When fitting in creates more friction than calm

Fitting in is a trauma response. 

Becoming a chameleon, people pleaser, the grey man… It’s all a normal response to experiencing trauma, because it keeps you safe. 

The challenge comes when you start healing, have a different vision and want to do more with your life and you fitting in becomes uncomfortable, annoying and frustrating. 

Then what do you do? 

In this episode I break down why fitting in is a trauma response and what happens next. 

Connect with me: 

• Download the Autopilot as a Trauma Response Guide
• Register for my Free Masterclass: Stop Living on Autopilot & Start Living Your Dreams
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jaci.rogash/
• Book a Discovery Call
• Join the Visionaries Waitlist
• Email: jaci@jacirogash.com

Transcript

Welcome to Thriving After Trauma, a podcast to help you move beyond surviving and support you to truly thrive in every area of your life. Sometimes it's scary to claim your big desires because of your past. This podcast will give you the courage to put yourself first and make your dreams a priority. I'm Jaci, an award-winning trauma transformation coach, breathwork facilitator and international speaker. I am so excited to bring you these deep, honest and real conversations as a way of supporting you to truly thrive after trauma.

Fitting in is a trauma response. When you experience trauma, it can often be the turning moment where people become chameleons, where they wear masks, where they become the grey man, where basically no matter what environment they're in, they fit in. And naturally, this is because they don't want to get hurt again. When you have been hurt in such a huge way, you'll almost do anything to avoid getting hurt again. And that might look like fitting in, agreeing with everybody else, becoming a high achiever, being a people pleaser, high functioning and firing on all cylinders because that makes you look really good, really put together. You might be a perfectionist or the reliable one, the go-to person, All of these are little ways where, depending on the environment that you're in, it helps you fit in. And naturally, when you're pleasing other people and when you're doing things that make other people feel good, they're less likely to target you. You're less likely to stand out. People are less likely to see your flaws. What can also happen, unfortunately, is you learn to keep your opinions to yourself. You don't speak up. You don't express emotions or feelings. you're more likely to burn out and you learn to suppress your voice and in turn can often have this belief or form this belief that your thoughts and feelings don't matter. Something else can happen is that you don't disagree with people. So you always agree with other people even if you don't agree because you're so worried about there being any conflict or any form of disagreement or again becoming that center of attention. And you can also conform and act and live in a way that isn't actually aligned with who you are and what you want, but it's what other people are doing and it's what other people expect of you. And so you do it. Basically, you start living how other people expect you to live, not how you want to live. For me, one of the biggest challenges I've had with my healing has been around friendships. I used to need people to like me, right? I used to need people around me as a way of validating that, validating myself and telling myself that I was worthy. And I had a lot, a lot of friends, in air quotes, should we call them. This stemmed and started from being bullied at school. You know, that was where I learned to fit in. because I had been picked on and picked out so much that I just adapted. I didn't express what I really thought. I didn't have my own opinions. I just made sure I went along with what everybody else said. You know, to the point, I didn't tell some of my friends that I was raped because they were mocking someone on a TV show. You know, they were making comments about what would happen if they were, what they would do if they were. And in that moment, I knew that I wasn't safe to actually say. what was like, I couldn't say my truth. So in order to feel good about myself, I wanted to be friends with everybody. I wanted everybody to like me. And at one point in time, I was really proud of the fact I had so many friends, like really proud. I kind of wore it as a badge of honor. And I remember when I first started seeing my ex and for a while, like I would be going out and doing things and going to parties and that kind of thing. And he never really, he never asked who I was going with. And I took that as he just doesn't care. And I got a bit funny about it. And I should also mention that the previous few exes that I'd had before him were very jealous and controlling. So I'd gone from having everything that I did questioned significantly to someone who just was like, see ya. And I was like, what? Like, why don't you care? And he said, I do care, but you have so many friends and I can't keep up. So I don't know who they are. So there's no point me asking. And I remember sitting there going, yeah, I do. You know, like, not in an arrogant way, but just being like, yeah, I do have heaps of friends and how awesome is that? And at the same time, I've also lost a lot of friends. It was almost like every time I lost a friend, I overcompensated and tried to find more. And it's interesting because I've always been a, I've always been better in small groups, right? So I'm more comfortable when there's a smaller group of people, when we can have good conversations and good laughs and not feel like anyone's competing for attention. Yet a number of my friendship groups have been quite big. And so naturally, and what always happens is within a big friendship group, you are closer to a smaller number, And so there's two friendship groups specifically that come to mind where I liked, and were really close with half of them and the other half were kind of like, cool, we're friends, but, I wouldn't, I like, not that I didn't like them, but I didn't trust them or they like, they weren't my people, And along the way, as I said, I've lost a lot of friends and some of those I haven't been too upset about losing and others have really hurt. Others have really hurt. And I have friendship wounds, I have sister wounds and that sucks. And I know that comes from my trauma. When I left the police force, that was a period of time where I thought I had heaps of friends. I very quickly realised that very few people who I thought were my good friends were. I do think that I had good friendships because they were friendships of convenience in the sense that we saw each other regularly, we communicated all the time, I trained with them, it worked, so we were close friends. But as soon as that circumstance changed, the friendship faded. And so friendships, because of convenience and circumstances, isn't necessarily a bad thing. I was talking to someone recently, I'm like, oh, actually, we're both saying that we miss training as much as we did because we used to see our friends all the time. Like it was so much easier to see people because they were just there. Whereas when you're not in those circles, it's harder. And along the way, I've changed a lot too. When I started healing, I changed so much. because what I realized was that I didn't actually want to spend time with people that didn't make me feel good. I didn't want to be around people where I questioned my opinions, where I wondered what they would think of me. And, you know, even in the workforce, it was one of those things where I am not afraid to use my voice, but there were some situations where I spoke up for other people, but it was seen negatively on me. people look down on me because it's like, you should just go with what people say. It's like, **** that. Like, why? do we do this? Why do we perpetuate this cycle? We live in this hierarchical society and it's like, it just ******* drives me insane. In case you can't tell. And There comes a time when, yes, we need, when you've experienced trauma, we need people as validation. We need that validation to feel like we're included and wanted and needed and worthy. And when we start our healing, we become very self-aware. And when you're self-aware, you quickly, like, it's really hard to ignore what doesn't feel good. And again, when we dive into that self-awareness, when we get to the root of where our beliefs and our patterns come from, the idea of hanging on to people just because they've been in our life for so long, it just doesn't feel good anymore. Like, yes, sometimes keeping people in our life avoids the pain of letting someone go, but at what cost? And this is a decision that you need to make in the sense of when does creating, when does fitting in create more tension, more friction, more misalignment than it does ease? I now, actually it kind of feels gross to fit in. It feels gross to be around people or with people and act the way that they do or, do what they say or want just to fit in. I don't, honestly, I don't actually think I could do it anymore, which is funny because for such a long time, that was who I was. And I can't, even in family. And that's a really big shift for me when I disagree with family members on certain things, especially racism, inclusivity, neurodiversity, like so many things, I tell them. And we have a lot of heated arguments. Previously, I might have mentioned it and then just shut down because it was easier. Whereas now I know what I stand for. You know, I have turned away clients or stopped working with clients because they have been racist. Things that they have said has been racist. And when I've called them on it, they've tried to bypass it or dismiss it. I'm like, this doesn't work for me. I don't want to be in space with someone who can openly be racist. I'm not, I know I'm not perfect. I know that I am not perfect, but I refuse to live in a way that doesn't feel aligned with me anymore. And you think about it like little jokes of people making fun of other people or little judgy comments or just things that just don't sit well. And when they don't sit well, there comes a point where you can't tolerate it anymore. You can't turn the blind eye and just keep the peace. And that's when you find yourself at the crossroads. Do you continue down the path that you've always traveled, knowing that it doesn't feel aligned and it feels kind of gross? Or do you do something that you've never done? Do you enter a space of the unknown by choosing to live in alignment and what feels good for you? I remember when I started coaching, I was still working full-time for quite a while and I was really not embarrassed to say that I was a coach, but there were certain people that I wouldn't say that around because I was worried that they would judge me. And I know some people have and that is okay. Whereas now it's like, I am a coach. This is the work that I do. And I ******* love the work that I do. You know, I get to have the best, deepest, most honorable, honorable, honorable, honest conversations with the most incredible people. And that is so much better and feels so much more fulfilling than being around people who don't get it. And one of the biggest challenges I noticed with people who are thinking about coaching, particularly the work that I do, is they're worried about what their family and friends will think. What happens when I change? And naturally, you're going to change. No one enters coaching willingly and stays the same. It just doesn't happen. And so what do you do? Which path do you choose? Do you choose the path that you know is right for you, deep in your heart you know is right for you, or do you do the path that is easy for other people? Creates less friction for them, but more for you. And I totally understand that fear of losing people. I totally understand it. And the raw, honest truth is that when you enter the world of coaching, personal development, self-awareness, when you choose to bring a vision to life and choose to live in a way that is different to how you've always lived, there's a very high possibility that you're going to lose people. People are going to distance themselves. They're going to be unsure about who this new person is. And the fact is that you're not a new person. You're just more yourself. And the people who love you for you will stay with you and the people who love you because you've made them feel better may not. From personal experience and someone who has lost so many friends, so many people because I chose to change, if you do lose someone because you're focusing on becoming a better person, those people aren't meant to be in your life. and it's a hard pill to swallow, a hard pill to swallow. I am not having a bridal party at my wedding partly because every person throughout my life who I thought would be my bridesmaid is not in my life anymore. There are some who have been with me for years and years who are still super close and they were coming to the wedding but it almost felt like This was one thing that I needed to do myself. I needed to stand there by myself and be about me. I also know that when we let go of people that don't support us, don't encourage us, don't want us to be the fullest and best version of ourselves, we attract those who do. We attract people that you can instantly meet and have the best conversation with. It's so refreshing and so rewarding and it removes any armor or barriers that you have because you know that you can just be yourself. When I think about it, when I think about long-term friends, I have like four or five who have stuck with me through thick and thin when I was at my lowest. Four or five. It's not very many. And then I think about people who I've met over the last four or five years and **** they're amazing. They're incredible. I can be in a room with them and just feel so free. Like we laugh and we talk and we can say anything without fear of ******* up. Because if we do **** ** we're like, well, sorry, I didn't mean that. And it's not frowned upon or judged or anything like that, like it's just accepted. And it's so much better. It is so much better than fitting in. So if you're at this crossroads now where you're noticing that you no longer want to just fit in and you want aligned relationships and aligned people in your life, I have two questions for you. Excuse my voice. The first one, where are you still trying to fit in despite fitting in not feeling good? And if you choose alignment, who would you let go of? They're my questions and they're big questions. And I'm here if you want to share. I would actually love if you reflected on these and answered these. I would love for you to share that with me. And if you want to keep it to yourself, that is completely okay as well.