The Hardest Question Veterans Face: Who Are You?

Who are you when the uniform comes off?

In this episode of Unarmored Talk, I sit down with Angeletha Long, a U.S. Army veteran of 24 years and leadership strategist, to unpack one of the hardest questions veterans face after service: Who are you—really?

We go beyond the surface of transition and get into the identity shift that happens when the structure, mission, and title you’ve lived by are no longer there. Angeletha shares how this question showed up in her own life, how mental health counseling became a turning point, and why so many veterans struggle in silence trying to redefine themselves.

This conversation challenges the idea that identity is something you “find.” Instead, it’s something you build—through changing your environment, taking small steps, and surrounding yourself with the right people. From isolation to community, from overthinking to action, this episode offers a practical and honest look at rebuilding purpose after service.

If you’re navigating life after the military or questioning who you are beyond what you did, this episode will help you start answering that question with intention.

⏱️ Chapters

0:00 Welcome And Guest Introduction
 1:24 Losing Yourself In Roles
 4:54 Leaving Service And Identity Shock
 9:24 Therapy As The Turning Point
 10:24 Change Your Environment To Think
 12:21 Purpose Grows Through Small Steps
 14:27 Community Networks And Real Support
 20:15 Jamaica And The Power Of Travel
 21:24 The Mentorship Regret And Lesson
 23:45 Where To Find Angelita Closing

Transcript

Mario P. Fields 0:04

Welcome to Unarmored Talk, where we remove the armor, have real conversations, and strengthen how we think and respond to life. Everyone, I'm your host and still your host since 2020, Mario P. Fields for the first time. Listeners and viewers, welcome to the show. For you all that's been with me for just five six years. Thank you so much. You guys are awesome. Today I am joined by Angelita Long. She is an experienced leader strategist. She's an entrepreneur. She's got that courage, man, to take some risk. And she's dedicated her life to helping people and organizations lead with purpose. But most importantly, she's a veteran. She did 24 years. Drum roll. Everyone, United States. Army, Angelita, welcome to the show.

SPEAKER_00 0:58

Well, thank you. Thank you, Mario. Thank you for having me. I am happy to be here.

Mario P. Fields 1:03

Thank you so much. And um this year, Go Navy again, you know, this year, 2026.

SPEAKER_00 1:10

That was that was a fluke.

Mario P. Fields 1:13

Go Navy beat Army. So Angelita, can you tell the listeners and viewers a little bit about you?

SPEAKER_00 1:24

A little bit about me. If you'd asked me this about three years ago when I was just getting out of the army, I wouldn't know how to answer. Because for a long time, I don't really think I knew who I was or what I was about because I was always defined by roles. Mother, wife, soldier, auntie, daughter. And so I don't know, am I already getting emotional?

Mario P. Fields 2:12

Don't worry about it. It's on armored.

SPEAKER_00 2:16

I mean Lord have mercy. I learned how to be strong early. Yeah. And if you're wondering what I'm talking about, when I was 16, I got pregnant. And so responsibility came. Responsibility came early. And it took me a really long time to figure me out. I was always on the go and I didn't know how to turn it off because it was just it was just what I do. Or maybe it was just what I thought I was supposed to be doing. I'm still working through trying to figure out who I truly am. But the one thing I do know is that not because I I know how to carry it means that I'm supposed to carry it all. But in my day-to-day life, what I do is outside of all the roles, I work with organizations who are interested in leadership development, leadership training, and leadership, leadership retreats. I am a big uh proponent proponent of you know changing your environment to change your thinking.

Mario P. Fields 4:00

Yeah. And what you just shared, and I see it in in my other passion of um uh doing the employment workshops for transitioning service members and spouses. You know, I do these for about 1.6,000 annually. And you mentioned something that I would love to talk about, and that is the struggle of identity when they separate. And some of them never ever get to the point where they can look in the mirror and at least go, I think I know a little bit about who I am, and not what rank or title or anything that represented my identity. What was the first step? When did you realize that? Heck, I don't even know who I am.

SPEAKER_00 4:59

Listen, Mario, you know, you talked about those, you know, the plethora of people that you help. And I would tell you, and you probably know this from experience, the struggle is real.

Mario P. Fields 5:11

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 5:12

It is, it is, because for so long, you know, we're we're wrapped up in our titles or roles. And if you stay in the military as long as I've been in the military, it becomes your life. It is how it is how a lot of us identify ourselves and you know, not to go off on this other tangent. And that is why the suicide rate is so high in veterans, because once we leave the service, uh, it's like we we lose our identity and we don't know how to go out and find who we really are. So as I was getting out of the military, so I I think I was fortunate as I was going through my transition, I had a I had an Air Force PCM, and we had a we had a good relationship. Uh, my primary care provider, uh, and we had a good relationship, and he suggested that I saw um I get some mental health counseling because he was saying, I meant think I don't need it, but he recommended I do it. And I I started it, and so I had my therapist to talk to, and that was um, that was the question she asked me, and I'm like, huh? I'm like, Wow, like, who are you? I'm like, I don't know. Wow, and I never had to think about it before, and so within months of getting out of the military, I had to create a whole new identity around you know Angelita Long and not uh Major Long. And when I say it it was a struggle, it was because it was kind of like I was starting again from the bottom. I was now PFC, PFC Leslie, who came in the military 24 years ago, and and I had to work my my way up, just like I how I had to figure out how to operate, you know, um as a soldier, I now how to figure out how to be me, how to operate as a civilian. So thankfully, you know, I had that help early on, and I was able to figure it out soon after, soon after getting out of the military. And I know honestly, I'm still I'm still working on it. I'm still working on it.

Mario P. Fields 7:52

Yeah. You know, and what a powerful question. Who are you? And and and then to be able to answer that in an accurate way, not with a belief or a bias. And and thank goodness that you accepted the wisdom to get a therapist. I mean, you didn't have to, that was a choice. And for everyone listening, you know, I recommend you do the same. You you may be amazed on what you discover where you didn't think you need help, and like Angelita said, she didn't even know what she needed help. So so now you get this question, it's very complex. You walk you know, essentially out of this session going, Who am I? What were some of the first steps that you took that help you start to gain a better understanding of who you are first, which led to redefining a new purpose in life?

SPEAKER_00 8:54

So um some of the first steps. I'm not I can't exactly remember exactly how I went through it, but what I do know is that sitting at home thinking about it didn't give me any answers. It it did, and what I realized is trying to get clarity in the same environment, it's really hard because it's almost like you're just on autopilot. Because when you're in the same place, it's the same thinking. Uh, you just keep thinking about the same things over and over and over again because you're in the same environment. So, what I found in order to really think to get clarity on what I needed, I needed a change of environment. When I really need to think about something, I had to get out the house. You know, it all it wasn't always an you know, elaborate long trip somewhere. It could be something as simple as going to sit, um, sit out on the um the bench at Starbucks, going, you know, getting out the house. You have to change your environment. For me, that's what I realized. I had to change my environment because sitting in the same place just was not help. It wasn't helping me at all. And so I started doing that. So it became a part of my weekly battle rhythm for lack of a better term, is I had to get out the house at least once a week and go somewhere else to think.

Mario P. Fields 10:32

Yeah, good tip. Change your environment. I would have never thought about that as step one, you know, change, change your environment. So you change your environment, you know, you you you change your environment and things are starting to move a little forward. Um, and and the interesting thing is now you help people find purpose, which is just awesome. During this journey, um, when did the light, you know, the metaphoric light bulb go off where you go, uh you know what? I know who I am now. I'm starting to figure this thing out. You know, I am someone who cares about people, I am someone who owns their time and I'm willing to give it to others. Like, when did that happen?

SPEAKER_00 11:12

Ah, it's funny. It's funny you would you would say that because it um even though we we seem to think that things happen overnight, you know, you because you wake up one day and all of a sudden the light bulb goes off and it's ding ding ding. But it in reality, if we're being honest, it doesn't happen that way. It's the little things that build up over time and all of a sudden they come together. All the little pieces come together. And I was doing, let me see, let me see which year it was. I think it I think it was the summer of 2024. And and I was doing a retreat and I was on a cruise ship. I like to cruise. Um I was doing a retreat, and one of the things that I do at the beginning, um, somewhere early in this stage of the at the retreat, I ask, I get a little gif, I get little gifts for everyone, and I ask everyone to come up and take a gift and uh tell us why they decided to join us that year. And so as people was as they were doing that, it's like, you know, this this sense of, you know, a home, it's like a homey sense, almost like I don't like to use the word of arrived, but kind of like I'm home, I'm here, this is what I want to do.

Mario P. Fields 12:53

It's almost like clarity.

SPEAKER_00 12:56

Yeah, yeah. So it was it was doing that retreat. I'm like, I think I figured it out.

Mario P. Fields 13:04

And I love, you know, Angelita, I love how you you talked about the combination where it's not just linear, you know, it's not A or B, but it's the combination of things and the journey, being patient to because just listening to you like you said, it wasn't overnight, it was a journey. Um, and now look at you still evolving. Was there was there um was there any moments where there was someone in your network that you saw going through the same struggles that you had experienced? And if so, how did you help them?

SPEAKER_00 13:58

We have we have we have a little group where I live. Most of us, most of us are veterans, uh, just getting out of the military. Some are still try some are trying to figure out what they want to do. Um, some are in the early stages of entrepreneurship. And you know, it's like the question you asked when we started earlier, you know, how do you, when you're getting out, how do you, you know figure out who you are? And so I see it in quite a few uh for our service members as we exit. And so in our little group, it's it's things we talk about. Yeah. And so I'm uh encouraging the people that are just getting out of the military that are in our group to talk, to um to give it back, uh, pay it forward as they're exiting, look behind them, look at the people who are just uh about to come out and encourage them to start their network. Because that is one of the big things that we need as we're exiting the military, is that network, you need that community. Uh, because when we're in the military, it's automatically assigned to us when you PCS, you go to your unit, and that's you know, that's your little community, that's your home away from home. But when you're out of, when you get out, you don't have that. You need to either go out and create it or you know, find it, um, find a network, a community that you could um that you're comfortable, and then it's kind of what we're doing. So, you know, as as we pull those people in and we talk to them about the um, you know, getting out of the military and only so it was the end of March, we have this one particular person still in um actually he got his retirement papers um last oh this month. This month. He just got his retirement paper this month. Uh but he's someone that inner a group and asked quite a lot of questions. And so here's the I may be rambling, but here's the thing. A lot of times we seek mentors, and our mentors don't really help us as much as we want because they're so far removed. And it's kind of what I'm trying, I'm trying to close the gap. Um, is why I'm bringing in so um some people because we need people who are closer to where we used to be so they understand what it's like. And so it really warmed my heart when um at the end of March I invited him to be on a panel with me. And he came back and he told me he he was uh, you know, he was grateful, but he was like, I would have never felt comfortable retiring if I hadn't found this group. Um so and so, like I said, you know, there are there are a couple of people who are uh entrepreneurs and they're in the early stage in the building their business and they have questions. The systems are there, but it's not always that easy to go find the answers. But you know, when you have your community, when you find your tribe and you can go to them, you know, with the questions you have because you know that they have been through what you've been, it's still fresh in their mind and they could give you guidance. And you know, it's it's it's really big. Uh, another person uh that stand out with me, it's um sometimes we don't realize that we're outgrowing the people that we we surround and that we surround ourselves with. Uh, you know, again, a veteran, early stage of entrepreneurship, and she's talking about how the people in her life, they're not supporting us. And so it was something that, so I see the surprise in your face, but it's something that I have to educate the new entrepreneurs on is support comes in different forms. Uh, you know, what support means to me isn't necessarily what it means to you. So it's something we need to take a deep a hard look at and see what they're doing. Is it that they're not supporting us or they're not supporting us the way we want them to?

Mario P. Fields 18:31

Yeah, no, I love that. I mean, shared and then lots of wonderful tips, Angela. You know, one for for you know, from being intentional when you build your network, it's powerful to have folks with shared experiences. And then, and then your last point, um, you know, just because I believe what support means may not mean it's shared. And so defining that, and then getting folks to open up the talk. And thank goodness for your therapist. You know, thank goodness for the person who had the courage to go, Angelita, who are you? And and so thank you so much. I mean, you know, from 16 years of age to now showing resilience, courage, development, and it's a choice. And for listeners and viewers, again, it's a choice. And I hope you guys learned something from this show to choose and continue to develop, find purpose, and change your environment, shared experiences with folks around you can make a one world of difference. If people want to find you, how can they find you, Angelita?

SPEAKER_00 19:33

So um, I am on LinkedIn. I know my name is my name is a mouthful, but I am on LinkedIn, Angelita Long. Um, that would be the easiest way to um to find me.

Mario P. Fields 19:46

Yeah, that's just cool. Well, before I ask you the last question, what's your uh, I love your accent. So what's uh tell the listeners and viewers, what's your uh ethnicity?

SPEAKER_00 19:55

Oh, oh my gosh, we never got there. So I'm from Jamaica. And you know, it's one of the reasons why the environment is uh is a big thing for me. Uh, because growing up in Jamaica, my mom went ran a villa. And so I learned at an early age that you know, the transformative power of travel and how environment can change your life. Because I watched her do it for so many people who um they came to the villa as strangers and they left as friends.

Mario P. Fields 20:25

That is that is cool in that entrepreneur space. Came as strangers. I like that. That's a good slogan.

SPEAKER_00 20:31

Came as strangers, as long as you give me credit.

Mario P. Fields 20:34

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need 10% property. You know what I'm saying? We can we can negotiate. I like that one. Hey everyone, welcome to my company. You can come as a stranger, but you're gonna leave as a friend. That is that is cool. Last thing, because I can hold you on this show forever, like the other guests, and I'm not gonna be, you know, I'm not gonna be uh selfish. If you were standing next to yourself, okay, when you first join the army, and if you could give yourself advice, what would it be?

SPEAKER_00 21:07

Um seek seek mentors early. Um, when someone offered you help, uh take them up on their help. So in my early, and I hope I have time for this, but early in my career, I was uh approached by a uh uh a brigade commander, he was African American, and I'm not being racist or sexist, but female uh soldiers don't get as much mentorship as the male soldiers, and neither does African American soldiers compared to our Caucasian counterparts. Yeah. So um, you know, go out and look for mentors, and when someone approaches you, take them up. So where I was going, uh a brigade commander, African American, I was just walking down the street minding my business, and he approached me and he gave me his card and he was like, Come see me. And I was like Feel really scared. I'm like, why is the coming anyone to talk to me? And I kept asking everybody and their mama who's this person. And they all told me, you know, he's great, he looked out for his people, he takes care of his people. But the the short, the moral story is I never went, and I regret it uh to this day. So, you know, when someone reaches out to pull you up, you know, put the hand out, let them help you out. And if there's no one reaching out, go out and find mentors. Um, if you're the only person talking in your head, it's gonna be very hard for you to advance, uh, you know, at a rapid pace. You can go so much further when someone is helping you than when you try to do it on your own.

Mario P. Fields 22:42

That is that is so cool. Thank you so much for taking time out of your uh schedule and life to be on the show with me, Angelita. By the way, your name is not long, it's easy. Angelita, everyone. You can you say it two times, it just rolls right off your tongue. Angelita Long. It flows like combined arms for you guys in the uh infantry there. But thank you so much. Please um have a wonderful day, and I appreciate you being on the show.

SPEAKER_00 23:10

Awesome. Thank you so very much for having me. I appreciate you. Have a great day, you too.

Mario P. Fields 23:15

Well, everyone, you guys know the deal to the next episode. I will continue to pray for you, your family, and friends. So please stay unarmored and stay mentally strong. God bless.