Healing the Pleaser Wound: Rebuilding Self-Worth After a Toxic Relationship: Part 1

Empowered & Unfiltered: A 3-Part Series on Healing, Empowerment, and Real Connection
Guest: Shane Adamson, LCSW, CSAT, CCPS

What happens when a people pleaser finally decides she’s worthy of more?

In this honest and unfiltered conversation, I’m joined by therapist and relationship trauma specialist Shane Adamson, LCSW, , CSAT, CCPS to explore what really lies beneath the urge to overgive, over-accommodate, and lose yourself in relationships that never loved you back.

Together, we peel back the layers of people pleasing as a trauma response, the invisible weight of betrayal, and the impact of emotional neglect that keeps women stuck in cycles of unworthiness. Shane brings clinical insight and deep compassion to the conversation—and even shares his own healing journey and how it shaped his work with couples and betrayed partners.

This is the first episode in a powerful 3-part series where we explore what it means to come home to yourself after years of giving yourself away.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why people pleasers are drawn to emotionally unavailable or narcissistic partners
• The signs of betrayal trauma and how it hijacks your nervous system
• What “duty sex” reveals about emotional disconnection
• How guilt, family roles, and cultural expectations keep women stuck
• What the first signs of healing really look like—and how to get there

🛑 If you've ever asked, “Why do I always lose myself in love?”—this episode is for you.

🎧 Connect with Shane Adamson:
🌐 Website: cmfcdallas.com
📧 Email: shaneadamsonlcsw@gmail.com
🔗 LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/shaneadamson
📸 Instagram: @shaneadamson
📘 Facebook: facebook.com/shane.adamson
▶️ YouTube: @SAdamsonLCSW

🎧 Binge-worthy episodes to listen before or after this one:
If you're new here, or want to dive deeper into people pleasing and self-worth, listen to these must-hear episodes:

• People Pleasing & Appeasing Part 1 – Why we do it and how it starts
• How to Stop Yourself from the Quick Reflex of Pleasing & Appeasing – Part 2
• How to Set Loving Limits Instead of People Pleasing – Part 3
• Unmasking Manipulators and Becoming a Woman Empowered
• Breaking Free from People Pleasing During the Holidays
• The 12 Steps to Reclaim Your Power and Stop People Pleasing

📌 Coming next in Part 2:
Wendy Adamson joins us to share her story of breaking generational cycles of narcissistic abuse, rediscovering her voice, and launching the Ageless & Empowered portrait campaign to celebrate women reclaiming their power at every age.

🌿 Ready to take the first step from people pleaser to empowered?
Join the free Women Empowered community + sign up for my upcoming live masterclass:
👉 “5 Days to Start Saying No: The First Step from People Pleaser to Empowered”
🎧 Takeaways: People pleasing isn’t your personality—it’s a survival strategy.

Transcript

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Empowering Women in Conversations – Episode Transcript

 Healing from People Pleasing and Trauma  – Part 1 with Shane Adamson

Anita Sandoval (Host):
Welcome back to Empowering Women in Conversations. I'm your host, Anita Sandoval. Today’s guest is someone I instantly connected with through the SPI Pro community. He’s not only a fellow therapist but someone whose work deeply aligns with mine. Together, we share a passion for helping those navigating trauma—particularly people pleasers, those who have experienced childhood wounds, and individuals in complex relationship dynamics.

Joining us today is Shane Adamson. Shane is a licensed clinical social worker, a certified sex addiction therapist (IITAP), and a certified clinical partner specialist. He has advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples and is currently a candidate in the Finding Peace Trauma Specialist program.

Shane Adamson (Guest):
Thank you so much, Anita. I'm truly honored to be here and excited for this conversation.

Anita:
Let’s dive in. Can you explain what it means to be a certified sex addiction therapist and how that shows up in your practice?

Shane:
Sure. Sex addiction can be controversial, but I ask my clients a simple question: "Is sex creating problems in your life?" Many say yes—it’s compulsive, harmful to their relationships, and they’ve tried to stop but can’t. My role is to help them understand the underlying issues, whether it’s viewing pornography or acting out sexually, and guide them toward healing.

Anita:
And for many of our listeners who are people pleasers, a common dilemma is: “Should I stay or should I go?” Especially after betrayal. What are your thoughts?

Shane:
Great question. Relationships are nuanced. If there's still love and your partner is willing to acknowledge the issue—if they're open, not defensive, and willing to get help—that's a hopeful sign. Start by setting clear boundaries: what you’re okay with and what you’re not.

Anita:
Yes, boundaries are key. I love that you mentioned if someone is willing to honor the relationship, then change becomes possible. It’s really about being true to your values.

Can you share more about your training as a Certified Clinical Partner Specialist?

Shane:
Absolutely. Betrayal trauma isn’t just a past event—it’s ongoing. You’re constantly wondering if more secrets will surface, and it creates a state of constant alert. That training helped me understand how to support betrayed partners, helping them stabilize their nervous system, create boundaries, and reclaim their identity.

Anita:
You also have advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Can you talk about how that helps couples reconnect?

Shane:
EFT focuses on emotional attachment. The key question is: can you rely on your partner emotionally? I often help couples identify who’s pursuing and who’s withdrawing. We work to create a safe space where both partners can engage without fear—where one isn’t too intense and the other doesn’t retreat.

Anita:
That’s powerful. Especially for people with trauma histories, who might dissociate or struggle to stay connected emotionally.

You also mentioned the Finding Peace Retreat. Can you share your experience?

Shane:
It’s a four-day intensive that helps participants go deeper into their trauma story. I went myself to work through childhood wounds and relational betrayal. Through journaling, group work, and experiential activities like psychodrama, I was able to let go of old beliefs and reclaim peace. The retreat helps rewire those old, stuck trauma responses.

Anita:
That’s beautiful. And it’s so impactful for listeners to hear that even therapists do the work ourselves. Healing never stops.

Let’s pivot to something many people pleasers face: guilt. Especially when it comes to family roles and expectations. How do you see guilt keeping women stuck?

Shane:
In traditional roles, especially in families where women are seen as caretakers, guilt becomes a trap. Whether it's the pressure to “do it all” or feeling like you're never enough—women often take on emotional labor without realizing it. And when they try to shift those roles, guilt kicks in.

Anita:
I lived that. I used to believe it was my job to manage everything—until my body gave out. I got sick. That’s when my husband stepped in and said, “Let me help.” But I had to give him space to help. I didn’t even realize I was gatekeeping.

Shane:
Yes! Sometimes it’s not that our partner won’t help—it’s that we haven’t let them. That’s such a powerful insight.

Anita:
For people pleasers, especially women raised in emotionally enmeshed or narcissistic families, what advice would you give when they’re caught between wanting to help everyone and losing themselves in the process?

Shane:
Ground yourself in your bandwidth. Know what you have time and energy for, and don’t apologize for protecting that. You can still be kind and loving without abandoning yourself.

Anita:
Exactly. And as we both know, narcissistic parents or partners thrive on guilt and control. Recognizing those dynamics is the first step toward freedom.

Why do you think so many people pleasers are drawn to emotionally unavailable partners?

Shane:
It often traces back to abandonment or neglect. There’s this inner belief: “If I just love enough, they’ll love me back.” But love doesn’t cure dysfunction. And narcissistic or unavailable partners won’t change just because you give more.

Anita:
Yes—and when people pleasers equate sex with emotional connection, they often end up feeling more rejected. What are your thoughts on how intimacy plays into that?

Shane:
Great point. True intimacy should be mutual and meaningful. Many women fall into “duty sex,” which disconnects them further. I encourage couples to create a lovemaking guide—two paragraphs each—to explore what makes them feel safe, connected, and desired.

Anita:
That’s so helpful! I also loved what you said about Sue Johnson’s metaphor: that great sex is like ziplining—it’s only thrilling when it feels safe.

Shane:
Exactly. Emotional safety enhances physical connection.

Anita:
As we begin wrapping up Part 1, what red flags should people pleasers watch out for in unhealthy relationships?

Shane:
I highly recommend Googling the Power and Control Wheel. It highlights eight categories—like emotional abuse, isolation, financial control—that show when one partner holds too much power. If those are present, it's a clear sign to reassess the relationship.

Anita:
Thank you, Shane. Before we go, one last question: How can someone know they’re truly healing, and not just surviving?

Shane:
Healing happens in phases. First, you stabilize your nervous system. Then, you grieve the losses. Finally, you reach post-traumatic growth—where your trauma no longer defines you. You can talk about it without being overwhelmed. That’s when you know you’ve moved from victim to survivor.

Anita (Closing):
That was an incredible conversation. Thank you, Shane, for your wisdom, vulnerability, and passion.

To our listeners—if you’re tired of feeling like you have to earn love, or you’re navigating betrayal, this is your invitation to begin choosing yourself.

💬 Don’t miss Part 2 next week, where we dive into boundaries, breaking free from generational guilt, and how to rebuild your self-worth on your terms.

Until next time, be well, stay safe, and remember: your light was never meant to be dimmed.