35. How Your Words Can Build or Destroy Intimacy

We often don't consider how what we say to our spouse can impact our emotional and physical intimacy as a couple, but what we say, and how we say it can have lasting effects for the positive or the negative. Are we expressing gratitude for the things our spouses do and the what we have, or are we looking at the negative things and allowing those to bring us down? Do we look at the glass as "half full" or "half empty" and how are we looking at our relationship with our spouse? Do we show respect by what we say to our spouse, or how we are communicating? Nick and Amy share some experiences and their thoughts on how our words can impact our intimacy.

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Transcript

Speaker 1:  you are listening to the ultimate intimacy podcast where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship. We believe that no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness, and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life, join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun. The ultimate intimacy podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
Speaker 2:  Hi and welcome to episode 35 of the ultimate intimacy podcast. We are nick and amy if you don't know already and we got a good episode today babe, don't we? This is a good one. So, I mean, are flying solo on this one? We don't have any guests but don't don't turn it off yet. This will be a good one. Um the episode today is titled how your words either build or destroy intimacy and oftentimes we don't think that, you know what we say can really have an impact on physical or emotional intimacy, but it does. I mean, in our marriage, just like even just being triggered or saying a saying something or a response or something that triggers things a little bit, definitely has an impact on, you know, how you're feeling, how the emotional intimacy is impacts the physical intimacy, That's a big deal. Absolutely.
Speaker 1:  Well, we kind of decided to hit on this topic from a personal experience that we had just last week and I shared that on social if you were already on there and saw it, but my daughter came home from a friend's house one night from a school friend and she just came in and really wanted to talk and she being, she's just young, but the fact that she noticed it and said something like really stood out to me, she thanked me for having a good marriage and being in a good example and speaking kindly to each other. She she had come home from a house that the parents yelled a lot and it affected her because she's not used to it here and she was just really grateful that we spoke to each other with kindness and with love even when we were upset and I know that everyone has different personalities. So this isn't like a guilty thing. Like it's okay to get mad and yell sometimes like that,
Speaker 2:  sometimes it's needed,
Speaker 1:  it's sometimes it is needed and nothing against that. But we do want to talk today just about
Speaker 2:  just be careful what you say, you
Speaker 1:  can't ever take your words back and the way that we treat our spouse, I think what hit me is that our Children are really, really paying attention and watching our every move as adults even when we don't think that they are. And I never realized that she was like paying such attention to that and then going other places and like seeing opposite and I don't know that really stood out to me that they're watching how we speak to each other
Speaker 2:  well and not only for the benefit of your Children, but also your spouse. Like you said, you can never take anything back. And I guarantee that there's things that we say as spouses that we don't forget or or things that are said to us is that we hold in for a long time. You know, we can't believe our spouse would say. And so we just, we need to be really careful how we talk to our spouse. And so we're going to cover some of those things today because it really does have a big impact on how your emotional physical intimacy together is going to be
Speaker 1:  so well. And so after she came home and shared that with me, I shared a post that said, talk to your spouse more kindly than you talked to anyone else in the whole world too often we speak too harshly to the ones that we love the most for some reason, that post went viral and got double what any other post, which was really interesting to me because obviously that quote was registering with people and I think sometimes like, just something like that, you're like, oh, that does make an impact in my marriage or my physical or emotional intimacy. Like, and we've talked to, you know, family members that are therapists and they say, you know, when you're with, like, I was talking to her one time when one of my kids, like, I always felt like my kid came home and unleash. And I'm like, everyone says she's perfect at school and her teachers and then she comes home and like freaks out on me and gets mad at me, and the therapist said, well that's because she's comfortable with you and I think that she can be yourself and express her feelings around you and that's good because you're her mom, that means you have a good relationship. And sometimes I feel like even in marriages are just in our families, people we just get comfortable, we get comfortable and then we just yeah, we can share and express our feelings in ways that we normally wouldn't do around other people and it should really be the opposite, don't you think? Absolutely. So, anyways, I just thought that was interesting that it went viral off a quote like that because it's really, I don't know, it's one of those things that kind of wakes you up and be like, wow, that really is impacting my marriage and it really is impacting kids, so we're going to focus on that, just how your words either build or destroy intimacy. And and number one is just remember that the power of respect between the two of you um Text and respectful communication are positive in any interaction, like the way we talk to each other either shows love or lack of love, I really feel like
Speaker 2:  that. Yeah. And even like something simple in like, let's just say doing the dishes, let's just bring that up for example, Okay. Even something as simple as that. There's maybe a right and a wrong way to ask the same question or to communicate the same thing
Speaker 1:  well. I could be like, oh my gosh, can you seriously not see that? There's a sink full of
Speaker 2:  dishes. Can you do that? There's been
Speaker 1:  plenty of days. I've thought
Speaker 2:  just you
Speaker 1:  just do the stupid dishes. I do it every single day. Or I could be like, honey, I'd really appreciate it if you could do the dishes today because I did them last night. Just that easy. Yeah. And you'd be like, yeah, sure honey. I would love to. But if I yell at you and I wrote about it, you're like, yeah,
Speaker 2:  exactly. And then I'm pissed off the rest of the day. Like everyone
Speaker 1:  is in a bad news right? What's her problem? Yeah. Yeah. So and not just the way that we ask things in our marriage, but the tone of voice can sometimes speak louder than the words.
Speaker 2:  Yeah. So just be very mindful of how you're communicating. Uh, you know, your needs or your issues or what have you. And we've talked about this a few episodes back the book, the 80 80 marriage. Um amy and I read that and again, that was a fantastic book. So if you feel like you want some good ideas or, or you know better ways to communicate things, That's a fantastic book to read.
Speaker 1:  Yes, that was a great resource. Um, if you just think for a minute, like how natural and easy it was to be kind and talk kindly to your spouse when you first met and then how easy it is to kind of slip out of that during the year. So we get used to each other and comfortable around each other and like you said, just just realizing is the first step is, oh, maybe I do talk to you a little too harshly or maybe I could change my tone of voice. That really makes a big impact on your intimate life For
Speaker 2:  sure. I think another thing is, you know, focus on the positive and not the negative. I think it's so easy in marriage to look at all the little things that may bother us or the negative things that are spouse, maybe we feel our spouse does and we're so focused on the negative that we forget about all the positive, you know, how do we look at things? Do we look at the glass half full or half empty? And I think that's such, such an important thing uh, to consider as well to, um, if you're looking at the negative things are looking for the negative things, you're surely going to find them. I mean a great example. I mean we have someone that's pretty close to us and you look at their life and you're like, man, they have pretty much everything going for him that people were trying to accomplish financially there in fantastic shape, healthwise, they're in really good shape. Um They just, I guess everything that you look at that most people are trying to achieve in their life, they have a great marriage, great spouse, you're just like man, most people would dream of having being financially set, having a great marriage, having great health, and you just look at him, you're like, man, this should be the happiest people in the world and they are they are going through or one of the spouses is going through something um that it is hard, but their their attention is solely focused on that negative thing and you can see it affecting every other aspect of their life and here they are, here they are, I guess you could say risking everything that's good in their life because their attention is so focused on that one negative thing and we all have problems in our life, we all have issues, we all have things that were going through. Um but I think if we can focus on the positive things that we have, that that in itself is just going to completely change our attitude. Um so try focusing on the positive things that your spouse does, um say positive things to them and it doesn't mean you just forget about all the negative things, but just be mindful of how you talk about or or I guess bring up the negative things.
Speaker 1:  Well this is just like a little sample of something that you know in day to day marriage life, we can be annoyed by little things, right? It's pretty easy. You're not annoyed by anything. No, never. I was actually going to share personal. Oh okay. So like a like a month ago I made the bed like six times in a row and I was like why can he not make the bed? I don't think I was the last one out of the bed the whole time. But we had never really communicated about it. I'm just sharing my feelings. Here we go ready nick, doesn't know this. And then you make the bed a couple days in a row and you like pull the sheets off so like the mattress is like hanging out right? And so I'm just like, are you kidding me? Like it looks so freaking bad. Like why would you even do it when it looks that bad? Like the mattress is totally exposed. And then after a couple of days I thought you know what? He's trying, he didn't notice that he's and maybe it's a man thing. I don't know, he doesn't care. But you put the pillows the way I like it when you tried your hardest. So then I decided I really caught myself and I said I need to change my mindset and instead of thinking I can't believe the mattresses showing, I'm like I couldn't walk over to the bed, be grateful that you did all the other work, pull the blanket down over the bed just a few inches so that's covered. I'd be grateful that you saved me like three minutes. So every time like this morning you made the bed and there's blankets all over it but I'm like okay I'm just going to take a minute straighten out the way I want it and be grateful that he tried his very hardest and I think instead of getting annoyed like he said that the little things just try to focus that they're trying their hardest or maybe they just need to be reminded about something or like you said just focusing on the positive which is leads us to our next
Speaker 2:  thing. Oh man, I'm glad that wasn't too big,
Speaker 1:  you know what do you know what I mean? Things like and some wives are probably listening like my husband would never make the bed, I can't even believe you're complaining about that but we're both home together all day long like our situation is a little different than most so we're both kind of tag teaming all the household responsibilities all the time but like like the dishes or anything else like those little things that upset us like they don't need to upset us if we focus on a more positive aspect,
Speaker 2:  yep, I like it.
Speaker 1:  Do you have anything you want to know?
Speaker 2:  I don't have anything that was totally perfect. Can't send anything better the way you presented. It was just perfect like, Oh no, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 1:  Open communication.
Speaker 2:  Open communication. That's right. Always
Speaker 1:  gratitude. So I just expressed thank you for trying to make the bed so lovely today. I really appreciate that and I should do better at telling you that. So be more grateful to your spouse.
Speaker 2:  Yeah, that's going to make a comment, but I won't know that. No, I, I honestly believe that being ungrateful is probably one of the worst sins or things that we can do when we're ungrateful for things. Um others to our spouse or to God or whatever. Um that, that I think in my opinion is one of the biggest sins. So I think if we can be more grateful for the things that we do have the things that are spouses do do for us, um be grateful for just everything we have in our marriage and our life and again, getting back to focusing on the positive. I really think it's just all and it's all such a perception of things to like just changing our perception of how we see things can clearly change our attitude and the way we look a life in general.
Speaker 1:  It's really simple if you, it's really simple to just tell your spouse thank you. Like, like we on Saturdays nickel do the outside while I'm doing the kitchen and some of the inside work, you know, we kind of try to split things up and I'm just saying, you know, honey thank you so much for doing a great job on the yard this week. It looks amazing. Like that really makes you smile
Speaker 2:  in our yard does look amazing. Bike looks better. It does. We've been here, we've been in our house like 40 years and it's always looked pretty, pretty bad and I've
Speaker 1:  always never done a good job of, because it doesn't look
Speaker 2:  bad sucks. What's
Speaker 1:  wrong? You still worked really hard on it. So I have admitting that I could have been a little bit like you're trying really hard to make the grad scream. It looks so good. Well
Speaker 2:  lots of fertilizer and rain and different things get rain. God pretty much made the, it was, it was bad,
Speaker 1:  It looks great now. Um understanding is at the heart of a loving relationship. I think it's really important to realize that when we have some kind of disagreement in our marriage that we need to kind of look at where spouses coming from. We need to try to see their point of view and that can really change things instead of, I always being all about the other person.
Speaker 2:  Yeah, no, that's a good point because a lot of times we don't understand like how our spouses day has been, you know what they're going through in their life and so sometimes when, you know, they say something or you know, maybe you say something that we take the wrong way or what have you, we got to understand, you know what they're going through and why they're feeling that way and like we always talk about, you know, just good communication, communicating about, you know what what each other's going through, how your day has been just really having that open line of communication
Speaker 1:  and I think like if you're in the situation where the wife's or the mom is home all day with kids and the husband's gone working and he comes home, he stressed and he's tired, which is understandable, we've been there too, and the house is kind of a mess, the kids dinner's not ready, whatever the husband could come and be like holy crap, what the heck happened here, what have you done you down all day because I felt like that some days or just it's a bomb and you're like, I didn't get five minutes of clean up right before you walked into, it looked like I did something, but I worked my butt off with the kids all day because it was nonstop and constant been there done that, you know, so the way that you can approach your spouse, like it looks like you kind of had a rough day, is there something I can
Speaker 2:  do to help you can get just go pick up dinner somewhere tonight to make it easier? I mean there's so many there's so many easy ways to approach it and just
Speaker 1:  communicate with love. Yeah.
Speaker 2:  Well and I think too, you know just the way again the way you communicate um is just going to really have a huge impact on on that connection you have as a couple for sure.
Speaker 1:  Um also in the 80 80 marriage book that we were just talking about, it talks about after like when you're having a disagreement and argue how important the power of touches and just connecting with touch like as fast as you possibly can which was probably our favorite aspect of the book. But um it really is super important to not brush your partner off and and do that silent treatment understanding away or whatever to just show them that even if you're having a disagreement or an argument, you know just putting your hand on their shoulder or grabbing their hand and being like we can get through this.
Speaker 2:  I know frank. Yeah I know for Amy and I and I'm sure a lot of other couples are like this is if we have a disagreement or I've said something or she said something that would take offensive. The natural thing we want to do is totally disconnect and go further apart and give each other distance and I think that isn't the right thing to do. Um it's like a me saying you know keep that connection you know, go give each other a hug and just really, really try to stay connected in in every aspect if he can.
Speaker 1:  And, you know, our title is um have your words either build or destroy your intimacy and when you talk to each other without that love, that the last thing you want to do is usually touch each other or go be intimate with each other. So it really is a big power of how you are treating each other and talking to each other in the tones that you're using with each other. Makes a big difference.
Speaker 2:  I couldn't agree more.
Speaker 1:  So I guess to wrap it up is like your kids are watching and they're taking it in and the really pay attention to your marriage. And the best gift that you can ever give your Children is to give them a good example of a good marriage.
Speaker 2:  Yeah, I agree. And again, you know, just in our in our relationship, the times where we've been maybe not as good about what we say or how we say something and maybe focusing more on the negative, there's definitely a big impact on our intimacy, both emotionally and physically. And so just really uh okay, and try to try to be mindful of what you're saying and how you're acting and treating each other and the words that you're expressing and really try to do it in a loving way and focus on the positive instead of the negative and I think you'll see a big change in in your relationship. So, So this was a short one. We didn't uh
Speaker 1:  well it's pretty long, right? It's pretty straightforward. Just pay attention to the way you talk to each other, show respect and love like talk, talk to yourself the way that you want to be talked to, that's really what it comes down to you want to, you know, a good godly marriage. It's all about love and your spouse should be the number one person that you show the most love towards. So be careful with your words,
Speaker 2:  we love that you guys, you know, get on and participate in our polls that we do because it really gives us a good idea of what people want to hear and what people want us to talk about and discuss and what kind of guests uh to have on. So keep keep doing that, keep sharing with us what you guys want to hear is talk about the things that are struggling or going through or what you feel can you know, you need in your marriage to make it better and reach out to us whether through instagram or through emails. So it's
Speaker 1:  emails amy at ultimate intimacy dot com and this episode is sponsored by Alternate Tennessee. Really? Yeah. And if you haven't checked out our new libido pills, they rock, they do rock, they rock, their 100% natural herbs, they rock,
Speaker 2:  check them out until next time. Thanks so much.
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