Why do we get angry? How can we challenge our immediate reactions? And what's the best way to articulate our feelings without passive aggression or a blow-up?
In this episode, you'll learn four Stoic tips to turn potential conflicts into opportunities for personal growth and stronger relationships.
Let’s continue the conversation. Head on over to my blog on Substack for more content on how to thrive through better communication, Stoicism, and global exploration. That’s right, blogging is cool again. Over on the Substack platform, you can chat with me in the comments and I have plenty of bonuses for paid subscribers. Or, you can read new posts for free.
Live Without Borders Substack
Why do we get angry? How can we challenge our immediate reactions? And what's the best way to articulate our feelings without passive aggression or a blow-up?
In this episode, you'll learn four Stoic tips to turn potential conflicts into opportunities for personal growth and stronger relationships.
Let’s continue the conversation. Head on over to my blog on Substack for more content on how to thrive through better communication, Stoicism, and global exploration. That’s right, blogging is cool again. Over on the Substack platform, you can chat with me in the comments and I have plenty of bonuses for paid subscribers. Or, you can read new posts for free.
Live Without Borders Substack
What do you do when somebody makes you really mad? Do you yell? Do you calmly address the situation? If you're like most of my clients, you'll get passive, aggressive or say nothing at all. In today's episode, I'm giving you four stoic solutions to help you manage conflict, including all that drama you just make up in your mind. As my key turns in the door, my heart swells with sleepy joy. I will soon be in my own bed.
Speaker 1:Getting from my family's house in New England to my one-bedroom flat in old England takes about 20 hours of trains, planes, automobiles, security and passport control. So when my artist friend, joe, who'd stayed at my place, texted that he'd cleaned my carpet as a way to say thanks, I imagined walking into a sparkling apartment and fresh linens to sink into. But as soon as I open the door, I know something is wrong. My vegetarian home reeks of fish. I am not sure if it's cooking residue or the big black garbage bag leaking in the kitchen. Dishes wait for me in the sink. Coconut oil smears, the knives and spoons left on the counter, onion peels and other scraps litter the floor like peanut shells in a dive bar. The scene reminds me of the time a squirrel slid down my grandmother's chimney and went berserk in her house chewing up her wooden banister along with some carrots.
Speaker 1:And I am not a neat freak. My motivation to clean usually comes when I'm procrastinating on something else. But this is too much even for me. I put my shoes back on and walk the trash to the community bins. Then, instead of going to sleep, I get on my hands and knees and scrub the stench out of the wood flooring of my kitchen. So what am I going to say to Joe about this? I'm a pretty chill person, but there was a time when I would have flipped out over the situation Like what the F were you thinking? Leaving my place like that? That is so disrespectful. This is what I would have been thinking in my mind. But, being highly conflict avoidant, I would have either said nothing, talked about him behind his back or never spoken to him again.
Speaker 1:Stoicism has taught me that this is not a rational response. When we get mad at someone, we often don't explore why we are angry. Instead, when we're triggered, we make snap judgments and declare that someone else is the jerk. Stoicism tells us to pause, get curious about our thoughts and observe the bigger picture. Here are some dirty kitchen thoughts. He thinks he can take advantage of me. He doesn't respect me. He doesn't care about our friendship. He used me. Stoicism tells us to challenge the truth of these first impressions and accept or reject them based on rational thinking. How you choose to think about your circumstance will determine your emotional state. I'll say that again because it's very important how you choose to think about your circumstance will determine your emotional state.
Speaker 1:My response to the Joe situation intrigues me. I'm not mad. Okay, I'm a little annoyed when I first walk in and it's stunk, but I'm not furious. I don't take the state of my apartment as a personal attack, as if Joe's trying to hurt me. I'm more curious, like what was going on in his mind to leave the place like this, taking a moment to reflect. I know the mess has nothing to do with his respect for me. Most likely he was either careless or running to catch a train. Either way, it has nothing to do with my character and zooming out, it's not a big deal. No one bombed my home.
Speaker 1:But I feel like I should say something to Joe. First I have to figure out, one, why I want to say something and two, what outcome do I want? Well, a tiny part of me wants to tell him off. That's not a good reason to talk to someone. I don't want the purpose of what I say to be unkind. Trying to hurt someone just does not align with my values. Here's a better reason to talk to Joe To help him preserve his future relationships by understanding that he should clean up after himself, in my opinion at least. Maybe other people thought the way he left the apartment was totally fine.
Speaker 1:When Joe texts me, here's how I respond hey mate, thanks so much for cleaning the carpet, a task I wouldn't have thought to do myself. I don't want you to think that I don't appreciate your effort, but when I came back, I was surprised to find a bag of open garbage in my kitchen and food on the counter and on the floor. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you were running to catch a train and didn't have time to clean. I'm telling you this because I know that you respect other people and the next time you stay at someone's place I don't want you to give them the wrong impression. I'm glad that you relaxed while you were here and I hope your week is off to a good start. A few minutes later, joe writes back and apologizes. He says he hadn't known where to put the garbage. I accept this and we move on with life.
Speaker 1:I'm still surprised by how fast conflicts can be resolved through dialogue. As an introverted enneagram nine, I agonize when relationships feel out of alignment and historically I tried ignoring this kind of discomfort, but it would always be looping anxiously in the back of my mind. As a communication coach, I've learned what to say during uncomfortable conversations, but it's stoicism that gave me the courage to say the words and the wisdom to see that my interpretation of events is mine alone. Was my conflict with Joe real or drama? I created in my head A thought to challenge. For the most part I can stay angry at someone if I try, but before stoicism I did stop speaking to a few people rather than have an uncomfortable conversation, and I wonder now what would have happened if I'd had the courage to talk to them, if I'd gotten curious about their intentions instead of just assenting to the idea that they betrayed me.
Speaker 1:Back in my living room I pick up a winter solstice card that Joe left for me. In it he tells me that, after losing all his belongings, staying at my place felt therapeutic. When Joe was a kid. His mother's boyfriend burned their house to the ground. He lost everything. Two other guys she dated ended up in prison for killing people, and when I see a teen mom smoking a cigarette and pushing a prem, I imagine Joe's life as a baby and my heart hurts.
Speaker 1:These days, joe lives off grid in the woods where he makes nettle tea in a home that he's slowly building himself. His floors are literally dirt, so I forgive him for not noticing crumbs at my place, and while Joe didn't tidy the kitchen, it turns out that he washed my windows and made a few other home improvements. I put down Joe's card and, feeling a second wind, I decide to stay up until bedtime. This has all worked out for the best. This is going to help me get over my jet lag and later, when I wrap myself in my duvet and close my eyes, I will give thanks for the simple pleasure of having a roof over my head. More importantly, I'll be grateful I could offer this comfort to a friend.