Why You'd Rather Lose Than Be Treated Unfairly

What do abandoned mansions in Bucharest have to do with dirty dishes and emotional resentment?

In this episode, I explore how our desire for fairness can lead us to self-sabotage — and how Stoic justice asks us to think beyond pride, punishment, and being right.

We’ll walk through a real-world example of decades-long property disputes, connect it to the Ultimatum Game in behavioral economics, and look at how these same dynamics show up in our everyday relationships — from family drama to who does the dishes.

This is an invitation to reflect on what you're holding onto, and whether it’s time to build something new — even without the apology or closure you thought you needed.

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Hi! I’m your host, Sarah Mikutel, an American in England and fellow citizen of the world. A few things I love: Stoicism, great vegetarian tacos, and helping my coaching clients thrive in all areas of their lives. 

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Transcript

Why You'd Rather Lose Than Be Treated Unfairly

Speaker 1 0:01

I'm walking around Bucharest as the sun sets . This Romanian city is filled with gorgeous , well-kept buildings , and it's also filled with sublime , decay , boarded up mansions heaving in on themselves , chipped paint and broken windows , nature reclaiming the land . Why , I wonder , are these places sitting here , abandoned ? Surely there are people who want to return these places to their former glory or , at the very least , turn them into something else . I soon learn that these places have been in litigation for years , and the reason surprises me .

Speaker 1 0:39

The communist regime , which lasted from 1945 to 1989 in Romania . They abolished private property , so they kicked wealthy people out of their homes , or they might have allowed them to rent a room in the property that they used to own . Then the state split up the rest of the home and rented rooms out to peasants , whom they moved into the city to work in the factories as the country tried to industrialize itself . After the dictator Nikolai Ceausescu was executed in 1989 , people had the right to claim back their property , but here's where things get messy . The original owners of a property had a right to it , but so did the renters who lived there . The new government gave them the option to buy their rentals at very low prices , and so tens of thousands of lawsuits ensued . Meanwhile , people did not invest in maintaining the property while it was in dispute , and often nobody's living there . Of course , it's more complicated than this . Some properties were given back to the people who no longer lived in the country , so it sat empty . For other properties , an owner or heir couldn't be found , but people didn't want to purchase the property , because what if somebody comes back and claims it ? Or someone gets the legal right to a property that can't afford to renovate it according to historical preservation standards . So they are just waiting for the building to collapse so they can build something new . And as I'm walking around looking at these ghostly palaces , I think about those money experiments that expose how our emotions , rather than logic , guide our thoughts and feelings and actions

The Ultimatum Game

Speaker 1 2:25

.

Speaker 1 2:26

In 1982 , while Ceausescu made plans to tear down Bucharest's historic neighborhoods so he could build his North Korean-inspired Palace of the People , German economist Werner Guth published a paper that turned how we think about human behavior on its head . Economists had previously theorized that human beings acted in their best interests , which seems really weird if you have spent any time amongst humanity . But maybe they were stuck in their ivory towers . In Guth's ultimatum bargaining game , he demonstrated how often we go against our own interests if we perceive something to be unjust .

Speaker 1 3:05

In what is commonly referred to today as the ultimatum game , player A gets $10 , for example , to divide between him and player B , and player B's role is to accept or reject the offer . And if he rejects , both players get nothing . And if he accepts , both players get to keep whatever was offered . So let's say that player A offers player B $1 and player A plans to pocket $9 for himself . Player B rejects this as a bad deal for himself . That doesn't seem fair . He would only get 10% , but when he rejects now , they both have $0 . Only get 10% , but when he rejects now , they both have $0 . Player B harmed himself financially because he felt Player A was being unjust .

Speaker 1 3:52

Now that I know about this game , I'm more conscious of making wise decisions , and yet the rational choice can feel unjust . Logically , this knowledge that we have about the ultimatum game should make it easy for us to make small decisions , as easy as it is to make large ones . What is in my best interest ? What's in the best interest of the other person or people ? What is it that I actually want ? Is there a way for both of us to get what we want .

Speaker 1 4:24

What if what you want is to live in the family home the Communist Party evicted your grandparents from ? Hypothetically , let's say , one of the rooms is available . You could live there and share the building with people who purchase their rentals . But that doesn't seem fair to you . You'd be getting what you said you wanted to live in the family home in Bucharest . But that's not what you want anymore . Your priorities have changed . You don't want to just live there , you want it all . Or maybe what you always really wanted was justice for what was done to your family , for the hunger and blackouts brought on by austerity during communism , for the loss of dignity and the theft of livelihoods , for the fear and the frustration , for the intense surveillance and the forced silence Somebody has to pay , even though the biggest culprit died by firing squad on Christmas Day 1989 . These vendettas are understandable . They're not reasonable . In the name of justice , no one is winning . With these buildings , player A and Player B continue to lose as the floorboards rot and grass grows through the windowsills of these empty buildings .

Are we losing by holding out for the win?

Speaker 1 5:37

We all play these games , with ourselves and with others . We get frustrated when other people seem to get special treatment , when we feel cheated when it seems like we are working harder or we are caring more . We get mad when people don't pull their weight , famously when they leave laundry out or dirty dishes lying around . But it's not really about the dishes , it's about what the mess represents . We might be mad at that incident or pattern of incidents , but what really upsets us is the feeling we've been disrespected , taken advantage of , unloved . We are thinking with our emotions here . Rationally , if we want a clean house , we'd put away the laundry and do the dishes ourselves . But our reaction isn't about the task , it's about what feels unfair , what feels unjust . So we play emotional games where nobody wins .

Speaker 1 6:33

Life is not fair sometimes , and reacting emotionally often feels easier in the short term than living by our values . But what is at stake in the long term ? If my grandparents' home was taken from them , I would be tempted to fight for it in their honor . And yet nothing is that simple . What if they died decades ago and I now live in another country with no plans to return ? Would I sue the current government ? Or is another way to honor them ? To allow families to live in their home ? Is my goal to honor or to punish , and sometimes it can be

Stoic justice

Speaker 1 7:10

both .

Speaker 1 7:11

When we hear the word justice , we often picture courtrooms or period dramas with swords . But for the Stoics , justice wasn't about punishment or getting what you deserve . It's about living well with other people , choosing fairness , wisdom and compassion over ego and pride . Justice is a virtue . It's not a vendetta . It's not cruel or a one-sided retribution . It's the cultivation of a world in which everyone can live with dignity . Even when the system is a mess , we can still choose fairness . We can act with kindness and consider the whole . And this doesn't mean giving up your rights . It does mean thinking beyond yourself . We say we want fairness , but years pass , paperwork piles up , keys never turn in locks , ferns grow in the stairwells decades .

Speaker 1 8:04

If player A and player B both lose , is that a victory ? Sometimes we're not just holding on to a home , we're holding on to a story , one in which we were wronged , where someone else must make it right before we move on . And things get messy this way because there are always multiple stories . The tenant who lived in those walls has a story , and so does the heir , who grew up hearing about what was taken . Stoicism would ask both of them to zoom out and consider the other perspective . What would justice look like if I were in their place ?

What do you need to let go of?

Speaker 1 8:46

As I sip my cappuccino outside a cafe shaded by trees , I think of how modern and convenient this city has become . You can book a train online , use contactless payments everywhere , order an Uber on your phone . It's so much more convenient than a lot of places I've visited in the world Convenient and modern At the same time .

Speaker 1 9:07

Across Bucharest , vacant buildings remain frozen in time , waiting for a decision about who deserves to be there . These buildings can't move forward because they're still tied to a past that hasn't been released . What parts of your life are like that ? What conversation are you not having because you're waiting for someone else to go first ? What dream , relationship or change feels blocked for you because you're hanging on to something from the past ? What if you thought about letting go , not as surrender , but as repair and growth ? Even without the closure you hoped for ? It's choosing to build again . That's all for now . I'm Sarah Moikitel and I thank you for listening . Have a beautiful week , wherever you are .