Thriving After Trauma

Pania Langly: Rewriting the cards she was dealt

Jaci Rogash

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0:00 | 51:59

In this incredible episode I am interviewing the incredible Pania Langley. 

Pania joined me to share her story of how her upbringing shaped her earlier life and decisions, how she became addicted to drugs - but created a story to feel ‘better than others’ - and what the turning moment for her was that led to her changing her life. 

Pania Langley is a life coach, energetic healer, and the founder of Brave Spaces, where she supports women in coming back home to themselves.

Her work was born from lived experience, overcoming addiction, toxic relationships, and rebuilding her life from the ground up after six years as a prison wife.

Now, she helps women declutter their lives, mentally, physically, and energetically, so they can reconnect with who they are and actually start living in alignment with it.

There is a little trigger warning as we talk about addiction and drugs. 

This was a brilliant chat with lots of laughs - and a little computer glitch in the middle. 

Connect with  Pania

Website: www.bravespaces.au

www.bravespaces.au 

All socials: @pania.langley

Connect with me: 

Transcript

00:00:00 Jaci Rogash

In this incredible episode, I got to sit down and interview the wonderful Pania Langley.

00:00:05 Jaci Rogash

Pania joined me to share her story of how her upbringing shaped her earlier life and decisions, how she became addicted to drugs, but created a story to feel better than others, and what the turning moment was for her that led to her changing her life.

00:00:19 Jaci Rogash

Pania is a life coach, energetic healer, and the founder of Brave Spaces, where she supports women in coming home to themselves.

00:00:27 Jaci Rogash

Her work was born from lived experience, overcoming addiction, toxic relationships and rebuilding her life from the ground up after six years as a prison wife.

00:00:37 Jaci Rogash

Now she helps women declutter their lives mentally, physically and energetically so they can reconnect with who they are and actually start living in alignment with it.

00:00:47 Jaci Rogash

There is a little trigger warning with this episode as we do talk about addiction and drugs, but I know that this is a conversation that so many people

00:00:56 Jaci Rogash

need to hear and you'll get so much out of it.

00:01:00 Jaci Rogash

This really was a brilliant chat with lots of laughs and a little computer glitch in the middle.

00:01:07 Jaci Rogash

Welcome to Thriving After Trauma, a podcast to help you move beyond surviving and support you to truly thrive in every area of your life.

00:01:15 Jaci Rogash

Sometimes it's scary to claim your big desires because of your past.

00:01:19 Jaci Rogash

This podcast will give you the courage to put yourself first and make your dreams a priority.

00:01:24 Jaci Rogash

I'm Jackie, an award-winning trauma transformation coach, breathwork facilitator, and international speaker.

00:01:30 Jaci Rogash

I am so excited to bring you these deep, honest, and real conversations as a way of supporting you to truly thrive after trauma.

00:01:38 Jaci Rogash

Hello, Pania.

00:01:40 Jaci Rogash

How are you?

00:01:41 Pania

Fabulous.

00:01:43 Jaci Rogash

Thank you so much for joining me.

00:01:46 Pania

Of course.

00:01:48 Jaci Rogash

I am so excited to have this conversation and I loved

00:01:53 Jaci Rogash

Before we jumped in how you were like, you know, it's kind of really ironic that, you know, the ex-cop and the ex-crim having a conversation.

00:02:03 Pania

Turned life coach.

00:02:05 Pania

I mean.

00:02:06 Jaci Rogash

For both, like what?

00:02:08 Pania

Yeah.

00:02:08 Jaci Rogash

Full circle.

00:02:09 Jaci Rogash

But also, I feel like this is just a true testament to humanity.

00:02:15 Jaci Rogash

Like when you see people as opposed to titles, you know, it just doesn't matter.

00:02:21 Pania

Yeah.

00:02:23 Pania

100%.

00:02:23 Jaci Rogash

So to kick this off, because this is about you, and I am so here for that.

00:02:29 Jaci Rogash

As is often the case, our work, especially when we lead into coaching, is born from our lived experiences and what we've lived through.

00:02:41 Jaci Rogash

For you, overcoming addiction, toxic relationships, rebuilding your life from the ground up after six years as a prison wife,

00:02:49 Jaci Rogash

I would love for you to share more.

00:02:52 Jaci Rogash

Tell us about your journey.

00:02:55 Pania

Yeah, I think when I hear those words, it feels like a whole different person now.

00:03:03 Pania

I have to really tap in to who that person really was and how she was experiencing those things.

00:03:11 Pania

But yeah, who I am now and the work that I do was really born from

00:03:18 Pania

my own healing journey and living through those experiences was so intense.

00:03:25 Pania

Like it started to really get to a boiling point for me where it was taking a toll on me and I was either questioning whether I was going to choose life or death and maybe not necessarily in a physical sense, but

00:03:44 Pania

even just even a soul death, I was starting to lose who I truly was.

00:03:49 Pania

And, you know, I sourced help from counselors and psychologists and drug and alcohol support, but it just wasn't working for me.

00:04:02 Pania

So I decided to, like, try the alternative methods.

00:04:07 Pania

And I started with

00:04:10 Pania

hypnotherapy, I feel like that's really old one as well, like the work, hypnotherapy, breath work and spiritual soul readings.

00:04:20 Pania

And for the first time, I think I started to really notice a difference in my nervous system.

00:04:27 Pania

And like I knew the value of personal development and

00:04:32 Pania

and mindset work, which is what actually led me to study and become a life coach.

00:04:38 Pania

But I also knew that combining this wellness and spiritual practices and with mindset work, like this could be the ultimate empowerment practice for people.

00:04:55 Pania

And that's exactly what I'm doing now.

00:04:58 Pania

Like I'm supporting women

00:05:01 Pania

through my program of like really coming home to themselves.

00:05:05 Pania

And yeah, I love just that was who I-- that whole story of addiction and toxic relationships and navigating life as a prison wife, that led to my purpose and my power.

00:05:19 Pania

So that's how I'm here and I love it.

00:05:23 Jaci Rogash

I love that.

00:05:25 Jaci Rogash

If we can-- because we have so much to talk about, so much to talk about.

00:05:32 Jaci Rogash

If we can go back to, younger life, I guess, was there a defining moment or a tipping moment where that kind of led you down that path of?

00:05:49 Pania

I think that, and I always have a heavy heart when I say this, but I feel like I was modeled

00:05:59 Pania

that kind of behavior, unfortunately.

00:06:03 Pania

And I'm grateful for my parents, and they did the best that they could at that time.

00:06:10 Pania

But it was really-- excuse me-- modeled to me.

00:06:14 Pania

So the way that I responded to tough situations or difficult situations, the way that I approached relationships and love, that was, in an essence, from how

00:06:29 Pania

my parents showed me how to do that.

00:06:31 Pania

And so that's what kind of led me to making, unfortunately, bad decisions.

00:06:38 Pania

And now I'm an adult.

00:06:39 Pania

I have a responsibility to, you know, change that and also model that differently to my children.

00:06:46 Pania

Because I know that I always didn't model that correct behavior to my children.

00:06:51 Pania

I completely messed up in the beginning.

00:06:54 Pania

And so

00:06:57 Pania

Yeah, I think that was probably the point of, even as a teenager, knowing, like wanting to be loved so deeply and knowing that even if it was an unhealthy relationship and love, that I could fix it or I could change it.

00:07:15 Pania

And yeah.

00:07:17 Pania

And I continued that on until I was in my 30s, like crazy, crazy.

00:07:26 Jaci Rogash

And it's, I'm, when I smiled, it's like just so resonant, so resonant.

00:07:33 Jaci Rogash

And I was the same.

00:07:34 Jaci Rogash

It was a different, very different upbringing by the sounds of it.

00:07:39 Jaci Rogash

But this detachment to myself and like needing attention and needing to be loved and needing, you know, that

00:07:49 Jaci Rogash

attention.

00:07:49 Jaci Rogash

I needed to be significant, significant to someone in some way.

00:07:54 Jaci Rogash

As much as I wanted it to be love, I didn't love myself.

00:07:59 Jaci Rogash

So there was no way that I was ever going to receive, you know, unconditional love from someone else because I couldn't give that to myself.

00:08:08 Jaci Rogash

And so I, yeah, I totally resonate with that.

00:08:11 Pania

Yeah.

00:08:12 Pania

Well, now I have adult, I have young adult children and I have, my youngest is

00:08:20 Pania

like pre-adult.

00:08:22 Pania

So now witnessing that and seeing that shift, like this has been the biggest thing for me, is watching the shift in me and then watching the shift in my children, because I watched that play out in my young adult children with their relationships and how they perceived themselves.

00:08:44 Pania

And it wasn't until I started, again, 30s,

00:08:48 Pania

till I started to really take notice of how I was responding and how I was showing up and how I was regulating my nervous system, that my children were actually then starting to realize that this is, you know, and changing and shifting.

00:09:04 Pania

It was like, it's the most beautiful thing that I've witnessed as being a parent.

00:09:08 Pania

I just love it.

00:09:09 Jaci Rogash

And that's so special.

00:09:11 Jaci Rogash

So special to see, you know, when we talk about breaking

00:09:15 Jaci Rogash

generational trauma and generational cycles.

00:09:18 Jaci Rogash

And I feel like our generation is doing that.

00:09:23 Jaci Rogash

I feel like we're the first to like, I'm not, I'm not doing this anymore.

00:09:27 Jaci Rogash

Not the first, but it feels a lot more obvious.

00:09:30 Jaci Rogash

And maybe that's because we're in it.

00:09:32 Jaci Rogash

I don't know.

00:09:34 Jaci Rogash

And it feels it's needed, right?

00:09:37 Jaci Rogash

It's needed.

00:09:39 Jaci Rogash

So tell me about addiction, life of addiction.

00:09:43 Jaci Rogash

When did that start?

00:09:46 Pania

So as a young teenager, I think I just grew up again.

00:09:51 Pania

It was modeled back when I grew up.

00:09:53 Pania

Drugs and alcohol were quite common.

00:09:56 Pania

Smoking a bit of weed, growing some plants in the back was normal.

00:10:02 Pania

Well, it was normal for me and it was normal for my peers as well, like the friends that I grew up with.

00:10:12 Pania

As I started to become into this young adult, this teenager, it was fun at first, but then also an escape.

00:10:23 Pania

And it just escalated and escalated.

00:10:27 Pania

So every time that I wanted to escape my reality, that was something-- it was so easy to get.

00:10:34 Pania

It was so easy to have, and it had an immediate reaction for me.

00:10:41 Pania

And I didn't get addicted to meth until probably late 20s.

00:10:53 Pania

And so it was just on and off for me.

00:10:57 Pania

Every time life got hard, that was what I went to.

00:11:03 Pania

Some people go to food, again, some people go to relationships, and that was my vice for me.

00:11:12 Pania

I always say I wasn't the typical drug addict.

00:11:15 Pania

Like, I wasn't somebody on the streets.

00:11:19 Pania

I never sold my stuff for a fix.

00:11:21 Pania

I would say, you know, I didn't intervene, like, intravenous, like, drugs.

00:11:29 Pania

And so...

00:11:30 Pania

I was well-dressed.

00:11:31 Pania

I brushed my teeth.

00:11:32 Pania

I didn't look like the typical drug addict that you might see.

00:11:37 Pania

And so that also then became a really good mask for me to be like, well, I'm not the typical drug addict.

00:11:45 Pania

So then I can hide behind that, and nobody will know.

00:11:49 Pania

I think being a functional drug addict is sometimes

00:11:55 Pania

10 times worse because what you're doing psychologically is wrong and then it's still got this hook and this hold on you.

00:12:04 Pania

So, and it was on and off.

00:12:07 Pania

It wasn't periods of,

00:12:10 Pania

constantly being on drugs.

00:12:11 Pania

Like, I had children in that time, so I would immediately not be taking drugs.

00:12:16 Pania

And I could stop and start again, another thing for me to psychologically say, oh, I can stop whenever I want, and I'm good, you know?

00:12:26 Pania

But it just had its hook in me for such a very, very long time.

00:12:33 Pania

And I think it wasn't until--

00:12:36 Pania

I experienced great grief.

00:12:38 Pania

I lost my dad.

00:12:40 Pania

And then three months later, I lost my brother-in-law.

00:12:44 Pania

So in that time, I could have easily said to myself, oh, I'm going to jump straight back on and get on.

00:12:54 Pania

And I didn't want to do that.

00:12:57 Pania

This was this deep feeling of like, I just need to feel this grief.

00:13:04 Pania

Then obviously my husband was locked up.

00:13:06 Pania

So I was just experiencing all this grief at one time.

00:13:10 Pania

And it could have like just, it would have been easy for me just to get on and just numb out.

00:13:17 Pania

And I wasn't 100% perfect in the beginning when I was trying to get clean.

00:13:25 Pania

But yeah, then you start noticing your addictions to people, your environment.

00:13:31 Pania

And that's when it's like, okay, this is a huge eye-opening thing for me.

00:13:39 Pania

Like, I'm surrounding myself with people who are, you know, addicted to drugs as well.

00:13:46 Pania

I'm surrounding myself with the wrong kind of people.

00:13:49 Pania

And then I was just really did a whole cull.

00:13:52 Pania

I mean, it wasn't, I always say healing is not a fun time.

00:13:56 Pania

Oh, it's not a fun time.

00:13:59 Pania

It's not been brutal.

00:14:02 Pania

Sorry.

00:14:03 Jaci Rogash

Let me like just delve you into the depths of hell and like we'll just work our way back up from there.

00:14:09 Jaci Rogash

Yeah.

00:14:10 Pania

Yeah.

00:14:10 Pania

It's not a fun time.

00:14:12 Pania

Being addicted to drugs, I feel like was easy for me, but then, you know, getting clean and

00:14:20 Pania

really like, and I don't just mean clean from substance abuse, I mean clean from everything that was toxic and chemical in my life.

00:14:31 Pania

And yeah, that's led me to where I am now.

00:14:35 Jaci Rogash

Yeah.

00:14:37 Jaci Rogash

Thank you for sharing that.

00:14:39 Jaci Rogash

I have so many questions.

00:14:43 Pania

I'm an open book.

00:14:44 Jaci Rogash

When we

00:14:47 Jaci Rogash

When you, talk about that and it's so obvious that you've done the work and that you've come to this place of acceptance of who you were.

00:14:55 Jaci Rogash

And you said that you're a functioning addict.

00:14:57 Jaci Rogash

At that time, did you know?

00:14:58 Jaci Rogash

Like, would you have said, I'm a drug, like in that moment, would you have said, I'm a drug addict?

00:15:03 Jaci Rogash

Or was it almost those moments where you're like, I can stop as a way of maybe convincing yourself that you weren't?

00:15:13 Pania

Yes.

00:15:14 Pania

Yes, because I would tell myself-- I knew I was a drug addict, and I would tell people-- I was also selling drugs as well.

00:15:21 Pania

So I would tell people-- I would kind of put myself up here as better than because I was the drug dealer.

00:15:29 Pania

It sounds so weird to say that.

00:15:33 Pania

But I was a drug dealer, and I was selling the drugs.

00:15:36 Pania

And these people were coming to me, and I could-- and I was saying to myself in my mind, I can--

00:15:42 Pania

I can stop at any time.

00:15:44 Pania

So I'm not as bad as that.

00:15:47 Pania

And so, yeah, that would be the narrative that played out in my head so that I didn't feel as bad about what was actually happening.

00:15:58 Pania

It's worse because you're completely ignoring the fact that you've got a problem.

00:16:05 Jaci Rogash

Yeah.

00:16:06 Pania

Yeah.

00:16:07 Jaci Rogash

Yep.

00:16:08 Jaci Rogash

And so I...

00:16:10 Jaci Rogash

recreationally dabbled for a while.

00:16:13 Jaci Rogash

And I was very, very anti-drugs growing up.

00:16:16 Jaci Rogash

And then for my 19th birthday, my best friend gave me a pill for my present.

00:16:20 Jaci Rogash

Thanks.

00:16:21 Jaci Rogash

Happy birthday.

00:16:25 Jaci Rogash

Yeah, so good.

00:16:27 Jaci Rogash

And then, you know, dabbled here and there.

00:16:30 Jaci Rogash

And I had one friend who was no longer a friend, but it was

00:16:36 Jaci Rogash

every week she would look at her pay and she was like, I've got this and this and this to pay and this amount I need for drugs.

00:16:46 Jaci Rogash

So I'm living off $5 a week.

00:16:47 Jaci Rogash

It wasn't like I'm living off this and how can I do this?

00:16:50 Jaci Rogash

And I remember at the time just being like, wow, like, is that, you know, thinking about that.

00:16:56 Jaci Rogash

And there were some, and it was kind of when I had this moment of, I could see which path she was going down.

00:17:04 Jaci Rogash

And for me, it was like, I wasn't,

00:17:06 Jaci Rogash

I didn't want to stop taking anything because it was fun.

00:17:09 Jaci Rogash

It was an escape.

00:17:10 Jaci Rogash

But for me, there was very, it was very obvious.

00:17:12 Jaci Rogash

And I wouldn't say that I was addicted.

00:17:15 Jaci Rogash

It was just, you know, if I went out, I had a good time.

00:17:18 Jaci Rogash

But if I noticed that we'd gone out every weekend for a month or something, I'm like, no, I'm just staying home for the next two weeks.

00:17:25 Jaci Rogash

It was almost my, you know, me trying to ground myself to make sure that I didn't go down that path.

00:17:34 Jaci Rogash

And

00:17:35 Jaci Rogash

maybe there was a bit of a, I don't know, like, I'm not as bad as you because I can stop, but I don't, think that was my awareness, but I was just so mindful of so many people that were, and couldn't possibly go out or do anything without drugs.

00:17:52 Pania

Yeah.

00:17:54 Jaci Rogash

You know.

00:17:54 Pania

See, and that wasn't, that wasn't the case for me.

00:17:57 Pania

So if I didn't have the money,

00:17:59 Pania

to get the drugs, then that was just not an issue.

00:18:02 Pania

And I had kids, so I would put my kids first.

00:18:05 Pania

I would never put the drug before, but it was, you know, and then it was like, okay, well, how do we have drugs in our life and continue having this lifestyle, but then also just continue to do what we're doing.

00:18:20 Pania

And so that became a, then we were dealing and selling drugs to have our drugs and

00:18:28 Pania

live our life.

00:18:29 Pania

So it became very chaotic and but also functioning at the same time, which is, which is sad.

00:18:38 Pania

But yeah, a lesson.

00:18:41 Jaci Rogash

We live, right?

00:18:42 Jaci Rogash

We live.

00:18:42 Jaci Rogash

I like dated a drug dealer for a little while and I don't think I realized he was a drug dealer.

00:18:51 Jaci Rogash

What the ****?

00:18:53 Jaci Rogash

What just happened?

00:18:55 Jaci Rogash

How old were you when you

00:18:58 Jaci Rogash

You first got pregnant?

00:18:58 Jaci Rogash

Or how old were you?

00:18:59 Pania

When you were first baby?

00:19:01 Pania

I was 17, turning 18.

00:19:05 Pania

So I was 17.

00:19:11 Pania

I had my 17th, I had my 18th birthday, and then I gave birth to my son a month later.

00:19:20 Pania

So teen mom.

00:19:22 Pania

Yeah, another wild concept to dive into.

00:19:26 Pania

It's like I've got these files in my brain and then like I'm opening them up and diving into that file of that version of me.

00:19:35 Pania

At that time when I was a teen mom, I was also in the worst, the worst domestic violence relationship.

00:19:47 Pania

And that was...

00:19:48 Pania

like chaotic for me, like survival mode was at its highest.

00:19:55 Pania

And yeah, I wasn't like addicted to drugs at that time.

00:20:00 Pania

I was going through this other whole concept of being a young teenage mom trying to survive and trying to keep safe.

00:20:08 Pania

So yeah, 17, 18.

00:20:14 Jaci Rogash

Yeah.

00:20:15 Jaci Rogash

And you think about that.

00:20:16 Jaci Rogash

I know when I was 17 and 18, I thought I was so old, so mature.

00:20:20 Jaci Rogash

And I look back and I'm like, oh, wow.

00:20:24 Pania

I remember saying to my mom when she got pregnant in her 30s, I was 14, and I said to her, ew, that is so disgusting.

00:20:34 Pania

I can't believe you're having sex at 33.

00:20:39 Pania

That's so embarrassing.

00:20:41 Pania

I was just disgusted.

00:20:44 Pania

And now I'm like,

00:20:46 Pania

Okay.

00:20:46 Pania

My mum was just trying to live.

00:20:47 Jaci Rogash

I think I had my oldest when I was 35 at 36.

00:20:54 Pania

Just like 14 year old, knowing nothing.

00:20:57 Jaci Rogash

And we died.

00:20:59 Pania

And then having a baby at 17.

00:21:01 Jaci Rogash

Yeah.

00:21:02 Jaci Rogash

But you're not old at 17.

00:21:06 Jaci Rogash

Crazy.

00:21:07 Jaci Rogash

And moving through, we could literally talk for days with

00:21:14 Jaci Rogash

when you said you got to that period where you lost your dad and your brother-in-law and hubby in prison, like that grief, what do you think it was that, I guess, if we're going to go spiritual or maybe not, in that moment, do you know what it was that made you decide to feel that grief as opposed to numb out?

00:21:46 Pania

Yeah, because I've spoke about this.

00:21:48 Pania

This is part of, I've spoke about this a few times with a few people and I honestly can't know what exactly it was.

00:22:01 Pania

And now probably when I'm thinking about it even now, I did lose my dad and in some way

00:22:10 Pania

My dad also struggled with his own addictions as well.

00:22:14 Pania

So just maybe if we're going to go spiritual, I would like to think that there was something greater than me that was supporting me and guiding me and trying to help me.

00:22:32 Pania

I mean, like I said, I didn't immediately after my dad passed away, like I didn't immediately stop.

00:22:40 Pania

or decide to stop taking drugs or numb out with those situations.

00:22:47 Pania

But yeah, I would like to think that there was something higher than myself supporting me and guiding me and really wanting me to feel, feel again, which came back with a whole lot more than just grief, because I'd been suppressing

00:23:10 Pania

for such a long time, such a long time.

00:23:13 Pania

So yeah, I like to think maybe now it was.

00:23:20 Jaci Rogash

Yeah.

00:23:22 Jaci Rogash

And as you know, as soon as we make the commitment to feel, the self-awareness that comes with that, and she said everything that we have to feel, it's not, it's never just one thing.

00:23:38 Jaci Rogash

Right.

00:23:40 Pania

No, never.

00:23:42 Pania

Never one thing.

00:23:43 Pania

I remember, I told this story as well.

00:23:46 Pania

I was sitting in my theater room living off Oreo cookies and watching Harry Potter on repeat because

00:23:58 Pania

Harry Potter was just so magical and my life was just so ****.

00:24:04 Pania

So I was just like that.

00:24:06 Pania

I always say, Harry Potter saved my life.

00:24:10 Pania

And maybe that's possibly the awakening moment for me too, but it's never just one thing.

00:24:17 Pania

And then you start to trace back to everything that has happened into your life.

00:24:23 Pania

So all of a sudden this portal is open and the floods are coming through and

00:24:29 Pania

It's not pretty, like I said before, but also then there's an understanding over time, especially now where I sit with myself in my soul, there's now an understanding that it wasn't my fault.

00:24:45 Pania

These emotions, these beliefs that I held onto weren't necessarily my own, and that had created and formed who I was and who I was becoming.

00:24:57 Pania

Yeah, taking that power back was tough.

00:25:01 Pania

But yeah, opening the floodgates to experiencing and learning your whole life thread.

00:25:12 Pania

Now I look back on it, and I think, oh, it's so cool.

00:25:14 Pania

It's really cool to-- yeah, it's really cool to have that awareness of the thread that carries you back and the threads that carry you or will carry you forward.

00:25:27 Pania

Yeah, I think in the moment I wasn't, I definitely wasn't thinking I was like, what's happening to me?

00:25:34 Pania

Yeah.

00:25:34 Jaci Rogash

Oh, for sure.

00:25:35 Jaci Rogash

And I, you know, same, you know, had so much trauma that I had just suppressed and suppressed and suppressed and got to the point where I was like, the same, like similar to what you said, where it's like, it's live or die here.

00:25:49 Pania

Yeah.

00:25:50 Jaci Rogash

Something needs to change or I'm not going to be here.

00:25:53 Jaci Rogash

And

00:25:55 Jaci Rogash

Yeah, every time you move, you think it's like these big things and you're like, I've done that.

00:26:00 Jaci Rogash

And then it's like, oh, I haven't actually.

00:26:02 Jaci Rogash

And now I agree when you're like, it's actually kind of cool to look back at it.

00:26:09 Jaci Rogash

And I am a bit of a weirdo because when something comes up, I get, I almost get excited by it.

00:26:19 Jaci Rogash

It's like, oh, okay.

00:26:21 Jaci Rogash

Like, where's this come from?

00:26:23 Jaci Rogash

Like, let me figure this one out.

00:26:26 Jaci Rogash

Although I still have,

00:26:29 Jaci Rogash

these moments where, and I don't know whether you have this, where sometimes something will just a memory or, something will come back.

00:26:37 Jaci Rogash

And it's like, okay.

00:26:39 Jaci Rogash

And they're not the big things anymore.

00:26:40 Jaci Rogash

Like I've worked through those, but there's just these little things that it's like, oh, okay, I just need to like, let that one go.

00:26:47 Jaci Rogash

But it's done with such a different mindset, a different perspective on everything than, you know, when you're in it, you're like,

00:26:55 Jaci Rogash

It's survival, right?

00:26:55 Jaci Rogash

It's like, I have to dig myself out of here in order to survive.

00:26:59 Jaci Rogash

And it's, you know, feel your feelings is confronting when it's the first time you've ever done it.

00:27:10 Pania

And, you know, wellness development, I just, that awareness and really being present is,

00:27:19 Pania

is huge because it changes everything that you experience in life.

00:27:22 Pania

And when hard things do come up and we're only human, like hard stuff is coming up for me all the time.

00:27:29 Pania

Yeah, I'm a weirdo too, like you.

00:27:31 Pania

I start to really like tap in and go, why is this coming up for me now?

00:27:35 Pania

What is this reflecting back to me?

00:27:38 Pania

How do I need to approach this?

00:27:40 Pania

And how can I approach this differently?

00:27:42 Pania

And again,

00:27:43 Pania

You know, I'm human, so I'm going to react, and I might have a cry and a ***** to my friends.

00:27:49 Pania

But then I'm like, OK, now I need to regulate my nervous system and how I'm going to approach this from a different angle.

00:27:59 Pania

So yeah, life is laughing.

00:28:01 Pania

And how do we come back from it?

00:28:04 Pania

How do we come back from a glitch?

00:28:06 Pania

We just, OK, center ourselves.

00:28:13 Pania

Yeah.

00:28:13 Pania

What, maybe years ago that would have just freaked me out.

00:28:17 Jaci Rogash

100%.

00:28:17 Jaci Rogash

I would have been like, no, we're stopping.

00:28:19 Jaci Rogash

We're starting the whole thing again.

00:28:20 Jaci Rogash

Yeah.

00:28:20 Jaci Rogash

Whereas it's like, but that's life, right?

00:28:23 Jaci Rogash

Like, you know, there's this perception that, and I think even still, you know, I feel like when you're in the depths of it, it's like you look at other people and you think that I have the perfect life or everything's so good.

00:28:36 Jaci Rogash

And then,

00:28:37 Jaci Rogash

Even now, I would say when you get to a place similar to where we are, there can still be this perception from some people where it's like, oh, they've got everything figured out and they never have any problems or they never have any of these.

00:28:50 Jaci Rogash

And it's like, no, you just learn how to navigate it and roll with it as opposed to either suppressing it or avoiding it or letting it control you.

00:29:00 Jaci Rogash

And again, that comes back to the presence of like,

00:29:04 Jaci Rogash

this is what's happening right now.

00:29:05 Jaci Rogash

And being a human means experiencing so many ups and downs.

00:29:12 Pania

Yeah, that's so funny that you say that about looking at other people and thinking that they have their whole lives together, because, you know, I do it, especially in today's world of social media, you're constantly visually seeing people living out, you know, a highlight reel of their lives.

00:29:28 Pania

So you compare then to your life and you're like, oh my God, am I mine is around nutrition and

00:29:34 Pania

fitness.

00:29:35 Pania

And I started to like psychologically think to myself, oh my God, I'm not doing enough, or I'm not lifting weights, or I'm not, you know, dialing deeply on my nutrition.

00:29:45 Pania

And I started to really compare myself to other people.

00:29:49 Pania

And then I was like, oh my God, I'm not perfect.

00:29:51 Pania

What am I going to do?

00:29:53 Pania

But again,

00:29:55 Pania

having those life coaching skills, I start to life coach myself.

00:29:59 Pania

And I ask myself these powerful questions like, what does my body need?

00:30:04 Pania

I'm not like everybody else, but all individual human beings experiencing life differently with, no one is the same person at all.

00:30:14 Pania

So it's like really asking myself, okay, I really want to move my body.

00:30:18 Pania

I know that, but do I want to lift weights?

00:30:20 Pania

No, I want to go to Pilates.

00:30:22 Pania

And that's then like really just tapping into myself and really consciously asking myself those powerful questions and knowing what I need now instead of outsourcing or numbing out.

00:30:37 Pania

So, yeah.

00:30:40 Jaci Rogash

And I think, you know, when we focus on ourselves, life is so much richer.

00:30:48 Jaci Rogash

And it's, as you said, like social media has some incredible qualities and it also has some ******* horrendous qualities.

00:30:57 Jaci Rogash

And it's really interesting how easily we can, you know, compare or fixate or, you know, look at other people.

00:31:06 Jaci Rogash

And then, and I know that we've had this conversation previously, you know, before this around when you see people just actively trying to pull people down as a way of,

00:31:18 Jaci Rogash

being significant.

00:31:19 Pania

Yeah.

00:31:20 Jaci Rogash

Just, oh, it's shocking.

00:31:24 Pania

And I think, and I've started to see even my shift in who I'm coaching as well and my age bracket shift and it has become,

00:31:37 Pania

I am coaching more younger women from the ages of 20 to 30 and them experiencing this new age life in the social media world and experiencing probably what you and I had experienced.

00:31:54 Pania

But back in the day, I was like passing notes.

00:31:58 Pania

And now people are, yeah, she's a **** or whatever you know, don't talk to her.

00:32:05 Pania

or like he's so hot, but now you're jumping on social media and you're just ragging everyone and working with some high profile people, it just consumes them because people are so, so nasty and young generation, their nervous system is already so dysregulated.

00:32:30 Pania

They're trying to like really trying to navigate all that at the same time is

00:32:36 Pania

it's crazy.

00:32:38 Pania

Like it blows my mind.

00:32:40 Jaci Rogash

Yeah.

00:32:40 Jaci Rogash

It's wild.

00:32:42 Jaci Rogash

Like I, it just makes me, it makes me angry, but it just is such a repellent for me.

00:32:50 Jaci Rogash

Anyone that just feels like they need to do that.

00:32:53 Jaci Rogash

And I think also a testament to the community that we're in.

00:32:56 Jaci Rogash

You know, I think until I joined, discovered the Beautiful You coaching community, I

00:33:03 Jaci Rogash

didn't really know what it was like to collaborate and work alongside and support other women.

00:33:09 Jaci Rogash

life for me was such a competition.

00:33:11 Jaci Rogash

Like I had to be better than someone to be worthy or to be deserving or to be noticed.

00:33:16 Pania

Yeah.

00:33:16 Jaci Rogash

And, you know, and I guess that comes back to what you said initially when you were like, I need to sort myself out, but then you start to notice who you're hanging around with and those patterns and those habits.

00:33:29 Jaci Rogash

And it changed, like, you know, you really need to

00:33:33 Jaci Rogash

feel what it's like to be, a part of a community like that or surrounded by people like that to understand that it is actually possible.

00:33:42 Pania

Yeah.

00:33:42 Pania

And we're not connecting on a, we're not connecting on a human left level anymore as much as we used to.

00:33:49 Pania

We're not doing the face to face contact.

00:33:52 Pania

It's through the screen.

00:33:54 Pania

So people are, you know, feeling more protected.

00:34:00 Pania

when they're attacking somebody or tearing them down and they don't think that there's any, there's going to be any consequences.

00:34:08 Pania

It takes me all my...

00:34:11 Pania

I've done the work.

00:34:11 Pania

I keep telling myself, it takes me all my effort not to reply or retaliate or get so hyped up about it.

00:34:20 Pania

Because then I have to think to myself, this is what they want.

00:34:24 Pania

And then if I'm doing this, how am I-- that's not settling something inside of me.

00:34:31 Pania

That's just-- and there's a whole other thing around that.

00:34:36 Pania

Yeah, it takes me all my effort not to respond and just-- and even sticking up for somebody.

00:34:41 Pania

But it's-- it's what these people want.

00:34:46 Pania

And, yeah, it's a sad part of the internet world, unfortunately.

00:34:51 Pania

And, yeah, it's just a whole other level.

00:34:53 Pania

And I-- and I have a young-- like, my daughter's-- she's going to be 21 at the end of the month.

00:35:00 Pania

And watching her in her high-profile life,

00:35:06 Pania

I always say to her, just come out and be authentic and honest and don't hide anything because

00:35:15 Pania

If someone wants to come at you, you've put all your life on social media anyway.

00:35:19 Pania

So now they can't attack you for anything.

00:35:23 Pania

And, you know, she says that she says because she's got a lot of friends in her world as well that get attacked and tear down and they make full reels.

00:35:31 Pania

They have whole pages of just tearing one particular person down.

00:35:35 Pania

It's crazy.

00:35:38 Pania

And so, yeah, she always says that as well.

00:35:40 Pania

She's like, just be authentic, be honest, show up as exactly who you are.

00:35:45 Pania

are.

00:35:46 Pania

And when someone comes for you, you can say to them, well, I don't care what you're saying because I've already put it on the internet anyway, and it doesn't bother me and I've done the work.

00:35:55 Jaci Rogash

So yeah, I used to be one of my it was one of my biggest lessons, I think was a secret can only hurt you when it's a secret.

00:36:06 Jaci Rogash

Like when you take responsibility and acknowledge whatever it is, it can't hurt you anymore.

00:36:12 Jaci Rogash

And I think for me, I hid so much

00:36:15 Jaci Rogash

of myself for so long that I was hurting me.

00:36:22 Jaci Rogash

Because it was such a secret to me.

00:36:24 Jaci Rogash

It was such like a, no, we're not looking at that.

00:36:28 Jaci Rogash

And so I was creating more harm for myself.

00:36:31 Jaci Rogash

And then when you bring it up, it's like, well, it's here and it's out.

00:36:36 Jaci Rogash

And I would imagine like, yeah, having, being a mum yourself and having a daughter in that,

00:36:45 Jaci Rogash

bracket and as you said, like a very high profile life and that kind of thing.

00:36:50 Jaci Rogash

I would imagine there's also a level of protectiveness for some of your clients, but how have you, you know, you've had 10 lifetimes, maybe even 20 or more?

00:37:00 Pania

I know I always say my short life, I've lived a very long life.

00:37:04 Jaci Rogash

Oh, I've lived so many lives.

00:37:07 Jaci Rogash

How have you found motherhood throughout all of it?

00:37:14 Pania

Honestly, I-- when I had my children, I was still a child.

00:37:20 Pania

I was still a baby trying to parent, and I didn't know what I was doing.

00:37:24 Pania

And I made so many mistakes.

00:37:27 Pania

And I think that that's-- I still get this lump of emotional-- it's not regret anymore.

00:37:37 Pania

It's not guilt, but it is just a sadness for myself.

00:37:43 Pania

now at that time when I was raising children.

00:37:46 Pania

But now I'm so proud of myself and I'm so proud of the mum that I am.

00:37:54 Pania

And I just see like the self-love, like putting myself first because I used to always put everybody else above me.

00:38:04 Pania

And so now I've put myself first, I can just,

00:38:10 Pania

It's such a beautiful experience to witness your children thriving, even as adults.

00:38:16 Pania

And I love to know that I take credit for all the hard work that I've done, and that's shifted and transformed.

00:38:25 Pania

Because when my two elders were growing up being in their teens,

00:38:31 Pania

My life was very chaotic, and I could see that playing out in their lives.

00:38:36 Pania

And they were living very chaotic lives, playing up in school, getting into relationships that weren't very healthy for them, and taking drugs, and all those kinds of things.

00:38:48 Pania

And I knew that that was my responsibility.

00:38:52 Pania

Now I know that that was part of how I was playing out my life, and that was--

00:38:57 Pania

a mirror to them and same as when my parents were mirroring to me those bad habits and those emotions and beliefs as well.

00:39:05 Pania

And so now I've just done a full switch.

00:39:10 Pania

My children are just the most beautiful humans on the planet.

00:39:15 Pania

And I'm just so grateful.

00:39:17 Pania

Their work ethic, their kindness, and their passion for life now has really, really changed.

00:39:25 Pania

I always say when you-- because I love being a parent of adult children, and it's still crazy.

00:39:31 Pania

But I'm like, I hate to burst any parent's bubble with young children because they think it's hard now.

00:39:40 Pania

And they're like, it'll get easier.

00:39:41 Pania

I'm like, um, I mean, it does, but it doesn't.

00:39:47 Pania

It also doesn't.

00:39:49 Pania

Like, I think I made a story about it the other day and I was like, um, yeah, it's a different kind of hard and you're still navigating being a parent.

00:39:58 Pania

And yeah, I just was like, um,

00:40:03 Pania

Congratulations and good luck.

00:40:07 Jaci Rogash

I know, right?

00:40:08 Jaci Rogash

And, you know, I'm in the thick of it with a two and a four year old.

00:40:12 Jaci Rogash

So it's like, you know, I'm in the thick of baby years.

00:40:17 Jaci Rogash

Yeah, baby.

00:40:18 Jaci Rogash

Emotional growth of being needed, like being like.

00:40:23 Jaci Rogash

If I don't take care of them, they don't survive.

00:40:25 Pania

Yes, survival.

00:40:28 Jaci Rogash

I'm in that state.

00:40:29 Jaci Rogash

Survival.

00:40:30 Jaci Rogash

You're responsible.

00:40:30 Jaci Rogash

I say the same thing to everything.

00:40:32 Jaci Rogash

I said, I don't ever think, like parenting is beautiful and such a gift and all of that, but there is always going to be, like there's, it's just, as you said, like it's a different season of heart.

00:40:43 Jaci Rogash

Like it gets easier in some ways, but you have different challenges.

00:40:47 Jaci Rogash

And as

00:40:50 Jaci Rogash

big-hearted humans.

00:40:51 Jaci Rogash

We're always going to care.

00:40:52 Jaci Rogash

We're always going to want the best for them.

00:40:54 Jaci Rogash

And that means showing up for ourselves and showing up for them and seeing what they do.

00:41:00 Jaci Rogash

And, you know, I, you know, sometimes joke with my partner who, you know, could do some more work.

00:41:09 Jaci Rogash

It's like...

00:41:12 Jaci Rogash

We'll clock it.

00:41:12 Jaci Rogash

We'll put a pin in it.

00:41:14 Jaci Rogash

I'm like, please don't say that to them.

00:41:18 Jaci Rogash

This is, all this, is like so many of our, so much of us is formed and created and based on who we are when we're little and how we're, the environment that we're brought up in.

00:41:29 Jaci Rogash

But I just, I do joke that I have two boys.

00:41:33 Jaci Rogash

So I'm like, I'm kind of glad, like there's like a little bit of stress relief knowing that they're boys doesn't entirely take it away.

00:41:39 Jaci Rogash

I need to make sure they're not ********.

00:41:41 Jaci Rogash

Yeah.

00:41:43 Jaci Rogash

But it's just,

00:41:44 Jaci Rogash

Yeah.

00:41:44 Jaci Rogash

And for all of it, it's just, I don't think it ever gets, I think there's certain parts that get easier, but then there's other parts that become more.

00:41:54 Pania

Yeah.

00:41:55 Pania

When they get older, they can express.

00:41:58 Pania

so much more and they can speak to, so they have words to articulate their feelings and emotions.

00:42:07 Pania

I mean, sometimes they don't and you've got to try and figure it out and you're like, what the hell's going on?

00:42:12 Pania

But I mean, even the school system, I was saying, filling out a form, go on other days where you're just signing a permission slip and putting the money in the envelope and sending, now it's a whole parent portal and I'm like,

00:42:29 Pania

And my youngest son is year 11.

00:42:34 Pania

So still navigating parenthood.

00:42:39 Pania

And for me, showing up and constantly being that example and constantly doing the work, that's what's most important to me for my children to grow up.

00:42:53 Pania

and be the best versions of themselves.

00:42:55 Pania

And I just would love to say to anyone who does listen to our podcast that it's never too late.

00:43:01 Pania

It is never too late to switch that up and change the narrative of your story.

00:43:06 Pania

And we all make mistakes.

00:43:08 Pania

And no parent is perfect, but we definitely have a choice.

00:43:12 Pania

And we can definitely start to choose ourselves and, yeah, start to mirror to our kids.

00:43:20 Pania

the best examples that we possibly can.

00:43:23 Jaci Rogash

Absolutely, absolutely.

00:43:27 Jaci Rogash

I used to think when I was growing, when I was really mature and like 18, so married with kids at 25 and I think, thank **** I wasn't.

00:43:41 Pania

I don't want to be a grandmother just yet.

00:43:43 Pania

I'm like, I don't want to be a grandmother.

00:43:45 Pania

I've just literally

00:43:47 Pania

I've been, my kids are almost out of the nest, even though I'm freaking out about that, but.

00:43:53 Jaci Rogash

Oh, and even that, like, it's all there, but even now.

00:43:57 Jaci Rogash

It's never ending.

00:43:58 Jaci Rogash

It's never ending.

00:44:00 Jaci Rogash

But one of my things with my kids is like, I want them to see what it looks like to take responsibility and ownership for things.

00:44:07 Jaci Rogash

And I know that, I wouldn't say I'm a reactive person, but in this season of life, I'm reactive when it comes to parenting at times.

00:44:14 Jaci Rogash

And when I do react, I talk to them about it.

00:44:17 Jaci Rogash

or I apologize if I do something.

00:44:19 Jaci Rogash

And so I know some people are like, oh, you should never put, I'm like, no, that's not, it's not what I believe in.

00:44:25 Jaci Rogash

Like, I want them to know that everyone ***** up.

00:44:28 Jaci Rogash

Like everyone makes mistakes and it's how you claim that and how you own that and how you mend those relationships over, you know, avoidance or ego.

00:44:39 Pania

Yeah, I just got chills when you said that, because I just think that that's so beautiful and I'm so,

00:44:46 Pania

Yeah, it just makes me happy that that's a realization for you now, parenting young children, because I didn't realize that until I was-- you know, my kids were, like, 16.

00:44:58 Pania

And it was, like, still learning to say, like, I'm-- like, I'm sorry.

00:45:03 Pania

I was a reactive parent right up until then.

00:45:06 Pania

That-- their age, that, um, was just a whole other level for me to be, like,

00:45:12 Pania

I'm so sorry I reacted the way I did, and this is why I reacted the way I did.

00:45:17 Pania

So, yeah, I just think that that's, yeah, a beautiful experience.

00:45:22 Pania

And the more that we can support each other as mothers as well, because we've all had different seasons of life, and we've all had different experiences and journeys.

00:45:32 Pania

And so, yeah, I think the more we band together, the more we support each other and share our stories and share our truth,

00:45:42 Pania

Yeah, then a lot more children will grow up with a nice regulated nervous system and know how to come back to self.

00:45:52 Pania

Yeah, when things get tough.

00:45:54 Jaci Rogash

Yeah.

00:45:55 Jaci Rogash

Thank you for sharing that.

00:45:56 Jaci Rogash

It's so beautiful.

00:45:59 Jaci Rogash

Tell me, I have two more questions.

00:46:01 Jaci Rogash

Two questions that I really want to ask, because I'm just so mindful of your time.

00:46:06 Jaci Rogash

What have been your biggest lessons or

00:46:10 Jaci Rogash

growth areas.

00:46:11 Pania

Oh, my God.

00:46:13 Jaci Rogash

That's even a question that you can answer.

00:46:15 Pania

I'll go into the file and see which one.

00:46:19 Jaci Rogash

What comes through today?

00:46:21 Pania

My whole life has been a lesson.

00:46:24 Pania

I think, yeah, thought about this question before we jumped on.

00:46:28 Pania

And I think my biggest lesson would be around purpose.

00:46:33 Pania

I struggled my whole life to feel like

00:46:38 Pania

I was part of something or I had a purpose or I was meant for something.

00:46:43 Pania

And I think the biggest lesson is I like to see it as an equation and it's like, find out what you're good at.

00:46:54 Pania

plus helping people.

00:46:56 Pania

And then that's your purpose, I think.

00:47:00 Pania

And then once I realized that, that was just a light bulb moment for me, like, OK, I'm really good at doing this, and this is what I'm going to do to help people.

00:47:12 Pania

And then that became my purpose.

00:47:14 Pania

And it has just rolled on and rolled on from there.

00:47:19 Pania

And I think my biggest growth is

00:47:25 Pania

Definitely, that healing is my own responsibility.

00:47:32 Pania

And that the smallest change, just the tiniest changes every single day can lead to like the biggest impacts.

00:47:44 Pania

And I think, you know, we there's a lot of people out there who think that they have to have these big, impactful things, these big changes.

00:47:53 Pania

make these big bounds and leaps, but it's in those small moments, in those everyday moments in life that can have the hugest impacts and can lead on into living the life that you really deserve and you really want.

00:48:10 Jaci Rogash

Yes.

00:48:12 Pania

Thought about that question.

00:48:13 Pania

That's a really good question.

00:48:14 Pania

Because I was like, lessons.

00:48:19 Jaci Rogash

So every day, every day is a lesson.

00:48:21 Jaci Rogash

What did I learn today?

00:48:22 Pania

Yeah, basically.

00:48:26 Jaci Rogash

I love that healing is my own responsibility.

00:48:29 Jaci Rogash

That is such a powerful statement.

00:48:32 Jaci Rogash

And imagine imagine how different life would be if everybody everybody realized.

00:48:36 Pania

Yeah.

00:48:38 Pania

Yeah.

00:48:38 Jaci Rogash

And as you said, like, to

00:48:40 Jaci Rogash

Just those micro moments, those small things, like the smallest changes, the one percenters as opposed to...

00:48:46 Jaci Rogash

I feel like that's often why people stop or don't get to where they want because they make it so much bigger than it needs to be.

00:48:53 Pania

Yeah.

00:48:54 Pania

And there's this thing where I find a lot of people just want

00:49:00 Pania

the instant fix, or this is how I'm going to-- how do I get from-- people will see me online.

00:49:06 Pania

And the most common question they ask me is, how did I get from where I was to where I am now?

00:49:11 Pania

And it just-- I'm straight up honest.

00:49:14 Pania

I'm like, it did not happen overnight.

00:49:16 Pania

It was not a fun time.

00:49:18 Pania

And it has taken a lot of hard work.

00:49:21 Pania

But it was in those tiny little moments that every day I decided to

00:49:27 Pania

you know, do something different or make a change, take that tiny step forward and just keep leaning in, keep leaning in.

00:49:35 Pania

That led to this moment here where I am now.

00:49:38 Pania

And now I'm pushing myself to be even bigger and better than I was every day yesterday, you know, even from yesterday.

00:49:46 Pania

So, yeah.

00:49:49 Jaci Rogash

I love that.

00:49:50 Jaci Rogash

And my last question, which I ask everybody, what does thriving after trauma mean to you?

00:49:57 Pania

I definitely think that your past does not define you or how you live, knowing that your story was like, it's a part of you, but it does not control the rest of your life.

00:50:12 Pania

And you can use

00:50:15 Pania

these experiences, your personal experiences, to help others.

00:50:21 Pania

Everything that I've gone through, everything that you've gone through gives us these lessons, these growth moments.

00:50:28 Pania

And so now it's like, how can we continue to help the collective?

00:50:33 Pania

And it might just be one person.

00:50:34 Pania

And the more we show up and the more we share our story, the more I step into my authenticity, the more people that I find are

00:50:45 Pania

attracted to what I do and who I am.

00:50:47 Pania

And so, yeah, I just think my experiences, all those, like you said in the very beginning, for a circle, full circle moment, all the, you know, toxic relationships, the addiction, the experience of supporting my husband in prison for six years, all of that has led me

00:51:09 Pania

to hear now and yeah, I haven't let it define me and I've just made it become a part of my life and who I am and I hope to share everything that I've learned from that with anyone and everyone that I can.

00:51:27 Jaci Rogash

Thank you so much.

00:51:29 Jaci Rogash

Please, I feel like we need like a round two because it's

00:51:33 Jaci Rogash

So many things that we haven't got.

00:51:35 Pania

That's so fun.

00:51:36 Jaci Rogash

I just.

00:51:37 Pania

I love having a chat.

00:51:38 Pania

You get me on and I'm just like, yep.

00:51:42 Pania

Talk about life.

00:51:43 Jaci Rogash

Amazing.

00:51:44 Jaci Rogash

Thank you so much for being here.

00:51:45 Jaci Rogash

Yay.

00:51:46 Pania

Thank you for having me.