170. Do Women Have Complete Control And "Say So" When It Comes To Sexual intimacy?

In most relationships and marriages (whether done intentionally or unintentionally), women have complete control and say so when it comes to sex. They typically determine "if" a couple is going to have sex, "when" they are going to have sex, and everything related to sex in the relationship.

Many husbands are scared to initiate sex with their spouse for fear of rejection, having it cause an argument or conflict, and many other reasons. Because of this, and the fact that most women have a responsive desire style, many couples are not connecting sexually in their relationship (and often living in sexless marriages, or close to) because sex in the marriage is up to the wife.

In this podcast episode Nick and Amy discuss the reasons why this is, and how couples can work together to find a balance in their sexual intimacy and relationship where both spouses needs and desires are being met, and sex is something that both spouses have mutual respect and control over in the relationship.

If you haven't already, go check out the Ultimate Intimacy App in the app stores, or at ultimateintimacy.com to find "Ultimate Intimacy" in your marriage. It's FREE to download and so much fun!

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If you have any feedback, comments or topics you would like to hear on future episodes, reach out to us at amy@ultimateintimacy.com and let us know! We greatly appreciate your feedback and please leave us a review.

Transcript

Amy: 0:00

You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship. We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life. Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun. The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better. 

Nick: 1:00

The. 

Amy: 1:01

Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who are just flat out fun. I'm not sure what you're talking about yet. 

Nick: 1:37

But I would say 95%. 

Amy: 1:39

Yeah, I would probably guess 90 to 95% too, which is I don't know. When we tell you what it is, it's just kind of like common sense. Now, and another thing too. 

Nick: 1:48

There's no. I mean there's really like no blame in this, but this is just the way it is. We get a lot of feedback from especially husbands about this that obviously are complaining. So the title of the episode is why Women have Complete Control and Say so when it Comes to Sex. And do you? I mean, you're okay, okay, you're my wife, you're a woman. You read this title. What do you think? Do you get defensive? Do you think Mount's a Bunch of Bull Crap or do you? 

Amy: 2:23

I think it is 100% true. Yeah, I just fully agree with it. I'm just going to be honest. I fully agree with it. 

Nick: 2:31

Now, having said that I mean I have a great marriage I feel like our sexual intimacy is really good. So, even though that's the way it is, people can still have a good marriage and good sexual intimacy, but it still doesn't change the fact that this is true, and even in our relationship, I would say right. 

Amy: 2:50

Yeah, well, really, it should say why the lower drive sex in a marriage has complete control and say so. Correct when it comes to it Because it's really. I mean, it's just that's what it is right, like the person that is always wanting it. It depends if the lower drive spouse is willing to get in the mood. I mean, that's really just what it comes down to. And so, like you always hear, for the average normal couple I don't know what normal is exactly, but, like in most marriages, the wife is typically a lower drive, so that's kind of why it's titled this, but know that it could go both ways. 

Nick: 3:30

Yeah, and we'll dive into this, but I think especially when we dive into it, you'll see why this is. And so, like Amy said, the majority of women and again we know there are always exceptions that in some cases it might not be that the woman has complete control. It might be the man because he has a lower drive, but obviously we've titled it this way because probably 90, 95% of the time it is the women that have complete control over this. 

Amy: 3:58

And with most of the videos that we post, we do get a lot of comments on the ones that are kind of controversial. A lot of men say it's always up to my wife whether she's willing to or not. Like that's when it happens is when she's willing. 

Nick: 4:13

Yeah. 

Amy: 4:13

And that's where this is coming from. It's just, yeah, that's how it works. 

Nick: 4:17

And, as you've listed, other podcast episodes. We talk a lot about the lower desire spouse and the lower desire spouse obviously has to be put in the mood before they're going to really want to enjoy sexual intimacy. Amy is more of a spontaneous not. Amy is more of a responsive desire spouse, meaning you know she's never really going to be in the mood to have sex until she gets in the mood through foreplay. 

Amy: 4:54

And it's not going to just come to my mind all of a sudden and be like, oh my gosh, I'm in the mood. That yet doesn't happen. I bet most of the men listening or like, yeah, that's my wife and most. 

Nick: 5:06

I bet most of the women, if they're honest, they're like, yeah, that's me so it's so this, this has changed, but it's not like anything's ever changed with Relationships, say, 40, 30, 40, 50 years ago, the whole, the whole thing was, you know, women, even if they had a low desire, desire. That's the whole purpose of foreplay, right? The whole, entire purpose of foreplay is to get the lower this desire spouse in the mood. The problem is is now on social media nowadays and we talk about sex all the time on social media and encourage couples to have more, more sexual fulfillment and enjoyment together, because sex is such an important part of a happy marriage. But it's interesting when we do these videos on encouraging people that have more sexual intimacy, we absolutely get destroyed by a lot of women and the and the. A lot of these women are miserable and unhappy and they hate men. They literally you can just literally sense how much they hate men and a lot of it. Maybe they've had bad experiences from previous marriage or things like that. But the, these women are saying well, if you're encouraging couples to have sex unless the woman is 100% in the mood and really the one initiating it, then you know it's. It's marital, marital rape, which is absolutely crazy. Again, coming back to the whole purpose of foreplay is to get someone that's not in the mood but is willing To get in the mood so you can have sexual intimacy, right Like so it's. It's crazy, like you know whether it's 20 or 30 years ago. That's that's what people did they. They focused on foreplay to get the lower-desire spouse in the mood. Yeah, ever since the history of time went. So it's now interesting that there's really a big push to say you know what? If you're not in the mood for sex, you, you can't have sex. And not only should you not have sex, but you shouldn't even allow the other spouse even, or the husband even, try to get you in the mood, because if he's trying to even get you in the mood, then that's coercion or even worse, and so it's. It's interesting how society is Is buying into this, which is causing a lot more problems in marriage. Yeah, I mean. So I think too Obviously, if you look at it, say, okay, the lower-desire spouse or the spouse that maybe has the responsive desire, they're never going to be in the mood for sex. They're just not unless they get in the mood through foreplay first. So if a higher-desire spouse or is waiting for the lower-desire spouse in this case we're talking about the husband waiting for their wife to be in the mood that is just never, ever, ever going to happen, or very seldom right. 

Amy: 8:06

Yeah, for most women. Yeah, we have a lot on our mind for most women. I think okay. So when we're going with this podcast episode is that, if you really think about it in your own marriage, the lower-desire spouse typically the woman Kind of is in control of that, because if you are always rejecting or always have something else going on or yeah, you're not Mentally in the mood to get turned on, so you keep putting it off, yeah, he's the other spouse or the husband is not going to get it. So you can look at the situation and think that's a lot of control. And that's where a lot of men are saying like the woman Typically has a lot of control when it happens, right? 

Nick: 8:55

They have control if it's going to happen, when it's going to happen, how often it's going to happen. Should it happen, how long it's going to be? Is there going to be foreplay? I mean they literally control every aspect of sexual intimacy in the marriage. 

Amy: 9:09

So this is what we have to figure out, right Should there be that much control and how do we fix it? So it's not a controlling situation like it should, I would be controlling, but I'm just saying, like, how do we fix that so that a man or a higher-drive spouse Isn't feeling like the other one has all the control to this in the marriage and and you know what I'm trying to say? 

Nick: 9:36

So yeah, and I think you know sexual intimacy is such a strong, incredible emotion. You know it's one thing if you have a control over a situation, that's, you know, not really a big deal or doesn't bring out the emotions like sexual intimacy does. But when you're dealing with such a, such an intense and meaningful, I guess, things such as the desire to have sexual intimacy, which there's, so sexual intimacy is tied to so many things for a man, you know, his self-confidence is self-worth, that's how most men feel loved. I mean, that's let's be honest, that's why many men get married is to be able to express their love in that way with, with their spouse. And so when you have an emotion that's that strong and that's in correct, that incredible, and that desires there so strongly and it's completely Controlled or determined by the other spouse, you can see how that can cause some frustrations and some problems. 

Amy: 10:38

I like that word determined better. Yeah, yeah, because we really do determine. You know what's that like, if so, if Nick comes to me and I'm just like I'm not tonight, babe, that just determined now what's happening that night, right? 

Nick: 10:54

Yeah, I'm not in the mood. Therefore, not, we're not having it. Period done. 

Amy: 10:57

Or whatever it is like, but usually the lower drive spouse is making that call and that's the point. So we have to remember. The first thing I want to point out is that we are wired differently. We are built differently. So as a woman that is a loger desire spouse, like I do not. My body doesn't tell me that I need it, my mind doesn't naturally tell me that I need it, like I just don't ever have the feelings that Nick has right. 

Nick: 11:31

Yeah. 

Amy: 11:32

Like your body can actually physically tell you that you want to be intimate. My body does not work like that. So if we're trying to fix the situation where both people are frustrated because it's not just the men that are frustrated there's been plenty of times where I don't want and this is where I'm gonna side with the women I don't want to feel like everything is weighing on me and he's not happy because I am not built like him and Desiring it like him. There becomes this like we've always talked about this gap, right, like you're built different. I'm built different. I don't physically crave it like you do. You physically crave it. You need it. Physically, I don't. There has to be this balance and this is where the separation is coming and this disconnect is because a lot of women are like you. Just you do this because you need it, you do this for me because it's needed and your body just needs it. Blah, blah, blah. Like we have to first come to understand that most husbands are definitely built to sexually desirous. Yeah right. Absolutely we're just not the same. We're not the same, but as women, we can do a better job at realizing just because we're different doesn't mean it's not important or needed for them. And this is where so many of the problems are coming from, because a lot of women are just like no, not in the mood, nope, I don't have to do it, like he said already, but we've got to find a healthy balance too, where we're like okay, he physically needs it, and that's putting a lot on both of us to find a really healthy balance in our marriages. 

Nick: 13:23

Yeah. 

Amy: 13:23

Which is what we're trying to solve with this right. 

Nick: 13:26

Yeah, for sure, and I think you know. In addition to that, I think women know and understand the power and control they have and that they hold with sex, and I think a lot of women use intentionally use this power to get what they want, whether, okay, you know, I want my husband to do this and therefore I'm not going to give him sex unless he does ABC and D, right, right. So there's a lot of women that intentionally use this as a weapon or a tool to get what they want in their marriage. That's not. Their marriage is not going to last long. 

Amy: 14:03

That's the or it's not going to be happy. 

Nick: 14:05

Or it's not going to be happy, right. And then there's the women that I think unintentionally do that. They maybe they know how much power they have with sex. They don't maybe intentionally try to do those things, but unintentionally they're like, well, I'm not going to give him into sex unless he does this, or you know what have you and I think, regardless of obviously intentionally, is bad, but regardless of how it's happening, I think it's important for couples, especially, like I said, with how strong a sexual emotion is and how it's a bond between two spouses and what sex really means. It should be something that couples can really sit down and figure out to where it's not a controlling thing in the relationship. But how do we find this balance to where it's not, you know, just one sided and have full control over if we're going to have sex, when we're going to have sex? 

Amy: 15:01

Well, when I started hearing these like complaints come in and these comments come in, like the wife is always in charge. The vagina rules I like that. I hear that a lot. The vagina rules, Like they, the women, call the shots when it happens. If it happens, Now, as women we can step back and be like that is a lot of power. It's actually 100% true. Like I have full control, especially if I'm the lower drive spouse. Now to sit back and say you know what? This should never be a controlling situation. This shouldn't be a determining thing. Like I don't want it to be like that. Like I don't want it to be like that in my marriage. I don't want my husband to think she just always determines it. It's always about her. Like I, that's. The first solution is to like looking at the situation in your marriage and thinking I don't want it to be like that, I want it to be mutual. And that takes conversation about what is needed. So that's when you were starting to jump in. You were going to say for a lot of women, I need the emotional intimacy to be super strong. Well, yes, that is very, very, very important. We always say that there has to be respect in the marriage. There has to be faithfulness, there has to be love. You know all those things like you have to have a strong emotional intimacy. But what a lot. A lot of women who are watching a lot of Hollywood videos or social media are seeing a lot of fake realized stuff. They're thinking I need my husband to be so romantic today, I need him to rub my feet, I need him to be more helpful with this and this, and he didn't really compliment me today. Like if you've got a list of things that you're like, unless you check all those marks off and check all those boxes, I'm not in the mood. That's not going to fix the situation Right. We can't have like this, like list of I will make love to you after all of my needs are fulfilled and then I'll reward you, because the minute you start having that attitude as a woman that this is a reward for him. That's not okay. 

Nick: 17:14

Yeah. 

Amy: 17:14

That's not okay. That's what screws everything up. This is not a reward. This is a need that someone has in the marriage, and you have your own needs too. So this is where I get frustrated on both sides because, yes, all those really strong things need to always be there. It's not a daily thing. Like he filled my cup today, so now I'm gonna reward him. Yeah, husbands, like your wife is never gonna be intimate with you ever. She's never gonna desire you if you're not treating her like a princess all the time and she should be doing the same too. She should be treating you like a king. But that that needs to come natural in marriage. That's not like you did really good today. That needs to be like a respect all the time, help around the house all the time, have good communication and and having a loving personality. That just needs to be a natural thing in a marriage. 

Nick: 18:03

You're right, right, go ahead. I was just to say we hear from so many husbands that they're like you know. The excuse is well, they're just not in the mood or they don't want to do it. And getting back to that, well, the wife then has the control and she's never gonna be in the mood because she's probably a low, low desire spouse. But we get husbands that say, well, go, I go to work. I don't want to go to work every day to a job I don't like, but I do it because I love my family, I do it because it's important, I do it to put food on the table and even though I don't want to do it, I do it because it's important to our relationship and our family. And I think we're not. We're not saying that women should have sex if they don't want to have sex. We're not. We're not saying that. What we're saying is that a lot of times, for the sake of a relationship or the sake of a marriage, or the sake of having a happier family and marriage as well, is, sometimes you do things even if you're not in the mood. You do things because you know what's important to the relationship, you know what's important for your family. You know what's important to your spouse. I mean every everything we do in life, no matter what, there's always a reward for. I mean, if I go to work, my reward is getting paid. If I, if I go to the store and I'm paying, getting food, I'm paying money for that. For every, almost everything we do in life, there's some, there's some sort of reward. And so I guess what I'm saying is you know, a lot of times we do things in life that we don't necessarily want to do, or maybe we're not in the mood to do it, but we do it for the importance of the relationship and because we love someone and because we love our spouse. And and I want to hit the key thing is because it's important to me, because she knows, like, how important being physically intimate is to me and because she loves me and she knows that's important to me, she, she, she loves it and she knows it's important to me. Therefore, she wants it's important to her and vice versa. There's things that are important to Amy that I know are important to her and because I love her, I want to fulfill those needs, not because I'm in the mood or whatever. I love her and I want to fulfill her desires and her needs, because if it's important to her, it should be important to me. 

Amy: 20:34

Absolutely. 

Nick: 20:36

Life is so much about sacrifice and doing things that we don't want to do for other people that we love, and I don't know. I just it's. It's hard to hear all these husbands just say I just love my wife more than anything. I want more than anything just to be wanted by my wife or to be connected with my wife. And they, most these men, are so sincere that they they just really want to have that relationship with their spouse and it's like nope, wife isn't in the mood, therefore never going to happen, and they're going to control the whole situation when it comes to sex. 

Amy: 21:15

So my next question is why are you not in the mood and why are you willing to get in the mood? So I'm going to talk to the women for a minute. So in our situation we both work. I'm still the mom, I'm still the nurture, I'm still doing most of the mom duties. So so Nick has done a really good job. He knows I hate grocery shopping. He knows that I I don't love to cook. I do it but I don't love it. So he is really awesome. It's like hey, give me a grocery list, I'll go to the store for you. Or hey, let me take care of dinner Sunday night. Like it's all on me, I'll take totally care of it. You put your feet up. Like he'll make comments like that he'll just go take the laundry and start doing it. Because in our marriage we have to work as a team, because we're both working and we're both really involved with our kids and with our house. So I know our situation is a little bit different but we have been on both sides of it. Like I've been at home before for 10 years having our kids. I was a stay-at-home mom. Like I've been the full on supporter in our marriage. So of all people. We've kind of been in every situation right. 

Nick: 22:23

For sure. 

Amy: 22:24

And that was and it's. It's tricky because I don't want to get into scorekeeping, because we already did like a whole entire podcast episode on not scorekeeping in your marriage. It's not okay to scorekeep, but it's still. You still got to have a fair marriage, right, you still have to have a fair marriage, You've got to pull your equal weight. You've got to pull your equal weight and if it's not happening somewhat equal, like, talk about it right. Like if something's not feeling right, we talk about it, so okay. So my point with that is is that when Nick does those little things, so if I don't need sexual intimacy like it's just not really a need of mine, I know it's important for the marriage. 

Nick: 23:00

She's like a sex camel. She could go months and months. 

Amy: 23:04

I probably could Like. It's not a need of mine, but I know it's important for the marriage. Okay. And I know it's important to him and I love him. I married him. I. I know it's important for us and and he pleases me, so it's not like I, I don't want it, I just don't think about it, okay, and a lot of women will rate it, it takes four play to get you in the mood. 

Nick: 23:21

You, you don't, you don't think you want it, but then once we get going, then you get in the mood. You're like, oh yeah, right. 

Amy: 23:27

Yeah, it's great, but I'm never going to like just think of it. Okay, everyone knows that. So if you're, if you're in my situation, so I have to look at our relationship and say, okay, what things do I need in the marriage? And I have to make those somewhat equal. So I need you to help me with the kids. I need you to touch me non sexually, I these are the kind of things that I need and whatever they are they're all different for everybody. List those out, like what are your real needs? And if you don't know, you got to figure that out. That's only fair. If you're a woman and you don't know what your needs are, you have to figure those out. So when I look at Nick and I think you know what he has been, so I just he's really taking care of my needs. And when he comes to me every few days and he's like I just really want to connect with you intimately, I would feel awful saying, oh, I don't want to connect with you intimately. He needs, he wants that, he needs that and he does a lot for me and I'm gonna do a lot for him. So this is what's important to me is sexual intimacy? Physical intimacy is important to him. I need to make it important to me, even though I never think about it. And that's the entire point. When you love your spouse, you're going to want to take care of their needs, even if they're different from you. And this is where this whole subject comes from, why women have control over sex. Well, we think that our men need to do this for us, do this for us, go to work and help support the family. They need to be helping with the kids. They do all these things. But what if a husband just decided yeah, I don't want to work, I don't want to support this family anymore, I'm just done. I just don't want to do that. Like what if you had the attitude about that? With sex, that's not fair. Like that's. That makes me sad. 

Nick: 25:13

Yeah, I'm not in the mood to do it. I'm not going to go to work today. 

Amy: 25:16

Like what if your husband just like that's? 

Nick: 25:17

really important. Like you need to go to work today, I'm just not in the mood. I'm not going to do it. 

Amy: 25:22

Yeah, I just not feeling like it. I got another headache, take some medicine, feel better and then go make love to your husband because he works really hard for you and so he did about this. Because I'm like I see both sides but in this situation, like we shouldn't have control over this, if you're. I mean, yeah, if it's like every day and it's just like way too much, there's healthy balance. We're not talking about an unhealthy balance Exactly exactly, but a couple times a week is kind of what's average for a happily married couple. If you want to be a happily married couple and that's kind of the average, try making that a goal, like, and that's a healthy amount. That's not like a sex addict or someone that just wants it all the time, like, and maybe it's more, maybe it's three times a week, I don't know. Whatever works for you, but if your wife has no libido, maybe two like for us, two works for us Maybe once, maybe once in a while for the wives who are just never. you know, one of the two or maybe yeah, if you're like a sex star relationship, maybe once a week is huge for you, but once a week should definitely be a must for a couple. Like that's an absolutely you guys have time to make love once a week. Like everybody has time. You just have to make it a priority. 

Nick: 26:38

And I think too for the women out there that really recognize and understand that they do control sex and that they have that much control. I really think for a lot of them it makes them less likely to want to have sex. 

Amy: 26:55

Who. 

Nick: 26:56

For the women who know that they have that control and are manipulating? Oh for sure. And that's going to make you even less likely to want to have sex when you're. When you know you have that control and you can use it to get what you want. It's going to do that opposite effect and make sex become even worse, worse, worse, and make you like sex even less. So you know, what we're trying to say is sex should be an amazing, wonderful thing that happens between both couples and find that balance that's comfortable for both couples and it's such a strong emotion. It shouldn't be used to get what you want. It shouldn't be used to have that power over your husband. I mean, think about it. You're a couple that's trying to work together and have a good marriage and have a family and you're using this power over someone that you supposedly love. It should be, you know, really figure out a way in marriage to to not let the whole control over sex dictate. Um, I guess how you're having sex in your relationship. 

Amy: 28:01

And I can guarantee you that the husband has probably done something, or the higher-dice spouse has probably done something, to take care of you in some way, that that week, right that took a couple hours or or an hour. If that is what makes them feel loved, why can you not give them that hour? Like I don't understand that. 

Nick: 28:24

Yeah, or a half hour or 15 minutes. 

Amy: 28:26

It doesn't have to be long, but okay, we haven't jumped into our pull and I really want to get to the pull because it just shows, like where we're coming from. 

Nick: 28:37

Yeah, shows shows whatever most people in the audience are thinking and how they're feeling. 

Amy: 28:42

Okay. So we asked our audience the question when it comes to sexual intimacy Whoops, wrong call, Hold on. Do you feel like your husbands? Do you feel like your wife controls when the six takes place in your marriage? 83% said yes. Now, this is I know this is an old world taking this pull, but it was hundreds of people, and so 83% of the people that took our pull said yes, the wife controls it. 

Nick: 29:13

And these are people that are listening to our podcast using the app and, overall, probably have healthy, fairly healthy and decent marriages. 

Amy: 29:20

Hopefully, yeah. 

Nick: 29:22

If we were, if this were a TikTok pull, it might be a little sleek, probably a 99.9. 

Amy: 29:27

It would probably be a little different, but so 17% said no, so I'm happy about that 17%. 

Nick: 29:34

Yeah. 

Amy: 29:35

But even in our marriage I do feel like even I would still admit go with the higher amount, because I'm like it usually comes down to if you're in the mood, if I'm, willing to have the attitude or the positive mindset about sex that night and get myself in the mood right. 

Nick: 29:52

For sure. 

Amy: 29:53

So that's normal. I'm not saying that's bad. Okay. So the next question we asked was why do you feel this way? And here are some of the answers because it's true, if she's not 100% ready, it's not going to happen. I don't even know what that means, because no one's ever 100% ready. 

Nick: 30:14

It means it's not going to happen. That's what it means. It means it's not going to happen unless she wants it to happen. 

Amy: 30:20

If she's not 100% wanting it right. 

Nick: 30:23

Yeah, yeah, it's not happening. It's not happening because I never 100% want it, unless I tell myself you're going to want it, because a low-desire spouse is never 100% going to want it. 

Amy: 30:35

Another husband said rejection all the time. Okay, I'm siding with the man right here. What do you think that does to your husband when you reject him all the time, like you're still I'm looking at my husband your self-esteem would be so far down that would break my heart. 

Nick: 30:51

Absolutely. I've said this so many times for most men, their self-confidence, their self-worth, the way they feel loved all these things are tied to sex. It's proven. It's not just us saying it. It's proven that a man's well-being, overall well-being, and everything is tied to sex. That is how a man feels loved. When a man does not feel desired by his wife, nothing else matters. 

Amy: 31:22

Do the women out there who never make love to their husband? That's not fair for him. He did not sign up for that. It's like me going into a marriage and signing up for marriage thinking, oh, my husband's going to support the family. Most women get married from financial security, right, and so if your husband just yearned your marriage, he's like I just decided I'm not going to work anymore. Yeah, are you going to be happy to marriage? No, you're not. And husbands feel like that way about sexual intimacy. 

Nick: 31:54

Absolutely. 

Amy: 31:54

And a lot of women too. None of us signed up to have a stupid, boring roommate, just another roommate. We didn't sign up for that. We signed up to have an amazing marriage. 

Nick: 32:04

And if there's things that keep you from wanting to have sexual intimacy, talk about them. Figure them out. If you feel like, oh, my husband's just selfish in the bedroom and doesn't take care of me, have those discussions. Talk about things you can do. Buy a vibrator A vibrator's been a game changer in Amy's and my marriage. 

Amy: 32:22

Go listen to that episode. We won't even talk about it, but go listen to that episode. If you're having barriers to your intimacy because of resentment or something that happened in your marriage, go listen to that episode. We have lots of episodes for all these different barriers. The next one was because sex only happens when she wants it To the women. Why don't? I don't even care. If you don't want sex Maybe it's not feeling good to you Then, like I just said, go listen to the other podcast talking about how to make it awesome for you. But if you don't want it, don't you want it for him. If he's an awesome husband, yeah. Don't you want your husband to be happy. I want you to be happy. I think most men do the things that they do because they want their wife to be happy, and if you're not desiring it, figure out why you're not desiring it. Another one said it only happens when she's in the mood. I'm afraid of rejection Happened earlier in the marriage. We get so many comments from men just always rejected, like that's not okay. That's not okay. It's okay if he's a piece of crap. But Most of our listeners are awesome husbands and awesome wives that want to help their marriage. Okay, that's another situation. But another husband said I'm always ready, but if she's not in the mood it's a no-go. Get in the mood, go. Get in the mood. Nick pulls out. If I'm not in the mood, he can tell my mind is just fried, the kids have just been busy that day and I'm stressed out with work or whatever it is. He rubs my feet, he calms me down. He takes the time. He can pull out the toy if he knows I need some real physical stimulation because my mind's not going to stop right. 

Nick: 34:11

Alright, I usually don't brag about myself or talk highly of myself, but I asked Amy yesterday. I said, on the scale of 1 to 10, how is my romance with you? Am I romantic? She? Says oh, you're a 10 and I about fell over because I was expecting maybe like a 5 or 6. Like, oh, you can do better at this or this. 

Amy: 34:31

Well, I just had my birthday this week, and so you spoiled me. 

Nick: 34:34

Oh, that's right. I better ask you next week. 

Amy: 34:36

Yeah, you might want to ask like that a week where you didn't like spoil the head of me, that's true. 

Nick: 34:39

Never mind, I'll edit that part out. 

Amy: 34:41

He's like you should go to lunch with your friends. You should do it again tomorrow. It's your birthday week, oh it's your birthday week. 

Nick: 34:46

Take the whole week off, babe. I got this covered. I got this covered girl. 

Amy: 34:50

Dude, everyone. That's like dream man. You just told the dream man for the last time. 

Nick: 34:55

Kids to bed. You don't worry about that girl. 

Amy: 35:00

Keep talking to the husbands, because if they act like that, the wives are going to be much more receptive to making love. 

Nick: 35:06

That's true, that's true. 

Amy: 35:09

Let's see? Conversations about let's see, is that our initiating Feel like threading a needle? Conversations about initiating oh, we have those conversations all the time. It's a very important and, yes, I stuck in initiating. I always say it, but I did a couple of weeks ago. I've been feeling pretty good about myself because for someone to initiate that's never thinking about sex, sex is a big deal. 

Nick: 35:32

That was huge, it was a big deal. That was a journal entry. 

Amy: 35:35

It means a lot. 

Nick: 35:36

I went down to my journal. 

Amy: 35:37

Yep, my wife has a low libido. 

Nick: 35:41

Whose wife doesn't. 

Amy: 35:42

Most wives do. Most wives, not all. Somehow very high. That's a very small percentage. Because she doesn't communicate with me. Well, then, communicate with her. Takes two Because I always initiate and she rejects 99 out of 100 times. Please go listen to our podcast on what rejection does to a husband. Please go listen to that episode. It's not okay to always reject your husband. Why the crap did you get married Right? 

Nick: 36:15

Yeah, why did? 

Amy: 36:15

you get married. If you expected to do all of these things, you think he's just going to be a celibate monk the rest of his life. That's not okay. 

Nick: 36:22

Yeah. 

Amy: 36:23

No husband in this world was just like. I'm just going to sign up for some more sexless marriage. 

Nick: 36:30

No. 

Amy: 36:33

The next one, because it only happens when the stars and planets align perfectly for her. You better go buy a bite reader, because I want to be intimate all day, every day, and our record is like seven times and I'd like to double it. Good luck with that one. 

Nick: 36:51

I don't even know what that one is Seven times in a day. 

Amy: 36:54

But maybe he met a week, hopefully A year. You gotta have realistic expectations. Okay, we're like yeah. 

Nick: 37:06

Okay. 

Amy: 37:06

Yeah, we'll skip that one, because I don't know what that meant, because she says no or shows no interest for a month at a time. That's sad A month at a time. A human male, average male, literally his body tells him he needs it every few days. 

Nick: 37:26

Yeah. 

Amy: 37:27

And just because you're a woman and you don't have a penis doesn't mean that your husband isn't different than you. That's a fact that a husband physically works a different way than us, right? 

Nick: 37:41

That's true. 

Amy: 37:42

That's true. 

Nick: 37:42

That's true. 

Amy: 37:44

Because I told my wife she's in charge of initiating. No, no, you can have an amazing sexual intimacy without making your wife initiate all the time. Nick does 99% of the initiating and that doesn't bother him. Yeah, he would like me to do it a little bit more, but that doesn't stop us from having an amazing sex life. 

Nick: 38:04

I still ask the question. 

Amy: 38:07

It's okay to be the initiator. It's okay to be the initiator all the time. Another one says she rejects my invitation and only wants to partake at certain times. Yeah, I'm the wife and I have health issues that make it hard. Yes, that's always a different situation. My wife doesn't understand that sex leads to more of the connection that she needs. See, this is where this gap comes in Wives. When you desire sexual intimacy, I just challenge you. If it's really lacking in your marriage, try just putting yourself in the mood to be okay with it a couple times in a week and just see if that changes your husband's attitude. Personality, just everything. 

Nick: 38:54

A lot of men have said if I get the sexual needs, they would totally give the emotional needs. It's almost like different. A woman needs the emotional needs to be able to want to give the sexual needs. A man's almost total opposite, where when their sexual needs are being met, they're more likely, a lot more likely, to give the emotional needs. 

Amy: 39:14

Absolutely Okay. I know these are going on, but I know Nick is like stop the pull. But I'm going to read a couple more because I think they're important. 

Nick: 39:25

We're noticing a common theme here. 

Amy: 39:26

It is a common theme. It's always a common theme. 

Nick: 39:28

So life is in control. 

Amy: 39:29

Life is in control, I feel, if I go the extra mile for all of her emotional needs and still, unless the stars line up, it's still a shutdown. Okay, I don't like the word fair in marriage, but that's not fair, right. 

Nick: 39:44

Yeah. 

Amy: 39:44

That's super unfair. If he's going the extra mile to make your emotional needs, if he's helping and he's doing all these awesome husband things, make it fair what I don't understand too is why, why women wouldn't want to be desired like. 

Nick: 40:02

Why are they shutting their husbands down so often? Because Wouldn't a woman want to be desired by her husband? Where? 

Amy: 40:09

where are we coming in? Where are we getting these things in our head as women like oh, he's just touching me because he wants sex. Oh, he's just grabbing my butt because he wants to have sex. Oh, he's just doing all these things for me during the day because he wants sex. 

Nick: 40:20

Less that maybe he does want sex, of course he wants sex with you. Why are you connected with you? 

Amy: 40:25

Why else do you think he's doing those things? When, huh, when Nick, like on day four, nick will start like he turns up in like this little, like Fast rabbit, he goes from room to room to room and he starts doing dishes, then he starts doing laundry and then he grabs my butt and then he goes, does something else and then he touches me again. I'm like, oh, you want something. He's like, well, I always want something. I'm like, well, today I can tell. And I'm not like, oh, he's so annoying, like he only wants sex, like, yeah, of course he wants to have make love to me. I know that you're hot. What would I want to make love yeah but when he starts doing a bunch of stuff to make feel my emotional buck or whatever, I'm like I know exactly why he's doing it. I'm fine with that. I'm fine with that. That's I feel desired. I'm like thank you for doing all those things. Let's go make love right? Okay, two more. Let's see. Her mood and desires are typically in control when we are intimate. I'm ready all the time and we do it when only she wants to see. She sets the parameters and the limits. It comes down to how her day went with our four children. Here's the ages Blah, blah, blah. I. 

Nick: 41:34

I haven't even gone through half the comments yet. Yeah, we've only read a fraction of the theme. That you can see is it's always on the wife's terms look at all those. 

Amy: 41:41

Look at all those. Yeah, that's insane. I got so many. I could go on for another hour. 

Nick: 41:45

It's always on the wife's terms of if and when you're going to have sex. And the whole point we're trying to make is don't Don't use that as a power or control over your husband. Try to find that balance in your relationship and Give and take. I mean, that's what relationships are all about, right. 

Amy: 42:06

Well, number one, change your attitude towards it. Quit thinking it's like a chore. Like, if you think it's a chore, you're not gonna want to do it. Number two talk to your husband. If you're not enjoying sex, get a toy. Tell him where to focus. You got to tell him what you want, because if you're actually enjoying sex, you're gonna want it like. Tell him what it's gonna take to make it more amazing. And my third tip is if your husband's doing all these things to put you in the mood, that's absolutely why he's doing it and why do you have a problem with that? Yeah, he desires you and that's an amazing thing and you should take that as a compliment, and you should. If you're never in the mood and you don't want sex, I don't care. If you want to treat it like it's a thank-you card, I treat me. I do that for me all the time. I'm like you know what? You've been so amazing today. I feel so emotionally connected to you. Get in here, let's make love to each other. I can give my. I can get in the mood. I know you'll help me out, right. 

Nick: 43:03

Man. This podcast is Uh. Probably better put it to an end. So, so we hope, we hope you enjoyed the podcast and we're gonna have lots more good ones following. 

Amy: 43:18

I think we got the next five or six podcasts are gonna be on our all-star, all-star ones and if you're feeling like we missed something really important in this and we didn't cover Something that would make this not work in your situation. We've probably already covered it in a previous episode, right, because we always talk about the barriers and the things that are keeping people from having ultimate intimacy in their marriage. So, like we always say, sexual intimacy is like the whipped cream on a cake, like that is the best part of marriage, but the cake recipe has to be there first, and so, if it's not, fix that first and then this literally should be the reward, right? 

Nick: 44:02

Yeah, I agree, I agree. So our goal is to help everyone find ultimate intimacy in their relationship, and so Hopefully we can help you do that in your marriage. So until next time, of course, we hope you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.