Have You Been So Busy Taking Care of Everyone Else That You Forgot About Yourself?

Have You Been So Busy Taking Care of Everyone Else That You Forgot About Yourself?

In this episode, I am joined by Amber Houghton, a retired U.S. Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and founder of Elite Performance Strategies. Together, we explore the leadership trap—the tendency to spend so much time caring for others that we lose sight of ourselves.

Amber shares how military service, leadership, retirement, divorce, and personal transition challenged her identity and taught her the importance of resilience, healthy boundaries, and self-care. Whether you're a leader, parent, caregiver, veteran, or someone others depend on, this conversation offers practical insights to help you care for others without abandoning yourself.

👇 Chapters:

0:00 Welcome And Meet Amber Houghton
1:45 A Rough Start And A 28-Year Career
6:08 When The Strong One Falls Apart
8:22 Divorce, Blame, And The Cost Of Armor
11:16 The Helper Addiction And The Boundary Wake-Up
14:38 Enforcing Boundaries With Kindness
17:00 Ask Better Questions Before You Help
19:35 Do Not Abandon Yourself
21:11 Connection Over Isolation And Closing

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What's one boundary you're working to strengthen?

Connect with Amber 👉 Amber Houghton | LinkedIn

Transcript

Welcome And Meet Amber Houghton

Mario P. Fields 0:05

Welcome to Unarmor Talk, where we remove the armor, have real conversations, and strengthen how we think and respond to life. I'm still your host, Mario P. Fields. And I want to say thank you to all the listeners and viewers again. Every episode I will not take for granted. I will thank you guys because if it weren't for you, there's no way this show would be uh rapidly approaching six years and running. Today I'm joined by Amber Hooton. Did I say right? Hooton?

Amber Houghton 0:34

Houghton it's okay.

Mario P. Fields 0:35

Houghton. Houghton. I got it, hey guys, I gotta get it right now.

Amber Houghton 0:38

It's a common mispronunciation.

Mario P. Fields 0:40

That's why I want to get it. I want to be accurate. Houghton. Amber Houghton, a retired U.S. Air Force Chief Master Sergeant, everyone. That is not an easy rank to achieve. By the way, for the civilians out there, that's that's that's hard. It's hard to get. It's way at the top, if you will. She spent about 28 years in the United States Air Force, leading uh, you know, folks all over the world, advising uh officers and more. And she's now the founder of Elite Performance Strategies, and she helps leaders, athletes, teams perform under pressure by developing clarity, resilience, and more. Amber, what's up and welcome to the show?

Amber Houghton 1:22

That was an excellent introduction. Thank you, Mario.

Mario P. Fields 1:26

You know, I was a little nervous. I was uh rehearsed it for about seven seven months. No, I'm just nice.

Amber Houghton 1:31

Yeah, I love it. I know I'm excited to be here. Thank you so much for inviting me. I'm really looking forward to this conversation. Getting raw and real.

Mario P. Fields 1:39

Raw, real on armor. We're gonna put that armor away in the armory. Oh no, that's the weapon. We're just gonna put the armor away.

A Rough Start And A 28-Year Career

Mario P. Fields 1:45

So uh can you can you let the listeners and viewers in give uh them so a little bit of insights on who is Amber?

Amber Houghton 1:54

Who is Amber? Um, Amber has grown up in a in a rough situation. She joined the military to because they fed me, clothed me, and provided me a place to live and paid me a little bit all at the same time. Um, where I thought, you know, hey, I'll just go in and do my my four years and get my education and move on with life. And within the first couple months, I was sold. I was bought in. I was like, this is amazing. I love this environment. I can do well here. Um, and 28 years later, uh, I retired. So I've been all over the world. I have three children. I have six German Shepherds. That's a story in itself. Yes, just sit with that one.

Mario P. Fields 2:39

Um Yeah, I'm I'm gonna take a sip of uh water on that one.

Amber Houghton 2:44

Six. Six, six German shepherds. Uh it's about almost 600 pounds worth of dog. So they're all about 100, 110 pounds. They're big. But anyway, um I have two children. Uh one's just graduated college and she's on her way to law school. And then I have uh one that just graduated high school, she's on her way to college. And then I have a 14-year-old son who is actually the inspiration behind forming elite performance strategies. So he's a big into football, has been since he was five.

Mario P. Fields 3:19

That is so cool. You got uh, you know, like a mutual fund of professionalism. Yeah, you got one potential attorney, lawyer, you know, esquire until she passed the bar. Got the other one about to go to that collegiate level. And you got the entrepreneur, visionary. You know.

Amber Houghton 3:35

Well, he's football player. That's what he is. That's if you ask him what he is, it's it's nothing but football. I don't go to school, I play football.

Mario P. Fields 3:43

And then when he's like 40, he's like, I tell you, I Forbes magazine. Uh it was great to be featured.

Amber Houghton 3:51

No, I don't doubt this at all. I wouldn't put it past him.

Mario P. Fields 3:56

That is wonderful. I know you you stay, but you know, people will say, Oh, you're busy. It sounds like you're busy. But my belief is uh you're in your passion, you know. You know, you you must have a love for for you know puppies, if you will. Uh, you know, I have two Maltese. I mean, I'm sorry, they died. I have two, I have two uh labradoodles, but uh, you know, six German shepherds, you know, three the teenagers too, by the way, young adults and teenagers, you know, my kids in their 30s now, but uh that is a very challenging phase unless things have changed.

Amber Houghton 4:28

No, it is still the exact same. And it's funny because I had I was in England on a TDY once and I found this old book from like the 19 or late 1800s, and I picked it up and I started thumbing through it. And at the time my daughters were going through the stuff, you know, and I was like, hey, how funny is this that this entire book is about what we as humans go through on our journey, just very similar things, especially because it was a four young women. But I was just laughing and cackling. I came back and I'm like, listen, I'm not trying to make you feel like you're not special or anything. I said, But women have been enduring this for years. Here's a book.

Mario P. Fields 5:07

This is nothing new, ladies.

Amber Houghton 5:09

Nothing new, nothing new.

Mario P. Fields 5:10

Sit on sit on mom's lab, uh 1866.

Amber Houghton 5:15

Yes, we're gonna talk about Jane.

Mario P. Fields 5:18

What Jane was going through, yeah, right, and then Crystal came next.

Amber Houghton 5:25

They're like, I don't want that book, Mom, it's haunted. I'm like, all right, that's mom.

Mario P. Fields 5:30

You get that from the goodwill, yeah. It's got some uh it's got some ghost on it. Well, you know, I I could I I'm having fun with you already, Amber. I could talk to you all day, but you guys know the deal. The show is once it starts, it's uh almost over. But let's get right into it. You've committed your life essentially to helping people, serving your nation, serving the Air Force in the honorable way, you know, being uh the best mother you could be, and wife. I mean, you name it the whole thing. Uh but what about uh you?

When The Strong One Falls Apart

Mario P. Fields 6:08

How is it that you you you've helped so many people? But what about you?

Amber Houghton 6:15

So that was forced upon me by the universe or God, um, that that realization. And it happens shortly after I retired, after 28 years, and between three and six months, every single identity I had built around helping other people, from being a wife to a mother to a leader, a chief, an airman, you know, um, all of that was gone in in about three to six months. It changed drastically. And it it was the realization that I had become addicted to the feeling of people recognizing that I was the strong one, that I could do everything for everyone all the time and never fail. Um, and so that was like my drug, to be honest with you. And so when the environment changed and those ident uh relationships changed, the identity had to change too. And I wasn't willing to let that happen. And it just, I mean the collapse of that framework left me on the bathroom floor, you know, just broken. I who am I if I'm not these people, if I'm not these things, if I'm not, if I'm not a mom, if that I envision myself to be, that I want to be, right? Who am I if I'm not a a leader anymore? Who am I if I'm not a wife? Like, who the hell am I underneath all that stuff? And in order to get there, I had to start taking pieces of my armor off that were welded hard on. I mean, hard.

Mario P. Fields 7:49

And I, you know, listening to you, I never I never had a guest that articulated the complexities of your case, where it's not just you're leaving the service and that identity is starting to be questioned or challenged, but also your kids are no longer children. So now now you have more time, and now you're realizing they're they they are on their they are on their own accord, and they're not needing mom as much.

Divorce Blame And The Cost Of Armor

Amber Houghton 8:22

So that was exact that was exacerbated by the divorce, right? So there's and this, I don't like it. I don't, you know, I'm I'm not condoning it, but it seems like in in every split there seems to be some angst on who who takes the blame. You know, there's all there always seems like there's a little bit of blaming. Um, and that was me. I took the brunt of that. And so, and and I took it. I took it because I had convinced myself that I was I was strong enough to handle it. Um, you're angry with me, you want to blame me, I'll own my part in this. I I did what is I believe the right thing to do, but I I took all the blame. So I was very particular about ensuring that they the experience didn't ruin how they saw their father, if that makes sense. So, I mean, I I took it all. And that was an immense amount of pain that I absorbed. But again, here I am. I'm so strong, I can do this. And so when everything came to head and I realized that, you know, who am I underneath all of this? I'm not even sure I know who the hell I am underneath all this. And just starting to pull away the armor and say, okay, it's don't get me wrong, it served its purpose. Armor serves its purpose, right? It protects you, it keeps you safe. Um but it also alienates if you're not careful and you don't know when to take it off. It shouldn't be a permanent fixture in your life. You should be able to take it off and and say, hey, this is who I am underneath all of this. Again, depending upon the situation and and the environment and where you're at.

Mario P. Fields 10:02

Yeah. And and and for your ability to recognize that you didn't realize it was like dopamine. It was like an addiction. And and just listen to you, I I start self-reflect, like I didn't realize you your ability to be needed in a in a way to help people as a helper became an addiction. Uh a dopamine addiction. And then when it all went away, that that that emotion, that dopamine, that spark went away. And to find yourself on on the bathroom floor, to recognize that you're being rigid, you know, there's some things that gotta be removed. I don't want to let them go. And then you got the complexities of the divorce to ensure no matter what emotions or what perspective you have about you know about your your husband at the time, to make sure you do your best to protect his character and reputation. At what point did you go, okay? Who is Amber? And what was like the thought process when you start to really look in the mirror to to accurately try to figure out who are you?

The Helper Addiction And The Boundary Wake-Up

Amber Houghton 11:16

So I wasn't done chasing though, right yet. I wasn't done, I knew the I'm just being honest, right? I knew that I knew that that was there, but I hadn't fully brought it into the light. And so I started chasing other avenues where I could help. Um I mean, and it was um a broad range, but primarily, I mean, if it was I I live by see a need, fill a need. So if I see somebody that needs some some help, I I will help. But you know, it becomes when I start, when I become the crutch for that person, then we've gone too far. And so it took some really um intense situations for me to finally get to that aha moment and say, listen, like I need to be able to have boundaries. I need to know who I am, I need to have boundaries, and I need, I I can enforce them with kindness. I don't have to be a jerk about it. But you know, I I I'm not taking care of myself and I'm running myself ragged in in the name and behind the the noble effort of servant leadership. So it's a very tricky, um, fine line, I think, between serving others and then it turning into something that is more depleting than what it was ever meant to be in the first place. So it was uh yes. So for that situation, um, I had hosted uh a young athlete. He's a phenomenal human. Um and he was in a situation that was very similar to mine when I was growing up. He was bounced around to a lot of different homes, didn't have a safe place or a place to lay his head and call his own. Um, and you know, he hit all my triggers. You know, and so I was like, Yeah, I'm gonna bring him in and I'm gonna help him. And, you know, we we had some tough times, but it came to head when he was like, I don't, I need to move on and play basketball. I'm done with football. Um, we had a disagreement on which direction was the the best for him. And I I I needed to be needed so badly that it I started operating from a place of fear. And I didn't want him to make the same mistakes that I made. You know, you go down that whole thing with your own children too, but um, it ended up being the best thing for him and for me for him to move on and do and find his own path without me, you know, let me help you, let me help you, let me help you. So when we become too much of a servant leader or we have to help and feed that addiction, then I think we start enabling people and then they can't operate on their own. And so for me, that and that situation was a huge kind of aha moment about what am I doing? Why am I chasing this young man saying, Let me help you? Like what it what is that?

Mario P. Fields 14:14

And you know, it probably and it probably hurts people like you if he would have said, I don't want your help.

Amber Houghton 14:19

Yes, a hundred and he did, and it did crush me and it hurt me. Then I had to wonder why.

Mario P. Fields 14:25

I don't you know, and someone like you, Amber, uh, to hear someone go, I don't want your help. Yes, it's devastating, isn't it?

Amber Houghton 14:35

Yes, it is absolutely devastating.

Enforcing Boundaries With Kindness

Mario P. Fields 14:39

Yes, devastating. It but I love how you mentioned boundaries, and how long did it take for you, or maybe it hasn't yet, where now you're you're comfortable, you don't feel like a like a an a-hole. Uh you know, I'm not gonna see y'all, y'all can fill in the the blank there. But now where you you go, I am setting this boundary out of love, and honestly, it's to protect you and me. How are you comfortable with it at this moment? Are you still working on it?

Amber Houghton 15:07

Um, so three years into this working on this specific thing, I am finally comfortable with it. I am there. But again, it took me three years because it's not just about, you know, understanding I need to have boundaries. We all know we need to have boundaries, right? But it's everything underneath and inside of you and all of your life experiences that cause you to, you know, say it's okay if you tread across my boundaries. It could be something like I I crave human connection. We all do, right? So let me let me just slip this one to the, even though I know I shouldn't, I'm gonna slip to this to the side because I want human connection, you know. So I mean, again, totally um based off of your human journey and your experience. But yeah, I mean, people, we do this a lot. And and then and I'm not saying that they're hard and fast and I don't compromise, but I'm making sure that when I'm compromising, it is a place of that I'm operating from a place of love and I'm not operating from a place of fear or scarcity. Because when I'm operating from a place of fear or scarcity is usually when I get myself into trouble.

Mario P. Fields 16:18

And being aware of that too, is you know, every listeners and viewers, understanding what space metaphorically are you what's your mental state, and to be able to do a self-check to go, is this out of love or is this my am I projecting? Is this my own uh fear of whatever whatever that may be? You guys heard it. I mean, it's you know for folks who are just genuinely wired to help your helpers to set those boundaries. I mean, you guys heard Amber, it took three years, and that's okay to get comfortable and to understand not everybody wants your help. That's a

Ask Better Questions Before You Help

Mario P. Fields 17:00

tough one. Not everybody. So, how did you have you developed any new ways to to figure out if they even want your help or not before you even do all of that?

Amber Houghton 17:11

So, really, I have gone with just the honest route, you know. Would you like my my thoughts on this? Would you like my how can I best serve you? Do you want me to listen? Do you want me to advise? You know, like what do you want? And what is crazy about that is when I ask that question, a lot of people stop. It stops them in their tracks, you know, how can I best serve you? And they're like, I don't know, just do whatever you do.

Mario P. Fields 17:40

And I'm like, no, you're like, I tried that.

Amber Houghton 17:43

Yeah, I need you to tell me, you know, what you need. But when you think that right there, when you or what you want, like that right there will stop people in their tracks. And that's kind of the first indication where I'm like, we we need some, there's some work here to be done. Like you you have to be able to articulate that none of us are mind readers. We're really good at reading emotions, like our EQ might be really high, but I'm not a mind reader. I don't know what it is you need in that moment to help you through whatever it is you're going through. So being able to answer that question tells me that you've done some really deep work and you know yourself. And that's where all of this starts is doing an honest self-inventory and knowing who you are, why you operate the way you operate, and how like how that came to be. And that's a lot, that's a lot of hard work.

Mario P. Fields 18:34

It's like excavating yourself with a shovel and a hammer, but and and you said a powerful power powerful statement. And in my closest friend, he's like my brother from um another mother and father, but we're like brothers. And Dr. Jerry, he's he's gonna he's gonna be mad, but I don't care. Dr. Jerry Washington has this amazing framework on Substack, and it's called What Do You Mean? What do you mean? And like you said, Amber, uh if I if you you know, if you're trying to help someone, you go, Well, well, what do you need? What do you mean? And oftentimes they don't even know what they mean or what they need, but but but taking that step to reduce the friction, to reduce the you know, the you want to help, this person doesn't really want your help, they don't even know what kind of help they want, and to really save both both both parties.

Do Not Abandon Yourself

Mario P. Fields 19:35

If you were standing next to yourself when you were 18 years old, looking back, what one piece of advice would you give yourself today?

Amber Houghton 19:49

It would have to be do not abandon yourself.

Mario P. Fields 19:58

Never abandon yourself. No matter, I mean, heck, I'm five foot I'm shrinking now, I'm five foot two, so I you know, when I stopped growing, thank god I didn't abandon myself. No, but no, that's very powerful because you can. Um and did you ever get to a point where you were about to abandon yourself?

Amber Houghton 20:25

Oh, this is a hard, these are lessons learned, sir, through a lot of opportunities that God presented to me that I uh apparently wasn't getting the first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh time. So you there are absolutely several times where I abandoned myself.

Mario P. Fields 20:49

You know they sound a good lord works. All right, you're gonna give me a couple minutes and spirit spiritually beat the crap out of you.

Amber Houghton 20:56

Oh, you're not getting it? Here's the lesson again.

Mario P. Fields 20:59

Yeah, and I want I want to put some pain on you because I love you.

Amber Houghton 21:02

Yes, yep, yep, but here it is again. We're gonna do this as many times as you need until you the light clicks on and you figure this one out. So buckle

Connection Over Isolation And Closing

Amber Houghton 21:11

up.

Mario P. Fields 21:11

And look at you, look at you today, Amber. If anyone wanted to find you on social media, what's the best way they could find you?

Amber Houghton 21:19

I'm on Facebook. A lot of my content's on Facebook, and it's Amber Lee Houghton. It's L-E-I-G-H-H-O-U-G-H-T-O-N. So um, you can find me on Facebook. I'm on LinkedIn also, same thing, Amber Houghton. Um, the easiest way is if you want to have a conversation, amber at amberhouton.com. It's really easy. That is trying to people it as simple as simple.

Mario P. Fields 21:46

No, no, that's you guys, and it'll be in the show notes for Amber Houghton, uh, where you guys you want to connect on multiple social media platforms. This is this has been amazing. I'm I'm not gonna, you know, I'm not gonna keep you too much longer. I could, I could interview you for hours, but um, but I am so happy that you're you were able to share with the audience, you know, how again you realize that there are some identity things you're holding on to, you're setting those boundaries, you know, the complexities of getting out. Who are you looking in the mirror? And using your network as well. Um, one last thing, how powerful was your network to help you navigate all of this?

Amber Houghton 22:25

So um, if I would have used it, it would have been it would have been great. But again, I like to do things the hard way, apparently. Um, so I I didn't. I withdrew. Um, and I lost, you know, I lost a lot of people that I love because I withdrew. And I and um, so my biggest thing, you know, and I will say it until I'm blue on the face and I have no oxygen, is you are never alone. Do not put yourself on isolation island. Reach out to the people that love you, they want to be there for you.

Mario P. Fields 23:00

Powerful, Amber. Thank you so much for coming on the show.

Amber Houghton 23:03

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Mario P. Fields 23:05

Everybody, you guys, you got no, go ahead, Amber. What were you saying?

Amber Houghton 23:08

I said thank you for sharing the story. Yeah, I love it.

Mario P. Fields 23:11

No, you you're you're awesome. Everyone, you guys heard Amber Houghton, just amazing. Follow her on social media. If you don't, how dare you? I'll make you do a half a push-up. I'm retired. We we are retired now, so if I do two push-ups, it might be a medical emergency. Oh god. But until next time, you know, um, until next time, everyone, I I will continue to pray for you and your families. And if of course, if you have some living beings like puppies and six German shepherds, right? Six German shepherds. Yes, I pray, I pray for them too as well, because they are part of the family and your family. Amber, it's been amazing having you on the show. Thank you so much again.

Amber Houghton 23:53

Thank you, thank you so much, Mario. It's been great.

Mario P. Fields 23:56

Yeah, yeah. So, everyone again, thank you for your continued support. And please stay unarmored, stay authentic, stay mentally fit. Till next time. God bless you all.