Be Kind: It's good for you and your business

'Be Kind' looks cute on a T-shirt but it's more than a slogan. Acts of kindness have a powerful effect on our hormones, happiness, wellbeing and stress. 

Whether it's a kind word, a moment of patience, or simply being there for someone - it all makes a difference. 

In this episode I’m talking about the benefits and ripple effect of kindness, what the research says, and how to weigh up the cost of being kind.

We'll look at why kindness is not just nice; it's also good for you and for your business.

I think we can agree the world could do with a little more kindness right now.

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Transcript

Hey, welcome to Yes, you. So good to have you here. I'm Annie and I am coming to you from Aboriginal land, specifically the land of the Wurundjeri people of the Kulin Nation, and I want to pay my deep respect to their elders. Past and present, and I thought I'd share with you something that I came across in the news this week.

You may have seen it yourself, that a skull, the remains of an aboriginal man from the Lutruwita (Tasmania) were returned after about 170 years. So this skull had been held in a museum in Aberdeen, in Scotland for about 170 years, and just this week was repatriated back. While the identity of this man is not known, it is understood that he was part of the Big River tribe, which is one of the tribes of Aboriginal people that has been entirely wiped out through colonization.

And I want to read with you, read to you something that Andry Sculthorpe, who is the, uh, delegate and project manager at the Tasmanian Aboriginal Center, said on the receipt and return of this, these remains. He said, we applaud the institutions that have the courage to let go of their perceptions of intellectual supremacy, embrace their own humanity, and do what is right by the people who are most impacted by the atrocities they have inflicted in the past.

This young man's murder will not be forgotten and will bring him home to rest at last. And I just think that those words are a really powerful reminder. Of what matters where he said there, I applaud their courage to let go of their perceptions of intellectual supremacy, to embrace their own humanity and to do what is right by the people who are most impacted by these atrocities.

Like it's a guide for all of us to let go of those ideas that we've had that have. Put us in a place where we've felt that we're better or more important, or the center to let go of those things, to embrace our humanity and to do what's right. It's kind of like that Maya Angelou quote of, you do the best that you can until you know better, and when you know better, you do better.

So I just feel like whoever we are. Whatever land that we are on, and whatever our sphere of influence or impact may be, there's something here that we can take on board and apply. I hope that that resonates with you too.

Today, I wanna talk to you about kindness. You have probably seen those t-shirts that say Be kind. They've been around for a while now. Maybe you even have one. And it's a lovely idea and it's a cute t-shirt, a great slogan, but it's also a really powerful practice with some big benefits for you personally and for your business.

I wanna start with a little story. When I was in the process of moving from the first studio that I opened of Eve, we'd been there for three years and we were relocating to Preston and it was a huge fit out, big renovation, uh, to prepare the space. And it was a bit of a all hands on deck situation. And Abdo, my husband was helping and one day he was there helping and he was up on a scaffold and he fell.

Off the scaffold and landed on the concrete ground and hit his head. And it was a really, really scary time. I went with him in the ambulance. We went into the hospital and for quite a while I was just there by his side and he was really distressed and kind of out of it and um, that was scary in itself.

And there came a point where they wanted to take him to do some CT scans on his head, and so I couldn't go in with that. So it was the first time that I just sat down and I walked out into a hallway and there was just a bench seat on the side of the hallway and I just sat down there by myself and.

This woman, an old woman, just came and sat next to me and asked if I was okay, and I burst into tears and I, I don't even remember exactly what I told her, but I just felt like I just poured it all out. I'd kind of been holding it together to just try and support abdo and to kind of handle, um. You know, answering any questions that the medics might have or anything like that.

And then at this point, it was the first time it was like, oh, I could really feel it. And this woman just sat beside me and she listened to me and she put her arm around me and I don't even remember at what point we walked away from each other. I don't. Remember asking her anything. I don't know her name.

I don't know why she was there in that hospital, but I have tears in my eyes as I remember her kindness to me in that moment. She just. Whatever was going on for her, she put it aside to just be with me. And it meant so much to me. And I know that I'll never get to see her again. 'cause I don't, I wouldn't recognize her even if I saw her, I'm sure.

Um, but her kindness stays with me to the point that, yeah, these years later, we're talking like eight years later. Um, I'm tearing up thinking about it. A little bit later on in the same incident, once, uh, they had come out of the scans and were taking whatever next, were the next steps to support Abdo. And I will just jump to the end of this story.

He is fine. In case you're wondering. He, it turned out, uh, well, to be serious, he had bleeding in his brain and it was a really intense time and quite a while of recovery. But ultimately he was okay. But there came a point where I could go, I went out into like the waiting area and I for the first time, called someone, and I called a good friend of mine.

I. Again, I just, as soon as she answered the phone, I started to cry and I said, AB do's been in an accident. And immediately she was like, where are you? And I told her which hospital we're in, and she was like, I'm on my way. And she hung up the phone and she just came straight away. And, and again, that was this beautiful gesture of kindness this time from someone who was a dear friend, but who just. Didn't need to ask any questions. Didn't even wait for the detail. She just heard it in my voice and she just came and actually like once we'd been sitting together for a while, when she arrived at the hospital after a while I was like, looked down at her legs and I was like, what's going on with your legs?

And she was. Told me that when I called her, she had been in the middle of putting on fake tan and she had done one leg but hadn't got to the other leg yet. And when I called her, she just dropped everything. And so she had like one leg with a fake tan, um, building and the other leg with no fake tan on it.

And, but in that moment, she hadn't stopped to kind of. You know, balance that out or do anything like that, which, just like a little moment of lightness for us to kind of laugh about that. Like the ultimate sacrifice for a friend to just go screw it. Even if I end up with like one full on orange leg and one white leg for the rest of this week, then that is okay showing up for a friend and showing me kindness.

You know, there are a couple of hormones that are released when we do an act of kindness or when we receive an act of kindness, or even just when we observe an act of kindness. The hormones are dopamine, which is like the feel good hormone, the hormone that just gives us that overall sense of feeling good and wellbeing, and then oxytocin.

And oxytocin is the one we know as the love hormone. And it's where we feel bonded with someone or connected with others. And while we may associate those feelings with a particular person, the truth is it's actually what's going on inside of us. So we might be like, oh, that person and what they did brought up this beautiful feeling.

So it's about that amazing person. And yes, while they may have been the catalyst for it, it's about the hormones that are released within us. And so we get to walk away and carry those hormones in our bodies. We get to feel that within us and, and take it with us and there are studies that also show that there is a decrease in stress experienced through, through act of kindness.

Whether you are the one doing the act of kindness or receiving the act of kindness and also lowered cortisol, which would be part of that. A 2019 study looked at people who were both performing acts of kindness and observing acts of kindness over a seven day period, and looked at the impact on them as compared to a control group, and it basically showed that across the board they experienced increased happiness.

And it didn't matter whether they were the one doing the acts of kindness or even just observing acts of kindness, which is really amazing. And something else that's really interesting in it is they drew a distinction between acts of kindness that were done for someone with whom you had a strong tie alongside someone with whom you had a weak tie. So someone who's close to you basically, and someone that you don't know. And they found that in terms of the experience of happiness, it made no difference whether it was someone that you're close to or someone that you never met. The experience of being kind or observing kindness has the same effect, uh, of increased happiness.

I think about that woman in the hospital, a stranger, and I think about my friend who dropped everything to come for me, and both of those acts of kindness had an impact on me for sure, but also on them and only today as I've been thinking about that and thinking about particularly about that woman, like obviously my friend, I've had repeated opportunities to just thank her, but that woman, I won't get to thank her. And it's kind of like sometimes I've been like, oh, I should have asked what she was going through. She might have needed my kindness and comfort just as much as I, I needed hers. Um, but as I was thinking about today, I am like, well, she probably at least got a hit of those good hormones, like she would've walked away feeling the good feeling that you have from having shown kindness to somebody.

So that is a lovely thought for me to to feel into today as well. In that study with the seven days, the idea was that they would just do one act of kindness that they wouldn't have otherwise done. So to deliberately add in an act of kindness in their day. So I wonder like what if we tried that? What if you tried that?

Just doing one more kind thing in your day than you naturally would, and there's a good chance you do a bunch of kind things in your day. I'd like to think that I act with kindness fairly frequently throughout my days, but what if I was deliberate about putting one more act in? And there's so many ways that we can show kindness.

Let me throw a few ideas at you. One would be just to smile at somebody or to say hi to someone. Say hi to a stranger. When you fill up your car with petrol to say hi and smile and say thank you to the person who is working at the servo in general, people in customer service. It's really struck me lately just how across the board, it feels like everywhere there are these signs saying, please don't disrespect our staff or things like, uh, verbal abuse or physical abuse to our staff won't be tolerated. And it's like, wow, how did we get to that? That we're actually having to kind of put up signs to say, don't be like awful to people. And so in that climate, how powerful would it be to be kind to somebody who is in one of those roles, uh, outward facing service of other people?

They're just hoping to not get, like verbally abused or physically abused in their day at work, where just the lack of that is kind of the base level request. What if you were to add on top of that kindness and some warmth? Another thing that you could do is like to pay for someone, whether that's like out for a couple with your friend and you just pay for them, or perhaps you pay for something for somebody that you don't know.

Maybe those times when you're in the shops and you see someone's gone to pay and they don't have enough money to pay in that moment, perhaps you just pay them. People are often really awkward to receive that, and I find that encouraging them to just do it for someone else another day is a nice way of kind of just removing the awkwardness that it's just like, look, right now I can be kind to you and like next time you get to be kind to the next person and what goes around comes around, it's all lovely.

So that's one way that you might approach that if that's something that you wanted to explore. There was someone who was a part of Eve, my studio, who for a while there used to walk to the studio and would pick flowers along the way and come in and give a little handpicked posey of flowers, which was just so beautiful and such a lovely act of kindness.

Really simple, but so powerful. Another way that you can show kindness to someone is just to give them your full attention. In this world where attention is pulled in a million different ways, it's such a beautiful gift to give somebody just your presence, to be fully with them when you're with them.

People feel that. I know, I feel that. What about just encouraging somebody, maybe someone you know, but again, maybe a stranger. At Eve, we run these run challenges. I've probably talked about them before, but where we train people up to, uh, be able to run their chosen distance like five Ks or 10 Ks or half marathon.

And we usually will finish these challenges by participating in a fun run event. And so sometimes I will be there, uh, or usually I'm there running along with them, but sometimes I'm not and I am just, uh, cheering them on. I found it funny. It sort of occurred to me at some point doing this a few years ago.

That I'd be standing in this one spot watching like hundreds or thousands of people come past, like running past me. But I would be like just waiting, waiting, waiting to pick out the people that I knew and wanted to cheer for. And it just hit me like, how absurd? Like what a weird thing that in this world of all these people, these billions of people that we have just kind of made forged connections with a few, and it's like, okay, they're the ones that I care about.

They're the specific humans that I will give my, you know, love and encouragement and relationship to. Um. And it just sort of shifted something for me. And from that point, I became someone who just at those kinds of events, cheers for everyone 'cause it's like, look, just 'cause I haven't met you doesn't mean that you are less valuable than the the people that I'm waiting for and wanting to cheer for.

So, hey, why not just cheer for someone? And I know for me, when I'm in a running event, I so appreciate it when people that I don't know, uh, cheer for me. So whether you get along to an event like that and cheer for people or just offer some encouragement. Just the other day I was in a cafe with a friend and we were chatting and another woman said to my friend, Hey, you have a really amazing voice.

It's awesome. You should do voiceovers. And that kind of, I could see it, it, uh, boosted my friend. It was a lovely thing for her to hear. So even just a little bit of encouragement, a little compliment. A couple of weeks ago, I was running and I, no, no, I wasn't running. I was walking and I was walking up the hill, uh, towards my house and I, this, I had finished my run.

I finished my run deliberately at the bottom of the hill so I could just walk up the hill to my house and as I was walking up, this elderly guy, uh, came running past me fairly slowly, but he went past me and he said, oh, I almost, um, couldn't pass you like, you're going faster than me and I'm running. And I was like, mate, I'm impressed that you are running up this hill at all.

Like this is steep hill. And he said, oh yes, I try to do little increments. I run from here and then I'll walk, and then I run to that next bit and then I walk and my goal is one day to run all the way to the top. And so this is all while he was kind of shuffling, running past me and I was like walking along.

Um, so we were sort of still next to each other and then I was like, mate, you've inspired me. I'm gonna run with you. And so I ran along next to him and we had a little bit of a chat while we were puffing and panting our way up the hill. And at the end of it we gave each other a high five and said goodbye and again, like did, never asked his name, don't know anything about him, other that than that he likes to run and that he has the goal to one day be able to run all the way up this big hill.

And that was it. And when I reflect on that. I, I'm like, who was kind there? And I think we both were like, he, um, was sweet to me as he ran past. And then I think I was kind back to him and I believe that we both got a hit of hormones as we left. Both got a hit of just feeling good and feeling like connected with another human being.

Uh, it was a lovely exchange that I think we both benefited from. So just those kind of random moments where there's an opportunity for kindness. Like let's just not pass them by. You could just take up those moments as they arise. Something else that you could do is just like, pick up some rubbish or plant a tree.

Do something that feels like an act of kindness to like everybody and to the earth itself. How about something like mowing your neighbor's nature strip. I always find it just this really stark example of kind of how separate we believe ourselves to be when Pinot and two houses next to each other will have the, a shared like nature strip that goes all the way across both of their, um, houses and where one will go out to mow their, their nature strip and they'll like, there'll just be this clear line where they've mowed their half but not kind of continued on to mow the other half, which is their neighbor's half. And like who knows? I guess there could be some arrangement or someone may prefer not to have their lawn mowed, their nature strip mowed.

But I think I, if I was in that position, I live in an apartment so I don't have one, but if I was in that position, I would receive that so gratefully. And it'd be a lovely way of connecting with someone. Just a small kindness. If you're out there mowing the lawn anyway, to just, you know, knock on the neighbor's door, Hey, would you like me to just mow yours while I'm here?

And just to do that. I think things like that. Simple, easy, but have an impact. Then the other thing is to observe acts of kindness actively. So like I said, in that study, it wasn't just about doing acts of kindness, it was also about observing them. And so there's something powerful for us in just noticing acts of kindness going on around us, whether they are towards us or whether we're involved at all, or just hearing about them or seeing them.

We get. The benefit in ourselves of that increased happiness, but also that kindness begets kindness. The more that we see that, I think the more that we end up showing up like that ourselves. And then who knows the ripple effect that that has on others. What about when kindness actually costs you something?

Most of the time, kindness is gonna be free and easily given. And so in those instances, let's not even hesitate and just be kind, but sometimes there is a possibility that it will cost you something, whether that's something material or money or something in yourself or energy or just that sense of putting yourself out there.

There's a possibility sometimes that you risk losing something or being taken advantage of by being kind. Uh, it's possible that it won't be received in the way that you intended it or that you just end up feeling awkward or foolish. I had an experience in my early twenties with my partner at the time.

We had been traveling around the world and we met a guy, we were in a low income country, and we met this guy and while we were there, he lived there. While we were there, we became friends with him and we were there for a while. And then when we moved on and continued our travels, we stayed in touch with him and considered him our friend.

And it was about a year or maybe 18 months after we had first met him, but we were still in touch by email, uh, that he asked us to help him with some money. And basically he had an opportunity, uh, for education that would potentially be life changing for him and for his family. And he had no access to that kind of money.

And he asked us if we would be able to help him. And in that moment we had to weigh up, of course. There was that instinct, that desire to be kind. This is our friend, and if we could help, we wanted to help, but we had to consider the cost of it also. And this wasn't just like a quick and easy and small act of kindness.

We didn't actually have that money that he, like the amount of money that he was asking for. But we were really aware that in the lottery of life, we had been born in a place where accessing or earning, saving that kind of money was possible for us in a way that it, it wasn't for him. And. So it was something that we wanted to do, but we also felt like we needed to weigh it up.

Honestly, part of it was the possibility that we were being scammed. It felt like that was something that we had to face as a possibility that this guy had played the long game and befriended us and all of this, and ultimately was doing it all to scam us. And that felt really gross to consider because we genuinely considered him to be our friend.

And it felt like, no, like of course that's not gonna be the case, but I guess we've heard of and seen enough instances where people have been taken advantage of in, in different situations, and one similar to that, that we felt like we at least needed to give that some consideration. And ultimately it came down to, for us this, it was, what impact could we have here by this act of kindness by doing this thing and the impact.

Uh, the potential of it was really significant. Like the impact could be great, but the other thing was about our identity and it was like, who do we believe ourselves to be? And we believed ourselves to be the kind of people that would show kindness and that would show up in this way if we possibly could for a friend.

And so it was partly about what we could do through the act of kindness, but also about who we believed ourselves to be and us putting our values into practice, being the kind of people that we wanted to be. And ultimately we ended up asking ourselves this question. Given all of this, weighing it all up, how much are we willing to risk to be the kind of people that we wanna be? So if this goes completely south and either it is a scam or it doesn't have the impact that we hoped or that he hoped, how much are we willing to give and still feel okay with it because it was worth it because we got to be the kind of people that we wanna be, and that was ultimately how we made our decision.

And in that case, now I get to look back and say, it did work out and it was absolutely worth it. I'm so glad. Like it was amazing for us to get to be a part of that experience that made a real difference for him. Uh, we're still in contact with him to this day, so that's a, a kind of, I guess a big example.

It felt big in my life anyway. The same thing can apply in smaller, uh, or more kind of day to day opportunities for being kind. That it might be that there is some cost to it, and that that's something that we have to weigh up. Think of a really simple example not too long ago, just a couple of weeks ago, I was standing on the side of a street and a woman was crossing the street and she just looked beautiful.

She just struck me as like the way that she was dressed and the way that she presented herself, she just looked really full of vitality. And, uh, my instinct was to tell her that I would like to give her that encouragement, to show her that kindness of saying, you look amazing, but I also had to weigh up the other things like that it might not be received the way that I intended. She might just be like, what? Like, what are you talking about? Or she might just brush me off, be like, ugh, whatever and then I'd just feel awkward or maybe she'd be like, um, I don't appreciate you undermining feminist values and objectifying me like that, I don't appreciate compliments like that. And look, all of these were possible and I weighed it all up and I decided I think it's, it's worth it and I, I think this is an act of kindness that I want to do. Obviously in the moment, this is just kind of split second really thinking. It's not like I sat there pondering for five minutes, but I said it and she received it really beautifully.

She was like, oh my gosh, thank you so much. And I could feel that in that moment she had a little boost and I had a little boost in the sense that I think we both walked away. Feeling like we had a positive experience of being humans who are connected with each other. And so while, yeah, there was something to weigh up there, uh, it was easy enough to make that choice and to be kind.

And so when you are considering acts of kindness or you have the opportunity to be kind yes, weigh it up. Yes, be smart, but also just kind of with all of that in the mix where you can just choose, choose kindness. Choose kindness. There's something that Jesus taught about giving to people in need and, um, acts of kindness and it stays with me.

He said, don't let your left hand know what your right hand is doing when you are giving. And I really love that idea. It has just really stayed with me. This idea that we are not, when we are doing acts of kindness or giving to others that it's, we're not even looking for. Self congratulations. It's not like wanting to pat ourselves on the back, let alone for other people to applaud us in any way or, um, congratulate us or anything like that.

I really like that idea of kind of just doing these things just kind of quietly and in our day to day without needing any fanfare, just. For me, that's part of just helping to keep it sincere and I get the irony of me saying that after just telling you about experiences in my own life, of my acts of kindness.

Uh, and yeah, hopefully you get where I'm coming from. I'm not looking for your applause or congratulations here, uh, but hopefully just sharing some helpful examples. And then it sort of struck me how on social media and even like radio stations and things like that, they have kind of grabbed a hold of and, um, commodified and commercialized uh, these acts of kindness, you know, those Instagram accounts and things where people will go and do something kind to someone or give something really generous or whatever, but it's all being filmed, which kind of takes away from it a bit for me. And it goes against that idea of, of not letting your left hand know what your right hand is doing and just kind of keeping it on the down low in some way.

And then on the other hand, there is what that research does show that actually by us witnessing acts of kindness, it does benefit us and it does breed more kindness in all of us. And so I guess I kind of try and, uh, take it like that when I see those kinds of accounts or like, um, businesses or, or radio stations or things like that kind of doing like these, uh, grand gestures of kindness for people.

I guess for me actually, that I take a similar approach as I do with activism. If you listen to my episode about being a crap activist, uh, I think of it like an iceberg, that there's whatever is visible to other people, I wanna know that there's a lot more that I'm doing, uh, beneath the surface. So if all of my acts of kindness are performative in some way, or even just visible to others, uh, that would be.

Something for me to query in myself and I would wanna explore doing some acts of kindness that nobody particularly knows about. Like obviously the person receiving the kindness probably does, but where there isn't that sort of higher level of visibility, for me, that's just sort of a balance that I try to strike and kind of feels, feels good, feels authentic for me.

And so what about in business? Where does kindness fit in here? Really, if you run a business, you have so much opportunity to practice kindness and you can be kind towards all of the people that you engage with in your business. So whether you have partners or colleagues or staff, but also things like suppliers and tradies that that you contract in and absolutely your clients and customers, you can treat with kindness.

And once again, it can be really simple things, just like a smile and acknowledging somebody and listening to them and maybe remembering their name. Another thing that we can do is just to give people the benefit of the doubt. We don't know what people are going through, and so even when somebody isn't acting really kind towards us.

Perhaps we can have some empathy, give them the benefit of the doubt, who knows what's going on in their life. I think empathy gives way to kindness. So if we can practice empathy and kind of giving, cutting people some slack, obviously, again, not to be like walked all over, there's, there's boundaries and we wanna have those, but just, yeah, sometimes it's okay that even if somebody hasn't been super kind actually to respond with kindness.

Some things that we can do in our business would be to give to people, whether that's giving away like a free service or a discounted service, either through some kind of system that you set up in your business or just here and there that you, where it feels right for you, or you wanna practice this, that you, you give somebody something for free or for lesson you would normally charge.

Something else you can do in your business is to give to organizations or causes that are doing important work and to express kindness towards them, but through them as well. At eve, in my business, I want us to err on the side of kindness and my team know that. So when we have a new manager coming on and they're going through their induction or orientation, one of the things I will share with them is that, that when it comes down to it, if a decision provides the opportunity to lean one way or the other, lean towards kindness. And so the managers know that if they do that, that they will have my support. So sometimes things will come up, even surrounding money or the potential for refunds or something like that for our clients. And we have processes in place whereby the managers will, uh, seek my authorization to go ahead with some of those.

But within a certain range, they have that discretion and they know that if they err on the side of kindness and generosity, then I am right on board with them. I'm never gonna be upset with them. They can be assured that they are acting within the values that I hold and that we hold as a business. And it's not just about just being nice.

I think kindness, we could end up feeling like, oh, it's a bit glib, a bit smarmy, but apart from it just being nice and all of the good feels that we get from it, it's also good business practice, as in it's good for your business. Sadly, as business owners, sometimes in an effort to secure our businesses and to protect this thing that we love that we are doing, we can get really rigid and go beyond having boundaries into having really intense walls up and become harsh to a point that we are no longer kind. We feel like actually to, for this business to succeed, I need to look after it. I need to protect it, and that means getting everything I can from everyone and in an attempt to be sure that we are not taken advantage of or to protect what we have, we actually end up putting up some really intense walls and as well as that just being unpleasant to experience and to live in.

It also does our business know favors. We end up losing clients as a result and creating an environment that is unpleasant for everyone who's connected with it. And so this idea of being kind is not just kind of ooh, lovey-dovey, airy fairy. It's actually a really valuable and powerful way of operating a business.

I hope that that is resonating with you, and I would love for you to take this and run with it. And yeah, let's give it a go. Hey, see if you can get one more act of kindness into your day. And if you feel like, oh, actually I'm just like already running on empty, I don't have any kindness to give, give it a go.

Because as the research shows, you actually get something from an act of kindness. Let's put this research to the test. See if it turns out to be true in our own experience. Thanks so much for listening. Lots of love to you. I'll chat to you soon. Bye.

Thanks for joining me. Head on over to my website, annie carter.com au, where you'll find some free resources to support you in your life and leadership. Please make sure that you subscribe so you don't miss an episode. And I would really love your help in spreading the word about Yes you. So if you're up for that, will you do one of these three things?

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Until next time, let me remind you that you, yes, you are amazing and I'm so glad you're here. Sending you big love, and I'll chat to you soon.