LOTE:The Power of Emotional Intelligence in Handling Emotional Abuse

Episode 144: LOTE: The Power of Emotional Intelligence in Handling Emotional Abuse

In episode 144 of the Sober Vibes podcast, it's Livin on the El-Ledge series, and today Courtney and Kimberly talk about the power of emotional intelligence in handling emotional abuse.

What you will learn in this episode:

• Reactive abuse 
• Emotional Intelligence
• Handling emotional abuse
• Emotional abuse can happen in any relationship

Thank you for listening.

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Transcript

Courtney Andersen: 0:02

This is Courtney. This is Kimberly. You are listening to the show within the show Living on the El Edge. Come live with us.

Kimberly Elledge: 0:10

We're talking about the road to recovery and sobriety and how to vibe and maintain a happy and healthy lifestyle.

Courtney Andersen: 0:22

Hey, welcome to the Soberbikes podcast. It is the show within the show Living on the El Edge Day. Sister, what's up there might be. It might sound like Kim's a little bit far away because she had a dial into this recording.

Kimberly Elledge: 0:39

We're having some technical difficulties over here.

Courtney Andersen: 0:43

Right, it's okay. Yeah, it's okay. So Kim dialed in and, but we're looking at each other, aren't we, sissy? Yep, we sure are Video to film. Yeah, so it's been a minute since Sissy and I have brought you an episode. I guess our last episode was in July. God, what do we talk about? Are you serious? Yeah, you've been through a lot. Well, I mean, we talk every day, but for the pod, well, I mean, you were traveling.

Kimberly Elledge: 1:15

I don't even know.

Courtney Andersen: 1:16

I don't even know what we talked about anyways, but what we're going to talk about today on today's podcast episode, as my sister and I have been talking and this conversation always gets brought up in our combos it's about reactive abuse.

Kimberly Elledge: 1:34

Reactive abuse.

Courtney Andersen: 1:36

Because reactive abuse is a motherfucker. Yeah, it really is, and toxic and manipulative people bet on, it, okay, they need it for that Right, because you are a real profession when it comes to this topic. So why don't you explain what reactive abuse is?

Kimberly Elledge: 1:59

So reactive abuse is when someone's pretty much baiting you and is poking you, poking you, poking you and you're trying to show all the signs of emotional intelligence that your therapist has taught you. And I mean, we're all fucked in human beings and everybody has a breaking point. So when you finally react to the abuse and the bullshit and then everything gets fun on you and you end up being the quote unquote crazy one, that's some bullshit.

Courtney Andersen: 2:38

Who are the types of people, though, who initiate the reactive abuse or initiate this? Who are the people Narcissists, could you say some narcissist?

Kimberly Elledge: 2:53

And and toxic people, you know, not just narcissists, but narcissists, I find, totally depend on people being reactive, you know. So it gives them like a window to excuse any of their behavior and then they just totally deflect from whatever was taking place. It's a real son of a bitch.

Courtney Andersen: 3:16

Right, and would you also say two people with some mental health issues? Could you know like borderline personality disorder? Maybe two could use 100%. Alcoholics yeah, yeah.

Kimberly Elledge: 3:33

Yeah. I mean it's sick people, I mean, it's a, it's a manipulation tactic. So you know, for people, to anybody who's not trying to take any accountability or ownership of the things that they've done, you know.

Courtney Andersen: 3:52

Right, well and but reactive. Reactive abuse, though, would also go under like gaslighting stone walling.

Kimberly Elledge: 4:04

Gaslighting, stone walling circulates in, like all of it.

Courtney Andersen: 4:09

Oh, what's what's circulation? It's like I'm sorry.

Kimberly Elledge: 4:14

I was looking at Drexel. I was thinking about how cute he was. I meant triangulation.

Courtney Andersen: 4:19

Okay.

Kimberly Elledge: 4:20

Like when you're like using another person to like it's like a cycle to like get you upset A third person party.

Courtney Andersen: 4:35

It's not fun, no, but so how, though, do you break it? How do you break not being a part of reactive abuse?

Kimberly Elledge: 4:47

Well, it is. I think you have to realize that you're in a friendship, a relationship, a partnership, family dynamics. I think first you have to realize that you're in an abusive situation and understand the psychology of what's going on. So a lot of times, until you figure that out, it's like you're already real deep in it. But once you do, are made aware of it and it's happening, you know, like you, and seeing the signs of how things are playing out in the conversation, you just it's hard, it's hard.

Kimberly Elledge: 5:28

It took me years to not to not be reactive and I'm certain, and be like that, not just in my you know my last relationship, but also with people like in society or at work or you know. Now I'm at a point where I'm reacting less and just like not engaging, because a lot of these way people are man, I'm like come to a place where it's like that just shows more about them and less about me. It doesn't have a shift to do with me. So like to get myself all amped up and worked up and react. I just like don't have it in me anymore to to get in there like that. I mean I will if it's some fuck shit, but I really try not to, because, as you know, it's mean like I kind of like when I go hard, I go hard If it gets real and then I always end up being purple.

Courtney Andersen: 6:30

Well, yeah, because you articulate yourself and you're really good with going with fucking where it hurts people and their testicles. But but I do have to say I think as you get older and you have been a product of you know of, you've been on the receiving end of some type of an emotional abuse relationship, whether it be a partner, a parent, a sibling, a friend you just get tired and, as you said, as you get older, you just don't want. It's like I'm just wasting my breath because I see you for who you are and what you're trying to do, and I recognize this because I have worked on myself and I'm not putting up with the bullshit anymore. So, like me trying to explain, get you to see a side, it's never going to happen.

Kimberly Elledge: 7:26

Yeah, you got to like manage your expectations with people right, but, like, like you said, you just get like tired, like I don't want to have to explain and, you know, have somebody try to see something from my side or try to get somebody to get a case of act right, like if they don't got it, they don't got it. You know, if they're not treating me right, then it's like. Now I'm at the point where, all right, that doesn't really, that doesn't fit. You know that's not going to work for me. Our morals don't align with each other.

Kimberly Elledge: 8:02

And I don't you know? You can't just be out of here treating people any, any fucking way.

Courtney Andersen: 8:08

Well, you can, and if that's your own, if that's your own, if that's how you want to live your life, that's how a person wants to let their life, they're going to keep doing it.

Kimberly Elledge: 8:21

Yeah, you're right, you can, but I'm not here to explain how to be a civilized human being anymore.

Courtney Andersen: 8:28

Yeah, well, I do say I have seen that growth in you in the past couple of years of where you stopped like wanting other people to see your side and just where it's just like there's no need to because in the end, when you realize who you're dealing with, it's just it's a waste of breath.

Kimberly Elledge: 8:48

Yeah, it's a waste of breath, it's a waste of time, Like can't do it anymore. Sister.

Courtney Andersen: 8:55

No, I get it.

Kimberly Elledge: 8:57

No, thank you. Yeah. So with the, with the reactive abuse, yeah, it's a vicious cycle and I really think like that comes with, unfortunately, like a lot of practice on how not to you know how not to like go off the deep end. But, like I say, man, we're all human beings and everybody has their breaking point. So you know, when you're invested time and feelings and think that someone you know cares about you in any type of relationship you're engaging in, so when someone's like fucking with you, so bad, like at some point, like I'm also a fucking G and gonna stick up for myself, but usually it goes very south for the person who is reacting because they're being conditioned and they're being baited on it. So the abuser is, is betting on it and well, for the most part, typically make it happen because they know what to do and it's a it's a fixed game, you know.

Kimberly Elledge: 10:08

So it just comes down to the point where at some point it's like all right, this person is clearly fucking with me and if they supposedly care or love me, why would they want me activated in any type of way? Like what the fuck is happening? Right, you know right. So then it gets to the point where it's like, all right, man, you want me all pissed off? Which someone who I care about? I want them to have a great fucking day. I don't want them, like you know, I don't want them mad or upset or, you know, like anything bad. So so it comes down to the point where it's like this person clearly doesn't give a fuck and needs me to play my part in a certain type of way, so they don't look like the asshole and it just. And then you know, you go, ham, do whatever react, however, and it's just, it's disgusting, it's fucking a disgusting manipulation tactic there's a special, like oh, for people who use that one.

Courtney Andersen: 11:19

Well, yeah, I mean that's why it's very it's supposed to feel crazy. I mean, I was in a situation like that a couple of years back with a gal pal and it took me a while to see it and then when I started understanding terms like you know, like gaslighting, and in all of that I was like, oh my God, I was bamboozled.

Kimberly Elledge: 11:45

Yeah, it's like you a minute to like get there, to took you a minute to get there. You know, to realize what was going on.

Courtney Andersen: 11:53

Yeah, and then there's definitely to. When you see that and when you're in it, then there's like a process of like you know it's a grieving process. Then you get angry, you get, you get sad, you know, questioning like your own sanity and just being like, oh man, I'm bummed. That happens, because this can happen in friendships for sure, it can happen in any type of relationship. And then there was like some healing you have to do afterwards to understand personality like that and understand what happened to you and also to forgive yourself for being treated that way.

Kimberly Elledge: 12:35

Yeah and allowing the behavior.

Courtney Andersen: 12:37

Yeah, and allowing the behavior, because that was one of those situations, because you know, I got pushed into a corner where then I fucking, I fucking exploded and just told this person I had to tell this person to shut the fuck up so I could finish, because I kept getting cut off and cut off, and cut off, and so I got pushed into the corner and told this person to shut the fuck up, and then it was what happened to you and I was like bitch, I'm trying to talk like that, you're not letting me talk. So in that was just like this person said, like six, seven times what happened to you, like well, you poked me. That's what happened to me.

Kimberly Elledge: 13:21

Yeah, you've been fucking with me forever, and now I've had enough.

Courtney Andersen: 13:25

Yeah, like I've had enough and I'm not some fucking kid Like, and I think that that's too where that's very hard for especially to for personalities like that and if there's an age difference, for them to see you like, dude, I'm not this fucking kid, I'm a goddamn adult, so treat me as an adult.

Kimberly Elledge: 13:52

Well, yeah, she was trying to bulldoze and she had been thinking that she had control of that friendship. For how long you guys have been friends. And when you finally started to like fucking get hip to the game and realize what kind of fucking animal you were dealing with, you know, she resorted to those kind of manipulation tactics and it's like like she's like fucking holding her pearls and gasping like oh, I can't believe you talk to me like that. Like what's happened to you? Like, bitch, what what are you saying? Like nothing's happened to me. I've allowed you to dictate the scenario for fucking ever. And now that I'm like using my words and giving you a little pushback, you don't like it. Sorry, the jig is up. I realized you're a goddamn sociopath, period.

Courtney Andersen: 14:43

Yeah, and I think that that's what's happened. What happens to people who are in some type of an emotionally abusive relationship, whether it be whoever, that they realize that the dynamic is changing and then that is where that type of behavior comes out where it is, then gets into that reactive abuse, because the game is not being played in their favor anymore.

Kimberly Elledge: 15:12

No, so they have to get back control.

Courtney Andersen: 15:16

So it just all comes down to a control thing, huh.

Kimberly Elledge: 15:20

It sure does.

Courtney Andersen: 15:22

Yup.

Kimberly Elledge: 15:23

They're following my behave, like you've been conditioned to behave, and if not, then there's going to be a lot of different tactics and narcissistic punishments and manipulation, moves and deflecting and a lot of things are going to happen and if you don't know what you're dealing with, you're going to sit there and feel like you are fucking crazy. But when you finally figure it out, it is the best and the way that sometimes you have to deal with personalities like that. Sometimes you do, and I mean, like, be it in a work environment, in life there are so many different people and how people are, but for the most part I choose not to because I can't. It's so much work and I'm done playing people's bullshit.

Courtney Andersen: 16:25

So unless you're like emotionally intelligent and know how to communicate and use your words and actually want good for your friend, your partner, your wife, your husband, your kid, your parents, like then I just can't fuck with you because I don't have it in me anymore to fall in line and be conditioned and play a part in someone's life Like those days are over, I'm done, but this is where, when you start getting healthier, when you start getting healthier, this is where you grow and you're not willing to put up or be in any type of relationship or continue to play that part, even if you still continue a relationship like, let's just say, this is like your mom or a sister, right, like you still continue to be in the relationship, but it looks a lot different now and that's why boundaries come into play.

Courtney Andersen: 17:23

But, like you know, whether it's a friendship or relationship that you leave, a partnership, that it's just like as you grow to be healthier, you don't attract people like that anymore in your life because you see the flags and it's not easy for them to come in and prey upon weak, exactly Because it's a predatory thing too.

Kimberly Elledge: 17:53

Yeah, at 100%, is you know? So you know, and it comes down to just like loving yourself, I think you know, and having confidence and having a healthy mindset. Because when you have a healthy mindset, when you start to see those like red flags, you're not going to accept them anymore and you're like, oh fuck, that's actually not chill at all, like no, thank you. And then you know I mean people make mistakes, whatever. I get that. But then when you start seeing a pattern of behavior, you're like, oh, this isn't just like you know whatever. This is actually like a pattern of behavior and who you are.

Kimberly Elledge: 18:35

So and you got to like you got to look at how people are treating you. But if someone's like pushing you to the point where they need you to react to get out of their own bullshit, like that's a problem and it's fucking hella abusive and it's not okay, you know. So if someone needs to poke you and poke you and poke you, so you look like the fucking insane one, like what is hap? What are we doing here to each other people? That's just, that's crazy. There's enough shit going on in the world and internally with people to where, like you, want to fucking trigger someone and make them lose their mind, like and sit back and watch and like, enjoy the show. That's crazy to me, that is crazy.

Courtney Andersen: 19:21

But that's how sick people sick people are.

Kimberly Elledge: 19:26

Fucking demented people man.

Courtney Andersen: 19:28

Well, yeah, but this kind of topic that we're talking about too, it's like it goes back into where people can be triggered, where then, and triggered in such a way, where then you can relapse and have a setback, and because that type of an emotional abuse it really is, it's like you got the fucking, you got the blanket pulled over your head, man. Yeah.

Kimberly Elledge: 19:56

And that's why, when you're in like early recovery or like in recovery too, it's like so important to be so mindful of who is in your circle engaging with, because that kind of behavior out of someone can push you to, you know, and push over the edge, like all the way over the edge. So you just have to be like super mindful about the type of people. But it's hard too, because in beginning recovery, like you're not, it's like you're, you're getting sober, you know. So like all the mental and healing stuff that comes like next, that's not right off the rip, like you stop using. And then you're like, oh, I'm a reform person, I'm changed Like fuck, that you got to unlearn, like years and years and patterns of behavior and toxic traits that you, that you exhibited, you know, you got to unlearn all of that. So you got.

Kimberly Elledge: 20:57

It's like takes a while, takes a long time to like get there mentally. For me it took a while, you know. Some people might whatever, but for me it took a minute, you know. And then I started like seeing, like how my dynamic of friendships and relationships and my placeholder and our family dynamic. It took me a while to see, like like my place in people's lives and it was that was triggering, that was jarring. It's like, oh, my God, you know, but I I had nobody to blame but myself. And then when you start putting down boundaries with people and and like using your words and articulating yourself in a fucking like one from a place of sobriety and two from a place of emotional intelligence when you played a certain role and been a certain way for so long, people don't like that, they don't like it. So you end up losing some relationships, which is fine, cause, like that's fine, it doesn't serve you anymore, but it's fucking wild.

Courtney Andersen: 22:17

It is, it's wild. Do you want to tell your story about Fatima yesterday?

Kimberly Elledge: 22:25

I think I did reactive abuse yesterday.

Courtney Andersen: 22:30

Yeah, I think you did reactive abuse yesterday because you were pushed, but that was because somebody was on your steps of your home. This is where this conversation came from, where I was like, oh, kimmy, this would be a great topic for the podcast, because she explained to me what happened to her yesterday morning.

Kimberly Elledge: 22:47

Yeah. So I'm sleeping like a little angel and you guys all know I suffer still from real pedantomnia, so I was up all night. So I'm finally getting some sleep. I'm in some REM and I wake up. I thought I was dreaming and someone's just pounding on my door like they're the fucking police. I was like what is happening? And then I had the audacity to start ringing my doorbell like a crazy person. So little Drexel really.

Kimberly Elledge: 23:16

What got me up was Drexel was. He doesn't like being woken up from his nap either. So he's like going batshit and I spring out of bed. I don't have any pants on. So I run downstairs and I'm like who is it? And it's nobody says anything. So I come downstairs and I was like who is it? And it's a chick on the other side of my door. She's like I have a question for you and I said okay, who is it? So he doesn't really tell me.

Kimberly Elledge: 23:46

I look up people. There's like a car that's parked like in my driveway, like fucking sideways, like this bitch pulled up. The door's still open. So I'm thinking like one. It makes me nervous when people pop it up like that because I think like maybe it's my sister or my fucking dad. And they're coming over here because I'm not answering my phone, because I'm like sleeping, you know.

Kimberly Elledge: 24:10

And so when I see some random girl, so I open the door, drexel's like trying to get out and I'm like, yeah, girl, from what's up? And she's like have you gotten any of my mail? And I was like I'm sorry, and she's like my mail. She's like I'm waiting for my nursing license. I used to live here, blah, blah, blah. And I was like I just woke up. So I was a little confused and I was like I have not. And I was like the only thing that I've gotten is something from the post office. So the did not like that answer.

Kimberly Elledge: 24:43

So then she like stepped forward to try to like come in my house. I was like girl, I don't like to have any. But I just woke up, you know. So we were like going back and forth. I said I can take down your phone number and like if I get anything I can call you. She's like so what you're telling me is that you haven't gotten any mail, like. And she was just being like so combative and aggressive. So finally I like I had had enough, because I told her like fucking six times that I haven't gotten her mail, like she just couldn't believe it. And she was invading my personal space and it was weird Like people are fucking weird out here, so I didn't know if, like someone's in the car, they're trying to bum rush my. I mean I've been on a trip to the street so you know when my head I'm thinking everything is like a hustle. Still, you know, people are trying to for me, for my riches, or steal my dog or like something I don't know.

Courtney Andersen: 25:40

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Kimberly Elledge: 31:28

So she's still going back, she's being aggressive. And I was like, look, I fucking snap. And I was like I don't really like how you're coming at me. Like this is fucking way too much. I'm a good person. If I fucking get something, I will holler at you. Like I had to get real stern. And when I finally had to speak back, like the look on her face she was like disgusted that I was speaking to her that way. And I was like but this bullshit at work people talking to me like this, like I'm not doing it in my own fucking house. Like I will let you know I don't steal mail, I want you to get your nursing license. But like you like fuck off, you are way too aggressive. At night, in the morning, I was like you fucking too much. I don't remember when I but I went ham, uh-huh, just was not. Then she was trying to like come in my house.

Courtney Andersen: 32:23

Yeah, that's a lot for 9 am. But yeah, you were pushed because she wasn't listening and didn't because some, because people don't take the pause, sister.

Kimberly Elledge: 32:31

Yeah, she wasn't taking the pause and she just like, was not. She was not accepting what I was telling her.

Courtney Andersen: 32:38

Right, but and then here's the react. Okay, this is just an assumption, but the reason but we were. We have a pretty good read on people. She came in hot because it could have been a case of she waited till the last minute and needed that nursing license and was just dumbfounded that this was happening to her on a casual goddamn tuesday morning and she wasn't getting her way.

Kimberly Elledge: 33:04

No, she wasn't getting her way, but you're not going to come in fucking room like. That's how I woke up and it was.

Kimberly Elledge: 33:11

It was more aggressive than how I'm like. You know, yesterday I I articulated it pretty well, but it was it was just aggressive and her vibe was just like so toxic and for some reason she just was triggering the fuck out of me and I just, you know, off the way, I was kind, I was like I was patient, I was listening, even though I was on the defense, and then she kept cutting me off and and just was, she was a rude bitch and Then I gave her but then I matched energy and she didn't like that and like was the fucking Grasping her pearls and and all that she was being talked to, like that. And then I slammed the door in her face because I had had enough.

Kimberly Elledge: 33:55

I wish she would have kicked her no, I would have went to I can't court. Yeah, I can't get any more court cases.

Courtney Andersen: 34:04

Oh man, yeah, she wasn't having it, but that's a perfect example to going back to reactive abuse like and then just be kind to people. You get so much more out you get. If people would understand, if you were nice, you would get so much more out of life. I'm being serious, like, in that situation cool, cool, fatima, I will take down your name and number, like, and that's all that had to happen.

Kimberly Elledge: 34:33

I want to let her in and made her cup coffee. Like right on up, let's take this out. And but like the way and cool enough, fuck is pounding on someone's door like that like Courtney, I thought I was gonna open the door is gonna be a grown man, like how her little myth was making that much noise. I was like what in the fuck? And then I'm woding on my doorbell, like are you okay? I think I asked her. That was like are you okay? Like is that what it's happening down here? It was chaos, yeah, chaos you gotta get one.

Courtney Andersen: 35:12

Will you get one of those? What are they? Will you get a ring? So next time Fatima comes, you just say be gone, bitch.

Kimberly Elledge: 35:21

I just popped your through the doorbell. I'm never answering the door for you again on your knock alone. You disrespectful asshole. I was that was too much. Started my day off real like jarring.

Courtney Andersen: 35:37

I wasn't right all, but that's also too like having that energy from a stranger. That's the whole thing. It jarred you to your little core and it just didn't feel right. But but like how that felt to you yesterday and your time and healing of then, you know, being in a type of relationship like that, isn't it crazy. How then you're like god, did I feel like this all the time?

Kimberly Elledge: 36:04

I just feel like that all the time, like just like, uh, jarred and upset and like it rattled me and I'm just like Jesus Christ, like people are fucking wild and how do you think you're gonna get any type of help? Or like, and you know what, the old me, the toxic me. If I didn't have that bitch's nursing certificate and she came at me like that, I would have fucking ripped you up in front of her like but I'm willing to. I would have been like you don't come over to someone's home and start talking to people like I'm your fucking. She looked bougie too. She looked very rich. I was like I'm not your fucking, I'm not the help man. Like why are you speaking to me this way? Yeah, she was wild and no personal space. Like she was in my doorway and I'm like all fucking my hair. I probably looked insane. I told her I was like girlfriend. I worked in like nights, like I was sleeping. What the fuck.

Courtney Andersen: 36:59

Yeah, then she disrespect. She disrespected your sleep too, in your home with one foot in the door.

Kimberly Elledge: 37:06

She did dude, and I don't sleep. So I was pissed that I woke up, because then I, you know, it's like, then I can't go back to sleep, right, I was like so. Then I was like oh no, fatima, now we are enemies and I don't even know you.

Courtney Andersen: 37:23

Yeah, and I mean, we don't even know it, we just call her Fatima because that's her first Name. So there could be a thousand Fatimas out there, we don't. We don't know which one.

Kimberly Elledge: 37:35

Oh, I do. I got her last name because I fucking wrote it down, but I can't say it because Fatima is like a Karen and was Sue us. But fuck her, that was rude.

Kimberly Elledge: 37:46

I don't know if that was like a reactive abuse, because I mean like I reacted but I don't know, I don't think she was like prodding me, you know what I mean. Or I definitely reacted to her bullshit and then she definitely looked at me like I was crazy. She just had no social awareness and or manners, so she got. She got what was coming, because by the end, after like going round and round and round, and when she questioned me the Sixth time, I was like bitch, I don't know what part you're not listening to, like I don't know what's happening here or what you're not hearing, but I don't have any man. I don't have any mail. Like I said, I got something from the club. Stop is a change of address. Fatima, if I get something, I'll call you.

Courtney Andersen: 38:34

Oh man, just some casual stories from the streets.

Kimberly Elledge: 38:39

I mean this bitch pulled up though, because, like her audio was like sideways in my fucking driveway. I was like Jesus christ, the fast and the furious is here and is taking no prisoners. This bitch needs to nurse my son. Right and you're gonna be. And then my other thought was you Unhinged piece of shit, You're gonna be a nurse. Oh my god. What in the fuck You're freaking out?

Courtney Andersen: 39:09

Oh man stories from Right. I think this should be our first stories from the street series.

Kimberly Elledge: 39:18

I have so many. It's fucking wild.

Courtney Andersen: 39:22

Yeah, so if you are listening to this podcast episode today, please reach out to Myself on sober vibes on instagram or my sister and let us know if you want more of a series called stories from the streets.

Kimberly Elledge: 39:38

I, I don't even need that, I don't even think we need to survey that. I think that they do and we got to give the people what they want, just talking shit. But I will say, if anyone is in the abuse, emotionally abusive relationship, it's tough. Give yourself grace, forgive yourself.

Kimberly Elledge: 40:01

And you know, with With toxic people like that and sick people, what's more Effective and what hurts them more to their core Gray, rocking them which is you don't give them, like any emotion or it's very blasé, it's like okay, yeah, sure, okay, and and you know, just no reaction, because that that kills them more, because they need they always need a reaction and, be it good or bad, it's a source of supply for them and it feeds them. So not giving them anything is really the way to go. And really the way way to go is just Cutting a person, a sick person like that, who wants you to be stressed out of your life like oh, who wants to be stressed yeah Right and who wants to be someone who wants to inflict stress and pain on you. That needs a move.

Courtney Andersen: 41:01

Yeah, the no reaction thing definitely will will shake them to their core because they won't. They won't get it. But that's also too with With that one comes when you see it for what it is.

Kimberly Elledge: 41:16

Yeah, when you finally have had enough and you know, obviously, if you have someone in your life that you're getting into like these situations with, you obviously care about them and yeah, they're feelings involved or there might be kids involved or whatever, but it's not worth the abuse. You know it takes a lot of, a lot of self-awareness and a lot of cannot Bite on the bait when it's happening because it's hard, dude, like it's fucking hard. Yeah, it's a cycle.

Courtney Andersen: 41:46

You got us, you got to get out of them. Yeah, I like it's a complete cycle. Well, I like this. I like this episode because I think that probably a lot more people are stuck in this type of relationship, whether it's your parents, siblings, gal pal situation, or even a partnership relationship with somebody. So I'm glad we kind of talked about it and, as always, if you have any questions, feel free to reach out to us. Sister, this podcast, this episode's going out Tomorrow and it is almost the end of summer.

Kimberly Elledge: 42:23

It's not summer and then September.

Courtney Andersen: 42:26

Well, we have one more. We have two more weekends. I always say Labor Day weekend is like the last of the summer. Why do you say that Well, because it kind of is. I mean it's like well for for people who live in the Midwest, like it's just kind of the end, and then it gets into fall.

Kimberly Elledge: 42:45

Yeah, but we've had so much rain and stuff. I feel like September is going to be really nice and our summer's gonna. We're going to have a nice little pop of weather here and it's going to drag out.

Courtney Andersen: 42:57

I hope so. I hope so. I mean, this is in pure Michigan like mid-may to about January 2nd. It's the best. Did you have a good summer, sister?

Kimberly Elledge: 43:10

Yeah, I've had a good summer. I mean this was like I had a productive summer. I mean I moved, I got another, I started a new job. I just got back from Denver. I was in Denver last week and so that was fun and positive. I didn't smoke any crack and any dumpsters in Denver. It was crazy too.

Kimberly Elledge: 43:35

I did a walk around like my old neighborhood and it's just like thinking about like where I was at in my life and all the fuckery when I was living in Denver and it's like very interesting to see things from like a different perspective and where I'm at now. You know. So I had a great time and then I've been out by my pool a few times but it's been raining here. It's been weird this weather and you know. So I'm really setting myself up for some change. So I had a positive summer. I've definitely. It was a lot of work like moving and, you know, starting new job and kind of transitioning to where I want to be, but I'm definitely setting myself up for some things.

Kimberly Elledge: 44:21

So I would say it was a productive summer and I threw in a little bit of fun in there and we've had some family time. We've had some great events. Courtney just had her book launch party the other day. We played. It was so much fun. So if you follow her on her sober vibe she, you know or my Instagram, we posted some pictures of it and it was a good time. Courtney was out there, miss Hollywood signing some books here, black Sharpie signing away at her signing station, so that was super fun. And we got the dictator's birthday in a couple weeks. It's a toy story for people.

Courtney Andersen: 45:01

I'm dressing up as Buzz Lightyear oh yeah, I can't wait, he's going to love it. Yeah, it was a good summer. It was a good summer. I have to say this was the first summer, and God, for a very long time I was not tied down to a place that didn't serve me anymore. And I say like, and just being in the restaurant industry of where I used to work, because I left that job last fall, right before I turned 40, and it was just nice not to be in that environment and you know, and continue to be present with the dictator, and it was a good summer. And, yes, the book party was a blast. That was just one of those moments of I honestly was like a pure joy moment, you know.

Courtney Andersen: 45:55

Yeah, for sure, Lots of yeah, there was lots of good energy and good people in that room. So that is, if you haven't gotten my book yet Sober Vives a guide to thriving in your first three months without alcohol. Click the link in the show notes below, or you can check out Amazon or Barnes, noble or wherever books are sold, because it's all over these streets now. So check it out. I mean, know what you?

Kimberly Elledge: 46:24

think, oh yeah, I'm gonna start reading mine tonight. I'm excited about it. But yeah, yeah, it was a good summer and this was the first summer in five years that I wasn't, that I'm free and out of that relationship. To where I was it's not funny, I'm, you know how we just laugh because we're assholes but to where I wasn't being emotionally abused and played with like I was goddamn toy. So no reactive abuse out of me this summer, except for with fucking Fatima. But the chill.

Courtney Andersen: 46:57

Take a chill, fatima. Yeah, but this is the thing. But you were also no longer tied to a situation where it no longer served you, and that is the thing about growth I think anybody has to understand. I've just look at your life, even if you've had some like, if you've had some setbacks, you know, with drinking this past year, but look at how far you have come in just a year, because when you measure that, it adds up to a whole lot more of just how you are mind, body and soul and not connected to things that aren't serving you anymore. It's a world of fucking difference. So how you are today from a year ago, and if nothing's changed, then just keep working on it.

Kimberly Elledge: 47:48

Yeah, from a year ago, a lot change. Everything has changed.

Courtney Andersen: 47:52

I know, but for you, but for a lot of people, but sometimes a lot of people don't think that they have changed, but you've got to put in a perspective of just like a year, even that's what I'm saying even if people had a little bit of setbacks in their sobriety and recovery journey, it doesn't it. That doesn't take away anything from the constant growth you are evolving as in a person in this road.

Kimberly Elledge: 48:14

Yeah, oh, I get what you're saying. I get what you're saying.

Courtney Andersen: 48:18

Yeah, like sometimes people feel like if they've had relapses, it's like you know. But that's not the case, because if you keep trying and keep trying and keep trying, you're growing and you're moving forward.

Kimberly Elledge: 48:29

Yeah, all you got to know in this game of recovery. I mean, it's like you, just every day, you just have to keep, just keep trying and just like, do your best and the you know wanting to change and be different and actually, like you know, doing things to make you feel better, like doing things to make it happen and being proactive and wanting to have a better quality of life. Like that's, that's everything you know. Life happens, things happen. Life is not easy. Life is good, but life is not easy. So it's like you know I always tell people I actually was talking to this girl from overseas and she was doing like fabulous and then some stuff had happened. You know she had a two week relapse. It didn't stop and then she snapped out of it and but she was being like so hard on herself and I just said, girlfriend, like words are powerful, like you're out of it.

Kimberly Elledge: 49:28

It happens that you didn't die, like because that's you know, for the most part, when you go back out there, it's like it's. Sometimes it's you know it does not end well. And so I said you know words are powerful. So the way you talk to yourself instead of like calling yourself a fucking loser, and you, you know that you proved everyone right. This meant I was like you got to change your words and the way you speak to yourself.

Kimberly Elledge: 49:54

Because if that's what you're saying, like subconsciously, like that's how you think about yourself and like you know, even if that's not how you're feeling, try like talking into the mirror to yourself and forgiving yourself, like it's okay, like you're going to give this another go and you're you're trying, you know, right, right. It makes me sad when I hear people like you know they're just like focused on like the relapse or focus on the like okay, well, that that's already happened, like there's nothing you can do about that that's already happened. But what you can do is, you know, stop dwelling on that and focusing on that because it's negative and like switch it around. But that's like retraining also your brain and like your mindset, like the way, the toxic way, like you think, and addiction, you know, so that takes a lot of time to oh yeah, well, practice.

Courtney Andersen: 50:55

Yeah, well, that's practice from what you tell yourself and then what other people have have viewed relapses and how it's presented to you. So that's why I just always say learn. Learn from that bump in the road and go forward and work on what you weren't working on during that. Really, you know during what brought you to that relapse.

Kimberly Elledge: 51:18

Right.

Courtney Andersen: 51:18

Learning, yeah, learning grow. All right, sister sludge, great combo, make sure to view. Having already, please rate, review and subscribe to the show. If you need any resources or help in your sober journey, please check out all the links in the show notes below. And, sister, I'll see you another day All right, love you.

Kimberly Elledge: 51:45

Bye guys. Be good to yourself.