Today I am discussing how to truly love yourself more in a two part series focusing on creating internal safety.
In this episode I discuss how:
Show notes and the transcript can be found here: https://michellekevill.com/creatingsafety
Today I am discussing how to truly love yourself more in a two part series focusing on creating internal safety.
In this episode I discuss how:
Show notes and the transcript can be found here: https://michellekevill.com/creatingsafety
[00:00:00] Hello, everyone. I hope you are well. And if not, I got you. At least you are here. That wasn't a very good. I try not to make it too loud because I can see it on the recording software that I'm using, like this just massive bump. And I'm like, Oh God, it must sound so loud sometimes. So I'm very mindful when I make that. I hope you're having a lovely Monday or Sunday, depending on what part of the world you were in today listening to this episode, or actually you be listening to this on a completely different day, maybe you have stumbled across. I've had some of my fans just binge watch this or binge listen to this whole thing. So it could be a completely different day for you. So. Today we are making a little mini series. I may make a part three and I'm thinking about ideas for future workbooks. I'm actually currently working on one right now, which is going to guide you through working through your emotions. It's going to be a little introduction and have stuff around like thoughts and beliefs and stuff like that. I'm really excited for it. I'm planning on doing a whole heap of stuff for that and creating a whole heap of more things. I'm actually looking at my list right now. I have my all my goals and stuff that I want to create for you all listed up here. But today as part of How to love yourself.
[00:01:23] Last week we talked about body image, which was something that I like. It wasn't really planned. It kind of came up for me and I'm like, You know what? I really want to share this as I think a lot of people struggle with this and let's just kind of share what's going on, what techniques I'm using, what what I'm thinking. Basically what I'm doing is a life coach to manage all this. And then I touched on this a little bit around how I want to and how what I do to create internal safety. So again, a little bit of a story time from last week. Why I this has popped up for me is as you know, I recently went on a The Driven Young podcast. You probably seen some stuff if you follow me around it. And I did an interview and some of the, you know, the creator made some little Tik Tok videos and some of them went like, I wouldn't say they're super viral, but some of them, one of them got like half a million views, which for me in my world, in my grand scheme of things is like quite big for me. I was like, Whoa. And there's obviously a lot of like talk and comments and interactions and stuff like that. What was so interesting is like 99% of the comments were actually super positive. Now, regardless, that that doesn't matter. And of course, my brain decided to focus on like the few comments that were one that were just a little bit negative, that were addressing or pointing out, particularly like my character or who I was.
[00:03:06] And my brain had a little bit of a hissy fit. And it was so interesting because I am the type of person who interestingly, if I heard that face to face, I wouldn't have been as affected by it. Like I definitely would have been a little bit shocked and upset, but for some reason, seeing it online. The like, for lack of a better word, triggered me. And I was a bit like, hah, like let's really sit and observe what the hell is going on because this is a little bit of a new thing for me. And what I realized had happened was I didn't feel safe. I. Felt especially like tapping in from the body image stuff. What had happened was, you know, you hear the whole story, the other episode, but then this kind of added to it. It's like, I kind of hate myself, I hate my body. And now, you know, this is just more evidence that, you know, you kind of suck. Like there are very few comments that were just like, well, that's not very nice to say, which is what popped up in my head. And I just sat with that and I thought, Hmm, what is going on here? And I want to share with you for anyone out there who is going through something similar, who isn't feeling safe, it doesn't have to be necessarily a same situation I'm going through where it's online.
[00:04:33] It could be. I've talked about this before in previous episodes. It could be maybe as a project deadline and you just cannot stop the this kind of like it's almost like not exactly a low hum of anxiety. Oh, it's kind of like it's like I'm a meerkat and I'm just constantly watching out for danger and there's this heightened sense of fear and anxiety. That's how I would put it. And you kind of just like, you know, like your prefrontal cortex, the thinking part of your brain, you know, you're not in actual danger. Nothing's going to happen. But you're in this heightened sense and you're kind of sitting there like shit, like what's going to happen? Like you're looking out for danger and you're kind of sick of it. You're like, What the hell? Like, you know, nothing's, you know, nothing is going to literally happen. There's no direct threat to your danger. So I wanted to talk a little bit around how did I create some internal safety and what are the steps that I went through? What did I go through? What can you take away from this so that in the same situation doesn't have to be, you know, mean comments. It could be really for anything. How do you create an internal level of safety so that you can turn back on your thinking part of the brain, your prefrontal cortex, and continue to move through and do things and, you know, start to feel just feel a little bit better.
[00:05:53] So, of course, a little bit of psychology, you know, biology, brain stuff, you know, all the all the science stuff. As I like to go through here, our brains are wired to do this. So one thing I see with my clients is there is some judgment around when we are when our brains are basically having a hissy fit about something. I didn't really do that too much in this case. I think before coaching, 110% would have judged myself for being afraid of like a comet that was visible. That look, if I just flame it, the flame it frame, it simply were just mean. They and again, yes, that is my thoughts. I'm just coming out of coach mode for a second here. It was more like a lot of the commentary was just like, suck it up, like, welcome to life, sweetheart. It was kind of like, okay, and I know that doesn't sound too bad. And looking back now, I'm like, I genuinely do not like, I don't care about it now. I'm actually like, okay, people are allowed to have these comments in the moment though I was caring and that is because my brain is looking out for danger, especially when it comes to new things and I could be aware of that.
[00:07:07] So I wasn't judging myself for quote unquote, like being an idiot and, you know, being afraid of like, oh, like, why are you afraid of some, you know, riding on a screen kind of thing? It's like, no, first of all, like judgment. I've always said judgment is just a cherry on top. Just let that let that shit go. You're a human with a brain. Okay? Adding judgment is just adding extra shame for you, like for your body doing something that is so natural. Our brains are constantly looking for threats. Okay, think about where we came from when we lived in, like, caves, and there were like, wild bears. And I always just. I always say bears. I don't know why, but, you know, wild things out there that could eat us again. It hasn't really adapted the limbic system. The stress response lateral flight hasn't really adapted for the 21st century. So now we are flooded with bad news or bad comments and our brain like that gets, you could say triggered that gets turned on. We have we have thoughts about it, whether that be conscious or subconscious and then that affects how we feel. And for me, the reason because I was sitting there so confused, I was like, why? Like, why am I okay? Why would I be more okay if someone was saying this to me face to face? Because I can assess the danger more effectively and because I've been through it before and when it's happened, guess what? I haven't died.
[00:08:34] So that doesn't stress me out. Here's the thing. It's just showing my age a little bit here. I like I was never like cyber bullet, for example. Like, you know, back in my day, like we had like, you know, we still had we were still using majority of text messages and stuff like that when I was going through like, like, you know, late primary school in high school. And even then it was just, it was limited. So I've never really been exposed to that. If anything, I've kind of sat on the sidelines hidden behind. Yes, I had you know, I got Facebook when everyone else got it and stuff like that. But I was never really, I guess you could say into the drama that, you know, some of those memes that you might see of like, I don't know, a Facebook feud or something like that. Like back ten years ago, I was more just there observing and watching. And then it felt like now I'm in the middle of it, I'm the center. People are having their opinions, which are totally fine, but my brain is like, Oh shit, like. This doesn't like this is new. This is scary. And I feel uncomfortable. And I didn't like that uncomfortableness. I didn't also like and again, it's just other people's thoughts and my thoughts about it.
[00:09:51] People were like, well, it's, you know, it's fine. People are always going to have comments. Most of them like, don't worry about it. It's like, Well, I am worried about it. Don't tell me not to worry. Do not tell me not to worry when obviously my brain is worried. I can't just let this go right now. Like my brain is hooked on it because we're looking out for danger. Our brains are like, what is dangerous? Again, your prefrontal cortex, my thinking brain is like, well, no one is like literally going to drive to your house and find you. Like, this is very mild level comments here like it it is fine. And at the same time, my brain or my limbic system is like, Oh my God. What the hell? This is scary. I don't like this. There. There are so many things. So how did I get to a point where I was able to create internal safety? And one thing is one understanding your brain and biology, just removing the fucking judgment seriously. And it's look, it's okay if you do judge yourself, but I want you to come back to this episode and I want you to come back to everything I teach here, which is you are like you are literally an animal. You are also wired a certain way. You have a negative bias. Your brain is just doing what it thinks it needs to do to protect you.
[00:11:05] So that's one. The second thing I did was look at how has this happened before? Like, when has this happened before? So I'm going to give you context in my world, right? So what I've noticed is as I've been becoming more visible, like in the online space, which think about it before, if I'm sitting on the sidelines now, I'm like, you could say front and center. I always had this reaction. I remember I did a Facebook ad and as you know, I, I swear on this podcast, I had the how busy as fuck people get organized workbook and someone made a comment didn't like the swear words didn't didn't like the fact that like know the podcast had swearing in it and you know, it obviously has warnings and stuff like that. And at the time it just felt a little like, oh, like I've done something bad, I've done something wrong. It triggered all that for me. And what happened? Well, I ended up getting over it and not caring. Obviously, I did stuff which I'm going to go through in a second. But what's interesting was I just looked at it back and I was like, okay, so I'm just expanding. You could say my, my comfort ness, my, my comfort level is just expanding. You know, first it's one comment, now it's like, you know, I know maybe a baby bit of a jump here, but now it's like half a million views on a video and like people discussing it and stuff like that and having chats about it.
[00:12:26] So it's my brain kind of getting almost accumulated, accumulated acclimatized, you know what I mean to something that is very new for me that I don't really have exposure to and don't really know the danger. So when I looked at the past, I'm like, okay, this is part of the journey. And I think for you it's looking at whatever it is it could be in your work life right now. Like, think about like of course I always use corporate examples, but think about corporate job, right? Do you remember the first time like you had to like maybe lead a meeting and how fucking nervous you felt? And now I don't know whether it be a couple months down the line or whatever. Now you're just like, You rock up. I don't know, maybe like a little bit late and you're like, okay, let's get started. So and so I remember when I first I had an internship and like I made, you know, a recommendation and how nervous I was. Like, I think I stuttered and everything nowaday. So I'm just like, hey, like, here's my recommendation. Like, it's, it's like the fear level has gone. It's changed completely. Y And again, I didn't have thought work back then, but what happens is when you do the thing, it's kind of like an intentional model when you end up just like going into it, doing and doing it and nothing happens.
[00:13:46] Like you're not in physical danger. It's like, Oh my God, your limbic system learns. Oh, this isn't something I need to get stressed out about. And that is the same for whatever you're going through right now. It is reminding yourself that you are expanding your comfort boundaries, probably not using. When I say comfort boundaries, I think of it like a fence, like where little sheep, fluffy little sheep and wearing like a big pen. And we're kind of just stretching the fence a bit and it feels a bit weird, like the pen is looking a bit bigger, like it's too big. And then, you know, you look at maybe there's like post of where it used to be and you look all the way back and you're like, Oh, like the pen used to be so small before. Like, you don't know until you do it and you expand that boundary. So you're probably saying to me, but Michel, that's not going to help me right now. I feel like shit. I feel very scared. It's okay. I'm coming for you. Don't worry. We're going through a process here around and creating internal safety. It's all good. I got you. And you know what the third thing is going to be, especially if you're one of my clients, you know what it's going to be child.
[00:14:52] It is going to be you've got to sit with the feelings. Now, I really feel for you here like I am if you're listening to this and you are like going through something like know that, hear my essence through this audio, I feel you because I did not want to feel the feelings with this one. I didn't want to do it. I was buffering, I was numbing out. And I was probably having reactions to the level of anxiety like, which is also fine. Like I ended up like crying and getting a little upset and I remember my partner and again, I wouldn't take seriously. And I don't mean this in a mean way, like, of course, you know you do you. But I remember my partner was a little bit confused because he's like, Oh, but you're doing all these things and you get excited beforehand and then you do it and then you get stressed like, like these aren't bad. Like, this isn't this isn't scary. It's stressful. The way I see it is vice versa. If this is the other way around, I 110% would be saying the exact same thing to him. And the reason being is because they're on the other side, they have their prefrontal cortex turned on. I do not. I have a stress response and what I need is an emotional regulation. And I literally told my partner that I was like, I don't need you to tell me like how everything is different.
[00:16:13] I need you to literally tell me that I am safe. And that's what he actually did. He's like, We're in our house. Like, I am here. He's like a rare case. Someone comes here, it's like, it's going to be fine. Like you can process and sit with these emotions and yeah, like it's, it's about dealing with the big fucking feelings. I don't know. It sounds so basic, like when I just stay with my feelings and then like, it's, it's okay. Like, no, it's not going to feel okay when you do it. Like, I never lie about this shit, but I guarantee you, if you don't do it, it's just going to get worse and build up and it's going to create more fear because the limbic system is like screaming at you. There is danger. There is danger. And you're not listening to me. Like, Why aren't you listening? There's something is going to eat us. When you sit with the emotion, when you let it like sit beside you in your body, you allow it to be there. You are checking in with your nervous system, with your stress response. You are saying, I'm, you know, I hear you, you are letting steam off the pot. That is what you are doing. Now, here's the thing. Is the water still going to be boiling after you do that? Are you going to feel magically better? No. And here's the thing that I guarantee you, as I've done each of these things, including in my corporate life as well, I've noticed that it's like that's why I talked about before, just looking back at where this has happened before, it goes through stages and I realized even before I was doing thought work, what I was doing is just pushing myself or white knuckling the feelings and doing an intentional model.
[00:17:47] And then the intentional model just works so well. Of course, with the intentional model, I wasn't thinking a new thought. I was actually just anything just doing the align. I was like, Right, I'm just going to come in and act confidently and you know, just like hope for the best. And then like I proved to my brain that, hey, everything's fine and it's okay. And that was the same thing with this thing with the comments because guess what? I kept feeling like shit for like maybe a couple of days to maybe two weeks or something like that. Guess what happened? It ended up fading. Now obviously I did coaching and stuff like that, but this always happens. My brain is kind of is it's kind of like, okay, where's the danger? Like it's something coming to get us and then it can eventually fade. The reason I say it can. It really depends on your level of belief and intensity of thoughts. So in this case, nothing ended up happening. Nothing ended up coming to like get me or attack me.
[00:18:46] So I ended up just being like, well, my, my, my system just really started to slowly calm down, I. I'm doing coaching, which I'll talk about in a second. But I've just seen this throughout my whole life, even before the coaching. He does get to a point. It can with some scenarios where it's kind of like, okay, the danger isn't here and that I can calm down about it. And then again, you've just kind of expanded your boundary here. So that's why it's important. Again, like I was saying, to look at some of those patterns of what you've been through, because in this case, that's what I reminded myself here. I was like, Okay, what if I'm just going to feel like shit and just have to sit with these feelings? It's going to feel less shit. If I do that, like I don't care what I was like at least 50% for me. If I feel the feelings, it's like you process it, you sit with it, it's like you're checking in with yourself, you're self regulating and it just, it flows on a lot better. It's not that high and low. It's more like little peaks and dips. What if I'm just going to feel this for, like, a couple of days? Or maybe maybe it's weeks, but it will end up fading and going away, like, would you be less resistant to it? And I'm like, okay, because I've seen this before and I know what my body does now alongside this as well.
[00:20:02] And what I think again, why this is a part of the love yourself series. Creating internal safety is because I think. Having the ability to create a level of comfort and protection for yourself. Literally parenting yourself is the biggest act of service and self love for yourself. To accept yourself for who you are and where you are in the moment right now. Because I realized in this example, I just hadn't been accepting myself. I had not been accepting my body. And this was more evidence that like I am shit and my brain is like I am less accepting of myself. And from some of the thought downloads and stuff that popped up in the model, it was more this fear that what if I what if these comments are true about myself? You know what? If I do just need to grow up? You know, this just proves all along, like, I'm, you know, fat, ugly. I'm self-centered. Like, all this stuff just started to pop up. And what I realized is it wasn't necessarily that, if that makes sense, like the the C line in this sense was more. It's kind of like a model in a model like model ception here because when I dug deeper and this is why it's really important to ask yourself why when you're doing thought downloads and just keep going.
[00:21:36] So I was like, something ain't right here. It's not just not just everything. Because when I wrote it down all on paper about my stuff, about my body image and stuff, about what was, you know, what I'm going through and fears about, you know, oh, this comment means I'm like this, yada, yada, yada. It was more that. I wasn't accepting myself like, let's say all of that was true because this is what I did, my model, right? I'm like, what if? Like, why is it a problem that it may be? You are being, I don't know, whiney because you're complaining about, you know, we're talking, you know, we talk about like high school, the system and stuff like that. Like, what if that's true? Why is that a problem? And I was like, Huh? It's like I didn't want to be these traits or attributes so that I was pushed. I was believing I was, and then pushing myself away in the process. For me to hit the nail on the head. It's almost like I was having these thoughts, truly believing them. And what I wanted was self acceptance, even if they were like like. True. Which by the way, is like, I decide if it's true or not. Like other people are going to have opinions. So what? Like, I can decide to love my body. I can decide to start loving it, I can decide to fucking accept myself and put those other thoughts that has been socialized in me about my body and my view, etc.
[00:22:55] And just park, you know, work to park them on the side. I can accept myself now as I am and still have those beliefs kind of on the side, if that makes sense. It's like I am a small, vulnerable child who is looking for love and affection. But what I see is like this bratty little kid that's, like, really, really cranky, and I'm just pushing it away. I'm like, Fuck you, I'm pushing myself away. I was like, Oh, I'm like, This has nothing to fight. This has nothing to do with what people are saying about me. It's to do with, like, if that was true, like it's like, you know, if I am ugly, like, like I can't accept myself almost. Which yes. That's, you know, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and stuff like that. Like I've set myself these really high expectations on what, you know, this is okay to love yourself through. And in this instance I'm like, No, you're not meeting these expectation and standards. You don't deserve my love, which is why I'd been feeling so apathetic. And then it kind of hit me all of a sudden. And this was in all the some of the negative comments, it was kind of like the turning point for me, and that's what I would say to everyone here. Are you truly accepting your self as you are now with the thoughts you have about yourself? I know it's a bit of a mind fuck you even when you're having and you're really believing that you suck.
[00:24:22] Can you accept? This is going to sound weird, but can you accept that you think that you suck? Do you know what I mean? Like, can you accept that? That's how you feeling right now? That that's where you're at. Can you look at yourself as a small child that is just learning and growing through the world and be like, You know what? You are thinking all these thoughts and then making you feel really sad. And you know what? Even if you do suck, I still love you. Which I know sounds contrary to what kind of coaching is. But it's like, again, it comes back with it's kind of comes back with processing your emotions. Its being where you're at in the moment and even accepting all those negative thoughts about yourself and regardless choosing to love yourself. Do you think I completely, 100% after that episode, I'm like, all good and okay about my body. No, I still have the negative thoughts. I still look at my stomach. I still judge myself. Can I accept myself that I'm still doing this and kind of fully embrace it? Yes. Can I say to myself, I'm still learning how to be okay with my body. That is going to take a lot of work and unlearning, and that's okay.
[00:25:37] And we're going to go through it together. Yes. Can I say to myself, hey, you're having a lot of scary thoughts right now. You think you're being attacked like you think that you suck. And even if you believe that, I fucking think you're awesome. And I love you. You suck and I love you, if that makes sense. That's kind of what was going on in my head for me, and that was kind of the thought that sometimes I would think it would give me. I know it sounds weird, but it would give me a level of self acceptance. It's like you can drop the bar. Even if that thought is true, I still fucking love you. Who cares? And that's how I was able to let it go. That's the funny thing. I was able to let it go when I stopped resisting it. And I accepted that. You know what? Maybe like. Yeah, maybe I do sound whiny, and that's okay. Like other. And then then when I started to create that, it was kind of like, well, yeah. And then other people have opinions. Other people are allowed to have opinions. They're allowed to have their own thoughts. That's that's fine. I can still I can still love you. Like, I'm kind of talking to myself here. I can still love you, regardless of that. Do you know how fucking freeing that is? Do you have.
[00:26:48] Fucking freeing. When I was like, Oh. I'm accepting me because remember, we internalize all the stuff from, you know, I talk about this all the time, poor parent society, etc., the expectations that society sets the sets for us, we internalize that and then we apply it to ourselves and we make ourselves living hell. I am like being the, you know, a mean parent. Like, I'm thinking like I'm acting like a little tot, like cranky toddler or whatever, having a hissy fit, being bratty when actually I'm not. And what I want is just, you know, some hugs and love right now that is creating safety for yourself. That is saying in the moment with your emotions, with your all your thoughts and everything, I am here for you. That is, it's like parenting. It's just parenting yourself. That is what I did to create internal safety. Because when I can accept myself. For what I'm thinking in the moment and be like, Yeah, you're thinking, you suck. You're thinking you're whiny. You know what? Even if. Even if it's true. Even if every single person on the planet said, Michelle, you're fucking whiny. I can love you. I can choose to love myself or where I'm at. And that is the same for any example that you're going through. And it creates a level of, well, all humans, like we want to be loved and we want to be cared for. So if you're your biggest supporter, then that's when you're going to be able to let some of that go.
[00:28:23] Because here's the thing, and we believe I thought so intently that like I could ask a similar thing could happen to someone else and they might say, Yeah, no, everyone thinks I'm whining. Everyone tells me that. It's like, dude, like you could if I asked every single person on the planet, like 7 billion people, that would be such mixed responses, honestly. This is what you need to go through in life if you're going to be doing things, whether it be a business, whether it be like corporate or anything, people are going to have opinions about you and then you are going to internalize that. And then that's where the unsafe ness or I need to look out for danger because I need to protect myself. Comes from what you can do is start to create like a parent creates a child. You know that level of safety for them. You can start to do that for yourself. You can start and have those thoughts and work to create a level of internal safety that accepts you for where you are at. Almost like saying to yourself like if someone says you're too fucking loud, you know, many times I've heard I'm too loud. You want to corporate like I'm loud or whatever. Like, if someone is going to have that opinion about you, you can say to yourself, Even if that were true, I can still love you and accept you.
[00:29:41] Now, that takes a lot of work. I know because you might not be there yet, and that is totally fine. And that is where, you know, doing an intentional model, if you knew, hey, check out my earlier episodes. I go all through this and talk about it. Doing bought downloads, really getting to those root thoughts that you think about yourself is really, really key. And then you can add like calls it to it. Like sometimes I think missing a thought here, but you could say stuff like. I'm trying to like accept myself, all of myself. And if that's still too hard, I think the biggest level of as a start of creating safety is just sitting with your emotions in that moment and just being there for yourself. Like, sounds really lame, but it's like putting your heart on your chest and being and feeling it. It's almost like it's like literally parenting yourself. It's like, hey, going through a lot of feelings right now. That's okay. I'm right here with you. We're going to do this together. It's going to. It's okay. I'm here for you right now. Maybe we just need to go watch Netflix for a little bit. That's okay. Literally. That is exactly what I did right then. That language is perfect. Like that is perfect. Even just as a start, you're creating a new kind of like literally a new neural network, a new pathway.
[00:30:58] You're speaking to yourself in a different language. You're creating that comfort and safety. And then when you can do that, you start to apply that in more scenarios and situations, and then you're able to go out and create things like I'm doing, like going on TikTok and interviews and stuff like that, and deal with things that are new. I know that even though it feels scary, whether it be my business, whether it be like big things in my in my corporate job, I know that I have the capability and the skills to handle it effectively so that I can keep going, keep making an impact, keep doing what I'm doing. And if you want help with that, if you are sitting there sick of feeling a kind of medium level of anxiety, you just want to be able to go out, do things, embrace it, get over it, keep doing, you know, keep moving on and doing things, you know, look at those kind of things that look a little bit scary. But think of yourself. You know what? I know how to handle it. Then come reach out to me. Book in a discovery call with me. Let's see how I could help you. I always say this I don't feed your fish. I teach you how to fish. I give you the skills so that you can go out and do this stuff for yourself. That is all for today. It is a very long episode. I know. I will catch you guys later by.