What Is Draining My Energy? Inside an Energy Leadership Index Assessment Debrief [coaching]

What’s really draining your energy isn’t solely the stressors in your life but the patterns you’ve learned to deal with them. If you’re feeling emotionally drained, constantly second-guessing yourself, or stuck in a cycle of over-responsibility and burnout—you’re not alone, and there’s nothing wrong with you. The ways your unconscious has learned to help you may no longer support the life you want. While the state of the world is undeniably overwhelming, many of the most persistent energy drains come from within—especially in how we respond to stress, pressure, and high expectations. In this real-life Energy Leadership Index (ELI) debrief, I walk through a coaching session with a creative, purpose-driven client who’s feeling depleted. Together, we explore how her energy is shaped by both external stressors and internal beliefs, including guilt around setting boundaries, fear of letting others down, and the pressure to always get things right. 

In this episode of Mindset Unlimited, you’ll hear Valerie use the Energy Leadership Index Assessment Debrief to help a client explore the question: “What’s really draining your energy and how can you reclaim it using your strengths?”

Some of what we engage in this episode include:

• What the Energy Leadership Index (ELI) Assessment is and how it works
• The 7 levels of energy and how they influence stress, mindset, and behavior
• How your energy levels can lead to exhaustion, motivation, and or both
• Identifying practical strategies that fit you when it comes to supports like setting boundaries and honoring your capacity

If you’re navigating stress, fatigue, or emotional exhaustion and want insight into how to reclaim your energy and feel more empowered, this episode is for you.

LINKS TO REFERENCES MADE IN THIS EPISODE:

Sign up for the Energy Leadership Index Assessment Use Code APRILELI for $150 off!

Unlocking Your Leadership Energy episode

You’re More Than Your Personality Test episode

Toxic Positivity episode

CONNECT WITH VALERIE:

Ask Valerie (anonymous form)

Sign up for Valerie’s newsletter

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Schedule an exploration call

This podcast was produced by Valerie Friedlander Coaching

Proud member of the Feminist Podcasters Collective

Transcript

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Valerie Friedlander: 0:00

Hello, my friends, and welcome to another episode of Mindset unlimited. Today we are talking about what's really draining your energy. An inside look into the ELI debrief. Eli stands for energy leadership index, and the debrief is what you get after you take the assessment. We do the debrief, because it's really necessary to be able to understand the assessment. Since this is an attitudinal assessment rather than a personality assessment, part of what we're doing is looking at the lens that you perceive the world through, and if you just do that by yourself, you're perceiving through your normal lens the report, and it's just not possible to go quite as deep and get as robust and understanding of yourself and of the patterns that are present and that are showing up. So having the debrief is really important now. Reason I wanted to share this with you is because this isn't a super well known assessment, and I think it's really helpful when you're considering investing in yourself, that you have an understanding of what exactly you're getting. What does that look like? What is the value? How is this supportive? I called this episode, what's really draining your energy? Because if you are someone who is feeling emotionally drained tends to second guess yourself, feeling stuck in a cycle of over responsibility and burnout. Maybe you identify as a recovering people pleaser. This episode is definitely going to resonate now. Everybody's going to have a different experience with the ELI, different results from the Eli. I talk a little bit about that in this episode. This episode, but if you want to dive more into the framework, I have a couple other episodes, including the episode from earlier this month, that I dig further into the framework so that you can take the framework and utilize it. I love this tool. I have had clients who love this they've contacted me years later and told me how the framework itself has been so helpful in being able to create shifts in their life. Some of them have redone the Eli and seeing the things that have shifted over time and with different experiences and circumstances, what it looks like at a different point in their life. It's just fascinating. So if you are listening to this and you're like, I would really love to better understand my own patterns, especially how stress might be shaping your choices, I want you to know that I am currently offering $150 discount on the energy leadership index assessment. It's normally 345 and with the code April Eli, you'll receive the assessment, the report, a full 90 minute debrief with me to unpack your results and a code for discounted coaching sessions if you want the additional support afterwards, I will make a note real quick here that this debrief is slightly shortened because normally 90 minutes. I wanted to try and keep this podcast a little bit more towards its normal length, though it is a little bit longer than usual. Anyway, I'm offering this discount right now, because we're living through a time of rapid and often overwhelming change and just a lot of overwhelming dynamics. And this is a self awareness tool that can be incredibly grounding. Can help you see where the stress is shaping your reactions and how you can shift into more intentional action, regardless of the stressors, basically shifting from what you don't have control over to what you do. The code is good through April 30, or until I reach capacity, because it is an intensive offering, and so whichever comes first, that's how long it will last. And now let's get into the example debrief, so you can hear what this actually sounds like in practice. My goal with this assessment when we go through it together, is that you understand how the patterns are showing up for you, but also that you understand the levels and how to engage them in a way that actually meets you where you're at with each level, because we are not one level or the other level at any time, one may have dominance in our perception. So if you think of it like colors, whatever one is dominant is going to infuse all the other ones a little bit more, but that dominant color is also being infused by the other colors as well. Because I sent you the report ahead of time, so you had a chance to look it over a little bit. Do. But not spend too much time overthinking it. So we'll start with, what do you hope to achieve from this assessment?

Client: 5:09

Honestly, just a little bit more self awareness as to like, why I approach things, or come to think of things in the way that I do, and not necessarily if it's good or bad, but what adjustments or changes or shifts can I make to be more in line with where I want to be? I suppose I think it would reserve more energy for things that were

Valerie Friedlander: 5:29

If you had the knowledge to make shifts more fulfilling and productive. You know what I mean? I think the negative self talk, or like, the negative approach to things is more draining, and that would be the only thing I could think of off the top of my head? Yeah, no, that makes a lot of sense. I'm curious, if you had more energy for the things that you wanted, what difference would that make, do you imagine in your health and wellness?

Client: 6:16

Oh, huge. I think it would change everything, honestly and like, the way I parent, the way I show up in my relationships, even in my my field, my business, I feel like when I've been physically more fit and, like, more active, I've had more energy, and therefore there's more waking hours in the day for me to do the things that I want to do, versus there being hours in the day where I'm Just waiting until we can go to sleep so I can rest.

Valerie Friedlander: 6:44

Yeah, yeah, absolutely, yep. And when you are more tired, your body is also more reactive, right? So it kind of feeds on itself. What difference do you think it would make in your sense of ability to be a leader or your leadership?

Client: 7:03

was not as tired as I feel and am, I think it would enable me to process and communicate more efficiently. So as ideas come, I'd probably be able to compute them, put them together and share them in a shorter time span than it takes. Now, I feel like leaders are kind of like on top of it in that way, and consistent. I think consistency is kind of that would help you be more in alignment with where you want to hard when your energy levels are fluctuating. And then, you know, if you add the layer of hormones into it, it's just a it's a fun guessing game.

Valerie Friedlander: 7:49

Yeah, yeah. All right, that. So I ask about those things, because part of the questionnaire involves certain things where you're feeling more satisfied or less satisfied in life. And so I kind of look at, what are we looking at really understanding? So that's part of where those questions come from. And then so I'm hearing there may be some stories around being tired as well that play into, like you mentioned the negative self talk and that sort of thing. And so one thing about being tired, we have a lot of stories around productivity in our society. And so especially when you have hormonal shifts, or when you have energy dynamics, which can be mindset, but they can also be physical. And those two will play together based on those stories. So that's something that I did notice, and is pretty common with the energetic profile that I'm seeing for you. So it makes a lot of sense that that would be a big thing for you. So I'm curious, what did you notice when you looked at your report?

Client: 9:06

I think it was one of those, like, hope for the best situations. And it's like, oh, maybe I will get more of the lean. I think it was like seven or eight level, but I felt like it was more on the nose. I don't know. I was just like, Yeah, this, this feels accurate, like I have a level of self awareness. Was like, yeah, like you, you know. So I don't, I don't know if I had any specific expectations and taking the report, it was more of just like a FAAFO, you know, let's mess around and find out. Yeah, the cards fall.

Valerie Friedlander: 9:49

Was there anything that stood out to you when you looked at it?

Client: 9:54

I think it was surprised, like the dip in the middle, right? Like. Uh, one and two was high, and then I think seven or eight was a little bit more, but the ones in the middle were pretty low, and I was just like, Oh, I didn't expect there to be such contrast.

Valerie Friedlander: 10:14

Yeah, so that's one of the things I like to emphasize, is so there are two parts, since we're not, nobody's looking at your chart right now. They're they're hearing us talk about it. There are two pieces to the chart. One is your energetic profile, and the other is your energetic stress reaction. And so your energetic stress reaction is, is what happens when a stressor occurs. And it could be something that lasts a minute, a moment to days, depending on what that stressor is and how it's impacting you. So that is pretty much always going to be a one, level one, or level two or both, because that's that survival mode. Essentially, one and two exist in what's called the circle of self, and I'll be. What difference do you think that would make in your life? have links to pictures in the show notes for everybody who's listening. One and two are those I need to protect myself. So one tends to be that, like life's happening to me, and two is, I'm going to stop you, because you're doing this to me. So like life is happening to me and I'm powerless to you're happening to me, and that's no longer going to be the case, like I need to win and you need to lose. That's an either or binary kind of situation, the blinders have gone on. There's no choice here. There's just right or wrong, right. When we get into your energetic profile, those two can be present, and this is more how life is normally going for you. So it's like, this is your general color palette, or mix of colors, the colors that go into the lenses that you perceive. And then when stress happens, we scored in a whole bunch of red and or gray, depending on which level shows up. So that's the dynamic what I see in your chart. And so I'm going to touch on a little bit about, like the the general pattern that is common with this combination. And then we look at the different levels and how they may be showing up for you. I start with the what's called anabolic levels. So for everybody listening, a good precursor to this episode is the second episode of my podcast, which is about your more than your personality test. So this one, so we're talking about the catabolic levels, which is that stress response, so breaking down, limiting, reducing, constricting. So we usually, in this debrief, talk about your more anabolic levels, the ones where we're releasing the catabolic energy. We're starting to build, we're starting to to expand. I emphasize that none of these levels are good or bad. They are all there for a reason, and they're showing up to support you the way that you know or have learned to support yourself. So it's not necessarily good to be more level seven, sometimes that can show a disassociation with reality, honestly. Okay, so because level seven is is more like your meditative state, okay, more access to it can help you access the other levels more consciously. But we don't reside there as human beings in human bodies, so it's not a good or bad thing. This isn't about who you are. It's how you're experiencing life right now and the lens that you're perceiving the world through. Okay, so any questions at this point?

Client: 14:13

No, this is great. I think I just I pulled up my chart. I don't know what I'm saying. Tired. Go figure. I'm just really interested to see what you have to say about this.

Valerie Friedlander: 14:25

Okay, so the overarching pattern that I see within your profile, and just to explain so your primary is level four, and then you have three levels that are all the same percentages, okay? And you might be like, Well, what does that mean? They're all the same, so we give greater weight to the more catabolic energies. So the and I hate to say lower energies, because I think that gives a negative connotation, which again, plays into the catabolic stuff. But the more constricted energies are, what we give more weight to, because that tends to pull your focus. So when you have percentages that are all the same, we're going to look at the ones that are the lower levels. So we've got one, two and six all have the same percentages. So I would say your secondary is level one, your tertiary is level two, and then your worthy area. I don't actually know the word for that. It is level six. What that shows me is that you have three top levels that are very emotional. Even numbers tend to be more emotional, and your odd numbers tend to be more logical. So when we think of and I'm gonna run through the levels just real quick, for folks who are listening, level one is, I'm a victim. Life's happening to me. I am powerless. Level two is, I win, you lose. So for me to be okay, you have to lose. It's like your fight response. Level three is when you start to come out of that circle of self into more of a circle self mastery. This is where you start to release the catabolic energy through rationalization. It's I win, but hopefully you do too. So it doesn't have to be an either or situation. You're like, I'm gonna find a way to be okay. I do me. You do you. I can find the silver lining. I can make lemonade out of lemons. So that whole thing is level three, and it involves a lot of that rationalization, brain power, figure it out, tolerate it. All of that. Level four is you win. So I'm going to focus on caring for you. I'm going to give to you. I find with a lot of people, I work with people pleasers, stuff with fawn response can be a lot in level four. So instead of just I'm being of service, it is, I'm going to take care of you so that you take care of me. And when that doesn't happen, level one or level two will activate. So this is, I'm focused on, you, you're you winning is my win. But again, this is where it can get a murky. Level five is where we get to the Win. Win. We both win, or we don't play. This is the level of opportunity. Everything is an opportunity, whether it's something I wanted or something I didn't want, it's all an opportunity. Again. This is like, if you think of accounting, this is like, where you can make everything make sense. It all comes together. I There's a lot of logic. I call it the scientist level, level six. We're heading into the circle self transcendence, and this is where we always win, just playing the game we win. So it's not a you know, either we like we either we both win or we don't play. It's by playing we always win, right? And so funny that one two and six, I got to say one, because they all feel so opposite of each other. So it's not necessarily the that they're opposite, it's that they're interacting. And so this is what I like to emphasize, even though I'm going to go through each level individually, so that you understand the level, understanding how they interact shows you the pattern of how it's playing in your life. So that's what we're really looking for, is the patterns. So what's the pattern that's working for you right now? And it may be a pattern that's working for you, and may be like, You know what? Actually that pattern, it's working, but it's not working right? Like, not always Is it working the way you want it to be working. But when you can understand how it's working, then you can go, Well, this is where it's showing up, and this is what I want to try. Well maybe, what would it look like if I brought a little more level five in? It's almost like going to the optometrist and be like, does this look clear, or this one, this one, or this one, so you can kind of play with it and and essentially use your imagination and your creativity to explore other options that might not have seemed as available to you because you didn't understand what your pattern was. Now, I know my pattern. I know that this level is playing. What would it look like if this other level showed up? What? What would it look like if I brought it forward, and then you're using that imagination to explore it and go, Well, you know, if this level showed up, then this could happen. Well, what could I do to explore that in a way that would feel safe. So especially if level one is active, it may be, what do I need to care for myself because my level one is active instead of, this is true. This is what's real. Oh, I recognize this pattern. What supports me when I'm feeling this way, right? So there it takes some. The judgment out I have noticed, yeah, so to look at that for you, we are seeing the four and one playing together, which, again, that tends to show me that you care very deeply about people and that you may take on things as your responsibility that aren't actually your responsibility. And so it creates a sense of powerlessness, because you want to help, you want to be there for people. There's a deep importance. And then there's also a viewpoint that something is broken, or someone is broken, and that something is wrong, and if you can't do something about it, especially if it's not yours to do something about it, creates a sense of powerlessness that can feel kind of like a vortex. Okay, the amount of Level Two suggests that part of how you may be pulling yourself out of that vortex is by blaming the other person or the situation and using your anger to keep your yourself going, right? Because that level, level two is like a burst of energy. You can motivate yourself with level two, it has a lot of power to get ish done.

Client: 21:15

Yeah, I've definitely, I'm guess I'm anger to start a lot of things, and then I haven't been able to sustain it, obviously, yeah, like, nothing can sustain on anger. And so things will fall out, fizzle out, and then I'm back to one where I'm just like, Oh, I'm not good at anything. Nothing works out, right? And then when I get angry enough, and then I'll start over,

Valerie Friedlander: 21:40

Yeah. And tell me if this is is accurate, but part of where your anger may come from is either for someone else's situation or in order to, like, help somebody. Like, there's an injustice, there's something that isn't happening, and so that's what fuels your anger to do something.

Client: 22:01

My god, yes, yeah. It's like, you know, someone else isn't insulted, and I'm more angry than the person who got insulted, and I'm getting better at being like if they're not bothered. Why are you like, you know, but it's hard,

Valerie Friedlander: 22:17

Yeah. So that is common with those level dynamics, because what you're used to right now is motivating yourself through that fight response, and rather than rejuvenating yourself, you use that fight response for someone else that level four I'm caring for you to burst energy, but that energy can't sustain, and so then you're tired, but then you have a story about why you're tired and what's wrong with you that you're tired.

Client: 22:54

Yep.

Valerie Friedlander: 22:56

Okay, so that makes sense with this patterning, with six being your next, basically what I see, what's common with the four six is that your energy is being held back by the more catabolic energies. Okay, okay, so four six is actually not, I mean, it's not, not common, but it, it basically says that you really want to be resonating more in that heart connective space, yeah, but the those other energy levels are pulling you down so that it's really hard to be in that space.

Client: 23:37

Yes, I feel this. Okay. What do I do about it?

Valerie Friedlander: 23:41

So, so we're gonna take, we're gonna take a look a little bit about, like, exactly how that's playing, so that you have a better understanding. And the goal of this assessment is that you can see the patterns, okay, so that you can then use the tool of the levels to explore, okay. How do I show up differently? And then, of course, this is what I use when I work with people. When I'm coaching with people, we hold that space in this awareness so that I'm essentially coaching the energy versus telling you what to do, it's helping you utilize that tool and also holding space for okay. I recognize that this is that pattern. What could we do to expand level three? Level three is kind of how we pull out of like, we release the catabolic energy. So essentially, kind of like what you just described, actually, they're not this angry wiring. And so taking it further to what would help you release that anger? It's really easy when we're used to or really common when we're used to using that anger to motivate you don't necessarily want to release the anger. I need this anger. This is helpful. What will I do if I. Don't have it, and so finding where you can harness energy differently, and this may point to that too, because that level six is part of where you get energy. So I'm gonna just go through real quick, because this is a kind of an abbreviated version, so I'm going to go through each level real quick for you, and I'll ask a few questions within it. So if we go to level three, which is lower for you, level three, what I see here is that you try to choose how you react to situations. You look for the good aspects of a person or situation, you strive to accept other people as they are without trying to change them. And one of the things I pick up with this is that you found it to be a slippery slope, because when you are striving to accept other people without trying to change them, sometimes that means letting them get away with unacceptable behavior,

Client: 26:03

right,

Valerie Friedlander: 26:04

that you then beat yourself up for allowing

Client: 26:06

Yeah,

Valerie Friedlander: 26:08

Okay, so what this emphasizes to me is that boundary work may be helpful, because with level four, there's a lot of compassion for people. You've learned to block people who would take advantage of that with anger, and that helps you hold a boundary. So working on boundary work such that you don't have to use that level of energy to hold the boundary, that there's more ability to to allow people to either win or not win, and that's okay, without feeling responsible for them winning or losing or in their feelings. Okay, how does that hit? For you?

Client: 27:05

It resonates. I feel like that applies heavily. A lot of my anger and boundaries is around family, right? And so it's just like, well, if they're not going to fight for themselves, Well, you know, why am I going to hold on to it. And then also, I don't know it's, it's like, one of those things of like, do I confront this person and have an unproductive conversation where I know I'm going to be stressed out and just frustrated afterwards? Or do I just set the boundary and, like, walk away, and it is what it is, you know? So I feel that, yeah, I think the boundaries are through anger and they are draining, you know, because it's like I have to not say anything. Will not have to, I choose to not say anything for it to be less of a drain.

Valerie Friedlander: 27:54

Yes, yeah. So, so boundaries and loving detachment are the two things that come to mind with this is that it's the ability to tap into some of the level five and six, which is trusting that everything works out the way it needs to. You know, kind of the bless and release. Emphasis on the bless How do I bless them? You know, whatever that means for you to trust that the universe will care for them the way they need, and that you are there when they are ready to hear something different.

Client: 28:36

Yeah,

Valerie Friedlander: 28:38

So that you retain that energy. But that's that level a lot of that is level three. Of this is bad, what they're doing is bad. What they're doing is wrong. What they're doing is hurting them, what they're doing, whatever story you are telling about what they're doing, to be able to say and that is theirs, right? Yeah, and I can love them without trying to manage that for them, which is hard. So that's, that's where the work is, is that switch up? We haven't gone to those levels yet, so, but that's level three is, is that like, ultimately, I have to take care of me. I wish you well. I hope the best for you. Right now you're using level two, because it feels like an attack, because of how deeply you care about people. So level four, what I see for you here, and this is your primary you feel great when you can help someone overcome a problem. And people tend to come to you with their problems. When they do, you are more concerned with how you can help them than what they can do for you. It may feel safer to give than to receive. It may also feel more accessible to give than to receive. Because I'm getting the impression, correct me, if I'm wrong, that a lot of the people that come to you, you don't actually think, have the. Capacity to give to you, okay, so that, and then you care deeply and feel the need to fix problems that you see. I'm curious, when do you feel frustrated if you can't help some or, you know what? Let me rephrase that, when do you not feel frustrated when you can't help someone,

Client: 30:24

Oh, when they seem to have a plan or something of their own figured out, like, no, they're not just still hanging hanging on, you know?

Valerie Friedlander: 30:39

And I would imagine that's when they have a plan that you trust, that makes sense to you.

Client: 30:46

Yes, I would say on my more unhealed days, when my ego is not, you know, driving the car, it's like, okay, they have a plan, like they're good, they're not in crisis mode anymore. They're not panicking like it's fine. That feels good on days where my ego is in the driver's seat, the plan has to make sense to me, or to be like, okay, yes, this is actually going to solve the problem. They're not going to be coming back to me for the same shit in a couple of weeks.

Valerie Friedlander: 31:20

And I would highlight with that, especially just that, that terminology the ego, so that sense of self, the circle of self is, is where we think of the ego being okay, but this is a threatened ego. This is a an ego that feels dan... in danger. So what that often indicates is that there is some danger that you experience by them not being well or having what they need, like it somehow feels threatening to you.

Client: 31:52

I think, because it's exhausting, right, like when You have that person that's constantly in need, and it seems to me as if they're not helping themselves. It becomes because, like you want to be there for them, but they're in their cycle or their spiral, and you know, you can only spiral this one for so long.

Valerie Friedlander: 32:17

How much are they asking you for help when that's the case?

Client: 32:20

Um, I think that is usually the ask of, like, energy and time of someone, just like, they want to vent or rant and they don't necessarily want a solution or to brainstorm problem solving, which sounds terrible, but it's also like, I, like, I can't, I don't have an hour all the time to sit here and be like, yeah. Like, that sucks. Like, yeah, that's terrible. You know, it's like, okay, well, we can do about this. Like, how can we turn this around and move on, or move forward, or whatever, yeah, or maybe selling a terrible

Valerie Friedlander: 33:02

No no, because it's it is about having those boundaries and being clear on what your energetic capacity is. Because if you have a reduced energetic capacity, and you have someone who needs that kind of space, this is that slippery slope for level four is that oftentimes, when the focus is on caring for other people, you're not necessarily clear on what your capacity is, and so you will go over your capacity without realizing it. And then you're running on empty. And then naturally, you're in self preservation mode, which is one and two.

Client: 33:39

Okay.

Valerie Friedlander: 33:40

And so that helps protect you from I'm now at zero. My gas tank is empty. I have poured all the everything out and and just like being hungry or tired or whatever, like when our bodies are depleted, we are much more vigilant towards potential danger, because we are much more vulnerable when we are in that kind of state. So it makes sense to be in a protective space where you would have your ego get in the driver's seat, as it were, because that's what you need to protect yourself when you're at you've reached capacity, so having an awareness of your capacity so you can allocate space for the things that are important to you. So if it is important to you that you're giving space now, then again, it can also be when somebody's coming to you and they're constantly complaining about things and not actually doing anything. This is where a boundary comes in. And I care about you. I have listened and I'm willing to support you doing a thing I can't continue to listen to the same thing over and over again.

Client: 34:57

Yeah.

Valerie Friedlander: 35:00

But I'm here when you're ready to do something right that takes a lot of again, that's more of that level three or even level five, you can say, I'm not going to enable you to keep spinning. That's level five, like I need to take care of me, and by removing myself from this spinning that you're doing, I'm not going to participate. So hopefully you will realize that you need to do something about it, right? So that can be a level five approach versus a level three approach, where it's like, I just need to like,

Client: 35:29

Yeah.

Valerie Friedlander: 35:32

right. So, so that would be the difference. And this is where bringing those levels in, instead of the level right now, you're using level two to fend them, because you will four until you're depleted, and then two has to take over. Does that...

Client: 35:51

Sounds right.

Valerie Friedlander: 35:52

Okay, yeah, so, okay, level five, which is you believe that there is a real purpose to life, and that everything has a place and is here for a reason. You make the most out of every opportunity presented, whether it is positive or negative. What I'm curious about at this level, what does it mean to you for everything to work out for the best?

Client: 36:22

Oh, it's kind of like that sentiment of like, you know what's meant for you will come to you. I don't know if, honestly, it's probably just something I tell myself to get on to the next thing you know, you hear it enough, and you're just like, okay, yeah, I really wanted XYZ to work out, and it didn't. But maybe that's for the best. Like, it has to be for the best, because to think anything else would just it doesn't help anything, right? It would just drain your energy. Versus, like, Okay, you're like, Okay, if that wasn't meant for me. Like, move on to the next thing. You just kind of keep going moving forward versus the spiral.

Valerie Friedlander: 37:04

What would it look like for you to apply that? Because it sounds like when you when you're applying that, you're applying it to something that's happening to you, a situation that you're navigating. What would it look like to apply that to these people?

Client: 37:21

I don't know, because when you're going through something and you're complaining to someone, if they're just like, oh, everything happens for the best, you'd want to punch them in the face. Like, I feel like I would want to punch

Valerie Friedlander: 37:29

So it's not saying that to them. Yes, that's someone. true and that, you know, I mean, there's a lot of stuff there. There's like, the toxic positivity and all of that sort of thing, um. I mean, that's like a whole podcast episode. I think I might even have some on that. But, um, but for you in terms of being able to protect your energetic capacity, if you were able to trust that whatever needs to happen for them is going to happen like basically apply what you just applied for yourself to them, not necessarily saying it to them, but energetically for you. What would that look like?

Client: 38:22

I think that'd be very helpful. I think sometimes I will try to, like, have them come to that realization on their own by asking them certain questions, right? Just being like, well, like, what were you excited about? What were you worried about when it came to this thing? Or, like, oh, it seemed like this is not something that you really wanted. It's like, you know, don't be so upset about it. Without saying that, of course, I'm just like, oh, well, now you have more time to do this other thing that they may have mentioned, right? It's just a different level of mental gymnastics, really.

Valerie Friedlander: 39:00

So what I heard you do there was you want them to do it first.

Client: 39:09

Right. So I'm not the one who's like, oh, maybe it's for the best.

Valerie Friedlander: 39:14

Yeah, well, no, but I don't even mean that, like we're not even talking about saying it to them. You want them to come to the realization so you can let go of the responsibility. If they don't come to it first, you feel a responsibility to continue holding them.

Client: 39:31

Yes.

Valerie Friedlander: 39:33

Okay, so the invitation here is with your thing you are able to put it down. You What would it take for you to put them down?

Client: 39:50

I don't know. Like, they're your friends or your family. Like, aren't you supposed to, like, carry them until they can stand?

Valerie Friedlander: 39:59

Not if carrying them is keeping them from learning what they need to learn, and depleting you and your ability to carry your things and other people who are looking for the support you have to offer.

Client: 40:19

Do you have the answer? I don't know.

Valerie Friedlander: 40:23

So some of it may be practice. And this is, this is again, where the invitation is to look at, to notice when it's happening, and in that moment, because it's hard to do when you're not in the moment, but in that moment, think of this conversation, and think what would it looked like if I trusted that, regardless of whether they can see it right now, the universe will carry them. I don't have to.

Client: 40:49

I love it. What would Valerie do? Got it? I'm kidding.

Valerie Friedlander: 40:57

I've had clients say they need a wristband that says that. And I'm like, that's on you. You can make that not I'm not putting that one.

Client: 41:05

No, but I still, I do like that, that POV, or that permission, right? Of just being like, okay, like, they'll be fine. And also, it's not all on me. It's all like, I'm not the only person in the world that they're talking to. You know what I mean? Like, calm down, dude. Like,

Valerie Friedlander: 41:27

Yeah, well, it's it. It is, again, that. And you've even said you're willing to help when there is something to do, when they're actually willing to take action to change the circumstances, what you're running out of capacity for is listening to them,

Client: 41:44

Right.

Valerie Friedlander: 41:45

Listening to them level one. So to be able to say, I'm you will spend just fine without me also spinning with you. I don't need to join you in this.

Client: 42:00

Yeah.

Valerie Friedlander: 42:01

So it's just, it's an exploration. So it's not even necessarily to say to do something different. It's just to take a moment to when you're in it, to reflect on what that might look like and see what comes forward. So that's something that can happen in coaching, is that we'll look at that and we'll set an experiment, essentially to see, well, what would it look like to try this and see what happens? Because oftentimes this sort of thing is rooted in a sense of safety. When you were younger, at some point, you felt like you were responsible for somebody else's feelings, someone who would care for you. So if you couldn't care for them, then they wouldn't be able to care for you, or you wouldn't be carefull-a-bull.

Client: 42:45

Yeah.

Valerie Friedlander: 42:46

And that feels unsafe, so it has to do often, with a sense, like a deep sense of unsafety. If I don't continue caring for this person in this way, if I put them down, they'll leave me.

Client: 43:01

Right.

Valerie Friedlander: 43:02

They'll, you know, some sort of story about what will happen and and it can feel a real sense of danger, which is where your survival mode kicks in, level one, level two, to protect you from that danger.

Client: 43:15

This is awesome. I think just the awareness alone, you know, it's a huge shift, because, like, you know you're tired and you know you're annoyed at things, but to be like, Okay, what specifically is draining you and what in that moment?

Valerie Friedlander: 43:30

Yeah, and even just noticing it sometimes can take its power to be like, Oh, this is that pattern. So we'll move to level six. Level six, you feel a connection to everyone and everything and experience a synergy working with others that is highly motivating and sparks your creative and intuitive ability to make things happen. You are living a powerful, purposeful life, and those closest to you are part of you and help create and shape who you are.

Client: 43:58

Bomb

Valerie Friedlander: 43:59

Where does that show up for you? When do you feel that?

Client: 44:04

Um, when I'm like, It's gonna sound so absurd, honestly, like in my DMs, in these communities that I'm in, because when I'm sharing my work and people are responding to it, or we're talking to a response, conversation, engagement, connection. It feels very aligned and very fulfilling. Talking to my husband about the things that I'm working on, like his excitement around it, or like just his support, is very fulfilling.

Valerie Friedlander: 44:37

Okay, so I'm in the interest of time, given this is podcast length, it's the reason I usually do these sessions is 90 minutes, because I love to just, like, really dig in. So we can always talk more afterwards. But I'm going to touch on level seven. We're not going to explore it very much, because, again, this is one that we like tap into, but we don't really stay there with level seven. This resonates for you in a you are obviously passionate about what you do. You're a creator and a visionary filled with a sense of love and appreciation for your place in life. You create your life in each moment. We often hit on these in moments, often in a creative moment, but it could be, you know, the stop and smell the flowers and that space where you're just like in the awe of the of the world and creation. So it's not necessarily a space that we stay in all the time. So based on all of this, the pattern that I see that is serving you, that's working for you is that you are connected to a creative flow and an intuitive sense of what you want to create. Others come to you, and whether they are joyful or struggling. Working together, you experience a synergy that enhances the creative experience. You feel a sense of purposefulness in the process, but particularly so when you learn that the experience you were part of helped someone overcome a struggle they were having.

Client: 46:09

Yes, absolutely.

Valerie Friedlander: 46:11

So that is where I see, is really where you're shining right now? Well, it's working well for you, is when you tap into that.

Client: 46:19

Yeah.

Valerie Friedlander: 46:20

Okay, so shall we? I know we've hit a little bit on the places that are stuck, because they all play together, right? Like they're all there. I honed into a few places where that catabolic energy is really standing out. So I will go over those patterns and and then we'll take a look at that. So what I see for you is that you feel a heavy sense of responsibility and feel very disappointed when things don't go your way, especially when it comes to helping others, there may be some guilt or fear of letting people down, and some stories around what it means about you if you let people down, which creates a pressure to be right so you don't let people down. You may replay events over and over, wishing you'd acted differently. It's a essentially acts as a way to punish yourself, which naturally leads you to avoid making decisions when you're uncertain for fear of the pain of being wrong or disappointed that you know you do to yourself, and it's kind of like again, like I said, the a way of punishing yourself for not getting it right, or disappointing somebody. You maintain high expectations and hold on to hurts to try and protect yourself from people taking advantage of you. You may feel guilty for having boundaries when you get hurt. You beat yourself up for not protecting yourself better, or for not working hard enough when you don't get what you want. What stands out to you about that?

Client: 47:52

All of it? Hi, it's me. I don't know why you have to read me like that, Valerie.

Valerie Friedlander: 47:58

Yeah, so this is not just you common with the dynamics that are in your chart. The cool thing about this is it's not who you are. Is one of the reasons I love this assessment is it's not saying this is your personality, this is the way you are, who you are. This is the way your lens is functioning right now that gets you caught. So these are the patterns. Patterns can be changed when we understand the pattern, we can notice where it's showing up, when it's showing up, and recognize that it is not you, it's not who you are. It is a pattern that you learned that served you for some reason. And again, a lot of this is self protection. So the heavy sense of responsibility often comes from a need to protect yourself. So to be right, we learn the tool of shame to keep ourselves in order, because that's what was used on us as kids to keep us in order. So whatever that order is, so we shame ourselves to prevent ourselves from making the same mistake again, without really understanding why we did the thing that may not have actually been a mistake. It may have been a thing that was done for a reason that just didn't work the way we were conditioned to think it would.

Client: 49:28

Yeah.

Valerie Friedlander: 49:30

So maintaining those high expectations, again, that's a way of utilizing your fight response to protect yourself from the energy depletion that happens when you feel that weight of responsibility. So both helps you hold the weight of responsibility, beat yourself up when you so called drop that responsibility, or keeps you able you know that cortisol, adrenaline, you. Uh, you know, if you're holding up a car, you need that fight energy, you need that adrenaline and cortisol to to keep the person from under it, from getting squashed, and it helps you continue to hold it, because it feels like it's your responsibility to hold it, except the other person isn't crawling out from under the car.

Client: 50:20

Yeah.

Valerie Friedlander: 50:22

So there's a utility to there. So then it can be, well, how true is it that they're going to get squished if I put this car down, what resources do I need to be able to put the car down? Maybe it's finding blocks that go, you know, hey, can you send some blocks over? We'll put the car on some blocks, and then I can put it down. So it's understanding what the pattern is and then finding a way to support yourself as you shift it. So what do you think about giving this pattern a name?

Client: 50:56

Oh.

Valerie Friedlander: 50:58

so if we said, you know this pattern is, you feel a heavy sense of responsibility. Feel guilty about being tired and not wanting to carry that responsibility, fear of letting people down, and what it means about you if you let people down when you do, replaying events over and over, wishing you'd acted differently, to punish yourself, to push yourself to not do that again. So you keep holding that rate of responsibility and maintaining high expectations and holding on to hurt, to prevent other people from also having you hold them up, but then you feel guilty for saying no to that, and beat yourself up for not doing better and being able to hold up all the cars. I'm tired just listening to you describe. So what do you want to call that?

Client: 51:56

I would call that, Debbie.

Valerie Friedlander: 51:58

Sorry to any Debbie listening.

Client: 52:01

Debbie Downer. I feel like it's a downer, right?

Valerie Friedlander: 52:05

That's true. Yeah, yeah. All right, so this is Debbie. We we name the pattern so that we separate it from yourself, kind of like when we talk about inner critics, we give the inner critic a separate identity. We recognize that the inner critic is there to protect us. This Debbie. Debbie Downer is there to help you, but she's not really doing a very good job. Um, when you can notice when Debbie has shown up, you can look at where is the help that you are needing? What is she there to do?

Client: 52:36

Right.

Valerie Friedlander: 52:38

And is that really what you want her to be doing?

Client: 52:43

Put down the car.

Valerie Friedlander: 52:44

Debbie, yeah. And so then it's taking some of those other levels and exploring them a little bit, including, all right, let's explore level three. Sometimes we can't get to level five, but sometimes level five feels more accessible. It's really what makes the most sense for you, if you can tap into this universal energy, and I get the sense a lot of people, I would tend to go to level three of like, all right, how do we release the catabolic energy that may be that rationalization, and you may use that sometimes, I do wonder if you might find it easier, since you use level five for yourself, It sounds like that trust in the universe, that connectedness that you feel because level six is so strong for you, and it's right between four and six, right? So I wonder if that would be more accessible.

Client: 53:33

I think for no just because I've been working like, I've been reading a lot about spirituality and just kind of like getting into that mindfulness and being present and releasing control type vibes, Debbie vibes. So, yeah,

Valerie Friedlander: 53:48

Okay, so on a scale of one to 10, how interested are you in releasing Debbie from her job? Find it finding out Debbie replacement? One being not interested 10 being, like 100% totally interested.

Client: 54:03

Probably like an eight, 8.8

Valerie Friedlander: 54:07

Yeah.

Client: 54:08

What makes it not a seven? Because, like, I don't like her enough to keep her at a seven.

Valerie Friedlander: 54:21

Gotcha. What makes it not a nine?

Client: 54:24

It's a safety it's like you were saying, right? Like, this is something that she's here to help keep me safe. So it's like, okay, well, yeah,

Valerie Friedlander: 54:37

Yeah. So that's important to look at so that you know you can explore. Is there another way to feel safe?

Client: 54:47

Yeah.

Valerie Friedlander: 54:49

Right, because that's where the gap is between letting Debbie go. Is finding those ways of what what will help you feel safe?

Client: 55:00

Right.

Valerie Friedlander: 55:02

And maybe it's a different way of thinking about it, and maybe it's a strategic thing. It just depends on the situation. But only once you are noticing where she's showing up will you be able to notice, okay, this is what I want to try to see if I can cultivate a sense of safety here and what, or even I'm going to try this and see what happens, because this risk seems rather low to put that one down.

Client: 55:22

I love this because it touches on so many things, right? Like, I've I've identified that the people pleaser in me is the response like a worthiness boon, and my need to, like, solve people's problems and go above and beyond is because I feel like they won't care about me or won't be friends with me if I'm not giving them something or not providing value to them. And so being able to be like, Yeah, that sucks, and not do anything for them, and step away and still have a connection or a friendship, or, you know, whatever it may be, like, that's the fear, right? Like, that's the like, oh, like, if I'm not, if I'm not doing, then what are they getting? Then why will they like? What will keep them coming around? You know? So,

Valerie Friedlander: 56:11

Yeah.

Client: 56:12

Yeah. I was not expecting all of this insight on this Monday, but this is great.

Valerie Friedlander: 56:18

Happy Monday. Yeah. Awesome. All right, well, so that is the debrief. And then what I will generally do with folks is send them the recording for them to download. I don't do anything with it, except this time I will, because we agreed on that. Sometimes people just do this as a standalone sometimes they say they want to keep working. Sometimes they get it as part of a package, and then we go from there with coaching around it to actually work on those specific things where this is showing up and whatever their goals were for coaching.

Client: 56:51

Amazing.

Valerie Friedlander: 56:53

That's what it looks like. Thank you so much. It is such a pleasure to support you with this one.

Client: 56:59

Thank you, this was great.

Valerie Friedlander: 57:01

I hope this conversation gave you a deeper sense of what's possible when we understand our own energy patterns. If you're feeling curious about your own results, don't forget, I'm offering $150 off the energy leadership index assessment and debrief through April 30 or until I reach capacity. Whichever comes first, the assessment is normally $345, and includes a 90 minute consult with me, plus the follow up discount if you'd like continued coaching support in a follow up a few months after the debrief, you just heard this client shared she feels more steady in her path and has more patience. The stressors in her life haven't gone away, but they don't knock her off course the way they used to. These are challenging times, and I believe tools like this can help us show up more clearly, calmly and in alignment with who we really want to be and what we want to create in the world. You can use the code April Eli to book, and the link is in the show notes, as always, please feel free to reach out if you have any questions, any comments, thoughts, things you'd like to explore further. I love to hear from you. You can send me an email. There is a link in the show notes to send me a text, or you can also put a note on the episode. I love to hear from you, and I will talk to you all next time.