get to you know. So, like you mentioned, you know and as a veteran myself and combat, you know have lots of combat experience. A lot of times we would hear About the families, the grandmother, the mom, the dad, the aunts, uncles, whatever and help them get through the loss of a service member, but this is the first time that I am going to get a perspective from a sibling. Never thought about that, even with my own children, Right, and you in their six weeks, how? First of all, what went through your mind when you got this horrible news about your brother?

Dr. Dawn DiRaimondo:

I literally froze. My sister had to be the one to tell me because I was at work and my dad couldn't reach me and she didn't realize at first that she had to be the one to tell me. And so I answered the phone and she realized that I didn't know already and and she said, basically Michael's killed. And I just froze and she's like, did you hear me? And I said, yeah, and she's like you need to come home. Yeah, and she's like you need to come home. I said, okay, you need to come home now. I said, okay, like I couldn't process it and home was Southern California, I was living in Northern California and or I still am. And so I just like told my supervisor I have to go home, this just If I'm not back by Monday. And it was like Thursday. She's like Dawn, you're not going to be back by Monday, you know, just just go, don't worry about it. And I, you know like don't worry about here. And I couldn't even believe I was driving, like it was just like this is so surreal. And I was on a plane within I don't know two, three hours and I was, you know, home for two weeks, of course. And there's just like no words and, like you were saying, this is the first even thought about it.

Dr. Dawn DiRaimondo:

Siblings are literally called the forgotten mourners because they get completely lost in the shuffle. Right, the focus is on the parents because they've lost a child. The siblings focus is often on the parents to help them, and people don't know what to do or say. So if people say anything, it's how is your mom, how are your parents? You know, and so often, especially if you lose a sibling as a young person, I was like 28, I mean most of my partner, I mean nobody can relate to significant loss and often don't for decades. And so you know, and then, even as you're grieving, people in society think, well, three months is you know, or six months is enough time, right? Like aren't we moving on? And people are shell shocked for a long time, right, for years really. And so even if you get support, you typically lose it way too soon.

Dr. Dawn DiRaimondo:

And so it was just crazy and you know, and at the time there was one book on sibling loss, one book, right. And so it's partly why I wrote a book, although it was 16 years later. I had a client because I it was 16 years later, I had a client, because I ended up specializing in grief and loss in my practice sort of not intentionally, but when you sort of know this, it's just, and there aren't enough words for it, and so it's just a known place that I really work from. And I had a client sort of casually mentioned, like there's really not that many resources for sibling loss, and so I was like really, I mean, I assumed it had changed in 16 something years. And so of course I Googled it. Googled it and there was like a handful of books, but there's more written on it, like every other kind of loss, you know, as there should be, but there should be more on this too.

Dr. Dawn DiRaimondo:

And so I sort of started writing and I thought, oh, my God, I think I'm writing a book, like I think that's what's happening right now, and, and so I felt like, if I can, I should. And so I did, and and it's nice getting feedback that it's helpful to people and everybody. It's wild, everybody says the same thing. I feel so alone, I don't know what to do. Nobody knows how to talk to me about this, you know. And so the book sort of just gives some suggestions. How do you live with this? Because to me this is something you live with. It's not something you get over, it's not something you move on from. You know you learn to live with the loss of your sibling and how to kind of put the pieces back together your sibling, and how to kind of put the pieces back together and that's what I do and I think it can.

Mario P. Fields:

You know, I believe it can be applied to anyone. You know, unfortunately. You know your brother was 22 and was he the baby.

Dr. Dawn DiRaimondo:

He was right, he was the youngest of three, the only boy in our Italian family. You know the surname kind of the whole Right. Di Raimondo. I mean just, it was yeah.

Mario P. Fields:

Wow. And so at what point, dawn, did you realize? You know, at what point did you go? I need help?

Dr. Dawn DiRaimondo:

Oh, I think probably from the very beginning. I need help? Oh, I think probably from the very beginning. Luckily as a therapist even my graduate program you can't even finish school until you do a year of consecutive weekly therapy, which a lot of people don't know, and not all programs require it.

Dr. Dawn DiRaimondo:

But I'm so glad mine did, because you have to know what it's like to be a client to be a good therapist and the very best therapists I know have done a ton of their own therapy because you have to be committed to personal growth if you're going to help other people do the same. So I don't remember if I was already in therapy or got myself into therapy, but I, that was huge, huge, huge, because I was so focused on helping my parents, and especially my mom, for a long time, like I'm pretty sure she cried for like at least five years straight every day I mean it was I was going down to Southern California, a lot, it was just tough.

Dr. Dawn DiRaimondo:

And then I I think I got married two years later and then had my daughter a year after that, and so there was so much life happening while we were grieving right.

Dr. Dawn DiRaimondo:

You know, and so that's another thing I help people with is how do you still integrate your loved one, like I'm getting married, what do I? I can't not mention him. So we mentioned him, you know, we sort of you know, said, you know, for those who are here in spirit including, we'd mentioned his name and who traveled from all over to come here and we thanked people and, you know, at a table with his picture and my grandparents' pictures, we just figured out ways to incorporate him into our life and that's what helped us and that's what felt right to us and that's what I help clients do now too.

Dr. Dawn DiRaimondo:

You know the anniversaries are coming up for people the death anniversary or their birthdays and I talk about what do you, what do you want to do? Because nobody has those conversations with people typically, you know, and other cultures just do it really well, where they have annual memorials right, you know, day of the dead and Buddhist cultures and our Buddhism, you know they have these annual things you just plug into and people show up, but most of us don't have that and so people are alone with it after the funeral. There's just nothing else to plug into and it's tough to grieve alone.

Mario P. Fields:

It is. And the key point you mentioned one it was a choice. I mean, although you know, like you said, that's your profession, that doesn't necessarily mean you're good at self-reflection and self-awareness. That's a soft skill and I love how, I love the approach you took, where you know, yeah, I went through this academic program, I have this experience, but that doesn't mean I'm not human, and so I'm going to focus on this grief process and how life doesn't stop, metaphorically Not. You're grieving and then here comes the wedding and here comes a child, and mom is just in SoCal, you know, and dad and what's going on. And oh, my goodness, did you, did you find yourself kind of holding on to like some of his, his pictures or things and and and like just really holding on wishing that like this is him, even though it's not him? Did that ever happen?

Dr. Dawn DiRaimondo:

um, you know it's interesting if I ever saw someone that looked like him in public, you know, because you miss seeing them, right, you just literally miss physically seeing them and I can believe spiritually he's, you know, still around, but it's not the same as physically seeing someone. So I remember I'd almost I mean it sounds weird, but borrow me Like I would see someone and be like I'm going to look a little longer than I should here because he looks like Michael. You know, he looks like my brother and I miss seeing him.

Mario P. Fields:

Yeah that is Dawn, that is, you're helping me on the show, you guys. You guys know the deal. I get to learn more about the guests on the show. It keeps it authentic and just listening to you it made me realize why I always look at my daughter. When I see my daughter, I just, like you, remind me so much of my mother because my daughter looks like my mom and she passed. So I never thought about that and I hope the listeners and viewers are listening to that. It's more than just a piece of cloth or a picture. Someone can look like your, look like your loved one, and so did you ever have any triggers or anything? Where you're around a military, you hear a helicopter like how did that impact you? I know sometimes that could be a trigger.

Dr. Dawn DiRaimondo:

You know it's interesting. I think we saw things like that as signs more than triggers. I think we we thought, well, maybe it's a sign, you know, because we believe in that there's different signs, in his way of like saying hello, and and. So I looked at it like that. What was more triggering, honestly, is when I would work with parents, maybe, and or let's say, I'm working with their kids and their parents were really dismissive and didn't want to spend time with them. Parents were really dismissive and didn't want to spend time with them. Or I got mad when I saw examples of people that could spend time together and they just didn't make good choices. They kept prioritizing everything else you know and I'd say I would give anything for five more minutes and you live five minutes away and you don't even see your kid or your brother or whatever you know. Honestly, that was more triggering because and this is what I say that you know, grief, the change that happens to you isn't all bad. People can't hear that in the beginning, but eventually you you get it Like I don't take time or relationships for granted, like the bubbles burst and it never gets put back together again the same way, and when people haven't gone through significant loss.

Dr. Dawn DiRaimondo:

I feel like you could see them just assume they will get to it someday, will do it someday, there's plenty of time and they don't prioritize relationships. I think the way well, the way I do now you know, you just live life with a lot more clarity on what's important and you're given the reminder. Really we all have a timeline, we just don't know what it is, and so I feel like I don't take time for granted, and so it's more triggering when I feel like I see people not, I guess, valuing relationships, especially if I'm working with a client that's hurt by it. That was more triggering. That's hurt by it, you know it's. That was more triggering.

Mario P. Fields:

Wow, you guys, you guys heard her from Dawn, you, you can. You can turn any situation into a learning situation. I love how you put that, dawn, where you know you're more intentional, there's more clarity and and that, and I hope, hope listeners and viewers take that and be more intentional when they open their eyes. Like Nicole and I were pretty short so we actually have to jump out of the bed. But, dawn, I could have you on this show forever because you're amazing and I've been blessed to have just such amazing guests. But before I let you go, looking back, and before we you know, matter of fact, before we do this, what is the name of your book and how can people buy it? Guys, if you're not buying it after this show, shame on you.

Dr. Dawn DiRaimondo:

Surviving, slimming Loss, the invisible thread that connects us through life and death, and it's available on Amazon, audible, kindle, like everything. I basically wanted it accessible to anybody in their preferred way of listening or reading books, so it should be, except in bookstores. It's not going to be in a traditional bookstore, but other than that, it's available and it really has. I have an entire chapter about the most helpful things we did to cope, and I interviewed 14 other people who lost siblings for the book, so that it isn't just my story of how I lost my brother, but whether someone lost a sibling to accidents, suicide, cancer, all these different ways. Helpful things they did too, because there were some great examples or stories.

Dr. Dawn DiRaimondo:

And so and it's not a, it's not a long book because what I know as a therapist is people that are traumatized. They can't focus for long, you're tired and the chapters are short. It's a pretty quick read. People even say it's an easy read, even though it's emotional. It's not a bunch of jargon, it's. This is what it's validating what people often feel, and it gives people ideas on what they can do.

Mario P. Fields:

Don, I will get a copy for for myself, too. I wish I would have known. Yeah, I lost my little brother three days after I retired in 2019. Yeah, and I, so I wish I would definitely get a copy.

Dr. Dawn DiRaimondo:

Well, I will send you a copy.

Mario P. Fields:

So yeah, and I again, like you said, I wish I had that. Where I can go? Okay, I just lost a baby brother. How, how in the hell do I navigate this? So thank you, Just just thank you for being you. Thank you for making the choice to take a very challenging situation, unexpected situation, with you know, with your 22-year-old amazing little brother, and then really helping the world do great things. Looking back, if you had to give one piece of advice to yourself when you were 28, when this happened, what would you give?

Dr. Dawn DiRaimondo:

To myself Mm-hmm, I don't know. I'm sure that I got myself into therapy and just to keep taking it one day at a time, that I, you know, kind of trying to reassure myself that I would learn how to cope with it and get through it and that it won't always be as hard as it is in the beginning, and just to have faith in that process. And I guess, I don't know, nowadays there's so many other resources. You know I didn't have the Facebook groups or the podcasts that exist or even other books. So I'm glad that today people have a little bit more to plug into than I had. So I don't know, I guess I'm just grateful that I got to here, because it hasn't been easy, and I'm just grateful for this journey. That was super unexpected. But you know, I guess just life turns out the way it does and we have to do the best we can with it, and I hope that I've done that and I hope I've made my brother proud in the process.

Mario P. Fields:

Well, I believe you have, and not just your brother but your entire family, and again, my heart and prayers will continue to go out to your, your, your family and your brother, in in what I believe in heaven and and and for all of those who not just served in the military but first responders had just people with siblings in the world, I just want to say we'll continue to pray for everyone If you ever lose a sibling, or if you are going to lose a sibling and, like like Dawn said, you may not even know we don't know the time when it will happen, but thank you so much for having me on and bringing this topic to light.

Dr. Dawn DiRaimondo:

I appreciate it and sharing.

Mario P. Fields:

No, you are amazing. We got to have you back on the show.

Dr. Dawn DiRaimondo:

Sounds good. I would be happy to come back.

Mario P. Fields:

We'll reverse roles.

Dr. Dawn DiRaimondo:

That's right, that's right, that's right.

Mario P. Fields:

Everyone. That's just a little secret. Something will be coming up, a special episode in the future, but until then, in a couple of weeks, you guys know the deal. I will continue to pray that God continues to bless you, the listener, viewers, your family and friends and all living beings around you. Dawn, take care.

Dr. Dawn DiRaimondo:

Thank you.

Mario P. Fields:

Thank you for listening to this most recent episode and remember you can listen and watch all of the previous episodes on my YouTube channel. The best way to connect to me and all of my social media is follow me on the parade deck that is wwwparadecom, or you can click on the link in the show notes. I'll see you guys soon.

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