Ep. (58) The Remote Control Exercise – Live Walkthrough with Mel and Brien

What if watching someone else navigate their emotional pain in real time could show you the way through your own?

In this special episode of Triggered & True, Laura Duncan and co-host Brian Freise do something they've never done on the podcast before: walk real listeners through the remote control exercise live. 

Two brave volunteers each agreed to be a "guinea pig" — bringing a genuine, tender trigger and letting Laura guide them through it in real time, so you can hear the entire process instead of just learning about it.

First, Mel from Australia shares a trigger many will recognize: 

Her husband works long hours and is often called out, leaving her feeling alone with the home and personal responsibilities. 

Laura gently walks her from the surface reaction down to what's underneath — pausing the situation instead of blaming or justifying, moving past the "big" emotions to the tender ones (loneliness, feeling like she doesn't get his best), and tracing it back to a little girl who learned it wasn't safe to have a voice or big emotions, so she became "patient until she wasn't." 

Along the way: how over-patience and fawning are their own kind of trigger, and why secure attachment means being free to say "I need."

Then a second volunteer — Brian, from Pennsylvania — shares a trigger lots of people can relate to:

He brings a pervasive, ebbing sadness and the anger that rose at work that day. 

Laura helps him move past the anger "cloaking" it, through feeling out of control, and down to the loneliness underneath (the kind you can feel even around people). 

His session opens into one of the episode's most beautiful moments: reconnecting with his child self through a real childhood photo — the little boy who loved to play and laugh with his dad — and Laura's "magic-eye" image for why it takes patient, repeated looking before that younger self suddenly "pops" into focus. 

Two different people, two different wounds, one hopeful demonstration of the whole method in action.

In this episode: 

🔹 Real listeners, real triggers — the remote control exercise walked through live, twice 

🔹 Mel's trigger: loneliness when a spouse works long hours, traced to a childhood without a voice 

🔹 How "patient until you're not," over-patience, and fawning are triggers in disguise 

🔹 Brian's trigger: anger at work "cloaking" a deeper, pervasive loneliness 

🔹 Reconnecting with your child self through a photo — and the "magic-eye" patience it takes to see him

📩 Get your free Weekly Dose of Compassion — two short notes in your inbox every week. One to speak over yourself. One from Laura: https://www.lauraduncan.com/pl/2148814868

🔗 Learn more:

https://triggeredandtrue.com

https://lauraduncan.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_05 0:28

Hello and welcome everyone to this episode of Triggered and True. And as promised, we have a special guest with us today. We have Mel joining us from Australia. She was one of the wonderful volunteers that agreed to be a guinea pig to walk through the remote control exercise in real time on the podcast. So Laura, just tell me a little bit about how excited you are. You told me before we got going, and as I was lining up these victims here, or these volunteers. You told me how excited you were about this. And I could just feel your energy. So just talk to me a little bit about, talk to us a little bit about your excitement.

SPEAKER_00 1:15

Yeah, this from pretty much day one with the compassion method. It's always been not just concepts, but application. And I feel like we've done a lot of teaching of concepts. We've given examples of our own processes. We've kind of walked through a little bit, you know, between some of the things you've shared, some of the things I've shared. But overall, we haven't really like walked through the process. So you can really see it and feel it. Because that experience is as important as all the knowledge. Many times we actually get kind of like the endorphins of being healed because we understand what's going on and what's wrong, but that doesn't mean we actually connected to ourselves in it and actually walk through the process of healing and getting that comfort that we need and recognizing what our needs are. So I just thought it would be really fun, even though I know we go through, you know, it's going to be connected to pain. So it sounds weird to say fun, but it is fun in the sense of we get to actually walk through this together live on this podcast. And I just feel like it's going to help people understand and learn so much more. And thank you, Mel, for being here too. I appreciate you being here.

SPEAKER_05 2:23

Yep, for agreeing to do this. And um, you know, you shared a little bit about uh the trigger that you want to have Laura walk you through. So why don't we just start off with kind of the first step is just kind of describing the trigger. And then I'm gonna turn it over to Laura to work you work you through the rest of the uh remote control process.

SPEAKER_02 2:44

Um so I think something that I struggle with and I feel triggered by is when my husband has to be at work a lot. Um and then I feel like I'm here on my own doing house chores and um just wanting to build things at home um for us alone. Um yeah, and doing things without him. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:15

And we can kind of understand on the logical level that you know that's definitely difficult to not have your spouse with you, to not have your husband with you, and for him to be gone so much. And is he um does he work in the same town or does he travel as well? So is it like just during the day or is it um more time that he's gone?

SPEAKER_02 3:35

Mostly in the day, yeah. So he's usually gone when we get up, and then he sort of gets home quite late, but he gets call outs and things as well, or his phone rings.

unknown 3:45

Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:45

Anytime. So he gets called out a lot in the evenings and during the weekend, and um, yeah, and we love his work and he's got great employees, and I'm very thankful for it. Um, but I just sometimes feel like he chooses, you know, like it gets more of his valuable time and energy.

SPEAKER_00 4:03

Yeah, so there's a couple different layers to that, but we'll walk through that together. So the first one, the first step is so important once we've identified that that's what your trigger is, is we really want to be able to pause. And as people are listening right now, there's definitely people that can agree or can understand and be like, yeah, that's really hard. So from like on a practical level, we can all agree that that's difficult when your spouse isn't there and available, and maybe sometimes feels like he's making something else a priority over you and over your family. And so when we have those things happening, it's very easy to blame or justify, which you kind of did a little bit of like, but we really love his job, and we really, you know, like a really good job because we kind of want to like um bring validation to that. Yes, exactly, because he's working and he's providing and you know, and you like the his job and he likes his job. So you don't want to be ungrateful and you don't want to be complaining and you want to recognize that this is a valuable opportunity that he has. But even that is the same to some degree as blame. Justifying and blaming both keep us from being able to connect to ourselves and whatever our trigger is. Yeah, so we call the remote control exercise because we're gonna pause your husband having to go to work all the time. And so he's frozen, he's paused. Now we can take our energy and our attention, and we're gonna give it all to you. You're the main event. Yeah. We're acknowledging what's triggering you, but we're putting our focus on you. Many times we want to fix the trigger, like give you advice of like, oh, well, maybe you could change, he could change his hours, or he could make this, or he could do this. But if we get busy trying to fix the problem without actually taking care of you in the process, it's kind of like that whack-a-mole game where you're just gonna, if it's not, you know, it's gonna be too many hours, it's gonna be he's gone too much, it's gonna be all these things that you're trying to frantically fix instead of recognizing I actually have emotions and pain connected to this. And that's where we want to put our focus.

SPEAKER_03 6:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:18

So we're gonna go ahead and pause your husband working, and we're gonna come to you. We're gonna say, what are those big reactions that you feel? Trying to think of a specific time that maybe it felt extra triggering. Did you feel yourself going into uh fight, flight, freeze, or fawn?

SPEAKER_02 6:39

I think it depends on what's coming up, and yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:43

What do you feel like your most common reactions are when he gets called into work?

SPEAKER_02 6:48

Um, it's probably freeze. I just yeah, but I think I tend to start if I start thinking about myself, like he just said, but I start to feel like I'm not enough, like I can't do it all.

SPEAKER_00 7:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:06

Yeah. So you maybe feeling overwhelmed. Yeah, yeah. And yeah, most likely freeze.

SPEAKER_00 7:17

What was that? I'm sorry. Most likely um freeze, yeah. Yeah, so freeze. So you go into freeze more and you feel like you get stuck in it because it feels so you feel overwhelmed. What other maybe like one or two other reactions do you have? What kind of um bigger feelings do you feel at times? Even shutting down is still a reaction, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:41

So I think often I feel like not heard because he's chooses to answer the phone and when I'll be talking or something, which but you know, it's obviously something that he needs to do.

SPEAKER_00 7:58

And then how does that make you feel? Because we have him pause, yeah. So coming back to you, feeling like you're not heard, not enough.

SPEAKER_02 8:07

Usually I I'm really patient, and so um, it takes a long time before I trigger. And then I start to feel I get upset.

SPEAKER_00 8:19

Um, yeah, sad. Yeah, you're feeling those feelings behind every reaction. There's a tender emotion, there's a soft emotion, and you mentioned sad, but do you identify or connect with any other emotions? And the tender emotions are sad, scared, yeah, and lonely. Lonely, yeah. I'd say lonely as well. So the bigger the trigger, the younger we are. Yeah, our logical brain goes, Oh, I'm lonely because he's gone. But right now we have him paused because there's a deeper loneliness inside of you. I always say there's like capital letter emotions come from our amygdala, our child brain. So things will feel capital L lonely. When we're in lowercase L lonely, that's our adult brain. Feeling sad because we miss someone and we want to be with them. But when you get really triggered and you get really upset by it, you've moved into capital L lonely. And that starts a long time ago because bigger the trigger, the younger you are. So in early childhood development, we needed to have caregivers and people be there with us and to be able to nurture us and connect with us and give us all of our needs and be with us. And when we didn't fully get that, as an adult, it's gonna feel stronger when we're in that triggered state. So we want to recognize oh, okay, I'm feeling this loneliness. What do I need in this big loneliness? And the next step is the 10 gifts. I don't know if you were able to get a chance to kind of review that or not, which is completely okay if you haven't. Um, the 10 gifts, which we have in a couple different episodes, is about our emotional needs. And a lot of times when I say, Okay, what do you need? The per the person will say, Oh, I just need my husband to stop working so much, and then we'll solve that. But remember, he's still paused and we're taking care of you. So I'm gonna briefly tell you the 10 needs, and I want you to think about the loneliness that you're feeling. And I'm gonna go through each one, and you tell me the ones that you feel like you need in your loneliness, and it can be multiple. So, do you feel like you need to be your loneliness needs to be seen? Does your loneliness need to be heard? Does your loneliness need acceptance? Play. To be taught. Sorry? To be taught, instructed. Does your loneliness need to be protected? Do you need provision? Do you need to know that you're valuable? Do you need to know that you're enough? And do you need affection? Do you need to be held? My space. Yeah, I know, isn't it? Yeah, and I could see you, you know, shaking your head no on a couple, nodding on a lot. But it's kind of interesting how like we kind of know, you know, different triggers have different emotions and different needs connected to it. But it's interesting how your gut kind of just says, like, yeah, I need to be heard, I need to be seen, I need to know I'm valuable, I need to know I'm enough. What were the other any other ones that stood out to you?

SPEAKER_02 12:06

Um, the affection and value. Yeah. Not protected. I don't feel like that means or um provided for was nice.

SPEAKER_00 12:20

Yeah. Yeah. So now we kind of now we narrowed it down to what you're needing. So you have pain of loneliness and you have unmet need. And we want to bring those together to bring comfort. So the next step after we've identified that is being with ourselves in it. But before we move to being with ourselves in it, we really need to be able to identify what we were feeling when we were younger. Even though this is not exactly, you know, in the remote control exercise, when we are able to recognize, oh, bigger the trigger, the younger I am. So I'm actually feeling a loneliness that's bigger than what's the circumstances that are happening right now. So when you think of the capital L lonely, when you feel very triggered by it, yeah, how little or how young does that feel for you? I can't remember how young, but little. That's okay. Yeah, it doesn't have to be exact, it's just more of like roughly, like, you know, are you really little, like a toddler? Yeah, it's nice. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:36

Yeah, probably three or two, maybe. Uh three at least. Yeah. And it's always the feeling of it. Even if you don't have an exact memory of exactly how you felt lonely, it's the feeling of it. So if you sat for a moment and you felt the loneliness that you feel when your husband's gone. So feel that emotion. And then you're taking that emotion and you're looking back. You're looking at that three-year-old. And you're feeling her lonely. And they're the same. Yeah, different circumstances. Same feeling. And the reason why it's important to identify that you're young in this moment is because we want to be with you in that feeling. We only stay in our adult brain, we're going to be dealing with the lowercase lonely, and we're going to be logically figuring it out. But this is a deeper wound. This is sometimes like an old friend almost in a way. That feeling has been with us for a long time. Yeah. So we want to be with her. And the next step on the remote control exercise is showing ourselves compassion, helping bring those needs, helping connect to her emotions. So if we were to look at her, if she was your daughter or your niece, how would you feel with her feeling that lonely?

SPEAKER_02 15:19

Um yeah, um, sad that she felt like that. Yeah. Yeah, it's very sad. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:28

I'd want to help her. And we recognize what you need, which is also what she needs, that she didn't feel valuable. That she didn't feel like she was enough. That she didn't have the affection that she needed. That she needed to be heard. And so by being with her in it, what would you, if that was your daughter, what would be words of compassion that you would share? How would you want to be with her in it?

SPEAKER_02 16:07

I'd want to hold her. Well, I'd want to say I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_00 16:14

Yeah.

unknown 16:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:17

So vividly imagined holding her. And she doesn't feel like she has value or she's enough. But you can give her an experience that you've had with that. What would you want her to know? And more importantly, what would you want her to feel?

SPEAKER_02 16:50

Um, just love. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:59

I'm gonna say some of our compassion words. We have some phrases that we use. You are doing great. That's exactly what she would need. She would need to be held to know that you're sorry that she's feeling that, to be with her in it. And that's extremely valuable. And then I'm just gonna add a few other words to it. And if anything stands out to you, we can kind of grab those words and put those on your heart. So looking at that baby girl, looking at you, I see you trying so hard. I know you care so much. I'm sorry that you feel lonely. I'll sit with you in your lonely until you feel safe. I enjoy you. You matter to me.

SPEAKER_02 18:03

You're important.

SPEAKER_00 18:14

You're worth me. You're enough just the way you are. So whatever ones stood out to you, I just want you to take those and just put them on your heart. Yeah. And you can say it in your own words, but just being able to say, you matter to me. Or whatever, or whatever stood out to you. Yeah, all of them. Yeah, you're like, all of them, please. Yeah. You can say exactly. You should. You should take them all for her. She wants to hear all of them. Yeah, yeah. That will and and feel all of them. Yeah, yeah. Because we're not just saying those words, we're actually feeling she's valuable, her presence is worthy. Yeah, it's hard to accept. It is very hard to accept our protectors and our lack. It's gonna say, no, that's not true. No, but that's how it does take a minute, it does, and as you're connecting with her and you're able to give her that compassion, she starts to soften, she starts to feel it. And we know raising kids that you can't just tell a child one time, like if you're teaching them to brush their teeth, for example, you could just tell them one time, it's the consistent repetition of being with that heals the loneliness, not from our reasoning and our intellect, but from our heart and felt experience. So we can tell that she needs more love. But the beauty of the remote control exercise is it's exploring, it's not just figuring it out, so now you're not lonely anymore. Now your husband leaves, and you're like, I'm fine. Eventually, as your heart gets full, it'll feel like lowercase lonely, not uppercase lonely. But we just have the privilege of connecting to you and to your child self, yeah, and feeling her pain and being with her in it. That's the purpose of it. If we do the last step on the remote control exercise and we unpause your husband being gone all the time, it's probably gonna feel a little less. But in this specific process we just went through, it's not really about trying to get the feelings to go away, it's about a relationship. Yeah, that we get to connect with her, not just in this moment, but this just opened the door for you to connect with her every time you feel that trigger of loneliness. And you're most likely gonna go back to her multiple times until she feels safe, until she feels loved, until she feels valued. So it's not just about we have an uncomfortable feeling, let's just get rid of it. It's letting that uncomfortable feeling come up so we can explore where it came from.

SPEAKER_02 21:55

And having this method means that I don't just keep going over and over the like feeling like that. I can find ways to comfort and recognize the reasons why I feel that way. So yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 22:12

Well, you don't just have to learn to cope with it.

SPEAKER_00 22:14

Exactly. That's a good way to say it. Yes, that's true, because that's probably what the only options you felt you had. He's gonna go to work. I just have to cope with it.

SPEAKER_02 22:23

Yeah. Yeah. So I've found it really helpful listening through all your podcasts.

SPEAKER_05 22:29

recognizing that this is something not what I feel like it's got other underlying things from yeah because you can actually take care of those yeah like you can't change what your husband's doing but you can be okay yeah even if he's doing something that you wish was different yeah yeah and it's not it's not a bad thing that he's doing or anything well but here's the thing it might be good it might be a bad thing it might be a bad thing so let's talk about that so I think there's a misconception sometimes with this process that we're condoning other people's poor behavior okay that's not at all what we're doing but it could feel like that at times so let's let's just kind of unpack that for a second so yeah so your husband's work is poking at pain that was there and you might see that more clearly now like this this feeling of loneliness didn't come from your husband working a lot it came earlier before you ever even knew him yeah you know he was just a little boy you were just a little girl and this pain developed okay and that pain's been uncomforted all this time so in a way your husband's work is doing a real favor here because it's bringing it out okay but this doesn't mean that your husband's necessarily doing something right or wrong i mean he could be it could be something that you want to address but what your heart needs to know and this is what the little girl needs to know is that she can be okay clear minded tenderhearted and at peace even if it never changes okay now from that place of confidence that that little girl knows that she's not needing her husband to change as a matter of life and death okay from that place you may want to have or may feel led to have a conversation with him about how much he works okay and the cool the the neat thing is it's now it's coming from this place of peace your true self it's not coming from this raging place of a trigger you know where it's not gonna come out right it's gonna lead to probably not a good outcome it's gonna come from this place of peace and um you know he may or may not be more likely to receive from that place but it doesn't mean that there a courageous conversation doesn't need to be had yeah you know but you're gonna come at that from you're you're gonna come at that from a totally different space. Yeah yeah because if that little girl's triggered and that little girl you know in your trigger feels that if he doesn't change I can't be okay that's a that's a rough that's a rough patch. That's really hard place to come at that from you know but now you can come at that conversation so totally different. And the the part the one thing too I thought about like at the end like how you know you're making some progress in this kind of remote control is a lot of times these situations seem kind of hopeless like I just have to figure out how to cope with it. There's nothing I can do I have to just whatever justify it with logic when you can start to have like you can start to see kind of just a glimmer or even just a little flicker of hope. So at the end of the remote control like you can have this little bit of hope that you know that even if it doesn't ever change you know that you can be okay yeah like that little girl knows that she can find comfort and that's yeah what we've done so far I already feel a bit more like pace. Nice.

SPEAKER_00 26:41

Yeah yeah yeah I love that and I also like what Brian's saying in the sense of when we're in our wound and we're in lack we don't have choice we feel like it's just happening to us and we can't do anything about it. But as your heart gets more and more full and your needs are met you can choose to say something or choose not to say something because you're coming from a place of I'm okay I'm clear minded I'm tenderhearted I'm at peace I can say something but I don't have to say something to be okay but I can say something yeah and and I have a feeling when you were a little girl it might have been hard to say I'm lonely yeah yeah and I wasn't allowed emotions or you know um it triggered things in mom if I would be needing anything yeah yeah and it's almost like an over you said I usually say really patient till I'm not yeah but even that overly patience is a trigger is a trigger. Yeah and it looks good because you're this patient supportive wife that doesn't get upset but over patience means that we don't have a voice okay and and we're scared of having a voice we're scared of having big emotions because that's gonna push mommy away or that's gonna push husband away or make it angry or make her angry or make him or whatever his reaction would be it might not be anger but have a reaction. Yeah yeah but we want your three year old to know it's okay a secure attached three year old know she can say just like you'd say I'm hungry I need food a secure attached three year old gets to say I need love I need to be held and you're only three years old so normally you wouldn't be asking for that but if you look at kids that have that secure attachment they ask for it sometimes they demand it because they feel safe enough to say I need which you didn't get the opportunity because you couldn't throw fits and you couldn't express so you didn't get the opportunity to say I need yeah so I really like what Brian shared because I feel like it's gonna give you freedom to be okay even if it doesn't change but it's also gonna give you freedom to say whatever your heart needs to say because you're safe and secure.

SPEAKER_02 29:25

Yeah. And he's also very patient and he lets me say whatever I'm feeling and um likes to try and make everybody else okay and yeah yeah so so you fawn to be everybody yeah which is one of the um triggered mechanisms.

SPEAKER_00 29:48

So some people fight when things are brought up some people run away so you have two so the last one is fawning and fawning is making mommy and daddy happy at all costs. And so you probably you're both fawners so you're trying to make each other okay at all costs which sounds good except for the fact it trying to make somebody else happy is still connected to the codependency that's saying you don't want him to be upset and he doesn't want you to be upset. So sometimes you don't always say what you really need to say. And I think it'd be great to have some courageous brave conversations when your heart's full of being able to say that and maybe even engage with him of what you need and what he needs. Make space for both because when you make space for yourself you're making space for him. And a big nade for him is work like and he can explore that and by you asking curious questions from a place of being okay clear minded tenderhearted at peace you can be curious with it. But you're not doing it to manipulate it to get him to stop you're doing it because you care about why is work so big for you.

SPEAKER_05 31:06

And one of the things you said in it Laura hit on it too where you you you mentioned that it takes you a long time to trigger well actually it doesn't it's just it takes you a long time to trigger externally you're triggered in here and that's where you're kind of like froze. So like you kind of retreat into yourself you push it down it just takes you a long time for it to to spill out and actually that's actually really hard to deal with because if you externally processed it at least it comes out and like you make some big mess and it kind of forces you to deal with it. But people that keep it more inside like they just look like they have it all together. Whereas me I might fly off the handle and punch a hole in a wall or whatever. It's like you kind of know there's a problem, right? You it's a lot harder because everyone around you is like oh she's so well adjusted she can handle anything and but inside it's all there. Yeah yeah so I think that'll be a uh a tip for you as you think about addressing triggers in the future that you don't it's not just about when it comes to the boiling point where it starts to bubble out of you which takes a lot for that to happen. It's happening a lot lot sooner than what you might even think.

SPEAKER_00 32:32

Yeah. And that helps us care for ourselves so much more when we're paying attention to the little details. You know, if we don't recognize we have hunger pains, we don't recognize you know we're getting a little lightheaded we need to eat something you know there's certain signals that are sent to us before we go into we're starving we have to eat right now or we're gonna pass out. That's kind of like where you're getting to where it's just coming to the extreme place. But if we could have listened back here when little signals were being sent and and paused in that moment and did the remote control exercise in that moment we could catch ourselves in love to be able to get our needs met sooner than waiting until it gets so big. Laura what are some tips for her to kind of uh catch that sooner like what are some tip offs like I've talked about my tip offs before like my my back will start to sweat like even if like all of a sudden I'll feel my back get really really hot and I'm like okay I'm triggered you know so there's a physical thing for yes exactly what are some yeah yeah so pay attention to the physical reactions you have your body sending you signals a lot of times before your mind actually catches up with it. So like Brian said next time you're in it preferably if you're not so triggered because when we're like at a 10, it's very hard to be aware. It just feels like everything I'm kind of an all in guy.

SPEAKER_05 34:01

So I I go from zero to 10 really fast.

SPEAKER_00 34:04

Yeah exactly so like for you being able to recognize okay I'm gonna start to try to catch this and pay attention to it a little bit sooner so I can be more aware of what's happening. So literally sit in it. Don't try to even in that moment I would even wait before I'd even do the remote control exercise where you're just sitting and you're just feeling what your physical body is feeling. Then think about your thoughts what are your thoughts thinking many times we have this reoccurring thought process with triggers where we go through oh but he's trying so hard and he's providing and he's so caring I should just be thankful. This shouldn't be a big deal those are actually triggered thoughts. So you're paying attention oh you're trying to justify you're trying to suppress it instead of actually feeling what are you really feeling and then paying attention to the emotions that you're feeling because when you're in tune like that you can start to be more aware oh things are bothering me right now they just weren't a 10 so now I can pay attention to the little things that come from physical mental and emotional because awareness is a big part of the process because if we don't feel it because we're not aware of it we can't bring compassion can't get our needs met because we're not aware of what we're feeling and that's a very common thing when you when you're a fauner you put your needs second and you put the other person's needs first. So when someone says what do you need oh I don't need anything let's just help them we'll just help my husband exactly yeah so it's kind of teaching yourself to be aware of the cues that you didn't have a mommy and a daddy helping you be aware of if a mommy and a dad daddy was attuned to you physically mentally emotionally they'd be able to catch things and help you walk through it. But because they didn't know how to be aware of what was happening with you and teach you that it's like the the cues the signals are off or muted. So we want to turn it back on and listen to what and feel what you were feeling then that you didn't have a mommy and a daddy helping you feel and then as you're aware then you can do the remote control exercise. How do you feel does it feel overwhelming to you or do you feel like your heart's connecting to it?

SPEAKER_02 36:41

No I definitely can and I've been um thinking through these things over the last few couple of months as I listened to all the podcasts.

SPEAKER_00 36:51

So I have been sort of recognizing those um feelings of um um like not being heard and not being seen and just different things and recognizing um also with mom how she couldn't like you said she couldn't give those things but she didn't have them yeah yeah yeah and and we say often we're not villainizing our caregivers or mom and dads but we're acknowledging she didn't have it she didn't know how to be that for you and just because she didn't know how doesn't mean you didn't need it and still need it. Yeah so I certainly feel more peace. I love that yeah just remember that you are the most powerful advocate for you and when it starts to feel like it's all external come back to you and be that advocate to take care of your internal world because no one knows you like you know you apart from God. Yeah so you have the privilege of going back to those files in your brain going back to those ages and helping bring the needs and the love that she needed that you need.

SPEAKER_05 38:13

This process is ultimately so empowering when you can when you can figure out that you can help yourself get what your little heart with the little girl inside of you needs. You don't need somebody outside of you to do it. Yeah doesn't have to come from anybody else you you're the gatekeeper and that is frustrating for some people at first because they want someone else to come in and fix them and all the other stuff but so empowering in the long run to not have to need someone to come in and do that. You you have that capability and that's what I love about this process that Laura teaches because she's all about helping you empowering you to do it for yourself.

SPEAKER_02 39:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 39:01

Yeah she wants to work her way out of a job and uh um and then we can have the the podcast is just for your tune-ups and um she wants to work herself out of a job with anybody she works with because she ultimately wants to show you how to drive the car.

SPEAKER_02 39:17

That's amazing and yeah I hadn't heard of anything like this before and it's really eye-opening um to see how to do it. And I'm really thankful.

SPEAKER_00 39:28

And you did thank an excellent job like not that it's about doing it well or not but you I can tell you've been in tune with yourself. I can tell that you're aware you're able to identify and connect and and that'll just continue to grow as you practice. And one last thing I wanted to say one of the number one reasons we're lonely the two reasons the number one reason is because in early childhood development we didn't have a mommy and daddy being with us in those formative years that we needed that attachment connection. But the second reason where we why we feel so lonely is because we've abandoned ourselves we haven't valued ourselves we don't think that we're enough and so we've left ourselves and that's another strong benefit of the remote control exercise because it brings you back to yourself and now you're always with you so loneliness doesn't feel the same anymore.

SPEAKER_05 40:26

Well Mel thank you for taking the time and being vulnerable and sharing your heart with uh our listening audience and being willing to walk through this uh live on a podcast. So we really appreciate it.

SPEAKER_00 40:41

Yeah thank you so much for coming on here and thank you for participating.

SPEAKER_05 40:44

Hello everyone and welcome again to this episode of Triggered and True where we continue our process of walking through podcast listeners, the remote control exercise.

SPEAKER_00 40:56

So today we are here with uh Brian and he is another brave volunteer that has uh agreed to walk through this process for the whole world to see so no pressure there at all so Brian thanks for joining us from uh Massachusetts and uh I'm gonna turn it over Pennsylvania well from Pennsylvania Lancaster Pennsylvania I don't know where I got Massachusetts from well thank you for joining us thank you for joining us from Pennsylvania and uh I'm gonna turn it over to Laura and have her uh do her magic yeah thank you so much Brian for volunteering and um one other thing I didn't share we did a little pre-talk before we started but one thing I didn't share is just that even though you're volunteering even though we're doing this for the podcast it's your story is also very important and walking you through it is actually a real process as you know and I just want to make sure you know that it's not just for the podcast that you're that you're very important too. So um as we're walking through it I want you to know that you know you're a priority in this as well.

SPEAKER_04 42:05

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 42:06

Yeah and I definitely appreciate you volunteering it's it's a brave thing to do to put yourself out there because we're not just talking you know about a subject we're actually talking about you and talking about your heart and potentially some of your pain and that's a vulnerable thing to share but also I think that's what helps so many people and a lot of the listeners being able to hear your vulnerability I think is really valuable.

SPEAKER_04 42:32

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 42:33

Yeah so why don't you go ahead and share um uh a trigger that you've been having and we'll kind of walk through it together and see where see where your heart leads us.

SPEAKER_04 42:44

Okay. Um so um I've had pervasive uh sadness it kind of ebbs and flows but it's something that's been persistent.

SPEAKER_00 42:56

Um today at work um what happened doesn't I guess doesn't really matter you don't have to share a lot of details I mean you had something at work happen.

SPEAKER_04 43:08

Yeah something at work happened and I um I was the anger beneath the surface was beginning to rise you know and and so um I I I got alone and kind of um connected with myself and um comforted a little bit I didn't have a lot of time but um and I asked I did the interview thing where I asked myself you know what what's going on yeah then I was reminded that I I feel alone um and um and lonely you know a lot of times even you know which it's not external it's always what's going on inside yeah you can be lonely with people you know it's not necessarily with people or without yeah so that happened today.

SPEAKER_00 44:05

Okay yeah let's walk through that I think it's great that you've been um have you have you been listening to the podcast I'm assuming since you're on here but so you're you're kind of familiar with the process I can already tell that you're kind of moving through it which is great that you're able to identify that and um it's so valuable to be able to start recognizing that there's more to the story. You know, the remote control Exercise is name that because we start out in the beginning by pausing, and then this uh circumstance would be pausing your um your work situation that caused you to feel angry. And the anger would be that reaction, and we'd be pausing the work circumstance. But we can see that you've already kind of took a couple steps forward, which is great, of being able to say, okay, I know it's not about my work right now, which is huge. I mean, like that can take people weeks, months, and it still pops up sometimes. I still sometimes have a hard time pausing a person or a circumstance because our justifiable brain goes, No, it is this work situation, it is that person at work. But I commend you for being able to recognize I that you're angry, but it's not necessarily because of work, it's something deeper going on. So we'll kind of move forward in that since you've already connected. So um, you said you felt angry. Um, let's try to do like maybe one or two other reactions, just because it helps us connect to our um common reactions when we get triggered. Is there any other emotions that you recognized when you reacted to that circumstance?

SPEAKER_04 45:38

Yeah, I recognize that I felt sad.

SPEAKER_00 45:43

Um, did you have any other reactions besides? So, like sad would be that more tender emotion, which I know you're automatically going to, which is so great. That represents relationship with yourself to be able to go to those tender emotions and recognize it's really sad. But was there any other, or do you recognize common reactions you have? I can ask you some questions too, because sometimes we anger kind of dominates a lot of times if we feel angry. So it feels hard sometimes to know if we have any other reactions. But I'll just throw some out there and you can kind of say like yes or no. So um, in that moment besides anger, did you feel out of control?

SPEAKER_04 46:19

Probably out of control would be like a I'm not able to control my environment.

SPEAKER_00 46:26

Yeah, it doesn't have to be that you acted out of control, but you feel out of control because of your environment. That's a good clarification.

SPEAKER_04 46:33

That's um that's something that uh sure.

SPEAKER_00 46:36

That's a common, yeah. And that's why I'm I kind of you know going a little deeper because anger again cloaks it, but a lot of times there's other things that we're feeling as well. And sometimes how I explain it is we have our main emotion, which in this case would be anger, but then we feel out of control. Then we feel what else? Sometimes I'll just sit with my heart because it's really important to still feel those reactions because that's part of knowing ourselves and part of seeing the patterns of what happens when we go into a fight or flight state. So overwhelmed, excuse me, out of control. Did you feel overwhelmed? It's okay if the answer is no. I just like to throw out different ideas.

SPEAKER_04 47:16

Yeah, that's I don't think so.

SPEAKER_00 47:19

Did you feel helpless?

SPEAKER_04 47:23

Uh maybe in a way. Um, not necessarily like wanting to change the environment, but not being able to.

SPEAKER_00 47:30

So that might have been yeah, maybe hopelessness too. Helpless, hopeless. So those are just some different reactions people commonly feel in addition to anger. So again, it's just being aware of what our reactions are. And then when we funnel down those reactions to the more tender emotions, which are sad, scared, or lonely. And you already mentioned the sadness. Um, is do you feel any levels of scared?

SPEAKER_04 48:01

Um I don't recognize it if it is no that's okay.

SPEAKER_00 48:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 48:10

Um definitely felt lonely.

SPEAKER_00 48:14

So sad and lonely would be the strongest.

SPEAKER_04 48:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 48:18

And do you feel like sad is stronger or lonely is stronger? Or are they the same?

SPEAKER_04 48:24

They seem they seem to be the same.

SPEAKER_00 48:28

Yeah, it's good. It's just being aware, being aware of what's leading us. Because ultimately the sad, scared, and lonely is your wound. And so now we're at your wound, which is sad and lonely. And then when we ask ourselves, what do we need? Because we want to identify what we're feeling, we want to identify those tender emotions, but then we also want to recognize oh, this isn't just coming from pain that causes emotion, it's also coming from unmet need that also causes a reaction. So um, if I I'll just say I'm kind of briefly, and then whatever one stand out to you, let me know. So when you're thinking about that sadness and you're thinking about that loneliness, do you need to be seen? Do you need to be heard? Do you need to be accepted? Not necessarily by those people, but by that sadness, that loneliness. Um, do you need play? Do you need to be taught? Do you need protection? Do you need provision? Do you need to know that you're valuable? Do you need to know that you're enough? And lastly, do you need affection?

SPEAKER_04 49:54

Of the of that list, I have the little book, by the way. Um the You have a little what?

SPEAKER_00 50:00

I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_04 50:00

I have the little book.

SPEAKER_00 50:02

Oh yeah, oh I know. I love that book. Yeah, we have the You Are Love book. Oh, I don't have it here right with me, but usually I have one right with me. It's a fun book, and it's also so good for adults, too, because as you're looking through it, you can feel it because of the pictures.

SPEAKER_04 50:16

It's really cute as well. Um, the um of the list, uh probably the strongest internal reaction was protection.

SPEAKER_00 50:30

Protection, yeah. So that's so important to know because as you see all those 10 different needs that we have, you know, you could go in so many different directions. It's kind of like people will say, like, I need love. But love is so ambiguous or so like vague because what exactly it's a kind of like what type of love do you need? And now you're recognizing I need the love of protection, the need to be met, of feeling protected. So now that we know you feel that need for protection, then we want to be able to recognize that you you need to be connected to in that, specifically because you feel that sad and that lonely. And often with the remote control exercise, when we get to this place, we've gotten very small. So we have our sophisticated brain, that's our adult brain. And we see perspective, we see solutions, we see opportunities, we know that you have a, you know, you have a fiance, you have family, you have people in your life, and our adult brain goes, Oh, I'm not that sad, I'm not that lonely. I have all these beautiful, you know, people and situations in my life. And that's your sophisticated brain. And that's true. But simultaneously, or sometimes um exclusively, sometimes in our trigger, we'll feel that fight or flight, freeze or fawn, which causes us to go into our amygdala. And our amygdala is going to see things from a child's perspective, because they call it the primal brain or the child brain. So the bigger the trigger, the more engaged our amygdala is, which means we're young. And so when we've kind of sifted through the remote control exercise, we start out what we think is as adults with this adult work problem. And then we get this big reaction, which is our amygdala interpreting the work situation, not your sophisticated adult brain. And so now we recognize, oh, I'm little. We went through the reactions, we went through the tender emotions, we went through what we needed, but now we recognize, oh, I'm young now in this moment. Not necessarily in my reaction anymore, because I've sifted it down to what I'm really feeling. And so many times we'll go back to our early childhood development in this moment because we've gotten really small. And we are going to do that in just a moment, but I want to emphasize the part of compassion, which is the next step. Because specifically when you're feeling lonely, many times it's because we've abandoned ourselves, because in early childhood development, real or perceived, our caregivers abandon us, even if it's just emotionally, even if it's not physically. And so what ends up happening with that is now we're frantically trying to potentially go back to that childhood, what I say, coding or programming, in order to be able to help ultimately that part of our brain, that zero to 12-year-old part of our brain, get what he needs, so that your adult self will be at peace because you got what you needed. Your adult self is like a website. You've been trying to figure out because you've been doing some of this work where you've been able to get to a place where you're able to, like, oh, I'm understanding things, I'm recognizing things. And um, you had mentioned before that um you knew some of this started in your family of origin, started in your childhood. But before we go there, I actually want to have you connect with yourself. So many times our healing process is centered around trying to fix. I feel sad, we want to fix this. I feel lonely, we want to fix this. I don't feel protected, we want to fix it. But the basis of the compassion method is we don't want to fix you. And we don't even want to fix your childhood. I know that seems off because we're like, no, that's what we're here for. You're like, why did I sign up for the remote control exercise if we're not actually going to fix anything? But the whole purpose of the remote control exercise and the compassion method is to be with you. And to be with you as a child. Your child self is Yeah, what's that idea?

SPEAKER_04 55:01

I mean, uh just being honest, you know, it doesn't feel good.

SPEAKER_00 55:04

Um, it doesn't feel good, and so that's why we're avoiding it. It's uncomfortable. We're trying to push it away as much as we can, but what happens when we're trying to push our pain away is we push ourselves away. So you can see that as I suppress or resist my pain, I'm abandoning myself.

SPEAKER_03 55:25

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 55:27

And so we actually want to as hard as it is and as painful, and everything in us is like, no, we want to actually be able to go okay. I'm ready to feel the pain so that I can connect to comfort, so I can go play, so I can let go. So we're gonna start with how do you feel about yourself? Because you are the main advocate. You are not just the main, you are the actually only advocate for yourself, because no one apart from God knows you like you know you. So if you don't want to be with you, because being with yourself, being with your child self represents pain, then you're not gonna be the advocate that yourself needs. So we first want to say, how do you feel about you? If you were a friend observing what you felt today in that work situation, feeling all the emotions and the needs we just identified, how would you see yourself? How would you want to be with yourself?

SPEAKER_04 56:45

Um not really um That's okay. So if I was having compassion toward myself I'm rephrasing, I'm trying to rephrase what you're just to understand what you're saying. Yeah, no, of course. If I were to if I was having compassion toward myself and I were to see the see Brian, it would be comfort. I mean, like it would it would be sorry, that's not no, that's okay.

SPEAKER_00 57:26

Yeah, you would you want to comfort him? Would you want him to experience comfort?

SPEAKER_04 57:32

I think so. This is kind of a obviously it's you know the reason I'm here, but yeah, no, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 57:39

Yeah, these are the questions we never ask ourselves. It's not just you either. That's why it's typical. How would I treat myself? We don't realize that we are always talking to ourselves.

SPEAKER_03 57:51

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 57:52

But usually we're more critical, judgmental, okay, impatient, high expectations, hurry up and get fixed. But when we start to shift the conversation to how would I treat my best friend? How would I treat my niece and nephew? How would I treat someone I loved?

SPEAKER_04 58:17

I probably would do the guy thing quality time, you know, just go for a walk, um, you know, or just to be because we associate this with you know with companionship.

SPEAKER_00 58:34

So yeah, no, I like that. So I want you to, we have two different images. You mean like it's gonna be okay.

SPEAKER_05 58:44

Yeah, I'm I'm telling you, like I'm as I'm as I'm kind of watching this play out, I'm seeing like what so many men struggle with. Like my wife will say it all the time, like, whenever I start to say something nice to you or sweet or sentimental, like you just kind of like either make a joke of it, push me away, clam up. And I'm like, yeah, you're right. I I do because it is triggering like getting that soft, that vulnerable. Because when we were little, we weren't allowed. You know, a lot of times, you know, we weren't allowed because that was weak. Like that's weak. So getting that soft, that vulnerable, and Laura's like inviting you know, you into that, and I can see like it's hard, like it's like learning um a new language. Like, yeah, I don't know if you speak French, but we're trying to help you learn to speak French right now, you know, the the romance language, you know.

SPEAKER_00 59:39

So yeah, anyway, so no, that's a great clarification. Does that feel a little true to you sometimes, Brian, when you're trying to connect on that deeper level? It doesn't mean that you don't connect deeply, but when you're connecting with yourself specifically.

SPEAKER_04 59:55

I don't want to.

SPEAKER_00 59:57

No, that's good. No, I love that. I love that frankness.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:00

Yeah. Um, yeah, I don't I avoid that.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:06

Um and that's specifically why I'm emphasizing this. You you know the work that I do that usually, okay. Let's go back to childhood now. Let's get him what he needs, let's clean it up, let's put a bow on it. All right, we're good. That was a great podcast. You know, let's let's go. But that is actually not gonna help the process because all we did is Laura's not letting you off the hook. No, I'm not letting you off the hook.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:27

Very compassionately. I'm not letting you off the hook.

SPEAKER_05 1:00:30

We're gonna get out of that left brain and we are gonna get into the right brain. That's Laura's goal.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:35

So yeah, this is the beauty of it. I trust who you are to be with yourself, but I can feel, and as you're communicating as well, a barrier to your true self being with yourself.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:59

Okay, so how do I do that?

SPEAKER_00 1:01:01

Yep, no, exactly. And and like Brian said, this is very normal. Yes, usually with men it's more difficult, but also for all of us, we're we're avoiding our pain, which means we're avoiding ourselves. So this is the key. If I try to put pain in front of you, you're gonna keep resisting it. Even if like your intellect says, like, she said it's good to face my pain, you're still going to internally be like, I don't want to do this, just like you just said, I don't want to do this. Yeah, but this is the key to know yourself is to love yourself.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:37

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:37

When you know someone, you mentioned you have a fiance, when you know your fiance, you love her because you know her. But if there was just a stranger on the street, you might be, you know, kind to a human just in general, but you're not gonna feel the same way. And so we want you to actually know you and not just know you as an adult, but know where it all begun. Know yourself from zero to twelve years old. But because you experience pain and lack, your brain is trying to protect you from it. That's why it feels probably hard to figure out because you said you've already been doing some of this process, but you're kind of stuck because you don't know how to go there. So let's sit with who is that little boy? If you were to go back as an adult right now and look at that little boy, you can pick an age. What would you what what would you tell me about him? What's his favorite, you know, thing to do? What's he like?

SPEAKER_04 1:02:46

He likes to laugh.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:47

He likes to laugh, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:49

I've got a picture my dad took um where I'm just belly laughing. And that's that's kind of the picture that I always even though I don't feel it, that's the the picture that I have.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:04

So yeah, that that's you. That's a part of yourself that you put away because you were lonely and sad. So he likes to laugh. Maybe two more things. Tell me two more things about it.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:20

Really liked being with people. Um and like play.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:34

I mean, that was you know, um Yeah, like I know you said likes to laugh, but it's different than play. You like to adventure and play, and yeah, I love that. And out of those three things you mentioned already that you don't feel as much of the love to laugh joy part, do you still feel like you really like to be around people?

SPEAKER_04 1:03:58

I do, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:59

Okay, so you're still connected to that part of yourself, and then thirdly, do you feel like you're um what was the third thing you said? I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:06

Play.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:07

Play. Do you still feel like it's comes natural to play?

SPEAKER_04 1:04:11

That so I went through the um the list of 10.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:16

Yeah, the 10 gifts, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:19

Um and play is the only one that I absolutely know that I I connect with.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:27

That's a gift, yeah. And so do you feel like as an adult that even though you received it as a child, do you feel like it's easy for you to connect with play now?

SPEAKER_04 1:04:39

It is actually. Yeah, it took some it took a little bit of work. Uh like I had to go back and to play with people that in my mind.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:49

Yeah, no, no, totally. You had to find gift givers that gave you the gift to play, so it'd be more natural. So you've been reunited with play. You've been reunited, or maybe you always like to be around people, but maybe it's a little easier to be around people now.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:02

I don't feel emotionally. Well, what I'm about to say is not necessarily so I don't necessarily feel emotionally connected when I'm just around people.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:15

Um, I have learned over the last 10 years how to connect with my emotions, starting, you know, um, so I'm emotionally available. That's not an issue. It's just the yeah, I I don't know how to explain it.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:30

I just well, the thing that I'm emphasizing by asking you these questions is I believe that your child self, before you experience lack and pain, was able to receive and give and interact with people on in a more natural way.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:48

When you say, like, I've been working on you know emotional health for the last 10 years, I I can tell I'm glad that you're doing that. But there's a difference, like with our adult self, it becomes manual to a certain degree. I know the right things to say, I know the right things to do, I know how to keep myself open, you know. So, like we've done all these things, whatever they are, whatever work you've done, you know the five steps to connecting with others. And you probably do them very well.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:16

Right.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:16

But the difference is when we look at that little boy, he loves to be around people with ease because it's automatic. And as we reconnect with That little boy, it's going to be so much easier for you because it's going to be automatic. So these are the parts of ourselves that have been covered up that we want to re-see. So when you look at that little boy, in the past you've just been seeing his pain.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:48

But now he's a little boy that loves to laugh. He loves people.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:55

Right.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:56

He loves to play. That's who he is.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:01

So I have a question. This may Yeah, go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:05

Um how do you how do you reconnect with your younger self if you don't feel like if you um so to know yourself is to love yourself, to know yourself is to feel what you feel. And so when you start to see him as that little boy, just now, even me saying those things about him, your like for him went up a little bit, maybe a lot, but it went up a little bit. Did you feel a little bit more like, oh, there he is?

SPEAKER_05 1:07:39

Maybe didn't feel a huge emotion when that picture image came back, you know, like that brought happiness, that brought joy that I could see the joy, like, oh, you remembered that picture, and like, oh, I love to belly laugh and roll around on the floor, and I, you know, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:57

So so you're trying to like find the way to it, but it's a felt experience more than a um intellectual experience. So you're like, How do I love you? We're back to manual again, right? So we want it to become automatic, and automatic comes from felt experience, not brain experience or not intellectual experience. So let's just say, yeah, go ahead.

SPEAKER_05 1:08:27

No, go ahead, Brian.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:29

Noah the the I guess it's kind of like you need a felt experience in order to feel. But I don't know how to get to the felt experience.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:42

I so like Brian with other Brian was just saying, sorry, we got two Brian's um Brian Breezy was saying, he was saying that you know, when you thought about that picture, you felt something. And even if it was just a drop, even if it was an extreme, you felt something. Your face, your countenance changed. You felt something. You felt a little bit of joy, you felt a little bit of like liking. So let's sit with that feeling and help it grow. You're trying to jump from zero to 10. You're like, how do I get there? I'm like, we can't get there that fast because that'll do.

SPEAKER_05 1:09:18

Zero. We want to do, yeah, because I just want to zero to 60 in one point, you know, six five seconds.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:25

Yes, and now I love myself, but you've been avoiding yourself or abandoning yourself for so long that we can't just jump to love, or just like cracking the door open, we're peeking through. We're like, oh, there he is. And your face with a little smile. And if you sit with that smile and you picture that picture, it'll grow.

SPEAKER_04 1:09:51

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:52

Well then you start with just that it was nice to see yourself so happy. Did you like seeing that picture of you happy?

SPEAKER_04 1:10:04

So um so what you're saying is that you have to start with where you are and kind of grow that yeah, um like a real relationship. Oh boy.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:27

Oh boy, I know in the beginning it's overwhelming because, like we just said, you're at zero, and now you're like, oh wow. So like every day, like how often, when will this be over? But we're actually beginning a relationship. You are a whole world waiting to be discovered. It's a challenge, yes, but it's also an adventure.

SPEAKER_05 1:10:53

Discovered and really rediscovered, right?

SPEAKER_00 1:10:56

Rediscovered. Yeah, because you you were connected to yourself before you got covered up. So, yes, it's rediscover.

SPEAKER_05 1:11:02

A good thing that you said, Laura, that just I made a note of it that I want to go back and do. You talked about thinking back to a time when it was easy. I wrote, think back to a time when it was easy to be with people. Because it's hard for me to be with people now. I actually a lot of settings I like grimace. Like, I don't want to go be in the middle of all these people, especially if there's expectations that I need to have long conversations with everybody and da-da-da-da. Whereas um there it there was a time in my life where I remember like it was just fun to be with people. And it's not always fun to be with people now because of those other things. Yeah. So yeah. I don't know if that helps the time. Brian, I don't know if that helps at all. Yeah, but it's going back to your younger self and rediscovering things that and as as back to like when I was doing the child picture exercise and and learning to reconnect my younger self. I actually wrote a note when I was going through that. I said, My younger self knows more about how to live life than I feel like I know today. That's good.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:12:07

You know, and your younger self does too. I mean, I think all of our younger selves do. Yes, we got as we're older, we know about the logistics of life better, and we can pay bills and do all the stuff we couldn't do then, which is important, of course. But as far as like some of the actually some of the most important aspects of life, the things that you know we feel that God wants to have for us. Yeah, our younger self was spot on, which is why probably partially why we're encouraged to turn and become like a child. Yeah, our child selves are really smart.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:45

Yes, very smart, actually. No, really smart, especially in the area of emotions because they feel more than they know. So we may be more intellectually smart, but they're smarter emotionally. And just to encourage you, every single person can do this, male or female. It feels impossible because you're so far removed. But the closer you get, like Brian said, you're rediscovering. This is not something outside of yourself that you're experiencing for the first time. These parts of yourself have always been part of yourself from your mother's womb, from even before you were um, you know, cognitive. This is who you are, and it never goes away, and it never actually changes. You are who you are and who you always be. It's just a matter of turning towards yourself and turning towards yourself with affection, compassion.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:49

How how um okay, so I I think I understand turning toward myself. Um I have made it a habit of um comforting um like when I feel upset. Um so I I kind of understand that part. Um, I don't necessarily understand steps or like how to turn to little Brian and how to sit. Like I understand feeling my pain. I'm like, I'm tired of feeling.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:35

That's actually why I didn't go to your pain. I'm like, you got that. This is the part that's difficult is to be with him, to be with that part of yourself.

SPEAKER_04 1:14:45

Like how do I do that?

SPEAKER_00 1:14:47

How do I do it? So what brought you? You actually just did it. You just did it. A few minutes ago did it.

SPEAKER_05 1:14:53

Yeah, you pictured him, you saw him.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:55

You still felt him. I know it didn't feel as dramatic or as big as what you're you actually are eventually going to connect in, but it starts as a seed, a felt experience, even if it's just a little bit, it's cracking away at the barriers we've created to keep ourselves safe.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:17

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:18

It's simple. Our pain makes it complicated, but love is simple. Sometimes a helpful way to do it is to be able, do you have any nieces or nephews or any kids in your life?

SPEAKER_04 1:15:34

Uh not currently, no.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:36

That's okay. Um, have you ever had anyone in your life, like any kids in your life that you felt connected to?

SPEAKER_04 1:15:43

Yeah, I had a um had a niece that yeah, we took care of her when she was two years old. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:53

So if you were looking at that two-year-old niece, if you're taking care of her, then there probably was a reason. She probably had even at two years old, probably needed some love.

SPEAKER_04 1:16:04

Yeah. She needed an adventure.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:08

Yeah. So think about her. Think about how you feel for her. You feel for her pain, but you also enjoyed her. You also saw her. She made you laugh. She made you smile. You thought she was cute. Whatever you felt. I'm not trying to put, you know, thoughts in your mind, but like I'm picturing you as a little two-year-old. And yes, there was times where she probably acted out in pain, but also there's times when she's just a two-year-old girl that was playing and talking and laughing and just being see that feeling that you feel for her. I want you to hold that feeling in your hand, put your hand out, and I want you to hold that feeling you have for her. And then I want you to put it on your five-year-old self. Or your two-year-old self.

SPEAKER_03 1:17:10

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:12

It's not a direct transfer, I know. But it's helping you identify, oh, this is what it feels like. Okay. I can feel that.

SPEAKER_04 1:17:22

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:25

Feel the affection. Feel the enjoyment. Feel the curiosity. Feel the wonder.

unknown 1:17:35

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 1:17:36

I will do this later.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:38

No, no, you're doing great. You're doing so great because, like you said, I'm emphasizing this and I like your questions. And I'm not saying I like your struggle because I want to see you struggle, but I like your struggle because you're actually working through it, the struggle, as you're asking these questions, as your brain's going, I don't know how to do this.

SPEAKER_05 1:17:58

Laura Laura's like a personal trainer, so she really likes to see you sweat a little. And I'm like, if you're not sweating a little, the personal trainer's like, what am I doing here? I can't even make my client sweat.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:09

That actually kind of is true for the purpose of getting stronger and connected and everything like that. And yes, this will be something that you're going to develop. You're going to develop your relationship with you.

SPEAKER_04 1:18:21

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:22

And that takes time and it takes intentionality and it takes being curious.

unknown 1:18:29

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:29

But we crack the door. And when you crack the door, it's a possibility. It'll come. It'll come. You already do love yourself, and you already do know yourself. You've just been avoiding it.

SPEAKER_04 1:18:45

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:46

But as you start to crack that door and look a little bit, you're like, oh, it's not a monster. It's a little boy. Okay. I want to know him. And that will grow.

SPEAKER_04 1:19:01

Okay. I believe you.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:04

Yeah. In the beginning, it does take a little bit of belief because it is hard in the beginning. It's hard for all of us. I remember this is the compassion. Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:19:13

Yeah, so totally what you told me. Like you said, you know, you knew that I was into exercise and all that stuff. You said, I want you to put the same faith that you have in exercise, that exercise is going to benefit your physical body. I want you to put the same faith you have in that in this process for your inner world, you know, for your heart. Okay. That's, and I remember, I still remember you saying that. And that yeah. So I was like, okay, because at first it was kind of like, you know, awkward.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:41

Yeah. Well, and exercise is such a good example because it hurts sometimes exercise when we haven't exercised. And if we just stopped because it hurt and we didn't know what we were doing and we felt out of breath, we would never push for it. But we recognize it's normal to be out of breath. It's normal to be in pain. It's normal not to know. So then you trust the process, even though it hurts, even though it's uncomfortable, even though you're not sure, because it's building something within you.

unknown 1:20:11

Okay. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:20:13

And you can do this. It's just foreign to you. That's all.

SPEAKER_05 1:20:16

One other thing that really helped me, Brian, on the child self part was the definitely the you know, the child picture exercise. And I remember looking at those pictures at first and being like, I didn't even connect that those pictures of little me were actually me. And I remember just staring at them until I could at least just connect with like like that. That actually is me. You know, and it sounds kind of weird, but I was like, when I first looked at the pictures, they I just seemed like some kid. Like it didn't seem like me. But as the more I stared at them and just was with them, I was like, oh yeah, that that's actually me. You know, and like it really connected. Like light bulbs are going off, like, oh, that is me, you know. And guess what? That's still me. Not only was it me, it still is me, you know.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:12

It is still you.

SPEAKER_05 1:21:13

And then putting myself as the screensaver on my phone helped too, you know.

SPEAKER_00 1:21:17

So seeing that little picture on my phone over and over again, you know, really helped me, you know, get to looking at the picture is so valuable, not just the exercise connected to it, because as you're looking at that picture, your brain is gathering thousands of pieces of data, emotional data, intellectual data, all different things. You're gathering things without even realizing yet. So I wouldn't even necessarily do the exercise to connect, I would just stare at that picture five minutes a day for a week.

SPEAKER_04 1:21:46

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:21:47

It's kind of like, did you guys ever, I mean, might be a little bit, I might be a little bit older than you, I'm not sure. But did you ever see those pictures?

SPEAKER_05 1:21:53

You're a lot older than me.

SPEAKER_00 1:21:54

Oh, that's true.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:56

I'm so much older than you guys. You know those pictures where like you stare at them and all of a sudden, like, this dolphin pops out.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:02

But if you're just looking at it, it just looks like print. Yeah. As you like kind of squit your eyes a little bit, you look at it, you're like, there's a dolphin.

SPEAKER_03 1:22:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:10

That's what this process reminds me of sometimes. Here we are, just staring and staring and staring, and we're like, There's no dolphin. There's no dolphin. She told me there's a dolphin. I don't see a dolphin. I'm never gonna see a dolphin. This isn't working. I guess I'll trust you that there's a dolphin there. But it's very similar as we kind of get hone in on it. All of a sudden we're like, there he is.

SPEAKER_04 1:22:30

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:31

So look at that picture habitually, five minutes at least a day for a week, and it will start to pop.

SPEAKER_04 1:22:40

Um I believe you.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:47

No, and that's part of the journey. It's it's either it's do you believe in me, but it's also I believe in me. That's the bigger belief.

SPEAKER_04 1:22:59

Well, uh I think I just didn't recognize the value in doing that.

SPEAKER_00 1:23:05

Yeah. Well, we're we're not taught that.

SPEAKER_04 1:23:09

Like I haven't seen the actual picture in probably three years, I think, or so, maybe two years. Um, but I I distinctly remember how I felt that's I was maybe three or four, you know, and and it's all about play and laughing. Like that's my dad was really good at um making me laugh. Like he just he knew my buttons, you know, and so he would just keep making me laugh, and he would take pictures and did do different things. And I remember all those emotions, you know, and I just didn't I I guess I just didn't recognize the value of uh what that was or what that is, I should say.

SPEAKER_00 1:23:54

Yeah, and and now you do.

SPEAKER_04 1:23:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:23:57

Even just how you explained it the second time, you're already more connected.

SPEAKER_04 1:24:02

Uh such a mystery.

SPEAKER_00 1:24:04

Yeah, it feels like it, but keep keep staring, keep looking. It's gonna pop. You're gonna see it, you're gonna see him. You already are literally how you describe that picture the first time, and how you just described the picture, it's a stronger felt experience.

SPEAKER_04 1:24:20

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:24:20

You're getting it. And then the next time you look at that picture, it'll grow. Yeah. Oh, I'm good with that. Yeah, that's good.

SPEAKER_05 1:24:28

Another another compass, another compassion uh kind of statement that I tell myself a lot is just little by little. This is just little by little. It truly is a game of increments, little by little. You know, and I'm gonna go the distance with you. Like I'm gonna stay with this little by little. I'm gonna stay with this. You know, I'm gonna stay with myself in this process. As much as I want it to happen right away, I mean, the best things in life really don't ever happen that way.

SPEAKER_04 1:24:57

Sure. So no, I'm fixed getting off the podcast.

SPEAKER_00 1:25:04

Well, actually, I want to say this right now is we didn't come to the grand finale conclusion. If we unpause the remote control exercise right now, you would probably still be almost in the same place you were in before because you already recognized it wasn't about work. So you already had paused. You went into your internal world and you recognize things. We went a little bit deeper together, but you're actually still relatively where you first begun. Does that feel mostly true? Besides some insights and some connection points, you kind of are in the same place. So we didn't get the grand finale where we unpause and you're like, I feel so much better.

SPEAKER_04 1:25:43

Well, this has been part of my issue, is that I can feel better. Like I go through like compassion and steps. Yep, but then I come back. It usually takes a couple days, but I come back to being in the same place.

SPEAKER_00 1:25:58

Exactly. And that's why I didn't go back to childhood with you. That's why I didn't go to fix the problem. Because guess what? We could have gone there and it could have felt good, but without this piece that we and that's why I skipped that spot, even though eventually you will go back to that place and be with that little boy and help him not feel lonely by being with getting his needs met. But until we get this piece, okay, we cannot rewire. We can't infuse that coding because you have to infuse it with the same felt experience that we trigger. We have to infuse it with the same connection, okay, the same comfort.

unknown 1:26:43

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:26:43

But if we don't get this piece, all we've done is fix the problem, but it's gonna pop back up again, just like you said. So for people listening, and for you, Brian, it can feel like we didn't conclude. We didn't put the bow on this remote control exercise, and it was nice and clean, and now we're done, and you feel better. But I'm like with what you just said, I'm happy that we're ending right here.

SPEAKER_03 1:27:10

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:11

I don't want to wrap it up because that would be putting like um uh having an infection and just trying to cover it up. All better. I don't want that for you, not because I don't want you to heal and want you to feel loved and cared for and not feel alone, but because I actually want just to be able to go into the wound and properly care for it and properly take care of it so that it actually heals.

SPEAKER_04 1:27:34

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:35

And this is the invitation you have now. You have the next step because the remote control exercise was never meant to be a tool, it was always meant to be coming home and back to yourself, and that's what we accomplished today. We came back to you, even just for a little bit.

unknown 1:27:54

Gotcha.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:55

You had a felt experience, and now as that grows, you'll become the advocate you were meant to be for that little boy. And even more importantly than that, you get to be with him now. The more you know him, the more you get to be with him. And guess what? When you're with you, your loneliness subsides. You have your own built in best friend, no matter what.

SPEAKER_05 1:28:21

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 1:28:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:28:25

Well, thank you, Brian, for taking the time. Absolutely. For being uh vulnerable with everyone. So it's really great.

SPEAKER_00 1:28:34

And thank you for your questions and thank you for being honest. It doesn't feel like it's working. I imagine so many people that have been trying to go through the compassion method have hit a certain spot similar to you and gotten discouraged and gotten frustrated because you're like, Oh, I don't know. And so I love the fact that you're able to be honest with I don't see that or I don't feel that, because that's actually how we can start to actually feel and connect to the parts that we need to.

SPEAKER_04 1:28:56

Thank you. Yeah, you're welcome. I want to change, and that's why I'm that's why I signed up.

SPEAKER_00 1:29:06

So yeah, well, I'm glad you did and do that homework. Stare at that picture of your little self five minutes a day for a week and see what you find, see what you see.

SPEAKER_04 1:29:15

Yeah, thank you.

SPEAKER_00 1:29:16

Yeah, you're welcome.

SPEAKER_05 1:29:18

All right. Well, thank you. And uh Laura, I'm assuming you probably have a hard stop right now. I probably do need to go. I got another meeting you got to get to, but uh yeah, yeah. So thank you for uh joining us for your lunchtime, uh Brian. Yeah, and uh thank you, Brian. Absolutely. See you later. Have a good day. You bet, you too. Bye-bye. So thank you everyone again for joining us for this very special episode of Triggered and True, where we did a live walkthrough with two wonderful individuals, Mel and Brian, who are gracious enough and brave enough to volunteer to walk through the remote control exercise uh live in front of our listening audience. I think you can also see a big difference between how they both went. So with Mel, I would say it was more similar to like a traditional uh remote control exercise where Laura, you know, there was a start point and there was an end point, and Laura was able to work through all of the steps and help Mel get some get some really big breakthrough. And it was really, really powerful to be a part of that. With Brian, Laura took a little bit of a different approach. You know, instead of just trying to get through the exercise, she recognized that there was a sticking point. And that sticking point had to do with Brian's ability to connect to his younger self. And I think he even made a comment in there about um, you know, I can, I can see it, I can, I can see him, but I don't really want to go there. And um, you know, that's something I could definitely uh relate to. And I think perhaps, maybe, in a lot of cases, it is a little bit harder for men. Um, we've been trained to not be vulnerable, to not be soft. And it takes an element of softness, of vulnerability to be able to reconnect with our younger selves. So Laura's goal is not just to, you know, work through a process and check all the boxes and you know, try to help people feel better at the end of the remote control exercise. The goal isn't about just feeling better. The goal is about discovering. And uh, as I talked about in the episode with Brian, um, rediscovering, you know, who we were created to be, like who we are, what makes us tick. Like Brian talked about, he loved to, he was filled with joy as a kid and he loved to laugh and all of those things, these things that might be a lot harder for us to do as adults, these things that we put away because we're hurting, because we have unmet need, or maybe because they cause disconnection with our caregivers. The goal is to rediscover those aspects of ourselves. So I just really want to encourage everybody in their process that um, you know, if you start a remote control exercise and you get a little stuck, that's okay. That just means that there's an area of pain that you have that's blocking the flow. And I hope that today's episode gives you some ideas of how you can work through that yourself. Gives you some ideas of how you can help reconnect to your younger self and discover just who you are. Because who you are is amazing. You're one of a kind. There has never been anybody in the past or ever will be anybody in the future exactly like you. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Until next time, thank you again for listening. And we hope you enjoyed and found some value from this episode. And thank you again to Mel and Brian for your bravery and for your willingness to share your hearts with our listening and viewing audience. Goodbye.