204. Why Saying "I Love You" Isn't Enough. Love Is A Verb
Oct 27, 2023
We love the saying "actions speak louder than words" because it is so true! We can say "I love you" to our spouse all the time but that really means nothing unless it's backed up by actions. Love is a verb which requires action on our part.
Yes, it is important too to express love verbally as well, but words without actions mean nothing. In this episode we talk about how you need to show and express love in ways your spouse will know you love them, and it is not good enough to just say "I love you."
If you haven't already, go check out the Ultimate Intimacy App in the app stores, or at ultimateintimacy.com to find "Ultimate Intimacy" in your marriage. It's FREE to download and so much fun! Find out why over 650,000 couples have downloaded the app and give it such high ratings and reviews!
WANT AMAZING PRODUCTS TO SPICE THINGS UP? YES PLEASE... CLICK HERE Enter promo code UIAPP for 10% off your purchase (and free shipping in the US)
The Ultimate Intimacy Sexual Intimacy Marriage Course can be found HERE
Follow us on Instagram @ultimateintimacyapp for app updates, polls, giveaways, daily marriage quotes and more.
If you have any feedback, comments or topics you would like to hear on future episodes, reach out to us at amy@ultimateintimacy.com and let us know! We greatly appreciate your feedback and please leave us a review.
We love the saying "actions speak louder than words" because it is so true! We can say "I love you" to our spouse all the time but that really means nothing unless it's backed up by actions. Love is a verb which requires action on our part.
Yes, it is important too to express love verbally as well, but words without actions mean nothing. In this episode we talk about how you need to show and express love in ways your spouse will know you love them, and it is not good enough to just say "I love you."
If you haven't already, go check out the Ultimate Intimacy App in the app stores, or at ultimateintimacy.com to find "Ultimate Intimacy" in your marriage. It's FREE to download and so much fun! Find out why over 650,000 couples have downloaded the app and give it such high ratings and reviews!
WANT AMAZING PRODUCTS TO SPICE THINGS UP? YES PLEASE... CLICK HERE Enter promo code UIAPP for 10% off your purchase (and free shipping in the US)
The Ultimate Intimacy Sexual Intimacy Marriage Course can be found HERE
Follow us on Instagram @ultimateintimacyapp for app updates, polls, giveaways, daily marriage quotes and more.
If you have any feedback, comments or topics you would like to hear on future episodes, reach out to us at amy@ultimateintimacy.com and let us know! We greatly appreciate your feedback and please leave us a review.
Speaker 1:
You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship. We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life. Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun. The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
Speaker 2:
It's the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Evee. Welcome to the podcast. Today's episode is saying I love you isn't enough. Love is a verb or an action word. Or what or an action word.
Speaker 3:
I could hear your high pitched action word.
Speaker 2:
Yes so.
Speaker 3:
What does that mean to you, babe?
Speaker 2:
Before we get started, I just wanted to say that I love you, so that doesn't do any good, unless you show me. Okay, hold on. Yeah, you might hear some kissing. No, this is gonna. This will be good, I think. I think it's so true. I think a lot of times, people just say I love you Isn't that enough. I always tell you I love you, but we need to show each other, we need to show our spouses that we love them. Saying I love you and through words just isn't enough.
Speaker 3:
I just didn't realize that this was an issue.
Speaker 2:
I would totally think this is an issue.
Speaker 3:
I just didn't realize, like. I think that, like because things are easy for us, they're easy for everyone, and I had no idea that this post that I put out would go viral and that I'd have so many comments on something so simple. I had no idea how bad marriages were struggling with this. This is actually an issue that people are not showing love, like they're saying it Like I don't know. I guess I'm oblivious.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Speaker 3:
I'm oblivious to a lot of things, though.
Speaker 2:
But how often do you see couples that are arguing or whatever? I'm always telling her I love her. How does she not know I love her, or vice versa, right? Right so that's what we're saying in this podcast. Is saying I love you or saying things isn't enough.
Speaker 3:
It means nothing if your actions don't show it. I mean, that's just really that simple Right. Like if you don't show me, you love me. Like you can't say it, that means nothing to me. So I'm vice versa. So.
Speaker 2:
I'm going to. I'm going to okay, let's go on the spot then. So how I'm going to talk about the ways I think I show you love, other than just telling you and then you tell me vice versa, Okay, Rather than yeah, so. Amy loves strawberries and raspberries, like loves, like that's like the sixth love language and I know that. Or first or first, so I'm not always perfect, but I tried to go to the store, and, which is another thing.
Speaker 3:
Amy hates going to the grocery store, so it's just cause I've done it about 10,000 times over the last 20 years, so I'm like I want to show my girl how much I love her.
Speaker 2:
So one of the things I try to do is I try to go to the grocery stores often as possible and say babe, let me take care of this. I know you don't like going to the store. I got this cupboard and then I can buy her strawberries or raspberries for her, and that is another way that I show that I love her. So those are, I don't know.
Speaker 3:
Everyone listening or like. What are you talking about?
Speaker 2:
No, what I'm saying is those are ways that I try to show you that I love you. That aren't just telling you I love you. I try to show you by doing those things.
Speaker 3:
And they're very, it's very simple.
Speaker 2:
Simple things yeah.
Speaker 3:
They're simple.
Speaker 2:
And obviously there's more, but those are the two that just came to my mind right off the bat.
Speaker 3:
And the ways I try to show Nick that I love him and not just say it. I'm totally excited for these. What You're excited.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, I'm just excited to hear yeah.
Speaker 3:
Do you not think I do anything?
Speaker 2:
No, I didn't say that at all. You do I already. I'm anxious to see if you are going to say what I think you're going to say. Well, how you show me that you love me.
Speaker 3:
Okay, so well. I guess what we're trying to get to is that speaking your spouse's love language is how you show love Exactly. I mean that's. I mean we're not really talking about the love languages podcast, but that's kind of like the big key right.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, you find out what your spouse.
Speaker 3:
How they feel loved.
Speaker 2:
How they feel loved and you meet, they're loving that way.
Speaker 3:
So I try to be more physical touch. Not that I'm good at it, but if Nick's all over me, I just let him.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 3:
If he wants to hold hands, I let him. If he wants to give me a bag massage, that was a hard one, but I'll let him.
Yeah, so that's how I try to show love, and not just say it. And he says it way more, he's way better at saying it, but I try to show it.
Speaker 2:
Well.
Speaker 3:
I need to do better at saying it, though. So some couples have an issue with not saying it. So I actually had a comment on this post, and she's like oh, we don't ever say it because we don't believe the words mean anything. We just show it. But it's still important to say it too.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, but I think there's some truth to that. If you are constantly showing each other you love each other through your actions, it probably doesn't need to be said as much. It's still nice to do. But if you never said I love you, but you were showing me through the verb or actions, I'm going to know you love me.
Speaker 3:
I still think that you should say I love each other, to each other every day, like we always say I love you either when we leave the house or when we go to bed, like always, like that's just. Yeah, that's vital, I think.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Speaker 3:
I think couples could do a better job saying I love you and like 10 times better showing it probably.
Speaker 2:
So before you jump into the poll, I think what you're saying is figure out what your spouse's love language is and then express your love that way.
Speaker 1:
Sure.
Speaker 2:
Sure.
Speaker 1:
Sure.
Speaker 3:
Okay, well, I didn't take a poll, but I did a post that said I love you needs to be backed up with the way you treat your spouse, the way you prioritize your spouse, the tone you use your spouse and the respect you show your spouse. Those four things that's how you show love. Okay, so I didn't realize that was going to go viral. I said love isn't merely a four letter word. It's a profound emotion that thrives on actions more than words. So let's jump into the way you treat your spouse. I just I kind of broke it into those four categories, but treating your spouse is key every day to show that you love them. So when I think of treating your spouse with love, that's the way that you greet them, like in the morning, or when you're leaving the house, or the way that you express things to them and talk to them.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, I was going to say even the way you communicate that to them, especially, maybe, when you're in an argument, or you know things like that as well, just how you talk to your spouse.
Speaker 3:
Yeah, so that was number three. You jumped right to number three.
Speaker 2:
Oh, my bad my bad.
Speaker 3:
Let's go back, Well let's jump to number three the tone you use with your spouse. It's amazing how easily couples can disagree, have an argument, something resentful comes up and causes a disconnect right, and then they could start lashing at each other like getting frustrated what you never. You're just looking at me like that's never happened to me.
Speaker 2:
No, yeah, I mean I'm do you get frustrated? Yeah, I get frustrated, Absolutely I get frustrated.
Speaker 3:
I don't think Nick gets frustrated. I'm not gonna lie.
Speaker 2:
Can you hear my tone of voice?
Speaker 3:
No.
Speaker 2:
Didn't you sense the frustration of my tone of voice?
Speaker 3:
No, Nick has yelled at our kids one time in 20 years.
Speaker 2:
Not a yeller.
Speaker 3:
He's not a yeller, not a disagreeer.
Speaker 2:
Not a screamer.
Speaker 3:
He doesn't throw out words.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 3:
How okay?
Speaker 2:
So so, if you're so passive, and easy to get along with, then maybe, maybe my tone of voice should be harsher when it's not Like. Maybe I need to work on being more yelling, and you know. That's like anti like what am I trying to?
Speaker 3:
not teach. Oh, okay, okay so what I'm trying to say is that you're so, you really are so great at like keeping things calm, like you don't get upset, where a lot of husbands have anger issues. There's a lot of personalities that have anger issues.
Speaker 2:
Well, maybe there's some swearing going on in my head, but I don't let it out Like through my emotions.
Speaker 3:
Well, that's the point. Maybe you could give all the couples out there advice on how you keep calm when you're feeling a little heated.
Speaker 2:
Well, I don't know that I have any advice. I think a lot of it is just to do with my personality, but I also recognize that once you say something to your spouse, you can never take it back, and I do remember Amy and I having an argument and I said something that I shouldn't have, and I still can never take that back. So I think I think it's just more so like making sure I don't ever say something that I regret or can't ever take back once it comes out. So like maybe sometimes I just think of what I'm going to say before I say it and just be careful how I say it.
Speaker 3:
So what advice do you give to people that aren't very good at that? That aren't very good at that.
Speaker 2:
That aren't very good at that.
Speaker 2:
I think, well, I think, just you know, if you're in a heated moment, instead of just yelling and saying something, maybe go take a five minute breather and think about what you're going to say and, as we've talked about before, does it really have to be said? I mean, I think you know, sometimes you and I have disagreements or arguments and sometimes there are things that need to be said and sometimes there are things like I don't even need to say this or bring this up because it's going to cause an argument and that really there's no benefit of saying this or there's no benefit of me having to be right in this disagreement. Like sometimes, sometimes it's better just to not have the disagreement and say, yeah, you know what you're right and even if you're not, just so we don't have the disagreement.
Speaker 3:
Some personalities could not do that. Okay yeah, and I agree.
Speaker 2:
I agree, yeah, but I think we all have different personalities, so things are going to come out differently and we're going to handle conflict or love or things different ways, and that's okay too.
Speaker 3:
So it's fine for two people to have different person, for everyone to have different personalities. It's okay if you and your marriage fight and coral and that's healthy, right, it's the way you do it. But if there's like name calling or harsh words said or rude words said or disrespectful words, or or you just like shut the door or walk away, you you're immature when it comes to. I mean, those are the like. In those kind of moments is when we can really show love to, because the way you interact With your spouse, that person that you love, whether it's a disagreement moment or not, you're showing love in those kind of moments too.
Speaker 3:
That's, that's my point, like showing love in marriage, is how you act in good times and in bad times.
Speaker 2:
Yeah for sure Right Agreed.
Speaker 3:
So if there's some kind of disconnect happening, like during conflict in your marriage, sit down and be like how do we conflict better? How do we?
Speaker 2:
go listen to episode one. One one conflict resolution. Absolutely, that's a great one.
Speaker 3:
That is a great one. Okay, the way you prioritize your spouse. We're going to jump into prioritizing because the other day I caught a comment. We had posted something about there being 10,000 minutes in your week. If you can't spend 30 a day with your spouse, your priorities are wrong. And one of the very first comments I got was from a man who said Well, we, there's no way we have 30 minutes a day, then to find out that he has an hour and a half to drive to work, he has an hour at the gym and then he's so tired that he has to go to bed when he gets home.
Speaker 2:
Well, then he had X amount of time to go back and forth with you through Instagram.
Speaker 3:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I'm like Well, you're going back and forth with me on social media, so you're obviously on social media, so Prioritizing your spouse like I think we just need to step back and recheck what are we doing in our days to prioritize our spouse? Like, if you love your spouse, love is a verb Like you have to show your spouse love. I don't care if quality time is your love language or your spouse's love language or not.
Speaker 2:
You have to spend quality time together. If you're not spending quality time together, your relationship is not going to head in the right direction.
Speaker 3:
Every couple needs quality time every single day right.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, as often as you can, I mean. I know, every single day, yeah, I say this all the time, like go back to when you were dating. There's no way in the world you fell in love dating without quality time together. You were spending probably a lot of time together getting to know each other, and when you're married, you still continue to have to do that. You still have to continue to get to know each other and learn about each other and spend that time together.
Speaker 3:
Absolutely so I would say right now, if you're feeling like quality time is lacking in your marriage, to go sit down together, pull out your phones and look at your screen times.
Speaker 2:
Absolutely. That's scary. Every Sunday I get oh, your screen time is up or your screen time is down. I'm like holy crap, I spent that much time on my screen. Now we do a lot of work on our phone.
Speaker 3:
I do most of my work on my phone and my screen time was down an hour each day last week, which I was like oh good, but that's because I was sick. I didn't want to look at it. So if people have 30 minutes to an hour or two hours or three hours of screen time on their phone, that wasn't work related. Tell me how you don't have time.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, devote an hour of that to quality time together.
Speaker 3:
And if you have time to go to the gym, you have time to spend time with your wife. Take her to the gym with you or do something active together.
Speaker 2:
Do an exercise together at home.
Speaker 3:
Ooh, there you go. Or if you are too tired for some reason, you have got to take something off your plate. Like I know, work schedules can get crazy, but at least give yourself. I mean you're not working 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You still got weekends. I mean there's still time to make time for your spouse.
Speaker 2:
And that time. Maybe you need 20 minutes a day, maybe you need 30 minutes a day to find out what works for your marriage, but you say it's quality time, so maybe you crawl into bed.
Speaker 3:
don't turn on the TV, don't turn off your phones, put them in a different room and actually talk to each other and turn on your spouse. Turn on. Nick makes it sound so easy. Maybe your spouse doesn't want to get turned on. Maybe they just want to be listened to. Maybe they just want to be talked to.
Speaker 2:
That's what I meant is. It's totally what I meant. You totally misinterpreted what I meant. When I said turn on your spouse, I just meant engage with your spouse.
Speaker 3:
Maybe talk for 20 minutes and then make out for 20 minutes.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, I mean, if some turning on happens after that great.
Speaker 3:
Okay. The respect that you show your spouse is how you show love to your spouse. We're talking in the house and outside of the house, Around people, not around people Tips.
Speaker 2:
Oh, I just think it should be. I'm trying to get Nick to share some stories but he's kind of quiet today. Oh no, no, I'm not quiet, I'm just trying to think. I got put on the spot, so how?
Speaker 3:
Respect. Yeah, just talk just obviously talking very highly of your spouse Like what if you don't think very highly of your spouse at the moment?
Speaker 2:
Well, look for the positives Instead of saying the negatives, instead of saying, man, she's doing this or he's doing this, look for the positives and say you know, she's amazing in this way. Yeah, you gotta look for the positives. You could always find the positives. You're married to that person.
Speaker 3:
You should be able to find some positives. Absolutely, you should be able to find some positives. Yes.
Speaker 2:
So yeah just, you know, I always go back to like, if you your perception of things, if you're constantly speaking or nagging or speaking negatively about your spouse which I sure hope that's not happening you're gonna think that way. If you're looking for the positive in your relationship and with your spouse, then your perception of that is going to be a positive thing, absolutely. I just believe it really is Like what your perception is can really dictate how your life is.
Speaker 3:
Absolutely. I totally agree. I put ways to show your spouse I love you after saying it show affection.
Speaker 2:
Oh, I like that one yeah.
Speaker 3:
Show affection. Nick wants lots of affection.
Speaker 2:
I do. I'm more hi-mainest than Amy, for sure.
Speaker 3:
Like we talked about, Speak kindly to them at home.
Speaker 2:
So not, so not.
Speaker 3:
I'm not just talking to them like one-sided. I think this could go both ways. I think that we hear a lot about like women nagging or complaining or whining about so many things. You can ask multiple times for something, but it's the way you do it, I think. I think if couples would work on the way that they talk to each other, more more respectful tones and kindness like your spouse should be the person that you're more kind to than any person on this planet Like I don't understand why that's so hard.
Speaker 1:
Why is?
Speaker 3:
that so hard and I know certain personalities are probably super hard to live with.
Speaker 2:
Probably different personalities, I mean.
Speaker 3:
Personalities. But if you've got one of those hard personalities, you need this advice even more To put their needs first. Often we talk about that all the time, Like showing your spouse love, and this comes down to the love languages. You have to put your spouse's needs first sometimes.
Speaker 2:
Well, marriage is all based upon being unselfish, like if you're selfish in marriage it's just not gonna last. And so I think marriage in general it just requires both couples to be so unselfish, because it is all about serving and doing things that maybe you don't always wanna do, and you're doing things because of the love that you have for your spouse and your family.
Speaker 3:
Absolutely. And I still wanna just say that weekly marriage meeting is massive for couples. I really think that every couple needs to sit down, like on Sunday night or Monday night, just somewhere at the beginning or end of the week, and talk about the next week, like how can we do better? Where do you rate this aspect of our marriage? How can I speak your love language better this week? Like, what things can I do to help you more this week? What would make you feel more loved this week? Like, you have to have those conversations. Those are big.
Speaker 2:
Oh, absolutely.
Speaker 3:
Don't you think like having that conversation? We do a lot of this more on date nights.
Speaker 2:
Or in the shower like we shower together and have good conversations in the shower.
Speaker 3:
Yeah, being more intentional daily, more quality time, like we already talked about, that really literally takes putting your phone down, like people have got to put their phone down, like you have to create those boundaries sorry around phones. Like no dinner time, no phones at dinner time, maybe even like after 7pm, like you've got all day long. Just put them away for a certain amount of time. Kiss and hug and touch your spouse daily. I think we can be more intentional with this, like physical affection is huge for showing your spouse that you love them, whether you're physical affection or not, right.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, femi comes up to me and gives me a hug or a kiss and just grabs my butt or something like that, totally just I love it.
Speaker 3:
It doesn't happen very often, but when it does, Nick has told me, though if I do that, then he thinks I'm in the mood, wow yeah, but you can.
Speaker 2:
You can just say I'm not in the mood, but I wanted to cup a fill, or I wanted to grab that nice, or, you know, kiss your beautiful lips you know, you could just okay whatever just as long as you say, I'm not in the mood.
Speaker 3:
But I'm not in the mood, but yeah, I don't think what some people are gonna want to hear. That one I'm teasing. They know I'm teasing yeah, do you want me to read some of these, or yeah?
Speaker 2:
let's hear some of the comments. I think those are great.
Speaker 3:
All right, absolutely. Actions truly speak louder than words. In marriage, small gestures of love can make the biggest difference.
Speaker 2:
Thoughts yeah, I think actions do speak louder than words. We can say something all the time we could. We could say something, but they're not followed through. I mean, I think we've seen in our marriage for a time being where I told you what I think you wanted to hear, and I told you something and didn't follow through with my actions. And I think a lot of people do that. They they say what they think their spouse wants to hear, just and and maybe their intentions are good, my intentions were good, but still I didn't follow through on some of the actions, right, and so I think, yeah, actions absolutely speak way louder than words absolutely.
Speaker 3:
Um. Let's see someone said words can lie, but actions don't yeah, it's true yep.
Speaker 2:
I think that kind of says it all kind of says it all.
Speaker 3:
So this week try hard to show your spouse you love them on top of saying it not instead, but on top of saying it.
Speaker 2:
I'm gonna show you. I'm gonna show you how much I love you more than tell you.
Speaker 3:
Nick's gonna buy me more raspberries and I'm gonna initiate more. Oh, that's a win-win, that's perfect what does it mean in your marriage to show love more? I would love to hear like what that means to other couples, like I bet most men would say, I wish my wife would initiate more oh, yeah, like maybe, maybe maybe we needed to put do a poll on that yeah.
Speaker 3:
I'll be 90, okay, probably 98 percent of the husbands are saying I wish my wife would initiate more and the wives, I would guess, would say I would feel more loved by him cleaning the house doing more around the house, yeah that would be my guess except that doesn't make sense to me, because it's his house too. I know but that is how a lot of women like do. Express that they feel loved is a lot is by actions.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, more actions and maybe expressing more well and uh yeah, one of the things you could do as well too. We got Christmas coming up, so instead of just telling your wife Merry Christmas, you could purchase her a fantastic ultimate intimacy product which will show her how much you love her. And our products are great to to get each other in the mood, so and we have new Christmas cards we do.
Speaker 2:
We have scratch off cards. They are awesome. So and if you mention promo code UiApp or not mentioned, if you put that in check out, you're gonna get 10 off and free shipping, so you're gonna save money.
Speaker 3:
You can't, you can't afford not to buy some good ultimate intimacy products for your spouse if your spouse's love language is quality time or physical affection, they're gonna love the scratch off cards, and the initiating ones are even just massage, kissing, that kind of stuff, not even just making love.
Speaker 2:
So yeah, you get the benefit of both. So also go check out, um, our retreats our retreats going to be coming up here in what about five months? So if you want us, if you want to see how awesome the retreat is there's so much fun. Everyone that comes through the retreat says it's just the time of their life. So go check it out at ultimateinsimacycom slash retreats. Let us know if you have any questions and we hope to be able to meet each one of you there who want to come to the retreat. So we do have limited spots available. So check it out and, uh, there's spots available till we fill up. So, anyways, we hope you enjoyed the podcast and we hope each one of you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.