EP 264: Responding to the Judgement and Advice from Others

Parenting kids with big, baffling behaviors is hard enough. THEN someone has opinions about it. This episode breaks down why people say the things they say, what's actually happening in you when judgment lands, and how to respond- or not respond- in a way that protects your own regulation.

In this episode:

• Why unsolicited advice and criticism are almost always a projection from the other person's protection brain 
• How to recognize when explaining yourself won't actually help 
• Practical ways to respond to judgment

Scripts

• "Thank you. I'm comfortable with our parenting decisions."
• "I hear you. I need to tend to my child right now."

Neutral / Redirect

• "We've got it covered, thanks."
• "We have a lot of support around this."
• "I have people I go to for that."
• "That's not something I'm looking for input on."
• "We're working with someone on it."

Warmer with a Clear Boundary

• "I appreciate that you care. We're good."
• "Thanks for thinking of us — we've got support."

Confident / Firmer

• "I'm not looking for advice, but thank you."
• "That's not actually something I'm open to feedback on."
• "We're pretty settled on how we're handling it."
• "I'm not going to take that in, but I hear you."

For the chronic offender

• "We've talked about this- we're not changing course."
• "I've let you know this isn't something I want input on."

The subject-change version

• "Mmm. Anyway…" (and move on)
• "Noted." (full stop)

Read the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/judgement

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:39

So when your kid's behavior is baffling and yours is too, sometimes, yeah. I know. Let's take a break from all the baboozle here on the baffling behavior. Hey everybody, welcome. Welcome back to another episode here on the Baffling Behavior Show. I'm your host, Robin Gobel. Today we're gonna talk about how do we respond to folks, and we're gonna assume that they're well-meaning and intending to be helpful. How do we respond to folks who have unsolicited advice, opinions, judgment, criticism about our parenting, our family, our kids, our values? Because y'all know that there's something about parenting that leaves folks feeling a lot of entitlement to make comments and give advice that wasn't even asked for. This can be from people that you know, you know, like when you get together for a family gathering, or you see a cousin that you haven't seen in a while, or maybe you like your sister or your brother who you do see regularly and have a close relationship with. Maybe it's a stranger, like at their grocery store. Maybe it's one of your child's teachers or daycare workers or somebody who supports you in caring for your kid in some way, even like a Sunday school teacher or a coach, something like that. You know, there are so many very challenging, very lonely and isolating parts about parenting kids with really vulnerable nervous systems. You know, our kids with these big, baffling, confusing behaviors. You're exhausted already. You're looking maybe for connection or at least maybe just some peace. And then somebody says something, and it can be extra hurtful if you weren't even expecting it. Like it feels like it comes out of nowhere. So, what we're gonna talk about today are why people do that. What actually is happening in you when that happens? And then let's get really practical about things you can say in reply. I know that when we are even mildly dysregulated, right? Once our owl brain has kind of started to fly away or it's working on flying away, it can be really hard to remember what to say. And I also know that when I'm mildly dysregulated or a little bit more mildly dysregulated, sometimes what I want to say comes out unnecessarily harsh. And the reality is that, you know, you get a lot more mileage when you can set a really solid boundary from connection mode. So we don't have to like sugarcoat things or dance around things. But generally speaking, boundaries are better set and easier to uh enforce if we can set them from connection mode. Again, that doesn't mean being like kind and sweet, it just means not being dysregulated. So having some scripts can be really helpful in that, in kind of staying in connection mode and feeling like you know what to say. So that's what we'll wrap the episode up with today was some actual scripts. Now y'all know that I say really regularly that the vast majority of our kids' behaviors are actually not personal. They feel really personal without question. Without question. But they're not personal. And what I what I mean by that is that your kids' behaviors are about what's happening for them internally in their own nervous system and what their nervous system and brain and mind believe is the next best behavior for them that's going to keep them the most safe based on how they're neurosaving their own safety or danger, and based on all of the experiences that have happened to them in the past. The same thing is true about humans in general. Very, very little of other people's behavior has anything actually to do with us. Sure, like we may have been there and they're like responding to something we did or said or something they saw, but their behavior, their reaction, the things that they say, it is all about what's happening for them internally. And oftentimes when people are giving unsolicited advice and having judgment, they're actually making kind of a projection. Like they're having their own experience and projecting that onto you. So they're maybe feeling some shame about a time something similar happened to them. And so then they project that onto you and give you some advice that, from their perspective, might be intended to help you from feeling the shame that they felt. That's just one example. But you know, we talk so much about how we're all just reacting to our own unique subjective reality, right? We've talked about this, we talk about this mostly, I guess, in regards to your kids. Like, think about the All Behavior Makes Sense episode. I think it's episode 198, but I'll double check that. I'll get it in the show notes. I have an infographic on all of that neuroscience as well, about where behavior comes from. And so much of behavior is about what that person has experienced in the past and what they think is about to happen in the future. And so, as people are reacting to you or making comments to you, it is emerging from their own past experiences. When someone says something like, your child's just manipulating you, possibly what's happening is that they're really terrified of being manipulated themselves. Or they've had experiences that have been very painful in which they did experience feeling manipulated. There is actually this sense of trying to help you, but they have actually no idea really what to say. And that is still sort of combined with what they're really trying to help is themselves and how like uncomfortable they'll they're feeling, and they're trying to, you know, get some space from that and how uncomfortable they're actually feeling. Almost always unsolicited advice that's judgmental or critical is going to be coming from a nervous system in protection mode. It's coming from that person's state of fear, not from their wisdom or their care or their compassion. Generally speaking, have I said that several times already now? Generally speaking, when folks do want to offer something helpful because they care about you, there's some way that they kind of are asking for consent first. Sometimes people ask for it explicitly. Like, hey, I've been noticing a few things that I thought might be helpful reflections regarding kind of what I've seen with you and your kiddo. Are you interested in hearing any of that? Like some people really actually say things like that, like very explicitly ask for consent. Sometimes it's a little more implicit or it's based on the relationship. Um, and but there is kind of some sense of having permission. That's a good sign that what that person is saying is coming from connection mode, especially because if someone's asking your permission, you should be able to say, no, not thank you, or no, no, thank you, or not right now, right? Something like that. But for the most part, people aren't doing that. They're not asking for consent, they're just giving you their unsolicited opinions. And yeah, that's often coming from protection mode. And of course, protection mode brains, right? They lose curiosity, they lose capacity to see nuance, things get rigid and black and white. You know, we knew we lose so much nuance when we shift into protection mode. We think we're certain. And so we approach things with our, you know, well-meaning, perhaps, certainty about how something should be different. But when we approach something from connection mode, it's with a lot of curiosity and a lot of, well, maybe's or I'm wondering ifs. And sometimes those are explicitly stated, but sometimes just kind of the spirit of things, right? So you can kind of tell if somebody is coming to you from a space of connection mode or protection mode. And again, when somebody comes to you from connection mode, you're either gonna be more open to hearing their thoughts, or you're gonna be able to, you're gonna feel really empowered and safe to set a boundary and say no. And then they're gonna say, okay. You know, when folks are genuinely curious, they don't offer criticism. They ask for questions like, what could I do to help? This seems like it's really hard for you. Is there anything I could do to be supportive? Things like that. And I'm sure you've learned that if someone's not coming to you with curiosity, they're not actually really open to hearing what you have to say. So trying to explain yourself to them isn't useful. And it often ends up kind of coming out and maybe even feeling like making excuses. And then everybody's in protection mode. And now all like true relational connection engagement has stopped. You know, even well-meaning, quote unquote, well-meaning judgment is still probably coming from a nervous system that's not feeling safe, is in protection mode, right? That person maybe is feeling scared for you. They're scared of the behavior, they're scared of something they don't understand, they're scared that they don't know how to help or that they don't know how to stop it. They're scared that something like that could happen in their own family. And, you know, understanding these things don't make it okay. It just helps us make sense. It's the same with our kids. Understanding their behavior doesn't make it okay. It helps it make sense so that we could stay more in connection mode, get less dysregulated, that's less exhausting for us. And then we're more capable of setting an actual compassionate and forcible boundary. We we're trying to do all that with our kids. And we could do this with families, friends, teachers, you know, people out there who are giving you advice about your kids and about your parenting. We can do the same thing, understand it so that we can stay in connection mode and then set a boundary. Now, of course, if somebody has criticism, judgment, or sometimes even worse, like clearly is being judgmental or critical, but is offering it like they're being very kind and helpful, right? So there's also like a mismatch happening there. When we're on the receiving end of that, of course, the first thing that's gonna happen is we are gonna have a little protection mode shift. Just like when our kids are in protection mode, we're gonna have a little protection mode shift. We tend to match nervous systems first. Then we can notice that we've made the shift. And if we can notice that we made the shift and we can notice what's happened for us, we might be able to shift back to connection mode. You know, judgment from others, you know, the clear expression of just totally really not getting it, not getting your family, not getting how hard things are for you, not being able to offer any help or support or resources. It's just one of those things that goes into making this parenting experience even more traumatic, right? We've we're parenting these really vulnerable kids who have behaviors that society has all these judgments about. They tell us about their judgments, but also nobody really has any great way to be truly supportive. They just want to pass judgment or offer advice that won't will not work for your kid. And you know that because you've tried all of it. So tracking what happens for you when on the receiving end of unsolicited judgment, unsolicited advice, criticism, tracking what happens for you is really important. So we can have an authentic reaction, notice it, offer ourselves compassion, shift back into connection mode. Does this sound familiar? Yes, this is exactly what we practice when responding to our kids who are in protection mode. And just like with your kids, I encourage you to notice like what comes up for you? What are the triggers for you? What is the meaning you're making out of things? And so when you get some unsolicited advice, do you have a sense of shame? Like, am I doing this wrong? Or I must be doing this wrong? Or do you end up feeling like rageful or angry with this? Like, how dare they thought or energy? Or do you collapse more into like that possum pathway and kind of deflate and say to yourself something like, oh my gosh, they're so right. Or do you find yourself getting kind of that urge to like explain or defend, which of course you do. That's perfectly normal. It's just unfortunately not typically super helpful because now both of y'all are in protection mode. And it's just a rare time when two people be in protection mode end up, you know, solving anything for real, right? Again, all of those responses make total and complete sense. You of course are gonna shift in to protection mode. Okay, so now let's talk about what to do. Like, what could you say in return that could be useful, kind, which doesn't mean you can't set a very firm boundary, right? You can be kind and set a very firm boundary. The truth is, is that generally speaking, like I said, if we can stay in connection mode and set a clear, solid boundary without, you know, being mean or being in protection mode or being judgmental back, the boundary tends to be more enforceable. You do not owe anyone an explanation of your parenting choices. And this is especially true if whoever that person is isn't coming to you with some curiosity or with a heart to be helpful or to ask, how could I support you? Wow, this looks like it must be really hard. How could I support you? I couldn't possibly understand what you're going through, but I would love for you to feel supported by me. What would that look like for you? Okay. That is somebody who's coming to you with such deep love and care and connection mode. But generally speaking, unsolicited judgment, advice, criticism is not coming from a place of curiosity. And explaining anything to them isn't going to be helpful, right? They are not open to hearing anything. There's no curiosity there. And they're not genuinely even interested in your explanation at that point, anyway. When I was a young adult, I participated in this youth performing arts uh activity called Drama Bugle Corps, and I was like 17. This probably felt like a big segue all of a sudden, but trust me, it's related. So I was, you know, an older teenager, a young adult, and Drama Beagle Corps is a competitive circuit. So we were touring the country and we were competing against other youth, you know, performing arts drama bugle course. And we were actually having a shocking to other people, uh successful competitive season. And because of this, probably because it was shocking, it was surprising to folks, because of this, we would sometimes be on the receiving end of folks saying not very nice things to us, other members of other organizations, sometimes the parents of the other youth in the organizations. And I learned such, I learned so many important life lessons from my participation in Drummal Buccalcor. But one of these things that I remember so clearly was our director telling us to respond in this way. He would say, you know, when somebody says something to you and it's not very kind, they're not being very, you know, supportive or good sportsmanship, they can say, thank you. You have a very nice drum core. And the point wasn't, of course, to be like performatively gracious, right? Of course, we were like, wow, thanks. Tell me more about what you have to say. It was really about politely disengaging without escalation. It was really about not like stooping to their level in a way. Now remember, we were kids, but I will never forget the spirit of like, thank you. You have a very nice drum core. It was really just about, you know, respond and move on. Do not engage, don't stoop to their level. I've actually found this to be such an important life lesson. I think about this a lot. Now, in parenting, that might sound like, thank you. I'm comfortable with our parenting decisions. Or I hear you and I need to go tend to my child right now. It's really going to depend on who this person is, your relationship, you know, what is happening at that moment. Does your child need tending to at that moment? There's going to be variables that impact how you respond, but overall, some sort of like polite acknowledgement that you heard what they have to say and that you need to go do something else now, or that you are confident in what you are doing and don't need their advice. Something that communicates that in some way. You absolutely have permission, depending on the situation, to just not respond at all. Like if somebody sends you a text or an email in particular, you don't have to respond. If I get a text or an email, and I get them, I get texts or an emails um like about the podcast, for example, like criticizing it. And sometimes people have valid feedback that is absolutely important to hear and receive. That's a totally different category of feedback. Sometimes people are just sending criticism, and uh we just delete them, y'all. Like I just I have so much to do every day, and my team has so much to do every day, and I have so many people who are depending on me. I just don't have the energy to read them. So yeah, give you permission to delete them, delete the texts, delete the, you know, the the emails. I can think of an email I got recently that had a whole lot of things in it that I really wanted to respond to emotionally. And I paused and I waited until the next day. And the next day I just sent a very clear, fact-based, bullet pointed email responding to the actual questions I were asked in the email as opposed to responding to the energy of it, the emotional, you know, I just disengaged from it. It wasn't necessary to respond. Like, how would that have ever even helped? Sometimes I feel like, oh my gosh, I had to make sure this person knows that what they said was so inappropriate or so unacceptable, or it landed so poorly. And I can feel this compulsion to be like, I have to make sure they know. But the reality is. Is I don't like I'm not that that is not my responsibility in any way. And almost certainly that person isn't open to that information anyway. Now, if I was really, really close to someone, sure, like as a part of relational repair, we can have a conversation about how what happened impacted me, right? Of course. Of course. But if it's just random, unsolicited advice from somebody that you don't really need to worry about preserving your relationship, yeah, just don't respond. You can respond without any kind of engagement, right? Make respond to the other parts of what they said, or just sort of ignore the criticism, you know, that was inherent in it. And without question, you absolutely have permission to, you don't need permission from me, but you know, give yourself permission to just pause and protect your own nervous system first. You know, you can take a breath, you can step away, you cannot answer that call, you cannot respond to that text, you know, you can do what you need to do to take care of yourself first. I wrote down a handful of possibilities of short, succinct statements that convey I'm not interested in continuing this conversation. So I'm gonna read them off here and then I will put them. Let's see, what will I do? I'll put them in the email. Always an email goes out during podcast week or my emails always go out on Wednesdays. And so the Wednesday email is almost always related to the podcast from that week. So I'll put that in the email that goes out this week, and I will maybe you remember maybe to make like a social media post about them, and I will put them in the show notes as well. So just some very neutral, short, direct statements. We've got it covered. Thanks. We have a lot of support around this. I have people I go to for that. That's not something I'm looking for input on. We're working with someone on that. If you wanted to be a little bit warmer, but still, you know, have some clarity around, I'm not gonna continue this conversation with you. Maybe something like, I appreciate that you care, but we're good. Or thanks for thinking about us. We've got the support that we need. If you need to be a little bit firmer, you could say, I'm not looking for advice, but thank you. Or that's not actually something I'm open to feedback on. We're pretty settled on how we're handling this. I'm not gonna take that in, but I hear you. Oh, y'all, that one feels hard for me. I would have a hard time saying that. I'd have to practice that. And you can totally practice these things if you don't have someone to practice with. You could practice with yourself, practice in the mirror. Um, just you know, practice while you're driving down the road. I'm not gonna take that in, but I hear you. Oh gosh, that one sounds hard for me to say. And I'm gonna practice that one, y'all. That's what that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna practice that. I'm not gonna take that in, but I hear you. Now, if you are finding yourself needing to set this boundary with someone a lot, maybe something like, we've talked about this and we're not changing course. Or I've let you know that this isn't something I want input on. You can also just kind of change the subject. Uh, hmm. Well, tomorrow I am going out to this new restaurant tomorrow. Have you heard of it? You know, it's downtown and it's, you know, just change the subject. Most people are actually pretty quick to follow just a new subject and forget all about it. If you really need to be clear and set a very clear boundary or limit with somebody who continues to push past your boundary, you can add in something like, we've talked about this and we're not changing course on it. If it feels too hard for you to pull back on making comments about this part of my life, we might need to take a break from talking to one another or hanging out with each other or something like that. It just be really clear. If you can't stop doing this thing, I've asked you to stop doing, we might have to stop hanging out together. Now, if it's coming from somebody who you're really close to and really need in your life and really rely on for support, maybe you can be clear about what you need. Something like, I'm not looking for feedback right now. I just really need your support. You can set a limit on like when and where a conversation can happen. I can't talk about this right now. Let's talk later when we're both settled. You can decide that you're actually, it's interesting. I know that setting boundaries feels so uncomfortable. Asking somebody to stop doing what they're doing is so uncomfortable. And I really think it's worth pondering why, right? And sometimes I can get this sense in my own self of like almost the injustice of it. Like, why is this uncomfortable for me? The person who should feel a little uncomfortable is them. I've asked them to stop and they're not stopping. So I'm gonna be more clear about it. And that person should feel uncomfortable because the kind and appropriate thing to do in relationship with somebody you care about is to respect their boundary. And when they ask you to stop, to stop. You know, just remember you are not required to educate other people, explain yourself, justify yourself, especially to folks who aren't being curious. If you have someone in your life who wants to be supportive of you and you want to educate them and help them understand what's going on in your family and, you know, why you're making the choices that you're making, then I mean, that's a totally different story, of course. Like I'm so grateful that you have that. But if folks aren't being um, you know, offering up true gestures of help and support, and instead they're just giving, you know, feedback and unsolic unsolicited advice, you don't have to justify anything to them, explain anything to them. Thank you. You have a very nice drum core, right? Your job is just to protect your own regulation so that you can stay present with your kid. Do you remember a few weeks ago I had a podcast guest on? Um, they were a member of the club, and one of these really brilliant things that they said in the interview was that no one ever became good by being told they were bad. And she was talking about kids, but y'all, of course, the same thing is true for us. And the reality is that this parenting journey that we're on is so hard. It is so hard. And it is so hard to continue to kind of return to the truth that you're a good parent who's doing the very best that you can. It's so hard in the best of circumstances to return to that. And so you want to protect your peace, right? Protect the information that you're receiving from the outside world that is anything except you're a great parent who's doing something really, really, really hard. How could I help you? If it's not that, it's probably not super useful to you. And you're gonna be much more, ah, you're just gonna get so much more out of protecting your energy if you can disengage from that and stay focused on what really matters, which is helping yourself stay regulated so that you can parent your kid in the way that you really want to. Y'all, parenting your kiddos is hard enough. Like spending time figuring out how to respond to other people just feels like this extra burden. And I wish that you didn't have it. So I hope that this felt helpful. I hope that some of those scripts felt helpful. You might be able to just kind of tuck them away, practice them, you know, drive, be driving down the road and and and say out loud, thank you. You have a very nice drum core. Or while you're in the shower or while you're walking your dog, you know, just practice saying these things. You can imagine the things that people say to you. Imagine that. And then practice your response. I appreciate how much you care about me and our family. I'm not open to discussing that right now. And then change the subject, something like that. All righty, y'all. Well, if you and I are connecting in more ways than just on the podcast, like you get my emails or you are connected with me on social, you know that there is so much going on right now, right? We are beginning to open up applications already for the 2027 cohorts of the professional immersion program. We are preparing to open the club again real soon. Y'all, I am launching a book again soon, September 21st, the guided journal for raising kids with big baffling behaviors is coming out. That means I have travel and events planned. There is so much going on. We're getting closer and closer, believe it or not, to coming to the summer break that we take for the immersion program. And although I really miss my Wednesdays of being with my immersion program students, we all also really enjoy those 10 weeks off. There is something pretty magical about taking a pause and a rest and allowing your nervous system to just integrate on its own time, you know, without, you know, continuing to take in more and new information. So that's coming up as I'm recording this episode. I'm preparing to speak at a conference in Vegas. And then I'm heading off to Syracuse to co-teach uh therapy with kids with big baffling behaviors with my dear colleague Rose. I have another workshop coming up here in Michigan in um July. Oh, and y'all, we are really getting very close to unveiling uh my new website, which is going to have a new wonderful directory of all of the folks who have um who are alumni of the immersion program. So we're really getting close to that. Finally, finally happening. I know things are hard. I know there's so much going on. There's so much going on in your families, there's so much going on in our communities, there's so much going on in our country and in the world, and it's a lot right now. It's a lot right now. And so I really take very seriously the privilege and the honor of being invited into your mind and you into your heart and to be offering you this connection and co regulation in this podcast or in my emails or in social or in the club. You know, however, I I have the opportunity to do that. All right, y'all. I'll be back with you again next week. Bye bye.