Our intentions don’t always line up with our outcomes, and misunderstandings lead to anger, sadness, frustration, and conflict. In this episode, I’ll talk about intent vs impact, which is more important, and how to effectively and ethically communicate your intentions. Of course, I’ll be weaving in the timeless wisdom of the Stoics.
Hi, I’m Sarah Mikutel, your communication and mindset coach, an Enneagram 9 expat in England, and practicing Stoic. Introverts come to me to learn to speak confidently in front of a room, online, and in social situations without becoming a sweaty, blushing mess with a stress headache.
Let’s continue the conversation. Head on over to my blog on Substack for more content on how to thrive through better communication, Stoicism, and global exploration. That’s right, blogging is cool again. Over on the Substack platform, you can chat with me in the comments and I have plenty of bonuses for paid subscribers. Or, you can read new posts for free.
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Our intentions don’t always line up with our outcomes, and misunderstandings lead to anger, sadness, frustration, and conflict. In this episode, I’ll talk about intent vs impact, which is more important, and how to effectively and ethically communicate your intentions. Of course, I’ll be weaving in the timeless wisdom of the Stoics.
Hi, I’m Sarah Mikutel, your communication and mindset coach, an Enneagram 9 expat in England, and practicing Stoic. Introverts come to me to learn to speak confidently in front of a room, online, and in social situations without becoming a sweaty, blushing mess with a stress headache.
Let’s continue the conversation. Head on over to my blog on Substack for more content on how to thrive through better communication, Stoicism, and global exploration. That’s right, blogging is cool again. Over on the Substack platform, you can chat with me in the comments and I have plenty of bonuses for paid subscribers. Or, you can read new posts for free.
Live Without Borders Substack
Our intentions don't always line up with our outcomes and misunderstandings lead to anger, sadness, frustration, conflict. In this episode, I will talk about intent versus impact which is more important and how to effectively and ethically communicate your intentions. Hello, I'm Sarah Micatel, your Communication and Mindset Coach and Enneagram 9xBat, living in England as well as practicing stoic Now. When I was little, I saw my dad spray paint some furniture outside and then later that week I saw those spray paint cans in our basement where my friends and I were riding around on tricycles and roller skates and somebody maybe me put two and two together and thought we should paint our bikes. So the four of us, including my little sister, we opened up the cellar door and rolled our bikes into the front yard and this was secluded by trees. People weren't really seeing what we were doing, who were driving by, and this was the 80s, when parents were still allowed to have lives, so they weren't around when we were spraying spray painting red, white and blue all over the place, streaking the air, streaking the grass. I have a hazy memory of the reality of this painting, not matching up with the transformation that I had in my head of these bikes, but still this felt like art. We were taking color to the next level, we were improving the product and I imagined my parents saying wow, wow, you did that, can you do my car as well? And for good measure. I spray painted this metal rod that was supporting a telephone pole in our yard and then we decided to parade our bikes into the backyard. We knocked on the kitchen door and jumped around smiling and excited until we saw our parents' faces. They were not pleased with their paint job and they also had company over, so I'm guessing they were embarrassed as well as angry with us, and I was a shy people pleaser as a kid. So my afternoon of juvenile delinquency must have added to the shock for my parents, who are good people and might have a more laid-back reaction if my five-year-old nephew did something like this today. Most likely my parents don't even remember this incident, but I do. I remember how out of alignment their reactions were to my intentions. I thought that they would be thrilled when they saw our spray painted bikes, but the answer is no. Was I wrong to do what I did, or did my intention to create something beautiful count for something? In recent decades it's become very common to hear it doesn't matter what your intent was. It's how you made me feel this is not a wise idea to hang on to.
Speaker 1:Intentions do matter way more than the outcome of what happens, according to the ancient Stoics, because while we can influence outcomes, they are not entirely in our control, so not always the best measure of our character. For the Stoics, our moral worth is based on good intentions and the effort we make, which is entirely up to us. Your intentions reveal what kind of person you are. If we want to enjoy healthy relationships and also to think rationally, so that life doesn't drive us insane, we need to keep our minds open to other perspectives, to listen to people and to forgive or apologize. Becky is jealous of her popular colleague, emily, who is giving a very important presentation. The next day. Emily has spent weeks on this content and Becky encourages her to take a break. And as soon as Emily leaves to buy a sandwich, becky hops on her computer. She finds Emily's slide deck and she permanently deletes it. And when Emily comes back she's a little confused about where her file has gone. But thankfully she has also saved her slide deck in the cloud and she downloads it without any problems. And the next day Emily gives a fantastic presentation and she doesn't even know that Becky tried to sabotage her.
Speaker 1:So is Becky guilty of something, even though her plan failed and Emily didn't suffer? A consequentialist who says it's the outcome that matters would say no, because Emily wasn't harmed. The law might say otherwise, because Becky accessed equipment that wasn't hers and she tried to delete company property. Stoics would say that Becky is guilty of living an unethical life and of harming herself. Her vicious thoughts and actions reveal the quality of her character. The fact that Emily didn't lose her presentation doesn't absolve Becky of wrongdoing. Why you do what you do and the effort you put in to do it says more about you than the outcome. In Becky's mind. She probably wasn't even thinking about her intentions at all. But thinking punishing thoughts like �Emily doesn't deserve to be liked so much more than me�. But if Becky had taken a step back and actually considered her intentions and what they reveal about her identity, she may have re-evaluated her plans If she considered the intention.
Speaker 1:My intent is to harm Emily. I'm the kind of person who harms people. This sounds like a miserable life. So what is the end goal here? To become popular like Emily. Is acting like this going to get you there and why do you want to be popular, becky? Is it because you want more friends? Becoming a friend worthy is much more likely to help Becky make friends than scheming.
Speaker 1:Marcus Aurelius wrote �Such as your habitual thoughts, such also will be the character of your mind, for the soul is dyed by the thoughts�. In other words, the thoughts that you allow in your mind influence your character and the color of your soul. You are the accumulation of your thoughts and your actions. That's thoughts and actions. It's not enough to intend to be a good colleague, partner, friend or whatever role is yours to play. Our actions need to back up these intentions. Consider the consequences of what you do or don't do when you're making decisions and follow through on good intentions. What do you want out of life? What do you want right now? Who do you have to be to get this? You've heard of to-do list. What's your to-be list? Who do you want to become? Name your intent and the identity associated with it. This will help you see things more rationally so you can make better decisions.
Speaker 1:Pam is a project manager and a client has just sent in some last-minute changes. Pam wants to let her colleagues know, so she sends them an email saying �Hi, team, some last-minute changes have come through. Please prioritize these so we can make the deadline. We need everyone's undivided attention this week, so please adjust your schedules accordingly. Thank you so much, pam�.
Speaker 1:Harry, one of the team members thinks Pam is implying that they don't usually give their full attention to the project. He shares his feelings with some coworkers and now they feel undervalued because of Pam's message. Harry goes to Pam and he tells her �We work really hard. And now we wonder if you're seeing that, based on your message�, harry's reaction really surprises Pam. She had intended to be helpful by sharing the client changes right away In her mind. Her message had a �We are all in this together feel�. So she is offended that Harry was offended. Why was Harry assuming the worst in her? Before we talk about how to resolve this, I will say that Pam's company should coach its employees to assume positive intent, to reflect before they react and to be more emotionally resilient. And if you would like help with this kind of stoic communication and well-being training, please get in touch. I love doing this kind of work, sarahmycatelcom.
Speaker 1:Back to Harry and Pam. So why might Harry be under the impression that Pam wanted to insult him. Several factors could be at play here Temperament Some people are just naturally wired to be more distrustful and stressed. Experience Harry may have a history of overly critical colleagues and bosses. And also situation Harry may feel under tremendous pressure right now in his role, maybe in his family life.
Speaker 1:And there is also something called the fundamental attribution error. Attribution theory says that we attribute people's behavior to internal factors, such as intentions what we're talking about today and also external factors, and that's things like traffic, things that are outside of our control. However, we often attribute other people's behavior to internal circumstances and our own behavior to external circumstances. So he's late because he's lazy, but I'm late because my train was delayed. That is the fundamental attribution error. There is also theory of mind, and this is our ability to understand that we all have different perspectives, different intentions, values, etc. We can't read each other's minds, but we often forget this and assume that if someone offends us, they intended to offend us. They must be thinking just like us and they know what's going to make us mad. And then we make the fundamental attribution error. We assume somebody made us mad because they're a bad person, instead of considering what might be going on in their life, whether they actually intended to hurt us or whether we are wrong, and they didn't say anything offensive at all.
Speaker 1:Of course the Stoics say we need to take a step back and realize that a lot of our first impressions of a situation are false impressions. Having said that, if your good intentions have unintended negative consequences, accept what happened and remedy the situation. When Harry comes to her, pam feels defensive, but she wisely reflects before she responds. Okay, what is my role here? Who do I want to show up? As she decides. She wants to show up as a caring and competent leader of this project. She says to herself I value clear communication and being open to ideas and suggestions. So Pam sets the intention to listen to Harry with an open mind. She appreciates that he came to her instead of stewing negative emotions by himself, and she considers her role in this misunderstanding. Pam decides that the wisest course of action is to address the situation in the team meeting. So at the beginning of the meeting she says Hi everyone. It's important that I clear something up.
Speaker 1:My email from earlier today came across to some as questioning your dedication. I didn't intend for this tone of voice at all. I know how hard you work and I am just so grateful for each and every one of you. My goal with that email was simply to alert you to changes and to say all hands on deck, we are in this together and I value each and every one of you. Cultivate thoughts that reflect the kind of person you want to be. Wisdom comes from learning from mistakes and adjusting your actions in the future. Pam could have said you are all a bunch of babies Grow up, we are under a tight deadline and you're whining about an email as making our situation worse, but what outcome would that have resulted in? What intention would she have been speaking from? That wouldn't have helped anyone, including herself. Instead of reacting out of emotion, pam showed up as a leader. She tried to see things from the other side. She listened, she clarified her intentions and she restored harmony to the team, and now she knows how to more effectively communicate with them next time. Responding this way is like taking care of the environment. It is the right thing to do and it also just makes good business sense. After this conversation, pam and her colleagues literally felt much better.
Speaker 1:Science suggests that the way we perceive someone's intentions has an effect on our physical experience. There is a study called the power of good intentions. Perceived benevolence soothes pain, increases pleasure and improves taste, and they wanted to see if what we think about a person's intentions can alter our perceptions of pleasure and pain. In one of their studies, participants received electric shocks and they thought that they were receiving these shocks either by mistake, by a mean person on purpose, or by someone with good intentions who was shocking them so they had a chance to win a prize. Participants felt the most pain from the shocks when they thought the intent was malicious the person was trying to hurt them. They felt the least amount of pain from the benevolent shockers. Those were the people who were trying to help them win money. When we think somebody's being malicious, we feel worse, but if we think they've got our best interests at heart, the same circumstance can feel better. This comes in especially handy when giving somebody constructive feedback at work.
Speaker 1:Taylor hired a junior employee named Jordan who has just given his first presentation. Jordan left out some important data and his slides didn't follow brand guidelines. Taylor wants to give Jordan feedback without discouraging him. Now the key is to frame positive intent. If Taylor doesn't frame his good intentions or consider his words beforehand, the conversation risks going something like this Jordan, you forgot to include the data we needed in your presentation and the formatting was wrong. Did no one tell you how we usually present? And then Jordan might respond oh, I spent hours on that presentation. I wanted to share something new. Did you hate all of it? Alternatively, taylor can emphasize the purpose of the conversation beforehand, which is to help Jordan. So Taylor could say Jordan, first off, I loved your enthusiasm that you brought to your presentation. I can tell that you really care about your work and you have been such a valuable addition to the team. May I share some guidance to help improve your next presentation? And Jordan will probably say sure, we have certain branding that we use. I'm sorry if nobody told you, but our slides need to adhere to that. I also noticed that some key data from operations was missing. In response, jordan might say something like oh, I am so sorry that I forgot to include the operation slide. That won't happen again. As for the format, I was trying something new, but I understand if there's a standard deck to follow. That actually makes my life a lot easier. By setting the tone and being clear on intentions, taylor and Jordan can have a much more productive conversation focused on Jordan's growth.
Speaker 1:To sum all of this up clean up your intentions before you communicate and your life is going to flow a lot more smoothly. This is the solution to half of life's problems. You want the message people receive to be as close as possible to what you intended to say, but, as you know, a lot gets lost in translation. People make fundamental attribution errors. They filter our words through their own personality, their experience, their present situation. They forget that we can't read their minds. Ideally, intentions lead to positive outcomes and socially, this builds trust between people. On the flip side, when you don't do what you say you're going to do or your actions have unintended consequences, relationships can really suffer.
Speaker 1:When you are communicating with people, consider how your message could be received and adjust to have the impact you want. Before you speak, ask yourself what your intention is and what outcome you're seeking. Does this line up with your values and who you want to be? Are your intentions having the impact that you want? Are your actions aligned with what you say is important to you? This is what I love coaching people on, if you would like to feel and to also be seen as somebody who communicates with clarity, with confidence, with good intention. Go to sarahmygatellcom and book a free conversation with me. Together we can elevate your speaking style so you can have the influence and impact you want. In the words of Lao Zhu watch your thoughts, they become your words. Watch your words, they become your actions. Watch your actions, they become your habits. Watch your habits they become your character. Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.