In this episode I discuss my adult ADHD and go through:
Show notes and the transcript can be found here: https://michellekevill.com/adhd
In this episode I discuss my adult ADHD and go through:
Show notes and the transcript can be found here: https://michellekevill.com/adhd
[00:00:00] Hello, everyone. I hope you are well. And if not, I got you. At least you are here. So in my end of the world it has been raining like no tomorrow. We have had massive floods here in New South Wales. I am safe but it has been like raining. I'm talking about 24 hours for almost what's felt like three weeks. We've just had a little bit of respite and it is just started to rain again. Nowhere near as bad as before though. So that is good. So today's episode I have been wanting to do for ages and I've had quite a bit of mind drama about it, but I was like, You know what? Here is where we do hard things and I mean hard. As in I'm always pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone in basically expressing who I am, what I'm going through, and what I do as a life coach. And today I am going to be talking about my ADHD diagnosis as I believe this is going to resonate with quite a few people out there on the podcast and specifically what I've gone through as well. So I'll give you a little bit of background. I found coaching almost two years ago now and I kept doing it and, you know, saw improvements in my life. I also found out I had an autoimmune autoimmune disorder, Hashimoto's disease, which is a thyroid condition, and I worked with a doctor to get that resolved as well.
[00:01:34] Yet still something felt off. I couldn't pick at it. I didn't know what it was. Something just didn't feel right. And I had any inkling of my brain that I may have had adult ADHD. And I had a friend of mine. Also was were almost the same person who was also diagnosed with adult ADHD. So I thought maybe I should go get this checked out. And it was about a year ago when I went to see a psychologist and we did the assessment and we did find that I did, in fact, have adult ADHD. Now, this wasn't super surprising, but it was a little bit like, what? Because I have just only in the start, I guess recent year really started to learn what adult ADHD means for women because it is completely different. And the stereotype that we've been told of what or what I assumed as well was an ADHD person is like completely different. And it's why I just never thought I had ADHD. I just, you know, when I was growing up as a kid and a child in school, ADHD was defined as stereotype to me, as someone who just can't sit still and who like isn't learning or reading, etc. and stuff like that, like, isn't being quiet really. And for me, I wasn't that kid. I was a fucking nerd. I loved studying and class and stuff like that and learning things.
[00:03:14] I was didn't look like the typical ADHD student. And what we have found over time, especially given the pandemic, is a lot of women especially have now found out they have adult ADHD and it looks completely different for women. So what I did from there was I started to get do more research and become more aware of it. And I found Tracey Asuka's like ADHD for smart ass women. And what I do love, I will tell you this, I probably was the only person, not the only person, but I think I because I've been coached and everything, I realized that I'm so lucky that I'm entering and finding out this diagnosis where ADHD isn't necessarily seen as a bad thing. What I mean by that is this podcast literally just talks about the superhero skills you have with adult ADHD and how all it is is that your brain is just wired differently. And one of the reasons I've been quiet about it isn't because I've been ashamed, but because I didn't think I had enough ADHD or it wasn't impacting my life enough for me to be a valid person of the community, if that makes sense. Like, I didn't meet enough of the traits, the traits, and I was like, Hang on a minute, let's do some thought, work around this. And I do not doubt that there are people out there who are potentially listening to this podcast who also feel the same way.
[00:04:47] And I really wanted to talk about it, of course, in the scope of coaching as well. But for me it was like, Oh my God, I finally found my fit, if that makes sense. Like, I hate how society tries to put us into little blocks, you know what I mean? Like you could even say, like, like like when it comes to, like, gender, if you feel girly or tomboy, stuff like that. And I've always felt that I've never exactly fit somewhere when I got this diagnosis and I started to listen to this other podcast and they were describing the traits, they described me to a tee and I was so confused because again, I'm like, it hasn't impacted my life as much as I believe it should be. And I don't have stereotypical traits, which I realized is what won some of my own biases that I have around this. But it's also just the stereotype that is really been ingrained in what ADHD looks like. And because of that, I just didn't feel like I am allowed to be a part of the community. So I want to elaborate on my specific diagnosis a little bit because I feel like it is going to resonate with some people out there who are like me, who didn't exactly felt like they fit into this group. And yeah, a little bit of like the coach things like how coaching is like super, super helpful, but also it's okay to not necessarily fit into a mold.
[00:06:19] In any kind of story that you have in your head about something. And this doesn't have to be necessarily for ADHD, but sometimes we believe if I'm not exactly meeting the full criteria, then am I really allowed to be a part of this community? For example, I do not procrastinate and that is a typical trait that is talked about in ADHD, like procrastinating and, you know, not doing like your work and stuff like that. But what also is an ADHD trait is something that I talk about on this podcast called Procrastination. It's doing work that it feels it's like busy work, but it's a form of procrastination. I like to call it procrastination because it's so commonly to me just felt like, No, no, this is a work. Like, I'm my mind. I'm like, This is work. I just haven't had time to do it. But my brain is like, No, no, no, we'll just do this. Other stuff will make you think it's important. And that's what I was doing. I wasn't necessarily in some projects, especially in my corporate job, thinking things through. I was just doing it. And for me, the key area where I was struggling with I thought was my executive function. So this is planning an organization that actually was fine. The challenge I had was one, I have some areas of hyperactivity, and the hyperactivity in women looks completely different and it's unique to everyone.
[00:07:49] So for me, my hyperactivity is literally shaking my legs sometimes. If I've been sitting in a chair for too long or like swiveling, clicking pens, I if you've seen some of my Instagrams, you'll see that sometimes I have a lot of acne scars and that's because I love to pick my face. And apparently it's also a trait and I think the biggest trait is for me, I can't sleep unless I'm like shaking my foot or something. Like I have to be moving something and it kind of helps me fall asleep. And if I'm playing video games for a really long time, I sometimes may inadvertently rock a little bit and I feel a little embarrassed saying that. But I'm sharing that because this is for me, what the hyperactivity looks like. Now, here's the thing that's very easy to hide in a neurotypical world, like a video games and playing at home, the swiveling, the feet. It's like, oh yeah, like other, you know, that's relatively seen as acceptable at work as well. Like if you're moving around a little bit, my levels of hyperactivity were, I guess you could say, within the norm, like as in within the norm in neurotypical society of what we consider so. And also sometimes with my mind and it would explain why I always want to be doing something and ruminating, I didn't realize rumination can be a really big trait because we always want to be thinking and doing something.
[00:09:23] That's why I love listening to podcasts, but I hate reading books. I don't mind, but I don't actually enjoy sitting there. I want to be doing something. I want someone to be speaking to me and like I'm cleaning, I'm making food, I'm just doing something. Even when I play video games, I'm listening to a podcast while I'm playing video games is really common for me. And a lot of people just ask, How can you do that? Like, pretty easy to me if I'm just playing the video, I kind of need I need a lot of stimulation going on in my brain, which I just assumed everyone needed that, but apparently everyone's different, which is totally fine. And the key areas that we found when my weakness, which made so much sense to me, was my working memory. So my working memory specifically in some areas, the way I like to explain it to people is we live in a neurotypical society where say the standard, if everyone's a computer, the standard is everyone has six gigabytes of RAM. Right, which is actually like I think a lot of RAM. But yeah, I mean, I think when you think of Ram for a computer, it's processing speed. It's like the difference between having like 20 tabs and the computer is still functioning and stuff and it's open, right? Because like for me, I'm actually my RAM is at maybe four gigabytes and maybe in normal scenarios where I'm feeling great and fine.
[00:10:53] It's not noticeable, but in situations where I'm really stressed or put under a lot of pressure, my RAM will decrease quite a bit and I won't be able to hold as much information. So when my partner saw me moved in together, he used to nickname me Dory and it used to piss me off so much because I never understood why he called me Dory. He got really confused as to why. I would forget things. I need lists. Lists on my life saver. I have a million lists. I do get really stressed sometimes when my partner is like, Oh, don't forget, we have so-and-so. I'm like, If it's not in the calendar, then I don't have any recollection. Like it doesn't exist. It's not in the calendar, it's not on a list or something. I don't remember it. And that's really important for me to understand because at times in my corporate job where I have been really stressed, I've really noticed over the years I've had to rely on my executive functioning and I've had to be really strict about it. It's actually one of the reasons. So my program that I've created, how busy as people get organized this is, I talk a lot about how I want to alleviate the load on your working memory. Well, these are the tips and tricks that I've learned over the years as a person who's just been diagnosed with ADHD.
[00:12:18] This is literally what I use to get the best out of my RAM. It's like an application I'm applying to my brain to make the software run faster, if that makes sense. And it's it's really it's really important that I am able to share that. And people can find that because I don't doubt they're other people in the same boat. And then the second and when I say weakness, I don't think this is a bad thing. It's like there are people I don't know born with freckles. Do you know what I mean? It's just a slight difference and it's helpful to understand it because later down the line, say, if me and my partner choose to have children, that's going to be extra mental load on children. A lot extra mental load on my brain. I'm going to probably need to work out more systems and stuff like that between me and my partner. It's it's really important for me to know this. I worked out a system with my corporate job, like I worked out how to leverage my some of the stuff around my executive functioning. And I will say this because, again, I didn't feel like I fit into the ADHD community because my executive functioning was quite like average and like on point with the neurotypical society. And I thought, well, a lot of people will go on about how they have poor executive function.
[00:13:41] And I'm like, Well, I don't have that. So I, you know, I'm not allowed I'm not allowed to make an episode or talk about this or be open about it. And I would say that when I'm in that stressful state, it's it's like a seesaw or a balancing act, right? If I'm in a stressful state, my RAM and my executive function is going to go down. So I'm going to leverage it at the start at when I am in the most calm whatever state. And I give suggestions of that, of how to do it in a way that I would say is ADHD friendly and I'm really big on you also figuring it out for yourself. The pompadour, a method which everyone goes on about a 20 minute timer and then do I hate that it does not work for me because I hyperfocus, which is another ADHD trait. I will go in. I have time blindness sometimes and that's why I need to really schedule things in my calendar. I may put a timer on for 2 hours or something, but I don't like the 20 minute process and I'm really big on figuring it out in a way that suits you and adapting your style so that you can kind of grow your I, I like to use a, a metaphor, right? This is how I see it when it comes to organization in a neurotypical society with ADHD, what happens is we're taught one way of how to organizing, and it works for some people, maybe a majority of most people.
[00:15:07] And then some of the people are like, I find this really hard. I must be shit. There's something wrong with me that's complete bullshit. So it's like so much bullshit just because if it doesn't work for you, it doesn't. It has nothing to do with you. It's to do with the fucking program. And the fact that a adult ADHD, especially in women, has only started to really take note in the past, I'd say ten years or so. It's ridiculous. So figure out a way that you can leverage your awesome skills. So I love the fact that I can hyperfocus hyper focusing is great. I can get a shit ton of like intense good analysis or like project work in my business like done. That's an awesome trait. And seeing ADHD as a positive for me has been extremely helpful in being able to feel like I have control in how I then go about live my life and set things up in a way that suit me. It's not that there's something wrong with me. It's almost like society almost hasn't caught up with me. That's how I kind of see it. And I think for me that's just a better way to view it. And it really, really helps. And I know I'm going a little bit in and out here again.
[00:16:23] I'm doing all these episodes raw now, but another thing I want to touch on is another weakness that I do have is and this I knew from the very beginning is some auditory and speech processing. So what I mean by that is I really rely, especially in loud environments, on lip reading to understand what a person is saying. I hated going to clubs and if you're like talking with a new boy or if I'm like flirting and stuff like half the time I can't understand them. And I rely so heavily on lip reading. If it's a loud environment, I don't know what people are saying, and it takes a little longer for me to register what that person is saying. And I really struggled with this when people started wearing masks, which of course, we're in a pandemic, we need to wear masks. But I constantly was asking people to repeat themselves, especially if it was in a loud environment. If it's quiet, it's fine. But my brain and my ears are literally picking up all the sounds, and it's hard for me to work out what people are saying. Again, it's not actually a bad thing. It makes it a little challenging sometimes, but it's just something to be aware of. Because sometimes, especially when I'm really stressed, Emil will say things to me, my partner. And first of all, half the time, I don't know, there's some really funny TikTok memes where it's like, Is it a? He said, so, so and so, or is it B? Which is sometimes what's going on in my head, but just understanding that sometimes it's challenging for me to if there's lots of noises going on to hear things and that's allowed and that's okay.
[00:18:05] So on that, why am I sharing this? Well, the reason I want to share this is I know there's a person out there who doesn't feel like they fit in with the AIDS community or doesn't want to open up about it. And again, it's all up to you, but I realize that my experience is fucking valid. What I'm going through is valid just because I think I haven't had a hard enough experience to be part of the community. If people of all areas aren't on, all experiences aren't opening up because it's a trickle down effect, right? Think of neurotypical society. There were people with ADHD who are like, Hey, something isn't right. Like something is a little bit off, something doesn't feel right. And I feel like it's just another expansion of the same community. So for me, yes, there are aspects of my ADHD where it doesn't affect me like my executive functioning, but there are other aspects that are really challenging and vice versa. I don't know if someone might have issues with their executive function, but their working memory is really good.
[00:19:09] So you need to look at why you feel that way and you keep asking yourself Why? Why don't you feel like you should be a part of community? Why do you feel and believe that your ADHD experience needs to impact your life? And what you may found find is that you feel almost ashamed for not having a bad experience. What I mean by that is so in the community that I'm communities that I'm in for ADHD, just hearing how it's impacted their life, it's almost like, well, I can't talk about my stuff. My stuff is mild compared to what other people have gone through. And again, it's just a reflection. It's just your thoughts about the fear of you, the fear of how you'll feel if you go out there, you say your experience and contribute to the conversation of people judging you of not being accepted by a group. And it's almost like, well, I'm not fucking accepted by neurotypical society. I want to be accepted by the group that I'm kind of fitting into right now and like, fuck that up too. And I would say that actually, you know what? Adhd isn't just one cut experience like the stereotype. We've been taught that just everyone has poor executive functioning and blah, blah, blah, all this stuff, you know what I mean? It's unique to every individual. And when you are able to share your unique experience, there is another person out there who's like, Hey, that person is going through what I'm going through.
[00:20:37] Wow. It's one of the reasons why I do this fucking podcast, why I'm sharing my experience and being really open about, like, my suicide when I had happened to years ago and now with the ADHD, because I know that there is a person out there who's going to be like, Oh shit, this girl is going through what I'm going through. How interesting and going through the same thoughts. So really look at the fear. What are you afraid of? And the second thing I really want to address is what I have also viewed in the ADHD community, and I would say this even includes the autoimmune disease community as well, because I've been in both and I'll tell you a trait that I see very, very common. To put it bluntly, it's this belief that because I have an autoimmune disease or ADHD, I can't do what normal people can do. That is complete bullshit lie. Now, some people might be like, Fuck off, Michelle. Like what you what you do and you go touch a fire right now. Two things I want to say. One, you are perfectly allowed to think that and feel that really? Like I would get mad about my blood. Had a massive hissy fit two weeks ago about my autoimmune condition. I like flip the lid. I really was like, I'm done with this, right? But what I would also see is I don't want to say people use it as an excuse.
[00:22:05] It's not that. It's that people view what they have so negatively because humans have a negative bias and then they're using it as well. Like they're looking at how they don't fit in versus how they do fit in and how society just hasn't caught up to them yet. And I really want to go away from the word excuse because I just feel in my gut saying, well, you're using it as an excuse to not move forward or doing anything with your life that like, look, the fact of the matter is, you could put some of this stuff in the circumstance line. Like literally you have poor you have lower than average executive functioning. You have an autoimmune condition that makes you like feel sleepy half of the day. Put that in the fucking saline and see what you think about it and then put that into a model and show yourself that model. Because here's the thing. Even with those circumstances, how you're thinking about it is impacting what you're doing now. That is a challenge. If it wasn't this, I guarantee you it'd be something else because it was my ADHD before my Hashimoto's. It was something else that my brain was like thinking negatively or complaining about. Your brain is just like, well, great. You have two conditions that are saying really, really negatively, let's use this to judge you and be like, Well, I can't do this properly because of my ADHD or I can't fit in, blah, blah, blah.
[00:23:35] That's why I say I'm so lucky I found my ADHD diagnosis. Now, when things are so especially like this community that I've found around ADHD, it's so positive because. For me. I just see it as a fucking superpower now. That's how I've been exposed to it. Like, straight off the bat, just how awesome ADHD can be, which that may, for some people feel a bit like what? Because of what they've gone through. And I really do respect all your experiences that you have had. I guess sharing my experience, I'm choosing to view this a certain way, and because I'm choosing to view it more positively, I'm starting to see the impacts of it in my life. So I always talk about how I can hyperfocus and I think it's the best thing ever, or the fact that I can get through podcasts and, you know, play video games and run a business and do my corporate job and get like all this stuff. Like I just attribute it to who I am and that I've been able to use my new way of thinking, you could say, to just adapt if that makes sense, or just create a life that works for me. And I think that's where I see some people get into the trap.
[00:24:56] So how do we rectify this one is you really need to process the emotions you're allowed. First of all, you're allowed to think this and you're allowed to be there in that place for as long as you want to to be like. Couple weeks ago I was angry about Hashimoto's. I was like, I am done with this shit. Like I'm fucking done. I got frickin nodules on my thyroid, they're flaring up my thyroid, I'm getting hot flushes like this is ridiculous, really sit and process those emotions because what I think is happening from my personal experience is it's almost like a loop that keeps you stuck. You're stuck in this unintentional muddle, but you're not processing any of the emotions. So it's almost like this, oh, my God, this sucks. I hate this disease, this or ADHD or whatever it is. You're just sitting there like in it. And again, you're pouring gasoline over yourself. You're not processing the emotions. Sit there and notice the sensations in your body, allow your body to process that. The second part is put all of that in a saline like my thyroid makes me really fucking tired. Like I can't do anything about that, but it's how I think about it that changes everything for me. I either would whip myself and push myself and it would be horrific or I'd go rest and then I judge myself or I can choose to view it in a different way and just be like, Look, this is who I am, this is what I'm going through and this is what my body needs right now.
[00:26:27] And yes, it needs more sleep than the average person. Like, okay, the end. Let's just that's just it. I can choose to make that painful for myself. Or I can choose. Hmm. Maybe I can think a little bit differently about this. Maybe I can think about this. Like, how do you want to think about this? You don't have to go super positive like I do with my ADHD. But you could maybe if you wanted to get to neutral, maybe you want to view it neutrally. So look at put that in the saline, put your ADHD or situation on or this is about ADHD. Now bring it up, autoimmune, whatever it is, put it in the saline, then write your thoughts out. Really explore those thoughts because they're the things that are causing the emotions and all that flare up. So I know this was a really long episode, but I wanted to share this for anyone who doesn't. Maybe they have ADHD and they don't feel like they fit in at the moment. To share my experience about that and also a little bit of the coaching that I had to do on my own self to get me to a point where I don't necessarily see this as debilitating but more positive. For me, there are some aspects of it I find annoying, but again, I can have my own back.
[00:27:45] I'm self I'm working on that self compassion and if this is something that you are interested in and you want to work on as well, come reach out to me book in a discovery call and let's see if we're a good fit and if I can help you to generate that for yourself. Because the fact is, me seeing this as just a little bit more, you know, being able to process those emotions and being just a little bit more positive about myself. It's just makes it a lot easier moving through life. And I'm not saying it's going to be fairy gardens and happiness and it's like, Oh my God, yeah. Amy Wood Thyroid condition and ADHD. And it's rainbows and sunshine. No, it's not like that. But look at how you're thinking now. What stage are you at? You might be at? I need to process my emotions part. Maybe you're not ready to even get into changing my thoughts part. And then once you move on, it's okay. How do I want to look at this? Because you have your brain for the rest of your life. You have your thoughts for the rest of your life. The great news is you can work to change it and you can work to create that more neutral to positive mindset. And that is my bread and butter. That is what I teach. All right. Thanks. Bye.