Your Inner Critic: Here's What You Need to Know

Let’s talk about your inner critic. We all have one, and at times they can get really loud. It can make for a pretty unpleasant inner world, and can hold you back from showing up in the world the way you otherwise might.

Today I'm sharing four things you need to know about your inner critic so they don't run (or ruin!) your life. 

From this episode:

First Peoples' Assembly Victoria

Website: firstpeoplesvic.org

Instagram: @firstpeoplesvic

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Transcript

Hello and welcome. I'm Annie and I am coming to you from the land of the Wurundjeri people of the Kulin Nation. And in Victoria, where I live in Australia, in this last week, there was a historical milestone achieved. Treaty was passed through the state government. It's the first treaty in Australia and it's a huge moment and hopefully, really changes the trajectory going forward. It is the result of years of work by the First Peoples’ Assembly of Victoria, and I would really encourage you if you haven't already, to connect with them so you can head to their website, firstpeoplesvic.org or you can find them on Instagram, follow them, and they will give updates on the process of treaty, what it means, how it rolls out from here, and whether you are First Nations yourself, or if you like me, are non-Indigenous, but seeking to be an ally, this is something that we can all get behind.

Let's talk about your inner critic. We all have one, and at times they can get really loud and for some they can seem to be pretty loud all the time. Today I wanna share with you four things that you need to know about your inner critic so that they don't run or ruin your life. But first, how might your inner critic show up?

Let's have a look at a few different ways, and you may feel like you can just skip this bit because you know all too well the different ways that your inner critic is present in your life. But let's touch on some of them just in case it's possible that your inner critic has been sneaking themselves into your thoughts in ways that you hadn't quite realised.

So the most obvious way is mean or harsh self-talk, those moments where you'll say to yourself, or you hear internally, I'm an idiot, or I always mess things up, or you can't do anything right or you are unattractive, you are too intense. Nobody loves you, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Just mean things. The kind of things that you would never say to someone that you love.

And maybe every now and then you wonder why do I talk to myself like that? If I wouldn't talk to someone that I love in that way, I would never talk to a friend or a sister like that. A little side note here, this inner critic may come to you in the first or the third person, so it might present as like, I'm so stupid, or as saying, you are so stupid. So as though it's standing on the outside of you and talking to you, and it's worth noticing this, and I'll come back to it in a little bit because it can make a difference in how you work with the inner critic, whether it feels like it's the first person or an external third person in some way.

The next way that an inner critic can show up in your life and internally is comparison. So comparing yourself to others, ah, she's so much prettier than me. I should have achieved so much more by now. Look at what those other people are doing. Ah, there's something wrong with me. She's so smart and by comparison, I'm so not, it can stop you, this comparison, from actually trying things when it's like, oh, there's someone better over there, so why would I even have a go? And this ties into another area where the inner critic can show up, and that's in avoidance of risk. So when the internal voice is saying, you're gonna make such a fool of yourself, if you put yourself out there, just don't, what will people say if I'm seen without my make-up? I better not risk that. Or don't ask for help. People will think that you're weak. Just stay here in the safe zone. Or if you do take a risk in trying something, being vulnerable, putting yourself out there and it doesn't go your way, the inner critic can jump in with, "See, told you so it's not safe out there."

Don't try that again. You made a fool of yourself like we thought, like you always do, and so you can find yourself really avoiding any kind of vulnerability or exposure to criticism outside of yourself, to judgement, to risk of showing up and living life. And all of this can feel really heavy or really heavy sometimes.

And even if it's not super heavy for you, it can be just this low hum. Persistent hum. Running through your experience, just making everything that little bit harder, a little bit more of a slog. So here are four things that you need to know about your inner critic. Let's get into them. The first one, you are not unique.

Before you start thinking that I'm just jumping on your inner critic's bandwagon and being harsh with you, I'm not. When I say you are not unique, I mean this in the most loving, liberating way. The fact that you struggle with an inner critic is normal. It's part of the human experience. Hear that it's part of being human to have this experience of inner critic, it's normal. It's not a failure on your part. It's nothing to feel shame about. So let's see if we can remove that layer. But also Carl Jung offered this concept called negative inflation, where someone is so fixated on what's wrong with them, that it's actually a form of negative narcissism, like this unbalanced obsession with ourselves, even if the ideas and the inner talk is really unkind.

So recognising that, yeah, you have an inner critic. And maybe at times they're super active or super loud, but you are not the only one. This is just part of being human. Of course, you're in closest proximity to your inner critic, and so you are going to hear your inner critic much louder than you're going to hear anybody else's.

And so it can feel like yours is more, yours is bigger, yours is more real. But actually no, you're not unique in this way. It is just what it is to be human. There's this Buddhist teaching about two arrows, and I'd be surprised if I've got this far in this podcast without sharing this previously. It's worth sharing again, if I have.

The idea is that the first arrow is the painful things that we experience in life. So in this case, it could be the harshness of the inner critic. Just hearing that internal criticism and that hurts. It's like the first arrow shot at us, and then the second arrow is the way that we react to the pain of the first arrow.

So that would be like giving ourselves a hard time or feeling shame about the inner critic. The idea with this parable of the two arrows is that we are not usually responsible for the first arrow, but we can take some responsibility about whether or not we fire the second arrow. So if you are already experiencing the sting of your inner critic's voice, don't shoot another arrow to judge yourself for that.

I feel like this is particularly pertinent for women. There's a certain outworking of this for women who are feminist because we believe in women's equality, rights, agency and expression. We believe in the powerful woman. And there's a special kind of guilt and shame that we can feel when our inner world as women doesn't line up with that.

When I'm all about women taking up space in this world. So why do I tell myself that I'm too much? You're not alone in this. Let's see it for what it is, a normal part of being human, so that way you can meet your inner critic with some acceptance rather than resistance, and see what that does.

The second thing is it's not you. Your inner critic is not you. It's not who you are. It's really easy to make the mistake of identifying with your inner critic who they are and what they say, but it's not you. It is just a part, and there are many parts, what Carl Jung called the cast of thousands that we all have within us, and there are lots of different ways that you can work with parts.

There's the Jungian approach and then there's the more recent Internal Family Systems, which lots of people find really helpful. Essentially, when you work with parts in yourself, acknowledging that there are many parts in each of us that all have different agendas, different needs, and different relationships to other parts within us, and depending on the system that you subscribe to, those parts are not the real self or they're not the whole self.
So without going into it in too much depth, the inner critic is just one part. And recognising that can be so helpful in itself because you can start to engage with it and work with it rather than being absorbed, identified or ruled by it. And this is where it could be helpful to notice the way that you hear in whatever way that you hear the voice of your inner critic.
 If it's coming through as I'm such an idiot, there's an identification with the inner critic. It's as though that is who you are as though the inner critic is you. Whereas if you hear the inner critic say you are such an idiot, then there's a sense of separation between you like yourself and who you really consider yourself to be.

And this part that is saying the mean thing. So it's worth paying attention to that and where you can, see, if you can conceive of your inner critic as a person or a being of its own, you might wanna give them a, a whole identity. You could gender them. Imagine the form that they take. You could even give them their own name.

It's like, oh, here's Betty again having their say, having her say. All of this can help in just getting some healthy space to work with your inner critic rather than giving yourself over to the idea that they are you in totality. Because that can be combined with our tendency to think that our thoughts, to believe that our thoughts are the truth.

So if you think that you are your inner critic, or your inner critic is you, and whatever they say is true, then it's going to rule your life. Whereas you can get a little bit of separation, you can start to work with this in a more helpful way.

So number three, your inner critic is trying to help you. Now, this may be hard to believe if you feel like they're just holding you back and keeping you feeling really crap in yourself.

But see how this fits. What if your inner critic is just a keen observer of the spoken and unspoken rules for success in our society and in your particular little area of society, and they're just trying to help you succeed? What if they are fixated on what it takes to do well in this world, to fit in and to survive, and they're gonna point out to you all the ways that you might be jeopardising that for yourself.

I find it helpful to think of that inner critic as like a very risk-averse adviser. I have this friend who was a lawyer and she's super risk-averse and has this incredible ability to identify all the things that could possibly go wrong. It's what she does in her work and she's really good at it, but she can also do it out at dinner or on a holiday.

It's a superpower and I find it so interesting because it is not my superpower. It's not one that I have, and it's such a contrast between us and we can see that and appreciate it and, and laugh about it with each other. I know this about her and I love it about her and because I know that this is how she's wired, this is what she's awesome at, I can take it in context. So in my business, at different times when I have taken on a commercial lease or entered into a business contract, I have usually asked her to cast an eye over the contract for me. And she is amazing in the way that she can identify all of the potential problems. And that is why I go to her in these settings.

In these instances, I'm looking for someone who is gonna pick the thing apart and find all of the potential issues. But when she comes to me with a list of risks and her caution around each of the different risks that she's identified, I then take it with a grain of salt. So it's not that I disregard it because she sees something that I probably wouldn't have seen myself.
 But I listen to her knowing that her role in this scenario is to hyperfocus on the potential issues, and I thank her for that because that's what I'm asking her to do for me. And then I make an educated choice. And it may be that I am okay to take on some of the risk that she has pointed out. So the inner critic is like this, except that you may not have asked for their input.

They might just be inserting themselves into situations all over the place, but they are all about what did or could go wrong because they're trying to protect you. That friend of mine is when I have brought her things about opening a different studio or taking on some new thing. She often is just like, why are you doing this? This is so stressful. And it's because we are so different, and to her, all of that potential risk is maybe not worth it or be not worth the overwhelm and the stress. But for me, I can see the things that they're saying when they've pointed them out to me. When she tells me, here's all of the list of risks.

I can see all of that as well as the dreams that I have and the things that I want to do in this life. And I think that we have a mutual appreciation around that. Like if we lived entirely driven by her sense of all of the risks, we may not do anything. And if I just did my own thing without any input from her, then I may get myself into some really hairy situations or make some really bad choices.

So if you see your inner critic like this, it can really change your relationship to them. When they can become like a friend who's trying to help you and you receive what they have to say within context rather than fully resisting what they have to say. Could you say thank you? I love the way that you're looking out for me.

I have heard what you have to say and taken it into consideration. And I'm still gonna wear this outfit because it makes me feel good. Or yes. Now I can see that there's a chance that I will be judged when I post this article that I've just written online. I appreciate you pointing that out, and I'm gonna post it anyway because it's important to me to express myself in this way. So that's number three, your inner critic is trying to help you.

Number four, your inner critic is tied to perfectionism, which is an impossible standard. Your inner critic is assessing you by the highest standard. They are really thorough looking at all the ways that you might not be cutting it right now.

And remember, this is for your survival. It's because they're trying to protect you. They're trying to help you. If I come back to my friend helping me to look through contracts or make big business decisions. Imagine if I asked her to take a look over the contract and she said, oh, I had a look at the first page and I noticed one issue, but I didn't read the rest.

Then I would be like, um, actually, I need you to look over the whole thing for her to do her job or to help me in this way. She needs to be in the details like all of them. That's what lawyers do, and that's what the inner critic does. It's not their role to be like, ah, you're good enough. That's okay. The part that they play is to highlight all of the risks that you face in living this life and doing your thing, and to point out any way that you may be deviating from the perfect path for success.

They're not making assessments, weighing things up and saying, oh, don't worry about that one. They're like, have you thought about this and that and that and that. Like everything matters because it's being tied to a standard of perfection. I think I have told you the story before this happened years ago when my nephew, who is now like 19, but when he was like a little kid.

When I arrived at their house and he ran up towards me and I thought he was running up to give me a hug, ran up towards me. I was like, Annie, you have a big chin. And I was like, oh, thank you. Um, I had not thought of myself as having a particularly big chin, but now that you've pointed that out, I will file that away as one more thing to think about about myself.

And that's what the inner critic is like. They will run to you to help to highlight your imperfections like they're doing you some great service or just pointing out something that you need to know. But the thing is that we know we are not perfect, right? Personally, I have got to the point where I am so into my own imperfection.

Life is so much sweeter when you let yourself be imperfect because whether you let yourself or not, you are imperfect and it is exhausting and futile to expect perfection of ourselves. There's a past episode that I've shared, and if this is hitting a spot for you, I'd really encourage you to go back and listen to it.

It was called, "Never promise perfect." And for me, applying this has made a massive difference in my life and really, really freeing. So let that inform how you relate to your inner critic too. So thank you, inner critic. If perfection were a possibility, then what you are saying could be really helpful. But I am okay with not being perfect, and so I hear you, but I'm gonna live my life and do the thing anyway.

So there you go. Four things to know about your inner critic. You are not unique. It is a human experience to have an inner critic and critical voice inside you in some sense. Second, the inner critic is not you. You are not your inner critic. It's just a part, not who you are. Third, your inner critic is trying to help you. They may be a bit over the top, quite possibly misguided in its approach, but trying to help you. And finally, it's measuring you against perfection, which is an impossible standard. So you need to be aware of that and cut yourself some slack, even if what they're pointing out is true. You know what? That's okay.

You don't have to hold yourself to a standard of perfection. It's futile to do so. Now I'm gonna wrap this up because my tummy is growling and I think it's about to take over this podcast. If you can't hear it already, I'm hungry. But from here, some things that you might like to do. You could journal a conversation with your inner critic.

Ask them some questions. Ask them things like this. What are you trying to do for me? What are you protecting me from? What are you worried will happen if you don't speak up so much? What do you need from me? You could in your journal, ask these questions and then give your inner critic free voice to express whatever it wants to say.

It may have some questions for you. You can just journal this conversation and see what comes up. Often just acknowledging and listening to parts like the inner critic can be enough to soothe and settle them somewhat.
Next week's episode is gonna be a guided meditation visualisation for working with your inner critic, so stay tuned for that one.

It's also possible that this will bring up more for you, and I do wanna acknowledge that this podcast is just me sharing ideas, information, experience, and if you need some support around this or anything I chat about here, I encourage you to seek that out. So it could be good to see a counsellor or a psychologist to help you with some of this. If it feels helpful for you to work with your inner critic as a part, then you might seek out somebody who does that particularly. You could look up Internal Family Systems and find someone who works within that framework if it feels like a good fit for you.

So thank you, my friend. I hope that this helps you to know yourself better and to find a way to move through this world with a little more compassion and ease for yourself and for others.
Lots of love to you. I'll talk to you soon.