How to cope with Feedback

Today I am discussing how to move the f*ck on and cope with feedback.

In this episode I discuss how: 

• What is feedback ?
• The psychology and brain stuff behind it
• A Life Coaches take on it
• How to cope and process it

Show notes and the transcript can be found here: https://michellekevill.com/feedback

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⚠️ Disclaimer:   This podcast is for educational purposes only and does not constitute medical, legal, or psychological advice. Any stories, examples, or scenarios discussed are illustrative and may be composites or anonymised accounts. They do not refer to any specific individual, client, workplace, or organisation. 

Transcript

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[00:00:00] Hello, everyone. I hope you are well. And if not, I got you. At least you are here. I think I'm getting better at the click noise. I think I'm not making it too loud for you over there, listening wherever you are. I think I'm just getting it right. I'm still figuring out the title for today's episode, but basically it's about how to accept feedback and I am talking typically everyday feedback, but also I'm giving a lot of corporate examples as like that's my own experience and what I've been through and I'm giving you the whole spiel. I'm going to give you a whole heap of stuff around, you know, how we define it all the brain psychology stuff and my take as well on it, I just, I simplify it the fuck down for you guys and of course, what are probably maybe I still I'm still working on the title, right? But what I really want to name this episode is how to move the fuck on from feedback because it's so interesting, when I was researching this podcast episode, the amount of stuff I got that was like, you know how to respond to feedback and how to accept it and how to, you know, it's like be nice and accepting and you know, blah, blah, blah. And this is my thoughts and opinions on it, but it kind of felt like the people, the feedback givers had written this stuff. It was only, wow, well, you know, this is some stuff.

[00:01:26] But at the stuff that pops up first in the Google stuff was like on the how to accept it, how to go with it versus like lower down the line of Google searches was like how to cope with it, how to deal with like physical responses that you have to it. And if you are someone like me who used to receive feedback in, say, a corporate setting, I'm going to give us some examples and then take it super seriously, ruminate on it, run away to the bathroom and have a fucking cry and feel really sorry about yourself. Then this is not helpful. You're probably sitting there just judging yourself, thinking that you are just this like either a fucking princess or you've got too many feelings, you know? As the title of this podcast, How to Deal With Big Fucking Feelings, I had a a lot of big fucking feelings when it came to feedback and it was through coaching that now it's like water off a duck's back. Do I still get some emotions to it? I sure fucking do. And I know how to handle it now. And I'm going to give you the spiel. We're going to get into it. So let's start. So what what is it like how we define it? If you do like a typical Google search or you look up like in the dictionary, it's basically it's really just information, basically a tool that helps evaluate people on themselves.

[00:02:56] Think of it like blind spots. So maybe you do a presentation and then you might ask for some feedback because we're in our own brains and we can't see other things. And then another person gives their perspective or their piece of feedback. You may know where I'm going with this later on when I'm talking about like my take on this. But anyway, it really is just information. A person who maybe is, I don't know, from a corporate perspective, more senior or something is telling you, hey, these are things, some things that you can do typically to improve on or to be better at. So that's kind of like the summary of what it is now. Here comes the psychology and all the brain stuff, and I'm going to simplify it the hell down for you, especially in my take on it. Really. What is so responsible for your extreme reaction to some critical or constructive, whatever you want to call it? Feedback is the amygdala. I have talked about this in a previous episode around deep stuff on your brain. Go check that out and that is super responsible and part of your fight or flight mechanism, your stress response. Ultimately, think of it as some people it's referred to as like threat detection. Right? Like like I like to think of it as a security system. But the problem with that is it's it's more than that.

[00:04:23] It processes really strong emotions and it fucking remembers them. Think of that as more like a very, I guess you could say kind of like a security guard. But the security guard isn't just looking at threats. It's looking at like anything that has a very strong emotional response, it is going to process it. So the opposite of that could be you like scrape your knee as a kid and you're like crying and then like your mum or dad or whoever comes to pick you up, cuddle you, hold you close to them, and then that, you know, there's like Russia proxy oxytocin. Person like that, that real love and just bonding moment. It'll remember stuff like that because that's remembering and reminding you that you can trust this person. This person is a good person. This is a person that we look to if we scrape our knee or are in danger. So it's I like to think of the amygdala as a little person that remembers really key things that is going to help your survival. Kind of what I described to you before. But think of it as like I like to think of it as like a little person sitting in my brain and I guess just just gets shown a heap of pictures. And from those pictures, it'll chews up shit. That's important. I fucking need to remember that. Let's stall that.

[00:05:43] Really hold on to that. And when I see that again, I'm going to flare the F up to protect you. So evolutionary example here, it was really important. Like this amygdala or this example I'm giving is really important. If you are back in the cave ages, there is danger around you. Like och really important to remember and I always use a bad or know why. I think a lot of people would use lion more, but I use badge. Just the first thing that comes up in my head. I don't know. Maybe I watch a mirror too much like American television. I don't know. Are there beds in America? I think so. Probably some places there. I've heard of Bear Mace. I'm going off Chop Pickett anyway. So in essence, it's important to remember if there's a bear by the river where you go to get the water, it's probably really important that you remember that and you remember the bear running towards you to eat you really important. So then when you see a bear again, you that fight or flight kicks in. It's literally there to protect you. But Michelle, how the hell does this relate to words? Well, hear me out. I will I will get to that point. Don't you worry about it. Now, if we go into a little bit of the studies around our brains and how we accept feedback, there's a whole heap of stuff. And in essence, they talk about, for example, like typically people who respond really negatively have low self esteem.

[00:07:12] There's some studies to suggest that you could be a covert narcissist, do not freak out. And I would say in even less than the last decade, I feel I've maybe with social media being more impactful, I've seen this more. There is a lot more talk now around highly sensitive people and rejection, sensitivity, dysphoria or disorder. Now, this is not in the DSM five, which is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. It's basically what psychologists use to kind of, you know, these are the symptoms you're having. So you have like depression or anxiety, etc.. However, there is a ton of stuff. There are more people talking about it. There is more research into it. And I'm not going to go into all the detail, but relatively it's the same stuff in the sense that these people, potentially there are people out there who just have a higher reaction to feedback. They have a stronger emotional response. They are their amygdala is just potentially flaring up a little bit more, just at a really high level there. The reason I mention it is because I talk about in previous episodes how I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and before I found thought work, I only learnt about RCD, which is correlated, they think with ADHD as well. I only really learnt about that afterthought work.

[00:08:37] I guarantee you if before thought work I learnt about this, I would have been like, yep, like this is me. And to an extent I do see aspects of it and I'm like, Yeah, this is me 100%. I think I've learnt a tool though that works for me in order to manage these strong reactions or big fucking feelings that I have to life and in what I'm talking about here, feedback from other people. So here's my take on it. Feedback is just a fucking opinion from someone else. That's it. I'll talk about this in a bit more detail, but you can fucking choose if you want to accept it or not. You do not have to. And I know some of you are like, Why do you mean? No. I'm going to get real into it. Hold on tight, kids. We are going deeper. This one feedback is just information. It is. It's actually subjective. Humans are subjective. And we love to box people. We love to, you know, put like set a standard of practice and put them into it and stuff like that. And I think, you know, like there are some things where that works and then there are other things where like take for example, a presentation. So I recently had to give some feedback on someone who did a presentation in my team, and I remember sitting there thinking to myself, You know what? This same presentation could be presented to 100 different people, and I guarantee you there would be some common themes.

[00:10:14] Yes. And there definitely would be like differences. Like some people would have been like, oh, no, they should have gone like straight into the detail. Or some people would have been like, no, they should have read the first statement here or no, or they should have had an agenda and they were missing an agenda or something like that. And yes, there are general standards. It's like we give an example of a presentation that we all, I would say, follow like we are. Most people have like a title and then an agenda and then you have like an intro statement and stuff like that. But I guarantee you, people have differences or little variations. And what we do is we take that feedback as pure truth. We just internalize the shit out of it. We don't look at it subjectively as well. We take it as faith, especially if you will like me and I've talked about this before, but I'm going to give you a deeper example. I still remember working really hard on a presentation, like I worked so hard on this presentation as I'm presenting it, I am reading the person's face so intently and they are looking so disappointed and I'm so nervous. And afterwards they were just like they were so fucking disappointed. They're like, You didn't take anything I took on. You did this wrong.

[00:11:36] You did this wrong. They said this wrong and I am biting my tongue to try hold back the tears because I don't want to cry because it's a corporate office and that feels embarrassing. And I'm already judging myself for having any form of emotion. And I didn't think the feedback objectively wasn't that bad. I think I was just, you know, I was really reading into it and you know, all even that it's just a whole heap of judgement for. How I'm feeling in the moment I go to, I'm like, Yeah, cool, that's fine. Try to play it off. Whatever. You could definitely, probably see it as like a little bit of like watery eyes. And then I go to the bathroom and burst into tears and cry. And I always give this example, like running off to the bathroom to cry because I don't think that that is talked about enough. Okay. The I'm pretty sure everyone has had an experience, whether you identify as male or female, where you have had so much emotion at work that you've had to go somewhere to let all your emotion out because you think it is embarrassing to and it's not appropriate to do that in like a more public setting because, you know, like we have a lot of internalized judgment around how we should express our emotions. And in this case, I am talking about like crying or being upset or something like that.

[00:12:57] Not if you're angry and you want to like physically hurt someone, like punch a table, like maybe like don't go do that. You don't go to the bathroom and then like punch the wall or something like that. But you hear what I'm coming from when I'm talking about this. So this is really close to me because this is something that I just would say to myself, like, there is something wrong with me. Like everyone else is sitting there taking feedback and just going along about their goddamn day. And here I am having a cry in the bathroom like a child. Like I felt like there was something genuinely wrong with me. If this experience is resonating with you right now, I want you to fucking know you are perfectly fine. There is nothing wrong with you. You are a human being who has some big fucking feelings. They are valid, they are allowed. You have an extreme or stronger emotional reaction compared to other people. That's okay. Who the fuck said that? You know, you should have this level of emotion and that's it. Like that to me is like a society kind of just boxing people in. Like we have so many caveats when it comes to emotion, right? Like, you know, anger in man is really fucking acceptable and it's not seen as emotional like women are told that they are emotional. And throughout my whole life I'm sitting there like, but men get angry.

[00:14:24] Is it that emotional? Like, is that an example of it? So where am I going with all this? I think that's my little take, just to let you know that, you know, if you're listening to this and you've come on here in your work, I am just wanting to get over this. I've been there. I'm there with you and I hear you and it's okay. So secondly. Potentially what the title is going to be. How? How do I move the fuck on? How do I get over this? How do I stop this one? You need to, like, work on your stuff around your belief of your emotions. And I think that is key. And I have a whole heap of episodes. Go take a look at them where I literally talk about this. We are basically taught in society that emotions are bad and stuff like that. The fact is, if you have quote unquote a higher response and other people, you are adding all this extra judgment to yourself. You are just like you're you're judging yourself as if society is judging you right now and you're making it worse. You are creating an even more extreme reaction, because once I worked out how to kind of allow the emotion to beat it and process it, I noticed it was nowhere near as extreme as it used to be, and I realized judgment was the cherry on top.

[00:15:43] I say this all the time. Judgment is a cherry on top of just like the whole self-hate, self-blame, extreme emotions. It just adds to it. It's like, huh? You're upset about this thing? Well, let me judge you for being upset about this thing. That'll make it even better and hopefully stop it. But it doesn't. It just makes it worse. So identifying where those thoughts and beliefs come from is really key. Just I'll just even accepting this, like, I'm having an emotion. I'm having a reaction. Accepting yourself as Kate, accepting that it is okay and it is valid. That is like probably the number one thing that's probably going to reduce a lot of the emotion as well is going to go away completely. No, you're still don't be upset about the feedback. That's fine. But take the fucking pressure off yourself, for Christ's sakes. You don't need to be berating yourself. Society does that enough? I don't think we need to be doing it to ourselves. And if you heard that was my printer in the background performing an update, I will try muffle that out. I am not the best with the audio stuff though, so you know it might be there. You never know. So I waited a bit and it's done now. So accepting you as number one. Number two is and if you know me and if you are a regular listener, I probably berate, say this, whatever, say this all the time.

[00:17:06] You need to actually sit with your fucking feelings like you need to let them be there. Hence why accepting at the start is really important. You need to just notice in the moment do a fucking body scan and I'm not talking. People think when I say process immersion, it's meant to be like this deep soul searching. Like we sit in a garden and we like focus on our body and there's like, I don't know, some magical music playing in the background or something like that. No. Like real simple stuff is all you need to do and start doing that. Is it doing a quick check in with yourself? How are you feeling? What is the emotion? Can you label it? What are the physical sensations in your body? Oh, a lump in your throat. Oh, okay. There are water in my eyes. I'm getting really hot noticing that. What the fuck is that going to do, Michel? It is literally going to take you out of your brain or out of your body. I know that sounds weird. Hear me out. All of that is happening. It's almost like your body, your brain, whatever is just responding. It's. It's literally the fight or flight kicking in. It's like you kind of just ground yourself by checking in with yourself, even just looking at your surroundings and like, you know, you're in a room as a person talking to you.

[00:18:29] That's it. Because what you're probably thinking is, Oh, my God, I suck. This is terrible. They're so right. I'm so bad. Your stress response is literally just interpreting that as, like, what? We're getting attacked right now. Like, shit's happening. Like, what do we need to fight a flight? Like, oh, my God. And then all physical stuff is happening in your body. So grounding yourself, reminding yourself, like, just checking in with it, letting it be there, letting your nervous system have a fucking hissy fit. Not like I talk about this to emotions as well. I talk about it being like a fire and stuff like that. Here's another metaphor for you. Emotions kind of like a boiling pot of water. And what I see a lot of people do is they just they're like, stress response is kicked in, right? They have just turned the fire on and you've got a lid and you will like flushing it down. You're like, shut the fuck up. Like, stop it. And the problem is it's still boiling really, really high and you're just ignoring it. And what happens is the water eventually, if you don't let it out, it just boils a hell or hell over and you've got like burns and crap everywhere. So what I'm telling you to do is just, like, let the lid off a little bit. That's it. That's the like, and let some steam out and that's totally fine.

[00:19:47] Then eventually and I talk about this more coming up is I'll teach you how to turn the dial off on the. From the start I forgot the name, the stove, and that is exactly what I do. In a one on one coaching session with you, I teach you the skill of how to turn off the stove, how to emotionally regulate. So not just when it comes to accepting feedback, but when things are changing in your life, when you're having extreme reactions, you know how to turn it down. You know how to process it. You know how to move through life with less emotional reactions so that you can really start to enjoy your life. Like think about having. All you need to do is change your thoughts. Learn how to process your emotions. And then you can move throughout life. Shit's hitting you. Things are fucking changing, you know? New job and career, potentially having a baby, relationships, whatever. You know, you've got your own back and you can handle it. Have those skills to handle it. I think that is the biggest gift and most important skill anyone should have for being a human. Hence why I'm a life coach. Like, imagine getting to a place where, like me, you get given even like the most critical of feedback and you are fine. You know how to handle your emotions. And like, my emotions aren't as severe, they probably reduced at least 70%.

[00:21:35] Very extreme feedback that hits me. Sure, I have an emotional reaction and then I do the work to process it and I move on like, that's it. It's that fucking easy. Imagine just being able to do that, just to be with your human brain and deal with that. So here are some tips from a life coach on how to do that. Again, we know one accepting where you're at and where your emotions are to having those check ins with yourself and three being what I like to call objective when it comes to feedback. And again, it's getting out of your own head. And feedback is just an opinion, a subjective fucking opinion. Everyone is going to have an opinion on what you do based off their own experience and how they also want to show up. So if I don't know if someone's saying I should be, I don't know loud or something like that, that's just something that they've inherited. Like from their own experience, this might come off as defensive and that I don't want to accept the feedback. And I want to tell you something. For some reason I've seen this all the time. It's always like whenever we get feedback, it's almost like we need to take it as a source of truth. Like we accept. We should just accept that that other person knows better and is trying to help us. I don't doubt that they are potentially trying to help you, but you can choose what feedback you want to keep or not.

[00:22:56] I've literally had people tell me throughout my whole life, I am too fucking loud. Like. And I used to take that very seriously back when I was like a teenager and like try to, like, you know, calm myself down. And I realized that's just internalized misogyny. I don't want to be like that. I want to be loud. That is going to upset some people. That's okay. And it's the same in this scenario. You can choose. You can pick and choose the feedback that you want. It is totally fine. That's that's allowed. And that is okay. That sounds dismissive, but it's all about looking at the feedback and saying to yourself, Hmm, what is it from this that I want to take away from? What is this that I'm like, looking at it and I'm like, No. Like, this isn't me. Like, you know, so I might say someone might come up to you on the street and say you shouldn't wear floral dresses because they're not in style, which I have had because I wear a ton of floral dresses. That is feedback. That is probably someone who's trying to help me. That is their opinion. But I don't want to do that. Like, they're entitled to say whatever they want and they're allowed to have that opinion. But I don't want to take that piece of feedback on and that's the same in this scenario.

[00:24:12] Even with a corporate examples, I look at the feedback and I get and I think, okay. With where I want to go with the type of leader that I want to be. Which feedback do I think is going to be important in growing and developing myself? You can do that because so many people are like, No, what they've said is truth. It's like, no, it's it's an opinion. No. Because humans aren't objective, humans are subjective. And then we create little boxes and then you give opinions to other people based off your point of view as well, and the way you see the world as well. So that's just one little hijack. The reason I say that is because like. It's trusting yourself, which I see just such a lack of in myself before thought work. And also if my clients and other people like the feedback I get, it's good and I should accept it. And I'm like, is this does this make like this makes sense as to why would I like such some stuff about like accepting feedback? What I'm saying here is I feel like that kind of mentality of just accepting it, etc., and being like grateful and stuff like that, that that's just like being passed down from the feedback givers because I have given feedback and it is really nice to have someone who does appreciate it if that makes sense, like they're not defensive about it and stuff like that.

[00:25:34] And they're funny enough. Like because of that, I'm the type of person who would be really appreciative of feedback and be like really, really nice. Like, Oh yeah, I'm going to totally do that and take it like very people pleasing when really that was just my defense mechanism because I'm like, Please don't say anything else that is really bad and going to upset me and trigger all this style, this internal self esteem issues for me. So that's just a little hack and it might be still challenging right now. And the reason if you're like hearing this and you're like, well, no. Like, I'm still getting really upset by the feedback and I'm still really believing it. That's because you have your own internalized thoughts about whatever it is. So when I used to get upset because someone said I was too loud, the reason was I had a ton of thoughts around what being loud meant. Like if I did a thought work back then it was like I had really low self esteem and for me being loud means that I'm not in the in-group. People don't like me. It proves that I suck. Whatever, like, do you see what I mean? It's like, that's a code. I don't want to say a needle in a haystack. I'm not trying to. Can't. Well, I guess you could say, like opening Pandora's Box kind of thing.

[00:26:47] Like, it's like this one piece of feedback. You open it, and then a ton of things come out right. It's like all of that. That is why you are so reactive to feedback. It is not because of what the person is saying. It is your own internal thoughts. You are already thinking this stuff. The reason I don't get like cranky if a person on the street tells me I shouldn't wear dresses is because I am not self-conscious about that. The reason in the past that someone telling me that I'm loud and I'm having an emotional reaction to that is because I am self conscious about that, because I've been taught that women should be quiet and you know, loud women are not pretty women or will not find a partner or something like that. Like all of this internalized misogyny was popping up for me there. And it's the same with this as well. Sometimes you can have such an emotional reaction because it just trips into thoughts that you already have about yourself. But now they're coming face to face. It's like a mirror being held up and someone else is saying it and proving that it's true and it feels like shit. But again, it's just opinions. It's just it's just words. That's all it is. So what you also need to do is look at your own thoughts. The perfect thing to do is just do a thought download.

[00:28:03] When this situation happens, say I press. When does it happen to like everyone? You go. You work really hard on a project. You get some feedback on it and you feel like shit. I want you to just do a thought download of all the thoughts that you're thinking. Like everything that you are thinking about, that write it all down. It can be the most basic stuff. Like like I hate that person that's so angry like this or mean like this sucks. Whatever. Just get it all out. Then ask yourself why? Why are you angry? Why are you so upset about this feedback? What are you making it mean about yourself? Ky I swear to God, that is seriously some of the biggest. Like even in my one on one coaching sessions. We will do this and we get to what I call is a deep root thought. There is a thought when you keep asking yourself why? That it comes all down. Back to you. Like, I just it's like I'm not good enough. I suck. I'm terrible. And that's what it is that is at your subconscious level when that person is giving you feedback, subconsciously, your brain is thinking that, Oh my God, I suck. Oh, my God, I'm shit. Oh, my God, I'm a fucking failure. This is terrible. I hate myself. That thought pattern is playing out and it is causing an emotional reaction.

[00:29:22] It's like to be able to move on from this, to be able to move throughout life. It really is challenging those deep rooted thoughts. Knowing where these have come from, what the thoughts are. Because here's a thing. These are playing at your subconscious. They are playing deep down. You're not consciously thinking of them. And then they are causing this whole thing. They are causing you to feel this certain way. And from how you're feeling, you will do things in the world, certain actions, and that will create certain results for you as well. In my previous episodes, if your new go to my earlier episodes like my first three, they are key because I teach you the fucking basics around the impact of your thoughts on your feelings and all of that and what you need to be doing to actually be moving forward from this. So that is all for today's episode here. So a little recap. It's really here, especially if you're new, really just sitting with your feelings. And I would say just looking at those thoughts that you're having, that awareness is a lot of it, I would say as well. Like once you start to have that awareness you get, it's like you can have a little bit of empowerment. You can start to be like, Oh, every time this happens, I end up having this thought that I suck and I fail. Ha. How interesting.

[00:30:53] How is that thought playing out in my real life and how to accept feedback to me is really just how to process feelings and thoughts like that's that's it, because we have a reaction to it. That's how I would say you accept feedback. You just look at it almost logistically, like now I just categorize. I'm like this person who is, you know, maybe seeing you or whatever has given me some feedback. I am not personally aligned on my values on these pieces, but these pieces are something that I'm really aligned on or something that I do really want to improve and stuff like that. And that is something that I do want to focus on and feedback. It doesn't have to be I don't I don't have to criticize myself. I don't have to be the one that berates myself here. I can choose to say. I'm going to take this feedback and I'm going to work with it as I will. There are some pieces of feedback that I get that I'm like, No, this does not align with me. But I am not going with this. And that's okay as well. That's how you literally accept and work with feedback. You're just like, The biggest thing for me was realizing, Oh my God, feedback is actually just people's opinions, like their own thoughts and feelings that they are providing to someone else. That's subjective. We all know that humans are super subjective.

[00:32:11] Huh? That gave me a lot of freedom because before I'd be like, Oh my God, this person is so senior. And like, I got to accept it as truth. It's like, doesn't matter really. It's just that everyone has at different levels or whatever has differences of opinion, and they're providing that to you and you can take what you want from that. You should be allowed to feel empowered to do that, because I don't see that enough. So go away, not go away. I hope you go into the world feeling empowered to start objectively, looking at feedback for what it is and really embrace. Just observe yourself, look at how you're acting, what you're thinking and doing when you get feedback. Once you start to do this, you start to get your power back. You start to take the reins. You're not going. In this whole emotional story that you have around accepting feedback. You're starting to see the patterns and you're starting to learn, Hmm, how can I do and control this? Like, how can I start to work with this a little bit more? And again, if you want to take this work deeper, if you've been a long time a listener, what I'm hearing is making a lot of sense to you and it's really resonating. And, you know, you follow me on Instagram. We've seen some of the achievements that I've been able to make in my own life.

[00:33:33] Like I work in corporate and I have a life coaching business and I still have time for video games and I still have time for family and I still have time to go walking and stuff like that. You know how I do it? A lot of fucking mind management. I haven't needed to buy something external or change anything externally. All I've done is just some internal work which has changed my life 360 degrees. I can't believe how. I just have more time purely from my thoughts and that's being able to allow me to create this life for myself. And you should be able to be able to fucking do that as well. So if this is inspiring you, if you are feeling a little ready, have a think about booking in a discovery call with me. The discovery cool is honestly there to just have an open one on one conversation on where you're at, what you're looking for, and then I tell you how I can help you. And then the decision is 110% in your hands if you want to go ahead. Amazing. And if you don't want to. Go ahead. Amazing. I'm glad I've had to have that chat with you, you know, continue to follow the work and keep going with your journey. All right. I will let you guys go. I hope you have a lovely, wonderful rest of your day, night, week, whatever it is by.