Mind Reading Isn't a Sign of Love

Have you ever thought: “If they really loved me, they’d just know without me having to say it.”

But expecting someone to intuit your needs isn’t romantic – it’s magical thinking. In this episode, I talk about why unspoken expectations lead to disappointment, the shift you need to make for real connection, and why clarity is one of the most generous things you can offer in a relationship.

Read the transcript.

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I’m your host, Sarah Mikutel, a communication and mindset coach. My work is about helping people like you share your voice, strengthen your relationships, and have more fun.

As an American expat living in the U.K., I value curiosity, courage, and joy. A few things I love: wandering European streets in search of the best vegetarian meal, practicing Italian, and helping my clients design lives that feel rich and meaningful.

If you're ready to stop procrastinating so you can live the life you truly want – let’s talk.

Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? 

I created a free Conversation Cheat Sheet with simple formulas you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you’re in a meeting or just talking with friends.

Download it at sarahmikutel.com/blanknomore and start feeling more confident in your conversations today.

Transcript

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The Chewed Toy Insight

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I'm visiting my eight-year-old nephew, and I pick up a stuffed animal with his gut spilling out. What happened to this toy? I ask. Mario chewed him up, my nephew says. I put the stuffed animal back on the dining room table. It must be really confusing for dogs, I say. They don't know the difference between a dog toy and a child's toy. All of their toys look the same.

Pets And Human Logic

SPEAKER_00 0:21

I've always thought of that it was strange that humans expect animals to magically comprehend the rules that we make up. Fetch this plastic bottle that we found here in the park, but don't you dare take it out of the trash later. Scratch this post, but do not scratch that sofa leg that looks exactly the same. We can't fault our pets for not understanding our logic.

The Mind-Reading Trap

SPEAKER_00 0:43

And I would say the same goes for people too. Most of us, perhaps without realizing it, assume other people can read our minds. And when they don't do what we want, but haven't said, we get a little annoyed, like they are willfully not following the program. Or we get frustrated that they seem incapable of doing so. If he really cared about me, I wouldn't have to tell him. He would just know. We've all had thoughts like this, and it's about as fair as getting mad at your dog for not offering to help with the dishes after you already said you'd do

Real-Life Examples Of Unsaid Needs

SPEAKER_00 1:18

them. And as a coach, I hear versions of this mind-reading wish all of the time. He saw me rubbing my shoulder. Why didn't he ask me if I wanted a shoulder rub? His gifts are so impersonal. I am not a flower person. I spend so much time finding the perfect thing for him. We want our friends and our partners and our families to intuit our thoughts. Okay, not every thought, only our wishes. Somewhere along the way, we got into our heads that if someone truly loved us, they'd know what we'd want and they would grant these desires without us having to say anything. And this isn't romantic, it's magical thinking. And keeping quiet builds resentment.

From Magical Thinking To Stoic Reason

SPEAKER_00 2:03

We need to shift from if they cared, they'd just know, to if I care, I will make myself known. The ancient Stoics would say this is a much more reasonable way to think. According to them, the difference between humans and dogs is that we are capable of rational thought. We just don't always use it. Wishing that somebody could read your mind and then just do whatever you wanted is not a rational way of thinking. And so we need to challenge these thinking traps.

Name Your Wants Without Fear

SPEAKER_00 2:40

Why do we have this secret wish that people will just know what we want and act on it? Well, one of the reasons you might be holding back from saying what you want is the fear that you might not get it, that you'll be rejected, ignored, not listened to. But if you don't ask, you'll never know, and then you're just rejecting yourself before anyone else can. So ask for the shoulder rub. Explain why you would rather receive a matchbox that he saved on your first date from the restaurant than an expensive bouquet. And you still

Clarity, Connection, And Character

SPEAKER_00 3:18

might be gripping onto that notion like that's not romantic. If he really loved me, he would just know, no. The ability to read your mind does not equal how much someone loves you. That goes for men and women. Sure, after you share what's important to you, they can put in some effort, but first you need to verbalize what's going on internally with you. This clarity is kindness. And the connection that you want begins with communication. And once someone knows what matters to you, then they can choose how to show up. And that is a much more rational way to assess somebody's character. And they probably do want to make you happy because in the end, we are all a little like dogs. We love you and we are just looking for a little direction. That's all

Closing And Where To Learn More

SPEAKER_00 4:14

for now. I am Sarah Michatel, your communication and mindset coach. And if you've been listening for a while, you know that I love talking about stoicism, connection, global exploration. If you want to learn more, visit SarahMichatel.com.