Thriving After Trauma
Hosted by Trauma Transformation & Energy Coach, Jaci Rogash, Thriving After Trauma is a podcast about real life stories of transformation, navigating life and being able to show up in the world as your unapologetic self. We’ll talk about the ups, the downs, the ugly truths and the magical moments that we all experience, but often feel we can’t share, so we can bring to life the importance of having meaningful conversations and embracing our own journey in this crazy thing we call life.
Thriving After Trauma
Finding Purpose After Trauma
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Recently I was asked these 3 questions. They were so good that I wanted to create a separate episode for them, so here it is.
The questions were:
~ Any tips for those who don't quite feel aligned in life, happy but perhaps missing a sense of purpose?
~ Is it common to not feel like you have reached your final destination, like there is so much more to life, yet to find, to explore and engage in?
~ Or is it just a feeling for those that constantly want more out of life?
Tune in to this episode to hear my thoughts… and some not so subtle truth bombs.
Connect with me:
Transcript
00:00:00
Welcome to Thriving After Trauma, a podcast to help you move beyond surviving and support you to truly thrive in every area of your life.
00:00:09
Sometimes it's scary to claim your big desires because of your past.
00:00:12
This podcast will give you the courage to put yourself first and make your dreams a priority.
00:00:17
I'm Jackie, an award-winning trauma transformation coach, breathwork facilitator and international speaker.
00:00:24
I am so excited to bring you these deep, honest and real conversations as a way of supporting you to truly thrive after trauma.
00:00:32
Welcome back.
00:00:33
Welcome back to Thriving After Trauma and more so looking at finding purpose after trauma.
00:00:40
I put a call out before my 200th episode asking people if there was anything they wanted to know, anything they wanted to ask me, that kind of thing.
00:00:49
And I got sent a series of three questions
00:00:53
that felt so important and really relevant to everyone.
00:01:01
So I thought I would make an individual episode on those questions.
00:01:05
So the three questions that were posed to me are any tips for those who don't quite feel aligned in life, happy but perhaps missing a sense of purpose?
00:01:16
Is it common to not feel like you've reached your final destination?
00:01:20
Like there is so much more to life yet to find, to explore, to engage in?
00:01:27
Or is it just a feeling for those that constantly want more out of life?
00:01:32
And these are questions that every single person who experiences trauma at some stage
00:01:45
will ask themselves or ponder or question, which is why I wanted to make this episode.
00:01:54
And they're ******* good questions, right?
00:01:57
They're ******* good questions.
00:02:00
I think, you know, and I can answer this in so many different ways and so many different seasons and that kind of thing, but I'm just gonna wing it.
00:02:07
I'm just gonna wing it and answer what comes through to me today on this day of recording.
00:02:14
And the first thing I want to say is often when people are chasing, so it's like that if then thinking, I just need this and then I'll be happy.
00:02:23
I just need this, then I'll be happy.
00:02:24
I just need this, then I'll be happy.
00:02:26
And what often happens is we're chasing that or we have a goal and we reach that goal and then it's like, okay, what's next?
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And then we reach what's next and we're like, okay, what's next?
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And then we set something else and we're like, okay, what's next?
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And it is just this never ending cycle.
00:02:44
It's not even a cycle, it's just a line, right?
00:02:46
Because you're just like setting these goals and going for them, but not taking any time to appreciate what you've achieved, not being present.
00:02:56
And it's chasing, like you feel like you have constantly chasing something.
00:03:01
Often that comes when we feel insecure, detached,
00:03:09
not aligned, misaligned, because it's like, if I reach this, then maybe I'll feel happy.
00:03:16
It's almost like I have to achieve this to feel contentment, or I have to feel this to feel good about myself, or I have to achieve this to prove that I'm worthy, or I have to achieve this to dot, dot, dot.
00:03:28
And we create these stories.
00:03:30
Well, we don't create these stories.
00:03:32
Our internal wiring is telling us that we need to constantly be achieving, constantly be chasing.
00:03:39
And for me, I was like that when I had so many unhealed wounds, when I was still carrying around all of my trauma.
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I didn't know it at the time, but it was like, okay, well I've set these, so what do I, what's next?
00:03:58
And I, almost every time when I think about it, when I really, really wanted something, I got it, which is great.
00:04:08
But I didn't ever stop to celebrate or soak it up because I wasn't content in who I am.
00:04:18
And my reasoning for constantly chasing was to try and feel good enough.
00:04:26
And as we all know, that sense of worth and self-belief doesn't come from external achievements.
00:04:35
It comes from internal
00:04:37
beliefs, internal patternings, the way that we view ourselves.
00:04:40
So that's the first thing I want to say.
00:04:44
In saying that, doesn't mean that I don't set goals, right?
00:04:49
It's not like I'm like, okay, this, you know, I often plan or think about what I'm doing next and what life looks like and what, you know, my business looks like and all of that.
00:04:58
And I think you have to as a business owner, like obviously, because if you don't
00:05:02
be ******* chaotic.
00:05:04
And my life is chaotic enough as it is with two little boys.
00:05:07
I don't need chaos in my business as well.
00:05:10
Not to say I don't sometimes get chaos, but I don't need like self-inflicted chaos.
00:05:15
No one does.
00:05:17
So you can have goals, which most people do, but there's a difference between achieving something and celebrating it and enjoying it and really being present with what you've done.
00:05:31
than constantly chasing.
00:05:34
Because if you're in the if then thinking, if this happens, then I'll be happy.
00:05:37
If this happens, then I'm worthy.
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If this happens, then I deserve it.
00:05:40
Then you're never going to reach that final destination.
00:05:46
So I'm really content and happy in my life.
00:05:49
Yes, there are things that I want and there are things that I will change and there were things that I will focus on and there are goals that I will set.
00:05:56
But I am really happy.
00:05:59
It's not, I don't have to achieve something else to feel better about myself.
00:06:06
So that's the first, like, that's not the first thing.
00:06:08
It's the second thing.
00:06:11
And then when we change, as I've kind of spoken to here, I think we still set goals and we still focus on things, but the way that we do it looks differently.
00:06:23
And
00:06:25
for those of you who don't feel quite aligned or are missing that sense of purpose, yeah, it's time to look at what you want to do.
00:06:37
What is it that you want to achieve?
00:06:39
What is it that makes you happy?
00:06:41
What is it that you're passionate about?
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What is it that excites you?
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What is it that makes you feel alive?
00:06:48
You know, and sometimes, you know, sometimes our purpose is very obvious and
00:06:54
sometimes it takes some time, some experimenting to figure out what it is.
00:06:59
For me, I've always known that I've wanted to help people.
00:07:03
I've shared this a number of times where after I was raped, and then a few other things happened.
00:07:09
It was the story I told myself was bad **** happens to me so I can help others.
00:07:15
And that belief saved me and it paved the path
00:07:23
for my purpose before I even realized it.
00:07:26
so I had that story and I joined the police force because I genuinely wanted to help people, even though when you said that it was kind of like laughed at because it was such a cliche answer.
00:07:37
But I do honestly believe that a lot of people join the police force because they want to help people.
00:07:41
They want to make a difference.
00:07:42
Sure, there are some cowboys out there that are joining for maybe not the right reasons.
00:07:46
There are probably some lazy people who want the pay and the excellent holidays.
00:07:52
And if I'm honest, I joined because I wanted to help people.
00:07:57
And when I was in there, I looked at that and, after I left, I looked back at it and I would say that I did help people, but that wasn't the focus.
00:08:09
you get in and you're kind of trained and drilled to hunt.
00:08:13
the excitement is in arresting people.
00:08:15
The excitement is in briefs and stats and, that kind of thing.
00:08:20
It's not about
00:08:22
And it's funny, like you even look at the statistics and how you're measured.
00:08:26
I got secondments really early on in my career because I had the highest number of briefs and I was really good at paperwork and, highest number of briefs means I'd arrested the most amount of people.
00:08:40
And, so of course, like you prove yourself by arrests, by briefs, by stats.
00:08:50
There is no
00:08:51
measurement in there about how many victims you helped, how many domestic violent victims you saved, how many lives you saved, how many people you stopped from having a stalker, how many people you rescued.
00:09:09
And that makes me really sad now because I was that person.
00:09:16
You know, I
00:09:19
I never reported my rape to the police.
00:09:21
I went to the police when my abusive ex escalated and was stalking me and threw a glass at my head and was told there was nothing they could do.
00:09:32
I went to the police when I had a stalker and they told me there was nothing they could do.
00:09:36
And I was just turned away.
00:09:39
And when I was in there, I was one of those people.
00:09:43
I would like to think that I didn't just turn people away.
00:09:47
But I know for a fact that there are situations that I didn't handle the way that I would now.
00:09:52
But that's ingrained in you, right?
00:09:55
Anyway, I've totally digressed, totally digressed.
00:10:00
But I wanted to help people.
00:10:02
I left the police force and being a cop had become my identity.
00:10:05
It was like, this is who I am.
00:10:06
And when I was working with my psychologist, she's like, well, what do you enjoy about it?
00:10:09
I'm like, it ticks all my boxes, right?
00:10:11
It ticks all of my boxes.
00:10:13
And she said to me, and I laughed at her at the time, she's like, maybe it's a matter of still ticking your boxes, but your boxes are ticked by different things.
00:10:20
I was like, that's ridiculous.
00:10:23
But it's not, right?
00:10:26
And then when I was working at the uni, I loved that job.
00:10:29
And that was, I was genuinely helping people.
00:10:32
I was supporting people and that felt really good.
00:10:38
And then it also started to get a little bit heavy.
00:10:41
dealing with active trauma every day, it's taxing as well as, working in a political environment and that kind of thing.
00:10:52
It can be exhausting.
00:10:54
And then I discovered coaching where I get to genuinely help people, but it's not on me to help them.
00:11:05
So I hold the container and I hold the space and I get to support them in the most beautiful way.
00:11:10
but they're the ones doing the work.
00:11:13
And it's, I don't know, it's something so exciting to me about seeing that.
00:11:18
So exciting to celebrate other people and their achievements and what they're doing and to be witness, to be witness to that.
00:11:27
And that's how I found my purpose.
00:11:29
So I always knew that my purpose was to help people.
00:11:32
I just didn't know how.
00:11:34
And for some people, it's like, what do you love?
00:11:38
Like, what do you love?
00:11:40
and what makes you happy?
00:11:41
Like what sets your heart on fire?
00:11:43
For some people, numbers, they're like, ******* love numbers and they're accountants and they're like, this is my purpose.
00:11:51
To me, that doesn't feel great, but you know, each to their own.
00:11:54
So if there's something that you love, do it.
00:11:58
So often we get caged into having a corporate life and maybe a personal life or we have, you know, our job and then we have us, but it's like, why can't you do both?
00:12:07
And I think for me, our purpose is getting to.
00:12:12
do what we love and get paid for it.
00:12:15
And I know that that's not always the reality for some people.
00:12:19
A lot of people who donate their time and donate to other charities and that kind of thing, they're obviously not getting paid for that.
00:12:31
So they do that because they genuinely love it and so maybe their purpose is in there somewhere.
00:12:37
But if you don't feel quite aligned, it's more about
00:12:41
What's missing?
00:12:43
Where are the gaps or where don't you feel fulfilled?
00:12:46
Where do you feel fulfilled?
00:12:47
So maybe start there.
00:12:48
Where do you feel fulfilled?
00:12:49
Where don't you?
00:12:51
And what's missing?
00:12:53
A little extended piece here.
00:12:57
I believe contribution, contributing to someone or something in some way also ties into purpose.
00:13:05
But as a first place, as a starting point,
00:13:09
Where do you feel fulfilled?
00:13:10
Where don't you?
00:13:11
And what's missing?
00:13:13
Then you can look at like, what do I love?
00:13:15
What do I hate?
00:13:17
What makes me excited?
00:13:18
What like liberates me?
00:13:20
You know, so it's really playing with different things about like, what am I put on this earth to do?
00:13:28
Right?
00:13:28
Because we're not, as much as we were taught this when we were younger, we're not put on this earth just to rock up, go to school, go to school, rock up, go to work, get paid and go home.
00:13:38
Sure, some people might, love what they do.
00:13:41
That's different.
00:13:43
Some people do it only for the money.
00:13:45
That's not purpose.
00:13:47
That's money.
00:13:48
I want to say greed, but it's not necessarily greed, right?
00:13:51
So it's about figuring out what is important to you and moving forward from there.
00:14:00
The next question around, you know,
00:14:03
Is it common to not feel like you've reached that final destination, like there's more to life?
00:14:07
I spoke about that at the start in terms of that chasing and stuff.
00:14:11
But I honestly, the one thing that we are promised is change.
00:14:17
The world changes, we evolve.
00:14:19
Like imagine if you were the same person that you were 10 years ago, 20 years ago, 30 years ago, depending on how old you are.
00:14:25
Like how boring would life be if nothing ever changed, if you didn't evolve?
00:14:30
And sometimes we experience things and we feel like we've gone in a completely different direction and maybe not a good direction, maybe a direction that makes us feel pretty ****** if we're honest.
00:14:41
And so yeah, there's going to feel like there's more to life.
00:14:44
But I honestly believe that when we find contentment and fulfillment within ourself, it's not a matter of, like I don't think there is a final destination if I'm honest.
00:14:59
I don't want there to be a final destination because what happens when I get there?
00:15:03
Like then what do I do with the rest of my life?
00:15:07
say for example, God knows I know I'm making this up, but if my final destination was create a $1,000,000 business and I do that, it's like cool.
00:15:19
So now what?
00:15:21
And my, to be fair, a goal of mine would never be create $1,000,000 business because that's not why, like, yes, I have a business and I have to make money in my business to have a business.
00:15:30
But my purpose for my business is not money led.
00:15:36
Right.
00:15:37
But also, how boring if you think you've learned everything.
00:15:42
How boring if you think that there's never something else to explore, to learn, to, you know, experience.
00:15:48
So there is no final destination in this part of where people promote, once you get here, then you've made it.
00:15:57
Made what?
00:15:58
Like, what does that look like?
00:16:00
You know?
00:16:01
Sure, I'm sure that we would all love to get to a place where things are effortless and easy and abundant and fun and, you know, just beautiful every single day.
00:16:11
But I also don't think that's part of being a human.
00:16:13
You know, the human experience is
00:16:16
trials and tribulations.
00:16:18
It's everything.
00:16:22
So but I think that we can tick off things that we want to do.
00:16:27
Like we can have goals and we can have vision boards and we can have bucket lists and be like, okay, like what do I want to do?
00:16:32
What do I want to explore?
00:16:33
What do I want to experience?
00:16:35
How do I want to live?
00:16:36
And I think that is probably the question to ask when you're feeling like you're not where you want to be.
00:16:43
How do you want to live?
00:16:45
what's actually important to you and how can you align yourself with that?
00:16:52
Because when you start living and operating and functioning from that space, all of the extra bits just feel like an added bonus.
00:17:03
So yes, it is so common for people to feel like they haven't reached their final destination.
00:17:08
And I also don't think there is a final destination.
00:17:11
I just think that would be really, really boring.
00:17:14
doesn't mean don't set goals, doesn't mean don't have a plan, doesn't mean don't have a vision.
00:17:20
It means bring that vision to life and enjoy every moment of it.
00:17:24
And if something else comes up, then go after that.
00:17:27
We have to.
00:17:29
You know, just the evolution of who we are is so magical.
00:17:37
And I think if we're constantly wanting more out of life,
00:17:42
we are missing, there's something missing.
00:17:46
if often when we're looking externally, it's because we're not comfortable with who we are.
00:17:51
We don't love who we are.
00:17:52
We have unhealed wounds or, you know, our self-belief is poo.
00:17:58
We don't love ourselves, whatever.
00:18:01
Because if you're looking externally for fulfillment, you're always going to be looking.
00:18:05
Like you're never going to find fulfillment.
00:18:08
you might find joy and you might find a moment of like, **** yeah, I've made it.
00:18:13
And then that excitement, like the dopamine hit that you get from that wears off.
00:18:17
And it's like, it's kind of like when we, in 2020, when Australia was in lockdown, we, everyone, you know, was stuck at home.
00:18:29
And so many people were left with this question of like, who am I?
00:18:36
Who am I when I'm not
00:18:38
working my *** off, when I'm not running around after the kids, when I'm not cooking, cleaning, running errands, doing all this stuff, when I am just at home, I know some people worked at home, but like when I'm at home by myself all day, every day, who the **** am I?
00:18:55
When I'm not a slave to everybody else, who am I?
00:18:58
When I'm not doing all of the housework or running around after everybody else, who am I?
00:19:04
And that's really the question.
00:19:07
Who are you?
00:19:09
Again, it doesn't mean that you don't want more for yourself and that you won't always want more for yourself.
00:19:15
But when it's this constant nag or need that there's something missing, that there has to be something more, it tells me that there's some internal work to be done, some connecting and future visioning, and then some action taking.
00:19:32
But again, you can take action, but until you have that personal connection to it,
00:19:39
Nothing's gonna bring you that purpose.
00:19:41
Nothing's gonna give you that fulfillment.
00:19:44
You know, for me, again, it was this constant chasing and I craved external validation.
00:19:50
And don't get me wrong, recognition from other people is really amazing.
00:19:55
It feels really good to be acknowledged for something.
00:19:59
And I will never, ever downplay that.
00:20:04
When this becomes a problem,
00:20:07
is when you need the external validation or that recognition from someone else to feel good about yourself.
00:20:15
Right?
00:20:16
And that can sometimes be a bit of a trap because often it's like, I don't need anyone to make me feel good.
00:20:21
It's like, no, you don't and you shouldn't.
00:20:23
And also it's really ******* nice for someone to tell you how great you are.
00:20:27
Really nice.
00:20:29
You know?
00:20:31
I recently found out that the Beautiful You Coaching Academy podcast
00:20:37
had released their Inspired Coach, is their podcast.
00:20:41
They released their 100th episode and I got tagged saying I hadn't listened to it, saying congratulations to Jackie on being in the top ten.
00:20:48
I was like, oh, I wonder what number I am.
00:20:50
And I was more curious than anything.
00:20:53
And so I went and listened to it and I was #3.
00:20:55
And I was like, how ******* cool is that?
00:20:57
Like amazing.
00:20:59
And I rang Chris, my husband.
00:21:02
Wow, that's the first time I've said that on here, my husband.
00:21:07
And I was like, guess what?
00:21:08
Here's a really cool thing.
00:21:10
And I said, I'm like, my podcast is the, and not that, not that I focus on numbers and like I'm not driven by that.
00:21:21
Like that doesn't matter.
00:21:22
But it's still nice to know that Martin was the third highest downloads, third highest listens to listen to.
00:21:30
That's terrible English.
00:21:31
It's like, okay, people want to hear from me.
00:21:34
And that's really cool.
00:21:36
so we can celebrate and we can take that in and we can enjoy that.
00:21:40
It's the same as some consulting work I've been doing where, they're stoked with me.
00:21:48
They're like, oh, this is so great.
00:21:49
I'm like, yeah, it is.
00:21:52
And I'm sure some people will be like, oh, you're so arrogant.
00:21:55
No, I'm not.
00:21:55
I just know where my zone of genius lies and I know what I'm good at.
00:21:59
And once upon a time, I never would have claimed that because I would have thought that it would have made me arrogant or that I was up myself or I would have justified saying that with saying without, I don't want to sound up myself, but.
00:22:11
And there is this story that we have that we're not allowed to talk about what we're good at.
00:22:17
And I think it's just rubbish because we need to feel good about ourselves in order to find any purpose or fulfillment.
00:22:25
So again, I've gone off on so many tangents.
00:22:29
And I haven't answered the question of how to find your purpose after trauma.
00:22:33
I've given you some tips, but ultimately one podcast episode is not going to help you find your purpose.
00:22:41
It might help you have some ideas and think about things.
00:22:46
Again, this quick fix mentality, if you saw the title of this podcast episode, Finding Purpose After Trauma and you were like, yes, I'm going to listen to this and I'm going to know what my purpose is.
00:22:57
then we've got some more work to do.
00:23:02
So find your purpose after trauma.
00:23:04
Is it possible?
00:23:05
Yeah, absolutely.
00:23:06
Do you need to work on yourself first?
00:23:08
Absolutely.
00:23:09
Or first in line with, right?
00:23:12
I don't think you can truly find your purpose unless you are really comfortable and content with who you are internally.
00:23:21
Because I feel like otherwise we're just chasing externals.
00:23:26
So that is it.
00:23:27
But if you are someone who does want support with finding your purpose, you're like, I just know that there's something missing and I need to like, I really, really want to work on this.
00:23:37
Please reach out to me.
00:23:39
I do have space for two one-on-ones at the moment.
00:23:44
So if you wanted to do some one-on-one coaching,
00:23:46
please let me know.
00:23:47
Otherwise, visionaries, I'm taking monthly enrolments for that as well.
00:23:51
So the best way is to book a discovery call.
00:23:54
We can chat about what it is that you want and go from there.
00:23:58
But do know that if you want support, I'm here to support you.