Today I am discussing the fear you might have that you develop a self-inflated ego when you truly think you're awesome.
In this episode I discuss how:
Show notes and the transcript can be found here: https://michellekevill.com/narcissist
Today I am discussing the fear you might have that you develop a self-inflated ego when you truly think you're awesome.
In this episode I discuss how:
Show notes and the transcript can be found here: https://michellekevill.com/narcissist
[00:00:00] Hello, everyone, I hope you are well, and if not, at least you are here, so I'm actually recording quite a few of these episodes in succession. Mainly because my birthday is coming up and I really want that weekend to just, you know, play video games or relax and enjoy. So I am putting some things together on this weekend to get it all sorted. And this episode? Oh my god, I've been wanting to plan it for ages, but a lot of things have been popping up. And really, it's about your fear of becoming a narcissist. Or basically what I like to say is you don't trust yourself enough to turn into a dikkat. So what do I mean by that? A lot of my clients have this fee that if they think good thoughts about themselves, they're going to turn into this pompous dickhead. And it has been rampant. Like I remember, I had a week, I probably two weeks, it's probably two weeks and people were just mentioning it. It's like, Oh, but like, what if I? I see myself as so good, and I just turned to a narcissist and I'm like, What? So I was like, Hang on a minute, I need to do an episode on this and we need to go into it. First of all, if you think that thought good news, I guarantee you you're not a narcissist because an actual, legitimate narcissist wouldn't have a fear about being a narcissist. Think about it. I think that's because narcissism in, you know, society or the media has typically focused on the fact that they have an inflated sense of self worth or self-importance.
[00:01:49] I should say not self-worth. Actually, it's self-importance. And for some reason, we equate that with if we're thinking that we're worthy and we're valuable and we're great. But that is the same thing. And I want to make it very, very clear that they are two completely different sources. Ok. So when a narcissist has an inflated sense of self-importance that is typically no, not even typically, that is coming from a place of scarcity and a place of fear because there's also an excessive need for admiration from other people. Whereas when you do your own inner work, you are just generating that for yourself. And that's not to say, by the way, that, Oh my god, I love myself, but I want my partner to say nice things about my dress or something like that. That means I'm a narcissist. No. Like, it's also like and again, I'm elaborating on this, but it's also it's it's like also a lack of empathy for other people. They can ignore the needs of others, and it is purely about them and what is going on for them now. Aspects of that can. Here's the thing, though what the media talks about when it comes to narcissism is, again, that self-importance and it's all about them, right? I would say that a two clear things. The problem is we started with solo work and we think, Oh, but yeah, it's all about me, it's all about me and my thoughts, and I'm developing all this self-worth and importance.
[00:03:29] Oh my God, I'm a narcissist, OK? If you, I want you. If you were sitting there worried about that, if this is your fear, I want you to actually look up the definition of a narcissist. And again, like, I just talked about it now. You're not a narcissist. It's coming from two different places. And I said that before, when we are working to generate our own, we're basically being our own cheerleader. If a narcissist is using others to consistently get admiration, ignoring others feelings, et cetera, what you're doing is really just you're just generating love for yourself from a place of abundance. It's from a place of I love myself just because I exist and because of that, like, I love others and I can empathize with others as well. Like, there's no need. Ok, here's the best way I think I can explain it. And I've talked about this before actually one of my Instagram Reels, I found out that when it comes to judgments from other people. So you get judged about something that is just their own internalized fear and thoughts that they are externalizing onto you. So when I used to work like back when you know, when I was at uni, I actually was working part time in corporate as well. And I remember being told I was too young. Like, what are you doing? You're too young.
[00:04:53] Oh, you're making me feel old. And that makes it used to make me feel really, really bad and really self-conscious. And then I started to realize over time it was like, wait a minute, these are just their own internalized fee and stuff like that. I have no idea what they're thinking, right? But it is. It's like the same when it comes to fat phobia in our society. There is research done around how we will like to mentally distance ourselves because society is saying, OK, you know, media, if you're fat, it's wrong. And we're like, No, eventually you want to like, shame that person, whatever. I'm not saying you're doing it, but when we see it in society, how people will shame others for being fat. It's like, I want a distance. I want to like, separate myself from it. Now, where am I going with this? It's the difference between external and internal when we need to externalize our judgments. And this isn't, by the way, to judge you if you like. I've done this, though. It's fine. We're human. There is a deep rooted fear, and sometimes as a society, we will like confine together around that. So that example with me, for example, like people are like, yeah, like she is really young, whatever, and you get that sense of camaraderie in that group formation. Meanwhile, I'll take that to heart and like, feel isolated, whatever, even if that wasn't their intent. They is. It's like an externalisation of that to almost even implicitly get that.
[00:06:24] What's the word I don't want say reaction, but that like group adherence, if that makes sense, but they have to externalize that. What I mean by that is they can't within themselves say, and I'm making this up, they might be thinking, Oh, how is she doing that at this age? Whereas I wasn't doing that at each stage and internally judging themselves. What we do without in a work, this is the difference. The difference is you are self-assured in yourself. You doesn't fucking matter that I'm fucking there and young. It's like, great. Whatever has nothing to do with me, it has nothing to do with me. Absolutely. What I mean by that is I'm still worthy and valuable and great and fantastic, regardless of this young person being, I don't know, younger and starting their career earlier. I'm making this up of what this person thought, but I'm giving this example. That's the difference. That is the key difference here. You are growing your own garden of self-worth and love. You do not need people to necessarily tell you that if that makes sense, and that's not also shame you, because some of you might be like, Oh, but like what? Whenever I've, you know, asked for, like recognition or, you know, maybe you want your partner to say something nice to you to just to hear it, that, you know, I shouldn't be doing that. No, it's not about that. The more self-assured you are in life, the more you're going to be able to fucking deal with like shit like this to deal with.
[00:07:59] I guess you could say narcissists like to deal with if Michelle, as me now knowing full at work back then had a person say that comment, I would not give two shits, especially with the knowledge I know now. I'd be like, Okay, like that person obviously has her own issues with young people. Cool. I'm just going to keep continuing to do my thing here because I know that I'm worthy and capable just like everyone else. That's the difference. You create your own self-love and worth you're not trying to get it from like and I'm saying from like a scarce place from other people. You were getting it within yourself and it's from that place that you can go out and do fucking amazing things. So where am I going with this? Well, what I'm trying to say here is a you're not going to become a narcissist when you learn to love yourself. I remember that society has kind of told us that, you know, and again, I don't especially, I don't know, with especially within Australia, because we have this thing called tall poppy syndrome, which is you don't want to be like ahead of the pack, if that makes sense. Like over the top. But that's different when you are going out, say so in America, they call it flexing, like, like showing off, you know, so they have those flexing videos and like YouTube or TikTok, where it's like they're showing their house and it's like, Oh my God, look at my men fancy car and stuff like that.
[00:09:22] That's not coming from a place of self-love or self-assurance. To me that look, we can talk about the semantics of flexing. It's probably for views and followers or whatever. But that's not. Self-love. That's not like I would say that that's narcissism you could say that's I need to show off my wealth and stuff like that. That's different from being proud of who you are, what you've done, et cetera. I know it sounds similar, but it's I can hear it in the tone of people's voices when it comes from a place of I need to show off my worth. Well, like, sorry, my my wealth, things that I have what I've done versus someone who's just genuinely proud of what they've done and they've loved and they love themselves. It doesn't have to be forced. It's not like they're selling it. And that's a difference. Another thing I've noticed is some of you don't trust yourself to be a dickhead. They fear this power of self-love. If I love myself too much, I'm going to be a dickhead to everyone. I'm a bit like a self inflated ego. I'm a be a fucking asshole. Oh my god, it's going to be terrible. And then people won't like me. And this is what I always go with people. I'm like, OK, let's say that happens. Let's say you're the biggest narcissist dickhead, whatever on the planet.
[00:10:45] Why is it a problem? It's like all but like people will be upset and I'm like, Okay, but let's go with this. That's a really go with this. If you're a true narcissist, if you are a true dickhead as in like, you know, you like, have this self inflated ego you wouldn't know. I'm like, Yeah, I'm like, Yeah, you wouldn't know. Think about it, so it wouldn't be affecting you. So what's the problem? What you're afraid of is this fear. Like, that's like this fear. This image like being, you know, the story about the king who wears no clothes or something, but everyone in town is like, Oh yeah, but everyone like, doesn't like him. Think about it. The king doesn't give a shit. He's just like, Fuck, yeah, like, I'm just walking around here with my imaginary like, he's thinking he's wearing clothes. He's like, I'm just walking around like. But in that moment, he is experiencing like happiness and bliss and thinking, everyone loves him. What you're afraid of is realizing that reality. If that makes sense, you're afraid that you will stop being the king and you'll be sitting on the outside looking in and being like, Oh my God, what an idiot I was. But here's the thing. You're already feeling that right now, you're already imagining that you're imagining that happening to yourself and you're thinking it's going to happen. You're experiencing it right now because say, that did happen. The worst thing you'll experience is you'll feel a feeling.
[00:12:11] But here's the thing you won't because based off your logic, you would be feeling amazing and great and self inflated. Like it wouldn't technically happen if that makes sense, but you just fear you'll someday realize or something. But we here's the thing as well you'll never know, and I'm getting a little Medicare. You'll never know because say you become super like, I'm going to go to waste, say, like, you know, you have a self inflated ego or whatever. You're your worst case scenario, right? There'll be people out there who will think, Well, that's great. And then some people will be like, Oh my God, they're a narcissist. Flip side, say you do like like you come from a like me right now. I fucking love myself. I think I'm worthy as fuck, and I love it, and it's great. And I know that I'm not a narcissist, and I know that there are people out there who will think I'm a fucking narcissist. And then there are people out there who think I'm loving and great. And then there are people out there who think me, welcome to life. You can't make everyone happy. Think about it. I don't doubt there are people out there who when I say this thing, I'm a bloody narcissist. Ok, cool. You can be like, you can think of that is what I'm saying. You can think that I'm a narcissist. It doesn't affect me. Like that's that's allowed. They're allowed to have their thoughts.
[00:13:33] Why? Because I'm fucking self-assured. I'm OK. It doesn't mean I don't, you know, get deflated or not confident sometimes. But trust me, it's really not. It's it's really nice to you. Even if you think it's a narcissist place, it's really nice being loving yourself, fully having this level of self-worth, just knowing that I'm as worthy as like anyone else on the planet and vice versa. And I actually feel it's created a lot more empathy for people. It's a lot more allowance for people to be who they are because they have their own thoughts and feelings as well, and they're human and they're going through things. So if anything, doing the work to have self-love and self-worth for yourself and believing these beautiful things about yourself, I honestly believe makes you a more empathetic person to other people's feelings. Because when you get to a place of, I almost call it, like a root garden because I talk about root. It's a lot it's like a garden where you were just like a piece, right, and you're like, yes, like you can say with certainty, like me, I'm lovable and worthy, just like anyone else out there. You're not dealing with all the shitty thoughts about, Oh my god, am I worth it? Am I not? Blah blah blah. You're not dealing with all that. That's all gone and you can. But and you can also accept that other people are going through that and you can see that and you can empathize and you can be like, Wow, that person is going through their own stuff as well.
[00:15:08] And when people throw judgments or thoughts or differences of opinion or whatever, you can accept and know that that's just coming from their own place and their own thoughts, and they're allowed to have that. And, you know, like, it doesn't have to I don't have to let it affect me unless I want to mull or like chew on those thoughts a bit, which is just fine. If I do as well, that's OK. We're all human. That's a really nice place. It's like it's cleans up all the mental drama and all the mental mess. And you can kind of, I feel, connect with humans at a more deeper level. So probably a little bit of a story here. As you know, I'm going very roll with my podcasts. I'm writing a script. I've got a topic. Sometimes I didn't even have dot points or anything for this one. It's just like, let's go into it and to help you with this one. I said this before. If you have this thought, I guarantee you you're not a narcissist to do the work on it. Do the thoughts, what are you afraid is going to happen? Why are you afraid to choose love for yourself when you can do it for others? What is keeping you back? What is that thought that is afraid of that worst case scenario? And it's really exploring and delving into that because having a place of self-assurance for yourself, whilst I think deep down for some people can be really, really scary.
[00:16:28] I guarantee you it's possible you can do it and it is beautiful. And if you want help to do that, I know it sounds like a big, massive jump. But getting coached one on one escalates this whole thing, and I love showing people how to do that for themselves. Because when you have that, when you're able to have your own back, no matter what, you truly love yourself. Seriously, I used to hate myself before because I treated myself like a fucking dick and let myself take naps. I overbooked my calendar. I was being a dick to myself, trust me. And when you stop doing that, when you learn to really love yourself and create that self-worth within yourself, fuck, that is when you can. Really, I just feel like I can really sit and enjoy life can really be with it. And I'm not saying everything's like, you're still going to have the shitty thoughts, you're still going to have the shitty emotions, but you're not going to be a dick to yourself during it. And I think that's in a nutshell what life is like that the core root, if, if anything like the thing I will go to my deathbed is learn how to not be a dick to yourself when going through life, because it's just going to be much nicer experience when shit things do happen. Ok, that's all for this week. See you guys.