Ep. (59) The Remote-Control Exercise – Live Walkthrough with Myles and Lorilyn

What if the anxiety — or the shutdown — that's followed you for years isn't chasing you, but is a scared, lonely child trying to get your attention?

In this episode of Triggered & True, Laura Duncan and co-host Brian Freise continue their live walkthroughs of the remote control exercise with two brave volunteers, and the pairing is illuminating — because Laura takes two very different people down two very different paths to the same place.

First, Miles from Sweden brings a trigger that's shaped much of his life: 

Intense nighttime anxiety and panic attacks that have surfaced in months-long waves at ages 10, 18, and now 35, each time carrying the fear that "this is going to be my whole life." 

Rather than hunt for the cause, Laura treats the anxiety as a messenger, explaining why all his knowledge and formulas couldn't reach it — when anxiety hits, you're not in your adult brain, you're back in the amygdala, where "anxiety is a wild animal chasing you." 

She walks him back to his 10-year-old self, not to fix him but to know and be with him, and they find a boy who felt alone and unprotected. 

The comfort is simple but difficult: "adopt little Miles as a third child" and be with him the way Miles already is with his own two kids.

Then Lori Lynn, joining from Hawaii, shares a trigger many will recognize: 

Her body shutting down around people of authority, or whenever she can't be heard. 

Laura maps it to freeze and fawn, and helps her actually feel the pain rather than manage it — then uses what Brian calls a "ninja skill," gently shifting which caregiver Lori Lynn brings in when the first one can't hold the moment, until compassion breaks it open. 

Her session lands on hope, and on one of the episode's most powerful truths: we can't change what happened to us, but we can infuse it with love — and while a wound may always hurt, it doesn't have to hurt the same, because who you are is bigger than anything that's happened to you.

In this episode: 

🔹 Two live walkthroughs, two unique paths to healing — Miles from Sweden and Lori Lynn from Hawaii 

🔹 Miles: lifelong nighttime anxiety traced to a lonely, unprotected 10-year-old — and the "adopt him as a third child" comfort 

🔹 Why knowledge and formulas can't reach a trigger: the adult "website" vs. the child "coding" 

🔹 Lori Lynn: freezing and fawning around authority, and learning to feel the pain instead of managing it 

🔹 "We can't change what happened, but we can infuse it with love" — why a wound can still hurt, but not the same

A gentle note: in one of these walkthroughs, a guest bravely touches on painful childhood experiences, including harm by someone who was meant to care for them. It's handled with real tenderness and hope, but if that's close to your own story, be gentle with yourself as you listen — and if you're struggling, please reach out to someone you trust.

📩 Get your free Weekly Dose of Compassion — two short notes in your inbox every week. One to speak over yourself. One from Laura: https://www.lauraduncan.com/pl/2148814868

🔗 Learn more: https://triggeredandtrue.com https://lauraduncan.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:29

Hello, everyone, and welcome to this episode of Triggered and True, where we are continuing doing live walkthroughs of the remote control exercise with some very brave podcast listeners. And the courageous and brave listener we have today is Miles, who's joining us from Sweden. And Laura is going to do her magic and work work Miles, Miles through a trigger that he's been dealing with for some time. So, Laura, I'll turn it over to you.

SPEAKER_01 0:57

All right. So first step in the process is just identifying what the trigger is. And you can share it in a nutshell because it's not so much about every single detail, but giving us a little bit of an idea of what the trigger is is really helpful because then we kind of know what you're going through and then I'll kind of take it from there. So the first step is actually pausing whatever it is and identifying, okay, what's this trigger right now? So if you want to share a little bit about um what's been triggering you, it'll give us some context to walk through.

SPEAKER_03 1:27

Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's ebbs and flows for six months, but this has happened when I was 10 and it lasted three months, and when I was 18, which lasted about three months, and now 35, and it's lasted about six months this time, um, with ebbs and flows. But the the basics are uh there can be like some pretty heavy-duty uh anxiety attacks, like panic attacks with like sweating and feeling very, very super super intense. And it usually, well, there's ebbs and flows, but somehow it mostly arises in the night. So then there could be like a you know a build-up in the daytime of what will happen in the night. Um, but yeah, there's these ebbs and flows where it's like, oh, I'm getting I'm coming out of it, and then being like, whoa, that's even worse than it was. It's gonna be my whole life. And you know, yeah. So ebbs and flows of of that, and uh that's the the basics.

SPEAKER_01 2:44

Yeah. Do you notice uh do you have some insomnia too, or is it just like when you're going to sleep at night?

SPEAKER_03 2:51

No, there's no insomnia. I'm I'm actually when this kind of trigger isn't happening, which is most my life, it hasn't been happening. Um, I can fall asleep anytime, anywhere, very easily, and have great dreams. It's just like during this thing, um there is the fear that it will last throughout the night. And when it's very when it's very hardcore like ebb and flow of it, then it could be like that for a couple days or a week or something. It's just very unpredictable and um but no insomnia really.

SPEAKER_01 3:36

Yeah. All right. So yeah, so that's just an ongoing trigger ultimately of anxiety. Um and so we're gonna kind of go through what you're feeling. Most people at this point would try to figure out what's causing it, which we actually don't want to figure out what's causing it. We want to figure out how you feel in it because anxiety is a messenger and it's trying to tell you a message, but become because it becomes in a uncomfortable expression feeling, we usually end up resisting it or suppressing it instead of inviting anxiety to tell us the story. Because there's a story that anxiety wants to tell you, but we're avoidant of that story. And we all are, it's not just you. We're all avoidant of that story because we weren't created to feel pain. We weren't created to feel anxiety, we weren't created to feel these things, so it goes against our natural design to be able to, you know, when we feel that anxiety, we're automatically gonna be pushing it away, and then often anxiety becomes the problem. But where anxiety is not a problem, it's actually trying to help you. So we want to listen and we listen by feeling, and so we're gonna connect to what are some of your reaction emotions when you're in those anxiety moments. Um, what emotions would you connect to? Maybe give me like three or four emotions that you commonly feel.

SPEAKER_03 5:06

Definitely um whatever kind of word you want to use for like panic, like uh, yeah. Frantic, yeah, yeah. Frantic and like super stuck in it, like no way out.

SPEAKER_01 5:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 5:26

Um yeah, the sense of not being um strong enough to get out or capable of any kind, kind of like hopeless, yeah. Basically, hopeless, stuck, panic, kind of desperate.

SPEAKER_01 5:46

Yeah. And then if you were feeling those frantic, panicked, desperate emotions, um, what are you when you're in those moments, where do you feel like you want to displace it? Do you end up blaming yourself? Do you end up blaming the anxiety? Do you blame other people? Do you blame God? Where do you where do you want to displace it at? That's what blame is. It's displacing our pain.

SPEAKER_03 6:12

I'm definitely not blaming anyone or I can't think of any type of blame. It's more like I'm just wanting it to stop, but not really having anything to point it at. Like any any type of blame.

SPEAKER_01 6:31

So it's more of something that feels like it's happening to you.

SPEAKER_03 6:34

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 6:35

But doesn't feel like you're doing it, doesn't feel like someone else is doing it, it doesn't feel like God's doing it, it just feels like it's happening to you.

SPEAKER_03 6:42

Yeah, and actually maybe there is some blame because you could kind of it's kind of like I told my wife, like, even when the ebbs and flows are are better and I'm able to feel a little bit more normal, you can still like sense the like Chris Valentin says the dogs of doom at the doorstep to your destiny. But if I like take that and tweak it, it's kind of like the dogs of doom at the doorstep. So you can still hear the door rattling, and you're like, okay, do I have it secured shut? Like, I don't want that busting open today, you know, or something. So then in your own thoughts, you can kind of like think about it too much or go down that path in your mind and then kind of make it happen to yourself, or kind of like yield into it. And then in those times, it's maybe blaming yourself because it's the feeling that you don't have the self-control to think better thoughts or way out of it, you know, like to be stronger and yeah, having self-control. That so then I think that's the only blame that I can imagine. I think.

SPEAKER_01 8:01

Yeah, it's good, it's good to articulate it because whatever we're blaming, we're gonna distract from feeling, and we want to be able to recognize that to be able to connect with yourself, and especially if you're blaming yourself, that's gonna cause a disconnection when we go to be with you in this, because that's our goal. We're not just going through steps, we actually want to sit with you in the anxiety, we want to be together in it. Yes, and because that's one of the things that you think you said you you experienced it when you're 10 years old. The being with is what helps us know we're okay when we're scared. But you had anxiety come up, and whether your parents knew how to help you or not, it doesn't sound like you were able to have someone be with you in it. So now it feels like it's happening to you.

SPEAKER_03 8:51

Absolutely, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:52

Versus if you had a mommy and a daddy literally holding you, holding your hand in it, it wouldn't be so scary. It's like when parents go in with a child, like they're scared of the dark, and they, you know, go in with them and they turn the lights on and they open up the closets and they look underneath the bed together, and they go and they they're with them in it. Not to tell them it's not true, not real, but to be able to go and be with wherever they were scared together. And that's what you needed. So you're still actually in the nightmare, and it's coincidental, it's not coincidental that it happens at nighttime because it's a little boy ultimately that didn't get what he needed. And whenever you feel that same feeling, your brain doesn't know if you're 10 or 18 or 34. Your brain doesn't know the difference. So we really want to be with that little boy, and so in order to be with, we have these big hopeless emotions, like you were saying, panic, anxiety, frantic, and we're just trying to like manage it, get out of it, think it through, trying to do all these things. And what we want to do is we want to just calm for a minute, and you can even put your hand back here because this is your amygdala that's seeing the world through this lens. Your amygdala is your fight or flight, and it's sending you anxiety signals, and we want to be able to say, Hey, what's going on? When you make a contact with yourself, because you're a physical, you describe some physical sensations when you're in it, right? Yeah, you experience some physical aspects to it.

SPEAKER_03 10:33

Yeah, definitely.

SPEAKER_01 10:35

So then you want to do some type of physical connection. You want to connect with your physical body, we want to connect with your mind, we want to connect with your heart. You want to be with each part of you. Now we're gonna sit with you in it. And if we funnel it down, do you feel more sad, more scared, or more lonely? Or combination?

SPEAKER_03 11:06

Yeah, it's a combo for sure. I'm not sure which one it would be more, but I think the um scared, maybe number one. Maybe with the lonely. It's yeah, well, yeah, I think it's scared and then lonely in the scared.

SPEAKER_01 11:26

Yeah, because no one's with you in the scared. So it's a lonely scared.

SPEAKER_03 11:30

Totally.

SPEAKER_01 11:31

All alone and scared.

SPEAKER_03 11:34

Yes, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 11:38

So we want to start. You're his advocate, and that's a young, because we know it started when you were 10. We can go to 10 or we can go around there, and that's who we want to help go through this because your adult self, your adult brain is like a website. You're trying to manage it through your faith, through emotional health, through I don't know what other forms, but you you try to manage it. You try to find the formula and the solution so we can get rid of this uncomfortable feeling.

SPEAKER_03 12:06

And the things that I've learned that didn't help at all.

SPEAKER_01 12:09

No, exactly because it's your adult brain. Your adult brain is like a website, you can't change it. So we learn all these things, we go to these schools, we read these books, we have this knowledge, and it all lives in our sophisticated brain. But when you get stuck in that anxiety, like you described, you're no longer in your sophisticated adult brain that has all the knowledge of how to get out of this. Your brain is going back to your amygdala, your child brain, and you don't know anything when you're in that anxiety. That's why it can feel so confusing and so difficult to see, like you know, like it even can sometimes feel like foggy or you know, like you can't see clearly because you're in that amygdala. So then everyone's like, oh no, I'm in this part of my brain, and this is getting like this feels like a predator's chasing me because that's your fight or flight part of your brain. So anxiety is a wild animal chasing you. And so what we want to do is we want to connect with your amygdala so and so we can connect with that sad and scared. And we know our amygdala, the bigger the trigger, the younger you are. So your child self, your zero to 12 years old, your early childhood development is your coding. If you change the coding, the website changes automatically. You automatically can hear anxiety's message instead of resisting it like you've done most of your life. So if we go back to being 10, we want to be an advocate for that little boy. We want to go back and rewire the brain. We can't change the story, but we can infuse that 10-year-old's life with love, safety, someone to be with. When someone's with you, the anxiety lessens. So if we were going back for that 10-year-old, are you able to do you have a memory of your 10-year-old self? Not like a specific one, but do you remember him?

SPEAKER_03 14:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:30

Because some people have different different varieties of um memory retention. And so that's good that you can see him. So one very important thing about the compassion method is we're not just going back to help him with his anxiety, we're going back to know him, to see him, to understand him, to hold him, to be with him. His anxiety matters, but he matters more. So let's take a look at him first. Before we look at his anxiety, let's look at him. Can you tell me a couple things about him that you notice that you know about him?

SPEAKER_03 15:15

Well, he's he seems kind of shy, shy at or um curious and contemplative and tough and uh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:44

Yeah, that's good. Do you like him?

SPEAKER_03 15:49

Yeah, I think he's cool. I I think he's cool.

SPEAKER_01 15:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 15:53

Yeah. Yeah, I have I have a heart for the 10-year-old Miles.

SPEAKER_01 16:00

Yeah, I love that. And that's so important because this is about a love relationship, not about a fixing relationship. That little boy does not need to be fixed, nor do you. You don't need to change, you don't need to get better. You're already perfectly miles. You just have some pain that's covering you up. And we want to sit with you at that. So if we sat, if we went back and we sat with 10-year-old Miles, what's he feeling?

SPEAKER_03 16:39

Alone. Yeah. And unprotected.

SPEAKER_01 16:46

Yeah. Of course, there's good things too, but if I'm just thinking of the pain and the anxiety, if you were to sit with him in his pain, you see the loneliness he's going through.

SPEAKER_03 16:58

Yeah, definitely lonely and unprotected.

SPEAKER_01 17:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 17:06

And not connected with. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:11

Yeah. So he's lacking attachment.

SPEAKER_03 17:15

Oh, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 17:16

To caregivers. Yeah. He wants to be attached, connected.

SPEAKER_03 17:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:22

To be with. Yeah. Universally, we all want someone to be with us. But when I picture your 10-year-old self, I can feel like he really likes to be with people. Like it's part of who he was created to be. So it's extra painful and extra lonely when it's something that's so precious to us.

SPEAKER_03 17:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:45

And we're not receiving it. Because it's not just the loneliness isn't being held. No one's being with you, enjoying, playing, protecting, holding.

SPEAKER_03 18:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:01

That's where your anxiety comes from. All anxiety is wanting to say is, hey, we really want connection. We really want to be with. And it starts with you being with him. So that's what we're gonna do. We're just gonna sit with him for maybe ten seconds, twenty seconds. Just sit with him.

SPEAKER_03 19:04

Um, because I was just kind of sitting with that younger part of me and kind of just holding on to him. And that that younger part of me was just feeling like, is this really gonna like this feeling like is this really real? Is this really gonna last? Or is this not being confident that he's really uh having somebody?

SPEAKER_01 19:33

Yeah, yeah. Well, think about if you were a foster kid and you got into a really good home that was good, Christian, loving home, and they gave you a hug. That's what you'd be thinking, too. Is this too good to be true? Is this gonna last? Can I believe this? That's why we're gonna come back for him. You're gonna come back for him as his advocate, as the only person that knows him and can actually bring what he needs, because nobody apart from God knows that little boy. You have the privilege and the honor when he sends anxious feelings to say, Hey, buddy, what's going on? I'm right here with you. And guess what happens? You do that every day for a week. Every time anxiety comes up, hey buddy, what do you want to tell me? I'm right here with you. I'm scared again, but it's okay. I'll hold you, I'll protect you, I'll be with you. If you if it feels too triggering for you, you can bring other love sources in to be with him. And as he gets that feeling of, you're not gonna leave me, you're gonna keep coming back for me, it will be true. He will be able to believe it. But it takes consistent repetition of being with him to heal his loneliness. Then he'll know it's true. And then guess what? He'll stop sending the message of anxiety because you heard him. And he's no longer lonely. Because our greatest loneliness will always be the disconnection from ourselves. But if you reconnect with yourself, you'll never be lonely.

SPEAKER_03 21:44

Yeah. Yeah, I was telling my wife yesterday or the day before that I just realized that now I just realized that I've been in this formula fix it thing with everything, actually. Not just with myself, but with kind of everything. And it just only dawned on me about a week ago that it's not about um it's not about doing things from a formula mindset, but a relational mindset.

SPEAKER_00 22:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:28

And I Told her this is gonna be tricky, I think, because when those signals are coming up that triggers, because right now I came to Sweden and and there's been some connection and some breakthrough or whatever you want to call it. And so it's been like easier. And I just told Camilla, I think like I'm scared of the little miles, like the little miles that get scared, I'm scared of him because he's just capable of just going crazy. It's like, and I'm like, oh, but I have to learn to be with that younger part of me that just freaks out because that younger part still feels alone. So exactly the thing of like learning to be with is I think this um topic of the past week that I've been thinking about.

SPEAKER_01 23:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 23:28

So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:29

Yeah, and it will feel foreign at first. It's very common to feel resistance to wanting to connect with our younger selves because you're him and he's you, you know. And so sometimes we feel so triggered, we feel so little that we feel like it's like the blind leading the blind, you know, or when you know you're drowning and you're like trying to get to the surface, it's kind of like what how it works. But this is the cool thing. When you can be in your true self, you can be with yourself, but this is the key. I call you an advocate for yourself because you either become the being with, or you bring someone else to be with. And so when you're in a triggered state, you need an adult to be with you. And if you can't be an adult, you find an adult, an adult memory that can be with you. So when right now, while you're here in Sweden with family, start writing a list of men and women that you specifically feel protected, attached and affection, known. That feeling of someone being with you. So start making lists of men and women in your life that you felt that feeling with. That's what you're gonna want to bring to your heart in those moments. So with the remote control exercise, we started with the trigger, we connected to those reaction emotions, the anxiety, and how it plays out. And underneath it, when you bring it all the way down, it's actually just scared and lonely. That's the root of your anxiety. Now we want to take that, we want to hold it and say, What do you need? And you already said several things that you needed, but it with the remote control exercise, there's 10 of the different needs we have. One is protection, one is affection. I feel like the scene and heard, because I feel like that's the kind of the essence of someone being with you. So now we know that's what that little boy needs. It's not complicated, it feels complicated because the anxiety feels so big. But underneath it, it's just a sad, lonely little boy that needs to be protected and held. And when you start to hold him, his whole being will go. So you're gonna consistently and repetitiously just be with him. You don't have to know what to say, you don't have to know what to do. Just like you'd be with your wife, just like you'd be with your family, just like you would be with your friends. Just be with him. That's all he needs. And you do that wow.

SPEAKER_03 26:22

And I can imagine, well, I was gonna say I can imagine uh people listening potentially um wondering how to do that in the beginning, because that's exactly what I'm wondering.

SPEAKER_02 26:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:36

So is it okay that good question when you're learning to be with yourself, that it's okay that you don't feel like you're pulling it off, or that you're right things, or you're definitely gonna feel that.

SPEAKER_01 26:50

You're gonna wonder, is this even working? Remember, you're the little foster kid in that moment, and you're and your adult brain's triggered, so it's thinking the same thing. Is this real? Is it gonna work? But it's the consistent repetition of saying, I'm showing up. I don't know what to say to you, I don't know what to do. And I don't know if you and your wife are ever gonna have children, but it's the same thing you're gonna use with your children.

SPEAKER_03 27:13

We have two. Oh, you do?

SPEAKER_01 27:15

Okay, cool. So you probably know this with your kids. You don't always know what's going on with them. You know, you go through hungry, tired, you know, all the things, but there's sometimes they're just having a big emotion for no reason at all that you know of. They probably have a reason, but you don't know it. But what do you do? I'm right here with you. Yeah, I'm not gonna leave you. I'm not scared of your big emotions. You I'm safe for you to have big emotions with. That's all your kids need.

SPEAKER_03 27:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:47

So you're gonna be with yourself just like you are with your kids. You're gonna adopt a third child for a week or two. And it's gonna be little miles, and he's gonna hang out with your family for a little while.

SPEAKER_04 28:00

It's not just gonna be a week or two.

SPEAKER_01 28:02

No, exactly. No, it will not just be a week or two, but the concentration of being very intentional with him for a duration of time.

SPEAKER_03 28:11

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:15

Do you have any thoughts, Brian? Yeah, yeah. Very simple. Just think exactly what you do with your kids. Do that with little Miles. Simple. Do you have any thoughts, Brian?

SPEAKER_04 28:32

I do, but I want to make sure Miles. Do you have any questions that are coming to mind right now?

SPEAKER_03 28:38

It's mostly the consistency thing that I can be okay with it feeling like foreign or um that I can be okay with the the new discomfort.

SPEAKER_01 29:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 29:02

And that it's okay to feel like it's not working, and like, am I being with myself the right way? I I need to have grace on myself too, because now that I know I'm so I've been so um formula-ish about my mindset in things. Now I can do things more relationally, but also have grace that I'm not just gonna be perfectly relational with.

SPEAKER_01 29:31

No, you're literally gonna have moments where you're like, I don't know what to do. I know you're anxious right now. I know you're scared, I know you're lonely, but I do not know what to do with you right now. But I'm still gonna show up, even if I don't know what to do.

SPEAKER_03 29:44

Yeah. So just showing up, I think that's the the thing. And also showing up when like micro showing up when I'm busy, you know, doing so many things and these kinds of feelings can come. And I and I, and so also the micro moments, like yeah, right here.

SPEAKER_01 30:04

It if you when you just check in with yourself occasionally, it makes such a big difference, you know. It's just kind of touching bases. Hey, I can feel your anxiousness. I'm just letting you know I'm right here with you. As soon as we're done with this, I'll sit with you. Yeah, you can make an appointment with yourself in the middle of the busyness, in the middle of the anxiety that says, I hear you and I see you. And when we're done here, I'll sit with you. But just like kids, it doesn't take hours. What happens when your kids fall down? You pick them up, you comfort them. And what happens usually within like a minute or two? They're squirming down, they're running off and playing, they're laughing and joking, and they've moved on. That's all you need. You just need to be picked up periodically throughout the day and held, and then you'll squirm down, you'll go play again.

SPEAKER_03 31:01

Yeah, and I think also an encouraging thing for me and maybe somebody who has been having something like this for so many months. I know that's it could be like, yeah, I think it takes a lot longer for me than my kid, you know, six months, it's of course, yeah. Yeah, I think also I'm thinking, well, how long have I been being with myself? Um and being relational about it. And if I'm honest with that, I would say, well, one week out of six months. Um, because the past six months have been about fixing, and that's pretty much it.

SPEAKER_02 31:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 31:46

95% fixing. And now I realize like it's actually about knowing your true self and seeing who you really are. And of course, coming into your true self is going to feel a lot better too. But I guess uh yeah, I guess the thing that would be encouraging is that as long as I'm doing it the right way, not kidding. As long as I'm like, as long as I'm checking in with myself consistently, then I can I can hope. And yeah that the yeah, that you will definitely will grow, basically.

SPEAKER_01 32:27

You will, because the more your amygdala is cared for, your child brain is cared for, it'll calm and the more your sophisticated brain will come back on. And that means that you'll be functioning from your true self. You'll be knowing the difference of the hope when you're connected to who you are, and the hopeless when you're stuck in a trigger. You're gonna explore what it feels like when you're in a triggered state. What does your mind feel? What does your um your heart feel? What is your body feeling? And then in addition, you can be looking at your true self. What does your body feel when you're in your true self? What does your mind think when you're in your true self? What does your heart feel when you're in your true self? And you start to recognize the difference between your true self and your triggered self. Both are valuable, both are important. We want to know what brain we're thinking from.

SPEAKER_03 33:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 33:36

It's good. I like that foster child analogy because if you if you can just think about it, you know, logically, if you brought a foster child into your home, it's not gonna go according to script. Like you could have a social worker say, This is, you know, you know, it's gonna look like this, and then and then every day is gonna be some different. So we're so disconnected from ourselves, it is legitimately like you know, our little self is a foster child because we are so disconnected. Yeah, and that would that's why she used that analogy because a foster child lacks connection, they didn't have connection with their parents, they got placed in another environment, and and I think that can help you deal with some of the perfectionist aspects of trying to do it right because you're like, yeah, if I brought a foster child in my home, like it's gonna be messy, not gonna it's gonna be messy.

SPEAKER_01 34:39

Yeah, it's gonna be messy, and um yeah, so you're not always gonna know, and you're not always gonna even want to sometimes, but it's that commitment to relationship that says, I will keep showing up even if I don't know what to do or how to do it.

SPEAKER_04 35:01

You know, there's a there's uh some things I'd like to summarize that Laura said. First of all, Laura, I would say you were fire. Like you, I just want to encourage the listeners. Like, this is I think all the podcasts are things you can listen to over and over again. But as Laura was launching in there, she was nailing so many things that we have talked about that I remember coming up from our one-on-one sessions. And I just want to underscore a few of them because they're so good. Okay. The first one is anxiety as a messenger, anxiety as your friend, trying to help you. Okay, not something to push away, something to embrace. Who thinks about who thinks about anxiety that way? You know, it's like the kingdom of God, like everything's upside down. This is an upside down concept, like anxiety. Our entire culture is trying to figure out how to avoid anxiety. How do we get rid of it? And Laura's saying, oh, wouldn't that be a shame? That would be horrible to get rid of anxiety because anxiety has a message, it's trying to help you, and that is that is such a such a powerful concept. Um, another really big one I really wanted to underscore that she mentioned was the goal of the remote control and anything, all of the compassion method, a huge part of it is learning to be with yourself in it. Because if you can learn to be with yourself when the anxiety attack comes, that little you know that it's never alone. Because you are always there with him. And I remember when I was learning this with Laura, she talked about, I talked about how a little different, like yours came at night, my anxiety comes in the morning. It's the worst when I wake up. And and I manage it by doing. So I get up and I want to get right to doing, you know, and then she gave me homework. Like, you know, no, no, lay in bed for a little while. I'm like, what? Lay in bed, let yourself feel it. Don't just let yourself feel it. Actually invite it and say, okay, come up, anxiety, come up, and let myself feel it, and then learn to be with it. And one of the ways that I learned to be with it, definitely uh one of the compassion method statements that really resonated with me and still does, just to a lesser degree, because I feel the pain's more comforted, but is the statement, I will sit with you until you feel safe. So I legitimately thought about a time in my life when I was really scared. I went back to a little time when I was a little scared. There was a big storm coming. I exactly remember, grew up in the Midwest uh of the United States. There's lots of big storms, thunderstorms in the summertime. A big storm was coming. I was really scared. I tried to get comfort from my mom. She was really scared too, so that didn't go over real well. You know, no, she just didn't have it to give in that moment. She didn't have comfort to give in that moment. I remember sitting on the couch. I remember the color of the couch. I remember the designs on the couch. I remember where on the couch I sat. I remember looking out the window at what was coming at us. I remember all of that. And in my mind, I just pictured myself, my adult self, sitting there next to him. Like he was alone because mom couldn't be with him, but really he wasn't. He isn't now. I was able to sit with him. And I felt so honored to be able to sit there with him. I actually asked Laura, I said, Laura, when do I bring in, you know, uh another gift giver? Like, I don't want to bring somebody else in. I want to be there with him. I don't want anybody else to be there. I want to be there because that feels like an honor to be able to do that. And she said, um, that was really, she's like, that's really great. The key is that an adult can be there. So if you can be an adult in that moment, it's awesome that you can be there. But if I can't be an adult in that moment, I have to go find an adult. So that's where the art and science of this kind of comes in. That's an art, that's an artsy thing. You know what I'm saying? It's like, do I feel like I can be with my little self as an adult in that moment, or do I have to go find another gift giver? And interestingly, that being scared of storms, that whole fear, it I was so paranoid about it when I was little. Somewhere around my teenage years, it completely went away and turned into kind of like a fascination. So, like, that's why my adult self, I think, can be with myself, little self in that, in that so well. But uh, that was a big one. And then one other thing I wanted to underscore was um managing versus feeling. The managing, that's what we typically do with anxiety, you know. Like, let's say you go through this big period of your life, you're not feeling it, you're managing it, and it'll work for a while. And one of the things I remember speaking with to a to a women's group with Laura, I said, we hope, we hope, the great hope is that the circumstances of life get to the point eventually where we can't manage them.

SPEAKER_00 40:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 41:00

And it kind of gets so extreme that we can no longer manage it because then our heart can actually get what it's just managing your triggers or managing in this case your anxiety the rest of your life is living such a second, secondary life compared to what you were called to be. You know, it's just it's it's so second rate compared to where we were created to live, you know. So we hope that the circumstances in life. So there again, you know, thank you, anxiety. Thank you that you're having that anxiety attack in the night. Because now you'll finally listen to the messenger.

SPEAKER_03 41:44

And I think it was also obviously not dealt with because it has come back. Yeah, I remember when it first came again six months ago. I was like, what? Because it came at such a good point in life. Like it was my wife and I, our anniversary, and like there's no reason at all why we couldn't do that. Yeah, and it was like I just woke up with it and I was like, what the heck? This I'm like way past this, you know? And now I'm thinking, of course, it wasn't dealt with, and I can't believe how the tools I was given fed into the problem. Like, I'm not gonna get into that now because that's another story.

SPEAKER_04 42:32

We don't we don't want to we don't want to blame the tools even saying even saying they fed into the problem, I would say they worked for a period. And and there's lots of profile. They there's lots of things we can do to manage it. You know, I looked at all the we c we call them protectors, and she has a whole thing. And one way to look at the protectors in a much more positive light is I look at them as stand-ins. The protectors are a stand-in for until we can bring like the real thing. Like that protector is actually us doing the best we can, the best we know. Like we haven't received more knowledge, we haven't received more skills to be able to bring in the real thing. And that protector is just us doing the best we can with what we know. So those tools or whatever you were taught was just you doing the best you could with what you knew. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, you know, and now there's something that we've that you've learned and that you're learning that's better. So that I can just that I can just blame them.

SPEAKER_01 43:38

No, I know exactly. Isn't that fun?

SPEAKER_04 43:41

That's so tempting. It's so tempting. No, but yeah, they're they're helpful. So to kind of to kind of land the ship here, I think one of the things that Laura said at the end, and I think this is just a really great place to wrap up, was what you're what you're doing and what she just walked you through was a process to infuse your 10-year-old with love.

unknown 44:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 44:09

And as you're infusing your 10-year-old with love, your 10-year-old is being with. You're being with yourself, and maybe we're bringing in another gift giver as a bridge to yourself, but you today. Don't have to be with anybody else. Your little self might need to be with an adult if you can't be that adult in the moment. But as the healing comes, you won't have to bring in gift givers.

SPEAKER_01 44:45

Because you'll be full automatically.

SPEAKER_04 44:48

You'll have the gifts. You'll be able to be with yourself. And it's the being with that. It's your brain knowing that in those moments, if it's with, that's the recoding. It won't have to send those anxiety signals anymore because it knows that it's that 10-year-old's not scared anymore.

SPEAKER_01 45:10

Yeah. Mission accomplished. Yes.

SPEAKER_04 45:15

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 45:16

Anxiety has a mission and it won't stop. It's relentless to come. Thank you, anxiety. Yeah, to send you that signal so that you can get what you need. So you don't go hungry.

SPEAKER_03 45:27

I'm gonna say thank you, thank you, and faith.

SPEAKER_01 45:30

Yeah. No, it does take some faith. It's the same thing as that ball should kid. You're like, is it? Can it be? Can it be that good?

SPEAKER_04 45:38

Could I ever really think anxiety? Impossible.

SPEAKER_02 45:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 45:44

It's great. So it's still definitely a process of you going and spending that time. So it's not just we learn today, which we did learn today, but we actually learned from our heart today. And you're gonna take what you learn from your heart and you're gonna apply it throughout the week. And like Brian said, it'll be longer than that, but take this with you to be intentional, to be able to be connecting with yourself.

SPEAKER_03 46:11

Yeah. Yeah. Sounds like a very solid, legit plan. There you go. Sounds like sounds like what the the little the little the younger part of me needs.

SPEAKER_01 46:22

Oh, yeah. I can see he's very happy. He's like, finally, you got the message.

SPEAKER_04 46:28

Stop fixing me, dang it. Just be with me. It's like it's like my kid, wait till your kids are teenagers. It'll be like, quit trying to solve my problems. I just want to talk. Oh, oh, okay. I just I just went right into fix it mode. Who do you want me to call? Who do you want me to beat up? You know, who do you want me to whatever, you know? Whose parents do I need to chew out?

SPEAKER_01 46:49

You know, when you're younger, you can do more because they're your kids are younger, but as they get older, the skill that you're gonna learn to be with your younger you will allow you to be with your kids.

SPEAKER_04 46:59

My daughter came to me with one yesterday, and I was like, there's absolutely nothing I can do to fix that. I'm like, I'm like, I could call no, that ain't gonna work. Like, there's nothing. So I'm like, okay, I just get to listen and let her know that I'm there. Like, do you want to talk about it? What do you want from me? You know, and I gotta turn off the fixing, which is tough stuff. Totally. Well, Miles, thank you so much. Uh thanks, Miles, for being on here and sharing and for being vulnerable.

SPEAKER_03 47:33

That's awesome. Thank you for the I want to say tools, but I think you gotta do that. Yes, I do.

SPEAKER_01 47:41

I know it's hard to your brain starts shifting a little bit. You're like, wait a second.

SPEAKER_04 47:44

We can still call them tools. Yeah, you can still call them tools. We just gotta use the tools the right way. That's how we use them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very good. Awesome. All right, well, thanks, Miles. Yeah, thanks a lot, Miles. Thank you. Bye-bye.

SPEAKER_00 48:01

See you later.

SPEAKER_04 48:07

Hello, and welcome everyone to this uh episode of Triggered and True, where we're continuing doing our live walkthroughs with brave folks that have decided to volunteer uh to have Laura walk them through the remote control exercise for um the whole world to hear. So uh today we have with us Lori Lynn, and she is joining us from Hawaii. And uh before we begin, uh Lori Lynn, can you just share how you first heard about uh the Triggered and True podcast and how you first were exposed to it?

SPEAKER_00 48:42

So actually, I took a course a couple years ago um called Alive and Free with Sammy and Spencer. And uh Laura actually would come in and coach as a guest. And then I as like I went through that process of learning my triggers and being aware of like why I'm getting triggered and um like just entering the healing process of that. I wanted like my heart just wanted more of it, and I just remember Laura like just with so much compassion and I didn't know how to like access to the sitting with that. So I was searching for more and searching her name, and I found your podcast and she was in it.

SPEAKER_04 49:30

So there you go.

SPEAKER_00 49:32

That's perfect. I love that.

SPEAKER_04 49:34

Yeah, awesome. So uh Laura, why don't you go ahead and and get us started?

SPEAKER_01 49:39

Yeah, so we'll go ahead and walk through a trigger that you've been having. And usually, like if I'm meeting with like a client one-on-one, I'll kind of say, you know, I'll say, would you like to do like a theme, something that you notice happening, you know, repeatedly? It's kind of a theme in our life, or do you have like a specific one-time event that has happened? And you kind of had mentioned that you have more of a theme that you've noticed. Um, would you want to go ahead and share the trigger that you've been having? Um, because that's the first step in the remote control exercise is identifying what's triggering us.

SPEAKER_00 50:13

Yeah, so I've been noticing um just like my even my body and going into like this place of shutting down. Um when I enter into a place of like, I don't know, people of authority or um not being able to be heard, like my body would just shut down in those places.

unknown 50:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 50:42

So yeah, that makes a lot of sense because when we go into a trigger, we're going into our amygdala, which is our fight or flight, but there's also freeze and fawn. So fight is pretty self-explanatory. We get triggered, we go into fight. Flight is a lot of what you're talking about, how you want to shut down, you probably want to leave the situation, right? There's times where you just would rather just go, but you're stuck in whatever it is, so you just can't have to freeze and you know, go inward because it feels you're having emotions connecting to that moment or those circumstances with people of authority, and then um being able to then recognize and connect. Oh, I'm in a freeze mode, I'm in a flight mode, and then fawn's the last one. And what fawning is, I don't know if you're familiar with that, but what fawning is, it's when we try to make another person okay so that we can be okay. So instead of fighting someone, I'm gonna be really nice to someone to make them okay so that they like me and that I feel connected to. So if you had to pick those, if you had to put those four in order, how would you list it? The one that you feel like you go to the strongest, and the one that you least go to in a triggered state, if you had to number them one, two, three, and four.

SPEAKER_00 52:00

I feel like finding sounds very familiar.

SPEAKER_01 52:05

Yeah, it was familiar to me too. And it looks so good too, because you're being so nice and good.

SPEAKER_00 52:11

Or like just trying to like make sure you're not escalating the situation or um I don't know, trying to like fit in. I don't know what I'm doing in that moment, but yeah, I noticed that fonding and um and then I want to say a freeze and like just go to my own space. Yeah, because hard to talk, maybe hard to yes, yeah, hard to like share and express anything. Um my thoughts are blank. Yeah. Um, and then what was it?

SPEAKER_01 52:49

Flight or um flight would be another one, and fight. Do you feel like you ever go into flight where you just want to leave the situation?

SPEAKER_00 52:58

I feel like fight is fight like where you want to like you want you get big. Yeah, you get bigger. Argue it out because yeah, argue it, yes, argue it, defend.

SPEAKER_01 53:09

I feel like that's next, and then flight. Okay, so you'd say like you start with fawning. If that doesn't work, then you freeze. If that doesn't work, then you fight. Yes, if that doesn't work, then you're out of there.

SPEAKER_00 53:23

And I feel like sometimes the fight and the pawn could switch.

SPEAKER_01 53:28

Yeah, totally, depending on which situation it depends on the person, it different the situation because these are um survival um reactions. It's like you know, our amygdala is sending the signal of a wild animal chasing you, and so you're going into whatever's gonna cause you to survive emotionally. That's why I said if this doesn't work, you do the next one. If that one doesn't work, you do the next one because you're gonna do anything to survive what authorities represent to you. Something is causing you to have an emotional allergic reaction to authorities. It's not about the authorities. We're gonna pause them and we're gonna turn it inward towards you. And we're gonna say, Lori Lynn, what's going on? What are you feeling? And I want you to try to specifically think of like the last time you were in a room with authorities that you felt yourself triggering. What is she feeling?

SPEAKER_00 54:39

It feels scary and also scary, like not being able to be heard in the moment. Yeah, um not loved, like rejected. Yeah, those are like the ones that I could think of.

SPEAKER_01 55:02

Oh, that's perfect. And then when you feel those reactions that make you want to do all those other reactions of fawning and freezing and all that, then we want to take it a step further and we want to get tender with it. You mentioned scared, but do you connect with sadness or loneliness as well?

SPEAKER_00 55:27

I want to say loneliness and yes, sadness, but loneliness is huge.

SPEAKER_01 55:35

Yeah, because you feel very alone in those moments with authority that no one's with you when you're in those circumstances. And then, like you said, not being heard. Yeah. Yeah. And you're gonna ask your heart, what do you need? I'm gonna tell you the needs real quick. Okay. So do you need to be seen? I'm actually actually have our little um our little book that connects us to uh each of these needs. And so I'm gonna go ahead and remember that book. I'm gonna go through it and I'm just gonna show you so you can connect with it. So do you do you need to be seen in those moments? Do you need to be heard? Do you need to be accepted? Do you need to be taught? You need play. You need to be protected. Do you need provision? Do you need to know that you're valuable? Do you need oh we skipped one? Do you need affection to be held? And lastly, do you need to know that you're enough? Just the way you are. Do any of those stand out to you?

SPEAKER_00 57:43

I feel like um being seen, heard, and protected definitely hit something in there.

SPEAKER_01 57:52

So when you're in those moments, we've paused the person of authority. You're riding an alarm, and now we're connecting with you, and you feel all the things that you're communicating and feeling, and you're recognizing in those moments why it feels so scary and so alone is because you actually needed a caregiver, a mommy and daddy to see you, to hear you, to protect you. And when you feel those things, and then you look back at those people of authority, they don't feel so scary anymore. It's actually your your pain, you're scared, but also your lack. It's like being hangry in those circumstances. But once we get what we need, we can see it with clear eyes. We can see people of authority for what they are, not for the threat that your amygdala, your child brain, perceives them to be. So when we think about it, you need that protection. You need to be heard. You mentioned you had already mentioned that even before you brought out the book and be seen. So I want you to think of a time in your life, and we could try first to see if there's maybe a person of authority in your life that you actually did feel these things with. But if you if you're like, nope, never felt safe enough with authority, we can pick anyone through the course of your whole entire life that you felt seen and heard and protected with.

SPEAKER_00 59:59

Yeah, she's kind of like an older sister. Um when I think back, like she was someone that like sat with me through a lot of pain and walked me through it for like two years.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:20

Wow. Yeah, that's great. Yeah, you have those felt experiences, those real moments when you came to her scared, when you came to her lonely, when you came to her in a freeze, you came to her in I don't know what to do, and what did it feel like to you?

SPEAKER_00 1:00:57

And just my mess. And she heard me when I would speak, she would listen. Yeah, and she seen me like just where I was at, and yeah, also walked with me and seen me groan through that.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:19

So wow, that's beautiful. What a beautiful presence, substance, yeah, that felt experience. So I want you to take that experience, and I want you to bring it to that scared, lonely, ultimately little girl. Because this started a long time ago. Feeling like you weren't safe with authorities, feeling like you wouldn't be heard, you wouldn't be seen. I want you to picture yourself when you first started realizing that, first started feeling that. Whether you have an actual memory or just an overall feeling of it. That's okay. So we want to be able to bring your friend to your younger self. When you first started feeling scared of teachers, when you first started feeling scared of Sunday school or youth pastor, or I don't know, I just feel like there was like people along the way that you didn't know how you're supposed to act or what you're supposed to do, or I don't know exactly the scenario, but it feels very unsure. Yeah, we want to come bring that feeling of your friend to her as a gift. You can give her the gift of your friend being with her, give her the feeling of being heard. Vividly imagine your friend sitting with her, sitting with you.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:07

I I just have like so many thoughts running through my head of like incidents, and I'm just trying to like see how I could connect that of my friends sitting with me in that pain.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:22

Yeah, yeah, that's what you needed. No, it's okay. We we feel the pain and we bring that feeling of being within to it. Take your time. So important to feel. We're not trying to fix this, we're not trying to even make it better. We're being with you in it.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:53

So I keep getting like this flashback of like when I was young and I had um one a caretaker, a family member like babysitting me in like things that shouldn't have happened, and I can't connect that. Like, I can't connect my friend with that. If that means yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:16

So maybe your friend isn't the exact person to be with her. If she had a caregiver that she was scared of or feeling uncomfortable with, you need that protection, you need someone to hear you that you don't feel comfortable, yeah. And so maybe you need a different mommy, a different daddy, someone that can be with you to help you feel safe in that moment. And if anything, you can start with you too. If that was your daughter and she was left with a caregiver that she didn't feel comfortable with, how would you want to be there with her? How would you hold her? How would you protect her? It's not so much what you would do, it's more of giving that feeling of I'm with you. I hear you.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:19

I believe you.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:21

You're safe.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:50

Sometimes that we think like doesn't make sense, but to them it means everything at their age. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:58

I loved how you came alive just then.

unknown 1:06:01

I don't.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:05

I just felt when you gave me that thought of like thinking of a different caretaker and that it could just be myself and how I would you know approach that situation with my own child, that was very healing to me.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:20

So yes, yes, you just tapped into your true self, you tapped into that mama heart, you felt. That that little girl is not a problem. That you would see her through it all. You'd be with her. Whatever's happening matters so much. So you'd pay attention, but also she matters so much more to you. You want her to feel safe. You want her to know, I hear you. You know, I picture that, you know, cheek to cheek, that you know, looking at her and saying, I hear you. Maybe even saying it multiple times, I hear you. I believe you. I'm gonna protect you. Like I said in the beginning, we can't necessarily change what's happened to you, but we can infuse what's happened to you with love, safety, security, affection. And when you're full, it still hurts. But it doesn't hurt to say.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:20

And yeah, so it's very fruitful.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:23

And I love that.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:26

I feel I definitely feel in a place of safety.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:32

Yeah, I love that so much, and I love that joy came in too. Yeah, into the moment. It was like joy came, and I was like, oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:42

And that's what she needed. That was amazing. Yeah, but I felt stuck at first. I couldn't see past that. So just taking the lens off that caretaker and moving into a different caretaker, yeah, was definitely it broke freedom in that area.

SPEAKER_04 1:09:04

So that's Laura's ninja skills.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:14

Thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing your experiences and what a privilege and an honor to be with you in it and help you be with yourself in it.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:26

Thank you for having me. I was so shocked when I got the email. I was like, is this real?

SPEAKER_01 1:09:33

I love that. And I'm I am jealous here in Hawaii. I was like, oh, I love that. What island are you on? On Oahu. Oahu, that's great. I love that.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:42

Yeah. It's nice being able to go somewhere where people come to vacation and then just go home.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:49

So yeah, that's great. Um, Brian, did you have any um thoughts or anything that you wanted to share?

SPEAKER_04 1:09:57

Yeah, there was there was a couple things that really jumped out at me, Lori Lynn. And for the first one is I loved your ability to go there to like let yourself feel and to be vulnerable. Like just thinking about it almost like I want to start to cry, but like I've been trained to like not let myself do that. So I'm trying to learn to just let it go, you know. But like I'm like, uh, I saw something in you, I just want more for myself. Like uh to let yourself feel. And I know that it's even bigger because I know that um the feeling that you were letting yourself feel really, really hurts. That that that was great because feeling our pain is a gift. And I'm realizing that more and more. And you have a gift, and this whole process breaks down if we can't do it. This process just stops dead in its tracks until we learn how to feel. So I think I think I think what you did is going to be an inspiration to others. It's an inspiration to me to be able to just kind of go there like that. That is very, very inspiring. I mean, I want I want more of that. And uh when that when Laura did her ninja skills and shifted you from the and you know, your your friend, that feeling wasn't able to be with you in that moment because it was bigger, you know, it was bigger, and you had to bring in somebody bigger, older, more authoritative. And how she shifted it to you, and um, and seeing that change that did, and like you know, she said, like Laura used the word tapped into. I'm like, what you tapped into was compassion.

unknown 1:12:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:12:07

Like you tapped into compassion, which is the ultimate healing force. It's like it's it's the thing that cures and heals every wound. You know, compassion. You know, uh Laura, we've talked about this in other episodes, but the Bible says repeatedly when Jesus healed, he was moved with compassion and he healed. Like they were not two different things, but they were one. You know, and compassion is what heals, and you tapped into it. And like everybody saw it, like you could see it in your face, something changed, something shifted. You tapped into this extraordinarily powerful thing of compassion.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:12:57

Um and then one of the other things I think when we came to the end that was really, really powerful was to see you connect with hope. That's that always is encouraging for me because that that is how I know that I'm making progress in the healing journey, is when I go from like this situation is hopeless, I gotta deal with this forever, I'm stuck in it again. To like at the end, you can be like, you know what? It's it's not better, like it's not perfect, but yet I know, I know that I know that there is a better that there's light at the end of that tunnel. So that's one of like people sometimes ask, like, how do I know if we're if we're getting anywhere? I'm like, check your hope meter. Like, that's a great, that's a great one because you just know that you know what, this feeling, this thing I went through is really really really painful. But I have hope in it now, whereas before all I saw was despair. Um, there's one other thing I had down. Oh, Laura, this is something you said that is so, so great. You said you said to her, we can't change what happened to you, but we can infuse it with love. So, like when people have gone through traumatic events, they feel like the only way they can deal with it is to, in a way, act like it never happened. Pretend it never happened, like we're just not gonna think about that. And that traumatic event becomes like a nightmare, like a nightmare that you never want to go relive again. But in this process, the hope is where the hope comes in is like, you know what? Um Laura says, Laura, she then said she said it still hurts. We're we're human beings, we're not robots. That traumatic event will always hurt, but it doesn't hurt the same. And I was wondering, Laura, if you could kind of expound on that. A traumatic event, it still's gonna hurt, but it doesn't hurt the same.

SPEAKER_01 1:15:28

Yeah. When we have deficiency, we have a traumatic event happen, it impacts us and it compounds what we've gone through. But when we're full, when we've infused it with love and we're full and we feel protected and we feel connected, and we feel affection and seen and heard from that place, our lens changes. It doesn't mean that it doesn't matter, it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt, but what it does mean is that love is bigger and who you are is bigger than anything that's ever happened to you. And nothing can change who you are, but we don't know that until we're full from that place of safety, from that place of um being seen and heard and protected. You can now look out on the in the world and see people of authority, see other people, other caregivers, and feel safe because you're full of love and you're connected to who you are. So many times we've gone through traumatic things, that becomes our identity. But no matter what's happened, it never changes who we are. And that's what we're uncovering. Because parts of yourself got covered up with things you went through, and now we're uncovering who you really are so you can be can re-come home to yourself in a more full way. And when you're yourself and you walk into any room with anyone, you'll be okay. I love that, and not because you have to force yourself like pet talk and tell yourself, no, it's a good pastor, it's a good person of authority, and it's not that big of a deal, and just get over it. You don't have to do any of that. You walk in as you okay, clear-minded, tender-hearted, at peace. It's like a superpower, and so that's the fullness I'm talking about that we can infuse your child with so that your present-day self can live as God intended for you to live when you when He intended that you have all your needs met, he intended that you were safe, that you were well cared for, and now you get to live that reality because you came in and protected her now automatically.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:21

I love that. Thank you so much. Yeah, thank you.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:28

I really am grateful for you sharing. And like Brian said, it takes so much courage and vulnerability to be able to share like that. And I just I really am proud of you. And I'm also grateful that others can be able to see what it looks like because half the time when when how as Brian said, we get stuck and we can't feel our pain. Many people don't know how to, but by them listening to you and watching you go through it, they're like, oh, that's what it looks like. So they can model them connecting to their emotions off of watching you go through yours.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:08

That's so good. I love that.

SPEAKER_04 1:19:12

That's great.

unknown 1:19:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:19:14

Do you do you have any questions? Lori Lynn while while Laura's on, do you have any questions for her?

SPEAKER_00 1:19:20

I actually don't.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:22

I love that. Isn't that such a good feeling where you're just like, I got it.

SPEAKER_04 1:19:27

She's so into her feels, man.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:29

She's so like, I'm good. Yeah. And I mean, and my homework would be to continue to be with her, but I actually don't feel like it's even homework because I think you're just gonna be with her.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:39

Oh, thank you. Thank you for you both.

SPEAKER_04 1:19:45

Thank you for joining us, and thank you for your vulnerability.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:49

You're welcome. Yes, bye, Lori Lynn. Bye. Bye-bye. Have a good day.

SPEAKER_04 1:19:55

Yep, you too.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:57

Thank you.

SPEAKER_04 1:19:58

Between Miles and Lori Lynn, I think we saw two very different approaches by you, Laura.

SPEAKER_02 1:20:04

Yep.

SPEAKER_04 1:20:04

And I'm just gonna give you kind of what I was seeing, and then you okay. So Miles, you know, we talk about left brain, right brain. You have your logic, logical side, and your right brain is more your feeling and emotional side. Miles seemed more comfortable in the left side of his brain, and he seemed to be able to the whole the whole session was more there was feeling, there was no doubt we were in the right brain, but you were more on the left side because that's where he was at. Okay, and we were like on the left side, and we were like, come over here, like we're pulling over into the into the into the right side, and because that that's that's me, you know.

SPEAKER_02 1:20:48

That's yeah, yeah, you're miles is so me, you know.

SPEAKER_04 1:20:51

Miles is so me, you know. So I'm like, that's me over there, you know. Um, but you know, interestingly, because a little bit more about Miles, he's a worship leader and he's artistic and he's very gifted in those areas, which I'm not. Yeah, so he does have that right thing going, okay. But anyway, and then Laurie Lynn, like me, you know, if I was do what you did for a living, okay, I would be like taking the same approach as I did with Miles. I'm gonna be a little bit more, and you know what? She, you're like, she don't need that. We're gonna go right to the feels, man. We're going right to the field. Right in there. Yeah, that was definitely and she was so, I mean, both of them were incredibly inspiring. But yeah, Lori Lynn, because she has something, a gift that I don't have. Like the ability to go there. I'm like, that's I'm writing notes and I'm like, I love your ability to go there. Like, that is just, and then when I was just thinking about it, my heart was being touched as I watched her feel her feelings, you know, and I'm like, like, she's she's really feeling like um, and I was just seeing like I want that. Okay. Yeah, but I loved how like you recognized the difference in the two people and took it's all the it's all the same material, right? Yeah, it's all the same stuff, but you went you went some different ways, and then you pulled your little ninja skill there with like we're gonna we're gonna we're gonna leave your friend over here. I'm sure your friend's great. I'm sure your friend is awesome, but we're gonna have her just you know go put on some headphones over in the corner or something like that, and we're gonna go, what does this little girl need? And she was able to be and she was able to be with herself, which is exactly what we talked about with Miles.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:43

Yep, exactly.

SPEAKER_04 1:22:44

Exactly, because like that is the ultimate goal, really, you know.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:48

So yeah, I actually think them paired together is really good because we're coming from both sides. I feel like them someone being able to watch an episode of someone struggling and then being able, which he totally made contact as well. That was amazing. Yeah, um, but that process, which I think is true for all of us, the struggle, and then being able to see the ease. Like I feel like both are very valuable because both are so relevant to how we approach triggers ourselves. So I think I think they go really good together.

SPEAKER_04 1:23:17

Yeah, yeah. So yeah, I think they'd be really good on the same episode, right?

SPEAKER_01 1:23:22

Yeah, I agree. Yeah, okay. And hers is a little bit smaller, or not smaller, a little bit shorter. Yeah, his a little bit longer. So we could we could probably put them together pretty easily.

SPEAKER_04 1:23:31

Yeah. So what we just shared kind of uh conclusion, conclusion-wise, is really good. Um so if we hit the record button again, even though it's been recorded the whole time, is there anything else, Laura, that you would want to want to share about these two different approaches and kind of the two different ways you came at the remote control exercise?

SPEAKER_01 1:23:57

Yeah. So the remote control exercise compiles multiple different things, actually, pretty big points, even though it's only, I think it's only five steps. Each one in itself is so big, you know what I mean? Like it has so much emphasis on it. So in this episode and also in past ones, I've not actually even done it for the episode or for the podcast. I was just doing it with the person of feeling where they needed to go with it. So sometimes, you know, like I'll recognize, oh, they don't even understand what a trigger is. So we're gonna have to, you know, share what that trigger is, give a little bit more science to it. And as you could probably see, I'd give a little bit of science, then I bring it back to the emotion, you know, bring a little science, bring it back to the emotion. So we're still going and actually applying it and not just teaching through the whole entire thing. And and so whenever I feel the person's lacking in one of the areas of the compassion method, and I'll just say all six of them right now just to refresh us. So we have our triggered self is um we have six different modules. It's triggered self, child self, um, the 10 gifts, which is talking about our emotional needs, self-compassion, shame and blame, and our true self. So when I noticed that one or more of these is lacking, I'm gonna take the remote control exercise and emphasize that part of it. And like you could see, we didn't, we don't always go completely all the way through it. But if I would have at the end of Lori Lynn's um experience, if we unpaused the person of authority, she would have probably said, This feels different now. Well, she said it. She said she was refreshed. Yeah, she said she was refreshed, how she felt. Yeah. Yeah. Yep, exactly. So she said very refreshing. Yeah. From the beginning of the remote construction size, beginning of walking her through the trigger to the end, but it but through the emphasis of different modules that I feel like someone needs. Um, a lot of things I'm some of the things I'm looking for, which I think is helpful for you as listeners when you're doing this, is um sometimes I'm looking for you have to be on your own team. So I'm looking to see how we feel about ourselves. And the best way to see how we truly feel about ourselves is how do we feel about our child self? Because we really can't go anywhere until we're on the same team.

SPEAKER_04 1:26:20

And you could tell that both of them had warm affection for their child self.

SPEAKER_01 1:26:24

They did. That was one thing they definitely had in control.

SPEAKER_04 1:26:26

But you've ran into scenarios undoubtedly where people hate where people like hate their child self.

SPEAKER_01 1:26:33

Yeah, no, it's gotten to like hate is a you know, definitely a word people have used, really dislike. I don't want to, like literally in a one-on-one session.

SPEAKER_04 1:26:40

They're kind of disgusted. Yeah, disgusted. Definitely disgusted, yeah. Annoyed.

SPEAKER_01 1:26:45

Yes, annoyed's a really big one. They're just like, ugh, like I don't hate her, but I don't really like her, and she's kind of annoying. You know, like that's kind of some of the wording people use.

SPEAKER_04 1:26:54

So we can't even like whenever tell me people tell me how much they hate kids, I'm like, I I okay, you hate yourself.

SPEAKER_01 1:27:01

Yeah, ultimately that's true. Exactly.

SPEAKER_04 1:27:04

Your little self is someone that you despise, and that's that's where it's the mirror image thing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:27:08

Exactly. Because it was vulnerable when you were little to be little. So you don't like little. And so we don't like kids because they represent our vulnerability. And so being able to see what's needed in those moments, and that's where I go to. Once we've made contact, we've made that connection with self, I can then start helping that person be an advocate for themselves.

SPEAKER_04 1:27:28

So if someone doesn't like their younger self, because this is about being with our younger self. So if that barrier's there, yes, where do you go? Like you did the ninja trick with Laura Lynn. What's your ninja trick for the other one?

SPEAKER_01 1:27:41

So if someone's very opposed to connecting to their child self, some it depends on if it's a very high level, let's say they're at a 10, then we're gonna kind of slow everything down a little bit. And we might go towards compassion so they can start practicing connecting with compassion. Um, we go to getting to know child self because to know yourself is to love yourself. That's why I'll say, you know, sometimes I'll say, like, what is he or she like? We did that with Miles. I said, What's he like? And he gave three or four words about how he would describe him. So now we moved from the trauma, we moved from the trauma that we're seeing on the child to who is this child. And when we know who that child is, we love that child. And then we can become the advocate that we were meant to have. So that can be looking at a childhood picture, which we have that exercise. If anyone's interested in that, but being able to look at that picture, getting to know who we are, because when you truly know who you are, and you don't just know yourself because of your pain, but you know who you really are. You love yourself. You want that child, that person, you, to be well loved.

SPEAKER_04 1:28:47

Well, and I think about that, that's exactly where I was. I did not have warm affection for my child self because I thought he was weak.

SPEAKER_02 1:28:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:28:56

I didn't think he was a man. I didn't think he was enough. So, you know, I was thought he was too sensitive. You know, and I think what I saw in I think probably why when Lori Lynn did that, it hit me so hard, is because that is in me. That sensitivity's in me. And it just got covered up so much because it didn't represent masculinity in the environment I was in. It it represented he's annoying, he's he's just whatever, you know, all those things. So no, I agree.

SPEAKER_01 1:29:33

You were able, it was something that you reminded you of yourself, just as much as we trigger because something, you know, like hating kids.

SPEAKER_04 1:29:42

It was honestly a joy trigger. It was a joy trigger. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:29:45

So I was gonna say, like, you know, like if I don't like kids or hate kids, like that's you know, a trigger that I'm having. Well, you were actually having a joy trigger because you were able to rem deep inside remember that's who I am, and as you saw her go through it, it wasn't just how she went through it, it was how it felt, how you felt with her going through it, because it was a part of yourself that you've covered up that you've forgotten about, that now is being allowed through seeing her do it, it's allowing you to be able to be sensitive and see the value and worth in it.

SPEAKER_04 1:30:20

Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, we probably need to do an episode on joy triggers. I know. I don't know if we've ever done one. I don't think we have. I think that would be fun.

SPEAKER_01 1:30:29

And that could also connect with the whole because I'm doing a part two of the um uh I was mentioning it to Miles, but I'm doing a part two of we have our discovering your triggered self, physical, mental, emotional, and I'm doing a part two, discovering your true self physically, mentally, and emotionally. So that people can actually look at both and see it play out in all those three ways. So it's not just my true self is these words, but this is how my true self actually feels physically. This is how my true self thinks, and this is how my true self feels emotionally.

SPEAKER_04 1:31:00

So when you say you're doing that, explain. You you oh yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:31:05

So I um I asked um uh because we have a first, second, third year, and so the third year this year. Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna stop just for a second. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 1:31:14

Laura, Laura is not the best promoter. Laura has a school.

SPEAKER_01 1:31:21

I have a school.

SPEAKER_04 1:31:22

Okay, Laura has a school where she walks people through the compassion method and they learn the compassion method, and it's called essence.

SPEAKER_02 1:31:32

Yep.

SPEAKER_04 1:31:32

And it's the essence of the compassion method. Yeah, so she's talking about she has a first year, a second year, and a third year. Okay, now you can and if you want to learn more about the school, you can see it on the triggered and true website. You can see it on lauraduncan.com.

SPEAKER_02 1:31:47

Yep.

SPEAKER_04 1:31:47

You can sign up for all three years, and you'll learn all about it there. All right. Yes. So thank you. Explain this again now. First second.

SPEAKER_01 1:31:55

So one of the things for third year is for them to be able to do a project to create something with what they've learned in their first and second year, because there's something about like teaching obviously helps us learn it even more, but then also producing something from it also helps. So I have them do projects sometimes as they come up throughout the year. And the project that I'm having them um co-create with me is having them list all their physical, mental, and emotional experiences when they're triggered so that we can compile it in the same way we did for our trick, excuse me, for our true self. We can compile it the same way. So, what you would do, the exercise is with discovering your triggered self, is when you're in a trigger, you circle everything physical you feel, everything mental, everything emotional you feel. Well, you'll do the exact same thing with your true self. You'll print that out and circle what you physically, mentally, and emotionally feel so that you can be more connected and recognizing what your true self, the experience of your true self, not just the knowledge of your true self.

SPEAKER_02 1:33:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:33:04

So they're helping me compile what their common joy triggers, true self-triggers are, so that we can pull together to see the different things that we'd be feeling as our true selves.

SPEAKER_04 1:33:17

That sounds really advanced. You know, I only I only made it through the first year.

SPEAKER_02 1:33:21

So that sounds advanced.

SPEAKER_04 1:33:23

I got through the first year of the school and you know, she barely passed me and made some comments that maybe I maybe maybe this school's not right for me, you know.

SPEAKER_00 1:33:37

I love that.

SPEAKER_04 1:33:39

I got through it.

SPEAKER_01 1:33:40

Yes, you did. You sure did.

SPEAKER_04 1:33:42

No, but I strongly encourage anyone that wants to. So who do you think the school's best for? So, like I took it for personal enrichment because a lot of people, you know, that have a heart for you know, working with people, whether that be in like a ministry contracts or whether that be in a consultant context where they're working with people one-on-one, like you started off doing for so many years. Um, who else is the school for? I mean, those are obvious ones, you know, people that want to maybe make this part of their livelihood, but that wasn't me, but I still did it.

SPEAKER_01 1:34:16

So why would so I am training people to become consultants, but that can be as a one-on-one, but it can also be if you want to do public speaking, it can be for your business, it can be for your ministry, it can be for your family, it can be for um furthering your education as far as being able to use that in whatever educational capacity that you're in, but it can be ultimately for anyone. And what people find is as they're learning how to become a consultant, they're really learning how to be connected to themselves and how to take care of themselves. That's what it's all about.

SPEAKER_04 1:34:52

The I I a lot of the reason I did it is I know that the best way to learn is to teach. So this school is is helping you learn how to teach this to others.

SPEAKER_02 1:35:03

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 1:35:03

And to me, that is the best way to learn. Like you'll learn to a level, but then when you have to learn how to explain it to somebody else, and that's exactly it. So it just takes you to the next level. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:35:16

Yeah. And that's part of what we work towards in the third year is being able to publicly speak, to do an online workshop, to do a retreat. And last year, um, the students put on a full-on retreat in Ecuador, and I think six students flew out there, and or I think there were six, I think two were already there, and then I think four flew in. They did a whole retreat on the compassion method in Ecuador, and that was their third-year project. So it's just something about that pushes you to speak. You know, how many opportunities do people have to public speak? And it's something very valuable to be able to share with others, again, for others, but then also for yourself.

SPEAKER_04 1:35:52

Absolutely. Absolutely. All right. Well, thank you everyone for joining us for this episode. There's a lot here, there's a lot of meat. And um, I think listening to this one over and over again is going to be uh great homework and a great recommendation.

SPEAKER_01 1:36:08

Yeah, yeah. That was my idea. I just really wanted to be able to see you, everyone be able to watch someone walk through it because when you see someone else go through it, it all comes together. We've been sharing these, I think this is episode 59 or something like that. We've been sharing all these episodes, which is great. We have many episodes with amazing knowledge. We still bring practical into it, but this is really where it's gonna make it all come together when you actually see someone walk through it.

SPEAKER_04 1:36:37

Yeah, absolutely. Well, thank you again, everyone. And until next time, uh it's Brian and Laura signing out from Triggered and True. Goodbye.