Stoic Wellbeing

Get to the Point

• Communication & Mindset Coach Sarah Mikutel

Share episode

We often have something meaningful to say – but the way we say it can get in the way. We overload our listener with backstory, hoping to make them understand, and end up muddying the message instead. In this episode, I explore why this happens and how a small shift in how we speak can make a big difference.

***

I’m your host, Sarah Mikutel, a communication and mindset coach. My work is about helping people like you share your voice, strengthen your relationships, and have more fun.

As an American expat living in the U.K., I value curiosity, courage, and joy. A few things I love: wandering European streets in search of the best vegetarian meal, practicing Italian, and helping my clients design lives that feel rich and meaningful.

If you're ready to have conversations that open doors – in your career, your relationships, and your life – let’s talk.

Feeling on edge lately? You’re not alone.

What if I created a membership where we’ll practice techniques I use with my one-to-one clients to calm the nervous system – and have fun while we’re at it.

If this community sounds great to you, get on the waitlist to register your interest. This helps me gauge interest and puts you first in line for special founder pricing if it launches.

Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? 

I created a free Conversation Cheat Sheet with simple formulas you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you’re in a meeting or just talking with friends.

Download it at sarahmikutel.com/blanknomore and start feeling more confident in your conversations today.

SPEAKER_00:

I was taking a holistic voice class recently where we did a mix of stretching, breathing, and other practices to connect voice and body. And it was mostly great, except for one exercise where we had to stomp around and beat our chests and chant, me, me, me. And it felt very cringe for me. Probably worth a journaling session. And during the break, I walk up to the instructor and I say, I don't live in London. And she looks at me confused before I add, so I'll have to leave a little early to catch my train. And if I had wanted to speak more clearly, or if I thought about being more clear first, I could have just said, I might need to leave a little bit early because I don't live in London and I need to catch my train. That version would have given her the point first so she would have understood why I'm bringing up where I live. And this got me thinking about how often people, even those who have really brilliant things to say, can lose their listeners because they lead with too much backstory. And when people don't know where you're going, they tend to tune out. So in this episode, I want to talk about how we can give them a roadmap by getting to the point first. For many of us, leading with a lot of preamble is our natural way of speaking. We front load the conversation with lots of details because we want to make sure that the other person really understands the whole story, and this can feel generous and orderly to us. But often all of this information muddies our message, and it especially confuses what's called top-down thinkers. Let's say your boss brings you into his office. He is a very direct person and he wants a yes or no answer from you on something. But you launch into the history of the project thinking you need to bring him up to speed on the project first. And he might get really annoyed and say, just give me the answer. So he is what's called a top-down thinker. He wants the big picture first and then the details. And I, and most people I know, including my clients, we are bottom-up thinkers. We like to build toward the answer. There's nothing wrong with bottom-up thinking. When it comes to communication, it could even be preferred depending on the audience and the context. But if you are finding that people's eyes are glazing over when you talk, you might want to try speaking in a more top-down way. In other words, get to the point and then share your why. So here is a simple shift that could help you out. If someone asks you a question, answer the question before taking them on a wild ride of your thought process behind it. I'll talk you through an exercise that I did with myself. So I'm walking along the beach and pondering how would I answer this question that I've heard quite a few times on different podcasts. The host will ask, What is something you've changed your mind about lately? And in my head, as the pretend podcast guest, I started to mentally explain how I have hundreds of audiobooks and podcasts on my phone. And I really like the double benefit of walking while listening. And I am just so sad that there is so much that I won't get to read or listen to in this life. There is so much content out there. But I realized lately that I'm just not enjoying listening to audio at double speed as much as I used to. I'm not retaining what I hear as much. And I'm also not fully taking in the nature around me. The sound of the waves, the birds, the trees. And eventually as I'm talking this through in my mind, I get to the answer to the question. What I changed my mind about is listening to headphones on my morning walks. I decided I don't want to do that anymore, or at least not all of the time. Now, if I were having this conversation with a friend, I may have shared in a bottom-up way. I enjoy when certain friends take me on these wild conversational rides. I love the tangents and the detours and the deep dives and looping back around. But if I were on someone's podcast and gave that answer, I may have sounded lost and all over the place. And quick side note, in that holistic voice class that I took, one of the students said, I bore myself when I talk. And bottom-up communication could be one reason why. Maybe she is just talking out loud and just completely getting lost in her thoughts and losing the point. And if other people seem to be lost or bored when we speak, then maybe that is making us get bored with ourselves as well. So back to that podcast. If I had wanted to answer the question in a more direct way, I could have said, I changed my mind about walking and listening to audio at the same time. And then I could share the why behind my answer. The content just isn't sticking the same way. And I realize I want to be more present in the world as I walk around. I want to give myself space to think and not to try to consume information in every moment. And there is some grief in that because it makes me really sad to know that there are thousands of great books out there, and I don't have enough time in this life to read or listen to them all. This means I have to be more mindful about what I consume and when. And that answer would give my imaginary podcast host all sorts of conversational threads to pull from. Also, please tell me that you have these imaginary conversations in your head as well. Message me and let me know. Okay, so one simple way to shift your style without losing your voice is what I call ASR, Answer Story Recap. This is a very simple framework that you can use to a answer the question you're asked, S share why you believe that, what is the story behind your answer, and R. Recap. So if you want, you can reiterate your point by recapping what you just said. And this point first, context second communication gives your listeners guidance on where you are taking them. And this can be incredibly helpful in certain contexts, such as when you are in a meeting and someone asks you a direct question, when you are in an interview and you are trying to answer a question and you don't want to get lost in your own thoughts. Or when you want to hold people's attention and you know that you have a habit of overexplaining or meandering. Getting to the point also helps people feel listened to. Maybe you've had the experience where somebody has asked you a question and you've gone off on a tangent, and suddenly you realize you don't even remember what was asked. And you are trying to talk and think at the same time and land this plane, and where was I? And is this other person even paying attention at this point? Giving a clear answer up front will let them know that you understood the question, that you answered the question. It gives you some grounding and helps the other person feel like you're actually responding to them and not disappearing into your own head. And then you can share more information afterward. Having said all that, bottom-up communication has its place. Not every conversation needs to be crisp and direct. And again, I actually love when conversations with friends take all kinds of twists and turns. And I love when podcasts and books share stories up front and then they ease their way into the point. Because stories make us care, and they are the things that stick with us. And they're part of good communication. As Aristotle said, great communication includes these three things: ethos. This is your credibility. Do they trust you? Pathos. This is your ability to elicit emotion. Do they feel something? And logos. This is your ability to share your ideas clearly. Do they understand? And we need all of these elements. So pop quiz on your communication style. Which of these versions of these two phrases do you prefer? Version one? Yesterday I looked up and the whole sky was bright blue. Isn't it cool how light does that? That's because of how sunlight scatters in the air. Version two? The sky is blue. That's because sunlight hits the atmosphere and scatters blue light. Personally, I like the dreaminess of version one. I imagine a dad explaining to his little boy the wonders of the world. So for me, give me the emotion before the logic. But both options are valid. Good communication is about asking, who's listening and how do they like to take in information? What's the context? Is this a good time for story or should I be getting to the point here? And if you're not sure, try this. When you want to connect emotionally, start with story. When you want to be clear, start with the point. And when you want to be memorable, combine both in the order that fits. So to sum all of this up, get to the point isn't a rule. It's a tool that can help you sound more polished. And when you pair clarity with warmth and story and curiosity, that's when you will really keep people engaged. This is something I work on every day with clients. How to sound clear without losing the heart of what you're trying to say. And if this is something you would like support with, then I would love to hear from you. Click on the link in the episode notes and let's set up a time to chat and talk about how you can become a more calm and confident communicator.