Thriving After Trauma
Hosted by Trauma Transformation & Energy Coach, Jaci Rogash, Thriving After Trauma is a podcast about real life stories of transformation, navigating life and being able to show up in the world as your unapologetic self. We’ll talk about the ups, the downs, the ugly truths and the magical moments that we all experience, but often feel we can’t share, so we can bring to life the importance of having meaningful conversations and embracing our own journey in this crazy thing we call life.
Thriving After Trauma
Violet Lange: Building incredible relationships after trauma
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You are in for a treat this week my friend.
I had the treat of interviewing the incredible Violet Lange - where we spoke about… lots.
Violet shared about her traumatic childhood, what led to her doing the work she does, the biggest challenges she sees in her clients when it comes to building relationships, how she supports her clients, relationships with toxic parents and SO MUCH MORE.
It was honestly so amazing and I know we could have expanded on every part so much more, but this conversation will leave you feeling inspired, hopeful and maybe a little less alone.
Violet helps smart, spiritual humans to attract and create lasting love, and helps those in partnership to create soulful sex.
She is a professionally trained coach, yoga teacher, and Reiki Master who graduated from Harvard and left the corporate world to follow her passion — empowering people to heal trauma and heartbreak, and become the match for bold love in every area of life. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, she is passionate about alchemizing our deepest wounds into joy.
Violet believes love is the most powerful force on the planet. Through love we can build healthy families and a healthy world.
I can’t wait for you to hear this episode.
Connect with Violet:
https://violetlange.com/lovealchemy/
https://www.facebook.com/violetlange1
@violetlovelange on IG
violet@violetlange.com for 1:1 bespoke coaching
Connect with me:
Transcript
00:00:00 Jaci Rogash
You are in for a treat this week my friend.
00:00:04 Jaci Rogash
I had the honour of interviewing the incredible Violet Lang where we spoke about lots.
00:00:10 Jaci Rogash
Violet shared about her traumatic childhood, what led her to doing the work that she does now, the biggest challenges she sees in her clients when it comes to building relationships, how she supports her clients, relationships with toxic parents and so much more.
00:00:26 Jaci Rogash
It was honestly so amazing and I know we could have expanded on every part of this episode, but the conversation will leave you feeling inspired, hopeful and a little bit less alone.
00:00:38 Jaci Rogash
Violet helps smart spiritual humans to attract and create lasting love and helps those in partnership to create soulful sex.
00:00:46 Jaci Rogash
She is a professionally trained coach, yoga teacher and Reiki master who graduated from Harvard and left the corporate world to follow her passion.
00:00:54 Jaci Rogash
empowering people to heal trauma and heartbreak and become the match for bold love in every area of life.
00:01:02 Jaci Rogash
As a survivor of childhood sex abuse, she is passionate about alchemising our deepest wounds into joy.
00:01:09 Jaci Rogash
Violet believes love is the most powerful force on the planet.
00:01:12 Jaci Rogash
Through love, we can build healthy families and a healthy world.
00:01:16 Jaci Rogash
I can't wait for you to hear this episode and all of the gold that is held within.
00:01:21 Jaci Rogash
Enjoy.
00:01:23 Jaci Rogash
Welcome to Thriving After Trauma, a podcast to help you move beyond surviving and support you to truly thrive in every area of your life.
00:01:31 Jaci Rogash
Sometimes it's scary to claim your big desires because of your past.
00:01:35 Jaci Rogash
This podcast will give you the courage to put yourself first and make your dreams a priority.
00:01:40 Jaci Rogash
I'm Jackie, an award-winning trauma transformation coach, breathwork facilitator and international speaker.
00:01:46 Jaci Rogash
I am so excited to bring you these deep, honest and real conversations as a way of supporting you to truly thrive after trauma.
00:01:54 Jaci Rogash
Hi Violet, thank you so much for being here today.
00:01:58 Jaci Rogash
Thank you for having me.
00:01:59 Jaci Rogash
It is so wonderful.
00:02:01 Jaci Rogash
And before I hit record, we were just talking about how it's so amazing that people from across the world can be connected through different people.
00:02:11 Jaci Rogash
And it just feels, it feels so special to have you here.
00:02:16 Violet Lange
So for the opportunity.
00:02:18 Jaci Rogash
Oh, of course.
00:02:20 Jaci Rogash
So for everybody listening, I would love it if you could just maybe share a bit about yourself, how you got into the work that you do a little bit, yeah, about your journey.
00:02:31 Violet Lange
Yes, my story is deeply personal.
00:02:35 Violet Lange
So the work I do was not intentional in terms of, I didn't start my life or even my first career in my 20s thinking this is what I would be doing.
00:02:43 Violet Lange
But a lot of factors shaped that.
00:02:48 Violet Lange
So I'll kind of start at the beginning, which is that growing up I experienced a lot of childhood trauma.
00:02:52 Violet Lange
So I was sexually abused by my father.
00:02:56 Violet Lange
and raped as a teenager by him and a lot of complex trauma because he's a narcissist and my mom has borderline and my sister was suicidal and my brother has addictions.
00:03:08 Violet Lange
And so there's just a lot happening in the family system.
00:03:12 Violet Lange
But on the outside, it was all like good grades and be successful and all of this.
00:03:16 Violet Lange
So I went through the world knowing that something was off but not being able to really name it because I suppressed a lot of my memories.
00:03:23 Violet Lange
And then
00:03:25 Violet Lange
In my late 20s, I had a huge life change.
00:03:29 Violet Lange
I got divorced.
00:03:31 Violet Lange
I was in a marriage, but it was a sexless marriage.
00:03:33 Violet Lange
There was really no intimacy.
00:03:34 Violet Lange
We both probably had our trauma.
00:03:35 Violet Lange
I know for myself, I had my trauma I wasn't looking at.
00:03:39 Violet Lange
And all of these changes happened in my life.
00:03:43 Violet Lange
And then I went on a totally different course and as I was healing my trauma and working with my love life post-divorce and figuring out how to date and also figuring out a lot of health stuff, I was working for a company called Yoga Works.
00:03:57 Violet Lange
I was in the personal development space and I just got addicted to it.
00:04:01 Violet Lange
was like I was taking trainings and I was reading books and I was in workshops and
00:04:06 Violet Lange
my coaching clients at the time were more business coaching clients, but all of them asked me within three to six months, like, hey, the business stuff is going well now, but can you help me with my love life?
00:04:16 Violet Lange
And I was like, this is totally out of scope.
00:04:18 Violet Lange
How do you know that this is something I'm studying and working on?
00:04:21 Violet Lange
And I don't know, they just knew.
00:04:23 Violet Lange
And so that started probably in like 2013.
00:04:27 Violet Lange
I started coaching in 2011 anyway.
00:04:28 Violet Lange
And then finally in 2017, I was like, okay,
00:04:32 Violet Lange
I'm going to stop doing yoga teaching and Reiki and executive coaching and all these things.
00:04:36 Violet Lange
I'm just going to focus on love coaching and everything kind of took off from there.
00:04:40 Jaci Rogash
So it's amazing.
00:04:44 Jaci Rogash
It's amazing.
00:04:45 Jaci Rogash
And it's always interesting.
00:04:47 Jaci Rogash
Well, firstly, thank you so much for sharing that with us.
00:04:50 Jaci Rogash
Thank you so much for sharing.
00:04:52 Jaci Rogash
I feel like when we step into this realm, it's always personal.
00:04:58 Jaci Rogash
You know, it always
00:05:01 Jaci Rogash
for me, I couldn't, I don't think I could coach on something that didn't mean something to me, that didn't have that depth and that connection.
00:05:11 Jaci Rogash
And I also think I probably wouldn't be a very good coach if I didn't have that depth and connection as well.
00:05:16 Jaci Rogash
You mentioned something in there, we mentioned a lot of things, but one of the pieces that I know a lot of people in my community
00:05:24 Jaci Rogash
struggle with or feel like make themselves wrong for is suppressed memories because of their trauma.
00:05:34 Jaci Rogash
Would you be open to sharing a little bit more about that and your experience with that?
00:05:39 Violet Lange
Yeah, of course.
00:05:41 Violet Lange
I think the hardest thing for me, ironically, was not recovering the memories.
00:05:46 Violet Lange
It was not believing myself.
00:05:50 Violet Lange
When I did recover them, it was gaslighting myself, right?
00:05:53 Violet Lange
It's like, oh, that couldn't have happened.
00:05:56 Violet Lange
You messed that up.
00:05:57 Violet Lange
You know, even when I, everyone chooses to walk this path differently, but I did choose to talk with my parents like face to face about things.
00:06:05 Violet Lange
And it was, you've gone to too much therapy.
00:06:08 Violet Lange
You know, like it was just, it was just, everything was negated.
00:06:12 Violet Lange
And there's a certain sort of pain of, for me,
00:06:18 Violet Lange
of like longing for it not to be true, right?
00:06:22 Violet Lange
Like longing for it to be the way that they said it was versus what my body was telling me and what my memories were telling me and what my just like resonance and somatics in the moment with other people who've experienced similar things were telling me.
00:06:37 Violet Lange
I remember doing plant medicine ceremonies and being like, just please have the medicine show me that this didn't actually happen.
00:06:43 Violet Lange
And everything can go back to being good and normal with my family.
00:06:46 Violet Lange
And not realizing like, well, it never really was good and normal, even though there was love there.
00:06:50 Violet Lange
And even though there were good things that I received, it wasn't just all bad.
00:06:54 Violet Lange
Yeah, so the finding the suppressed memories was
00:06:59 Violet Lange
not really that shocking.
00:07:01 Violet Lange
It was like, things finally make sense, right?
00:07:03 Violet Lange
But it was actually integrating those memories into my lived truth and then being able to speak about it.
00:07:10 Violet Lange
my suppressed memories came back when I was 30 and now I'm 45.
00:07:14 Violet Lange
And I would say I didn't start speaking about this publicly until maybe five years ago.
00:07:19 Violet Lange
Like it took me 10 years to like really feel this is my truth and no one can take that away from me and I don't have to like try to protect my family.
00:07:29 Jaci Rogash
Yeah.
00:07:30 Jaci Rogash
That in itself is such a huge part of the survivor journey.
00:07:35 Jaci Rogash
Being able to acknowledge and accept what's happened, but then make it part of our story as opposed to either separating or suppressing it or, you know, like trying to keep it separate.
00:07:56 Jaci Rogash
Because I know I was the same, I was raped when I was 15.
00:08:01 Jaci Rogash
And in a domestic relationship when I was 21, I had a stalker when I was 23.
00:08:05 Jaci Rogash
And there was so much, there's so many, and still now moments in time where I just, like, I don't remember that.
00:08:15 Jaci Rogash
I don't remember that.
00:08:17 Jaci Rogash
And when people come, they're like, I just don't remember that.
00:08:19 Jaci Rogash
There's something wrong with me.
00:08:20 Jaci Rogash
I'm like, there's not.
00:08:22 Jaci Rogash
You know, that is your body.
00:08:25 Jaci Rogash
trying to keep you safe.
00:08:26 Jaci Rogash
Like that is such a natural thing.
00:08:29 Jaci Rogash
And I feel like that's one piece that we don't hear enough about.
00:08:34 Jaci Rogash
We make ourselves wrong because we don't remember certain things.
00:08:39 Jaci Rogash
You said that you spoke to your parents about it and also it sounds like you got dismissed in a way of, you know, how did that feel for you?
00:08:52 Violet Lange
On one hand, it was really painful.
00:08:54 Violet Lange
On the other hand, it wasn't surprising.
00:08:59 Violet Lange
My lived experience and version of reality, it's not like that was centered in my family growing up.
00:09:08 Violet Lange
And I was only able to do that because I had done five years of somatic experiencing therapy.
00:09:13 Violet Lange
leading up to that, right?
00:09:15 Violet Lange
It wasn't just like, suppressed memory, I'm gonna go talk about it with my family.
00:09:18 Violet Lange
And again, everyone has their own personal perspective, but I think it's important to like hold our truth and our memories if and when we do have them like very preciously, because those memories are from a point in our life, a very much earlier or usually earlier stage of development, right?
00:09:37 Violet Lange
And so to just like bring that preciousness out into the world to be validated or corroborated by people
00:09:43 Violet Lange
who may or may not be safe or well-intentioned is kind of like betraying ourselves sometimes.
00:09:50 Violet Lange
That's just my own personal view.
00:09:51 Violet Lange
And so I had the awareness through the therapy and through the somatic journey that I had been on to know that my point wasn't necessarily for them to be like, oh my gosh, yes, this happened.
00:10:04 Violet Lange
And like, let's talk about it.
00:10:06 Violet Lange
But it was like,
00:10:07 Violet Lange
you have your version of reality of what happened and I have mine and I just cannot hold mine inside anymore.
00:10:13 Violet Lange
I have to let you know what happened.
00:10:16 Violet Lange
And I knew that me speaking my truth was more important for my own congruence and coherence and self-trust than about their response to it.
00:10:28 Violet Lange
But I do want to mention about the suppressed memory thing.
00:10:31 Violet Lange
I had my first memory that I remembered at 30, but I have had other memories along the way and
00:10:37 Violet Lange
I had one that just came up a few months ago.
00:10:39 Violet Lange
So it's like there's no end point of, oh, okay, now I'm healed and everything's out.
00:10:45 Violet Lange
I just see it all and feel it all.
00:10:46 Violet Lange
It's like my nervous system was finally ready 15 years later to have another piece of the puzzle come up.
00:10:54 Violet Lange
And it was a lot easier to work with this time because I had already worked with other ones.
00:10:58 Violet Lange
So I just want to validate what you said that our nervous systems are so wise.
00:11:02 Violet Lange
And if we don't remember, it's because we don't need to remember right now.
00:11:07 Jaci Rogash
Yeah, that's such great advice.
00:11:10 Jaci Rogash
Such great advice and it's true.
00:11:13 Jaci Rogash
And I think often you probably have this as well where clients come, they're like, I don't know why I didn't do this work earlier.
00:11:19 Jaci Rogash
And my response to that is always like, would you have been ready?
00:11:23 Jaci Rogash
Because I had that moment as well when I, you know, started my healing, yeah, like 15 years later.
00:11:31 Jaci Rogash
I was like, I should have done this so much earlier.
00:11:33 Jaci Rogash
And then I went, no, I shouldn't have because, I wouldn't have been able to do it to the depths that I was.
00:11:44 Jaci Rogash
I have a question, please, if you're not comfortable answering it, you don't need to.
00:11:49 Jaci Rogash
Do you have a relationship with your parents now?
00:11:53 Violet Lange
We don't have a relationship.
00:11:55 Violet Lange
You know, we had that conversation.
00:11:57 Violet Lange
And my ask was I was like, we may never be on the same page, but I would like to have someone hold space for us to do like three or five family therapy sessions.
00:12:05 Violet Lange
And they said no.
00:12:07 Violet Lange
So I was like, I just can't be in this ecosystem by myself.
00:12:13 Violet Lange
In a weird way, that was very painful.
00:12:16 Violet Lange
And there was a lot of grief of not having connection with them.
00:12:20 Violet Lange
I did stay in contact with my brother for a while, but that's been hit or miss.
00:12:25 Violet Lange
And it's developed this resiliency to find family of choice and community.
00:12:29 Violet Lange
And one of the main reasons I had that conversation with my parents was not only to be connected to my own truth, but also because my husband and I were getting pregnant and wanting to have a baby.
00:12:40 Violet Lange
And I was just like, I can't bring my children into the confusion that I lived.
00:12:46 Violet Lange
with what I experienced, but then the gaslighting and all the other things on top of it.
00:12:50 Violet Lange
So it was really in service of, it wasn't trying to destroy connection, although, we have very strong boundaries now.
00:12:58 Violet Lange
My parents reach out from time to time and I might email them back, but for the most part, like I'm just not really available if they're not available to be in a co-created space that can offer some sort of healing.
00:13:12 Violet Lange
And that just, yeah, it is what it is.
00:13:15 Violet Lange
And
00:13:17 Violet Lange
I have started to stop shaming myself for not having connection because again, there was such a big problem.
00:13:21 Violet Lange
I was like, just please, universe, tell me I can go back to being in connection with them.
00:13:26 Violet Lange
But I just knew that I couldn't.
00:13:28 Violet Lange
I couldn't protect my children and also have that.
00:13:32 Violet Lange
And I just couldn't have the congruence.
00:13:34 Violet Lange
But the last thing that I'll say is that I've done a lot of lineage healing with ancestry and family constellations and other things.
00:13:41 Violet Lange
So just because we don't have a connection on the 3D world, and it sounds a little woo-woo, like on a soul level,
00:13:46 Violet Lange
I'm like, I feel very grateful for them.
00:13:48 Violet Lange
They gave me life.
00:13:49 Violet Lange
Like I learned so much from them.
00:13:51 Violet Lange
And I do believe in some way that what I went through shaped who I am and what I do in the world and that there was good in it, even if I wouldn't have necessarily wanted to go through something like that.
00:14:01 Violet Lange
I think get victim shaming to be like, oh, you chose us as a soul.
00:14:05 Violet Lange
Like maybe some people believe that and make meaning of that.
00:14:07 Violet Lange
Maybe some people don't.
00:14:08 Violet Lange
I don't want to put that on anyone.
00:14:09 Violet Lange
But I have tried to make good of what happened and no one has to do that.
00:14:14 Violet Lange
That's not a responsibility on a victim.
00:14:16 Violet Lange
But
00:14:16 Violet Lange
a survivor.
00:14:18 Violet Lange
But I can have regard for my parents and I still feel connected to my lineage.
00:14:26 Jaci Rogash
That shows so much strength in so many ways, so strong in having that conversation.
00:14:33 Jaci Rogash
And I've had quite a number of clients who have had narcissistic parents who
00:14:39 Jaci Rogash
when they've had children have then had to make the decision of what do we want this to look like because I don't want my children to go through this.
00:14:48 Jaci Rogash
And for anyone listening, if you have had experience either with narcissistic parents or sexual abuse from family members, please know that whatever you choose to do in whatever relationship you have, it is your decision and you shouldn't be made to feel wrong for it.
00:15:08 Jaci Rogash
you know, we all, yeah, we all navigate this life differently.
00:15:11 Jaci Rogash
And I know that, you know, everything that you've shared, so many people will find relief and comfort in that because there can be this strong feeling of guilt when we cut relationships with parents, 'cause it's like, you know, the world tells us we should, we should, you know, they're your parents, you have to be close to them, you should love them, you know, you should do all of this.
00:15:32 Jaci Rogash
And yeah, I think it is so, it needs to be,
00:15:38 Jaci Rogash
what serves and supports you the most?
00:15:41 Violet Lange
And I just want to add that, I think a lot, are my children not want to have contact with me because, I've done this to my parents and, there's all the two sides of parental estrangement and all of that.
00:15:58 Violet Lange
But one of my spiritual teachers, before I even had this conversation with my
00:16:03 Violet Lange
parents said, there's this myth that children owe their parents, right?
00:16:07 Violet Lange
Like we took care of you and you owe us.
00:16:10 Violet Lange
He's like, I don't believe your children owe you anything.
00:16:15 Violet Lange
You chose to bring them into the world.
00:16:16 Violet Lange
Yes, it's a financial burden and emotional burden, like all of those things.
00:16:20 Violet Lange
They are part of your teachers and part of your spiritual path and they don't owe you anything.
00:16:24 Violet Lange
And so I try to keep that in the back of my mind is like with my children, you know, if Ruby decides at 18, she wants to go no contact, like I have to be okay with that.
00:16:33 Violet Lange
And I can't do things for her, like take her on trips or buy her clothes or do the thing with the hope of like, oh, well then she's gonna take care of me when I'm older or she's gonna, you know, whatever.
00:16:43 Violet Lange
So it's kind of a tough pill to swallow, but it helps me be more present.
00:16:48 Violet Lange
It's very humbling to realize that she has total choice about what sort of relationship she wants to create with me when she's older.
00:16:56 Jaci Rogash
That's so powerful.
00:16:58 Jaci Rogash
So powerful.
00:16:59 Jaci Rogash
And yeah, we don't owe anyone.
00:17:02 Jaci Rogash
anything.
00:17:05 Jaci Rogash
And I think I've got two little boys and I think the same it's like, the relationship I build with them is going to be the relationship that I have with them when they're older.
00:17:17 Jaci Rogash
it's on me to hold that space and create that environment and build that relationship.
00:17:23 Jaci Rogash
It's not on them to do any of that.
00:17:27 Violet Lange
Yes.
00:17:28 Jaci Rogash
Thank you again so much for sharing.
00:17:31 Jaci Rogash
all of that.
00:17:31 Jaci Rogash
I know we could do like a three hour episode just on you.
00:17:35 Jaci Rogash
I also want to change gears a little bit because I know so many of my, so all of my community relationships is a really challenging thing when you've lived through trauma.
00:17:51 Jaci Rogash
You know, we have this
00:17:54 Jaci Rogash
I felt when you were talking earlier and you're like, I had all of these things going on, but I had good grades and I had, I think that hyper independence, that was me.
00:18:03 Jaci Rogash
Rely on no one.
00:18:04 Jaci Rogash
I'm A runner.
00:18:05 Jaci Rogash
I'm still a runner.
00:18:05 Jaci Rogash
I'm trying not to be a runner, but you know, that hyper independence, I can do it.
00:18:09 Jaci Rogash
I can, you know, the overachiever, the perfectionism.
00:18:11 Jaci Rogash
I don't think I'm A perfectionist anymore.
00:18:14 Jaci Rogash
I think kids have really like whacked that out.
00:18:16 Jaci Rogash
It's like, wow, it's just a whole new lesson that you're going to learn about yourself when you, just when you think you've got yourself
00:18:24 Jaci Rogash
figured out they have some children.
00:18:28 Jaci Rogash
And relationships can be like the attachment types, how we view relationships, all of that.
00:18:35 Jaci Rogash
I would love to know so much.
00:18:40 Jaci Rogash
But firstly, what do you love most about the work that you do?
00:18:48 Violet Lange
My greatest joy is seeing people feel deeply lovable and connected to themselves.
00:18:54 Violet Lange
And yes, finding a partner is like such an added bonus and having kids if that's what they want is an added bonus.
00:19:02 Violet Lange
But when someone says, yeah, I went on a date, I felt totally connected to my body the whole time.
00:19:08 Violet Lange
I wasn't really focused on what the other person thinks of me.
00:19:11 Violet Lange
I was just focused on what I'm noticing.
00:19:13 Violet Lange
And, you know,
00:19:16 Violet Lange
It was less of a transaction and a report card and more of an experience that I created with this person.
00:19:23 Violet Lange
And I created the feelings that I'm having about this and about them.
00:19:26 Violet Lange
And it's like taking the ownership back because we've been sold this myth that love is a lottery.
00:19:31 Violet Lange
Like, oh, well, if you're lucky, Prince Charming just shows up.
00:19:34 Violet Lange
Just wait.
00:19:35 Violet Lange
You know, what comes when you stop looking?
00:19:37 Violet Lange
Like there's just so many disempowering myths.
00:19:41 Violet Lange
And so I love when I feel someone take the power back.
00:19:46 Violet Lange
back and source their own joy.
00:19:48 Violet Lange
And then I also love when someone meets a soulmate and starts a family and all of those things.
00:19:54 Violet Lange
But it's the inner work, right?
00:19:58 Violet Lange
That really makes me proud and excited for someone.
00:20:02 Jaci Rogash
I just had, because no one will say this, the stupidest grin on my face as you were speaking to that, because it just like, how beautiful is that?
00:20:11 Jaci Rogash
Someone would be like, I was just so in my body.
00:20:15 Jaci Rogash
And what do you find the biggest challenges are for your clients when it comes to dating and love and relationships?
00:20:26 Violet Lange
Yeah, I would say there's two main patterns that I see.
00:20:29 Violet Lange
One of which is someone who is very well intentioned, but doesn't realize they're dating from their head.
00:20:35 Violet Lange
They're like, okay, I'm on every app.
00:20:36 Violet Lange
I like doing the pose and my profile.
00:20:38 Violet Lange
And you know, like I learned the five things to text someone back.
00:20:42 Violet Lange
And like they've got great strategy and they're putting in the reps, you know, but they're not being authentic to themselves.
00:20:51 Violet Lange
And so it's all backfiring.
00:20:53 Violet Lange
It's like a certain type of heartbreak when a woman comes to me and says,
00:20:59 Violet Lange
I keep meeting people that we date for three weeks to three months and then always fizzles out.
00:21:04 Violet Lange
It's like being on the dating spend cycle, being on that like hamster wheel.
00:21:08 Violet Lange
And then the more that you try, like the more distant you become from your own true expression and needs.
00:21:13 Violet Lange
And the more you kind of jump into the other person's experience and, you know, that just kind of snowballs.
00:21:18 Violet Lange
And then the other pattern that I see is where people feel that there's some sort of reason they're not worthy of love.
00:21:26 Violet Lange
Oh, it's my body type.
00:21:28 Violet Lange
it's because I haven't gone on a date in eight years.
00:21:30 Violet Lange
Like no joke, I've worked with women who haven't gone on a date in eight years and then meet their partner in three months.
00:21:34 Violet Lange
Like our past does not have to define our future, but we learn, right, that like, oh, I'm only lovable if XYZ external thing.
00:21:44 Violet Lange
And especially if you grow up with complex trauma or acute trauma, it's like, oh my gosh, I have to be perfect in order for life to not be cruel to me.
00:21:55 Violet Lange
And so either people are putting in too much energy and losing themselves or they're telling themselves that it's not gonna happen for some sort of reason.
00:22:04 Jaci Rogash
Yeah.
00:22:08 Jaci Rogash
I was laughing when you were like, date for three weeks or three months.
00:22:11 Jaci Rogash
I'm like, yeah, I used to, maybe I had a running joke with my friends that I had a three month expiry date.
00:22:15 Jaci Rogash
I'm like, all in, all in.
00:22:18 Jaci Rogash
And as soon as there was the first sign of like, this isn't gonna be, I'm like, I'm out.
00:22:24 Violet Lange
Yes.
00:22:25 Jaci Rogash
And also I'm not like, I look back and I'm not sad about that in the sense of I didn't, I never stayed in a relationship just because I needed, like I didn't need someone to be there for me.
00:22:37 Jaci Rogash
I didn't need someone to hold that for me.
00:22:39 Jaci Rogash
And I know that can be a challenge that some people do have where they're in relationships that they know whether subconsciously or consciously isn't right for them, but they stay because of that fear of what happens if I leave.
00:22:56 Violet Lange
And that's kind of the third bucket that I didn't mention.
00:22:59 Violet Lange
I don't work with quite as many people like that, but it does happen where people realize it's not healthy, but they need support, like breaking that pattern and moving on.
00:23:09 Jaci Rogash
Yeah.
00:23:11 Jaci Rogash
And again, I guess it comes back to that confidence piece of how embodied are you and how much do you love yourself and how much do you trust yourself to build that?
00:23:20 Jaci Rogash
And how do you
00:23:23 Jaci Rogash
And I know this is such a broad question and probably a really hard question to answer.
00:23:29 Jaci Rogash
Work with your clients through that, like navigating those, the conditioning and the stories and the belief to then be open to receiving.
00:23:44 Violet Lange
Yeah, we do foundational work looking at where did this pattern come from, right?
00:23:49 Violet Lange
Because whoever we're attracting or the type of relationships or situations we're attracting, usually there's some sort of emotional imprint from our childhood.
00:24:00 Violet Lange
So for me, it was like the high high of meeting someone new and like the elation of that and then the low low of it not working out and that felt very much like my childhood of high highs and low lows and also the
00:24:13 Violet Lange
high, high of this person that looks perfect on paper.
00:24:15 Violet Lange
It's like, oh, I'm doing a good job, like this could be the right partner.
00:24:21 Violet Lange
And so we look at the emotional imprinting.
00:24:23 Violet Lange
We look at what I call your dating catnip.
00:24:26 Violet Lange
So if you're like, oh, I'm just so attracted to X, Y, Z.
00:24:30 Violet Lange
And then you look at what are you really longing for?
00:24:32 Violet Lange
And usually your dating catnip can't give you what you're longing for.
00:24:35 Violet Lange
So we are rewiring our attraction patterns.
00:24:39 Violet Lange
to find what is good for us attractive, but without settling.
00:24:42 Violet Lange
You don't have to just like be with someone boring but safe that you have no interest in.
00:24:47 Violet Lange
You get to have your needs met.
00:24:48 Violet Lange
And then other things that we do are work with archetypes as like a fun way to play with.
00:24:54 Violet Lange
For me, if I was always, I tended to be really attracted to people who are creatives.
00:24:59 Violet Lange
but kind of like moody and distant and aloof and avoidant and so lost in their mystery and their process.
00:25:04 Violet Lange
And I realized, I need to be more in touch with my own creativity.
00:25:08 Violet Lange
And as soon as I started doing that, I found those people way less attractive, right?
00:25:11 Violet Lange
So it's like I became the playful goddess of creativity or whatever the archetype was.
00:25:17 Violet Lange
And then a lot of it is just felt sense.
00:25:19 Violet Lange
You know, how do you feel when you're actually with this other person?
00:25:22 Violet Lange
And what signals is your body giving you that you think is love?
00:25:27 Violet Lange
but that is just what you were trained as love from when you were growing up.
00:25:32 Jaci Rogash
That's such a huge piece.
00:25:35 Jaci Rogash
What you think is love and what is trained as love and what actually is love.
00:25:45 Jaci Rogash
I'm like, I want to be a fly in the wall.
00:25:47 Jaci Rogash
I want to be a fly in the wall with your clients.
00:25:51 Jaci Rogash
And the long, all of that, all of that is just even, you know, without anything else, such powerful work for people to step into.
00:25:59 Jaci Rogash
You know, and it's always interesting.
00:26:03 Jaci Rogash
I find when people are dating, it's almost dating to,
00:26:09 Jaci Rogash
dating as a way of, or believing that they need that partner to then feel whole within themselves or having that will then fix, not that anyone needs to be fixed, but fixed in air quotes, them.
00:26:23 Jaci Rogash
Or, if I just have this partner, then everything will just make sense.
00:26:30 Jaci Rogash
And, I've certainly absolutely gone through stages and it's been very long time since I've dated.
00:26:37 Jaci Rogash
But, on the apps, just for that dopamine hit, sitting at home, I just want, my biggest, one of my biggest things was needing that external validation because I didn't, no, I didn't love myself.
00:26:50 Jaci Rogash
I knew that I was good at whatever I put my mind to, but there was no, there was no connection there.
00:26:56 Jaci Rogash
It's very disconnected, detached.
00:27:00 Jaci Rogash
But I would go on the apps if I was at home.
00:27:02 Jaci Rogash
So like, I just want someone to talk to me, someone to tell me that, you know, I'm attractive or that I'm this.
00:27:06 Jaci Rogash
And
00:27:07 Jaci Rogash
but then you also risk the inappropriate messages and it's like, oh, that's too much.
00:27:14 Jaci Rogash
But it was that, just that craving connection through significance as opposed to genuine connection.
00:27:22 Violet Lange
I love that you mentioned that because significance is something that we give ourselves through the meaning making and the purpose that we bring into our relationships, the intentionality.
00:27:32 Violet Lange
And I love what you said about
00:27:34 Violet Lange
sometimes we are looking for someone to fix or to complete us, but that's assuming kind of like a zero-sum game.
00:27:39 Violet Lange
Okay, I'm completing them and they're completing me.
00:27:42 Violet Lange
But what if we're finding someone we can create something with, right?
00:27:45 Violet Lange
Like whether that's a family or a business or whatever your values, whatever your vision is, it's like looking at the relationship as a vehicle for growth together and growing out into the world versus like bonding on your pain and bonding on
00:28:01 Violet Lange
what didn't work, and dating from your inner child and laughing because there's so many times that, I was dating from my inner child.
00:28:08 Violet Lange
It happens.
00:28:08 Violet Lange
It's okay.
00:28:09 Violet Lange
We can be compassionate with ourselves.
00:28:13 Jaci Rogash
Oh, if I was to give you a rundown on my dating history, it's like, oh, I've dated a lot of *********.
00:28:21 Violet Lange
I also just want to say one other thing on the nervous system level is, yeah, we're chasing dopamine on the apps and on social media and all those things.
00:28:29 Violet Lange
But what a lot of us are craving is oxytocin, which comes through like touch, eye contact and all the polyvagal stuff is not going to come through this like 2D flat surface on the screen.
00:28:39 Violet Lange
And of course we need dopamine sometimes, like whatever, but like rewiring ourselves for what is true connection.
00:28:49 Jaci Rogash
That's the piece there, isn't it?
00:28:50 Jaci Rogash
It's true connection.
00:28:53 Jaci Rogash
I'd love to know for you, said you went through a divorce and now married again, I believe.
00:28:59 Jaci Rogash
How was that journey for you?
00:29:05 Violet Lange
Yeah, when I got divorced, I was naive.
00:29:08 Violet Lange
I was like, I'm gonna like meet a partner in a few months.
00:29:12 Violet Lange
And because I got divorced not thinking, oh, I don't want to be in a relationship or I don't want to have kids.
00:29:16 Violet Lange
It was more like, this is not the right partner for me.
00:29:19 Violet Lange
So it's still looking a little more external.
00:29:22 Violet Lange
Like, okay, I got married.
00:29:23 Violet Lange
He wasn't the right partner.
00:29:24 Violet Lange
I just need to find someone different.
00:29:27 Violet Lange
I wasn't yet realizing, oh, I need to become someone different.
00:29:30 Violet Lange
I need to become the match for the love of my life, not just be searching for the love of my life.
00:29:37 Violet Lange
So there was like this inner alchemical process that had to happen that, took me like 8 years, takes my clients a few months or six months or however, because I've condensed everything that I've gone through.
00:29:47 Violet Lange
And of course, everyone has their own timeline and stuff.
00:29:49 Violet Lange
But yeah, I was really naive post divorce.
00:29:54 Violet Lange
I immediately got into another relationship.
00:29:56 Violet Lange
It was a person who was very different than my ex-husband and also not healthy for me, not the right fit for me.
00:30:02 Violet Lange
And then I was dating for a while and I just, I had some unhealthy patterns that I wasn't even aware of.
00:30:09 Violet Lange
And then through.
00:30:11 Violet Lange
healing and changing those patterns, getting more embodied, working with Yoni eggs and other like tools for healing sexual trauma was really helpful for me.
00:30:21 Violet Lange
I offer those practices to my clients.
00:30:22 Violet Lange
Not everyone chooses to, but it is a really cool, tool.
00:30:27 Violet Lange
And I was kind of a healing junkie.
00:30:29 Violet Lange
So I was just trying all these different things.
00:30:31 Violet Lange
And then I got to see for myself what worked, what didn't, certain things that are better for like the nervous system regulations, certain things that are better for visibility and expression and your online dating profile and all these things.
00:30:45 Violet Lange
And I ended up meeting my husband in a really cool way, which we can get into.
00:30:50 Violet Lange
But I had plenty of experience on the apps and asking for setups and other things.
00:30:55 Violet Lange
So it was really like a training ground for me that gave me a lot of experience for the work that I do.
00:31:02 Jaci Rogash
And I often find that the best coaches are, not the best coaches, but the best coaches and leaders in the world have experienced trauma and we've walked through that and we've been through that and like gives you that capacity.
00:31:17 Jaci Rogash
It makes you more trauma informed because you can hold that space.
00:31:22 Jaci Rogash
You've been there, you've done it.
00:31:23 Jaci Rogash
And while everyone's experience is different, it gives you greater capacity.
00:31:29 Jaci Rogash
And I think about my lived experience as well.
00:31:33 Jaci Rogash
And I'm like, I'm not grateful that it happened.
00:31:36 Jaci Rogash
Like I don't wish it on anyone, but I am grateful that it happened because it made me who I am.
00:31:42 Jaci Rogash
It's given me this connection to the work that I do.
00:31:46 Jaci Rogash
means that I can hold space in the way that I do.
00:31:48 Jaci Rogash
And that, I'll forever be grateful for that.
00:31:53 Jaci Rogash
I do want to know how you met your husband.
00:31:57 Jaci Rogash
Before I ask you that, you touched on something that is so important, I believe.
00:32:03 Jaci Rogash
And that is, I'm going to talk specifically women, but it's not always just women, but our relationship with sex, pleasure, desire, and claiming that as
00:32:17 Jaci Rogash
a right without attaching shame or guilt or any other emotion to it.
00:32:24 Violet Lange
That piece of the work is so huge because I, for a long time, was just living from my heart up.
00:32:31 Violet Lange
I was just like, oh, like, they're nice or I feel good with them or, whatever that was.
00:32:37 Violet Lange
And I was, for good reason, disconnected to my sexuality because it was a source of a lot of pain and trauma.
00:32:43 Violet Lange
And
00:32:45 Violet Lange
What I have found, kind of over generalization, but from the data points of the hundreds of people I've worked with, is that when someone is disconnected from their sexuality, they oftentimes either attract someone who's also disconnected and then there's just, that's why I was in a sexless marriage, right?
00:32:59 Violet Lange
Like we were both just totally shut down.
00:33:01 Violet Lange
Or ironically, they attract someone who is over indexed in their sexuality and really wanting a lot of sex.
00:33:08 Violet Lange
And the person at first is like, oh, this is good, this is fine, but then it becomes too much.
00:33:13 Violet Lange
And then sometimes the partner who's hypersexual is regulating their nervous system through the other person.
00:33:18 Violet Lange
And it's less about the connection and it's more about the arousal and then release.
00:33:24 Violet Lange
And so when I work with people to embody their sexuality and their desires and like you said, claim that and own that and get used to talking about sex, right?
00:33:32 Violet Lange
It doesn't have to be on the first date.
00:33:33 Violet Lange
But like if you're building a relationship, you should be talking about sex.
00:33:36 Violet Lange
Like that's part of a relationship.
00:33:39 Violet Lange
But oftentimes we don't feel comfortable talking about it if we haven't done the work to like know our yes and know our nos and know our pleasure and our body.
00:33:48 Violet Lange
And I do think that when we follow our pleasure, we find our power, that there's something about rewiring our nervous system all the way down to our second chakra and our womb and our cervix and our ******** and like all of these places, because it's so much easier than to stay in our center.
00:34:07 Jaci Rogash
Yep.
00:34:09 Jaci Rogash
Yeah.
00:34:09 Jaci Rogash
And it's huge.
00:34:11 Jaci Rogash
And we can, again, we could do a three hour conversation on this as well.
00:34:16 Jaci Rogash
the conditioning around that as well, around it, women typically just being there to serve or not being allowed to claim and then the stereotypes and the stigmas that come with people that do openly discuss their sexuality and like claiming their sexuality.
00:34:36 Jaci Rogash
I know for me, I was, how old was I?
00:34:39 Jaci Rogash
20, I reckon, before my first orgasm.
00:34:44 Jaci Rogash
And I just assumed sex was sex.
00:34:48 Jaci Rogash
Like, sure, the start was great, but I actually was convinced there was something wrong with me because I couldn't.
00:34:56 Jaci Rogash
And so most of the time I just faked it.
00:34:59 Jaci Rogash
And then, yeah, one of my beautiful ex-boyfriends who we are still friends with was like, no, like, this isn't about me.
00:35:08 Jaci Rogash
And I was like, what?
00:35:09 Jaci Rogash
And it's,
00:35:10 Jaci Rogash
That in itself was so uncomfortable for me.
00:35:12 Jaci Rogash
I'm like, oh no, like let's just, And even that it's been, a work in progress as well, because it is, it can be an uncomfortable thing to have a conversation about.
00:35:25 Jaci Rogash
And like, we deserve it.
00:35:29 Jaci Rogash
Like everybody deserves to have that experience and to feel good and be connected to themselves.
00:35:36 Jaci Rogash
And it's why I see a lot
00:35:38 Jaci Rogash
especially in when I hold breath work, you see a lot of people really disconnected around, the hips, pelvis, uterus, that area, because it's one that stores trauma, but two, it's like, oh no, we've just like, we're just segmented that piece.
00:35:54 Jaci Rogash
So I can see energetically a lot of people cut off at the hips.
00:35:58 Jaci Rogash
So from the hips down, it can be quite, you know, stagnant or like there's nothing there and getting, building that connection can be a challenge as well.
00:36:09 Violet Lange
Absolutely.
00:36:10 Violet Lange
I mean, I think that to your point, there's so much shame and then we internalize that shame.
00:36:18 Violet Lange
And especially for women, it's like, you should be sexy, but not too sexy.
00:36:21 Violet Lange
You know, you should be pious, but also attractive.
00:36:25 Violet Lange
You know, like there's just all of this pressure that gets put on women.
00:36:29 Violet Lange
And
00:36:30 Violet Lange
What I've seen is that when we connect to our authentic sexuality, there's a sense of playfulness, not just pleasure, but playfulness and innocence, and that it's like our birthright and a sense of creativity.
00:36:41 Violet Lange
I mean, sex can happen with another person and it can be about genitals, but it can also just be about, to your point about breath work, like prana and life force and like TRE type practices, letting our body like move and shake and just release energy.
00:36:57 Violet Lange
There's
00:36:58 Violet Lange
Yeah, the human body is just so amazing.
00:37:00 Jaci Rogash
So amazing.
00:37:02 Jaci Rogash
So amazing.
00:37:03 Jaci Rogash
I love the energetics and the somatic work for that reason.
00:37:08 Jaci Rogash
It's like people have these experiences and they come out and go, like they're just mind blown because they have no idea, you know, that any of that is possible.
00:37:20 Jaci Rogash
So we're going to change these again.
00:37:21 Jaci Rogash
I know we're doing this a lot, but tell me, tell us, I want to know.
00:37:26 Jaci Rogash
I'm sure everybody else wants to know.
00:37:27 Jaci Rogash
Tell me about the story about how you met your husband.
00:37:30 Violet Lange
Yes, we have a crazy cosmic love story and I'm hoping that it gives people hope.
00:37:35 Violet Lange
A lot of my clients, it's given them hope because we think like, oh, I'm going to meet my partner at this party or like I'm going to this thing to find my partner.
00:37:43 Violet Lange
I'm on this app to find my partner.
00:37:45 Violet Lange
But the universe wants to bring us love.
00:37:47 Violet Lange
Like it doesn't really matter through what channel.
00:37:49 Violet Lange
as long as we are open and we're doing that inner work and we're getting past the checklist into like, how do I really want to feel in relationship?
00:37:56 Violet Lange
How do I want to feel in my body?
00:37:58 Violet Lange
So that is a preface.
00:38:00 Violet Lange
But I was casually dating someone and I didn't think it was probably the right fit.
00:38:04 Violet Lange
Again, he was perfect on paper, but a little sarcastic.
00:38:07 Violet Lange
And so my heart was kind of like, just like getting a little crunchy at times.
00:38:13 Violet Lange
And I was, praying and meditating and trying to figure out, using all my little spiritual tools, big spiritual tools, what I should do.
00:38:23 Violet Lange
And I knew that probably it wasn't the right fit.
00:38:27 Violet Lange
But what sealed the deal is that I had a dream one night where this guy comes up to me in my dream and he puts a hand on my heart, says, Joe, the guy's dating his time, Joe's a 10 and you're a 100.
00:38:36 Violet Lange
What are you doing with this guy?
00:38:37 Violet Lange
And so I woke up laughing and I was like, okay, thanks universe.
00:38:40 Violet Lange
Got it.
00:38:42 Violet Lange
I had my own codependent pattern still a little bit I was working through, so I didn't like immediately call Joe the next morning and be like, it's over.
00:38:48 Violet Lange
But I knew it was on its way over.
00:38:51 Violet Lange
And 3 weeks later, I was at an event on Lucid Dreaming, a meetup event.
00:38:56 Violet Lange
And at the end of the event, this guy starts walking towards me and I say to the woman next to me, I'm like, holy **** I had a dream about that guy.
00:39:03 Violet Lange
She's like, what?
00:39:04 Violet Lange
Now, it was an event about lucid dreaming.
00:39:06 Violet Lange
So it wasn't just some random stranger who would have probably thought I was bad **** crazy.
00:39:10 Violet Lange
She was like, wow, okay, so he comes up to me.
00:39:11 Violet Lange
I'm just feeling all these like spiritual sparks.
00:39:14 Violet Lange
I mean, of course I was physically attracted to him too, but I talk with my clients a lot that attraction moves through so many pathways.
00:39:19 Violet Lange
It doesn't just have to be like, oh, I want to rip their clothes off.
00:39:22 Violet Lange
It could be, oh, I love their mind.
00:39:23 Violet Lange
Like, I have such great intellectual stimulation.
00:39:26 Violet Lange
wow, I feel their heart.
00:39:27 Violet Lange
They would be a great father or whatever it is.
00:39:29 Violet Lange
I was just feeling all of this kind of chemistry spiritually and intellectually.
00:39:33 Violet Lange
And I felt emotionally safe, which was like a huge thing that I was looking for in partnership.
00:39:39 Violet Lange
And come to find out that not only did he just, he looked almost exactly like the guy who came up to me in my dream, except that in my dream, he was wearing glasses.
00:39:48 Violet Lange
And in real life, he wasn't wearing glasses.
00:39:50 Violet Lange
come to find out, because after we started dating, we put the pieces together that the night I had the dream about him and they came to me in my dream was the night that he had an ayahuasca ceremony where he was asking grandmother, he's like, I'm so sick of meeting shallow women in Los Angeles where we used to live.
00:40:06 Violet Lange
I really want someone with depth.
00:40:08 Violet Lange
I want to be met.
00:40:09 Violet Lange
Like I want to be met by the feminine.
00:40:11 Violet Lange
And that's the same night that he came to me in my dream.
00:40:13 Violet Lange
It's like this cosmic love story.
00:40:15 Violet Lange
And then we had a lot of bumps along the way in the first, you know, six months or so.
00:40:19 Violet Lange
But
00:40:19 Violet Lange
But yeah, it was like this crazy love story of I met him in a dream and then in real life three weeks later.
00:40:25 Jaci Rogash
I love that so much.
00:40:28 Jaci Rogash
Oh, like my woo heart is just like, I, it's just everything to me.
00:40:34 Jaci Rogash
That is everything to me.
00:40:35 Jaci Rogash
And it's so wild and I know my community will just adore that, adore that.
00:40:42 Jaci Rogash
I'm sure there'll be some people who be like, whatever, but they can just whatever along and you know,
00:40:49 Jaci Rogash
It's so incredible.
00:40:50 Jaci Rogash
It's so incredible.
00:40:52 Jaci Rogash
And what a beautiful healing experience for you.
00:40:58 Jaci Rogash
We can go to events, we can have dreams, we can, you know, and exactly what we've asked for just happens.
00:41:10 Violet Lange
And it wasn't all rainbows and fairy tales, right?
00:41:13 Violet Lange
Like it's
00:41:15 Violet Lange
Our relationship is strong because we've gone through rupture and repair.
00:41:17 Violet Lange
It's not just about the meet cute.
00:41:19 Violet Lange
It's like all the little steps along the way.
00:41:21 Violet Lange
You know, I just want to really highlight that for listeners that we do the inner work, we attract our partner, and then we create something together by how we show up with each other.
00:41:30 Jaci Rogash
Yeah.
00:41:31 Jaci Rogash
And just to go even more woo woo, it's been, it's a horrible day here in Melbourne and it's been raining, raining, raining.
00:41:37 Jaci Rogash
And as you told that story, as you're like, I was at the event and I saw him, it just stopped raining.
00:41:44 Jaci Rogash
I'm like, yes.
00:41:45 Jaci Rogash
I was just being like, it's like, it's so wild, it's so amazing.
00:41:51 Jaci Rogash
And I think that rupture and repair piece, again, that's a really important part to relationships.
00:42:00 Jaci Rogash
So I shared with Fermat mine, it was very much the, had a long relationship when I was sort of 18 to 21 and we broke up, we were just at different seasons.
00:42:10 Jaci Rogash
He was ready to settle down and have kids when I was 21.
00:42:14 Jaci Rogash
And then I had the abusive relationship.
00:42:17 Jaci Rogash
And so from that moment on was my journey of three month relationships for quite a while.
00:42:23 Jaci Rogash
And then my ex-partner, we were together for 6 1/2 years.
00:42:26 Jaci Rogash
And one of my claims to fame with that relationship was that we never had a fight.
00:42:32 Jaci Rogash
It's like, oh, we never have a fight, we just get along.
00:42:34 Jaci Rogash
But what that actually was that he was, and ultimately the reason that we broke up was I did all of my healing while we were together.
00:42:42 Jaci Rogash
And I got to the point, I'm like, I want more than this.
00:42:45 Jaci Rogash
Like I need more than this.
00:42:46 Jaci Rogash
Like I need you to communicate with me.
00:42:48 Jaci Rogash
I need you to speak to me, you know?
00:42:51 Jaci Rogash
And so the, we didn't fight was that we kind of just both shut down in some parts.
00:43:01 Jaci Rogash
And then, you know, we broke up and I learned more about him in the six weeks after we broke up.
00:43:05 Jaci Rogash
And it was like, this is like, why did it, why did it take this?
00:43:11 Jaci Rogash
But by the time we've done that, as is often the case for women, when we end a relationship, we've already grieved that relationship before it's over.
00:43:18 Jaci Rogash
You know, men can sometimes be a bit more reactive.
00:43:22 Jaci Rogash
And so you can possibly repair it after the breakup.
00:43:26 Jaci Rogash
But for us, it was like, it's like done, like my heart's, we're not here, like I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore.
00:43:33 Jaci Rogash
And my husband,
00:43:37 Jaci Rogash
We had known each other for a really long time.
00:43:39 Jaci Rogash
We'd been friends for a long time and it happened very quickly.
00:43:43 Jaci Rogash
Just kind of, we caught up one day and everything just changed.
00:43:45 Jaci Rogash
We were like, oh, like, you know.
00:43:48 Violet Lange
That's amazing.
00:43:49 Jaci Rogash
Yeah, it was like, you know, we'd been friends, we worked together, we'd catch up for lunch and whatever.
00:43:53 Jaci Rogash
And then we caught up one day and he walked me to my car, no different to any other day.
00:43:57 Jaci Rogash
He gave me a hug and then kind of lingered and I was like in my head, oh ****.
00:44:02 Jaci Rogash
What just happened?
00:44:05 Jaci Rogash
And I sent him a message after we left.
00:44:06 Jaci Rogash
I'm like, did we just kind of almost sort of nearly have a moment?
00:44:09 Jaci Rogash
And he was like, I hope so.
00:44:11 Jaci Rogash
And I was like, oh, which was great.
00:44:14 Jaci Rogash
But it wasn't, I think the complication came because I hadn't long left my previous relationship.
00:44:20 Jaci Rogash
And so there was a lot of guilt there for me of like, is it too soon?
00:44:24 Jaci Rogash
And then every, like it just happened so quickly because we knew everything about each other already.
00:44:30 Jaci Rogash
But one thing with him and can be both a good and a bad thing is that his reactivity based on his previous experiences can be quite a trigger for me.
00:44:42 Jaci Rogash
And so there is that rupture and repair and like me being able to and comfortable communicating that with him and explaining why certain things impacts me the way that he does and then him receiving it.
00:44:56 Jaci Rogash
And then also me understanding that
00:44:59 Jaci Rogash
and seeing how he works, he kind of escalates and then that comes back to center.
00:45:04 Jaci Rogash
And, again, once upon a time I would have run, whereas now it's like, I know that we're working through this together, but there is that rupture and repair.
00:45:12 Jaci Rogash
Like we have such a beautiful relationship.
00:45:15 Jaci Rogash
We're also in the thick of it with two little kids.
00:45:17 Jaci Rogash
So it's, you know, we talk about sex and pleasure and it's like, oh, what is that?
00:45:24 Jaci Rogash
Not really, but sometimes it's like, you get so touched out and mentally drained that, that's when, all the bells and whistles and the sparks per se are not there.
00:45:37 Jaci Rogash
Like, what is that relationship?
00:45:41 Jaci Rogash
And I like, I probably used to be, when I say like, I'm a dream, like I love love, but I probably had that false pretense of, once you're in a relationship, everything's just,
00:45:52 Jaci Rogash
everything's just perfect, but relationships take work, Yes.
00:45:59 Jaci Rogash
Like I remember talking to when I finally found a psychologist that could support me and hold me in the way that I needed.
00:46:05 Jaci Rogash
We were talking about relationships and she's like, they take work.
00:46:09 Jaci Rogash
They're not just, you know, you show up and everything's amazing.
00:46:16 Jaci Rogash
It's like, yeah.
00:46:17 Jaci Rogash
And I think again, sometimes we get sold that myth and
00:46:20 Jaci Rogash
We look at certain people online and it's like, this is what it should be like all the time.
00:46:25 Jaci Rogash
And we just never know what's going on behind closed doors.
00:46:30 Violet Lange
Yes.
00:46:30 Violet Lange
And every time my husband and I have gone through like a big rupture or awakening process, it's always led to more on the other side, like more goodness.
00:46:40 Violet Lange
But I think part of the myth that we're sold of like, it should just happen.
00:46:42 Violet Lange
It should just be perfect is a little bit, it's like demeaning, demeaning to women because it makes us think that we're children and that a partner will just like take care of all our needs the way a parent would.
00:46:54 Violet Lange
And then we're not growing up and growing in relationship and maturing.
00:46:59 Violet Lange
And we have so much power in that, right?
00:47:01 Violet Lange
Like the wolf, the female wolf is actually the one who decides which caribou and where to like sleep for the wolf pack in the night.
00:47:09 Violet Lange
And
00:47:10 Violet Lange
male wolf, who everyone says is like the alpha male, he executes what her vision is.
00:47:14 Violet Lange
She has the vision.
00:47:15 Violet Lange
She has the like firepower and the drive.
00:47:18 Violet Lange
And I always tell my clients that are in relationship, because I do work also with couples, like your desire, I mean both of you, but especially the women, your desire is the leading edge of the relationship.
00:47:28 Violet Lange
That is part of what like fuels the relationship.
00:47:31 Violet Lange
And it's so necessary.
00:47:33 Violet Lange
So it's just as simple, I mean, it's hard to execute, but it's simple of I feel I want, right?
00:47:39 Violet Lange
I feel this thing in my body and I want this thing.
00:47:42 Violet Lange
It's like that can pave the way for so much in the relationship.
00:47:47 Jaci Rogash
Yeah, absolutely.
00:47:49 Jaci Rogash
And so empowering.
00:47:51 Jaci Rogash
And also I think, you know, we're not talking about the section of men who are, you know, those men.
00:48:02 Jaci Rogash
who just think that they're above everybody.
00:48:05 Jaci Rogash
But the men that I know, they actually really love it when their partner is, tells them what they want.
00:48:15 Jaci Rogash
Yes.
00:48:16 Jaci Rogash
It's like, oh, excellent.
00:48:18 Jaci Rogash
Like, yes, like, let's do this.
00:48:21 Jaci Rogash
You know, and I should always say, so obviously same sex couples can have that, like have that dynamic as well.
00:48:28 Jaci Rogash
And again, I think that there is that myth of, oh, we can't, I can't want too much.
00:48:31 Jaci Rogash
They won't be happy if I want that.
00:48:34 Jaci Rogash
And well, every healthy relationship I've seen, it's like, men love that.
00:48:42 Jaci Rogash
I love that.
00:48:42 Jaci Rogash
Like you want to know what your partner wants.
00:48:44 Jaci Rogash
It's part of that connection and that growth.
00:48:48 Violet Lange
Yeah, it's not a guessing game.
00:48:50 Violet Lange
I mean, we all wish that our partner could read our mind, but you know, they can't.
00:48:55 Jaci Rogash
Sometimes it'll be nice.
00:48:57 Violet Lange
Yes.
00:48:59 Jaci Rogash
Thank you so much for this conversation.
00:49:03 Jaci Rogash
For anyone that I've dropped all of your socials and links to all of your socials in the show notes below.
00:49:08 Jaci Rogash
We'll be sharing this across my socials as well.
00:49:12 Jaci Rogash
But I have one final question, which I would love.
00:49:14 Jaci Rogash
I'm actually so curious.
00:49:16 Jaci Rogash
I have no idea how you're going to answer, like what direction you're going to go with this.
00:49:21 Jaci Rogash
But what does thriving after trauma mean to you?
00:49:26 Violet Lange
To me, it's about continuing to reclaim our wholeness and not exiling any parts of ourself.
00:49:31 Violet Lange
So being a yes to our anger, although not using it violently, but being a yes to our anger, a yes to our grief, a yes to our pleasure, a yes to our yearning and desire, a yes to our inner child, a yes to our crone.
00:49:45 Violet Lange
It's just like this kaleidoscope that we get to keep filling the pieces in and then keep turning it and being like, oh, that thing is coming up.
00:49:53 Violet Lange
That's so great.
00:49:55 Violet Lange
celebrating it when things come up.
00:49:57 Violet Lange
And of course, I'm biased because I'm a relationship coach, but I also think thriving after trauma means feeling harmony in our relationships.
00:50:04 Violet Lange
It doesn't mean that everyone's the exact same as us.
00:50:06 Violet Lange
It doesn't mean that we have the same level of closeness with everyone.
00:50:09 Violet Lange
But I think three or four years ago, I said to one of my friends, I was like, you know, I feel just harmony in all of my relationships, whether they're close friends or distant or even with my parents, like I feel harmonious with the arrangement that we have.
00:50:21 Violet Lange
And she's like, wow, really?
00:50:23 Violet Lange
And I didn't realize that was like a rare thing until I vocalized that to her.
00:50:27 Violet Lange
And that's something I'm just super passionate about is helping people like reharmonize their field so that they feel congruent with themselves and that they're able to really connect in beautiful ways without losing themselves in their relationships, romantic and other ways.
00:50:43 Jaci Rogash
I love all of that.
00:50:44 Jaci Rogash
Thank you so much.
00:50:45 Jaci Rogash
And thank you so much for being a guest on my podcast.
00:50:50 Violet Lange
Thank you for your beautiful questions and presents.
00:50:53 Jaci Rogash
Thank you so much for tuning in to Thriving After Trauma.
00:50:57 Jaci Rogash
If you like this episode, please like it, share it, subscribe to my channel because the more people that share, the more people that talk about this, the more people that subscribe, the more people we're able to support and help to navigate this crazy life of ours as we truly do learn how to thrive after trauma.